Alternate Earth: Season Two
by A. Nonymous III esq
Summary: After the grand finale of the first season, Rachel and Laura return back home, but with little expectance the entire crew would be here. As difficult as it was living in the FF7 world, can the Cloud, Tifa, and the rest survive normal living to us,that is?
1. Default Chapter

Chapter 1: Laura's Departure

Note: Because people are crabby, I removed the notes that are in chat script. Bleh. Anyway, Squaresoft owns FF7, and Laura is owned by LadyTifa26. There. Happiness abound. (Anyone notice how weird has formatted this? Why is it all separated? I liked it better as the book format! ::sobs:: All that work down the drain. . )

* * *

"C. . .Cloud?" Rachel looked straight at Cloud, and he responded with a cheerful smile. "CLOUD!" She ran up an hugged him, while Tifa tried to ignore it.

"Seems you remember us well enough. . .", Tifa remarked.

"TIIIIIFAAAAAAA!" Rachel moved over to her, and gave her a bear hug.

"ER. . .Rachel?", asked Tifa.

"Yes?", Rachel responded.

"What in God's good name are you doing?!"

"I MISSED YOU SOOOOOOO MUCH!", Rachel said. "WAKING UP AND NOT BEING YELLED AT BY SOMEONE IS SO EMPTY!"

"Laura?" Vincent was waiting for her.

"Vincent. . ."Her eyebrows were arched in surprise, and a touch of disbelief. "Vincent!" She ran into his arms, and he smiled while embracing her.

"Don't get too comfy, now. . ." Cid strolled over to the group.

"CIIIIIIIIID!" Rachel was about to hug him.

"WHOA!", said Cid. "CID DOESN'T TAKE HUGS!"

"BUT HE TAKES GLOMPS!"

"AHHHHH!"

". . Kiako?" Rachel saw Cid, squirming on the ground to get Kiako off of him.

"Wow. . ." It was Konoshi. "This is your school?"

"Uh. . ." Rachel and Laura were looking at them. "Since when did all of you guys get here?"

"Actually, a while ago. . .", Tifa said. "Apparently, it seems we got broken off at some point, but we all found each other just a few days ago. I just woke up yesterday. . .In the middle of a forest, really." She looked a little embarrassed. "I can't believe I was out for so long. . ."

"Wait. . .", said Rachel. "WE all? That's just you, isn't it?"

"HIHI!" Chikara jumped out of nowhere.

"Actually. . .", said Aeris, stepping out. "We're ALL here. Even. . ."

"BROTHER!" Keily was hugging the guts out of Rufus.

"CAN'T YOU HEAR ME?!", shouted Rufus. "I'M NOT YOUR BROTHER!"

"BROTHER!", she shouted again.

"Oh dear Lord of the Planet. . .", he sighed.

"Some are back there. . .", said Cloud, pointing behind him. "We weren't scattered too far apart. I found Tifa only about a mile from where I landed, and Aeris-

"He bumped into me at an outdoor gardening expo. . .", she said with a nervous smile.

"But how did you find us?", asked Rachel.

"Well. . .", said Cloud.

"ME! MY BRILLIANCE!" It was Jessie.

"GLORY HOG!" Kiako shoved Jessie aside. "MY LAPTOP!"

"MY BRAINS!", shouted Jessie.

"MY HARD WORK!"

"MY DETERMINATION!"

"MY SKILL!"

"MY EXPERTISE!"

"MY GOD! SHUT UP!", shouted Cid, pulling those two apart from killing each other.

"CIDDY!" Kiako attached herself to Cid.

"DAMMIT. . ."

". . ." Russ, Rachel's brother, was standing right next to Rachel all of a sudden, and staring.

"Russ?", asked Rachel. "Russ? HELLLOOOOO!"

". . ." He was staring at Tifa.

"Rachel?", asked Tifa. "Is there something wrong with him? Is he okay?"

"HE'S FIIIIIIINE!", said Rachel, shoving him away. "RUSS!" She began talking to him as soon as she got far enough from them.

". . .Boobies.", he said , his eyes dilated.

"Yes, yes, boobies. . .", said Rachel, echoing him.

"Is that. . .Tifa?", he asked.

"NONSENSE!", Rachel said. "YOU SEE NOTHING! GET IN THE CAR!" Rachel escorted him to the car. "I am SO happy Mom and Dad couldn't come. . ."

"What's up with them?", asked Tifa.

"Er. . ." Laura broke out in nervous laughter. "Rachel's brother thinks you're super hot. He also thinks Aeris is pretty hot, too." Aeris went pink, while Tifa sighed into her gloved hand. "Come on, before all these girls spot Vincent and Cloud. . ."

"What now?", asked Reno, walking up to them.

"AND RENO! WHATEVER!", Laura said, moving them away. "LET'S GO! I'M DRIVING!"

"Where are we going?", asked Cloud.

"ANYWHERE BUT HERE!"

". . .Did you know her?", asked Russ, after a while during driving Rachel home.

"Yeah. . .", said Rachel, a little warily.

". . .Can I have her picture?", he then asked.

"No. . .", said Rachel in the same tone. "What are you gonna do? Show it to your friends? Or are you going to shove it in your sock drawer? Maybe tape it to the wall and pretend make-out with it?"

"NO!", Russ shouted, giving Rachel an odd look, but going a little red while doing it.

"Sure. . .", said Rachel. "Change the CD, at least. . ."

"DUH, DUH, DUH, DUH, DUH, DUH, DUH, DUH, DUH, DUH, DUUUUUUUUH!" While moving through the car, Cloud couldn't help but sing the chocobo song music.

"Cloud, what are you doing?", asked Laura.

"Well. . .", said Cloud, "Right now, we'd probably be riding a chocobo, but seeing as I presume your parents won't let you have one. . ."

"No. . .", said Laura. "In this world, there AREN'T any chocobos." He looked like his heart got stomped on, and then run over by a steamroller.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!", he screamed, as if in agony. "NOW WHAT DO I STYLE MY HAIR AFTER?!"

". . .Where are Mom and Dad?" Rachel arrived in the driveway of her house, noticing the SUV(mid-size. Don't think we're rich.) was gone.

"I dunno. . .", said Russ. "Probably killing the environment with that. . .that, THING." Curious thing about Russ. He loves almost anything military, which exhausts more fuel than anything, and he hates SUVs. Hmm. I suppose since we use jets for SOMETHING...

"Hey Rachel." Laura pulled up in the driveway. "I wasn't sure whether I should bring them home." They all piled out of the small car, trying to stand up.

"N-no chocobos. . .", Cloud said in a shock-induced trance.

"Wow.", said Rachel. "Of all people, I should be traumatized. I LOVE THE CHOCOBOS!"

"I know. . .", Laura grumbled. "Your top ten license plate messages would read. 'FFVII', 'CLOTIFAN', or 'CHOCOBO'."

"PRECISELY!", said Rachel. "AHAHAHAA!"  
". . .Clotifan?", asked Tifa. "What's that?"

"IT'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!", Rachel said. "NOTHING AT ALL!" Tifa exchanged odd glances with Cloud, and shrugged. "So uh. . .This is my house." Everyone looked up to the two story house, a light mocha in color, nearly indistinguishable to white, with a red door, and red shutters, a newly painted garage door, and. . .What was up with the porch? "Eheh. . .Don't mind the porch. It's still being rebuilt."

"THIS is your HOUSE?", said Kiako. "Wow. . .Not bad. It's pretty okay."

"Different. . .", said Tifa.

"Well, that's because you've lived in like, a German-looking cottage since forever.", Rachel said. ". . .Russ?"

"IT'S TRUE!", Russ said, pointing his finger. "I KNEW IT!"

"Tifa?", asked Rachel.

"You sure?", said Tifa.

"He's my bro. I don't care."

"All right. . ." Tifa walked up to him, and. . .THONK! Russ was knocked out by her elbow hitting his nape. "Good?"

"Good.", Rachel said with a satisfactory smile. "He won't be up for a while."

"How do you know?", asked Laura.

"Tifa's pulled that move on me whenever I'm trying to do something she doesn't like."

"So, you've spent the past few months like that then?" Laura grinned widely as Rachel scowled and looked as if she were going to kill her for that remark.

"Can't. . .breathe. . ." Korus squirmed out of the car. In fact, some others were trying to pull out, too.

"Oops. . .", said Laura. "Seems as though fitting about 20 people into the back of my car was. . ."

"Stupid?", asked Tifa. "It was worse than the plane!"

"Oh, I wouldn't say so. . .", said Korus.

"That's because you're face was submerged in my CHEST.", Tifa grumbled.

"YEAH, ONE OF THE REASONS I COULDN'T BREATHE!", he said. "I don't regret it, though."

"Sure ya' don't. . .", Tifa said.

"Yep.", said Korus. "Kinda like being squeezed in between two pillows. . ." Tifa quietly sobbed.

"Why am I stuck with this accursed chest?", she asked.

"Accursed?", asked Rachel. "I wouldn't say that. . .Maybe too much of a blessing. . ."

"NO. . ." Rachel could hear Keily's voice behind her. "NO WAY. . .YOU CAN'T. . .ACK!"

"RACHEL!"

"AHHHHHHHH!" Rachel found herself lying flat on her back, being pinned by something on her chest. Something with short, red hair. . .Dear Lord. . . "Kiro, it's always wonderful to see you, AS LONG AS IT'S OFF MY PERSON!"

"But you have a cute person!", Kiro cooed, stroking Rachel's hair. "Wanna see MY person?"

"NO THANK YOU. . .", Rachel said, trying desperately to pull the girl off.

"OF COURSE YOU DO!", Kiro said, happily. She moved in and began whispering in Rachel's ear. "I know you missed me. . ."

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

"Kiro, get off of her. . .", Cloud sighed, pulling her off.

"Oh fine. . .", said Kiro, crossing her arms together. "But that means I'm doing YOU, later."

"Back on Rachel.", he said quickly.

"YAY!"

"OFF. . .", Tifa warned. Kiro backed away. There was no greater law, than The Law of Tifa.

"Thanks. . .", Rachel said, getting back to her feet. "I don't know how you guys really got here, or how I can house all of you, but it's really great to see you. . ."

"Yeah. Great to see you too, Rachel." Christina walked over.

"You?", asked Rachel. "You got here, too?"

"Yeah.", said Christina flatly. "Sure can feel the love in this driveway. . ."

"YEP!", Kiro agreed. "'CAUSE RACHEL'S HERE AND SHE LOVES ME!"

". . .Vincent? Please, shoot me. . .", Rachel sighed.

"Christina was also found just yesterday.", Cloud said. "Somewhere near Tifa. I think we really all did land in the general area, except one person."

"Who's that?", asked Laura.

"Sephiroth." Surka was leaning against Laura's car, looking deadly serious. "I haven't seen him at all."

"Mind you, but. . .", whispered Cloud. "I think she likes him. . ."

"AND JUST WHERE'VE YOU BEEN, HUH?!", shouted Tifa in his ear, a little irritated at how slow he was.

"Hey, calm down. . .", he said with a sheepish smile. "She'll find him. . .I won't like it, but she'll find him. . ."

"Er. . ." A few people from up the street were looking at the collaboration of people in the driveway. "I think we should go somewhere. . .", Rachel suggested. "Look, we all need to get sorted out here. Laura and I will answer questions inside the house, all right?" They nodded. "Great. . ."

"So. . .No random battles? Like, no monsters?", asked Cloud.

"Nope.", said Laura. "No monsters."

"No chocobos.", said Tifa.

"Nada.", Rachel said.

"More than ten towns in the world?"

"Yes."

"Flying airships are more common?"

"Much more common."

"No materia?"

"No materia. . .", Rachel sighed. "Although. . ." She had never tested this out. "Yuffie?"

"Way ahead of ya'.", Yuffie said, pulling out a green materia. "And. . ."

"WOOOH!" All of a sudden, Rachel felt really cold, and noticed her feet were frozen. "YUFFIE, WHY DID YOU HAVE TO USE IT ON ME?!"

"Easy.", Yuffie said casually. "You're expendable."

"So, materia works here, eh?", asked B.T. "Looks like I'm still in business. . .If only I had MY MATERIA. . ."

"No toting weapons.", Laura continued.

"You may have to dress differently, but that's all up to you. . ."

"You'll need jobs."

"And a place to stay. There are townhouses and apartments right across the road, so don't worry."

"Jobs?", asked Tifa. "Oh, how wonderful. . .Like, what kind of jobs?"

"You'll find something to suit you.", Rachel said.

"Why can't WE explain anything?", asked Kiako. "We're from the real world, too!"

"Yes, I forgot about that. . .", said Rachel. "But you're not from around here."

"Definitely.", Holly said.

"British!", said Jessie, chiming in.

"Here, here.", said Andariel, sighing and putting down her guns. "Man, I really liked toting these things around. . ."

"Anyway. . .", Rachel continued. "Any good explanations to how we all landed here, BUT Sephiroth?"

"I DO!", said Lucrecia. Her arm rocketing into the air, raising her hand.

"You always do.", Rachel said.

"Yes, but what would you do without me?", Lucrecia asked. "I'll give you the info."

"Here we go again. . ." They were all seated in the living room beside the large double pane windows that faced the driveway.

"All right. . .", Lucrecia said. "The deal here is that the Planet here took up energy again, this time, in Gongaga. Surka, can you explain what you were doing there?"

"We were summoned there, by the Planet.", she said. "Hey! STOP NUDGING ME!" She was yelling at Condrugon. "I WON AGAINST YOU, FAIR AND SQUARE!"

"YOU MADE ME LOSE HIS BOUNTY!", Condrugon yelled back at her. "DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH GIL HIS HEAD WAS WORTH?!"

"Please Surka, just ignore him for now. . .", said Lucrecia.

"I can't quite tell you why. . .", Surka continued, "but the Planet wanted us to be there, and we went to see the Planet."

"Who took you there?"

"Zack, Gast, and Ifalna."

"It figures. . .", Aeris sighed, rolling her eyes.

"It explains one thing. . .", Lucrecia said. "You see, the 'hole' in the Planet had not fully closed. This 'hole' as I explained before, is where the Planet extracts energy. Am I correct, Aeris?" She nodded. "So, after the immense damage and energy being focused around the battle, the Planet, along with Zack's help, had torn open that hole. Zack was summoning great energy that tore the rift in dimensions between them, and with everything going on, the Planet needed a vast amount of energy. And well, the hole was open, and instead of taking the time to open another hole, it took this already open one. When it took you guys in, it must've. . .Let's say, 'remembered' who you were. Rachel must've appeared in her room, because to drop off people on the surface of our world, it must determine whether you are energy, or a by-product of what it had taken in. Recognizing you again on your by-product nature, it had returned you to your starting point. And as for us, in our world, never have been taken through the Planet's energy streams before, it had dropped us off where it has been most convenient. And in the case of Sephiroth. . ." Surka was looking up at her. "He was taken somewhere else, most likely because the rift changed routes. Does anybody remember anything?"

"I do.", said Cloud. "After I was taken up, Sephiroth's body came up, too."

"The last piece of the puzzle.", she said. "He was the last one to come up, so the Planet switched energy paths."

"Why would it?", asked Laura.

"Because, I figure that there was already far too many people occupying that system at once, so in order to send him, it had to place him in another energy path."

"Oh, LOVELY. . .", Surka muttered, her eyes still pinched in an angry squint. "Have any idea where he is now?"

"None.", Lucrecia said, shrugging her shoulders. "It's as unpredictable as the paths that led all of you guys to that weird Amazon island, and everywhere else."

"Exactly.", said Mike.

"What? Where did you wind up?", asked Kami.

"Er. . ." He took on a nervous expression and began twiddling his thumbs. ". . .Garbage dumpster." Kami and the rest were staring at him blankly, while he still twiddled his thumbs.

". . . .HA HA!", Kami laughed, pointing his finger. Mike scowled, and shoved him off the sofa. "OW!"

"Dumbass. . ."

"Well, erm. . ." Aeris was blushing this time. "I er. . ."

"What?", asked Rachel.

"Before Cloud found me, around where Tifa was, I actually uh. . .was awake somewhere, and er. . ."

"What?", asked Cloud.

"Um. . .Some guy found me, and. . .He owns a web cam/free er. . ."

"Stop right there.", said Rachel. "We get the point."

"AERIS!", Cloud shouted, recoiling in the sofa corner. "Y-YOU DIDN'T-

"Naaaah. . .", said Aeris. "I beat the crap out of him before he could do a thing." Cloud gave a sigh of relief and his posture slackened.

"Mail. . ." Laura came walking in shuffling through a small pile of mail.

"First of all. . .", said Rachel. "Laura, when did you go outside? Next of all, WHY ARE YOU SHUFFLING THROUGH MY MAIL!"

"Remember?", asked Laura. "The family I'm staying with had to visit their grandmother in a hospital somewhere in Montana, and I'm bunking with you for a week."

". . .When did this happen?", asked Rachel.

"Yesterday. Your parents told you countless times. There are sticky notes everywhere. I SPENT THE NIGHT, DUMMY!"

". . .Oh. But that doesn't explain the mail!", Rachel argued.

"I changed the mail address to here for a while."

". . .I KNEW THAT!", Rachel said stubbornly, folding her arms.

"Yeah. . .", Laura said, rolling her eyes. "Bill, bill, bill, bill, crap, junk, garbage, trash, bill, coupon, LETTER!" Laura snatched it, and looked at the recipient. "AND IT'S FOR ME! SOMEONE LOVES ME!"

"And thy name is Angelo. . .", Rachel said, muttering.

"Who now?", asked Vincent.

"Oh, Laura's boyfr-MMPPPH!" Laura covered her mouth.

"NOTHING!", she said, a shade of scarlet.

"Um. . .All right. . .", said Vincent, a little suspiciously.

"Okay. . ." Laura tore open the letter. "It's a notice. . ."

"Heheheheheheh. . ." Rachel pocketed a letter that Laura didn't see.

"GIMME." Laura shoved Rachel over, and took the letter.

"D'OH!"

"Okay, the notice says. . .", Laura unfolded it, and began to read it. Everyone just exchanged unsure glances during the silence. She blinked a couple times after having read the letter, handed it to Rachel, and began marching up the stairs. Rachel watched her as she did so, and then picked up the letter to read.

"Laura Cruz,

A mistake has been made in the process of your long-term exchange student status. Instead of being recalled at the end of this summer, as was discussed and put down in our records, we ask you to return to Guam in two days. Enclosed is one flight ticket, and a flight schedule is recorded on it, but the schedule is: 1. The plane, flight No. 825 leaves BWI airport at 9:45 AM, on Monday. 2. You switch over to plane 745 in San Jose. 3. And then, the one in San Jose takes you over to your final destination of Guam. See you back here!

The Department of Schools and Education"

"Eeyowch.", said Keily, looking over Rachel's shoulder, reading the letter.

"What?", asked Vincent. "What? What's it say? What's wrong with Laura?" He peered anxiously, trying to catch a glimpse of the letter.

"Um. . .Here ya' go, dude.", Rachel said, dreading his reaction. "I'll uh. . .I'll go find Laura." She hopped out of her seat on the chair, and like a flood, everyone came in, to fill her gap and read the letter. Running up the stairs, she came into her bedroom, and found the closet open of her messy bedroom, with. . .Clothes being flung out?  
". . .Laura? ACK!" When Rachel moved her head in front of the closet, a shirt collided with her face.

"Hey Rachel.", said Laura, as casually enough as if nothing happened. "Gotta get unpacked, ya' know."

"Uh. . ." There was a little uneasiness in Rachel's voice as she looked inwards. "You know, you don't need to get packed up right now. . .You could do that tomorrow. You just graduated today, ya' know!"

"Yeah, I know.", said Laura. "And to think, I skipped all the graduation parties because everyone showed up all of a sudden, and now, I'm the one who has to go. Ironic thing life is, huh?" She continued packing, and throwing around items.

"First of all. . .," said Rachel, after having jeans hit her face, "Why did you put your clothes into MY closet?! Next of all, you're just responding to shock. You don't know what to do, so this is all you're doing. Laura? Laura?! LAURA?!"

"WHAT?!" She spun around, looking teary eyed. "Are you just going to remind me that of everyone, I have to leave?! Once all my friends come back, I have to go?! Those two weeks without them left me as withdrawn as you, but I tried to be a little happier as I went along with it! And then. . .And then they did come back, and I didn't think it could really happen, but it's true, and. . .Now I have to go." She finished in a somewhat quiet voice, and she sat down on the bed. Rachel, has never, EVER been good at these situations. She looked over at Laura, and watched for a moment, before sitting beside her.

"You uh. . ." Rachel had a sound of definite tension as she spoke. "You have one day left, you know! You could um. . ."

"But then, eventually I'll have to go.", said Laura. "No thanks. I think having more fun will just make it more difficult, right? Just. . .leave me alone for a little bit, all right?" She cheered up with a smile despite the still watery eyes, and Rachel sighed, and got off the bed. Rachel figured Laura was just being happy for her sake, but she couldn't deny what she wished for having no proof to charge false judgment, and so, she left and closed the door.

"VINCENT!" Rachel heard a shout from the first floor.

"Oh dear. . ." Everyone was looking at Vincent, fainted dead outright on the ground. "Call a doctor.", said Kyoko.

"Aeris?", asked Keily, in reply to Kyoko.

"HEY!", Aeris shouted. "I'M NOT A DOCTOR!"

"You have to go to SCHOOL for that, dearie.", said Tifa, stretching back, relaxing now on the couch.

"What's Vincent doing? He's funny.", said Rachel, trotting down the stairs.

"He's doing nothing. . .", Sky sighed. "Where's Laura?"

"Upstairs. I uh. . .She'll be all right.", Rachel said, covering for her. "Lay Vampy man back, he'll snap out of it."

"What do we do now?", asked Cloud.

"My parents aren't back, thank God. . .", Rachel sighed. "And Russ is still unconscious out front. . .All right, here's what we're gonna do."

"OH YEAH! I ROCK!", said Cloud. They were crowded on yet another sofa and all around it, with Rachel in the center, and a PS2 controller in hand.

"No, you don't.", said Yuffie. "I'M WAY COOLER!"

"Shut up.", said Rachel. "Tifa's the best." Everyone stared at her. "IN THE GAME I MEAN!" You guessed it. She was playing Final Fantasy VII in front of all of them. "She's mean in reality."

"Shut UP!", said Tifa, knocking Rachel on the shoulder.

"OW!" Rachel was rubbing it briskly.

"I only hit you lightly.", said Tifa.

"Yeah, but if you noticed, one attack of your in the game does about 8,000 damage.", Rachel grumbled, still rubbing it. "I don't even know how many hit points I had in...I dunno, FF-land. What is the name of your world?"

"It's-!" A plane flew overhead.

"Oh. Interesting, yet pretty.", Rachel said, not looking away from the screen.

"When do we kill Sephiroth?", asked Cloud eagerly.

"HEY!", shouted Surka, leering at him.

"Oh, fine. . .", Cloud sighed. Rachel was completely cheery though.

"Tifa's my favorite character, but I love ALL the FF7 characters! Like Cloud, and Yuffie, and Barret, and Aeris. . ."

"Who would you say is your second favorite character?", asked Cloud, knowing his name would be mentioned.

"Yuffie.", said Rachel, still playing. Cloud sighed and his head drooped in exasperation. "BUT I LIKE CLOTIs THE MOST!"

"What now?", asked both Cloud and Tifa at the same time.

"Nothing!", Rachel said quickly. Again, Tifa and Cloud exchanged odd looks, shrugged, and resumed watching.

"Hmm. . .", said Lucrecia, watching. "What a strange phenomenon. . .We're here, but THERE. . ."

"DOWN IN FRONT!", called Yuffie, annoyed by Lucrecia's head right up to the television screen. "CAN'T SEE PAST YOUR EGGHEAD!"

"Egghead?", asked Lucrecia. "My head isn't shaped like an egg! Oh. . .YOU MEAN I'M SMART! WHY, THANK YOU!" She still hadn't moved.

"HEEEEYYYYYY! I SAID, 'DOWN IN FRONT'!", Yuffie called again.

"Sorry. . ." Lucrecia backed off.

"Wanna see something?", asked Rachel. "Okeedokee. . ." She flew the Highwind, and took a chocobo to the large, circular waterfall near Nibelheim, the one that mirrored the one around Junon. She stepped off the chocobo, and went under the waterfall.

"Ooooooooh. . .", they all went, or at least all the FF7 characters.

"My, my, THAT looks familiar. . .", said Konoshi, looking over at Surka, who was laughing nervously. "DIVERTING ME WITH YOUR CHEAP GIL, EH?! WHY I OUGHTTA-

"SHUT UP!", said Rachel, with everyone looking at the screen.

"THIS is how I get my limit? THIS is how I remember Lucrecia?! Why. . .WHY. . .Why, that's awfully familiar.", said Vincent, now awake. "Odd. Didn't I see you Lucrecia, earlier under the waterfall?"

"Hmm. . ." Lucrecia was recalling. ". . .I FORGET!" He fell over with a thud. "Oh Vincent, of all people, you know best I don't have total recollection of my memories!" He sighed.

"What else, huh?", asked Kristi.

"I know. . .", said Rachel, with a wide grin, looking over at Cloud and Tifa. "Let's review their most famous moments. . ."

"What?", asked Cloud.

"What the-?!", asked Yuffie.

"WHAT?!", asked Tifa, turning a shade of scarlet, her face burning to ash.

"CLOTI MOMENTS!", Rachel shouted happily. "Don't worry, there are only about three I saved on here. . .Stop one! The childhood promise!"

"Dear LORD. . .", went Tifa, hiding her face in her hands. "I SHOULD KILL YOU RIGHT NOW. . ."

"Not until I show the world!", said Rachel.

"DEAR LORD!"

Laura was finished packing. Having left the suitcase she had brought from staying over in Rachel's room, it seemed almost everything was in order, save for some items left at the house of the family she had really stayed with. She sighed, a strange mingling of pride of completion, and disappointment of departure. Sighing, she sat atop the bed again. Her head slowly swung to the left of her, and took in a glimpse of the suitcase left there.

About a year left over here, to study in the U.S. as a senior in high school rather than stay in the territory of Guam. It looked as if sometimes going home is harder than leaving, once you've grown to love somewhere else. Of course as expected, it wasn't really bad going home. People were waiting for her. Friends, family, and a boyfriend who had waited patiently enough until her return. They were all there. Everyone. Maybe, it wasn't that bad.

But it was, leaving everyone behind here. All the friends she had made in the past few months. Well. . .Also one love interest. . .Still, he was included amongst the rest of them.

Though, knowingly, she picked up the suitcase, and opened the bedroom door, lugging it with the weight of the clothes, and a staying weight of insecurity. Of a sudden change. She went along, anyway. The only real constant, is change.

"AND THEN. . .", said Rachel, smiling almost sadistically at the screen, of Disk 2 when Cloud and Tifa fell asleep outside the Highwind after the rest had left to find a purpose to fight. Tifa, was redder than anything you've ever seen.

"Rachel, are you emotionally abusing Tifa?" Laura stepped into the living room.

"If she gets to physically abuse me, at least allow me this!", Rachel whined.

"AWWWWWWWWW!", Yuffie cooed mockingly. "LOOK AT 'EM!" Now, you couldn't quite tell if Tifa was red with anger or embarrassment.

"Rachel, come on, stop it. . .", Laura sighed.

"Awww. . .", said Rachel. "At least let me anger Tifa by showing her the Aeris date!"

"What?", asked Tifa.

"Hey, I wasn't surprised by the Tifa date. . .", said Aeris.

"The Yuffie date was. . .interesting.", said Keily.

"YUFFIE DATE ROCKS!", shouted Holly. They all stared at her. "Er. . .Hi?"

"Barret date was HILARIOUS. . .", said Sky. Barret muttered some curses under his breath. Holly was still muttering something about CloYus with a delirious smile.

"CloYu?", asked Cloud.

"I dunno.", Yuffie shrugged.

"So. . ." Vincent looked up to Laura.

"Yeah. . .", she said. "I gotta go." She sat into a small spot on the couch Nyow managed to make for her. "I got a day, ya' know?"

"But-

"NO. . .", Laura objected, knowing that Vincent would suggest doing something fun with everyone for a final day, as the rest would too suggest. "I don't want to. I don't want to make it any harder than it already is. . ." She reclined, and sighed.

"Er. . .Well then. . .", said Vincent. "What about-

"I'll go!", said Keily, walking out, with Holly following.

"Me, too.", said Sky.

"Coming.", said Nyow. "MOVE, KIRO. . ."

"AWWWW!", said Kiro, walking out with her.

"You know it.", said Jessie.

"Gone.", said Cloud. Cid and Barret followed.

"I should follow.", said Shera.

"Hungry.", said Mars. Stephen, Mike, Eternal, and Kami all left.

"Me go.", said Kristi.

"Following.", said Selena.

"You know where I'm going. . .", said Reno, his eyes fixated on Selena's ass.

"YOU KNOW WHERE I'M GOING. . .", said an irritated Andariel.

"Gotta make sure there's no blood on the carpets.", said B.T.

"EHEHEHEHEH. . .", said Rachel, watching.

"YOU COME, DUMMY.", said Tifa, dragging her out, followed by Aeris and Yuffie.

"HEY! HEEEEEYYY!", said Rachel, trying to cling onto the carpet. "LEGGO OF MY ANKLES!" Christina rolled her eyes, and began walking out.

"Leave 'em alone. . .", Tifa sighed. "Coming, Lu?"

"You betcha. . .", said Lucrecia, rolling her eyes with a tiny, hardly noticeable smile. "Go get 'em, tiger. . .", she mumbled.

"WHA?! HEY!", said Vincent. "Oh fine. . .Laura, are you sure about this?"

"Positive.", she replied, smiling back to him. "Worried?"

"WORRIED?! NOOOOOO, THIS IS LIKE METEOR CRASHING DOWN UPON OUR HEADS AND SMITING US ALL IN FLAMEY EVIL DOOM! OF COURSE I'M NOT WORRIED!"

"Uh. . .", said Laura, a little freaked out by that. "I just asked because you're Vincent. You don't-

"Have any feelings. Right. . .", he said, remembering his stereotype. "Just forget the stereotype for a second."

"One. Okay, second's gone.", she said.

"Be serious!", he said, then sighed. "Riiight. . .You've never really been serious. . .Do you want us to do ANYTHING? Like, help you pack, or give you a ride, or-

"I should think you give me a ride. That car isn't mine. It's the family I'm staying with's car. Be a bad thing if it just sits there in the airport parking lot for an eternity. . .Listen Vincent, I know you're concerned, but trying to have fun before I leave will just make it worse. You know, doing stuff like-

"Parties?", he guessed.

"Like-

"Clubbing?", he cut in again.

"LIKE-

"Drinking binges.", he said. "I KNOW ABOUT THE DRINKING BINGES. . ."

"I'M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC!", she shouted. "Although, I DO like those occasional drinking binges. . ."

"Seeeee?", he said. "I know Rachel has alcohol in this house. . ."

"How?"

"Cid and Reno found it." A cabinet in the kitchen was ajar, and there was loud laughing and burping, along with slurred speech coming from the next room.

"Ah. . .", said Laura. "Nice observation. But no, trust me, I require nothing. Just wait for the time I gotta leave, all right?" He sighed, and sat up onto the couch with her.

"Want I should come?", he asked.

"Er. . ." She had a nervous smile. "N-no thanks!" She remembered he had a certain BOYFRIEND ALREADY. . "I figure it may be best you stay here. But you know, I could always try and transfer to a college here when I get over there! I mean, I wanna try something in nursing, and they have a LOT of nursing colleges here. . .University of Maryland, Johns Hopkins, and you know there's that nursing deficit and-Hmm?!" Vincent leaned over, and offered her a kiss. When they parted, she had this skeptical look. "You did that just to shut me up, didn't you?"

"Worked for a bit, didn't it?", he asked, with a grin.

"Oh maybe. . .", she said, then kissed him again.

"OW! LAURAAAAA! TIFA'S PICKING ON ME AND-HOLY CRAP!" Rachel ran into the room after whining.  
"ACK!", shouted Laura. Vincent was redder than his cloak.

"MORON. . .", said Christina, walking over to Rachel. "COME ON. . ." She pulled Rachel back into the other room. "And I don't even know what you're reactions all about. . .It's blatantly obvious. . .WHY DID YOU THINK WE LEFT THE ROOM?!"

"It's prettier in the other room?", guessed Rachel.

"NO!"

"Eheheh. . .We should've seen that one coming.", said Laura. "It's like perfect timing, every single time."

"LAAAAAUUUURAAAAAA!" It was Rachel again.

"Oh what is it, this time. . .?", asked Vincent.

"PARENTS ARE HOOOOME!"  
"WHOOOAAA, CRAP!", shouted Laura, before grabbing Vincent's arm and dragging him up. "MOVE VAMPY BOY, MOVE!"

"HEEEEEYYY! WHY IS THAT MY OFFICIAL NICKNAME?! AND WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?!"

"IF THEY SEE YOU, WE DIE!", she yelled. "GO! MOVE!" They began running up the stairs, into Rachel's room.

"Nice to see ya'.", said Tifa, looking out from inside Rachel's closet, where they had already ran into first.

"What about me?!", asked Christina.

"YEAAAH!", said all the rest of the non-FF7 people. "WHAT ABOUT US?! WE'RE NOT SPECIAL?!"

"No, it's that if they see YOU, you look NORMAL. AND I CAN'T HIDE ALL YOU PEOPLE!", shouted Rachel.

"Damn small closet. . .", muttered Barret.

"Yeah Barret, well being this close to you isn't wonderful either.", said Cloud, under Barret's armpit.

"RED! YOU CAN BE UH. . .KEILY'S DOG!", shouted Rachel.

"DOG?! WHAT?!", asked Red. "DO I LOOK LIKE A DOG?!"

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARRREEE!", said Rachel. "JUST PLAY ALONG WITH IT!"

"DOGGY!", said Keily, holding onto Red's neck. "MINE!"

"ARRRRRGH!"

"RUFUS! YOU CAN BE KEILY'S BROTHER!"  
"Huh? ACK!" Keily was also clinging onto him now. "OFF THE SUIT!"

"BROTHER!", she said, latched onto his side.

"Um. . .THE REST OF YOU ARE FRIENDS OF MINE!", Rachel declared.

"I get the bed.", said Kristi, lounging.

"Why IS she always lounging?!", asked Sky.

"Oh, there's a problem with you. . .", said Rachel, looking at Sky.

"What?"

"They're gonna wonder why I have a hooker in my bedroom. Especially a GIRL hooker.", Rachel said.

"HEY! I'M NOT A HOOKER!"  
"RAAAAACHELLL! WE'RE HOME! HOW WAS THE GRADUATION?!" It was the voice of her parents.

"DAMMIT. . .COME ON, LAURA!" Rachel pulled on Laura's wrist, taking her out of the room.

"Did they find her brother's unconscious carcass outside?", asked Sky.

"AND WHY WAS YOUR BROTHER UNCONSCIOUS ON THE PAVEMENT?!", asked her mother.

"NO REASON!", said Rachel, downstairs. "HE LIKES SUNBATHING! YEAH! THAT'S IT! HE NEEDS A TAN!"

"Rachel, he IS tanned. And if anyone in here needs a tan, it's you! Do you know how much you've paled out since Fall?!"

"Er. . .A lot?"

"YES!"  
"Her parents sound weird. . .", said Kristi. She snickered. "SELENA FELL ASLEEP ON A SUBWAY TRAIN!" She still couldn't get over that.

"WELL, YOU FELL ASLEEP ON A PARK BENCH!", Selena retorted. "YOU SHUT UP, YOU COMMON VAGRANT!"  
"HEY!"  
"SHHHH!", Tifa cautioned. "They can hear us!"

"I hafta go to the bathroom. . .", said Sky.

"SHUT UP!"

"Ugh. . .How do we find someplace for them to live, that they can PAY for?!", asked Rachel, walking up the stairs with Laura, finished with her parents interrogation.

"I dunno. . .Just the THOUGHT of Chikara living in her own apartment scares the bejeezus out of me. . .", said Laura. "Although, I should think B.T. and Selena would be fine. . ."

"Because they're OLDER and less HYPER. . .", said Rachel. ". . .Is it just me, or am I sounding like Tifa?"

"Yes."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!", Rachel screamed, clutching her hair. "NOT MEEEEE!"  
"RACHEL, QUIET DOWN!", shouted her father. "What kind of child have I raised. . .?"

"You know, for school, if we just told them they were exchange students like me, they would get a family to live with like they did to me.", Laura suggested.

"School's OVER.", said Rachel. "That means we'll have to put up with them for the summer. . ."

"Oh. Wonderful. Well, that's your problem, not mine!", said Laura. "I'm leaving, remember? Eh?" She got a hug from Rachel as soon as they got to the upstairs hallway.

"MY LAURA!", Rachel shouted. "NO MOVE AWAY!"  
"LEMME GOOOOOOO!", Laura shouted. "IT'S CREEEEEPYYYYYY!"  
"MIIIIIIIIIINE!", Rachel protested.

"And everyone disagrees when I say you two have some weird bond.", said Tifa, stepping outside of Rachel's room. "Is the coast clear?"

"AHAAAAA!" Russ was right behind Rachel. "I KNEW IT!" He had a camera to take a picture.

"No.", said Rachel, shoving her brother back down.

"YAAAAAAAAAH!" He fell down the stairs, and made a loud THUD! He was unconscious again.

"Waffles, mommy. . .", he muttered.

"That works!", said Rachel.

"Rachel, what was that?" Her father came to the stairs. "DID YOU PUSH HIM DOWN?! Huh?" He looked up at Tifa, who had a sudden freaked out look for she was discovered yet AGAIN. . . "Rachel, why do you have guests in the house?!"

"Um. . .Surprise?", said Rachel, then she began laughing nervously. "The jig is up. . ."

"Quite a CROWD we have for dinner. . .", said her parents, a few hours later at the dinner table. Russ had a bandaged head, and was still staring at Tifa, who couldn't help but glance nervously over at him a few times.

"Um. . .Made a lot of friends?", said Rachel, making an excuse.

"Didn't know you were THIS popular, shrimp.", said Russ.

"DON'T CALL ME, 'SHRIMP'!", said Rachel, nudging him with her shoulder.

"Calm down. . .", said her father. "So, uh. . .What's your name? I never caught it."

"Tifa.", Tifa said. Russ nearly spat out his soda.

"AAAAAHHHH! I KNEW IT! YOU DO EXIST!", he said, with side eyes.

"Russ, calm down!", said their mother.

"Yeah. . .", said Aeris, laying down her fork. "We're uh, just friends of Rachel." Russ now turned to his sister.

"YOU HAVE FRIENDS FROM A VIDEOGAME?! AND HOT ONES AT THAT! WHO'S SHE?!" He pointed at Christina.

"Huh?", she asked.

"YEAH! SHE'S HOT! WHICH CHARACTER IS SHE?!" Christina was blushing, and Rachel was sobbing quietly into her plate.

"Um, got a place we can spend the night?", asked Tifa. "It's a little difficult to explain why we ALL need a place to stay, but-

"YOU SEE, IT WAS ALL THE AAAAALIIIEEENNNS!", shouted Rachel. "THEY TRIED TO ABDUCT THEM, BUT THEY RAN AWAY FIRST YOU SEE, BUT IN THE PROCESS THE ALIENS DESTROYED THEIR HOMES AND-

"SHUT UP, RACHEL. . .", Tifa grumbled.

"THE ANAL PRRRROOOOOOOBBBES!", Rachel shouted again.

"RACHEL!", Tifa hissed, trying to quiet her down.

"That's all right, I guess.", said Rachel's dad. "We can try and accommodate you if need be, and I'm sure we'll be able to make enough room. Feel free to help yourself to the fridge, by the way."

"HEY, WHAT'S THIS?!" Cloud pulled out something from the fridge.

"Cloud, why are you raiding it already?!", asked Tifa.

"C-Cloud?!", asked Russ, his eyes dilated. "Rachel, there is NO way you can try and persuade me that-

"HEHEHEH!", Rachel laughed, trying to cut him off. "He hit his head to many times. Mother, father, please ignore him.

"What's with the whole, 'mother, father', bit huh?!", asked Russ. "I know that-

"She's right.", said their father. "Russ, just take a nap. I'm sure you'll be fine when you wake up."

"NOOOO!", said Russ. "THEY'RE REAL! REAL I TELLS YA'! REEEAAAAAL!"

"Heheheh. . ." Rachel got up and began to usher him away.

"URP!" Late night. People on the couch. People keeping people away from the couch. Liiiiike. . .

"KIRO, GET AWAAAAAAAY! WHY DID I HAVE TO GIVE UP MY BED?!", shouted Rachel.

"Because I'm special.", said Tifa, walking downstairs. "And I have to share the bed too, ya' know."

"Yes, with clone child and Tree Girl.", said Rachel.

"I'M NOT CLONE CHILD!", said Christina, who followed Tifa down.

"AND I'M NOT TREE GIRL!", shouted Nyow, behind her.

"You're taller than Cloud, and you're TWELVE. Hihi, Tree Girl.", said Rachel. Nyow sobbed into the door of the fridge.

"Rachel, why do you keep sushi in the fridge?", asked Tifa, pulling out an ornate lacquered porcelain tray of sushi, complete with chopsticks, covered in plastic wrap.

"Because I make sushi, that's why.", Rachel replied.

"Oh, cute AND good with your hands. . .", said Kiro, climbing up again. "How perfectly lovely. . ."

"GET AWAY!"

"Hmmph.", said Tifa, inserting a piece of sushi into her mouth, and chewing. "Not bad. I suppose it's a good thing if I've eaten it and not died yet." Rachel growled. "All right, all right! I get it! You're a pretty fair chef!. . .THEN WHY DID YOU BURN DOWN THE KITCHEN ON THANKSGIVING?!"

"Because sushi is uncooked. Well, except for the rice.", said Rachel. "Of course, I do bake pastries, that being my forte for some reason, but I don't know how to cook a turkey. . ."

"Well, that explains a lot. . .I think. . .", said Tifa.

"Eeeeew. . .raw fiiiiiiish. . .", said Chikara, lying on the floor, changing channels on the television.

"Suit yourself.", said Tifa. She was about to take another piece, when the tray was gone. "HEY!"

"ALL RIGHT! SUSHI!", said Yuffie, upside down on a lamp fixture in some pajamas, holding the tray of sushi. "Hey, thish shtuff ain't bad!" She was talking with a full mouth. "Of course, I've tasted MUCH better, living in a royal court. . ."

"THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL EATING IT?!", asked Tifa, taking the tray back with only one piece on it. "Damn Yuffie, you really eat a lot, don't you?"

"Eat and eat, but never gain an ounce.", said Yuffie. "Must be tough being you, having to train and fight all the time just to keep that figure. Though, I bet when you eat, instead of gaining weight, all it does is making you pretty and busty, eh? I mean, Jesus Tifa! What did you take to get those boobs?! Bovine growth hormone?!" Tifa was getting an eye twitch, trying to contain her anger.

"Why do the girls get a room with the TV?!", asked Mike, walking in. "You know, us guys have to sleep in there. . ." He pointed to the room they had first entered in Rachel's house. "And we get nothing! At least send us in ONE girl! Here, I'll take this one. . ." He began taking Christina's arm, and taking her into the other room.

"Lemme go!" She took back her wrist, and began walking in the other direction. "After trying to be sexually assaulted by that sick bastard Tseng, I don't really feel like doing that. . ."

"Sexually assaulted? THAT SICK BASTARD!", said Yuffie, who took the last piece of sushi that Tifa had failed to eat before she took it.

"HEY!", said Tifa, leering at her. Yuffie gave an innocent smile, still hanging off the fixture. "Anyway Mike. . .Why don't you just go and sleep, all right?"

"Hmm. . .You comin'with me?", he asked. "Or, maybe Yuffie will. . ."

"BACK, PERV. . .", said Tifa, shoving him back into the other room. "BACK THERE, WITH THE LOT OF YA'. . ."

"Aw Tifa, you didn't have to send all those guys back. . .", said Rachel, reclining on the couch. "We could've paid one of them to strip or something!"  
"And WHICH one would you want to strip for you?", Tifa asked. Rachel paused in thought for a moment.

"Good point. Nothing worth anything for all of them."

"HEY!", said all the voices in the other room.

"Okay, well, maybe except for Cloud."

"WOOHOO!", shouted his voice.

"Why do I get this damned chair?", asked Kristi, upside down and staring at the TV screen in a recliner.

"That's a recliner, ya' know.", said Rachel.

"Yeah, I know.", Kristi replied. "Except, this is the most comfortable way to sit in it."

"Yeaaah. . .", said Rachel. "Although, when I do that, I get sick." Christina raised an eyebrow.

"And you actually SIT like that? That's stupid.", she said.

"Hey! Kristi's doing it, too!", Rachel protested.

"Yeah, well Kristi's smarter than you. She doesn't count." Rachel grumbled.

"You people TRYING to keep everyone up?" Laura walked downstairs.

"Hey Laura. Shouldn't you be sleeping? I mean, you got packing to do tomorrow. It IS the last day you have here.", said Rachel.

"Um. . .Not quite, really.", said Laura. "I meant, TODAY was the last day. Not tomorrow." They all gave wide-eyed stares.

"WHAAAAAAAAT?!", asked Rachel. "Come here woman! Come! Come!" Rachel made odd hand motions, until Laura sighed and wandered over.

"Yes?", asked Laura.

"Here." Laura sat down, and Rachel sat up and gave Laura half the blanket.

"Can I fit-

"NO, KIRO.", they both said together. Kiro grumbled, and sat back down on the floor.

"Okay Laura, first off. . ." WHACK! Rachel hit Laura over the head.

"OW! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!", asked Laura, rubbing her head trying to ease the pain of the hit.

"Baka! You didn't tell us TODAY was the last day! BAKAAAAAA! I THOUGHT THAT SAID, MONDAY!"

"Yeah. It DOES.", said Laura. "Didja look at the time?" It was 1:00 a.m.

"Oh.", said Rachel. "So. . .OOOHHHHH! TODAAAAY! NOT THE YESTERDAY TODAY!" Laura gave a funny look.

"Um. . .I'll try and just look like I understood what you said."

"That's why I'VE been trying to do.", said Tifa.

"Same here.", said Christina.

"I think that's what we all do.", said Chikara.

"But I do have packing tomorrow. A LOT. It's all over at the other house.", said Laura. "I'll be gone for quite awhile."

"Sure 'bout that, child?", asked Rachel.

"Yep.", said Laura. ". . .Why are you watching bad, late-night programming?"

"THEY are watching it.", said Rachel.

"No. . .They fell asleep." Everyone on the floor was zonked out.

"Oh. It's showing a golf tournament. No wonder.", said Rachel, turning it off. The only light came from the stove light above the oven in the kitchen, beside the white fridge. Tifa was seated at the table, Yuffie had run somewhere, and Nyow had wandered back to bed. Christina was still there, and she shrugged, meandering off after Nyow to get some sleep.

"You people are so weird. . .", said Laura, rolling her eyes.

"Hey! YOU are one of us weird people!", said Rachel.

"Which only gives me more reason to say so.", said Laura. She took more of the blanket.

"HEEY!", said Rachel.

"Mine." Laura fell over on Rachel's pillow. "Don't bug me. I need sleep and you woke me up. You owe me."

"You sound like Tifa!"  
"HEY!", said Tifa, sitting at the kitchen table, trying to drink some tea. "IS THAT SUCH A BAD THING?"

"Yes."

"GRAAAAAAAAAAAH. . ."

"Anyway Laura, would you just give me back the damn. . .LAURA!" Laura was already dead asleep. "Man, she never fails to drop off in the middle of a conversation. . ."

"Just live with it.", said Tifa, shrugging her shoulders and looking intently into the cup of her tea as she ran her finger across the circular rim. "That's the way she is, and you can't change that. Let's say if I could change the way you behaved, I would've SO done it by now. But no, you're still loud and spacey most of the time, and the only time you're not is mainly when you're in trouble and it would benefit yourself. Or, when someone insults you."

"THAT'S NOT TRUE! WHO ARE YOU CALLING SPACEY?!. . .Oh, I see your point.", said Rachel, thinking back on Tifa's statement. "Must you always be the one to linger behind, and try to counsel me? I thought Aeris was more of the type to do that."

"Nah. . .", said Tifa. "She's the comforting type, who actually tends to drift a bit. I don't think you'd really pick that up from her, but if you'd notice, she's always running off SOMEWHERE, whether it's the slum church, into Don Corneo's, the Temple of the Ancients. . .That woman is always running around somewhere, mainly in the flowers, of course. She's almost as bad as you are when it comes to daydreaming. I however. . ." Tifa had stood up, and walked over to the sink, and dumped the small remainder of her tea into it, rinsed it, and set it beside the sink on the counter. ". . .will not be lingering as you say. I'm as tired as Laura is over there." Laura began to drool a little on the pillow, and Rachel gave a small disgusted look, as that was HER pillow. "Ah Aeris, taking after her mother the most. . .Anyway, I'm leaving you here. Deal with Laura, I'm not helping you. You clearly don't want my help."

"HEY! WAIT!"  
"Good night, Rachel. . ." Tifa had already wandered into the hallway and up the stairs. Rachel sighed, looked down at Laura, and scowled. After a few failed attempts at trying to push her off the couch (Which might have had another benefit, as Kiro was below and dropping someone on her would've been funny.), Rachel gave up, took part of the blanket, and was forced to fall asleep next to Laura, who snored slightly. She wrapped herself into the blanket, claimed a side of the pillow, and drifted off beside her.

"Hmm. . .No, no, please, not the steam roller, it makes funny wrapping paper. . .", grumbled Rachel in her sleep. It was now about 8:30, and she was still asleep on the couch, with light streaming into the windows, and everything was bright, considering it was a late Spring morning, with the slight hum of cicadas outside, and the smell of breakfast cooking.

"Why am I not surprised?" Rachel opened her eyes, and saw Tifa standing above her condescendingly, already dressed.

". . .Kumquats?", asked Rachel, still in delirium from sleep.

"Yes, yes, kumquats. . .", said Tifa, sighing and rolling her eyes. "Don't make me threaten you with-

"NOT THE CHOCOBO STALLS! ANYTHING BUT THE CHOCOBO STALLS! I'LL HAVE THEM CLEANED _AFTER_ BREAKFAST!"

"I should be recording this!", said Russ. He was sitting at the breakfast table, with food in front of him. "MORE PROOF OF THE FF7 WORLD! RACHEL, WHERE YOU SAW THEM, WAS THERE REALLY GIANT CHICKENS?!"

"Oh, Russ. . .", said Rachel, still trying to make a giant façade. "You still haven't recovered from your head injury! You should spend the day in bed!"  
"I agree.", said her father. "Russ, go back to bed. You've already eaten breakfast, so we'll just call you for lunch."

"Awwww. . .", he said, dragging himself back up to his room. "I'LL NEVER GET PROOF!"

"And as for you. . .", said Tifa, looking back down at Rachel. "Eat breakfast. NOW."

"By the way. . .", said Rachel's dad. "Where did you learn to cook? This is really some of the best food I've ever eaten!"

"Thank you.", said Tifa, giving a slight bow.

"Are you Japanese?", he asked. "You look a little Japanese, and well, you just bowed. . ."

"Erm. . .Japanese?", asked Tifa, never have hearing of the place called Japan. "Rachel, what's this 'Japanese'?"

"Er. . .YEAH! SHE'S JAPANESE!", said Rachel, standing up. ". . .Really? I don't think I would've guessed you looked Japanese. . .Though, you DO look SLIGHTLY Japanese. . ." Rachel was taking a look at Tifa.

"HEY! STOPPIT! IT'S CREEPY!", said Tifa. "Ugh. . ."

"Hey. . .", said Rachel, looking around. "Where did Laura go?"

"Oh, she left around the time I got up and started making breakfast.", said Tifa, wandering back to the stove, then flipping a pancake.

"FOOOOOOD!" Mars went stumbling in.

"YAAAH!" Tifa was taken off guard. "HEY, WAKE UP BEFORE YOU GET UP!" He was still stumbling about, until he went into the cupboard, and took a plate, then sat down to the pile of food on the table.

"FOOD."

"Ooh. . ." Stephen was the next to walk in. "Yes, pancakes, bacon, sausage links and patties, eggs of all kind, ham, steak, hash browns both in patties and shredded, omelets with everything you can think within reason to insert in them, and everything else you would throw into a breakfast. Plus, you're pretty. WILL YOU MARRY ME?!"

"Uh. . ." Tifa had a nervous look.

"AWAY. . .", said Kristi, tugging him by the ear from Tifa.

"NOOOOOO! SHE'S LIKE A MODEL, _AND_ SHE CAN COOK!"

"And this is why nobody can understand why you're still single.", said Rachel. "Twenty and single, eh?"

"Twenty-one, actually.", said Tifa. "During the whole charade with Shinra, we all skipped my birthday." Rachel was staring.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!", she shouted. "NOT YOUR BIRTHDAY!"  
"Um. . .Why NOT?", Tifa asked.

"ONLY BECAUSE YOU'RE THE COOLEST FF7 CHARACTER, EVERRRRRR! DEPART FROM EL STOVE!", Rachel commanded.

"B-but what about all the food?!", asked Tifa.

"SAY NO MORE! DEPART!"

"But-

"DEPART!"

"BUT-

"DEPART, DAMMIT!" Rachel shoved Tifa into a chair next to the table. "Now, I will make breakfast. . ."

"What's up with THIS?!" If you're expecting a hellish looking breakfast, then NO. One of the few things Rachel does correctly is cook breakfast. But when it comes to dishes. . .

"You like? I call it Everest.", said Rachel. There was a large piled of pots and pans on the counter, dwarfing the original amount, which was simply Tifa's cup of tea from last night. "Although, I can't help it if I always make a lot of dishes. . .What are you staring at?"

"I wasn't looking at the dishes.", said Kami. "WHAT'S WITH YOUR HAIR?! IT'S NOT IN A PONYTAIL! IT'S. . .DOWN!"

"What, you think I sleep in a ponytail?", asked Rachel.

"That and it's. . .I THOUGHT YOU HAD STRAIGHT HAIR!"

"No, it's wavy. . .", said Rachel, trying to ignore Kami's expression. "What? Do I really look that different?" They all nodded. "Dear God. . ."

"You know, you look older with your hair down.", said Stephen.

"Yeah.", said Cloud, at the table, munching on bacon. "A few more years, and I'd probably date you." They all stared. "HEY! AND SHE'D HAVE TO GAIN SANITY FIRST, TOO!"

"Okay, that clarified it a little more. . .", said Sky. "Not quite, but a little. Good food, though."

"Anyone seen Laura, besides Tifa when they stepped out?", asked Rachel.

"I did.", said Christina. "She had to come upstairs because she left her car keys up in your room." Rachel went wandering off. "HEY! Is she really THAT spacey?"

"Seems so.", said Tifa. ". . .Did ALL of you forget my birthday?"

"Uh. . ." They all looked away nervously, and rather self-consciously.

"What about YOU, Cloud?" He began sweating as her red-brown eyes stared disdainfully into his face.

"N-NO!", he said. "It's just that, since we were caught up in the whole Shinra fiasco, I couldn't buy you a gift!"

"SAME HERE!", said Kiako.

"YEAH!", said Jessie. "WAAAAIT. . .I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU! CAN'T GUILT ME, LADY!"

"I'm evil. Can't make me do a thing.", said Surka.

"Heheheh. . ." Konoshi was making one of those smiley faces on her plate with her food. "Huh? I mean uh. . ."

"NEVERMIND. . .", Tifa sighed. "That's all right. . ."

"No, no, of course it's not all right!", Cloud insisted. "I promise, we'll all go out and do something fun!. . .As soon as I figure out how to do that."

"Wow. So bold for a man with a boyfriend and for being someone who instigated the reason for me to ask if anyone remembered.", said Tifa. "Congratulations. If you're not stupid, you're brave."

"HEY, NOW!"

"Okay, I'll just wait for her to get back.", said Rachel, waiting for Laura, now in her room, drawing something. "She'll only be about an hour. . ."

For about three hours, Rachel sat at her Japanese style table in her room, sitting on the floor hunched over, sketching something as the light filtered into her room. Three straight hours, of staring into a notebook. Until. . .

Who knows how many hours later. . .

"RACHEL, YOU DUNDERHEAD! MOVE YOUR ASS!"

"TIFA! ACK!"  
"Huh? How could you tell it was me?" Rachel turned around to look at her.

"The question Tifa is, how could I NOT tell it was you? You're the only one who ever-

"RACHEL, YOU DUNDERHEAD! MOVE YOUR ASS!" Kyoko was calling from downstairs.

"All right, then let's say you have a unique tone of hate in your voice.", said Rachel. "Why're ya' wakin' me up, eh?"

"Because, I thought you'd like some dinner.", said Tifa.

"What are you doing, running the whole household?"

"Well, you're mother is out in the garden, whom of course, Aeris is helping her, your father is at work, everyone around here is about as lazy as you, which is HORRIBLE, and I'm the only one with enough energy to complete anything."

"No, I think Chikara has enough energy. . ." Outside the window in Rachel's room, you had a glimpse of the backyard and pool. Chikara was running around in circle, screaming.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT ARE THESE THINGS?!" She was referring to the large flying insects with red eyes, clear rainbow-like wings and blue shiny body, with brown legs that made a type of buzzing noise even without flying. And by the way, they were flying around, EVERYWHERE.

"I think they call them cicadas. . .", said Vincent, holding one perched on his index finger. "Completely harmless, except to trees, for they feed off the sap and plant their eggs into them, and they're also a type of locust. They come out of the ground every 17 years in droves and swarms. I think about a million are estimated to have come up just in this area. Saw it on the morning news."

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" Chikara was still running around, trying to avoid them.

"ICKY, ICKY, ICKY, ICKY. . ." Holly was creeping about, taking a slightly more subtle way to avoid them.

"I dunno. I like 'em.", said Kyoko, covered with them.

"Pretty.", said Christina, a few on her shoulders and arms.

"AHHHH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!", asked Chikara.

"I like bugs. What?", Kyoko asked.

"WEIRD. . .", said Chikara, shuddering just looking at Kyoko, covered in the grasshopper-sized insects. "AND THE EYES. . .THE RED, RED EYES. . .THEY WANT MY SOUL!"

"You know, you can eat these in about anything.", said Vincent.

"EW!", said Sky. "I wouldn't eat these if someone paid me!"  
"Wanna eat one for a dollar?", asked Cloud. "Come on, I know hookers do anything for money. HEY!" Sky hit him on the head.

"I'M NOT A HOOKER!"

"Maybe not, but you have a cicada in your hair.", said Cloud.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEK!" Sky went running around in circles just like Chikara. "GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!"

"Hm. And I was just kidding.", said Cloud, watching. "Sometimes, you just gotta love cicada season. . ."

"Seems they found out about the cicadas coming up every 17 years. . .", said Rachel, still watching them.

"I see that. . .", said Tifa. "Anyway, come and help me with dinner. Hey, have you been sitting here all day?"

"Yeah, pretty much.", said Rachel.

"Why? Just fall asleep during drawing or something? You know, why don't you do anything productive, rather than sit about, sketching things?!"

"I have this thing.", Rachel said, a little seriously. "It's when I don't do anything arduous when I'm WORRIED." Rachel stood up, stepped around the clutter on the ground, and walked out of her room, with Tifa watching with raised eyebrows.

"Hmph.", said Tifa, looking past her shoulder. "Funny little child, isn't she? But what in the world could she be worried about. . .?"

Rachel, sitting in front of the computer in the basement, was actually quietly sobbing in front of it. With the realization that Rachel was not in the kitchen, trying to help (as she never does), Tifa sighed, and went downstairs, only to find her looking empathetically at the screen with teary eyes. She stood aback for a second, then ran over.

"Rachel, what's wrong?!" Rachel sniffled, and turned towards Tifa.

"IT'S AERIS' THEEEEEEEME!", she shouted. "I ALWAYS TEAR UP WHEN I HEAR IT!" Tifa fell over.

"I THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG!", Tifa shouted.

"BUT THERE IIIIIIIIS!", said Rachel. "IT'S THAT AERIS DIIIIIIIIIED! IT WAS SO SAAAAAAAAAAAD! I SWEAR THAT 99% OF PEOPLE TEARED UP SEEING IT! THE OTHER 1% IS JUST HEARTLESS!" Rachel switched to another theme, and Tifa sighed, hoping that this song wouldn't be as. . .odd in side effects. It was a song called "World Crisis". But sadly, Rachel just sunk her head into her arms, for the very beginning of the song is yes, a slow, bell version of Aeris' Theme. "WAAAAAAAAAH!"

"WHY ARE YOU MAKING YOURSELF CRY, HUH?!", asked Tifa. But Rachel already moved onto something else. It was. . .a Gregorian Chant?

"ESTUANS INTERIUS, IRA VEHEMENTI!" Rachel was singing along to One Winged Angel in Latin.

"YOU STOPPIT!", shouted Tifa, shutting off the speakers.

"Ooh, you're mean. . .", said Rachel, crossing her arms. Tifa sighed.

"What's your problem, huh? Just a minute ago, I asked you to help me! I know that you never do, and that's not abnormal behavior, but you just told me you're worried about something, and YOU ARE MAKING YOURSELF CRY FOR PETE'S SAKE!"

"Tifa?", asked Rachel.

"What?"

"Who's Pete?"

"HE'S NOBODY!"

"Nah, I think you just hurt his feelings, wherever he is. . .", said Rachel.

"ANYWAY. . .", Tifa continued. "I think whatever it is you're worried about will be just fine, all right? Now, are you gonna help me?"

"Tifa, what are you worried about?" Tifa was a little quiet at this question, giving a bored stare to Rachel. "Well?"

"What makes you think I'm worried about something?"

"We're all worried about something. Many people don't show that kind of emotion, but I can pick it up from people. Call it some sort of 'vibe messaging' thing. We're all worried about the same thing. But, I suppose due to different aspects of the situation, we're all worried about different parts of it. I'm worried that if Laura doesn't get back soon, I'll wind up not seeing her again because she's too preoccupied packing. She has a tendency to overdo things, if you haven't noticed." Tifa was silently acknowledging that. "So if she does overdo her packing, I think she'll forget the time, and have to leave immediately." A funny smile came over Tifa's face. "What? What are you doing?"

"Well, if that isn't the silliest thing I have EVER heard you say.", said Tifa, sauntering a short distance away from Rachel, before turning back to her. "Certainly not the dumbest, but it's very silly. Worrying that Laura won't come back and say goodbye before she goes? You don't know her well enough to be a close friend of hers then. Being around her, I at least get the point that she doesn't like to leave things hanging. Ask Vincent. He can testify to that. Now, stop worrying, it gives you wrinkles. That, and it causes stress, which can create unsightly blemishes."

"Tifa, giving me beauty tips.", said Rachel, standing up and shutting down the computer. "Somehow, judging by the way you look, I'm not surprised."

"Are you calling me pretty then?", asked Tifa.

"Ask anyone, and they'd say so.", said Rachel, looking into the monitor, then shutting the screen off. "Don't need any worries about that. You could pass for a model. All right, you could pass for a supermodel, but if anyone asks, I never gave you a compliment in your entire life."

"How could you be this mean to your favorite character from a game you sold your soul to?"

"How could you be this mean to a child?", asked Rachel. Tifa gave an abrupt grin, before taking Rachel by the collar, and shoving her forward.

"HELP. KITCHEN. NOW."

"HEY! THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! YOU JUST CAN'T ADMIT DEFEAT!"

"You don't have any volume control, child. Or respect. Help." Tifa began shoving Rachel up the stairs.

"ACK!"

Heading through yet another wonderfully odd dinner. . .

For the sake of time, I am not going to head through this whole charade. Same as the day before, and I'm absolutely sure you DO NOT want to read the same crap over again.

Night fell once more, leaving the occupants left without a place to stay, save for the carpeted space beside the kitchen, called Rachel's living room. The sleeping quarters were the same, with the same people, in the same spots. Which, needlessly to say, left everyone as uncomfortable as the night before.

"MUST. . .NOT. . .MURDER. . .ILLEGAL. . ." Rachel was fighting the temptation to smother Kiro in her sleep, having noticed that she had snuck up from behind, and fell asleep on Rachel's lower half. It was 2:00 in the morning, nearly pitch black again, except for the dim light left on above the stove, shedding barely adequate illumination for Rachel's taste, but even the light from ten thousand burning suns couldn't satisfy Rachel at this point, having some girl lying in your lap from 1. Exhaustion, and 2. She wants to get in your pants. Light is good.

"Wooh. . .I didn't imagine it would take that long. . ." The door creaked open, and shut, rather audibly in fact, making you wonder why everything is so loud early in the morning. Laura's footsteps clunked in their boots(Funny thing, really. As for Laura, she had the same shoes, in comparison to Rachel still having her katana.), and she was dragging a suitcase and about a dozen other bags/boxes across the floor, barely able to move. "I knew I would regret taking all this stuff. . ."

"Fine time you decide to get home." Rachel was glaring at Laura from the couch, sitting up, her hair still never have been taken from the ponytail. Like she's been expecting this.

"Why are you still up?", asked Laura. She spotted Kiro's head in Rachel's lap. "Oh. I see."

"That's not it. . .", said Rachel.

"And what?", Laura said. "You'd really sleep with her there?"

"NO!", Rachel shouted. A few people moved a little bit when she yelled, but nothing much. Well. . .

"Oh Sephy, you're such a kidder. . .Hand me the pelican spork, please. . .", Konoshi mumbled in her sleep.

"Uh. . .I wouldn't recommend you yell.", said Laura, after observing that. "It's a little. . .Um. . ."

"Yeah, I get the point.", said Rachel, still looking angry at Laura.

"Are you angry at me?", asked Laura. "All right, I admit I was the one who burned some of your papers when I lit that candle, but-

"WHAT?!"

"SHHH!" A noise came from upstairs.

"My my, that was a little random. . .", said Laura. "What's up?" She walked over to Rachel, a little slowly after exertion, and fell down into a small space that Rachel made, after struggling to move under Kiro's weight on her legs.

"Waiting for you. . .", said Rachel in a low tone, retrieving her legs from Kiro and letting her fall to the ground, never waking up. ". . .That was strangely expected."

"She didn't go daft after knocking her head on the Highwind. Of course you expected it.", said Laura, moving back into her little niche, for Rachel was already moving to the other side of the couch to make room for a seat. "Why are you angry at me? Hey, I wasn't the one who left the seat up. I don't even come with that equipment."

"I KNOW YOU DON'T COME WITH THAT EQUIPMENT. . .I SHOULD ONLY HOPE THAT YOU DON'T. . .", said Rachel. "I'm angry because you didn't say good-bye before you left." Laura had this incredulous look, staring back at Rachel.

"That's it?!", asked Laura. "Jesus Rachel! I thought I killed your pet or something!"

"I don't have any pets.", said Rachel.

"I know that. But it was just an example.", Laura replied. "I can't believe this. You were angry just because I didn't tell you I was leaving?"

"Call it a superstition. . .", said Rachel. "But there was this story that I heard."

"Don't believe everything you hear. . .", Laura sighed.

"No, just listen. I heard it from someone. You see, my friend had always said 'good-bye' whenever their mother left the house. But one day, she slept in while their mother went out, and she never said 'good-bye'. Normally, her mother would tell her when she was going out, but this time, their mother didn't because the night before, she came back from a game and was really tired after staying up late talking about it. So, of course the mother allowed her to stay in. So, that morning when her mother didn't say 'good-bye', and while she, the daughter slept in, there was an accident. And the mother died. She never said good-bye." Again, Laura had this funny look.

"So, you think I'm gonna die?", asked Laura.

"Nooo!", said Rachel. "But you were gone so long, I thought you wouldn't have time to come back here. Then, I couldn't say good-bye."

". . ." Laura had no reply. Well. . . "OH MY GOD! THAT IS SO CUTE!" Laura was giving Rachel a big huggle.

"GAHK! LAURA! AIR! AIR!", gasped Rachel.

"AWWWWW! YOU CARE! THAT IS SO NICE! Huh? Rachel, you're purple!" Laura released from the massive hug, allowing air to circulate in Rachel's lungs.

"DAMN, WOMAN. . .", Rachel said, breathing in heavily. "YOU GOT YOURSELF AN ARM. . ."

"Eheheh. Sorry 'bout that. . .Although, I wish Vincent were that sweet. . ."

"Hah! She dissed you!" Mars and some of the rest in the other room were still awake, including Vincent, who was watching with him.

"Oh, you shut up. . .", said Vincent, glowering. "Second to hyperactive child. . .How humiliating. . ."

"Oh, ignore the man. . .", said Rachel. "He has no feelings, remember?"

"Oh yeah, that's right. . .", agreed Laura.

"D'oh. . .", went Vincent.

"Still angry?", Laura asked.

"Well, you almost killed me. . .", said Rachel, thinking about it. "So, I suppose-HEY!" Laura had Rachel in another huggle. "YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE HUGS!"

"It's a huggle. It's entirely different.", she said.

"It still involves being in my personal aura bubble.", said Rachel.

"You know, I wish you weren't so crabby.", said Laura, glaring at Rachel, letting go. "I swear, when it comes to hugs, you have 100% PMS-related feelings." Rachel still looked completely sour. "Oh what now? I'm not hugging you!"

"Yeah, well. . .I'm still angry at you.", said Rachel.

"No, you're not.", said Rachel.

"Yes, I am."

"No, you're not."

"YES, I AM. . ."

"Hey, I see you smirking!"  
"I'M ANGRY!"

"AWWW! YOU'RE SMILING! SMILES!"  
"NOOO!"

"You're not angry!"

"Yeah, I am!"

"Over what then?!"

"You're annoying me!"

"You wanted to see me, earlier!"

"Now it's later! I'm still angry!"

"COME ONNNNNN!" Laura latched onto Rachel again. "Hugs make everything better!" Rachel was putting up a fight, flailing her arms, but Laura had a hold on her stomach, not letting her go. Rachel sighed, and gave up.

"I hope you're happy, woman.", said Rachel, clearly letting out a little resentment. "Hugs are the devil reincarnated as love. . ."

"Oh yeah. Sure.", said Laura. "I'm your best friend and you know it."

"Laura. . .Lemme go already, will ya'?", asked Rachel. "I know you like hugging people you like, but-

"Oh, so you hate me now. How touching."

"No, that's not-

"I CAN SEE WHEN I'M NOT WANTED!"

"Hey, will you-

"OH, THE PAIN! I AM HATED AND DESPISED! I THINK I WILL JUST LEAVE FOREVER!"  
"DON'T JOKE ABOUT THAT!", said Rachel. Laura had stopped in her rant. ". . .Promise me you'll come back, 'kay?" Laura still looked surprised. ". . .Will you? Please?"

". . .AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! YOU MAY BE TALLER THAN ME, BUT STILL, THAT'S CUTE!"

"WHAT'S ME BEING TALLER GOT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING?!"

"SMALLER IS CUTE! But taller. . .isn't."

"IS THAT AN INSULT?!"

"Nooooo. . .", said Laura, letting go of Rachel. "But hey, you're younger than me, so I suppose that counts."

"I'm fourteen. No, I'm not cute.", Rachel said.

"Shut up. I'm you're elder. You must listen.", said Laura, mockingly.

"You're seventeen! As if I'll really listen to you!"

"True. If Tifa's even older than me, of course you won't listen."

"Thank you for understanding.", said Rachel, smugly.

"Uh, huh. Yeah.", said Laura, skeptically. "You're such a doof."

"Doof?"

"Doof."

"Doof?!"

"Doof."

"TAKE IT BACK!"  
"Doof. . .", said Laura. "Getting worked up over everything. . .What a fine example Tifa has become. . .But even then, she doesn't get worked up this much. . .All right, fine. I promise I'll come back, okay?"

"Hmph. Good.", said Rachel, letting go a minute smile. "I can't annoy these people all by myself."

"Yeah.", said Laura, smiling, too. "Though I bet you'd do just fine on your own."

"I bet the same as well.", Rachel said. ". . .Gonna get some sleep?"

"Yep.", said Laura. "It's only a few hours, but that's all right. I'm gonna go upstairs. G'night." Laura stood up, and shuffled past the boxes in the kitchen, exiting.

"Wait!", said Rachel, calling after her. "You forgot something!"

"Huh? What is it?", asked Laura, just about to enter the hallway to the stairs.

"Good night." Laura's eyebrows raised.

"No 'good-bye'?"

"No.", said Rachel. "Leave, and I'll kill you." Laura smirked.

"I'll keep that in mind. 'Night."

"GAAAAAAAAAAH! YOU PEOPLE ARE HOPELESS!" Tifa was shoving everyone through to the terminal. "LATE! LATE! YOU ARE ALL LATE!"  
"I'm just surprised we all fit in that car and came out all right. . .", mumbled Keily, looking like she was thrown into a small box and staggered out.

"You think we really should bring our weapons into the airport?! We're not terrorists!", said Rachel.

"DON'T CARE! WE'RE LATE!", said Tifa. "WE NEED TO TAKE LAURA TO HER TERMINAL!"

"That's very nice, but are you this eager to get rid of me?!", asked Laura.

"JUST GET A MOVE ON! YOUR BAGS ARE ALREADY ON THE CONVEYOR AND ARE GONNA BE PUT ONTO THE PLANE, RIGHT?!", asked Tifa.

"Yeah."

"PASSPORT?!"  
"Guam isn't out of the country. I'm a citizen, too. AND I'M FROM CALIFORNIA, NOT GUAM!", shouted Laura.

"HOW WONDERFUL, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT!", said Tifa, not having any exposure to the names of places in the world.

"ALL RIGHT! AIRSHIPS! I LIKE THIS PLACE!", shouted Cid.

"Cid, there's no smoking in an airport.", said Kiako.

"WHAAAAT?! $#%(!"  
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"  
"Dear Lord, smite me now. . .", Vincent sighed. "Tifa, we're already here, so calm down. Laura still has fifteen minutes, and I can see the terminal." They were standing in the middle of a bustling crowd, moving here and there, past airport restaurants, waiting places at each terminal, and signs, telling how many flights were delayed, and when each would depart. The one thing that never change wherever they went, was. . .

"Are they all staring at us?", asked Rachel, observing some onlookers, all staring at them.

"I wouldn't blame them. . .", said B.T. "We're not the most normal looking bunch, and well. . .A lot of people like FF7. A LOT."

"At least I know I'm the main character of a popular videogame. . .", said Cloud. "Not something that was despised. . ."

"Er. . .Cloud, I should say it's a good thing your sword is that big.", said Rachel.

"Why? Optimum killing ability?"

"No."

"The allowance to cleave rocks?"

"No."

"It's shiny?"

"Yes, but no.", said Rachel. "I think the guards think it's fake. . .Especially since your sword is kinda. . .Novelty."

"Novelty?!"

"They sell a lot of them. . .Dull.", said Rachel. "I mean, couldn't-harm-a-fly dull. That, and they think it's a cosplay. . ."

"Cosplay?", asked Tifa.

"I'll explain later.", said Rachel.

"OH. MY. GOD.", said some hyperventilating girl, looking at Vincent. "IT'S YOU! OH MY GOD! AND EVEN IF IT ISN'T, THAT'S THE BEST VINCENT COSPLAY I'VE EVER SEEN!" Vincent was looking around nervously, his eyes darting everywhere, trying not to make eye contact with the girl.

"Um. . .Thank you?", said Vincent to the girl.

"IS THE HAIR REAL?!" She took a lock of his hair. "OH MY GOD! THE HAIR REALLY IS THAT SOFT! AND IT'S SO SHINY! I'M JEALOUS!" Cloud was fit to burst from laughter.

"We appreciate the compliment. . .", said Laura, walking over to the girl. "But we've got a flight to catch."

"Oh, and who are you?!", asked the girl, snidely. "It's a free country!"

"Really?", asked Cloud. "No Shinra? I can insult the guards?!"

"No Cloud, you can't.", said Rachel. "First, that's a bad idea. Fun, but no. And next of all, they're not guards. They're rent-a-cops."

"That's for a mall, not an airport, Rachel.", said Sky.

"Oh. Oh yeah."

"VINCENT!" The girl was clutching him. Laura, was. . .well, irritated, but a better phrase would be "empowered by the gods to smite all that is living with a flaming red Meteor that will kill us all, but more importantly, the one who has committed the infraction to instigate the fury". But that's too long of a phrase, so irritated shall do.

"PLEASE, WE HAVE A PLANE TO-

"No way!", said the girl, ignoring Laura. "Come on Vinnie, I know you love me. . ."

"Laura? Laura?" Rachel was talking to Laura, though she was ignoring her. "I can hear your teeth grinding. And I don't think that eye twitch is healthy. Laura?"

"Oh dear. . .", said Vincent, looking at her. "Miss? I'd suggest you'd remove yourself from my person, lest-

"LEST I KICK YOUR ASS!", shouted Laura. The girl looked a little freaked out now. "YOU WANNA KNOW WHO HE IS?! HE'S MY BOYFRIEND!"

"I KNEW IT!", said Lucrecia, sounding oddly happy about it. But hey, she's a space case. "I KNEEEEEW IT! VINCE HERE'S A PEDOPHILE!" Vincent groaned at the remark.

"Hey, you don't need to-

"OFF. NOW." Laura was about an inch from the girl's face, before the girl ran off, looking terrified, and extremely pale. Laura returned to a happy expression. "Well, that's taken care of!" They stared. "What? Whaaaaat?!"

"That's a new side of Laura I would NOT care to invoke. . .", said Rachel.

"Me neither.", said Tifa.

"That's my girl. . .", Vincent sobbed.

"So I suppose this is it. . .", said Laura, looking at the time. "I don't have a lot of time. So, I guess-YAAAAAAAAH!" She was swarmed by everyone, rushing in. "HUGS ARE GOOD, BUT NOT GROUP HUGS! ESPECIALLY BY A GROUP THIS BIG! BARRET, ARE YOU GIVING ME A HUG?!"  
"Um. . .no?", he said nervously, even though he was. "AWWWW! GONNA MISS 'YA!"

"Never, EVER, thought I'd hear that. . .", said Laura.

"WAIT. . .NEED. . ." Mars was shoving himself through the crowd. "HUG!" All of a sudden, Laura was receiving this giant hug from him.

"Mars? Are you feeling all right?", asked Laura.

"I SUPPOSE IT IS TOO LATE TO DECLARE UNDYING LOVE!", he shouted.

"He really is a fruit, isn't he?", asked Keily.

"What?", asked Laura, staring over at him.

"BUT IT IS NO PROBLEM!", he said melodramatically. "ALTHOUGH I CANNOT OFFER YOU THIS ROSE OF AFFECTION. . ." He turned to Kiro. "WOULD YOU ACCEPT IT, MY LADY?!"  
"Fruit.", said Kiro, shaking her head, then walking off.

"NOOOOOO! Damn, that didn't work. . .", said Mars. "If this doesn't work on KIRO, I MUST be dying a virgin. . .DAMMIT!" He trodded off.

". . . .YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. . .", said Laura. "Um. . .Anyone have a NORMAL good-bye?"

"Hmph." Christina walked over to her. "Here." She stuck her hand in her pocket, and in her hand dangled a chain, and revealed it to be Laura's original Crystal Bangle. "Thought you'd want it."

"What?!" Laura was staring at it. It even had the materia. "Whoaaaaa. . ."

"Hey." Next, was Tifa, who gave her a hug, and a pat on the back, before letting her go. "I don't really have much to give you, but. . .I took these." Tifa took out the sheet music that Zangan wrote on. "By mistake, I had taken the sheet music you wrote on too, and I figured it might be a nice souvenir. . ." Laura took it from her hand, and gave Tifa a hug, too.

"No really, it's great! But I wondered where it went. . .", said Laura, looking at it.

"Yeah well, got more people in line. . .", said Tifa, moving out of the way.

"NOOOOOO!", said Konoshi, giving Laura a death grip hug.

"Wha?!", asked Laura.

"THIS CAN'T BE THE END! LAURA CAN'T GO! THAT'S INSANE! IF YOU GO, VINCENT WILL BE ALONE FOREVER!"

"What?", asked Vincent, wondering why he became the subject suddenly.

"KONOSHI. . .IT'S FLATTERING, BUT. . ." Laura coughed. "LEMME GO. . ."

"NOOOOO!" B.T. was escorting Konoshi off. "LAURANTIIIIIIIIIIINE!"

"Ignore her, please.", said B.T. "She's feeling emotional. Good luck, Laura."

"Thanks. . .", replied Laura.

"Ah, Laura grasshopper.", said Yuffie, strolling over. "You were a fine student of ninjitsu. Well, not really, but you were better than Rachel."

"HEY!"

"But really, I'm gonna miss you." Yuffie gave her a brief hug, before sniffling. "I'LL NEVER HAVE SUCH SHINY SHURIKENS AGAIN! YOU WERE SO GOOD AT CLEANING THEM!"

"All right, move over!" Yuffie was bumped out of the way by Jessie. "I have almost NO idea who you are, but good luck, all right? I'd say the same for Julia if she were here. Wonder where that woman went. . ."

"HIHI!" Chikara approached, followed by Nyow and Holly.

"Hey.", said Nyow.

"Hiya.", said Holly.

"We're here to say good-byyyeee!", said Chikara, in a singsong voice.

"I've hardly talked to you ever, but we'll miss you.", said Holly.

"You know, I'M saying goodbye. . .", said Nyow. "Buuut. . ." She clenched her eyes shut, and before anyone knew what was happening, she hit herself on the head with an audible "THUD!". With a poof (thank God nobody could really see past the crowd of people.), she transformed into Mia, and stood up.

"Funny system, huh?", asked Mia. "At this rate, I should be dead now! But hey Laura, see ya', so like, yeah."

"Um. . .You too, Mia. . .", said Laura.

"I'd hug you, but I don't do that.", said Surka, walking up to Laura past everyone. "So, I guess I'll just say good-bye then."

"Hmph.", said Laura, her mouth twisting into a smile. "Good-bye to you too, Surka." Surka halted for a second, before turning around quickly and hugging Laura. Laura was taken by surprise, when Surka let go, and brushed herself off.

"Forget that ever happened.", said Surka, before walking off.

"Five minutes 'til departure!", said a speaker. "Flight No. 825, leaves in five minutes!"

"Damn.", said Laura. "I gotta go, you guys. . ."

"HUGGLES!"

"AAAAAAAGH! VINCENT?!" Vincent gave her a hug that picked her off the ground, and then, he eventually took her up in his arms. "VINCENT, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"  
"I shall take you onboard the plane!", he declared. "Come!"  
"YOU CAN'T DO THAT!", she shouted.

"Why not?"

"YOU DON'T HAVE A TICKET!"

"Oh. . . .DAMMIT!", he said. "But I DO have a shotgun, so-

"NO.", said Laura. "Killing is BAD. . ." He set her on the ground again, and he looked down at her, past his blood red cloak that covered his mouth, as well as half of his face. He looked down at her seriously. The others exchanged glances, and walked away.

"If there is one thing you must take back with you to Guam, remember these words, until you return. Past the length of years, when everything begins to fade, when you fall short over doubts, when your tears dry up, and even the sting of embarrassment through prior trials leave you unaffected, there is one thing past all those that will still renew itself time and time again, and will never fade. Love." He treaded off, and his cloak swept up behind him. Laura stood alone at the terminal, watching him until the crowd brushed by her, jostling her into the walkway to the plane.

"Aw, Vince. That was kinda sweet.", said Lucrecia, whom he sat down with.

". . .You. . .heard?", he asked.

"I kinda presumed by the way her eyes followed you until she left.", Lucrecia said with a grin. "I just have one question. . .Where was Rachel?"

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" Rachel was running to the terminal, knocking over people, trying to move quickly enough. "STUPID TIFA, NOT LETTING ME GO TO THE BATHROOM BACK AT THE HOUSE! NOW I'M LATE! LAAAAAAAUUUUURRRAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Is that Rachel?", asked Lucrecia, pointing over to her.

"Huh?" Vincent turned around. "Yeah, that is-Wait, she didn't say good-bye, did she?!"

"Excuse me. . ." The person beside the walkway was talking to someone who asked her a question, while she was shutting up the walkway. She paused in doing so, and Rachel looked up at the terminal sign. Finding opportunity, she snuck in past her, and the gate shut.

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Vincent screamed, after seeing that Rachel snuck onboard the plane.

"WHAAAAAAAAAT?!" Tifa was watching, too. "DAMMIT, RACHEL!"

"Okay, I'll just leave before they fly off. They always fly late, anyway. . .", said Rachel, entering. "And, I'll just leave before the ticket check. Yeah. Um. . ." Rachel walked past first class, and scanned second. Laura was sitting in the middle aisle, in the middle row, taking out some papers from her jacket. "There she is. . ."

Laura flipped open the music sheet Tifa gave her, all while fingering her Crystal Bangle. She looked at it and smiled, remembering that it was all written on the second day she was there. Her eyes dabbled over the corrections to the original, and she caught sight of something when she tried reaching for another sheet, and the back was exposed upwards. There was a lot of writing, but there sat a note in slanted, neat cursive writing that she had seen before.

"Laura,

And I bet you thought I handed this to you on a whim! I had just decided to give you it just now, and I thought maybe somebody else would have something to say about it. It just seems that everyone did. But personally, I'd like to tell you just a little something. No matter where you are, the people who have touched you the most will always be carried with you. Laura will always be here.

Tifa."

And when Laura's eyes moved off the note, little signatures of everyone else were scribbled all over the paper. Everyone, except for the curious absence of Rachel. Below at the right hand corner, was Tifa's writing again.

"If you noticed Rachel isn't on here, dummy was asleep. And you KNOW she won't wake up if she's asleep. But I had everyone who'd miss you sign this, just to prove my point. Oh and don't bother counting. Everyone signed."

"Well Tifa, you're wrong there. . .", said Laura. "Rachel didn't sign, just like you said." Her attention was diverted. She heard loud breathing above her. Rachel, eyes wide, was pointing her finger at her, like she'd gone insane.

"YOU. . .", said Rachel.

"RACHEL?!", shouted Laura.

"YOU OWE ME. . .A GOOD-BYE. . ."

"I'm sorry, but we can't allow you on the plane!", said the person beside the gate.

"Yeah, well you have someone on the plane that doesn't have a ticket either, so if you'd be as so kind to move, we'll retrieve them and be on our way.", said B.T.

"No exceptions!", said the person. "At any rate, they will be escorted off after ticket check!"

"You don't get the point, do you?", asked Tifa. "The person on there is well, a moron. But she's stupid with dumb luck. More than likely, she'll stumble into the bathroom or the baggage area in the plane, and camp out there."

"I still cannot permit you!"

"Don't worry about this. . .", Reno whispered to Tifa. "I got it taken care of. . ." He snuck back, and Tifa returned her attention to the matter at hand.

"You have to permit us, because. . .Are you listening?" The girl was staring blankly in front of her. In fact, a lot of girls stopped and stared in the same direction, but Tifa, took the advantage and snuck on, while everyone followed.

"COME ON, ANDARIEL. . .", said B.T., dragging her along. "He's a moron, stop looking."

"YEAH LADIES!", said Reno, who had taken off his shirt and jacket to bare his entire upper body, which was, needlessly to say, quite impressive. . . "GOT YOUR EYE CANDY RIGHT HERE!" He marched over to the girl who guarded the gate, and patted her on the cheek. "I don't blame you." He boarded on, and shut the door. The girl only blushed, and fell down.

"Rachel, don't you think there's a LITTLE problem with you on the plane? One such problem being, YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!" Laura was yelling at Rachel, who had followed her on.

"Rachel, what the hell?!", shouted Tifa, standing with the rest who had found her there.

"WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING HERE?!", asked Laura.

"We followed dummy.", said Tifa.

"They're checking tickets!", said Laura. "WE HAVE TO MOVE YOU OUT!" She moved behind them, and began moving them all to the back.

"Hey, what are you doing?!", asked Korus.

"SHUT UP! I'M GETTING YOU OFF THE PLANE!" Laura kept moving them, past third class, and to a door in the back. It was dark, but she figured that a light went out in one of the walkways, and had them all step in.

"Miss, what are you doing?", asked a male flight attendant.

"NOTHING!", she said, shutting the door quickly, shoving Rachel in.

"ACK!", shouted Rachel, falling over. ". . .Where are we? And why does it smell dusty in here?"

"Miss, if you're looking for the bathrooms, they're over there, to your right. Now, return to your seat, because we're about to take off."

"Um. . .Right. . .", she said. He sighed, and shook his head, muttering something about clueless passengers.

"Laura, there's no air in-WAUGH!" Rachel stuck her head outside, and Laura, seeing another flight attendant, slammed the door shut again, and moved away before another attendant could find her there.

"Yes, everyone, please buckle up, we are about to take off.", said a female flight attendant. Laura sat down in her seat, in the middle of the aisle, buckled up, and sighed, tilting her head back.

"This is gonna be one long summer. . .", she sighed.

* * *

AN3: Ah, left nearly unchanged. . .How lovely. (Unfortunately, it HAS undergone a major format change, but I don't feel like changing the original ending notes. Please, forgive a lack of double spaces when settings transist. . .I didn't have much time to repost it, and this'll take a little getting used to. . .I apologize in advance for the next few chapters.)

Laura: You probably should've changed the format for this thing. . .

AN3: Why?

Laura: Because whoever sent in a complaint is gonna only read this, and then not approving of how it is in such a similar state, is gonna hafta knock you off here again.

AN3: ::sighs:: WHATEVER! I'M BEGINNING NOT TO CARE ANYMORE! IF THIS IS TAKEN OFF AGAIN, I'LL PROBABLY BE TOO INSANE TO CARE!

Alternate Earth Cult: ::big, wide, staring, saucer-sized eyes:: NEVER!

Cloud: . . .There's a cult?

Jessie: WOOOOOO! CULT!

Mars: ::big smile::

Konoshi: I'm PRESIDENT! WOOHOO!

AN3: I can't believe this series has rabid fans. . .Who talk incessantly about it. . .In the disclaimer for the series, we should give side-effects.

Cloud: ::speaking really quickly:: Side-effects may include: Vomiting, nausea, delusions, gibberish, stroke, heart disease, loss of sanity, blindness, fangirlish tendencies, sleep apnea, utter devotion, squealing every time something kinda sweet happens, uncontrollable yelling, itchiness (I just got an itch on my head, and guess what I'm blaming! Don't sue us for these side-effects! We got no money!), instability, depression, bipolarity, and in some cases, death.

Everyone: ::STARES::

Cloud:. . .I made half of them up. Including death.

Everyone: THAT'S BETTER!

AN3: Still, is nice to know people follow this fanfiction, no matter how many time spews it out of the gutters. . .

Tifa: It has a perfectly good sorting system, if it took this thing out. . .

AN3: ::mumbles various curses:: Okay, I suppose that's it. Nothing else more to say. . . Except, Jessie, you really call yourself and Holly amateur writers, and me a professional? ::turns pink:: But I thought I sucked, and you two were really good. . .Anywho, if you're reading this, I'll try and take a look at that joint fic of yours. . .

Stephen: What about reading my fic?!

AN3: I'LL GET TO IT WHEN I HAVE TIME! I know I have to read some of it before I read Jessie and Holly's fic. . .By the way, if you haven't read "This is Not a Yuffentine", you're really missing something. I LIKE IT! And I don't get to read a lot of fanfiction. . .If you get a review from me, you're lucky. If you get consecutive reviews from me, that means you're special. And special in a good way, not in a crazy way.

Holly: ::extremely large grin::

Cloud: Has she finally snapped?

AN3: No, she's the only person I ever give consecutive reviews to. Hmm. . .but I forget if I give Konoshi consecutive reviews. . .And I think I give Keo some reviews, but she hasn't written anything for a LOOOOOOOOOONG time. Her story has cobwebs on it.

Konoshi: Funny word, "cobwebs".

AN3: . . .Uhuh. Right. Go and read that story. 'Tis quite lovely. ::beaming:: AND JESSIE SENT ME A SHIRTLESS CLOUD PIC! I LOVE IT! AHAHAHAHAAAAA!

Cloud: Hey, if it's me shirtless, you gotta love it.

AN3: Ah, yes, as long as it's anatomically correct, and they don't elongate your stomach so that it makes you look like a Dachshund or anything. . .Why am I talking about dogs?

Stephen: ::playing with his puppy:: Because they're fun?

AN3: YEAH! THAT'S WHY! Now that we've wasted a lot of your life, you can go now! Bye bye!


	2. Chapter 2: First Stop

Chapter 2: First Stop?

Notes: Again, Squaresoft owns FF7 ::yawns:: and LadyTifa26 owns Laura. . .I hate these new notes. . .

* * *

"It's dark. It's cold. I'm hungry. And I'm sitting on something that's moving. . ." said Rachel, feeling down on the ground, in the dark of the luggage bay. "AH! WHAT'S THAT?! It's really big and. . .soft?"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! STOP FEELING ME UP!" Tifa shrieked. "SO THAT'S YOU DOING THAT!"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! CUT OFF MY HAND! PLEASE!" Rachel screamed, clutching her wrist.

"SSSHHHHH!" Vincent hissed, holding up a finger though he doubted Rachel could see it in the dark.

"It's not a great time to be yelling," said Christina. "Though, I do wonder what I'm currently lying on."

"You know you love me. . ." It was Korus' voice.

"Ah!" Christina sprang up from her spot, and felt around until she sat back down among some suitcases.

"So, Laura sticks us in here, and we're due to San José, eh?" asked Kristi. "How wonderful."

"Oh, don't complain about it. . . ," said Tifa, holding out her hand and with some materia, holding a small flame there so there would be some light. "We're stuck with it, aren't we? And I think we really wanted to come with her, didn't we?" A lot of them just kind of looked away with a funny expression. "I thought so. . ."

"So what if we all have our attachments? It comes naturally for those who have known somebody for a while." said Rachel. "And besides, what are YOU trying to guilt me into?! She IS my friend after all!"

"I'm not trying to imply anything at all," Tifa said. "I'm just saying we really are kinda like a close knit family, aren't we?"

"Wow. . .", said Sky. "Can I be Tifa's sister, then?"

"NO.", replied Tifa.

"Can I be your husband?", asked Cloud.

"NO!"  
"Can **I** be your husband?", asked Stephen.

". . .Maybe," said Tifa, egging Cloud on. He made a small grumbling noise, and turned away stubbornly.

"If we're a family, then Rachel's in my harem!", said Kiro. "C'mere, Rachel! Meet your dominatrix! ...Rachel?" Rachel was hiding behind some suitcases, sobbing insanely, tucked in the fetal position. "Crap. I think I did it again. . ."

"Put her on the edge of a nervous breakdown?", guessed Cloud.

"Yeah. Pretty much," said Kiro, shrugging.

Laura was sitting uneasily in her airline seat, rocking back and forth nervously while others watched the classic, "Dude, Where's My Car?!". She couldn't stand the restraint of the seat belt, so she snapped it off, and was about to stand up when she almost knocked into a flight attendant.

"Whoaa! Not so fast!" said the flight attendant, steadying her before she knocked him over. "Is there anything I can get you?"

"Bathroom," she said, not making eye contact, and instead looking at the rear of the plane.

"Um...All right," he said, moving out of her way. "Don't hesitate to ask if you need any-

"I'm fine," she said quickly, already moving. She stumbled through the narrow walkway, and made it to the back.

"Hmm," said the attendant. "What's up with her? The runs?"

"Oh God, I hope they haven't burned all the luggage. . . ," Laura grumbled, making sure nobody saw her. Inside the luggage bay, she could hear thumping. And was that. . .music? "Guys?" She twisted the large handle, and the metal door creaked open, and what blasted out, she didn't believe.

"YEAAAAAAH!" Kiro lifted up a wine bottle she stole from the kitchen (held for First Class, of course...), while some others were standing up and clapping, around the fire Tifa made which was now burning with her STILL sitting there (and not enjoying it), Kristi, playing her guitar, Rachel, with some stolen flute with the case open beside her, and. . .What the hell were they playing?

"RACHEL, WHY ARE YOU PLAYING THE OPENING SONG TO 'THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: THE WIND WAKER?!"

"Huh?" Rachel looked up at Laura, after playing the flute part. "Oh crap. . .Uh, Kristi?"

"Yeah?" She stopped playing the violin solo. ". . .Oh. Oops."

"Where's this person?" asked one flight attendant to another, seeing some of Laura's belongings in her seat, but no Laura.

"I wouldn't ask. . . ," said the one that Laura first ran into. "People can be sensitive. . ."

"Sensitive? To what?" asked a puzzled attendant.

"Er. . .I think this passenger had a. . .major bowel movement."

"Ah. . . ," said the second attendant. "Gotcha."

"YOU. . .WHAT DID YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING?!", shouted Laura, with the door closed.

"Well. . . ," said Rachel. They were all sitting around the fire generated by Tifa. "We just wanted a little diversion until we landed. . ."

"DIVERSION?!" asked Laura. "I'LL DIVERSION YOU!"

"Hey!" said Kiro. "If ANYONE is gonna make a 'diversion' for Rachel, I could do that for hours on end, and maybe a little-

"SHUT UP, KIRO!" they all said together.

"Please, don't burn down the plane, do not cause any internal damage, do not get found out, tossed overboard, and when all else fails, I am going to deny knowing any of you, all right?" said Laura.

"Aw, Laura. . . ," Rachel said in a whiny tone. "But we love you! We won't deny knowing you!"

"Especially when we can drag ourselves down with you to come along. . . ," said Nyow.

"And I think they'll believe all of us instead of the one of you," said Cloud.

"OH WHATEVER!" Laura screeched. "DON'T GET CAUGHT!

"Stressy, stressy. . .", said Rachel in a singsong voice. "Come on Laura! We found a bottle of Bordeaux!" She held up a bottle of wine. "Good thing this got past security from this guy, eh?" There was an open suitcase she had obviously taken it from.

"Gimme that. . . ," said Tifa, snatching it, then taking a large chug.

"Tifa, you're an alcoholic?" asked Rachel.

"I think anyone would be one, trying to manage you. . . ," she mumbled, setting it down.

"Thank you. . . ," said Reno, picking it off the floor.

"Hopeless. . . ," Laura sighed.

"Laura, stop being a Tifa and have fun, okay?" said Aeris.

"HEY!" Tifa shouted. "I THOUGHT YOU WERE ON MY SIDE!"

"Whoa, you're an angry drunk!" said Aeris.

"Uh. . .Aeris? Why are you so pink?" She had an unhealthy blush, and the wine bottle cork was in her lap.

"Explains why the bottle was already open. . . ," said Rachel. "But hey, we know Aeris is a funny drunk!"

"How does that benefit us?" asked Steve.

"I think it's so we know how to act to each of them when they're drunk. . .", said Korus. "Act bad to an angry drunk, and you could die. Or worse, never get laid with them."

"That's all you care about, isn't it?", asked Kami.

"Never get addicted to sex, my friend. . . ," said Korus, patting Kami hard on the shoulder.

"Laura, come on! Have some fun back here!" It was true that Laura wasn't having such a hot time out front. . .And that guy next to her began snoring and drooled on her shoulder. . . Her mouth tightened with indecisiveness, looked back to the heavy, shut metal door behind her, and then back to the rest of the group sitting there, awaiting her decision.

". . .Fine" she said. "But only for a little while."

"AND SHO. . .AND SHO I SHAID TO HIM. . ." Laura was speaking with a slur, finishing that Bordeaux. "THAT'SH NOT YER, GAH. . ."

"Wow.", said Rachel, a little pink with a buzz. "She sure got herself whacked, huh?"

"What about you, you underage drinker. . .?" said Tifa.

"Oh, that only applies to the public. Private consumption can't be detected. . .Who's the designated driver?"

"She's passed out on the suitcases.", said Cloud, pointing to Aeris who passed out resting her back on a large suitcase. "Hey, how long have we been here like this?"

"Hmm. . .", said Rachel, looking at her watch. "I'd say about 2 and a half hours. . .Wait, isn't that-

THUD!

"WHOAAAAAA!" Everyone was being flung everywhere, suitcases and boxes knocked all over them, swinging back and forth, hitting against the walls.

"A ROLLER COASTER HAS NOTHING ON THE U.S. AIRWAYS!" Rachel shouted.

"U.S.?!" asked Tifa. "WHAT'S THAT?!"

"UNITED STATES!", Rachel replied.

"WHAT A WEIRD NAME!" Tifa said. "AAAAHHHHHHHHH!" The cargo bay had stopped shaking itself all around. ". . .Wha?"

". . .Blenders," said Aeris, waking up. "Why does it feel like I was in a blender?"

"Because you were knocked around twenty feet?" Rachel guessed.

". . .No.", Aeris said. ". . .I think it's my hangover. . ."

"Oh, that figures. . . ," Reno replied, picking up a suitcase off his head. ". . .Where's Rufus?"

"Under that metal trunk.", said Vincent.

"H-help. . . ," said the Shinra president.

"RUFFY! NOOOO!" shouted Keily, diving for him. "I'LL SAVE YOU FROM THE CLUTCHES OF THE EVIL, MAN-EATING TRUNK!"

"GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"RUFFY!"

"GAH!"

"So, aside from our last little charade. . . ," said Tifa. "What happened?"

"Before I was cut off. . . ," said Rachel. "I was gonna say that we should've landed. . ."

CLUNK! SCREEEEEEE. . .

"Hah?" Everyone looked at the bay door on the ground that was opening. Light pierced inwards, forcing the others to shield their eyes, and the dark figure of an airport worker was there.

"Oh great, I just love my job. . . ," he said. "HEY! CHARLIE! BRING THE TRUCK OVER, WE GOT MORE LUGGAGE!"

"FAAAAARK. . .", Rachel hissed. "We're still in here! If they find us, we're dead!"

"We? Who's we?", asked Tifa.

"OH, YOU KNOW WHO 'WE' IS?!", whispered Rachel. "WE GOTTA HIDE!"

"No," said Vincent. "We need a diversion."

"Diversion?", asked Rachel. "I have the perfect diversion right here. . ."

"What's that? Your amazing stupidity? It would astound everyone, I know. . . ," Tifa said.

"No," said Rachel with an evil grin. "I should actually say that YOU have the most perfect diversion, Tifa. . ."

". . .Huh?"

"Hey guys, need any help?" By sending Tifa past the short amount of time the workers' backs were turned, they slipped Tifa behind them, to appear as she had just arrived there. "It's so very hot out here. . ." She tugged at her white top, at the strap, causing the men to stop everything and stare. "Why don't we. . .cool off?"

"Rachel, you're really having a kick out of this, aren't you?" asked Sky. Rachel had a huge toothy grin, trying to cover her laughter.

"Well, she really performs this really well, doesn't she?" Rachel asked. "Now, let's go. . .CLOUD!" Cloud and the rest of the men were mesmerized, watching Tifa taunt the men with her shirt.

"Oh yes, really hot out here. . . ," said Tifa. "I can feel the sweat just falling way down. . .here. . ." She took a finger to her chin and traced it down, past her collarbone, making a snag at her midriff, and tugging it down about two inches, to where the men saw her black lace bra. Swaggering over to one of the men, she fell on him. "I can't take this unbearable heat!"

"Eheheheh. . .This is like one of those porno films I saw. . .", said Cloud. "Except it was another female flight attendant, not some guy luggage carrier. . ."

"EW!" said Rachel. "OKAY, JUST MOVE IT!" She shoved him and the rest of the guys past the men, everyone stumbling forward. Tifa was still waiting for the signal to stop acting and move.

"ICKY, ICKY, ICKY. . . ," thought Tifa, still on the man, her face over his shoulder.

"I uh, buuuh. . ." The man was speaking gibberish. "Um, madam, shouldn't you-

"OH, BUT A GREAT STRONG MAN LIKE YOU WILL TAKE CARE OF ME, RIGHT?!" She held him tighter, just so to have him feel her goods up against him, then he was a bright red and just stopped talking, though you could notice a little drool coming past his dumb, open mouthed smile.

"Tifa! TIFAAAAAA!" Rachel whispered over to her, waving her hand over to her. "WE'RE GOOD!" Tifa nodded.

"Okay, thank you for your time!", Tifa said quickly, letting the man go, and running off. "Bye, bye!"

". . . .Wha?", asked the man, approximately one minute after she left. The other guy shrugged.

"That was. . . ," said the other guy.

"That was hot. . . ," completed the one Tifa was all over.

"EW! EW! SOAP!" Tifa exclaimed, looking disgusted as she entered the flight terminal.

"Thank you for your services, Tifa," said Rachel.

"YOU!" shouted Tifa. "GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE!"

"MEEP!" Rachel shrieked.

"I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU TALKED ME INTO THAT, BUT YOU'RE PAYING ME BACK. . .WITH YOUR LIFE!"  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Tifa went chasing Rachel through the terminal. Cloud heaved a sigh.

"Damn. . .That WAS kinda hot. . .", he said. "Hey, where's. . .LAURA?!"

"Oog. . ." Laura was still in the cargo bay, covered with suitcases.

"Hey, whose are these?", asked a man's voice.

"Don't bother with those. . .", said another. "They said they separated them with the ones that would be leaving on this flight. . ."

"Huh? What does that mean?"

"These damn airlines are trying to save money by trying to save time. See these slips on them? They have numbers to tell you which ones to take off the plane and which ones to leave. You leave all these ones. . .Oh, wait, no, we need this one." One piece of luggage was taken off Laura's foot, which she scooted in immediately. "Yeah, I think this is the last bit we needed. Everyone off the plane?"

"You know it. . .", said the other man's voice. "This hunk-a-junk leaves in a half hour, anyway."

"To where was it again?"

"London."

"Pheh. . ." Laura heard the footsteps, as well as the dragging of a suitcase move away from her, and after a few moments, heard the back of the cargo bay close.

"AAAGHHHH! VINCENT, YOU'RE RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS!", said Rachel, coming back over to him hurriedly with cuts and bruises.

"You didn't have to try and murder her. . . ," said Aeris.

"Yes, I DID," said Tifa.

"Why am I responsible?! She's your best friend!"

"And you know what? You're supposed to like her! YOUR FAULT!"

"STOP ARGUING AND START MOVING YOUR &$)%! KIESTERS!" yelled Cid, walking fast with the rest of them. "Where's the damn terminal?!"

"Right here," said Kiro.

"We just gotta get on, right?" asked B.T.

"Yep," said Reno. "The thing right there says we have twenty minutes." He pointed to the arrival/departures sign, which everyone was walking past.

"All right, no problem. . . ," said Tifa. She was about to board, when someone stopped her.

"Excuse me, you can't board now," said the man, guarding it.

"Um, I left something on the plane," said Tifa.

"Then can I see your ticket?"

"Uh. . .I left that on the plane, too."

"We'll have it searched for you, then. Please sit down." Tifa eyed everyone else for an answer. Rachel stepped forward, and whispered something in the guy's ear. His eyebrows raised, and Rachel stood back a little bit. He looked at her, and she nodded. He turned pink.

"Um. . .Excuse me. . . ," he said, walking a little bit away and turning around. Rachel grabbed Tifa's arm and dragged her through the gate.

"What did you tell him?!" asked Tifa, running with her.

"His fly was down!" replied Rachel. "Come on-AAAHHHH!" There was no plane to board, and they could see it was already taxiing to take off. "OH MY GOD! ARE WE STRANDED IN SAN JOSE WITH NO MONEY, SHELTER, OR LAURA?!" Tifa pinched her eyebrows together for a moment in thought, and grabbed Rachel's shirt collar to string her along behind her when she got an idea. "GAAAAHK!"

"COME ON! I GOT AN IDEA!"

"Ahem, sorry about that. . . ," said the guard. "Now, AHHHHH!" He was knocked over by Tifa who shove him from behind.

"THE PLANE'S ALREADY LEAVING! WHAT TERMINAL IS THIS?!"

"This is for plane 835," said Cid. "This is it, isn't it?"

"WE WANTED 825!" said Tifa, then she sighed. "Okay, Yuffie, I'll need you for this idea."

"Nyeeessssss. . .?" she asked, stepping over to her. "What is it?"

"Give me that red materia you have there. . ."

"WHOOOOOOOOOO! THIS IS THE BEST, EVER!" Wanna take a guess? Well, have you ever wanted to ride a summon before? "But don't you think Bahamut doesn't like being ridden like a horse? A giant, scaly, scary but cool horse?" asked Rachel.

"Ignore it. . .It likes me, at least. . ,." said Tifa, riding on top of Bahamut's head, hundreds of feet in the air, chasing after the plane. They were below the clouds at least, trying to keep track of the miniature plane in the distance.

"Are we just gonna follow it there?" asked Rachel.

"So it seems. . . ," said Tifa.

"I'M GETTING SICK. . . ," said Chikara, looking down. "I DON'T LIKE HEIGHTS. . ."

"Wha?" Rachel looked down and paled out. "OH MY GOD. . ."

"I should've warned you. . . ," Tifa sighed. "If you're acrophobic, don't look down, all right?"

"I THINK I'M GONNA PUKE. . ."

"Dear Lord. . ."

* * *

AN3: Yay. That was quick.

Cloud: That's because it's a short chapter.

AN3: Yep! And now I can write the next chapter! ::random stagehand hands her a paper:: Oh. Oh yeah.

Keily: What's that?

AN3: It's a paper with all the stories I write and how long it's been since I've updated them. I think the longest one is about. . .three to four months.

Everyone: ::stares::

AN3: This gets the most reviews, so I gotta continue with this. . .It has a cult, AND a snack bar!

Everyone: ::munching at the Tifa::

Tifa: ::growls:: Can we name is something else now?

AN3: Can we think up a prettier name than Tifa? Hm. . .Well, maybe we should stick it with a cool name. But I don't wanna call it the Cloud. Or the Sephiroth.

Vincent: Why not Vincent?

AN3: That's a sexy name.

Vincent: ::laughing nervously::

AN3: Come on! I think the name "Vincent" is pretty sexy! It's just that I keep thinking of the FF7 Vincent when I hear the name, and I think Vincent is sexy, in that dark, gothic way. . . Nice taste, Laura.

Laura: Heheheheheh. . .::blushes::

AN3: Hey, if Steve won't go to Otakon as Cloud, why not Vincent?

Steve: You want to go as Tifa or something, right?

AN3: ::nods::

Steve: Well, then that would make it more of a Vin/Tif, right?

AN3: That's true. . .And I've been in a bit of a Cloti fix, lately. . .I looked up the astrological compatibility of a Leo and Taurus, and it says they make a really great pair because they fit each other's needs very well.

Tifa: So? What does that have to do with anything. . .? Oh wait. I'm a Taurus, aren't I?

AN3: Yep. Tifa the Taurus! And Cloud's a Leo! Which means. . .::evil laughter::

Tifa: Oh God. . .

Cloud: ::wide, wide grin.::

AN3: I need the check the compatibility now between a Leo and an Aquarius.

Aeris: Wait. . .I'm an Aquarius. Oh. ::blushes like Laura::

AN3: But I know for a fact that the astrological levels between a Leo and an Aquarius are polar opposites. . .Which explains a lot. But. . .I'll give you that update later.

Tifa: Is this the only part of the fic that gives you little facts? In the ending notes?!

AN3: YOU KNOW IT! I mean, I give you the mythology and astrology of FF7! What could be more fun?!

Tifa: Finally killing you?

AN3: DO NOT DEFY MY WHIMS! I CONTROL YOUR FATE!

Tifa: ::grumbles:: She is authoress. She does have a point. So. . .Did you check your astrological compatibility?

AN3: Only for a Libra and a Libra. I'm yet to compare with others.

Tifa: Why a Libra with a Libra?

AN3: Because I'm a Libra and Steve's a Libra. Duh.

Steve: BALANCING SCALES ROCK!

Vincent: Uh. . .yes?

AN3: ::happy:: Vincent's a Libra, too! Yuffie's a Scorpio, so I'll also get a compatibility check between a Leo and a Scorpio.

All who like CloYus: ::toothy smiles::

Tifa: So what was your compatibility with Steve?

AN3: ::looks away:: Well. . .

Mike: I'm giving the relationship a week.

Tifa: A day.

Christina: 2 hours.

AN3: HEY! WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER LONGER THAN ALL YOUR ESTIMATIONS, ALL RIGHT?! . . .Except I can't remember how long it's been. ::gets confused:: I think it started on a Monday. . .

Tifa: You still haven't told us your compatibility.

AN3: ::sighs:: . . .It says. . .

Everyone: ::leans in::

AN3: . . .That two Libras together make a great and solid pair.

Everyone: ::STARES:: Does that mean you'll stop having nervous breakdowns about being sad and lonely and single?

AN3: . . .I guess.

Christina: Damn. Those were funny.

AN3: Were you the one throwing popcorn at me as I was lying in a fetal position, sobbing and sucking my thumb?!

Christina: ::looks away innocently:: . . .Maybe.

AN3: ::sighs:: Yeah. Whatever. I'm gonna go type the next chapter now. Bye.

Keily: Before we go, and we make bets on who dumps who?

Tifa: No, because everyone will bet that Steve will dump Rachel, and we'll need someone to bet on Rachel.

Reno: ::pushes money forward:: I always bet for the underdog.

Tifa: I'M TAKING BETS!

Everyone: ::placing bets::

AN3: STOP THAT! You people must really hate me. . .Okay, now I'm going. WE ARE ALL GOING! BYE!


	3. Chapter 3: Tea, Anyone?

Chapter 3: Tea, Anyone?

Note: The normal disclaimer applies. FF7 isn't mine, and neither is Laura.

* * *

"Where was the flight headed to, anyway?" asked Rachel, moving up on Bahamut next to Tifa.

"Don't get so close, child. I might push you off for what you made me do, earlier. . . ," she warned. "But. . .the flight board said we're going to London. . ."Holly perked up.

"London? YES! FINALLY! A PLACE WHERE PEOPLE DON'T MOCK MY ACCENT!" she shouted.

"Holly, calm down. . . ," warned Jessie. "You're gonna fall off the dragon. . ."

"And I LIKE British accents. . .", said Rachel. "Can't make one though. It's horrible."

"Why are we just following the plane, huh?" asked Cloud. "Can't we-

"People would scream if they saw a giant dragon pull up to the side of a plane, and strange people boarded, Cloud." Tifa said, cutting in. "NO."

"Ugh. You're no fun. . . ," he said.

"By the way Holly, what part of England ARE you from?", asked Keily.

"Hmph! As if I'm giving away my address. . .", she said. "But I know some nice spots to go to. . ."

"I wanna go to the Thames. . .", said Rachel. "It's supposed to be nice. . .And I wanna make fun of those soldiers outside the palace gates! And uh. . .that Ferris wheel thing. . ."

"What? The London Eye?" guessed Andariel.

"Oh yeah, you're English, too. . . ," Rachel remembered. "Why is it called Britain and England? Can't you just pick one?"

"Uh. . .", went Jessie. "Um. . .Why CAN'T we just pick one?" Holly shrugged.

"But. . .What are we gonna do when we get there?" asked Yuffie. "I mean, we should do something fun, right?"

"We're not sight-seeing. . . ," said Tifa. "We're getting Laura, and we're taking her back home. . ."

"Awww. . . ," said Rachel. "Madam Grumpy-skirt is being mean. . ."

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!"

"NOTHING!"

"What are we even arguing about?" asked Aeris, sitting by Bahamut's right wing, and petting its side. "We didn't want Laura to go, right?"

"But we have a responsibility, because she is wanted back home. . . ," Tifa protested.

"But. . . ," said Rachel. ". . .She's wanted here too, right?" Tifa was quiet for a moment, before speaking.

"Of course she is," Tifa said. "But she has a family elsewhere that must want to see her. I don't know how far this crazy trip will take us in this weird world you call home, but we have to see it through that she gets home, all right?" Rachel sighed, and Tifa took it as an agreement.

"Hmmm. . . ," went Holly. "A bit of bad news. . ."

"What? WE'RE GONNA DIE IN A BALL OF FLAMES, RIGHT?!", shouted Chikara, still panicking about the height they were up in.

"No. . .", she said. "I just remembered that London is the most expensive place to get a hotel. . .Anyone got a euro? A pound, maybe? Possibly even a shilling?"

"A shilling is not about to save our asses. . . ," said Jessie.

"Uh. . ." Everyone went nervous. "Do we even have any money?! asked Red.

"Erm. . .Well. . .We could all get jobs. . . ," Aeris suggested.

"HAH! YEAH, RIGHT!", shouted Yuffie, reclined around Bahamut's tail. "As if I'm gonna work for a living. . ."

"I should've expected that. . .", Tifa sighed, slumping her head. Her head twisted around to look at Cloud. "You. Got any money?"

"Hmmm. . ." He checked his pockets, and out scattered some coins and dollar bills. "I got. . .7,000 gil, but that's all."

"Um, Cloud?", said Sky. "In this world, we don't use gil."

". . .Wha?", said Cloud, in disbelief. "FIRST NO CHOCOBOS, AND NOW THERE'S NO GIL! WHAT KINDA WHACKED OUT FREAKY WORLD DO YOU LIVE IN?!"  
"One where aliens can't be a bishonen's mother, where our hair does not defy gravity, where we have more than ten towns, more 'airships', no monsters, no evil electric companies with armies, no MAKO, more terrorist groups, less sense, aaaaaannnnnd. . ." Rachel, the one who was explaining all the differences, looked at both Aeris and Tifa. "Well, no Cetra, and more people hit on people like Tifa. I mean, in the game, NOBODY even hit on her. Is that for real or what?!"

"Am I always some source of strange subject matter?" Tifa asked, turning to her right to look at Rachel. "Is there something about me that just sparks weird conversations?"

"We talk about anyone who comes with above standard equipment, Tifa," said Rachel. "OUCH!" Tifa punched her in the arm, and went back to trying to steer Bahamut.

". . . .Tifa, why is Bahamut flying even lower?", asked Keily, looking at the distance between the ground and the dragon.

"Um. . ." Tifa had a nervous smile. "Because, uh. . .I mean, the shorter the fall, the less broken bones, right?"

"WHADDYA MEAN, 'FALL', HUH?!", shouted Rachel. "IF YOU WANNA KILL ME, YOU SHOULD'VE JUST PUSHED ME OFF!. . .Never mind that thought. I want to bring people down in flames with me."

"That's not the point. . .",Tifa said, making a steady descent. "You see, a summon lasts for only so long, and I'm running out of magic. . ."

"OH, WELL HOW WONDERFUL! ANYONE GOT A TURBO ETHER?!", asked Rachel.

"Um. . .Hey, I do!", said Cloud, pulling out one.

"And I could've just restored your magic. . . ," said Aeris.

"Or given you a hp - mp materia.", said Yuffie, pulling out a purple orb.

"QUICK!", said Tifa, holding out her hand. "HAND ME OOOOOOOONNNNNNE!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Bahamut had disappeared, and they all fell tumbling to the ground, from hundreds of feet in the air.

"I NEVER THOUGHT I'D DIE THIS WAAAAAAAAAAY!" cried Rachel. "I ALWAYS THOUGHT I'D DIE GETTING HIT BY A TRUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF A FREEWAY AS I PICKED UP A PENNY!"

"AND I WANNA DIE IN RUFFY'S ARMS!" shouted Keily.

"Is it just me, or do I detect a strong breeze?" asked Konoshi, falling headfirst.

"IT'S NEITHER! WE'RE GONNA DIE-?!" Sky was cut off, when she hit something hard, and it got really, REALLY, HOT.

"What the. . .?" Rachel sat up after taking a hit onto the warm surface of something. "Is this. . .Phoenix?!"

"You ninnies. . .", said Condrugon, sitting cross-legged on the center of the bird's back. "There's more than one flying summon, you realize. . ."

"GAH! I LOVE YOU!" shouted Sky, giving him a hug. "THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHAAAAAANKYOOOOOUUUUUU!"

"HEY, STOP THE HUGGING!" he shouted, pushing her off.

"Ow. Thanks," said Rachel, rubbing her head.

". . .I don't think even Rachel's thick head could've saved her from that fall. . . ," said Christina, getting up.

"And I don't think your HARD head would've saved you either. . . ," Rachel replied.

"Okay, no time for arguing. . .", said Aeris. "Um. . .Why are we descending now? Don't tell me we're gonna-

"No. Not for a few minutes, Condrugon said, landing Phoenix. Phoenix had set its talons firmly on the ground, and everyone began to hop off, until Condrugon was the last one, and he too jumped off, scratched Phoenix on the head, and Phoenix disappeared.

". . .Where are we? I'm damn sure this isn't. . .Hello. . ." Apparently, where they had landed was a grassy field, and it wasn't exactly the most reclusive spot to land. . .

"Gah, gyah, gah, gah. . ." This girl, standing by the edge of a road. ". . ."

"Oh dear. We've traumatized her. . . ," said Aeris, looking nervously over to the girl.

"Don't worry about it. . .", said Cloud. "As long as she's frozen there, we can just summon something else, and fly off, right?" Rachel stepped forward instead up to the girl, and peered at her.

". . .Could you tell us where we are?", asked Rachel.

"Gah. . .Ireland.", said the girl, staring. "Northern Ireland. . ."

". . .Okaaaaay. . . .", said Rachel. "Now. . .Are you okay?"

"Big. . .Fiery. . .Bird. . .BIG. . . ," she said. "And. . .FF7?"

"Damn popular game. . . ," Rachel grumbled. "Um. . .Hey, what are you doing?"

"POKE!"

"AAAAH!" The girl was poking Aeris on the arm. "WHY DO THEY ALWAYS PICK ME TO POKE?!"  
"I think it's because you're supposed to be dead. . . ," said Tifa.

"Holy crap. . . ," said the girl, looking at Tifa. "THOSE REALLY ARE REAL!"

"Okay, enough ogling!" said Tifa, stepping backwards, trying to increase the distance between her and the girl.

"Um. . .Tifa? Here." Cloud threw her the Turbo Ether, and she swallowed it quickly, and took the red materia and inserted it back into her glove. After doing so, she lifted her hand, and there was a quick dimming of the sky except for the spot Tifa stood in, and after the dim, Bahamut reappeared in a flash.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAH. . . ," the girl's mouth dropped. "B-B-BAHAMUT. . ."

"Er. . .Let's just go. . . ," said Tifa, seeing as the girl wasn't doing much, and that nobody would believe her anyway.

"Riiiiiight. . . ," said Andariel, hopping on.

". . .Are we there yet?" said Konoshi.

"SHUT UP!" they all said.

"Hey!", said Kiro. "You finally didn't mean ME! Ya-

"SHUT UP, KIRO. . . ," they said together again. Bahamut began flapping its wings, stirring up a lot of wind on the ground, causing the girl to try and latch onto something. . .That something being Bahamut's tail. Bahamut took to the skies, and then tried tracking down the plane again.

"Well, that was weird," said Yuffie. "Glad to be gone and. . .WHAT THE-?!"

"HEEEEEEELLLLLLP!" The girl was stuck on the back of Bahamut's tail.

"Oh Jesus. . . ," said Vincent, moving to the tail. He reached out his hand to her as he made his way up the tail. She hung on, reaching out to him against the pounding wind, stretching until she finally took hold of his metal claw, and he hauled her up, and guided her to Bahamut's back. She sat down abruptly, breathing hard, a little traumatized from what just happened.

"I. . .it. . .WHA?!" the girl finally said. "Wh-who are you people?! WHAT ARE YOU PEOPLE?! WHERE AM I?!"

"We're AVALANCHE, we're humans, and you're riding on the dragon, Bahamut. Sit down and shut the ($ up," Cid grumbled, crossing his arms.

"CID!" said Tifa, wanting him to be just a little more hospitable. "Don't frighten the girl even more than she is lost. . ."

"Well, she brought it on herself. . . ," he argued. "Let's drop her back off, okay?!"

"Can't do that!" Tifa said. "If we do, we'll never catch up with the plane."

"Why can't we just push her off? She looks hard-headed," Konoshi suggested.

"Sorry, right now I'm busy contesting who's dumber. You, or Rachel," Tifa said, irritably. "We have to reach the plane. We'll drop her off later."

"Hey," said Christina, trying to communicate with the girl. "What's your name? If you're riding with us, we might as well have some idea to who you are."

"I, uh, huh?" said the girl. "I. . .the. . .BAHAMUT. . ." She was still a little spaced out.

"We're getting nowhere. . . ," Christina sighed. "Let me start off than, okay? I'm Christina. That dummy over there is Rachel." Rachel scowled, made a proud face, and twisted her head sharply away. "Hmm. Ignore her. So, what's your name?"

". . .Alannah," the girl said. "The name's Alannah. Uh. . . ,"

"What?" asked Christina.

". . . .WHY AM I RIDING A DRAGON?!" Alannah finally shouted. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?! I'M BEING KIDNAPPED! AHHHHHHHH!"

"Shut up or we'll throw you off," said Nyow, getting annoyed. "We'll take you back home as soon as-

"AS SOON AS YOU GET MY RANSOM, RIGHT?!" she continued to yell. "I WANNA GO HOME! AHHH! SOMEONE HELP. . .Myuh?" She looked over to Vincent, Cloud, Reno, and Rufus. ". . .Nevermind. I'll stay."

". . .What?" asked Rachel. "She decides to stay all of a sudden? What-HEY!" Alannah scooted herself over to the guys.

"Hihi," she said. "Call me 'Lenny'. Soooo. . .HOW YA' DOIN'?!" She sat between Cloud and Vincent and put her arms around them.

"Uh. . . ," said Cloud. ". . .I have a girlfriend."

"And so do I. . . ," Vincent chimed in.

"So, you're Reno, right? As long as I'm having delusions, I can call you whatever I want, and you look like Reno. You don't have a girlfriend, do you?" Alannah asked. "I mean, come on! You're Reno! You don't have girlfriends!"

"No, but he has an ex," said B.T.

"And two very angry girls who want to kill him and kiss him at the same time," Selena grumbled.

"I still have my guns," said Andariel.

"Eeeeep. . . ," went Alannah, cowering at the prospect of dying with a bullet beside her heart. "Um. . .How about-

"NO," said Rufus, not even looking at her.

"THAT'S RIGHT!" shouted Keily. "SISTER LOVES HIM THE MOST! SQUEE!" Keily jumped over, glomping Rufus with a loud thud. Quietly, he sobbed under the weight. "HUGGLES!"

"PLEASE, LET ME GO. . . ," he whined.

"BROTHER!"

"Dear Lord. . ."

"Ignore them, okay?" said Tifa, looking over he shoulder at Lenny. "They're just stupid. By the way, you're not having a delusion."

"Oh," Alannah said. "So, I'm drunk? Or am I high? I KNEW THOSE WERE 'SPECIAL' BROWNIES!"

"Neither," Tifa said. "We're real. Come on, you poked Aeris and she was real, right?"

"I don't know whether you're trying to insist we're real, or point out that I should be dead right now," Aeris sighed.

". . .I think she's trying for both," Rachel whispered over to her.

"I can hear you, dummy."

"D'OH!"

"Meep. . ." Laura was still buried underneath all the luggage. She sat there the entire time, under the pile of suitcases and bags, wondering when the plane would land. It was near stifling hot underneath the weight of the bags, but she didn't risk moving, lest she were to be found, and having been here so long, she expected the plane to land very soon. It was too dark to look at her watch, leaving her to estimate the time elapsed until she'd either be free, or suffocate.

The plane shifted. She could feel it move to the left, and hoped that the plane was zeroing in to land on the London airstrip. Why in God's name did she have to wind up on some international escapade? It was their entire fault, wasn't it? She couldn't blame them for not wanting her to leave, but she could blame them for putting her in this tight spot. And she felt it certain that she could also kick their sorry asses.

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there-

"RACHEL, SHUT THE FREAK UP!" Tifa bellowed, leading Bahamut trailing behind the plane.

"I'm just wondering-

"WHEN WE GET THERE IS WHEN WE GET THERE! HAVE WE LANDED?! HUH?! HUH?!" Tifa shouted.

"Tifa, your blood pressure. . . ," Aeris sighed, still petting Bahamut's side, leaning on one hand.

"What do you mean? I don't have high blood pressure," said Tifa, also still sitting on the head of the winged dragon.

"At this rate, you will," said Cloud, sitting next to Alannah, who was just trying to play cards with the rest.

"Oh, what do you know?" asked Tifa, cranky as ever. "It doesn't matter. I can see the plane diving to land." She slowed Bahamut down, having it circle above the large airport, trying to hide it in the clouds. It would be a very bad thing if people below were to think that the true British lore of dragons were really more than something of tales and myth.

"Kinda funny how we're in England an on a dragon, huh?" asked Rachel. "I mean, this is where all those stories originated, right?"

"I don't think so," said Andariel. "What about China? They have dragons, and their society is older than that of the time of the Middle Ages, where the idea of dragons had been constructed."

"Why did your IQ levels just skyrocket? Shut up, we're making a dive!" shouted Tifa, motioning her hand to help lead Bahamut through its descent. Everyone tried to hold onto their spot as well as they could, without trying to harm the lizard (for that could kill them), and braced for the spiraled lunge.

"EYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Rachel screamed, holding on. ". . .THIS IS FUN!"

"THIS IS FUN?!" asked Sky. "WHY DON'T WE PUSH YOU OFF AND SEE IF THAT'S FUN, HUH?!"

"NO, WHEN WE WERE FALLING, THE FEELING OF CERTAIN DOOM SORT OF ROBBED ME OF THE EXPERIENCE!" Rachel replied.

"AHHHHH! MY DELUSION IS GOING TO KILL ME!" Alannah screamed.

"IF YOU DON'T STOP SHOUTING, I'M SURE I WILL!" Surka yelled.

"Dragons are fun," said Mars.

"WILL HE EVER WAKE UP?!" asked Mike.

"No. No he won't," said Steve. "He's just as persistent as Kiro."

"LET ME GO!" Rachel was trying to shake Kiro off her leg, for that is the object she chose to cling onto, of course.

"AW, BUT RACHEL, YOU CERTAINLY WOULDN'T WANT ME TO D-

"YES, I WOULD!" Rachel butted in. "I MORE THAN LIKELY WOULD!"

"BRACE YOURSELVES!" Tifa warned. Bahamut was ending its circled drop, with the ground not being too far away to come out with only a few broken ribs. "WE'RE GONNA HIT GROUND!"

"Because someone is going to shove us off?" asked Rachel.

"I'LL SHOVE YOU OFF!" said an annoyed Tifa. "HOLD ON!" After a few brief moments, everybody was jolted forward a bit, as Bahamut set its talons into the ground, and bent forward to let everyone off. Shaken (but not stirred. Um, sorry.), they uneasily slid off its sides to the ground.

"FLINTSTONES! MEET THE FLINTSTONES!" Rachel was singing the theme song while she slid off the tail like Fred does in the opening.

"Tell me she's not a fully evolved human," said Tifa.

"Sorry, she stands upright like one, so I'd have to say she's evolved enough," said Cloud. "But don't worry. We love her just as she is, right?"

"No," sighed Tifa. "We love her stupid, not just the way she is."

"She is stupid."

"Not all the time. . . ," said Tifa, rolling her eyes, her hands on her hips, watching everyone get off the summon. "She can be another person the next moment."

"OW!" Mia stood off the ground after Kiro punched Nyow in the head just for laughs. "I'M GONNA KILL YOU, SO LIKE, YEAH!"

"HAHA!" Kiro went off running from Mia, who was right behind her.

". . .Just not like that, right?" asked Tifa, wondering about how Mia and Nyow can actually change like that.

"No. Thank the Lord. That would be twice the Rachel we don't need," replied Cloud. "But she means well. We'll put up with her for that."

"T. . .Tifa. . . ," said Rachel, running up to her and panting.

"DID YOU LIGHT BAHAMUT ON FIRE OR SOMETHING?!" asked Tifa, wondering what dunderheaded stunt Rachel pulled now.

"N. . .no. . . ," said Rachel, getting her wind back. "I saw Laura's plane land, so we should all get into the terminal and get her."

"Oh," said Tifa, not expecting something rational from her. "Right."

"Okay, so I'm in a foreign country and I hardly have any money, and my cell phone, of course, ISN'T WORKING! DAMMIT!" Laura was wandering about in the terminal, brushing past people and places she wasn't familiar with in the least. Tugging her jacket closer to her, she filed through her items, which had miraculously stayed put while they left abandoned, during her unpleasant holiday in the back. A few anonymous people were looking over at her, wondering about what she was so flustered about, muttering to each other their ideas. She sighed and rolled her eyes, continuing through, trying to grasp staying in another country, all by herself.

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, deedly dee dee, there they are a-standing in a row. . .COME ON TIFA, SING WITH ME!" Rachel was encouraging Tifa to put on a smile for once and not have a stroke at the age of 21.

"It's a stupid song, and I refuse to sing with you," said Tifa, hurrying through the terminal. "And we'll never find Laura just by wandering about."

"That's why we split up," said Rachel. "I'm the one that was picked to go along with you."

"OH GREAT, WONDERFUL. . . ," said Tifa, gritting her teeth, trying to ignore the miscellaneous array of odd looks shot at her. ". . .Why are they staring? Oh wait, let me guess. Videogame?"

"That, or they really like your miniskirt," said Rachel. Tifa grumbled. "Come on! Be happy! Sing with me! I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts. . . ," Tifa sighed, and caved.

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, deedly dee dee. . . ," Tifa began singing. "There they are a standing in a row. . ."

"BUMP, BUMP, BUMP. . . ," Rachel was providing the barber shop quartet effect of a baritone.

"Big ones, small ones, ones as big as your head!" sang Tifa.

"SO YOU ADMIT IT!" said Rachel.

"Admit what?"

"'Lovely bunch of coconuts'? 'Ones as big as your head'? I'LL TAKE THAT AS YOUR CONFESSION!" Rachel said. "YOU HAVE COME TO THE FACT THAT. . .YOU KNOW! You just have a lot of. . .femininity?"

"What?!" asked Tifa. "You mean. . .HEY! I'M GONNA KILL-

"LAURA!" shouted Rachel.  
"No, you!" said Tifa.

"No, LAURA!" Rachel was pointing behind Tifa, to the head of a confused Laura, still sorting through some items, and tugging at whatever luggage of hers that was thrown back on the plane after not getting picked up.

"WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?!" asked Tifa. Rachel sighed. "LET'S GO!" Tifa tugged Rachel along towards Laura, knocking people out of the way.

"Isn't this what I'm supposed to do to you?" asked Rachel, wondering about the sudden change of positions.

"WHATEVER!" said Tifa. "DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU!"

"See? THAT'S the Tifa we know and love! . . .Waaaaait. . .No it's not! What did you do to 'loveable Tifa'?!" asked Rachel.

"Shut up. . . ," sighed Tifa. "LAURA!"

Upon hearing her name from quite a distance, she had a feeling that it was probably someone calling another by the same name. But by detecting the voice was almost uncomfortably familiar by the way it was shouted, she had this pit-falling feeling in her stomach, like she was about to be punished; she didn't know why. She turned around to see who it was.

It was Tifa, which explained the dead sort of feeling in her stomach, remembering those early times when. . .Tifa was the type of caretaker for her and Rachel. Which really meant she was head of punishment. Despite all this, she was happy to see her, knowing she wasn't left alone in a foreign land.

She was left in a foreign land with someone with no clue what the world looks like, nor has ever heard of a place called "Britain".

"TIFA!" She called over to the woman struggling through the crowds past people and onlookers, dragging what seemed to be someone quite familiar. . .

"Jesus child. . .We were worried. . . ," said Tifa, after running up to Laura, and taking hold of her shoulder. "Oh. And I brought Rachel."

"Wow. Now I know what it's like to be trampled," said Rachel, looking a little disoriented.

"Good. It's a little more experience for you," said Tifa. "Laura, are you all right? Anything broken?"

"Oh, nothing but my spirit. . . ," Laura sighed. She leaned over and gave Tifa a quick hug, and returned back, and looked around. "Do you know any way out of this place?"

"I sure as hell do." They turned around and saw Christina looking back at them, appearing to be bored.

"Do you have to be smug and so self-assured in everything you do?" asked Rachel.

"I am self-assured, and I wouldn't call it smug. It's called being decisive, which is something you are not. Are you going to follow me out or not?" she asked. "Dad is waiting over on the side of the terminal, at the exit."

"Dad? Oh right, Cloud. . . ," muttered Tifa. "I guess I'm still a little unused to that. I always thought if Cloud had a child, they'd be a little brain-dead, just like him."

"What if they were your kid, too?" asked Rachel.

"Then they'd be a genius like their mother," said Tifa. "And completely physically fit, too. Come on, we don't have any time to waste!" She took some of Laura's items, and charged on behind Christina, while Rachel and Laura were left to trail close behind.

"What is this, a marathon?!" asked Rachel.

"Just keep moving!" said Laura, a little in front of her. "I hope I have enough money to get us out of here. . ."

"There you are!" Cloud was waiting at the exit, with a group of the others who had returned from scouring their designated areas.

"NOPE! DIDN'T FIND-THERE THEY ARE! I'M BRILLIANT!" Yuffie hopped out of nowhere from searching, only to turn around and see that Tifa, Rachel, Laura, and Christina were approaching.

"Yeah. Real brilliant, Yuff," said Cloud, sarcastically. "I must be totally blind."

"NO DUH, BLONDIE!" Yuffie exclaimed. "You're just lucky to have me tagging along."

"Enough, Yuffie," Tifa sighed, walking up with the group.

"Yeah, you just take me for granted, Boobs. You'd miss me if-

"If we could ever get rid of you?" asked Tifa. "Speaking of missing items, Yuffie. . ."

"FINE!" Yuffie handed over a fistful of materia. "I never thought you'd notice. . ."

"Like in proving a previous point, we're not blind," said Cloud. "Laura, you okay?"

"Is it 'Take Care of Laura' day? Yeah, I'm okay," said Laura. "How did you guys get here?"

"We got here by dragon," said Tifa. "I suppose summoning Bahamut a lot on our little trip afforded me time to get to know it. Lucky, I suppose."

"Hey, who's she?" Alannah walked up to Laura. "She's not from FF7."

"Neither is more than half the group here," said Cloud. "Her name's Laura. Laura, this is Alannah. We got her at a, er. . . 'stop off', in Ireland. . . .Hey Rachel. By the way, what's 'Ireland'?"

"If you think we prance about doing Irish jigs and spouting 'top 'o the marnin' to ye!' kind of crap, you can forget about it," said Alannah with a bit of a glare.

"Oh my, how friendly the Irish are. . . ," thought Laura, trying to smile through slight hostility.

". . .But you seem nice enough," Alannah concluded. "Nice to meet you. Call me Lenny. I don't know how they gave me that name, but. . . Still, nice to meet you."

"You, too," said Laura, giving her a smile.

"Hey, uh. . .they wouldn't tell me but. . .I'm sure you'll tell me, right?" whispered Alannah, while the rest were in some sort of idle chatter.

"What?" asked Laura.

"Who's his girlfriend?" She pointed at Vincent, who was being glomped by Sky, hanging off his back.

"Er. . .that would be me," said Laura. Alannah's eyes widened, and she squinted her eyes at Laura, inspecting her face. She zoomed back out, and made her conclusion.

"No. Nah. Not good enough," said Alannah. "You have a pretty face, but. . .You're so. . .so. . ."

"What?" Laura asked.

"Short," Alannah said abruptly. "You're very short." Laura grumbled, being reminded of her stature, and sighed.

"GET OFF OF ME!" shouted Vincent, waving his arms to try and get Sky to fall off.

"COME ON, VINNIE!" she exclaimed, taking a piggy back ride on him. "I'M BLOND! I'M TALLER THAN LAURA! RIDE AWAY WITH MEEEEEEE!"  
"AHEM." Sky found Laura right beside her, giving her the all-purpose, "ignore me and die", fully patented "Tifa glare". Sky gave a sheepish smile, and hopped off.

"Sorry. . . ," said Sky, waving, then running off.

"Temperamental, I see," said Vincent, looking down at Laura. "Did they already explain how-

"I'm jealous," said Laura.

"What?!" said Vincent, turning red. "THERE'S NOTHING BETWEEN SKY AND ME! I SWEAR! SHE JUST HOPPED ON AND I-

"I meant that I always wanted to ride Bahamut. . . ," said Laura, with a cocked eyebrow. "Vincent, is there something you must tell me?"

"NO!" shouted Vincent. "I just thought-

"Yeah, I know. But it's funny seeing you get all flustered," said Laura with a childish grin. "I know what you mean."

"Ah, happy family reunions. . . ," Cid sighed. ". . .I hate them. Can we go now?"

"I don't see why not," said Tifa. "And I hate these people. . .What are they looking at?!" All the passers-by were either staring, glancing as they walked past, or snickering. "Is it my clothes? Is there something in my teeth? Wait. Wait. I know this answer. I hate that videogame."

"AND I LOVE IT!" shouted Rachel. "And they do, too. That's why they stare, now get used to it. At least you're not in Japan."

"Japan? You never explained to me what that was," said Tifa. "Is it a disease? A mental condition?"

"I think that sounds pretty good to eat. . . ," said Yuffie. They turned in her direction. "Eheh. I'm sorry. Hungry."

"Japan is a country. A large island in East Asia," Rachel explained. Tifa still looked clueless. "Um. . .Asia is another region on this planet, which name is, by the way, Earth."

"Earth? Like, what you call dirt?" asked Cid. "What does that mean? This is just a giant mudball you live on?"

"You could call it that, I suppose. . . ," said Laura. "But it's really composed of 75% water. You have to see a picture of it. It's a really pretty planet."

"Hey Laura. Could I borrow ten bucks?" asked Rachel.

"Ten bucks?" Cloud whispered to Tifa. "Why does she want to borrow male deer?"

"She's a strange child. . . ," Tifa whispered back.

"Yeah. . . ," said Laura. "Why do you want-HEY!" Rachel grabbed the money Laura rummaged out of her pockets, and ran off.

"YEAH! RUN MY STUDENT, RUN!" shouted Yuffie. Again, they stared. ". . .WHAT?!"

"What do you think she's doing?" asked Sky.

"I think she's been around Yuffie too much. . ." Keily whispered back.

"Is she a kleptomaniac?" asked Alannah.

"Only when it comes to food. No, wait. . .THAT'S SOMEONE ELSE. . ." Keily glared at Chikara.

". . .Huh? What? THAT WAS ONLY ONCE!" said Chikara. "Bunch of paranoids. . ." They saw Rachel run into a gift shop after disappearing into the crowd, and after a few moments of observation, Rachel ran back holding a laminated scroll.

"Here!" said Rachel, unraveling it in front of Cloud and Tifa.

"Hooray? Shiny paper?" said Cloud.

"No, a world map!" said Rachel, having undone completely. Upon the paper shown a picture of the Earth taken from space, showing the deserts and jungles of the world, as well as having outlined the countries as well. Made by National Geographic, of course.

"We're here," said Laura, pointing to the island of England, and more directly, at a small black star that had the word 'London' right beside it.

"This dinky little place?" asked Cloud. "And why does it have a star? Is it that shape?" Everyone from the real world bowed their heads in exasperation and sighed.

"Cloud, are you stupid?" asked Tifa. "I'm not even from here, but I know how to read a map! It's an important city!"

"You bet it is," said Jessie, looking at everything. "And I can show you around."

"What about me? Are you forgetting me?" asked Holly.

"I'm older, so I should be able to do that," said Andariel.

"We're not sightseeing. We're going home," said Tifa. "Come on and give me a Turbo Ether so I can call Bahamut and we can go home. Wherever that is."

"Here," said Rachel, pointing to the East Coast of the United States. "It's that little outward spot right there because of the bay."

"I DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT! THAT'S NOT SOMETHING I NEEDED ANSWERING!" said Tifa. "I want to go home, all right?!"

"I don't think we can do that for a while. . ." said Lucrecia, just popping over like she normally does, in her own spacey way. "Not unless I can launch you at such a speed your skin rips off in the most horribly painful way into space, hoping the speed tears a hole into another dimension, which more than likely won't be the right one."

"Uh. . .I think I'll pass. . ." said Yuffie, hearing the description.

"But what chance do you get to be in England?" asked Rachel. "Come on Tifa, let's just look around, please?" Tifa scowled. "Pleeeaaaaaase?" Tifa didn't budge. "Awww! Cloud, do something!" Cloud looked a little edgy, until he leaned over and whispered something into Tifa's ear that made her turn red and her expression grow embarrassed.

"Okay, fine!" she said quickly, walking to the terminal exit. "One quick stop around whatever you call this place, and then we go home!" She stepped swiftly through the doors, and her head poked a little out. "Well, aren't you coming?! We don't have all day!" She went onward, while everyone exchanged a few glances. Some followed, but Rachel, Laura, and Cloud, stayed behind for a moment.

"Cloud, what did you tell her?" asked Rachel.

"What do you think?" said Cloud. "Let your imagination tell you what you think."

"If you let me do that, I'll become blind with disgust," said Rachel.

". . .You can't tell anyone. Okay?" Rachel nodded, and Cloud whispered what he told Tifa into Rachel's ear, that made Rachel become the exact shade of red Tifa went into. Cloud nodded, and walked through the doors after everyone.

". . .What did he say?" asked Laura. "Come on!"

"I. . .I can't tell you," said Rachel. "He. . .He told me not to tell, so. . .so. . .Let's go. . ." Rachel drifted off following them.

"UGH!" Laura ran off to follow them. "DID IT INVOLVE SEX?! I KNOW IT DID! I KNOW IT WAS SSEEEEEXXX!" While she ran off, whoever heard her was muttering things to the adjacent person.

"Did you see that American?" asked one woman to another. "Dreadfully uncultured, that one at least. Are they all about sex these days?"

"Well. . ." said the other woman. "This country DOES give out condoms to teenagers, if they do so need them, and they must buy theirs in America. . . So I suppose maybe we can't say as much, either." The first woman shrugged.

"Totally uncultured. . . Did you see how that one man dressed? The tall one, with the black hair? How could he let his hair grow like that?"

"Hmph," said the second woman. "I thought he was handsome, like the blond man with the tall hair."

"I liked the one with the orange hair and white suit. At least HE knew how to dress," the first one replied.

"The one with the red hair was a little scraggly in the way he dressed. . ." said the second. "Oh, pay it no mind. They are foreigners. . ."

"Yeah, foreigners who aren't deaf." Reno had been left behind while he was in the bathroom. "Scraggly, eh?" The second woman went pink with embarrassment. "Heh. Only Elena tells me that, and I'm just relieved to know she's not here with me. I'll let the comment slide lady, but I wouldn't suggest giving me fashion tips, all right? See ya'." He ran off, out to the doors. The first one sighed.

"And no manners, either. . ."

"Reno, where was your skinny pale ass, huh?" asked Cloud when Reno finally came out.

"Skinny and pale? Yeah, you really can't say the same about yourself, huh?" Reno retorted. "You only wish you attracted as many women as I do."

"If it's skinny and pale. . ." Laura looked at Vincent out of the corner of her eye, which Vincent caught.

"WHAT, YOU'VE SEEN MY BUTT?!", asked Vincent. "WELL, I'M SORRY IF I'M PALE, BUT I JUST DON'T-

"No, that was a guess," said Laura. "Wow Vincent, you've been telling me a lot of things I didn't need to know lately. What honesty. How wonderful."

"Oh, if you wanted to know if his butt was pale, you could've just asked ME. . .I've seen it loads of times!" said Lucrecia, completely bubbly. "It's one of those few things I remember at least. . .Explains why I thought Vincent was a little familiar. I remembered his ass!"

"I think a lot of people would remember that. . ." said Sky, looking at it. Laura growled, triggering Sky to back away. "I gotcha, I gotcha. . ."

"Can we stop talking about pale asses and focus?" asked Tifa.

"Why?" asked Rachel. "This is fun!" Tifa glared at her, and Rachel went quiet.

"So, where do we want to go first? It's getting late, don't you think?" said Tifa, looking at the sun in the horizon.

"I don't know what time it is. . ." said Rachel. "Our watches must be completely wrong because of the time zones. . .Man, this sucks. We don't have a lot of time! I WANTED TO MAKE FUN OF THE ROYAL GUARDS!"

"Everyone does," said Nyow. "Damn, it's getting late. . ."

"Nyow? I thought you were Mia," said Rachel.

"Kiro thought it would be fun to lead me into a pole. . ." Nyow growled. Kiro was trying her best to contain her laughter.

"We're wasting time. Shall we try and get a hotel room?" Tifa suggested. Everyone either shrugged or nodded. "I'll take that as a yes. . .Come on, let's scout out a place to stay. It couldn't be that bad."

"$250 PER NIGHT?!" Tifa walked out from a hotel with the rest, her eyes dilated with shock. "DEAR SWEET JESUS!"

"How did you know that was expensive?" asked Laura.

"Easy. I saw your expression and figured it was," said Tifa.

"You know, I just realized Tifa's a lot like Rachel in this place. . . ," said Cloud. "Makes you wonder if Rachel's stupidity and confusion was just induced by location."

"OW!" Rachel walked into a pole. "THAT HURT!"  
". . .Um. . .no, she's just genuinely slow. . . ," said Vincent.

"Meh, well I guess it makes her cuter that way. Or tolerable, whatever way you look at it," said Cloud, shrugging. "I guess her purpose serves as someone to make everyone feel smart."

"And that is always something important," Vincent replied.

"Okay. . . ," Tifa sighed, walking down the road. "Let's find another place. . ." They tread down the corner, and looked for a road sign. ". . .What is this place?"

"I think the sign says 'Northumberland Avenue'," said Jessie, peering upwards. ". . .I think that means we're around Trafalgar Square."

"Oh, how navigationally oriented we are," said Holly. "Of course we're around there."

"Anyone see any hotels?" asked Rufus. "My feet are killing me. . ."

"Wearing dress shoes instead of walking shoes, huh?" asked Reno. "How very typical."

"You're wearing dress shoes, too," Rufus said dryly. Reno's mouth twisted into a frown, then into a smirk.

"There's a hotel. . ." said Laura, pointing up to a sign. "Citadines Apart'Hotel Trafalgar Square," she read. "Wow, what a catchy name."

"It's a French-based franchise hotel. Of course it's not catchy," said Andariel.

"Is it because it's a franchise, or because it's French?" asked Rachel. Laura gave her a deprecating look. "Right. Because it's French."

"Laura, how much money do you have?", asked Tifa.

"I dunno. . ." said Laura. "About. . .two-hundred dollars, I suppose." Tifa sighed.

"Let's try it. . ."

"OH MY GOD! SHE NEEDS AIR!" Rachel and Laura began dragging Tifa's fainted body to a couch in the hotel lobby. With her boots sliding behind her, they hung off the sofa, which she lay slumped in, and quickly recuperating, she tried to sit up.

"O-okay. . . ," said Tifa. "This is fine. . .$140 is okay. We can afford that. It's not like we were staying here long in London."

"And it's surprising we could get such a discount from the normal $225," said Holly. ". . .Why didn't we get our money changed?"

"Oh, nobody cares. . .It may not be the national currency, but it's not like we're paying in yen," said Rachel. ". . .Or pesos. Whatever."

"You okay?" asked Laura, pulling Tifa out of her seat.

"I'm. . .I'm good," said Tifa, brushing herself off, and correcting her clothing.

"Hmm. Must've given you the discount 'cause the desk clerk must like pretty ladies. . . ," said Reno.

"Reno?" said Tifa. "Shove it. All of you, just hang around at the elevator, okay?"

"You got it. . . ," said Cloud, turning around. "You heard the lady. Let's move before she tears our heads off."

"You and you." Tifa was looking over at Rachel and Laura.

"PLEASE, IT WASN'T ME!" shouted Rachel. "IT'S CHRISTINA'S FAULT!"

"HEY!" Christina shouted, Cloud having to restrain her from running over and killing her.

"You're not in trouble. . . ," Tifa sighed.

"Oh. Really?!" asked Rachel. "For once! Yes! Maybe my luck is turning around! AWESOME! NOW, ALL I NEED TO DO IS-OW!" Tifa was forced to punch Rachel to shut her up. "THAT HURT!"

"Quiet down. They'll raise the rate if we keep disturbing everyone like this," Tifa said. "I want either one of you to tell me how this hotel thing works."

"What? You've never been to a hotel to stay in?" asked Laura.

"Yeah Tifa, you look like the sort of woman who's been brought to a motel more than once by a gu-OWWWWWWWW!" Tifa now hit Rachel upside the head.

"Dummy. . . ," Tifa sighed. "Just help me through it, okay?"

"Right," said Laura, nodding. They walked up to the clerk, an old man with a moustache who stood very erect, with gray hair and a lanky body. He turned towards them stiffly, and pulled out a card.

"Are you going to take the room?" he asked.

"Uh, yeah. . . ," said Tifa.

"All right, how will you be paying?" he then asked.

"In cash," said Laura, taking out some money. "$140 was it?"

"Yes, miss," he said. Laura laid the money out on the spotless marble counter and he took it, handed them the card, and then quickly glanced over all three of them.

". . .Are you in charge of these three?" asked the clerk, looking to Tifa.

"I guess you could call it that. . .Considering this one is brain-dead," said Tifa, looking at Rachel, who was staring blankly at her reflection in the marble counter. Noticing Tifa's eyes on her, Rachel was a little startled and snapped to attention with a dainty little smile like she wasn't doing anything. "Yeah. . . ," Tifa said. "I'm in charge of them."

"I hope you didn't mind the question. . . ," he said. "It's just that even though the room is a double with a fold out sofa-bed but, there are three of you, and. . .it's not very often we have. . .three girls altogether in the same room. . ." All their eyes widened and gave each other freaked out expressions, then backed away from each other. "Oh dear, now I've made you all uncomfortable. . .Short on cash I presume, yes, that's it. Well uh, your room is 782. It's on the right side of the corridor, and of course, on the seventh floor. Just slide in the card until the light is green, then you can open it. Have a good stay."

"Uh. . .Thank you. . . ," said Tifa, hoping he didn't imply anything by that last statement of his, hoping it was standard protocol.

"EW. . . ," said Rachel, looking at her arms and rubbing them of profusely. "I FEEL SO ICKY! I NEED SOAP! GET THE ICKY FEELING OFF!"

"Oh, like I feel very good myself. . . ," said Tifa, like she was about to puke.

"Moist towelette? Please, SOMETHING. . . ," said Laura, with the same expression Rachel had to the clerk's innuendo. "Even if it doesn't help, the lemon scent will make me feel better. . ."

"Um, Tifa?" asked Rachel. Tifa pressed the "up" button on the elevator, and waited for it to arrive.

"What? Have any stupid comments for us today?" asked Tifa.

"I was just wondering. . . Um, it's a double, meaning there are two beds, and he said there was a sofa-bed, that makes three. . .But there really aren't just three of use, so. . ."

"YIPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" People were jumping on the beds, flipping channels, trying to escape out to the balcony above the square, running into the bathroom, and Andariel locked herself into the closet. . .with Reno. . .

"CALM DOWN!" said Vincent, trying to bring some order. "WE CAN'T TRASH THIS PLACE!"

"HURRY UP IN THE BATHROOM! I'M DYING OUT HERE!" shouted Jessie, pounding on the door to the bathroom.

"HEY! YOU STEPPED ON ME!" said Kristi, trying to change the channel on the TV, when Chikara accidentally jumped on her.

"SORRY!" Chikara apologized, still jumping.

"Ooh, more than one bed. . . ," said Kiro, who had suddenly taken Rachel's arm. "Don't worry about it, we'll only need one. . .but if you want to make it interesting, we'll need more than just these two and the sofa. . ."

"SOMEONE, SAVE ME!" Rachel screeched.

"Come on, stop it!" said Tifa, trying as hard as Vincent to quiet everyone down. "Stop jumping! Don't scream! Hey! Don't break that! Grrrr. . . ." Nobody was listening as she stood in the middle of the crowded, dual bed room, surrounding by people, the lights flickering on and off by whomever was playing with them. ". . . .SHUT THE &$)(&#! UP!"

"I knew she'd convert one day. . . ," said Cid, out on the balcony. "They always do. . ."

Everybody was motionless after Tifa had screamed. No one even blinked. They just stared at Tifa, who was completely red with her temple throbbing

"I don't even know why I put up with you people. . . ," Tifa sighed. "I try to help you, I try to house you, I try to organize you. . .I'm going for some air. . . "She walked out over to the door and shut it. Everyone was still quiet. "Oh." Her head poked through the gap between the door. "There are two spare keys on the dresser." She slammed it shut, and you could hear her footsteps clunk away.

". . . .LET ME IN THE BATHROOM!"  
"Where does the light go when you turn it off?"

"YOU'RE STILL STEPPING ON ME!" As you could've guessed, they broke away from suspended animation, back to real life.

"DIDN'T ANYBODY SEE THAT?!" asked Laura. They sort of quieted down again. "We've just knocked her off her rocker!"

"It's about time. . . ," said Rachel. Laura sort of gave her an evil glare that made Rachel go silent.

"Rachel, you're coming with me to find her, all right? Is anyone coming?"

". . .I'll go," said Cloud, standing up from his seat in the corner.

"Me, too," said Christina, wanting to tag along from the crowded room.

"I can cover this place in no time," said Vincent, volunteering.

"Yeah, I'm bored," said Kiro.

"All right. . .I'm tired of being stepped on," said Kristi.

". . .Good. The rest of you, stay here." Laura turned towards the door. "Don't move a muscle until I come back with Tifa." She took a spare key and strode up to the door, the rest of the volunteers moving out.

"Whoa," said Andariel, coming out of the closet with Reno. ". . .Did we miss anything?"

". . .So. . ." said Keily, after a period of silence. ". . .Anyone up for a game of Yahtzee?"

"If we split up, we'll cover more ground," said Laura, out on the sidewalk with everyone. "Rachel and Kiro can come with me."

"WHY KIRO?!" asked Rachel, who had just paled out from the decision.

"Christina can stick with Cloud," Laura decided, ignoring Rachel. "Vincent, you can cover a lot of area by yourself, right?"

"Yeah," he said, jumping up to a pole. "I wonder why Yuffie didn't come. . .She's just as good as me with acrobatics. . ."

"BATHROOM. . . ," moaned Yuffie, hovering over the toilet. "I HATE FLYING. . ."

"Never mind her," said Laura. "Let's get moving. And Vincent?"

"What?" he asked.

"Get going. People are staring." Everyone was crowding around, expecting a show of some sort.

"Oh!" he said. "Right!" He continued upwards onto the building.

"You two can head that way,?" said Laura, pointing in front of her. "We'll take the left. When it's 9:00, we should meet back. That gives use three hours."

"Our watches are screwed up, though. . . ," said Christina.

"Yes, but that one isn't" She pointed up to Big Ben, the clock tower.

"Ooh, pretty," said Rachel. "And it faces all four directions, thank God. . ."

"You ready?" Nobody had any objections. "Okay, let's start looking."

"Hmm. . . ," said Tifa, looking over the square. ". . .This place it pretty. . ." She sat down on a park bench, meticulously eyeing over the trees that sat in corners, and the one she was under. Leaning forward, her elbows found her knees, shifting their weight comfortably from her shoulders onward, and her head lifted to find a flock of pigeons and children try to chase them, only to have the pigeons stubbornly land again, even on some of the kids. Her mouth wrung itself into a smile. She felt the dimples in her cheeks dot themselves beside her lips, and her ears even shift when the perfectly arched eyebrows on her head moved up her forehead. All those funny little quirks about her face stood out in that one passing smile. The splashing of the twin fountains was soothing; the surroundings of the stone walls were calming, with the towering columns above in the center of the square, with four stone lions sitting tamely beneath. The wind whispered its solitude. Well. . .

"Excuse me. . . ," said a young girl with a large bag, brown hair that met her mid-back, perfectly brown skin, and she came jogging up in a pair of black boots. "Uh, do you know where the tube leading to Bond street is? I'm kinda new here, and. . ." Tifa just raised an eyebrow. "Uh, I'm sorry! My name is Dayna. What about you? You look familiar." Dayna held out her hand and Tifa hesitantly shook it, before realizing her question.

"I'm Tifa. Nice to meet you," said Tifa, taking a quick deep breath, snapping out of her stupor. Dayna recoiled slightly at the name, and then browsed very quickly over Tifa's clothes, before staring right at Tifa's head. "Uh. . .Something in my teeth?"

"EYAAAAH! I DIDN'T KNOW SQUARESOFT BASED ITS CHARACTERS ON REAL PEOPLE! OR, OR. . . ," Dayna was obviously very. . .astonished. "OR THAT THEY HAD AN FF7 CLOTHING LINE! I LOVE YOUR SKIRT!"

"Uh. . .But you're wearing a black skirt, too. . . ," said Tifa. "Um. . .Would you care to sit? I'm just taking a break."

"YES, I'D LOVE TO, BUT, I. . . ," Dayna glanced at her watch. "Oh, I'm already late for the job interview. . . I'm here studying from America, so I'm not very familiar with this place. What about you?" She just sort of collapsed on the bench in frustration.

"I know the feeling. . . ," Tifa muttered. "I'm not really familiar with this world-er, country, yeah, country."

"I know some places," said Dayna. "I run through this park every day, but I can never really navigate myself any farther. . . London is really confusing, I guess, but not a bad place to walk in."

"Yes, it's rather kind of pretty, isn't it?" asked Tifa, looking up through the leaves shading her.

"I live over in. . .that direction," said Dayna, pointing a little behind her. "It's expensive, but it's paid for by the exchange student service."

"Where are you from, specifically?" Tifa was trying to make some small talk, before she got back to the room.

"I'm from Maryland. Er, Baltimore. Er, I uh. . . Oh nevermind, I'm confusing myself. Um. . ." Dayna was once again peering over Tifa, a little confused by her appearance.

Tifa felt self-conscious, being stared at by everyone. If the way she looked was a problem. . .

"Has anyone ever told you-

"I look like a videogame character? Many, many times," Tifa said, already catching the question. "Don't tell me. I look like Tifa Lockheart."

"And you have the same first name," said Dayna.

"And the same last name," Tifa grumbled.

"I swear, it's like you popped right out of the TV screen or something! Well. . .just not in chibi form."

"What form? Huh?"

"SD? Super-dimensional?" said Dayna, trying to clue her in. "Damn, the hair, the red-brown eyes, the clothes, the ARMOR. . . ," Tifa glanced down at the metal armor on her left elbow. "And well. . .the. . ."

"Yes, quite, I understand that one," Tifa said, feeling more self-conscious than ever, not even willing to look down and tell her that she understood the point.

"Hey, you hungry? I'm loaded with cash that my parents sent me, and there's a café in the northern part of the square." Tifa felt her stomach churn and beckon it be fed. It gave an incentive growl, forcing her to turn pink with a little embarrassment rather than immediately take the offer.

"I haven't actually eaten lately, and it's getting late, so I think I'll probably just eat something when-

"OKAY, WE'RE GOING!" shouted Dayna, pulling Tifa up from her seat. "I'm starving, let's go! Eating is social, and dieting isn't! And I'm fairly sure I'm not on a diet!"

"Are you-

"YES, POSITIVE!" said Dayna, still stringing her along. "Hope you don't mind pigeons!"

"Pigeons?" asked Tifa. "Why would I mind-YAH!" They stepped through the sea of birds, as the pigeons were jumping from their spots everywhere, trying frantically not to get stepped on. One pigeon set itself on Tifa's head when trying to land. "Very loveable creatures, aren't they?"

"Oh, not if you want bird poop on you," said Dayna. Tifa's eyes widened. "Come on, they won't do that there! Have you ever seen a bird try and go on something when they're sitting?!"

"Well, now that you mention it, not r-

"Yeah, okay, keep moving!"

"I don't want to step on a bird!"

"They'll move, but you need to move, too! The café closes in an hour!"

"R-RUNNING. . .B-BAD. . . ," heaved Rachel, her hands on her knees, bent over. "I'M NOT ON THE TRACK TEAM!"

"Yeah, but I am, so try and suck it up," said Laura, quickly, scouring the sidewalks. "Kiro, ya' see something?"

"I see many people, but no Tifa," said Kiro, leaning on a wall to a very Victorian looking building. ". . .How come all of these places look like some work of art?"

"Because it's London?" Rachel guessed. ". . .How many miles has it been?"

"I'd say twenty," said Laura.

"TWENTY?!" shouted Rachel. "NO WONDER I'M SO FRIGGIN' TIRED!"

"We took breaks in-between every mile," said Laura. "How is that possible?"

"Maybe that everyone doesn't have the same chunk of stamina you do?" said Rachel.

"Ow. . .my head hurts. . . ," said Kiro. "What hit me in the head back there?"

"Ehhh. . .Nothing. . . ," said Rachel, hiding a small stone behind her back in her palm. "It must be just a sudden headache."

"I don't think headaches feel like a rock hitting your head. . . ," said Kiro. Laura sighed tiredly and her back hit the wall, and she slid to the cement. Her wrists rested over her knees, and she turned her head around anxiously. "What time is it?"

"Oh, I'd say. . ." Kiro looked up to the giant clock. "Seven 'o clock. And a quarter."

"Ugh, thanks. . ." Laura sighed. ". . .I wonder if they destroyed the room yet."

"WOOOOOOO! NO PARENTAL GUIDANCE!" shouted Chikara, throwing a pillow.

"Why don't I count?" asked Lucrecia.

"Or me?" asked Shera.

"What the # about me?!" asked Cid.

"Don't look at me," said Reno. Rufus was sitting outside.

"Because you're ditsy, you're an airhead, you're a smoker and a bad example, and Reno? You're just drunk," said Sky.

"Hey, I'm sober now!" said Reno.

"Yeah, NOW. . . ," said Selena, rolling her eyes, sitting on the sofa.

"Didn't have any complaints about my sobriety LAST NIGHT. . . ," said Reno.

"I was sleeping in the living room last night, dirtbag. . . ," said Selena. "Hm, let's see, who ELSE could you be talking about? And, at any rate, where WERE you last night?"

"I know for one thing, that I was in your dreams, baby. . . ," he said with his trademark smile. Selena sighed, and went back to just trying to take a nap.

"What's this? A list of extras for the room?" asked Surka, picking up a sheet of paper on the table. ". . .EIGHT DOLLARS FOR FRESH TOWELS EVERY DAY?!"

"Well, we know now how they were able to give us such a big discount on our room. . . ," said Jessie, wandering out of the bathroom. "At least we have a fully equipped kitchen."

"But nothing to cook, duh," said Holly, changing the channels boredly. "And we have no cash."

"Great. We're in London, with no money, no freedom to go anywhere, and we're missing people. What a splendid vacation, wouldn't you say?" asked Kyoko, lying flat on the bed, taking up most of the room for herself.

"Hm, well, I wouldn't say we don't have any money. . . ," said Yuffie, looking very innocent. "I'd say we have about, oh. . . . two-thousand of these funny things. Is this money?" Yuffie pulled out of her pockets wads of English pounds. "The people in the lobby had 'em, so I figured. . ."

"YES! PERFECT!" shouted Holly, jumping up from her spot and taking hold of a few of the bills. "HUGS!"

"AAAAAAAACK!" shouted Yuffie, getting squeezed to death by a short but similar sized, pale girl. "PLEASE, NINJAS NEED THEIR SPACE. . ."

"Let the poor girl go. . . ," sighed Jessie. "I say while we're here, we go out and just hang around."

"But didn't Tifa say-

"Oh, we're not going to start the next burning of London. . . ," Jessie said, cutting off Holly. "We have money, no real parental guidance. . ." Reno was currently passed out in a chair. "And a ninja who can just take money as she pleases."

"Hey, do you even have any morals?" asked Stephen, turning his head towards Yuffie.

"Only two," said Yuffie. "No sex before marriage, and always floss your teeth."

"Is that last one even a moral?" asked Sky.

"You shouldn't neglect your gums. . . ," said Yuffie, rolling her eyes. "Jesus, wanna have gingivitis?"

"Does this mean you've neglected all of the ten commandments or something?" asked Keily.

"Well, I don't listen to Godo, I've killed a bunch of monsters and Shinra soldiers, it's obvious I steal, I'm practically better than everyone else, so I don't think I've really treated others like I want to be treated. . .Lord knows I've done things to deserve better treatment from Blondie and Boobs, anyway. . .I think the only thing I haven't done is to commit adultery aaaaand. . . I DEFINITELY have NOT coveted my neighbor's wife. . . So hey, I have some purity left, right?" They all gave her silent, skeptical stares. "Hey why are you even asking me this?! I'm not even Christian!"

"Hm. She's got a point," said Holly. "Why are we even still sitting here?! Shouldn't we be knocking things over, buying overpriced stuff, and just overall disturb the peace?!"

"Sounds like fun," said Surka. "When do we go?!"

"How about as soon as Reno wakes up?" asked Kristi.

"Why do we have to wait up for him?" said a confused Andariel. "He's pretty much useless, overall. . ."

"Because it's just funnier that way," said Chikara.

"And I think he'd destroy the room by himself, OR. . . ," Selena said, beginning to look a little angry. "He'd probably bring some little 'playmates' in here, and we wouldn't want to walk in on their 'quality time'. Catch my drift?"

"Like a rip-tide," said Kiako. "I KNOW CIDDY-BUNCHKINS WOULDN'T DO THAT TO ME, RIGHT?!"

"Huh?" said Cid, taking up another bed, slouched on a pillow. "Er, yeah, right, whatever," he said gruffly.

"I KNEW IT!" Kiako shouted. "YOU LOOOOOVE ME!"

"Did I mention that Shera and I are engaged?" he asked.

"And that your grammar has suddenly improved. . . ," said Kyoko.

"WHAT?!" said Kiako, her eyes dilated with shock. "NOOOOOO! BUT THERE IS STILL TIME! AND WITH TIME, THERE IS HOPE! I KNOW YOU LOVE ME, CIDDY-BEAR!"

"When Vincent gets back, tell him to shoot me, please. . . ," Cid whispered to Shera.

"Why not ask Barret?" said Shera.

"Because he'd enjoy it, I think. . . ," replied Cid. "And I only need one bullet, not an entire magazine. . ."

"Ah, I don't think they could burn down the room that quickly. . . ," said Kiro. "It could take them a while to find matches, or a gas line. . ." They were still hanging out in the street, when Laura finally stood back up and look around a little.

"It's 7:15. We should be going. . . ," Laura sighed.

"No, no, rest is good. . . ," said Rachel. "Look, I wouldn't so much if I had something to drink." Laura rolled her eyes, and reached into her pocket, grabbing the wad of her money.

"Fine, but just buy a water oka-HEY!" Rachel went running after snatching the money.

"BE BACK SOON! YOU STAY THERE, ALL RIGHT?!" Rachel went running to the corner of a far off street where they were selling drinks.

"Tell me she didn't just do that," said Laura.

"Sorry. . .She did. . . ," said Kiro, watching Rachel run through the mass of people crowding the street. "It can't be long until she comes back, though. . ."

"What fascinates me is that she'll run off for a drink, but not to find a missing person," Laura said.

"Meh. She's a funny person," Kiro shrugged. "While we're here, the best thing we can do is keep an eye out."

Tifa was sitting at a café table beside a stone wall that really housed a café in the famous Trafalgar Square. Her eyes were still set on the fountains and pigeons that perched themselves upon the heads of the four, cold gray stone lions. Shuffling her feet on the ground, her attention returned to Dayna, who was just coming out with some coffee.

"I'm sorry if I've kept you waiting," said Dayna with a smile. "Coffee isn't the fastest drink to make."

"I dunno about that. . . ," said Tifa. "I've made some in ten minutes every single morning." Dayna smirked.

"I mean, lattes, of course," Dayna said. "Expensive, small, and very, very strong."

"Oh, you mean frilly coffee," said Tifa, looking straight down into her own, small, white porcelain cup, staring at her own reflection in the light brown substance. "I don't happen to drink this very often. . ."

"Hm. Well then I hope you like it strong. European coffee is much stronger than American coffee. You did say you just came over here too, right?" asked Dayna.

"Uh, yeah," Tifa replied. The conversation sort of halted for a moment there, when Dayna put her hand behind her head nervously.

"Er. . . ," said Dayna. "Have I made you uncomfortable? I'm sorry if I just pulled you over here. . ."

"No, it's what I needed, I think," said Tifa. "I came out for some solitude, and maybe that's not exactly what I needed. . . ,"

"What did you need?" asked Dayna.

"Civil, decent conversation," Tifa grumbled. "You wouldn't believe the people I'm staying with in my hotel room. . ."

"And what would they be like?" Dayna didn't seem to have any trouble conversing while Tifa remained slightly hesitant.

"My ex, his girlfriend who happens to be my friend, a smoker and his fiancée, a slightly gothic friend with an interesting wardrobe, his ex, his girlfriend, a drunk, his two on and off girlfriends and his ex, and an assortment of monkeys," said Tifa.

"All in the same room?" asked Dayna. "How big is it?"

"A double," Tifa sighed.

"I guess that explains why you needed the fresh air. . .," she said, finishing off the small coffee. "Tiny little things they give these to you in. . ."

"Strange. . . ," said Tifa. "Why is mine bigger?"

"Because what I have here is straight, unchanged espresso. Not tampered with," said Dayna. "I need the pick-me-up after missing the interview."

"Is it my fault?" asked Tifa.

"No, I was running late when I left my apartment. . . ," Dayna sighed. "Happens a lot. . ." Tifa smiled and looked back into her cup. A droplet of water splashed into it, sending little ripples around it, making it appear to be something of a bulls-eye. She looked up into the slate-gray sky that was quickly consuming the rest of the sunlight. "Crap," Dayna said flatly. "Damn meteorologists, they can never get anything right. . . Sunny day, my ass. Well, I suppose I should be going. It's nice meeting you." Dayna held out her hand like she did upon first meeting Tifa. Tifa looked over her shoulder, to the hotel that was a few minutes away.

"Uh, would you like to meet everyone in my hotel room?" asked Tifa. "I can use your story as an alibi to not being responsible if they ruined the room."

"They're really that destructive?" asked Dayna. "Oh, whatever. I've still got time, and we'd better move if we want to avoid the rain. . ."

"YEAAAAAH! CIRCUSES ROCK!" Chikara was bouncing about in the crowd to a Chinese acrobatic circus.

"How in bloody hell did we get to Victoria Park?" asked Holly.

"I wouldn't suggest asking. . . ," said Jessie. "And it took us a good half hour to get here."

"What time is it?" asked Keily, being shoved around in the crowd.

"Eight o'clock," said Andariel, squinting her eyes to see the clock tower. "And isn't it beginning to rain?"

"And so is our luck. . . ," said Sky. "We manage to get some money, we go out, and it rains. Some lovely vacation we're having."

"This is a vacation?" asked Mike.

"It kinda feels like a family vacation, doesn't it?" said Kiako.

"Meh," Kyoko shrugged. "I don't really like family vacations. . .This is better than one, I think."

"Why?" asked Holly.

"Because there aren't any real parents," she said, looking at Reno.

"WHY AM I ALWAYS THE EXAMPLE?!" asked Reno.

"Because you're always the perfect example of a bad example," said Rufus.

"Whatever you say, Mr. 'White Pants are Unfashionable After Labor Day'," said Reno.

"It's not past Labor Day. You must've been too drunk to realize that," Rufus sighed.

"Ah, you're worse than your father. . . ," Reno grumbled.

"Really?" asked Rufus. "I'm worse than dead?"

"You get my point. . . ," said Reno in a highly irritated tone. "We'll stay for as long as the show is, then we go back to a club, all right?"

"Think they'll let us in?" asked Holly.

"Well, who asked about you?" said Reno. "All of us who can go, will, and you can just order a movie in the room or something. . ."

"Oh, you're a lot of fun. . . ," Holly muttered. "Killjoy. . ."

"Oh dear Reno, you've been proclaimed boring. . . ," said Rufus. "Losing your subtle touch?"

"Yeah, you're a real blast too, Rufus. . .," said Reno. "What was the last thing you did that was fun? Golf with Heideggar? How did the earplugs work?"

"That wasn't fun, and marvelously," said Rufus. "Almost makes me wish he weren't dead. Almost."

"Oh, crap," Dayna said in the middle of a sidewalk. "Was that left? Or was that left?" She was turning around in all directions. "Maybe that wasn't a shortcut after all. . ."

"I figured it wasn't a shortcut. . . ," said Tifa.

"Why do you figure that?" asked Dayna.

"We were heading in the opposite direction of the hotel. Are you sure you knew where the Citadines Apart'Hotel Trafalgar Square was?"

"OHHH, TRAFALGAR SQUARE, NOT COVENANT GARDEN!" said Dayna. Tifa almost tipped over.

"It's no problem. . . ," Tifa sighed. "The rain's beginning to come down, too. . . Come on, I think we should just retrace our steps. . ."

"How perfectly wonderful," said Rachel, noticing the rain. "I just buy some water, and then God gives me some free. NICE TIMING, GOD!" She heard a crack of thunder, and cringed. "I mean, uh, thanks?"

"How long has it been since she ran off?" asked Laura.

"Don't worry. . . ," said Kiro. "She'll be back soon."

"It's taken her an eternity, and-TIFA!" Laura bounced forward, at the sight of Tifa wandering about.

"What about Tifa?" asked Kiro. "Wait, you found her? HEY!" Laura had already taken off. "BUT WHAT ABOUT RACHEL?! SHE SAID TO STAY PUT HERE!"

"GO GET HER, WILL YA'?!" shouted Laura, still running. "I'LL MEET YOU BACK THERE!"

"Ugh. . ." Kiro went off in the same direction as Rachel.

"Or. . .was it that way? Jesus. . . ," Tifa sighed. "This is hopeless."

"TIFA!" Laura ran up to her side, and halted quickly. "Where have you been?"

"The square," said Tifa. Laura gave her this odd look.

"But, I thought I sent Cloud and Christina in the direction of the square," said Laura.

"They must've missed me when I went off to get a coffee," said Tifa.

"A coffee?" asked Laura. "But I thought you didn't have any money."

"I don't," said Tifa. "Uh, this is Dayna. She got it for me. We just kinda of stayed outside the café."

"Hi," said Dayna, lifting her arm and waving slightly. "Nice to meet you. Dayna Wilmington."

"Laura Cruz," said Laura, making the same gesture. "Rachel and Kiro should be waiting back there. . ." Laura pointed to the sidewalk strip they were waiting on previously.

"Back to the insanity. . . ," sighed Tifa. "Ready to meet them?"

"They sounds interesting. . . ," said Dayna. "Okay. Let's go."

"HELLOOOOO?!" Rachel was lost in the crowd, around where Laura and Kiro used to be. "Damn, they know I'm navigationally challenged!"

"RACHEL!" Kiro bounded up to Rachel, a little exhausted. "Where were you?"

"There, at that street corner." Rachel pointed to the small stand that was packing itself up. "Water?"

"No thanks," said Kiro, holding out her hand to the rain that was pouring down now, the sidewalks emptying. Kiro was under a veranda, but Rachel was still in the rain. ". . .Rachel?"

"Yeah?" she asked, still a little bit out, pacing to find Laura. It shouldn't be this hard with less people.

"Are you daft?!" asked Kiro. "You're getting soaked!"

"I need to find Laura and get back to the hotel!" said Rachel. "You know where we were, right?!"

"Uh. . . ." But with people leaving the streets, it was filling with those who had umbrellas, making visibility even worse, not to mention the rain. ". . .Your guess is as good as mine. . ."

"Jesus, why aren't they back yet?!" asked Laura.

"Did you let Rachel run out on her own?" Tifa gave Laura a troubled look.

"Oh. Right," said Laura. "It's like letting a blind dog off its leash."

"You're learning. . . ," Tifa sighed.

"RACHEL, SLOW DOWN!" Kiro was trying to get Rachel out of the rain and calm.

"NO WAY! I'M SURE THAT THE HOTEL WAS IN THIS DIRECTION! IT'S GETTING TO BE AROUND NINE, RIGHT?! WE CAN MEET THEM THERE!" Rachel refused to slow down as she got herself lost in a maze of buildings. Kiro was still following, but trying to keep dry under the small shelter the tops of the buildings provided.

"RACHEL, YOU'RE MOVING TOO FAST!" Rachel disappeared around the corner of a building.

". . .Laura, we have to go," said Tifa finally, after a while. "You said we had to meet everyone at the front of the hotel." Laura grumbled.

". . .I guess you're right," said Laura. "They'll get worried and panic if we don't meet them. When we see them, we'll have them look." Tifa nodded.

"Can I help at all?" asked Dayna.

"We can't ask that much of you. . .," said Tifa.

"No, that's all right," said Dayna. "I'd be happy to. And rainy days are all dull, anyway."

"Thanks," said Tifa. "Come on, this way. . ."

"I knew they were there. . ." Rachel stopped at the corner, adjacent to where Laura and the rest had just disappeared.

"If Laura's not there, I guess it's not it. . . ," said Kiro, catching up to her. "Is this the right direction?"

"You said it yourself," said Rachel. "I guess not. I could've sworn. . .Ugh!" Rachel ran off again.

"HEY!" Kiro took off after her. Around the brick and cement buildings, from neat ones to crumbling ones, to the darker ones, Rachel ran through the alleys with no regard for whether she was wet or not. Kiro, almost losing track of her, was able to just catch sight of the back of her before she disappeared around the last corner, or she could hear her footsteps splashing in the puddles. Until she hit a clear alleyway behind some buildings, she lost sight of both Rachel, and couldn't hear the rhythm of her shoes through the rain. Kiro tread into the center of the large alleyway, until her foot hit something firm but moving slightly. She had hit Rachel's back, collapsed on the ground.

"I. . . ," said Rachel, trying to talk past her exhaustion. "I knew it was. . .around. . ." Her other knee hit the wet pavement, and she fell in a heap. She blanked out.

"Ugh. . .Rachel. . .," said Kiro, kneeling down. Kiro took off a jacket she was wearing and tossed it over Rachel, trying to pick her up. "We need to get you out of here. . ."

Just barely able to walk with Rachel's weight over her shoulders, Kiro dragged her feet out of the alleyway into some unknown area. A broken, flashing neon sign was emitting sparks from a high up sign on a building, catching Kiro's eye. She walked up to the building, and sighed. A motel.

* * *

Stephen and AN3: ::making out on wall::

Everyone: ::STARES::

AN3: . . .Huh? AHHH! WHEN DID THE EPISODE END?!

Tifa: Just now, thank God. What on the Planet do you think you're doing?!

AN3: ::deep purple:: NOTHING!

Tifa: And what about you, Steve?

Stephen: ::equal color shade:: I DENY ALL ACCOUNTS OF WHAT YOU JUST SAW! YOU SAW NOTHING!

AN3: THAT'S RIGHT! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! FIGMENTS OF YOUR IMAGINATION! WE WEREN'T JUST KISSING!

Tifa: Oh really? And how do you suppose you know about what we were imagining?

AN3: I uh, I. . .I'M PSYCHIC!

Tifa: Oh please. You can hardly think, let alone use your mind for telepathy.

Laura: Wow. I think I'm going to pass out. AN3 just-

AN3: NO, NOT AT ALL! NADA!

Stephen: ::really, really red::

AN3: ::about to faint:: AAHHHH! STOP LOOKING AT ME WITH YOUR ACCUSING EYES! GO! GO TO THE TIFA BEFORE I START MAKING YOU PAY FOR THE FREE FOOD!

Surka: MY MUFFINS! ::charges for the snack bar::

Everyone: ::runs to get food::

AN3: ::sigh of relief:: I though that'd work.

Stephen:: You really weren't going to charge them, were you?

AN3: No, I really was.

Stephen: ::panics and runs to get food::

AN3: Ah, nothing like a little distraction to get people's prying eyes off of you until they bore into your soul and extract every little bit of information and embarrassing detail so that they have enough blackmail on you for the rest of existence. And he's right. I really wasn't going to charge them. . .

Everyone: ::runs back angrily with food in their mouths::

AN3: BUT YOU DIDN'T HEAR THAT FROM ME!

Stephen: ::mouth full of ramen:: Yeah, we did.

AN3: Oh, whose side are you on?! Okay, you all read that last chapter, right?

Cloud: I can't believe you're putting Kiro and Rachel in a motel together. Didn't you say there aren't going to be any girl to girl pairings?

AN3: THERE AREN'T ANY, AND NOTHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN!

Kiro: ::pouts::

Everyone eager to see something strange happen between them: ::sad::

AN3: ::sighs:: Bunch of perverts. . .So, the next chapter should be in the official book format. All you people who hate the format now, suck. We're already not too far off book format, anyway.

Tifa: Shoot me. Kill the series now.

AN3: Oh, aren't we little Miss Optimistic! Buck up, we have supporters.

Tifa: Supporters? You mean you either bribed people or the mentally deranged people are reading this?

AN3: I didn't bribe people, and nobody here is mentally deranged. Well. . .scratch that last one. It applies to some. On another note. . .YESSS! WOOHOO! BEING AUTHORESS OF THIS FIC ROCKS! AFTER PLUGGING IN "THIS IS NOT A YUFFENTINE", I GET SHIRTLESS CLOUD PICS! AWESOME! PAYMENT FOR MY PLIGHT!

Holly: Well, a lot of people do read this story, and more reviews would be nice. . .

AN3: For all of you people that just suck and didn't read the notes in the first chapter of the second season, go! Go and read Holly's story! It's funny, entertaining, and I swear if you like CloYus, you'll love it!

Sky: You like CloYus?

AN3: Why not? CloYus tend to be funny, so of course I like CloYus. In fact, I'll probably read anything that involves Cloud in something.

Cloud: Yeah, I'm special.

Tifa: Real "special". ::does finger quotation movement:: 

Cloud: What was that for?

Tifa: Oh, I was just quoting you and giving you credit. . .::whistles "farm boy" tune::

Cloud: Oh. Thanks.

Tifa: ::sighs::

Cloud: Tired?

Tifa: You could say that. . .

AN3: ::nervously laughs:: Yeah, love is in the air.

Tifa: ::looks at AN3 out of corner of eye:: Evidently. . . ::continues whistling::

AN3: ::red again:: SHUT UP! WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!

Surka: It's supposed to mean that we have to pull out the barf bags and get used to seeing you in a lip lock.

AN3: ::panicking and flustered:: I, UH, WAIT, UM, AHHHH! ::flapping arms:: N-NOOO!

Sephiroth: If love is in the air, Surka, how come-

Surka: You stop right there. No thank you.

Konoshi: SEPHYYY! JUST PRETEND I'M SURKA AND-

Sephiroth: No.

Konoshi: ::sobs::

Kyoko: Yeah Vincent, just pretend I'm Laura and-

Vincent: No.

Kyoko: ::sobs with Konoshi::

AN3: What a weird cast we have.

B.T.: Hey, you're the one who accepted our résumés.

AN3: ::sighs:: I know, I know. . .I have to redraw the cast picture for season one because I lost it. . .And now, looking at the new one I have to draw, just looking at it gives me a headache for everyone I need to include. . . WHY DID THERE HAVE TO BE SO MANY OF YOU?!

Beppi: WE LOVE YOU TOO, RACHEL! . . .IN A TOTALLY PLATONIC WAY!

Nyow: HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET ON THE SET?! ::shoves into crate and orders it off the set::

AN3: . . .Please don't ask about that.

Chikara: Hey AN3, what was up with that?

AN3: I SAID NOT TO ASK! Are you people hard of hearing?

Kami: Naaaw. . .Unless you did some strange experiment on my ears! ::looks at Lucrecia::

Lucrecia: No, just your bladder.

Kami: WHAT?! ::runs to bathroom::

AN3: Jesus, you all are-

Tifa: Strange, we know.

AN3: Well. . .You're one of the few normal people. . .

Tifa: That's good to know. . .

AN3: Isn't there some sort of subtle charm in how all of the FF7 characters are out of character? And nobody really complains, whereas Holly won't post as long as the characters in her fic are OOC? What's up with that?

Holly: What? It's just better if they're not OOC, and fit the role better without stretching the idea of a real CloYu happening, so it's not like something has to change for it to happen.

AN3: ::silent::

Everyone else: ::silent::

AN3: . . .She makes a damn good point. But it won't work here! Welcome to AE, the most OOC fic on The Planet! Funny here only comes from the idea of stretching ideas!

Tifa: And plots.

Cloud: And characters.

Kiako: And jokes. SQUEE! CIDDY!

Cid: AHH!

AN3: Not to mention author's notes! Where we bring up updates and random crap about nothing! It's a story in itself!

Stephen: When do we blow up AOL?

Jessie: When do we blow up for trying to remove this?

Mars: When do we blow up Ferrix? ::mutters:: Heartless bastard. . .

AN3: Uh. . .When we get a large cult?

Konoshi: Who's the deity we worship?

Surka: THE MUFFIN!

Sephiroth: ENOUGH WITH THE MUFFINS!

AN3: I DON'T KNOW WHO OR WHAT WE WORSHIP! HOW ABOUT WE STICK TO OUR RELIGIONS, OKAY?!

Tifa: Fine. Everything will work here on the set as normal, or as normal as it can get, and can we keep one subtle rule?

AN3: What?

Tifa: No kissing on the set. 

Surka and Sephiroth: ::kissing::

Konoshi: ::almost shooting lasers out of eyes::

Tifa: STOPPIT!

Sephiroth: Damn. . .I almost had her, too.

Surka: ::laughs nervously::

AN3: I'm fine with it.

Stephen: Okay. Where's the trailer?

AN3: Out back.

Stephen: See ya' there?

AN3: Uh. . .

Everyone: ::staring again::

AN3: . . .Maybe later.

Stephen: You got it.

Reno and Selena: ::making out as well::

Tifa: WILL THE INSANITY EVER END?!

Laura: Hey, at least I'm not. . .

Vincent: Wanna test that? ::bows Laura backwards and kisses her::

Tifa: And I used to be the one getting the most action around here.

Cloud: Yeah, and then you got the disposition of my grandmother.

Tifa: ::glares::

Cloud: Whoops. I'm going. ::runs off::

AN3: And he's doing what we should be doing right now! LEAVING!

Tifa: Longest notes, EVER.

Sephiroth: ::carries Surka to trailer::

Surka: WHA?!

AN3: EW, NOT IN MY TRAILER! GET YOUR OWN!

Sephiroth: We do have our own.

AN3: WELL. . .THEN USE YOURS, NOT MINE!

Sephiroth: ::halfway out set door:: YOU GOT IT!

AN3: I need a personal masseuse. . .Or a Tylenol. Whatever will make me feel better. You all have a nice day now. I'm off to see the wizard!

Everyone: . . .

AN3: Oh. Right. Wrong story. ::coughs:: I'm just splitting to do some random stuff right now. Just a word of advice if anyone sees Sephiroth's trailer. . .If the trailer's a rockin' don't come a knockin'!

Chikara: Ewwwww. . .

AN3: Just pretend it's not moving. ::hears a loud slap::

Surka: ::bustles in all red::

Sephiroth: ::hand mark on cheek::

AN3: Uh. . .Scratch that. It's not happening. Bye bye! I'm off to my own trailer!

Stephen: I'm following!

Tifa: And I'm just good enough to give them PARENTAL GUIDANCE. . .

AN3: Pheh. As if we were going to do anything nasty, anyway. Bye now! Ready Steve?!

Stephen: ::pulls up Gamecube controller:: YEAH! YOU'RE GOING DOWN IN SOUL CALIBUR 2!

Everyone: ::falls over::

AN3: WHAT ELSE DID YOU PERVS THINK?! GOOD-BYE ALREADY!


	4. Chapter 4: Uneasy Nights and Days p1

Chapter 4: Uneasy Nights and Days

Notes: You know the drill. FF7 is Squaresoft's and Laura is LadyTifa26's.

* * *

"Rachel? Rachel? HELLOOOOO?!"

Rachel could hear something vaguely when she just hit consciousness again. She felt still a little wet, but warmer, and she felt the weight of covers on herself. Feeling a little weak, she didn't bother to answer. Until, of course, she recognized the voice of who was trying to talk to her.

"AHHHH!" Rachel sprang up, and crawled backwards into a hard pillow, at the sight of red hair and brown eyes looking back at her. She felt exhausted after doing so though, and coughed for a few moments.

It was Kiro sitting there, in a chair right beside Rachel's bed, in her white dolphin shirt leaning forward on her knees. She looked a little freaked out, and scowled. "You're sick, you realize that?" she asked. "You shouldn'tve ran through the rain."

"W-WHERE AM I?!" shouted Rachel. She went through another bout of coughing when Kiro tried to pat Rachel's back to make her feel better. Rachel noticed the hand approaching and slapped it back repeatedly, when she missed and hit Kiro hard in the head. ". . .Oh crap."

". . .Huh?" asked Kiro, just changing personalities again. "Rachel? In a bed?! AWESOME! HOLD STILL!" Rachel cowered, when Kiro stopped. "Oh yeah, you're sick. Even I'm not that low," said Kiro. "That's disgusting. It's like sleeping with a hobo, or. . .or Bill Clinton."

"Thank you, illness. . . ," sighed Rachel. She suddenly felt very dizzy, and fell back into her pillow, going through a sudden chill. She couldn't stop shaking. Feeling feverish and shivering because of the cold, she didn't know whether to pull the covers over herself, or the pull them off. Her decision was just to lie there. ". . .What is this place?" She looked curiously at the old wallpaper and water stains on the ceiling in the small room, with hardwood floors that were dusty and unkempt, then at the scratchy covers she was in. The room only had one bed.

"It's an old motel, as you can see," said Kiro. "I had to use the last of our money to get you out of the rain. You need medicine, you know."

"I take it that I do. . . ," said Rachel in a raspy voice, then coughing to clear it.

"Good thing you bought the water. . . ," said Kiro. "You're gonna need it. . . Want it?"

"Not now. . . ," said Rachel. "How long of a stay do we have here? It smells of feet."

"That's not the room. That's your own puddle of drool."

Rachel scowled and the wet spot under her face, and scooted back.

"We only have one night. Rooms even like this aren't cheap in London," Kiro sighed.

Rachel made an effort to smirk. "You have me in a room, in a bed for one night, and you can't have your way with me because I'm sick. This is like some sort of blessing for me, isn't it?"

"Not if it's pneumonia or the flu. . . ," said Kiro. "I think it's just a cold, but you're too weak to go out and start looking for everyone. If we leave after tonight and you're still sick, you'll collapse again and you'll probably get worse. Why did you have to run off?!"

"I panic when I'm lost. . .Which is sort of often. . . ," said Rachel, turning over in her sheets. ". . .You have no idea how crappy I feel right now."

"At least you're not as frustrated as I am. . . ," said Kiro, leaning forward again. "So vulnerable. . . But. . .you're sick. And that's sick. But you're just lying there. . ."

Rachel was growing uncomfortable from the uncertainty whether she should run and collapse again, or Kiro would snap to it and forget the idea.

Kiro, not being that stupid, leaned back again. "No, you're sick. And you need medicine. . .We don't have any money, though. . ." She bit her lip, thinking what she should do. Kiro couldn't help but just sort of eye Rachel in the bed there. She tried diverting herself with a fly buzzing around the lamp. No good. Then she stared at the ceiling. But as if that was any bit interesting.

"How much is your soul worth?" asked Rachel.

Kiro scowled at her.

"Okay, yeah, right, we're not going to sell that. . . ," said Rachel. "It'd only be worth a shilling or two. . ."

"Get sleep," said Kiro, trying as hard as she could to bring her thoughts off that.

Rachel looked suspiciously at Kiro. Though, she did feel incredibly weak. She could barely feel her limbs. Alternating her eyes from shutting and then snapping open to check if Kiro was pulling something, she slipped back slowly into sleep. She didn't find Kiro doing anything other than trying to think.

But she really didn't quite know what Kiro was thinking, did she?

"So, we lost Kiro," said Cloud, analyzing the situation when Tifa and Laura explained everything. ". . .You sure that's really much of loss?"

"Kiro. . . ," said Alannah. ". . .Is that the one with the red hair? Really horny almost all the time?"

"You catch on quickly," said Tifa, pacing back and forth.

"Now that you mention it, I'm not totally eager to meet her. . . ," said Dayna.

"Especially since she's bisexual, meaning nobody is safe," said Laura.

Dayna cringed.

"Yeah, you've got the impression," said Cloud. "Don't worry. She's more focused on scoring with Rachel more than anyone else."

"But isn't Rachel the other one lost with her?" asked Dayna.

"Which is the other half of why we're so worried," said Tifa. "We don't find them fast enough-

"And Rachel might just have became. . .a woman, you might say," said Laura, sounding a little disgusted.

"Don't make us think about it. . . ," said Aeris, clenching her eyes shut.

"Bad images," said Kyoko.

"The thought of Rachel doing that, does more than sicken," said Vincent.

"Pepto-Bismol, please," Mike requested.

"Does anyone know how we can find them?" asked Tifa.

"Interpol?" asked Chikara. "I've heard about that, but I think that was only France. . ."

"I don't think it's that drastic. . . ," said Holly.

"I have an idea," said Kiako. "I can locate them on my laptop. But it could be difficult. . .I can only hack records of credit cards to find them, if they've bought anything, and if they've bought through cash, it'll be something new. . Especially since there aren't really any records about people paying in cash. Just credit card or check."

"We'll keep that in mind. . . ," said Tifa.

"I'm hopelessly lost around most of London. . . ," said Dayna. "But I can look into the areas I do know. . . .Will you stop that?!" Konoshi was poking Dayna's arm.

"You seem familiar," said Konoshi. "And I like poking people."

"STOPPIT!" shouted Dayna, finally smacking Konoshi's finger back.

Konoshi went waving it in the air, trying to reduce the sting. "Meanie. . . ," she grumbled.

"Still, thanks for the help, Dayna," said Tifa.

"Hm," said Konoshi. "The name is familiar, too. HUGGLES!" Konoshi stood up, giving Dayna a giant hug. Dayna lowered her head and sighed.

"Does she have some sort of hugging complex?" asked Dayna.

"Only to those she likes," said Cloud. "Konoshi, let the poor girl go."

"Huh?" Dayna looked at Konoshi for a minute. "Silver hair, pink highlights. . .the clothes. . .That's impossible."

"What? My hair isn't that hard to-

"No, that's not it. . . ," said Dayna, looking at Konoshi very hard. "Konoshi. . .I know where I've heard the name before. . . Rachel's character?"

"Rachel's missing," said Tifa.

"It's a different Rachel," said Dayna. Dayna shook her head. "No, it's not possible. Just a coincidence."

"At any rate. . . ," Tifa sighed, taking a seat on one of the beds. "We need to find them. In the morning, we should probably scour everywhere. Leave no stone unturned."

"Do bricks count as stones?" asked Chikara.

Tifa glared at her skeptically.

"Never mind. . .," said Chikara quickly, before whistling a tune.

"Why don't we just look now?" asked Keily.

"Because it's dark. We won't have much luck searching when it's dark and raining. And we need sleep," said Tifa. "Let's turn in, okay?"

"If that's the case, I'll meet you here in the morning," said Dayna, approaching the door. "I'll meet you in the lobby at nine o'clock."

"That's fine. Check-out time is eleven," said Tifa.

"All right," Dayna said, opening the heavy hotel door into the bright fluorescent hallway. "I'll see you all later." She shut the door after exiting, making her way to the elevator.

"So. . . ," said Tifa, after Dayna left. ". . .Where have you all been?"

"CIRCU-MMPH!" Kristi quickly shut Chikara's mouth.

Tifa sighed. "I told you all not to leave!"

"How did you guess we went somewhere?" asked Cloud.

"Because you're you, and you never listen to me," said Tifa,.

"Meh," shrugged Keily. "It's a process that works."

"BUT IT WAS FUUUNNNN!" said Chikara. "The acrobatics, the jumps, tricks, and we still have an asswad of money!"

"Huh?" asked Tifa. "From what?"

Everyone looked at Yuffie from the corner of his or her eye.

"WHAT?!" asked Yuffie. "YOU WERE ALL HAPPY BEFORE!"

"Yes, before," said Mike. "But now since we all feel not like dying within the hour from Tifa breaking our bones/skulls, it's time we get our scapegoat."

"THAT'S NOT NICE!" said Yuffie.

"Nobody said we were nice. . . ," said Mike.

Yuffie made a nervous smile in the direction Tifa was in.

Tifa was fuming.

"Am I-

"YES, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY DEAD," said Tifa, cutting Yuffie off. "You can't steal! Not with us around! Otherwise, people will think we're thieves, too!"

"I'm not a thief!" said Yuffie. She took a more dignified pose. "I AM THE GREAT NINJA YUFFIE, PRINCESS OF WUTAI, AND ALL AROUND SPECIAL!"

"Don't make us crack 'special' jokes, Yuffie. . . ," Tifa grumbled.

"Don't make me clue you in like you're disposition is of a grandmother with a bowel problem. . . ," said Yuffie.

Tifa frowned.

"And that you never do anything fun anymore. . . ," Yuffie continued.

Tifa glared.

"Yuffie. . .?" said Holly. "You might want to-

"With your looks, you'd look like a much nicer person, but no, you're so serious, you don't have a life anymore, and I think you enjoy taking us down with you."

Tifa turned red.

"YUFFIE. . ." said Holly. "QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD. . ."

"And what was up with ditching us, huh? Yeah, that's really supportive. Just run out on us, why don't you?!"

"STOP. . .STOP BEFORE WE GET BRUTALLY MURDERED. . . ," said Cloud tensely between his teeth.

The overall level of comfort in the room dropped to a negative eighty points.

Tifa gained an eye twitch.

People feared for their lives.

Yuffie dragged on. "While you're trying to go on some sort of self-improvement thing, did you ever consider wearing something with less skin? Someone might think you're easy with the short skirt and tight shirt, you know? What are you doing, trying to sell your body for cash? I mean-

"YUFFIE, I DON'T FEEL LIKE DYING!" said a distressed Jessie.

"-wear pants or something, and maybe-

"GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Tifa went straight for Yuffie.

"YEEEEEEK!"

Rachel was tossing and turning. She sort of had this bad feeling as she slept. There was something wrong.

Kiro however, was doing just fine. Well, something just fine according to her.

She had positioned herself right above Rachel on all fours. Struggling inside her mind though was a little argument. . . She's lying there, right under her. But she's sick. But she's there. But she's sick. But she's vulnerable. But she's diseased. But she's cute when she's asleep. But she's generally cute all the time-I mean, she has an illness.

"Oh, hell with it. . . ," whispered Kiro under her breath, moving steadily downwards.

"PENGUINS DON'T WEAR UNITARDS, AND THAT'S BECAUSE THE EGGPLANT IS BLUE!" shouted Rachel, snapping awake. "Huh? AHHHH! KIRO, GET THE HELL AWAY!" She strained her voice, and coughed a little more.

"YOU KNOW WHAT ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER, RACHEL?!" asked Kiro.

"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!" shouted Rachel.

"OF COURSE YOU DO, RACHEL!" said Kiro, her nose now touching Rachel's nose. "KISS ME!"

"I DON'T WANT TO, AND YOU KNOW I'M-MMMMPPPPHHH!" After trying to struggle and get as far away from Kiro's mouth as possible, she was still too weak and try to throw Kiro off, only leaving Kiro to kiss Rachel again.

"NOW!" Kiro declared. "LET'S GET YOU OUT OF THESE WET CLOTHES AND INTO MY PANTS!"

"OKAY! I WON'T FEEL GREAT AFTER THIS, BUT. . .YEAH, WHO AM I KIDDING, I'LL FEEL BETTER!" Rachel picked up her legs and knocked Kiro off of her, leaving her to land on the floor.

Rubbing her head, Kiro picked herself off the floor. She grumbled, and went back to sitting in her chair.

". . .You're quiet. I don't trust you when you're quiet. Hell, I don't trust you at all! What are you doing?!" Rachel was monitoring Kiro as best as she could with he dizziness.

Kiro looked pensive, sitting in her chair. She just seemed to sit and think for a while. Looking back at Rachel, she stuck the back of her hand onto Rachel forehead, and the gap between her eyebrows intensified.

"You're hot," said Kiro.

"Why, thank you," said Rachel. ". . .Never mind. I never want to hear that from you again."

"Don't be so bitter about it," said Kiro. "I need to get you better again. . ."

"Don't worry. . . ," said Rachel. "I'm fine-ACK, COUGH, HACK!" She went into another coughing bout that made her sound like a cat with a furball. She wheezed back. "I'm fine. . .Just fine. . ."

"That's it," said Kiro, standing up. "I don't have any other choice." She walked briskly for the door.

"HEY!" said Rachel. "DON'T LEAVE! Uh. . .Wait, do I really want you here? Yes, that I do. . .But then again, it is you. . .But I don't feel like dying!"

"I'm not leaving you stranded here," said Kiro. "I'll be back in a few hours. Get some sleep." Shutting the door, Kiro's footsteps could be heard trailing away from the door.

". . ." Rachel was left a little silent and confused. ". . . .Please don't tell me she's off to get condoms. Or sleeping pills. Chloroform?!" Rachel became a little paranoid. After that last theatric, she didn't know what to expect from Kiro, whether she was really out to do something to help, or whether she was going to drug Rachel and do. . .things. Evil, evil things. But the sickness had taken the better of her, and put her through another period of sleep.

"OH CRAP!" Dayna found herself lost again. "I should've asked which way was south to the apartments. . ." She was walking around a neighborhood full of alleys and brick buildings, just passing a few shops, and one with a busted neon sign. She quickly eyed some of the people she was passing. The type of homeless sort. The ones that sort of eyed her in a way that made her uncomfortable. She regretted wearing the skirt. Moving quickly and turning her head in the direction she thought was south, she ran into a girl with a white dolphin shirt and short red hair. "Ah! Oh, I'm sorry. . . ," Dayna apologized.

The girl shook her head. "Uh, nah, I'm fine. . . I uh, I have to go!" The girl went running off in the other direction.

Dayna shrugged and kept moving on. "I guess she's just as uncomfortable here as I am. . ."

"Cloud? Cloud? Cloud? Cloud? CLOUD?!" Aeris was shaking Cloud, sleeping in the bed next to hers. "COME ON! YOU SNORE TOO LOUD!" It was late night, and everyone was trying to get some sleep.

"Where's my teddy, mommy? Where's Mr. Huggleton?" asked Cloud in his sleep. He felt Aeris' arm. "THERE HE IS! I'VE MISSED YOU! YOU AND MR. WARKSTER!" He hooked his left arm sharply around Aeris' neck.

"ACK!" Her head was stuck to his side, around his armpit. Her chin scooted itself upward for air, when she noticed Tifa's head there in the same spot, just on the opposite side.

"Nice to see you," said Tifa. "I was going to wake him up when he said 'MR. WARKSTER!' and grappled me."

Aeris laughed weakly. "It explains a little bit to why you weren't on the other side of the bed. How do we get out of this?"

"Hey, don't make Tifa move. . ." said Mike, forced to share the bed with Cloud and an assortment of others. What, you think they were going to put girls in the same bed with guys?! Sick freaks. . . "I like her in my lap."

"Heheheheh. . ." Stephen was where Tifa's chest was. "This is nice. . ."

"Huh? Who's ass is this? It looks nice." Kami found Aeris lying on top of him. "Hey Aeris, I know I'm a stud, but. . ."

"Don't flatter yourself," Tifa grumbled. "It's not like she wants to be there."

"Huh?" Yuffie woke up from the other bed, covered in bandages from Tifa's attack. "HEY! ARE TIFA AND AERIS TRYING TO-

"NO," they said together.

"Okay, on the count of one, we smother Cloud in his sleep," said Mike, holding up a pillow, trying to release Tifa and Aeris.

"Whose idea was THAT?!" asked Kami.

Stephen raised his hand.

"No, death isn't an option. . . ," said Tifa. "I say we just-

"HEY CLOUD!" shouted Chikara in his ear. "WAKE UP!"

He continued snoring on.

"Will you guys please listen to me?!" asked Tifa. "This is all we have to do." She move her head closer to his ear, when she stopped, then cleared her throat and whispered, "pornos".

He let them go and sat up, whipping his head around.

"CID?! YOU MEAN YOU WENT OUT AND BOUGHT MORE?! RENO?! CAN I BORROW ONE?! . . .Huh?" He was surrounded by everyone, eyeing him. ". . .Am I finally popular?"

"For tonight, you certainly are," Tifa grumbled.

"Oh, so you DO acknowledge my charm. . . ," said Cloud. "OW!"

Tifa punched him hard on the shoulder. "Stop snoring. Go to sleep."

"Erm. . .Huh?" The light was turned off in the motel room when Rachel first woke up. Her dizziness had gone away, and her throat was a little better. She was a little warm, but the chills were gone at least. On the whole, she was feeling much better than before she had fallen asleep. Clicking on the light, she noticed the clock, flashing its red numbers. From the time she had fallen asleep, eleven thirty, it was now four fifteen. Across from the black plastic clock, there was her bottle of water, Kiro apparently having taken a drink out of it by noticing some of its contents gone, and there was a bottle of clear, purple liquid. Her mouth tasted funny, and the security plastic wrap they keep on the lid of the bottl was discarded and torn beside it. Her hand searched for balance to the left, when it found an indent in the bed that was a little warm.

Kiro's back was turned to Rachel. She was sleeping soundly, and her hair looked a little messed up. Her shoulder prevented Rachel from really seeing if she was asleep.

Rachel nudged Kiro's shoulder. She received no sign of her being awake. Had she done something? How did she get the medicine? Rachel persisted in her attempt to wake her up.

"Mm, what is it? . . .Rachel?" Kiro muttered groggily. ". . .Are you better?"

"Kiro, how did you get this?" Rachel lifted up the bottle with the clear purple liquid, saying "Dimetapp" on the label, indicating it was cold medicine. Instead of automatically answering Rachel, Kiro bit her lip again, and hauled herself out of bed. "Did you find out that you just had that with you? Did the motel owner give it to you? What?"

"I. . .can't tell you that. . . ," said Kiro, scratching her head, walking in front of the bed and dodging Rachel's eye contact.

"Well, when did you get back?" asked Rachel.

"I'd say about twenty minutes ago. . . ," Kiro replied, still groggy.

"What took you so long?" Rachel then asked.

Kiro didn't reply.

"Huh? Did you just-

"Don't pry, okay?!" Kiro snapped.

Rachel raised her eyebrows in shock. She pinched her eyebrows together, and scooted back, tucking in her legs, making a space where Kiro decided to sit. "You seem thoughtful. I KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING!"

Kiro recoiled. "Uh. . .It's not like I did it because I liked it! Well, kind of, but-

"Oh, you don't have to tell me. . . ," said Rachel, squinting her eyes in the stereotypical "I know what you did last Summer" kind of way. "The hair, the look on your face, coming back late. . .YOU WERE. . ."

Kiro flinched.

"DOING DRUGS!"

She fell over. "I WAS NOT DOING DRUGS!"

"Oh," said Rachel. "THEN YOU WERE. . ." She sighed and fell over.

". . .You're giving up just like that? No protest?" asked Kiro.

"Meh," said Rachel, shrugging. "It's too late at night to argue. Or is it too early in the morning? I think whatever your excuse is, is just fine. . ."

"Okaaaaay. . . ," said Kiro, just sort of going along with it.

"I REALLY DO KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING, THOUGH!" shouted Rachel. "YOU WERE. . .YOU WERE. . .Oh hell, I have no idea."

This time, Kiro fell off the bed.

"WHAT?!" asked Rachel.

Kiro stood up and sat on the bed again, half smiling, half groggy. "You really are that clueless, aren't you?"

". . . . . . . . ." Rachel was sort of silent. ". . . . . . .Why are you smiling? Please stop smiling. It scares me."

Kiro just sort of scooted closer.

Rachel panicked. "YEEK! GET AWAY! I HAVE, uh. . .BAD TASTING MEDICINE! AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT! TWO TABLESPOONS FOR PEOPLE ABOVE 14! . . .Hey, that's me! I mean. . .AHHHHH!"

"Gyah!" Tifa shot upwards in her sleep.

"Muh? What is it, Tifa?" asked Aeris, sleeping next to her. "I don't think Cloud is snoring again. What, do I snore?"

"No. . . ," said Tifa. "I had this odd feeling something happened to Rachel. . . Something good, and something terribly, terribly wrong."

"It's just a dream. . . ," Aeris said in a half-asleep state, her eyes still closed. She stuffed her head deeper into her pillow and talked to Tifa with her voice muffled. "And if you don't think it's that, it just means you care. Now, get some sleep. . ."

"Hah. Care about her, my ass," said Tifa, lying back down, pulling the covers on herself again. "I wonder why I don't have anymore dreams about flying, pancakes, and naked men. . .Good dreams. . ."

"MMM, MMPH, PHMMPHMPHMMMMM!" Ever shout in someone's mouth while they're trying to kiss you? Well, even if you haven't, I hope you never have to do so. Rachel was screaming, and thrashing around, while Kiro was trying to have her way with her again.

"Hm?" Kiro disengaged lip lock (hey, I like that. . .) for a moment. "What did you say? And do that again, it was kinda kinky. Like my mouth was set on 'vibrate'."

"ICK!" Rachel shouted. "I SAID, 'WILL YOU PLEASE GET OFF OF ME?!'!"

"Oh," said Kiro. ". . .NO!" She quickly shook her head with her reply, and dove back in. Rachel twisted her head, and Kiro missed. "Come on Rachel, playing hard to get isn't very fun in bed!"

"IIIIIIICK! ICKY, EW, EW!" said Rachel. "DON'T EVER SAY THAT, STOP TRYING TO GET LAID WITH ME, AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, DON'T EVER TRY AND DO STUFF LIKE THIS AGAIN!"

"You mean like getting you medicine to make you better?" asked Kiro. "Okay, fine, I'll stop caring and let you die."

"Of a cold?" asked Rachel skeptically.

"Hey, it could happen," said Kiro, gently but quickly shrugging her shoulders.

"Kiro?" said Rachel.

"What?" asked Kiro.

"Uh, let me see, what am I trying to say? Oh yeah! WHY ARE YOU STILL ON ME?!" Rachel screamed.

"RACHELLLLLLL!" Kiro whined. "COME ONNNNN! I SWEAR, MY PANTS ARE REALLY COMFORTABLE, AND THERE'S ALWAYS ROOM FOR TWO!"

"OH, HERE COME THE HAUNTING IMAGES AND EMOTIONAL SCARS. . ." said Rachel. She tried moving her arms, but Kiro had already pinned them down, and she couldn't kick her off like before because Kiro was right on her legs.

Kiro grinned like the Cheshire cat. "All right Rachel, you can't get away now. . ."

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

A couple was moving through the hall up the stairs when they heard Rachel's scream. The woman piped up.

"Uh. . .what do you suppose they're doing in there?" she asked. The man answered.

"If it's anything, it's what all people go through. . ." he said.

"I can't quite say that. . .Not for men. . . ," said she. "By the sound and volume of the scream, I'd say it's someone giving birth."

He smirked. "Well, this isn't a hospital, so I suppose that can only mean one thing, especially in this location. . ."

". . .You mean. . .?" Come on. You know what she implied.

"Of course!" he said with a great big smile. "This place must be haunted!"

She fell over. "That is no ghost of someone going through medieval torture!" she protested. "It's something of. . .more natural elements."

"Oh." He said abruptly. ". . .This place has rats and they hired a cat? Now, now, I don't think rats scream like that."

"NO! AAHHHH! GET AWAAAAAY!" They heard Rachel scream again.

". . .Brutal murder?" asked the woman.

"Don't want to be at the scene of the crime," he replied. "Let's go. . . And we'll say nothing if there's a pool of blood seeping under the door and knife marks in the room."

"OW!" Kiro was finally knocked to the ground again. "Damn, you sure know how to get someone off and give them potential brain damage, you know that?" she asked, rubbing her back, which she landed on.

"Crap," said Rachel. "I was hoping I'd hit your head." She sighed. "But I have no such luck. . ."

Kiro gave a disappointed scowl and hopped back onto the left, unoccupied side of the bed.

"Hey. You no sleep there," said Rachel. "I don't trust you sleeping there."

"You don't trust me at all. . . ," said Kiro. "I'm neither sleeping in the chair, nor on the floor. Deal with it."

"FINE!" said Rachel. "Keep your hands to yourself. . ."

"Kiro, get your hand off my ass," snapped Rachel, trying to get some more slumber. About one minute into trying to sleep, and Kiro was acting up.

"You're no fun!" protested Kiro.

"Your hand isn't gone. . . ," said Rachel. Rachel felt the hand go away. "Thank you. Now, we're supposed to be getting sleep. Stay on your side."

"Fine," said Kiro. She dropped off a little afterwards, and Rachel tried going back to sleep as well. Until of course, Kiro curled up and took the blankets from her.

Rachel pulled the covers back on her side.

Kiro curled and took them back.

Rachel shivered, and pulled them over.

Kiro grumbled and tugged them all on her.

"GYAAAAAAH!" Rachel lifted her pillow in an attempt to smother Kiro in her sleep, when she stopped, and sighed, looking at Kiro trying to sleep. Instead, Rachel just took her pillow and went on the floor to sleep. ". . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . AIEEEEEEE! SCREW THIS IDEA!" Rachel thought she saw a bug skitter across the floor, and hopped back on the bed. "Okay, if I can't have the blanket OR my personal space, then there is one thing left to do." She cleared her throat. "AWAY WITH YOU!" Kicking her legs, she knocked Kiro off the bed.

"Zzzzzzzz. . ." Unsurprisingly from previous experience, Kiro didn't wake up from the fall. Rachel stole the covers and went to sleep.

"Uh. . .Mmm. . .hey. . .no. . ." From the sounds of it, Tifa still had an unsettled sleep, and she was left to toss and turn while still packed like a sardine by sharing the bed with three other people. "Mmm. . .grr. . ." Rolling over and over, tossing and turning in her spot, she veered quickly to her right.

"Hmm?" Korus sat up from sitting on the floor, awakened by Tifa's incessant mumblings. He decided while he was up to take a trip to the bathroom, stood, and began to make his way to the bathroom door. ". . .Wha?"

Tifa, to her folly, had unwittingly moved so much and so sharply, and her arms seemed to have caused her to seemingly embrace Aeris, to her immediate right, and their heads were only about two inches away.

"ALL RIGHT!" shouted Korus, apparently excited. "THIS IS WHAT ALL MEN LIVE FOR! WHERE'S THE CAMERA?! DO WE HAVE A CAMERA?! OR BETTER YET! A VIDEO RECORDER! TIFA, JUST KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING!"

". . .Huh?" Tifa woke up upon hearing her name, then saw Aeris' head right in front of her. "EEEEEEEEEK!"

"AAAHHHHHHH!" Aeris woke up after Tifa screamed in her face.

"What?" asked Yuffie, to Aeris. ". . .YAH!" Tifa and Aeris were still like they were, but screaming.

"What's the hubbub, bub?" asked Nyow sleepily, the next person beside Yuffie. ". . .What the freak?!"

"Hey, now, what?" Cloud sat up from the next bed, and saw Tifa and Aeris together like that. ". . .Whoa. That puts a new twist on the love triangle, now doesn't it?"

Recoiling her arms quickly, Tifa sat up, and Aeris scooted farther away as well. "I wasn't doing a thing!" said Tifa. "I was just having this dream, and I must've been rolling around."

"Hmm. . . ," said Korus. "I did wake up because she was making noises in her sleep and rolling around. . .Or so I thought. Were those noises, SOMETHING ELSE?!"

"EEEWWW!" Tifa and Aeris exclaimed in unison.

"Or not, as it seems. . . ," Korus sighed. "And I did so want to tape that. . .OW!"

Kami threw a shoe at his head. "Shut up, you pervert. . ."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Dayna. "IT'S SIX O' CLOCK ALREADY?!" She had just arrived at her apartment building. "And I realized I could've just taken a taxi or bus here. . ." She sobbed and began hitting her head on a sign.

"Mommy, what's the scary lady's deal?" asked a little boy, looking outside the window of his room.

"Ung, just ignore her. . . ," said the mother, pouring a pot of coffee for so early in the morning.

"But she just started hitting her head on the sign, and now she's kicking it. . .and it's bending. . . ," said the boy. "I don't think people can do that without hurting themselves. . ."

* * *

AN3: ::lying on couch, half asleep:: I became so lazy, and this was becoming so long, I had cut it off into two chapters, so now that I happened to have cut it off in the middle, I have a thirteen page head-start on finishing the next chapter.

Everyone: Uh. . .Yay? When did we get a couch?

AN3: We have an official Alternate Earth Lounge, next to the Tifa, which also has a fully stocked liquor bar.

Everyone: ::stares::

AN3: Hey, the more fanfare we get, the more additions we get to the set! We now have a spacious lounge, a bar, and a snack table!

Stephen: How much longer 'til we get a masseuse and a sushi chef?

AN3: QUITE a while. . .Not after I spent all this time getting the lounge and bar.

Tifa: ::sitting at the bar: Yeah, we have a bar, but we don't have a. . .bartender?

AN3: COME ON, TIFA! IT'S YOUR CALLING!

Tifa: ::sighs:: I get paid overtime!

AN3: That's fine. You don't get paid at all, anyway.

Tifa: ::grumbles and moves behind the bar::

Korus: How long until we get a stripper?

Kiro: I can be the stripper. For money.

Korus: How much?

Kiro: Five-thousand dollars an hour.

Korus: ::faints::

Kiro: He'll come to his senses and find the value in it.

AN3: Eeeeeyeaaaaaah. . .HEY! HEY! WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING?!

Andariel and Reno: ::making out on couch::

Selena: ::leering from the bar::

Tifa: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT KISSING ON THE SET?!

Reno: That only I can do that?

Tifa: . . .Fine. Only you can do that.

Reno: ::goes back to making out::

Tifa: Uh-uh-uhhh. . .ONLY you. No Andariel. No one else.

Reno: HEY! YOU NEED TWO PEOPLE!

Tifa: You were the one who fell for it. . .::goes to cleaning a glass::

Reno: ::sighs::

AN3: You know, I was taking one of those funny tests, and I think this was for personality or something, and it asked "Which one of these cereal titles best describes you in bed? Lucky Charms, Total, All Bran, Just Right, Honey Bunches of Oats, Sugar Smacks, Kix, Count Chocula, or Froot Loops.". Come on, people! Tell me!

Kiro: LUCKY CHARMS AND COUNT CHOCULA!

Cloud: Well aren't THOSE disturbing images. . .

AN3: Okay Cloud. . .Clue us in. What are YOU. . .?

Cloud: Just Right, of course.

Tifa: ::mutters:: More like, All Bran. . .

Cloud: What was that?

Tifa: NOTHING!

Cloud: Yeah, that's just because you were more like, Total. . .and Kix. . .and Sugar Smacks. . .

Tifa: Good. At least I wasn't all one thing.

Cloud: HEY!

AN3: ::laughing nervously::

Tifa: ::looks at AN3:: And what about you?

AN3: Uh, I'm still a virgin.

Tifa: Okay, then considering whatever experience you've had, what would you say? Steve?

Stephen: Um. . .Honey Bunches of Oats, I guess.

Tifa: And what about you? ::leers at AN3::

AN3: FROOT LOOPS!

Tifa: Why do you say THAT?!

AN3: BECAUSE I LOVE FROOT LOOPS! ::kisses Steve::

Steve: ::blushing red::

Everyone: ::falls over::

Tifa: WHAT did I say about-

Reno: AW, SHOVE IT! ::making out again::

AN3: Yep. I should be the only one with enough power to make the rules around here!

Tifa: Great. Our overpowered authoress is nothing but a child, and she can make the rules. SHE'S JUST A CHILD!

Korus: But looking at her body, you'd have no idea.

Tifa: ::sighs:: Interestingly enough. . .

AN3: AND I WOULDN'T QUALIFY BEING FOURTEEN A CHILD! IT'S ADOLESCENT, YOU HEAR ME?!

Cid: ::shouting from the bathroom:: I'M $)( IN HERE AND I CAN % HEAR YA'!

AN3: ::quiets down:: Thank you. Now, for the actual point of having these notes. . .

Tifa: Oh, you've already annoyed them. . .

AN3: The OTHER role of the notes.

Tifa: There's another role?!

AN3: Yep! It's to make updates, remember? Let's see, now that I'm trying to shake off my lethargy and pick up the writing pace, it seems to have come at a very interesting time. . .

Cloud: Aw, you know elections aren't interesting. . .

AN3: Of COURSE I know that! I don't care WHAT gorilla-headed dumbass leads the country this time!

Kyoko: Bush doesn't have a gorilla-head! He has a MONKEY-head!

AN3: My apologies. But at any rate, this weekend, I'm going on vacation, so I won't be writing those days, so it'll be slower updating. Next of all, I'll still need to rush writing this stuff, because I'm going on a road trip in August.

Everyone: ROOOOAAAAD TRIIIIIIIIP!

AN3: Yep! You see, it's a road trip to California, so it'll take days to get there, and I'll be spending about ten days in California, and then there's the trip back, so I'll be spending a LOT of time not writing!

Everyone who actually wants an update: AWWWWWWW!

AN3: ::sighs:: Yeah, the series for the Summer portion will need to be hastened up quite a bit. . .Oh well. It's not like I planned to span soooo many places. . .No, wait. . .Did I? I can't remember. . .

Tifa: Sometimes, with that memory, I think she's more closely related to Lucrecia, rather than Christina is. . .

Christina: ::calculating pi with Lucrecia: Huh?

Tifa: Scratch that. She's not smart enough.

AN3: WHY IS TIFA MY FAVORITE CHARACTER IF SHE'S SO MEAN TO ME?!

Vincent: It's just another mystery unsolved. . .

AN3: I guess it's true that way. . .You know, does anyone know what's up with deviant art, or is it just me? I can't upload any of my images. Well, I can, but it always says it doesn't exist afterwards. I mean, they're .JPEGs and everything, but I dunno, maybe I should try and preview them, anyway. . . Oh well, if any of you have been to my deviant art profile thing or whatever lately, that's why nothing has change. BECAUSE I CAN'T GET IT TO WORK!

Steve: Awww. . .Well then, just calm down. . .::rubs AN3's neck::

AN3: ::laughs brainlessly:: EHEHEHEHEH. . .

Tifa: Ah, so that is her weakness. . .

AN3: W-well, not really. . .

Steve: ::rolls eyes: Don't deny it. . .

AN3: ::scowls and rubs the back of his neck::

Steve: ::widely smile and tips over::

AN3: HAH!

Cloud: HAH!

Steve: ::jumps up and takes his Buster sword and runs away with it:: HA-ah-aahhh! SO. . .HEAVY!

Cloud: ::sighs::

AN3: Will you two stop fighting?! . . .Wow. I sound like Aeris.

Aeris: Catchy, isn't it?

AN3: Very.

Sky: ::lying on another couch: Nice leather. . .WHERE did you get these?!

AN3: My special authoress powers had-

Tifa: You ordered them here, and they delivered.

AN3: FINE! TAKE THE GUSTO! ::lies down and rolls over:: I wanna take a nap. . .It's what I've been doing for days, I know, but I'm just so sleepy. . .

Cloud: ::still trying to kill Steve for taking his sword::

AN3: Oh, stop that. . .It's rainy out, and I'm all tired. . .Byyyye, byyye. . .And sorry if I didn't quite get to the point in this chapter. It's in the next, because I really did just cut and paste the other half of what I had on it. ::nervously laughs:: Yeah, see ya' next chapter. . .


	5. Chapter 5: Uneasy Nights and Days p2

Chapter 5: Uneasy Nights and Days p.2

Notes: Squaresoft own FF7 and Laura is owned by LadyTifa26. Damn, these notes feel bland. . .

* * *

"Oh, is nothing sacred. . .?" Tifa muttered, two hours later from the incident, looking at the toilet seat still up from whatever guy used it last (coughKoruscough). She turned to look in the mirror, her eyes looking a little dark and her hair was messed up. Observing her slouched figure, she simply went "Unk," and shrugged, and took a complementary toothbrush out of the medicine cabinet out of its wrapper. It was smaller than her palm. Grumbling, she went to the toothpaste, and removed the security wrapper off. After applying the paste, she began scraping at her teeth vigorously with the brush, allowing it to foam and froth in her mouth, during which time she-

"HI!"

"AAAAAAACK!" Tifa nearly swallowed the pint-sized toothbrush when Yuffie jumped out from behind, popping up from below the sink and counter. She leered down at Yuffie after removing the brush.

"Oh, sorry, I couldn't help it. . . ," said Yuffie, laughing in between words. "Ew, Tif. Ya' sprayed toothpaste on the mirror."

"Yeah, I don't see HOW IT GOT THERE. . . ," said Tifa. "Yuffie, what are you doing up?"

"You woke me up, duh," said Yuffie. "Or was that Aeris. . .? Oh well, I'm up now. Whatcha doin'?!"

Tifa took one of the plastic cups and drank in water, rinsing out her mouth, then taking a towel and wiping her face off. She turned back to Yuffie. "What does it look like I'm doing?"

". . .Talking to me?" Yuffie guessed.

"Not even close. . . ," Tifa sighed.

"I know!" said Yuffie. "Getting angry?"

"Very good. . . ," said Tifa. "Why can't you just go back to sleep?"

"I dunno. . . ," said Yuffie, shrugging. "Once I'm up, I'm up. Unless I'm at school, taking a ninja lesson, or Godo is talking to me about something. So. . . What are YOU doing up?"

"I always wake up early," said Tifa casually, trying to get the toothpaste off the mirror, only causing wide streak marks now. "Ugh. . .Help please?"

"I got it covered. . . ," said Yuffie, casting some magic that made the droplets of paste spray freeze and fall right off the mirror.

Tifa cocked an eyebrow and smirked. "Easy way?" Tifa asked.

"Easy way," Yuffie acknowledged. ". . .I don't buy it when you say you wake up early."

"I do," said Tifa.

"Yeah. To make breakfast or do something like that," said Yuffie. "There's nothing to do."

"Well, uh. . . " Tifa couldn't make much of a fight for that. "I'm just, uh. . ."

"Tifa, did you sleep all night?" asked Yuffie, a little suspiciously. "Your eyes are dark. And you were tossing and turning a lot. . . .I KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU!"

Tifa paled out.

"YOU'RE CONSTIPATED!" Yuffie shouted.

Tifa fell over. "I AM NOT CONSTIPATED!"

"Oh," said Yuffie, but she squinted her eyes again. "Yeah, right, Tifa. . .You know what? You've been awfully stingy with your fiber. . ."

"I am NOT constipated. . . ," Tifa sighed.

"Okay, fine. . . ," said Yuffie. "Well then, WHAT'S UP?!"

"Aw, Yuffie, pipe down. . . ," Barret mumbled.

"Oh, he's cranky. . . ," Yuffie sighed. "What's up?"

"Nothing," Tifa said, leaning on the counter.

"Hmm. . ." Yuffie inspected Tifa's face. ". . .You're lying. Your nose does that thing when you lie. . ."

"What?! What thing?!" asked Tifa.

"Your right nostril tenses up. . . ," Yuffie said. "You're worried about something. . ."

"Am not!" Tifa denied. "First of all, I wonder if I should be worried that you stare at my nose. Next, I just wake up this early because I'm used to it! BIOLOGICAL CLOCK! BIOLOGICAL CLOCK, I SAY!

"Oh yes you are. . . ," Yuffie said airily. "You're ALWAYS worried about something, but this bugs you the most. . . I know what you're worried about!"

Tifa swallowed hard.

"Don't worry!" said Yuffie. "Aeris was in bed all night, so she didn't sleep with Cloud or anything."

"THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M WORRIED ABOUT!" Tifa shouted.

"Tifa, it's too early for a homicide. . . ," Aeris said from outside the bathroom.

"Oh, so you ARE worried about something, then. . . ," said Yuffie with a wry smile. ". . .You're worried about Rachel, aren't you!"

"NO!" said Tifa.

"I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! BOOYAH, I KNEW IT!" Yuffie began punching the air in a bit of a victory bout. "YEAH! Besides, why would you worry about Kiro?"

Bubblegum pink. That would be the color you'd say Tifa's face masked itself into when Yuffie made her conclusion. She sighed, and gave in. "You know, you can be the most annoying person on The Planet when you're right. . ."  
"But what's most important, is that I'm right," said Yuffie. "Don't worry about her. She's, well, stupid, but she can take care of herself."

Tifa gave Yuffie a skeptical look.

"Okay, well, she CAN'T take care of herself. . . ," said Yuffie. "But she doesn't like Kiro, which is a good thing. And if all else fails, she can't get pregnant, right?! OW!" Yuffie received a hit over the head from Tifa's palm. "Don't take out your aggressions on me, woman!"

Tifa shook her head and sighed. She picked up her feet and started for the door when she spoke over her shoulder. "Yuffie?"

"Aw, no need to say thanks, I-

"Keep your nose in your own business, okay?"

Yuffie had an incredulous look on her face. "Heh. Yeah. I never get any thanks around here. . .AND GETTING BEATEN UP ISN'T GREAT, EITHER!"

"Quiet down, Yuff," Cloud mumbled.

"Oh, fiiiiine. . .Don't come running to me when you need help."

"We won't. . ." mumbled Aeris, still buried in a pillow.

"HMPH!"

". . . . ." Kiro had blacked out, knocked unconscious on the ground. Which, is understandable, considering what Rachel did.

"I. . .EEH. . .AH. . ." Rachel was panting heavily, with the lamp still grasped firmly in her hands, right above her head. There was a crack in the side, which indicated where she had throttled Kiro in the face. "OOH. . .THAT'LL. . .THAT'LL TEACH YA'. . ." She fell back into her pillow. It seems the medicine didn't last as long as she thought it would. Her dizziness was coming back. She set the lamp on the table, and drifted into a haze and back off to sleep.

"Rrrrrgh. . ." Dayna was standing outside the door to the hotel room. Knocking hard three times, she heard some quick steps up to the door, and when it opened, it was Tifa standing there, with a diminutive little toothbrush poking out of her mouth.

"Raynra?" asked Tifa, with the toothbrush in her mouth. "Rut's up? Rer rearly."

"I know," said a tired looking Dayna, slouching with dark areas under her eyes. "I lost my way again. What time is it?" She strolled mindlessly in, and fell over where Tifa's spot used to be on the bed on the right side of the room, on the edge of the bed, to the left of Aeris. "Tired. . ."

Tifa pulled the toothbrush out, and spit into the sink again. "I can't ever finish brushing my teeth. . .Seven thirty," she answered. "Damn tiny little brush. . .This is what other toothbrushes eat for nourishment, is what this little thing is. . ."

"Well, I got to my apartment late, so I figured it'd be useless to sleep for fifteen minutes, and then take a stroll over here. . .," Dayna sighed into the depths of the cushion. "I was wandering around the damn city until I finally got back here."

"Why didn't you call a-

"Taxi?" Dayna completed. "I forgot. . ."

"That explains something," said Tifa.

". . .Where'd you get the shirt?" asked Dayna, looking at Tifa's oversized white shirt and then looked at the black cotton shorts the side was jauntily tucked into.

"Who knew Condrugon had a spare?" asked Tifa. "By the way, thanks."

Condrugon lifted his arm in the air, waved, and went back to sleep on the sofa.

"Some of us had to sleep in our normal clothes, which sucks, but we didn't bring anything but what was in our pockets. . .Or, at least nothing but what was on us immediately," Tifa sighed. "We're kinda like bums, vacationing together."

"I guess that's true," said Dayna. "But bums don't go to vacation in London, of all places."

Tifa sighed, and handed a picture to Dayna. It was a group picture, of everyone before the last time they were all together in the other world, and Tifa pointed to one girl in the front, and another girl in the second row.

"The one in the front is Rachel," said Tifa. "The red-head is Kiro."

"She sure stands out. . . ," said Dayna. "Hm, she looks familiar. . . And that one is Rachel? She looks nice enough. . .Maybe a little slow. . ."

"Then you are quite observant. . . ," Tifa mumbled.

"Uh. . . ," said Dayna. ". . .Why are there surefire FF7 characters in this?"

"FF7?!" asked Cloud. "Wha? Oh, that videogame?. . . .Tifa, is something wrong with her?"

Dayna's mouth dropped when she saw Cloud. "Th-the hair. . ."

"Yeah, ya' like it?" asked Cloud.

". . .YEEEEK!" When Dayna looked next to her, Aeris was lying there in her normal clothes, and so was Yuffie. "WH-WHAT'S UP WITH THIS?!"

"Uh. . . .Anime convention?" said Sky nervously.

"Um. . .okaaaaay. . . ," Dayna said. "Riiiiiight. . . . . .HOT DAMN!" She spotted Vincent in a chair. "BEST VINCENT COSPLAY, EVER!"

"Everyone says that. . . ," he sighed. ". . .Why didn't you say anything earlier before this?"

"Well, at the time, I just sort of figured it was light playing tricks on me, late at night. I've seen some clothing like that before. Weird clothing, but. . .Now it's broad daylight, there you are. . .It figures why you're dressed like that," she said to Tifa. "Doesn't quite explain your name, though. . ."

". . .Coincidence?" said Tifa.

Dayna shrugged. "Big coincidence to me."

"Is it morning, yet. . .?" asked Chikara, on the floor, under a blanket.

"The window blinds are up. Duh," said Tifa. "Come on, let's check out and look for them."

"That's nice. . . ," Chikara said sleepily, pulling the blanket over her head.

Tifa narrowed her eyes and grumbled. "Time for the Tifa alarm clock. . ."

"Tifa alarm clock?" asked Dayna. "What's tha-

"BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG!" Tifa had taken some of the cookware in the equipped kitchen and began banging on the pan she had with a hard spatula. "WAKE UP BEFORE I KICK ALL YOUR LAZY ASSES AND I MAKE YOU CLEAN THE CHOCOBOS! COME ON, HUSTLE PEOPLE, HUSTLE!"

Everyone jumped up and scattered, like a bombing raid alarm went off, beginning to line up for the bathroom and make the beds.

"Hm. The room cleaning takes care of the beds, but. . ." Tifa looked at the success of her wake-up call. "This does nicely. . . .Dayna?"

Dayna was covering her ears after standing right next to Tifa and hearing the racket.

"O-ow. . .," she said. "That hurt. . ."

"Hm, you know, your decibel level is really off the charts for so early in the morning. . . ," said Lucrecia, bobbing over to them.

"Oh, hey Lu," said Tifa. "You ready to go?"

"Yeah," Lucrecia said. "So, where do we start hunting these girls down, huh?"

"Girl hunt?!" asked Korus, spinning around.

"OH NO, NOT AFTER WHAT YOU CAUSED LAST NIGHT. . . ," said Vincent.

"Well. . . ," Tifa said. "Here we have Lucrecia, chemist and biologist, Shera the technical expert, Kiako the hacker, and Jessie, whom I am supposing is just the all-around child prodigy. . ."

"If you really knew her, she's not much of a child prodigy. . . ," said Holly, looking away innocently from Jessie.

"HEY!" Jessie shouted. "SHUT UP!"

"Anyway. . . ," Tifa continued. "With that lineup, we shouldn't have so much trouble. And if all technology fails us, we have man-power. . ." Tifa glanced in Cloud's direction.

"Man power?! Is brute strength my only attribu-

"Don't finish the sentence," said Condrugon. "She'll only agree."

"You didn't finish the sentence, and I still agree," Stephen chimed in.

"And it's true," said Condrugon. "Why are the guys only left to hunt them down manually. I say we should-

"By the way, here's what I owe you for the shirt and shorts." Tifa quickly went up to him and gave him a prolonged kiss on the cheek, and sped off to change for the bathroom.

". . ." He just didn't say a thing. Unless, of course, blinking in rapid bursts and blushing slightly speaks volumes to you.

"Heheheheheheheheheheh. . . .," laughed Mars. "'Captain no-feelings', blushed."

"I dunno. . . ," said Korus. "I envy him. . ."

Steve nodded in agreement. "Lucky bastard. . ."

"And what are we?!" asked Yuffie, next to Aeris. "Chopped liver?!"

"Of course not!" said Korus. "So Aeris, wanna go and-

"Leave me alone," said Aeris, getting up to go to the bathroom.

"AH, THE BITTERNESS OF DEFEAT!" he cried.

The guys just sort of exchanged odd glances.

"Riiiiight. . . .," said Mike. ". . . .LUCKY BASTARD!"

"AND WHAT ABOUT ME?!" shouted Yuffie. "Aw, you all suck, anyway. . ."

"JOOOOOHN JACOB JINGLE-HEIMER-

"Rachel, stop the singing. . ." Kiro sighed, waking up from her time on the floor.

"Well, I knew it'd be the only thing to wake you up. . . ," said Rachel, looking down at Kiro. "Don't we have to check-out?"

"Depends. . . ," said Kiro. "You feeling any better?" For anyone wondering, since Rachel hit her in the head, this is the sane Kiro.

"A little. The dizziness is a little better. But. . ." Rachel stood up, and then fell back on the bed. "The floor keeps speeding up and throwing me off."

"Oh, isn't that a good sign. . . ?," Kiro said. "I'll go check out. You coming?"

Rachel stood up, and balanced herself, then took the medicine. "Nyess, I shall be fine. . . ," she said in a funny voice. "Since when did the rotation of the Earth become noticeable?"

Kiro sighed, and left.

"Huh?" asked Rachel. "K-Kiro? HEY!" Rachel rushed out the door after her. "DON'T LEAVE ME STRANDED IN LONDON! HEEEY! AT LEAST LEAVE ME IN A FAMILIAR PLACE! OR WITH A FREE SNACK BAR! COME ONNN!"

"Sooooo. . . ," said Sky, wandering up to Tifa. "Where do we look first?"

They were standing in front of the hotel, waiting for instructions to where to search. And of course, as you can guess, Tifa was the coordinator, as usual.

"Laura, in which direction did you last leave them in?" asked Tifa.

"Well. . . ," said Laura, trying to get her directions straight in the middle of the busy sidewalk. "I went over there. . ." She pointed to the right. "But what if they tried to get back to the hotel? They could've skipped it, and-

"No," said Tifa. "It would mean they went further over there."

"How do you know?" asked Laura.

"Rachel," Tifa said flatly, implying that if Rachel were the one leading the search back to the hotel, she'd only get farther away.

"Oh. . . ," said Laura, coming upon the implication. "Right. But. . .why don't we just conduct a search for wherever Rachel and Kiro would most likely-. . ." Laura cut herself off.

"What?" asked Tifa. "What's up?"

Laura just stood and blinked for a second. "Um, sorry. When I was about to say where they most likely would be, I had very bad images."

Tifa sighed. "So I suppose everyone guesses that when we find Rachel, she won't be the same."

Everyone nodded.

"Ick," said Surka. "Icky, ick, ick. . .Ick."

"But. . . ," Tifa sighed. "I'm still waiting for an idea from our little group of geniuses. . ." She turned to Lucrecia, Jessie, Kiako, and Shera. ". . .Ideas, anyone?"

"Well. . . ," said Lucrecia. "As for me, I have an idea, but it's quite slim. . .And very, very tedious. Tifa, I'll need your PHS."

She gave an odd look to Lucrecia. "Uh. . .my PHS?" Tifa went into her pocket and pulled out her black PHS. "Here." She held out her hand as Lucrecia took it rather gingerly, examining it.

"Have you used this recently?" asked Lucrecia, focused on the red item.

"No," said Tifa. "The last time I used it was when we went to the Shinra building. It has a full battery. . .But why would you need it? I've tried calling Rachel. No signal."

"You'll see," said Lucrecia with a wink. "Kiako, I'll need your laptop. . .And Shera and Jessie? Both of you are good with technical stuff and electronics, right?"

Shera and Jessie both nodded.

"You know me. . . ," said Jessie, vainly. "I'm so brilliant, I can't even stand it."

"Or maybe you're just so dumb you're brilliant, and we can't stand it," Holly suggested.

"HEY!"

"And they're friends?" asked Tifa.

"Good," said a happy Lucrecia. "Now, I'll need a fire materia, an ice materia, lightning materia, a hammer, screwdriver, and lots and lots of time."

Yuffie pulled out each of the requested materia, and then a fistful of the same kind of other materia.

"Uh, Yuffie?" asked Lucrecia. "What's all these?", she asked when receiving the other fistful.

"What?" asked Yuffie. "You said you needed a lot of Time right?"

They all fell over, flat.

"That's not what I meant, Yuffie. . .," Lucrecia sighed. "But, it's a very good idea. . . Tifa, your Silver Bangle, if you please. . ."

Tifa took off the silver bracelet at her wrist, and gave that to Lucrecia as well.

"Now," said Lucrecia. "Leave us alone for quite a little bit, and I'll try out my idea. As for the rest of you. . . track them down."

"This will take awhile. . . ," Cloud sighed. "I'd suggest that everyone take a different direction. We all still have our PHS's, right? If we find anything, we'll call each other."

"Finally, a brilliant strategy from Cloud," said Tifa. "What took you so long?"

"Hey!" said Cloud. "I thought you had it all under control!"

"Because you weren't coming up with a thing, genius," said Tifa. "We don't have time to argue. Everyone ready? Let's head out."

"Oh, wonderful," said Rachel, coughing. "We don't have room, board, a place to go, friends, or a dime."

"Of course we don't have a dime," said Kiro. "This is England. They don't use U.S.-

"Don't make jokes. . . ," Rachel sighed. "We're broke and there's nothing to it." They were currently wandering the streets, looking for Laura and the rest, and Rachel was hunched over, still sick.

"But, we're not broke. . . ," said Kiro with a smirk.

". . . YOU DID SELL YOUR SOUL, DIDN'T YOU?!" asked Rachel.

"NO!" Kiro barked, and then sighed. "Come on, we're gonna go ahead and actually not have a hellish time."

"What do you-AHHH!" Kiro, who had hopped into the back, pulled Rachel into a taxi.

"Hey driver," said Kiro. "What's the most expensive hotel you know?"

"By expensive, you mean the best?" asked the driver.

"You got it!" said Kiro.

"I don't know many hotels, and they're all full up by this time of year. . . ," he said, pondering the question. ". . .But I do know a nice place."

"All right, we'll go wherever that is!" Kiro said. ". . .Where would that be?"

The driver pulled out into the street from his parked position. "South Kensington!"

"Whoaaa!" There was a bit of a jolt that pulled Rachel to the left when the driver rounded the corner. "Kiro, I thought we were broke!"

"Nope!" shouted Kiro.

"Then where did you get the-AHHH!" There was another sharp turn. "WHY DO I ALWAYS GET THESE KIND OF DRIVERS, HUH?!"

"Yep, yep. . . ," Mike sighed, walking with his group, consisting of Stephen, Kami, and Christina. "Here we are, in London, WITHOUT A CENT!"

"That figures," said Stephen. "That's because they use pounds and-

"SHUT UP. . . ," said Mike. "I know that. It's a figure of speech."

"We should probably find some way to get money," said Christina. "We just need an idea."

"Idea?" asked Kami. "I doubt there are people offering jobs just for the afternoon. . ."

"I have one," said Christina. "Street performer."

"Hmm. That's different," said Mike. "Where'd you get that idea?"

"Over there." Christina pointed to Kristi, playing the guitar on the corner, with people throwing a ton of money into her guitar case.

"Is she playing 'Dueling Banjos'?!" asked Stephen. ". . .But who's the banjo?!"

Mike looked a little over, past the crowd. ". . .I think she's just playing along with some other performer. . ." There was this middle-aged guy with a banjo, playing the other part with her.

"She's raking in cash. . . ," said Kami. ". . .But do we even have any talent to show off?"

"Uh. . . . ," Christina was thinking hard. ". . .Mike, you're a duelist, aren't you?"

"I think people would be alarmed to see a guy with rifles in the middle of the street," said Mike.

". . . Christina, you-

"I'm not talking to any raccoons," she said, cutting Stephen off. "It would be humiliating for them."

"Come on, I think some of them would like a little spotlight," said Mike.

"And how many raccoons do you suppose there are in London? And in broad daylight?"

"We know you can call them. . . ," said Kami.

"We've seen it before," said Mike.

"And we need the money," said Stephen.

"That, and I'm sure people would like to see a pretty girl talk to animals, right?" asked Mike.

Christina gave a defeated sighed, and tilted her head up when she strolled into an alley. Making a familiar hiss, the guys looked around, noticing the trashcans shuffle a little. There was movement on the rooftops. Before they knew it, there were about a dozen raccoons coming into the alleyway.

"How many did you have to call?!" asked Mike.

"I just made a noise that called them from about a three-mile radius," said Christina. "Wonderful how fast they are. Although, these aren't all the ones I've just called. . .You can't run three miles, lickity-split."

"Well, now that we have an act. . . ," said Stephen. "Let's go test this out."

"Thank you, thank you!" said Kristi, taking a bow, after finishing up her act. "Here." She gave half the money to the man who was playing the banjo. "You get half."

"I only asked for about a quarter. . . ," said the middle-aged man, who sat on an old stool with his banjo, in a torn up shirt and dirty jeans.

"You get more, because it's not every day you find a blind homeless dude who can play a banjo," said Kristi. She put half the pounds and shillings into his banjo case, and stood up. "I've got enough money. See ya'!"

The man waved his good-bye as she ran off, and she found her way to her own search group, with Mars, Sky, and Andariel.

"Not bad," said Sky. "How much do we have?"

"Loads. . . ," said Kristi, opening her case. "For that large a crowd and five songs. . . We have about two-hundred pounds, give or take five shillings."

"That's really good for such a short street performance. . . ," said Sky.

"And I like 'Dueling Banjos'," said Mars.

". . . .Why do we have him in the group?" asked Andariel. "He hardly has any mental functions."

"Hey!" said Mars. "I have mental functions! I have plenty of mental functions! See me! I'm functioning with mentality! Give me some credit, huh?!" He began jumping up and down ridiculously.

"Fine, you have mental functions, now stop acting like a freaking jackass!" said Andariel. "Now that we have money, who wants to just take a bus and look?"

"I'm all for that. . . ," said Sky. "Just that I thought we should ask people and be thorough." She received a lot of skeptical stares. "NAW! OF COURSE WE'RE NOT GOING TO DO THAT! I'M BEAT!"

"Thought so. . . ," Andariel said. "If you don't want to do the job, do a half-assed job."

"You said I shouldn't act like an a-

"YES, WHATEVER!" said Andariel, cutting Mars short. "Let's go and find a damn bus. . ."

"Uh, uh, uhhhh. . . ," said Mars. "Come on, say it with a smiiiiiile. . ."

Andariel just scowled.

"Someone's not a happy ray of sunshine. . . ," he said. "We're in London, come on, happy is-

"I DON'T CARE IF I'M NO #$( RAY OF SUNSHINE!" Andariel yelled. "STOP BEING AN ASS, AND GO!" She shoved everyone to a bus stop. "Jackass. . ."

"Here ya' go," said the driver.

Kiro handed him the money, and the taxi sped off.

They stood in front of four town houses with white columned fronts, appearing quaint and much, MUCH better than their former place. Walking up to what appeared to be the lobby, they pushed open the doors and entered, to see the desk where they were to be able to get their room.

"Hey there," said Kiro, approaching the desk. "Any open rooms?"

"We in fact, have on left. . . ," said the desk clerk, looking at Kiro with a smile past her glasses. "But. . .it's the most expensive one left, at about three-hundred."

"ABA BEBO, BYAAAA, GLAH, GLAH, GLAAAAAAH. . . ," Rachel spouted, her eyes dilating and taking a step back. "Th-three-hundred?!" she asked, her voice cracking. "Kiro, are you insa-

"We'll take it," said Kiro calmly. "I'm not one-hundred percent sure how long we're going to stay, however. . ."

"That's fine," said the desk clerk. "That room isn't booked yet, but I'd suspect it will be in about a week."  
"And I'm positive that we won't have to stay that long," said Kiro.

The clerk took the keys to their room out of under the counter, and handed it to Kiro, then waved and said, "You have the second house down, on the top floor, overlooking the garden. Have a pleasant stay!"  
"Hey Kiro. . . ," said Rachel. ". . .ARE YOU INSANE, HUH?!"

"If insanity is the equivalent of brilliance, then yes, I've lost my marbles," said Kiro with a smug grin. "So Rachel, feeling any better?"

"Not only is the floor revolving, the chairs look so mutated, every one resembles my dead grandmother, but after having a short coronary, I'm SURE I feel better. . . ," Rachel grumbled. "Tell me, would they charge us more if I threw up right here?"

"Maybe. . . ," said Kiro, now looking at the houses, and entering the second one, with Rachel following. "But you should stop whining. This is a vacation!"

"THIS, is a FIASCO. . . ," Rachel grumbled. "The world looks like I'm on drugs, I'm actually following you into a room ALONE, which probably means I AM on drugs, Laura is in the wrong hemisphere right now, and I'm sure once Tifa finds us, I'm dead."

"Oh Rachel. . . ," Kiro sighed, walking up the wooden stairs. "At least when you're dead, you won't feel sick!"

"I LOATHE YOU. . . ," Rachel growled.

"And I love you too, Rachel," said Kiro in a cutesy voice. "Come on, you can lie down in the room."

"Hopefully not with you on top of me. . .," Rachel muttered.

"Fine. . . ," Kiro sighed. "If you want to be on top, that's good, too."

"AHHH! SHUT UP, NOW!" shouted Rachel, bent over and covering her ears. "My purity isn't going to last. . .meep. . ."

"So, how much of this place have we check out?" asked Laura, standing around the spot she last saw Rachel.

"I wouldn't know," Tifa shrugged. "You positive this is where you last saw dunderhead?"

"Yep," said Laura, looking far off to where the street vendor was. "She ran over there. . ."

"All the way over there?!" asked Tifa. "She sure has some damn good vision. . . And yet strangely, nothing is apparent to her."

"I'm taking that Rachel is an air-head," said Dayna, right behind them.

"She can be a happy air-head, an angry air-head, a temperamental air-head, a spacey air-head, a stupid air-head, and then she can be surprisingly down to Earth," said Tifa, thinking about it for a moment. ". . .Yeah, she can be an air-head."

"Shall we plow on further?" asked Laura. "At any moment, Rachel could set fire to a building. . .Or a gas line. . ."

"Oh so much hope you hold in your friend, eh?" asked Tifa.

"Rachel is. . . ," said Laura. ". . .Klutzy. She wouldn't intend to, she'd just drop a match."

"Or maybe she'd want to check the difference between flammable and inflammable," said Tifa, continuing to walk down the sidewalk. "Come on, I don't feel like dying a very painful death in flaming, fiery doom."

"Rachel, lie down."

"No."

"Lie down."

"No!"

"LIE DOWN!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Rachel screamed, while Kiro was ordering the sick girl to lie down. "I DON'T TRUST YOU!"  
"Tifa's at the door."

"YEEEK!" Rachel immediately hopped into the nicely sized hotel bed, under the sheets. ". . .Hey. . .This IS nicer than the last place. . ."

"I should've tipped the driver more, then. . .NAW!" said Kiro. "Now, take the medicine."

"NO!"

"Tifa."

"WHERE IS IT?!" Rachel shouted again, grabbing the medicine and practically chugging it down.

"HEY, YOU'RE GONNA KILL YOURSELF IF YOU DO THAT!" said Kiro, grabbing the plastic bottle of translucent purple medicine.

"Ick," said Rachel, her face all scrunched up. "Purple-flavored. . ."

"You mean GRAPE," said Kiro.

"I like the orange-flavor, better. . .," said Rachel.

"You mean orange. . .Oh," said Kiro. "I forgot about that."

Rachel sighed, and slouched. "If there were any way to scare your children with monsters, all you have to say is "Eat all your vegetables, or Tifa Lockheart will find you and kick your ass."."

"You're being too mean to her on that. . . ," said Kiro, taking a seat across from Rachel and putting up her legs on a footrest. "She can be scary. . .And angry. . .And she once put a hole in the wall. . ." Kiro was looking back into her memories. ". . .Oh, I see your point."

"Thank you. . . ," said Rachel. "I wish not to be the only one afraid of her. . ." She slumped into the sheets, and had that hazy feeling again. "Crap. I think I get disoriented when I lie down."

"And you can't sleep standing up," said Kiro. "Close your eyes."

"No."

"Close them."

"No!"

"Tifa."

She shut her eyes immediately. "DAMN YOU!"

"AHHHHHH!" A raccoon was attacking Stephen. "HELP MEEEEEEEE!"

"I TOLD you not to make it angry!" shouted Christina, pulling the animal off his face. They were standing on a corner of the road, drawing quite a crowd with the troupe of raccoons they managed to gather. ". . .Why raccoons? I can speak cat, too."

"This will be enough. . . ," said Mike. "What can you make them do?"

"Well. . . ," said Christina, thinking about it. "I can make them do about anything, including attacking people, robbing people, climbing people, and miscellaneous other tricks. . .Jump through hoops, that sort of stuff."

"Hmm. . . ," went Mike, thinking about it.

"It works well as a petting zoo, that's for sure. . .," said Steve, looking at a little girl play with one. "I'll never get these scratches off my face. . ."

Christina held out her arm and called for one, and it immediately climbed up to her arm, when someone came up and talked to her.

"Tell me, can you talk to them?" asked a girl.

"Sure, can't you?" asked Christina.

"Christina. . . ," said Mike. "Nobody can speak raccoon. . ."

"Why not?" asked Christina, puzzled by that. Her head shifted, and she made this sudden bark. A dog with soft brown hair and looking rather large in stature came running up to her. She barked again and made some motions with her head towards the raccoons, and the dog went up to the raccoons now, actually picking them up on its back and seemingly given them a ride. "The one he's carrying has an injured foot, so I asked him if he'd help it out. . ."

"Awwww. . . ," said Steve. "It's carrying the tiny raccoon in its mouth. . ."

Everyone went staring at him.

"WHAT?!" he asked. "IS IT SO WRONG TO GO "AWWW"?!"

"Only if you want to be regarded as a man," said Mike.

"Shall we get this thing assembled already?" asked Christina. "We're never going to get any money just standing around here. . ."

"THANK YOU, THANK YOU!" shouted Yuffie. "TOSS YOUR MONEY RIGHT HERE!"

Standing in the middle of the street was Surka, her head tilted, obviously a little irritated by the show. "I can't believe we are so desperate for money. . .Why don't you just steal some?!"

"Tifa said she'd kick my ass, that's why," said Yuffie. "Get ready for another show, all right?"

Surka growled. As you can guess, she was the attraction.

"COME ON OVER HERE, FOR THE BEST SHOW YOU'VE EVER SEEN, FOLKS!" Yuffie shouted. "THIS YOUNG GIRL OVER HERE IS THE MOST TALENTED SWORDWOMAN THIS SIDE OF. . .of. . .What was the name of that place again, Holly?"

"Japan," said Holly. "Surka's sword style resembles the Japanese with talented vertical strikes."

"YES, THAT'S IT!" Yuffie continued. "THIS SIDE OF JAPAN!"

There was an entire ring of people around them. The crowd was eager to see what Surka would do next, but it was just apparent that Surka was trying to contain her temper.

"Come on, Surka. . . ," said Holly. "Yuffie can't steal, and well, as if I'm going to do this."

"Fine. . ." she sighed, taking out her dual-edge sword again. "Throw it."

"ALL RIGHT, YUFFIE! TOSS ANOTHER ONE!" Holly yelled.

Yuffie picked up a roughly cut block of wood, and threw it twenty-feet above Surka's head, when Surka smashed it in one hit, appearing to have made a strike to cute right through it, and after the splinters were hitting the ground, with her other hand, she caught the wood, now in the shape of a little Gundam.

"I can't believe I've been reduced to cutting little toy figures with my sword. . .," Surka growled.

"Why are they throwing money at me?" asked Cloud. "I'm not doing anything."

"Put your shirt back on, Cloud. . . ," Aeris sighed.

"My Cloud senses are tingling," said Rachel, snapping awake. "I sense people are ogling him!"

"Tell me, do your Cloud senses tell you where he is right now?" asked Kiro, sitting on the couch in front of the bed.

Rachel sniffed the air. "He's twenty miles northeast."

"You can really tell?!" Kiro asked, astounded.

"No, I was just pulling your chain."

Kiro fell over with a thud. "Don't do that!"

"Well, I COULD detect him. . . ," said Rachel. "Just I have a stuffy nose right now."

". . .Uh-HUH," said Kiro. "Riiiiight. . . ."

"Um. . .Kiro?" asked Rachel. "What's with all the-

"Silver platters?" Kiro said, completing her sentence. "Room service."

"And, HOW much did you pay exactly?"

"I'd say another one-hundred pounds," said Kiro.

"UHWHAAAAAAAAAAA?!" asked Rachel, sitting up next to the headboard. "KIRO, IF YOU'RE HOLDING OUT ON ME, I SWEAR-

"Oh Rachel, would I EVER hold out on you?" asked Kiro, with a sly smile, squinting her eyes like a fox.

"Ew. Please. Stop with the innuendoes before I die of hearing them, instead on dying from this cold. And more than likely, I'll die of the innuendoes."

"Don't you love me, Rachelllll?" asked Kiro. "Come on, it's been an eternity since I got some loviiiinnnnn'. . .Oh wait, no it hasn't."

This time, Rachel fell over. "Ugh. . .Anyway, while I'm up, I might as well get out of bed. . ."

"Up? You're on the floor," said Kiro.

"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!" said Rachel.

"At any rate, you're not getting up," said Kiro. "That's final."

"I'M GETTING UP!"

"YOU'RE NOT GETTING UP!"

"I'M GOING!"

"NO YOU'RE NOT!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"OH MY GOD, LOOK OVER THERE! IS THAT CLOUD?!"

"I'm not that-OW!" Rachel, while trying to say she wasn't that stupid, apparently didn't even have fast enough reflexes to dodge Kiro's blow to the neck, sending her unconscious.

"Okay, you're not that's stupid. You're just slow. HAH! I MADE A PUN!" said Kiro, walking to the door. "Eh, yeaaaaah. . .I'm really losing my comedic tendencies. . ."

"I HUUUUUNGYYYYYY!" Chikara moaned, lying face down on the sidewalk.

"AHHH! GET UP!" said Keily, with B.T.

"NOOOOOO!"

"Dear GOD. . . ," B.T. sighed, arms on her hips and looking down at the poor girl. "Is food the only thing you care about?"

"That, and global warming. . . ," said Chikara, her voice muffled by the cement.

"People are staring. . . ," said Keily.

"Okay, let them come and stare. . .Just make sure they bring a pizza," Chikara said. "Preferably with mushrooms and pepperoni."

"Mushrooms make me queasy. . .," said Keily.

"No way, they're good!"

"WHY ARE WE WORRYING ABOUT MUSHROOMS?!" asked B.T. "Come on, stand up, and we'll get a pizza."

"We're broke, though," said Keily.

"Ugh. . . ." B.T. quickly turned around where a random passer-by was, hastily lifted her shirt and put it down again, and the man who was there blinked a few times, handed her some money, and stumbled off again, with this spacey grin. "There."

"Uhhhhhhh. . . .," went both Keily and Chikara. "Well. . .That was new. . ."

"AHHHHH! I CAN'T STOOOP!", shouted Kyoko, driving a trolley downtown. "NOR CAN I STOP GLOBAL WARMING (Yes, for some reason I can't get that out of my head.) OR THE RECESSION! THUS KYOKO FALLS PREY TO THE MERCILESS LAW OF INERTIA!"

"Kyoko, step on the brakes," said the man, dressed in a uniform for the normal drivers. "You're stepping on the gas. Are you sure you can drive?"

"Oh," said Kyoko, stepping on the brakes, a little past the sign for the first stop. "Yeah, I uh, just can't er, HONEST MISTAKE! WANNA SEE THE LICENSE AGAIN?!"

"No, that's fine. . . ," said the driver. ". . .Although, you look a little young to be twenty, like on the license."

"Eheheheheh. . . ," she laughed nervously. "Um. . .It's genetic."

"Whatever," he said. "Why do I always have to show the new guys the route for this thing, huh. . .?" he grumbled.

"Ugh, what I do for money. . .," Kyoko sighed. ". . .AHHH! IT WON'T MOVE!"

"Now you're pressing on the brakes," he said.

"Oh. I KNEW THAT!" she exclaimed.

"And I always get stuck with the know-it-alls that know nothing. . ."

"Do they use the old, outdated term 'square' for a dull, uncool person because it's the 'circle' of popular people, and that squares don't fit into circles?" asked Chikara, with a pizza slice hanging out of her mouth.

"First of all, DON'T EAT LIKE THAT!" said B.T. "And next of all, what brought that up?"

"I dunno."

"God, smite me now. . . DAMMIT!", B.T. shouted, after finding she wasn't dead. "God never listens. . ."

"He listens, but does he answer. . .?" said Chikara, in a mystic tone, making strange hand motions and doing funny movements with her eyebrows, over the pizza they were eating in a restaurant. "Maybe it's for the best, child. . ."

"THAT'S IT, NO MORE PIZZA FOR YOU! It makes you stranger than normal. . ."

"NOOO, MY PIZZA!"

"For some reason, I feel normal with these two. . . ," said Keily, looking at both of them. "Wouldn't you say so, Mr. Stumpy?" She lifted her right hand to show a little rubber finger puppet with two hands, two eyes, a pirate hat and a beard. "Yeah, I thought so. I want a doughnut, too. Want some pizza instead?" She held a slice of pizza up to its mouth, when its hand fell off, onto the floor. "Mr. Stumpy! You lost weight!"

"Shoot me, please," said B.T., looking at her after the little argument with Chikara. "Morons. . ."

". . . Lemon drops. . . ," said Rachel, opening her eyes again. "What's the point of going to sleep if you keep waking up every half-hour?" She sat up and rubbed her eyes, and looked for a sign of Kiro. ". . .I don't know whether I should be happy that she's finally gone, or worried that if I die in the middle of London, nobody will cremate me and sprinkle me over the parking lot of Squaresoft." She stood up from the bed, and looked out over the balcony into the large garden in the back. Unmistakably sat Kiro, sitting beside a table, feet propped up, lounging about in what looked like. . .a bathrobe. "Oh GOD. . ."

"AHAHAAAA! GENIUS!" shouted Lucrecia, sitting with the rest of the team in Trafalgar Square, with some onlookers while they were fusing together pieces of electrical equipment with materia.

"You sure it's fine for us to use this?" asked Shera, holding up some Time materia. "If people see us moving at increased speeds, I think they'll be a little worried."

"Oh, it's fiiiiine. . ." said Lucrecia. "If not, I can JUST use Time on them to stop them, so we can speed up, and they'll hardly realize a thing!"

"I got Tifa on the horn," said Kiako, talking into her PHS.

"Uh, how?" asked Jessie. "That's her PHS you're talking into."

"I called Laura, and had her give it to Tifa."

"Oh."

"Tifa?" asked Kiako.

"What?" asked Tifa on the other end. "What's up?"

"How far away are you from Trafalgar Square?"

"Uh, hold on. . . .Dayna says she estimates about twenty-five miles."

"Good," said Lucrecia, looking at Shera and Jessie who are hooking up equipment, and augmenting them to fit into a port at the back of Kiako's laptop.

"FIRE THIS SUCKER UP, BABY!" shouted Jessie, using Fire 2 on a wire, trying to connect it with another. "AHAHAAA!"

"Lucrecia, we might have an even madder scientist. . . ," said Shera.

"Madder than me? NEVER!" said Lucrecia, again, very happily. "Got that coat hanger?"

"Yep," said Shera, who had managed to untwist it, and bend it as straight as she could. "Untwisting that was murder. . .Why did you want it straight?"

"Better reception," said Lucrecia.

"If we're finding the reception into Rachel's brain signals, you won't find it. There are no brain signals," said Kiako. "And, if we're looking for Kiro's brain signals, then my laptop will be flooded with porn."

"Oh, nothing of the sort," said Lucrecia. "I'm not even one-hundred percent sure we have the technology to do that with what we've got. However, we do have busted equipment salvaged from the trash, that can be used for one thing."

"What?" asked Shera.

"Oh, that's a surprise. . . ," said Lucrecia. "You'll see."

"Kiro, Kiro. . . ," muttered Dayna, looking at the picture. ". . .I'VE GOT IT!"

"What?" asked Tifa.

"No, wait, I lost it again."

Tifa made a loud thud on the sidewalk.

"Ah yes! I've seen her before," Dayna said, recalling back to the previous night. "I ran into her somewhere I think north of here. . .In a bit of a rundown place. In front of a motel."

"OH DEAR SWEET JESUS. . . ," said Laura, clenching her eyes shut. "BAD IMAGES! AHHHH!"

"She was outside the motel, ALONE, apparently," said Tifa. "Don't jump to conclusions. Anyway, if Kiro really did manage to, Rachel would've jumped off a bridge."

"I remember she was in a bit of a hurry, though," said Dayna, finishing her recollection.

"Which is exactly what we should be in," said Tifa. "Come on, you said north, right?"

"START IT UP!" After all this work, Lucrecia and the rest had assembled a series of cables and wires, connected them to the PHS and Kiako's laptop, and had affixed the straightened hanger onto the top of the laptop, and Jessie had bent over to start up the machine. Using more materia, a spark was emitted from her finger, and onto an open wire, and she kept it there, while Kiako was typing commands into a system, and seemingly hacking into another.

"I wonder if the government realizes I'm hacking into their satellite. . .Oh well, it's a U.S. satellite, not the English, so we're safe! . . .Sorta," said Kiako. "How's this work again?"

"This is a preliminary test. . . ," said Lucrecia, looking with the rest into the laptop monitor. "The test will be to track down Laura, Tifa, and Dayna by way of their PHS signal. With any luck, we can find Rachel's faded out signal with the tracking satellite, and pinpoint her location."

"I got something. . . ," said Kiako. She switched views to another program she was running, giving her a little map for a layout of the city, and on the screen appeared the little chibi icon of Laura's head on one of the streets, moving north.

"Aw, that's cuuuuute. . . ," said Jessie, pointing to the little icon.

"But isn't it?" said Kiako. "I AM THE TRUE GENIUS!"

"NO YOU'RE NOT! I WAS THE ONE WHO HOOKED UP MOST OF THE EQUIPMENT!"

"A FIVE YEAR OLD COULD DO THAT!"

"YEAH, WELL YOU JUST CAN'T ADMIT THAT YOU CAN'T ASSEMBLE EQUIPMENT AS BRILLIANTLY AS I CAN!"

"CIDDY-PIE WOULD SAY I'M BETTER!"

"CLOUDY-KINS WOULD SAY I'M EVEN BETTER THAN THAT!"

"And Vincent would probably just say something under his breath about his ears bleeding from the noise and cover them. . . Maybe something thrown in about Hell," said Lucrecia, with an almost thoughtful expression. "Stop the fighting, all right? The preliminary was a success, so we can try and track down Rachel. . ."

"AHHHHH! THE RAAAACCCOOOOOOOONS!"  
"You got them angry again, Steve. . . ," said Christina, watching one latch onto his face again. "I can't believe you stepped on one. . ."

"I CAN'T HELP IF THEY'RE UNDERFOOT! GAAAAH, THAT'S MY EEEYYYYYE!" he screamed.

"I like them. . . ," said Mike, petting one on his head.

"And, people are enjoying this public display of violence," said Christina, having money thrown at them by the entertainment that Steve was apparently providing with all the raccoons attacking him. "They think it's an act."

"I DIDN'T KNOW BLEEDING WAS PART OF THE ACT!" Steve screamed. "OWWW! THAT'S GONNA LEAVE A MARK! HEY! NOT THE HAIR! OW!"

"Should we help him?" asked Mike, watching Steve's little predicament.

"It's getting us money, so we'll help eventually," Christina replied, watching as well. "Or until he suffers enough blood loss that he collapses. PLAY DEAD, STEVE! THEY'LL GO AWAY!"

"I think he IS dead. . .," said Mike, kicking his carcass, while, ironically enough, people were still thinking it's an act and clapping and throwing money.

"No, he's just passed out. . . ," she said, kicking with him. ". . .So, wanna make-out?"

"Sure," Mike shrugged. Ah yes, and thus is carried the fine tradition of making out while another one of your friends lie face down on the hot cement in the middle of a cheering crowd, bleeding to death from being attacked by animals. A wonderful ritual.

"Kiro, have any thought to that strutting around in a robe could terminally blind people?" asked Rachel, meeting Kiro at her table.

"Certainly didn't blind those guys hitting on me. . . ," she said, waving back to a pair of guys who were waving to her from another table. "And anyway, they're really comfortable. Too bad you didn't get your own robe and come down, eh?"

"MY robe? What?"

"Comes with the room, child," said Kiro, looking into a newspaper. "Hey, this makes me feel kinda old. . ."

"WHERE did you get that?"

"Bought it," said Kiro.

"WHERE IS THIS SUPPLY OF MONEY-

"Ooh, my tea is here. . .," said Kiro, as a waiter set it neatly on the table, beside her feet, which were still propped up there. "Mm, Earl Grey. . .," she said, taking a sip. "Want some?"

"Now I know how Tifa feels when she tries to reason with me. . .," Rachel sighed. "Tired and exasperated. . .Or is that just the illness?"

"Tea is good for yooouu. . . ," said Kiro, waving it around in front or Rachel's face. "Just you need to get your own because I don't want your icky cold germs."

"You KISSED me, and I was still sick."

"Well, I might as well not push my luck, right?!" Kiro reasoned. "Come, sit, and be merry! Spend the day with Kiro!"

"It's like a horror movie I'll never get out of. . . ," Rachel muttered. "A horror/porn movie. . ."

"Oh Rachel, you can't possibly feel that way. . . ," said Kiro. "NOT WHEN I'VE BEEN TRYING TO BE GOOD ALL DAY! I mean, you and me, in a room together, I COULD MAKE A WOMAN OUT OF YOU, YOU KNOW!"

"I THINK I LIKE BEING A CHILD!" Rachel shouted.

"RACHEL, IN ORDER TO BE A COMPLETE HUMAN BEING, YOU MUST EXPLORE EVERY TERRITORY! INCLUDING MINE!"

"I'D RATHER SLEEP WITH MARS!"

"Hot damn, my sex-o-meter just moved up a scale," said Mars. "I can feel it. .. However, it also seems to feel like statutory rape."

"Ew, you can't be serious, can you?" asked Kiro. "It's not that he's ugly, but. . .He's just. . .a little eccentric."

"Well, at least he is a HE," said Rachel. "I told you, I do NOT swing that way!"

"I take converts!" said Kiro. "LET ME CONVERT YOU!"

"AHHH! I LIKE THINKING STRAIGHT!"

"Was that supposed to be a pun?"

"You started it. It's very catchy."

"Hey, you," Laura, Tifa, and Dayna had finally found their way north enough to where the motel was, and were asking around for signs of the red-haired sex fiend on the loose. "Seen this girl?" Dayna held out the picture, and the man they were asking scowled.

"I think I might've," said the man, sitting on a porch nearby the motel. "Ask some of the people upstairs." He pointed into the building, obviously some sort of apartments, and they sighed, and began to knock on doors.

"MUAHAHAAA!" Lucrecia laughed, while they started up the new search for the two with the satellite. "NOW, TO FIND RACHEL!"

"Why not Kiro? Doesn't she have a PHS?" asked Kiako.

"I remember Tifa destroyed it after she found out it was her making prank calls to her PHS," said Lucrecia. "So, not anymore."

"I'm starting it up. . .," said Jessie, sending a jolt of electricity through it again. "Kiako again hacked into the satellite and opened the map program to track them, and looked very closely. ". . .I've got nothing."

"Ah, crap. . . ," sighed Lucrecia. "The only hope now is that if she can get her signal amplified. . . Keep searching for her. By some dumb way, she can probably do it. . ."

"Why can't we just call them?" asked Kiro, after a few minutes of silence.

"Because, I can't get a good signal. What's weird is that you could call these people from anywhere in the World Map, and you'd get them loud and clear, and here in ONE city, you can't get a thing!"

"Maybe it's because there are so many signals in this city, there's too much interference," said Kiro. "I'm guessing that in the World Map, there was hardly anyone, so. . ."

". . .Why do we call it the World Map? WHY DON'T THEY JUST DESIGNATE THE AREA WITH A NAME?! I LIVE THERE FOR SIX MONTHS, AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW THE NAME!" Rachel exclaimed. "Oh whatever, I'm not good with any type of geography. . . Hey, why don't YOU call them?"

"Tifa broke mine after hunting me down. She found out I was the one making all those weird calls to her. Funny, though," Kiro said, shrugging. "I got a few nasty scars from that. . ."

"What I think is sort of ironic is that Tifa really didn't brutalize me after chasing me down, but that I hurt myself just running and dodging obstacles, and when she finally caught me, all she did was drag me off. . .So was that really her causing me to hurt myself, or am I just stupid?" Rachel asked.

". . .Stupid," said Kiro.

"And is it any wonder I don't like you?" asked Rachel.

"Fine, you're not stupid, just intellectually challenged," said Kiro.

"Thank you. . . .What did you say? What's that mean, huh?" Rachel asked cluelessly.

"It means nothing!", said Kiro, laughing nervously. "ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!"

"Uh-HUH. You're weird, Kiro," said Rachel. ". . .I'm feeling better. Can I just-

"No, because I'm not going to let you burn down the city. You can't go by yourself. And anyway, WHO has the money. . .?"

"Another question. Where DID you get th-

"LET'S GO, NO MORE QUESTIONS!", shouted Kiro, pulling Rachel by the arm and tugging her off.

"BUT WHERE-

"NO MORE QUESTIONS! COME ON! WE'RE GOING SHOPPING!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"I heard you found something," said Cid, walking to the group in Trafalgar Square. "So, what's the (&#$% breakthrough?"

"CUDDLECAKES!" shouted Kiako, jumping up and glomping him, much to his chagrin. "MISS ME, SUGARLOVE?!"

"Oh GAWD. . . ," he sighed, not even trying anymore to pry her off, due to the futility of all prior attempts.

"Ah yes. . . ," said Lucrecia, adjusting her glasses. "We need to find some way to locate Rachel. Or, at least cause something to amplify the frequency of her PHS signal to track her down. Do you have any ideas, Cid?"

"Yeah," he said. "We can leave her stranded with that horny girl."

"CID!" said Shera, giving him a glare. "We want to FIND her, not leave her alone with her nightmare."

"There are ways to pick up her signal. . .Exactly how weak is it?" he asked.

"I'd suspect with what we're using now, we won't be able to find her unless she's within a mile of us," said Jessie. "Although, I think that's pretty good, considering our antenna is a HANGER. . ."

"Okay, I have an idea," said Cid. "Kiako? Kiako?! KIAKO!"

"YES, SCHOOPIE?!" asked Kiako in a shrill, overly excited tone of voice, cracking with enthusiasm. "WHAT IS IT YOU DESIRE?!"

"Uh. . .Can you hack into a communications satellite?" he asked.

"Yeah, but I can't be in two satellites at once. . .," she sighed.

"What?" he asked with confusion.

"We've already hacked into a tracking satellite," said Lucrecia, adding some clarification.

"HAHA! NO GOVERNMENT CAN KEEP OUT THE LIKES OF KIAKO ORNITIER!" she shouted.

"Ornitier?" asked Jessie. "Like. . .Vivi Ornitier? From FF9?"

"Oh, can it, Jessie," Kiako grumbled. "And anyway. . .I LIKE VIVI!"

"STOP GETTING (&$#% OFF TOPIC!" Cid growled.

"WAAAAAAAAH! CIDDY DOESN'T LOVE ME ANYMORE!"

"Jessie?" asked Lucrecia.

"Got 'em," said Jessie, pulling out earmuffs, and putting a pair over her ears. "Here are yours."

"Thanks," said Lucrecia, taking them and adjusting them snugly over her ears.

"What? I can't hear you!" Jessie shouted.

"NEVER MIND!" Lucrecia shouted back.

And never mind the public display they were making, out in the square. . .Hoo boy. . .

"Yep. We should help him now," said Christina, after the crowd had cleared, looking at an unconscious Stephen, whom had finally been left alone by the raccoons.

"Yeah, the police may wonder about all the blood on the corner. . . ," said Mike, trying to haul Steve over to the side of the wall. "Got a Restore materia? A Heal materia?"

"No, but I have a potion. This'll do," she said, pouring the pink substance down Steve's throat.

"Mmm, strawberry. . . ," said Steve, coming back to the living world.

"I thought since he was knocked out, we'd use a Phoenix Down," said Mike.

"No, he wasn't close to dead, was he?"

"He was."

"Hm. That's odd."

"While you two geniuses. . .Well, ONE super-genius. . . ," said Steve.

Mike took a proud stance.

"I mean, Christina's twice as smart as I am, and LORD knows how much smarter she is than Mike. . ."

"HEY, WANT ME TO BEAT YOU BACK TO DEATH?!" Mike threatened.

Steve blanked out again.

"HEY! HEY! WAKE UP SO I CAN KNOCK YOU OUT! HEEEEEY!"

"WHY am I not enjoying this?" asked Rachel, sitting down on the bank of the Thames, after the trip (No, I'm not going to tell you about it, just because of the HORROR. . .But I will say Kiro went popping into Rachel's changing room more than once). "It's sunny, bright, calm. . .Oh yeah, YOU'RE SITTING TOO CLOSE!"

"Sorry. . .," said Kiro, who of course, was too close for comfort with Rachel, and had taken her hand of Rachel's shoulder. "I guess you don't know true beauty when you see it. . ."

"Or maybe I can't find it in you when I don't happen to swing into your level," Rachel grumbled.

"Aw, you're a cold person, you know that?" asked Kiro. "Why don't you let me-

"Warm you up?" Rachel completed. "I can already guess the lines going on in your head, it's been that long with you." She sighed, and scooted her legs inward, looking into the water. ". . .Damn big river."

"I'd give you the stats, but I've never been to London. . . ," Kiro said with a wink.

"Was that supposed to be an attempt at humor?" asked Rachel.

"Stop being mean. . . You can be nasty when you're sarcastic."

"Everyone can be nasty with sarcasm."

"There ya' go again, being mean!" Kiro said. "Rachel, haven't you EVER had a crush on a girl?"

"To the disappointment of any men listening to me right now, NO!" Rachel barked.

"ANYWAY then. . .How did you enjoy our little shopping expedition?"

"My soul died," Rachel grumbled. "It died and went to The Planet."

"At least THIS way, everyone has something to wear, right? Instead of getting gawked at in their outfits," Kiro said.

"You know, I think people will gawk at Vincent anyway, just because I don't think he'll be able to cover his hand. Nor will we be able to cover Barret's gun-arm. . .," Rachel sighed. "At any rate, I don't think some of them will wear what we bought them, anyway. AND I AM NOT WEARING THAT BATHING SUIT YOU GOT ME!"

"Come ON, Rachel! I'm going to wear that French maid's outfit, JUST FOR YOU!" said Kiro with delight. "Or do you like the nurse one better? Maybe the one that SCREAMS 'bondage queen'?! You KNOW you like the leather on THAT one!"

"I KNOW I'M SCARRED BY THE THOUGHT, YES!" said Rachel.

"Scarred by just thinking about it? I didn't know I was that good, even in your imagination. . .," said Kiro. "Maybe subconscious anticipation?"

"Anticipation to run, maybe. . .," Rachel mumbled. "Anyway, whatever bathing suit you got me, is LESS a bathing suit as it is, well. . . less than anything. That shows more skin than what I wear in the shower!"

"You wear something in the shower?" asked Kiro.

"Well, no, but at least I'm BEHIND A CURTAIN. . .," said Rachel.

"But you have to admit, you had fun, right?" Kiro asked, trying to drag out any form of pleasure from her victim, even if it was just something as harmless as an outing. (Okay, maybe "outings" aren't so "harmless" but-HEY, STOP LISTENING TO WHAT I'M SAYING!) "Could be better than hanging around Tifa, huh?"

"Tifa in PMS, I suppose. . .," Rachel sighed. "But you've been avoiding something all day. . .WHERE have you been getting the money?"

"Oh, the money?" asked Kiro, with a slight pang of nervousness. "That doesn't matter. Are you feeling better yet?"

"Don't change the subject, Kiro. . . ," said Rachel. "Where did the unexpected revenue originate?"

". . . .AHHH! BLINDED!" shouted Laura, her eyes shut, standing outside the closed door of an apartment, with the other two. The apartment itself was well kept, at least this level of the building, despite its outward appearance. Inside, lived a rather rich man, with the largest apartment in the building, on the top floor, and the hallway was composed of a rather old looking green paint, a little bleached out by the lighting that is now turned off, for the windows on either end of it were large enough to usher light indoors, and the flooring seemed to be newly set oak panels, that made quite a contrast to the aged walls.

"I'm not surprised. . .yet I am," said Tifa, with plain shock on her face.

"This is not a good first impression for Kiro, nope. . . ," said Dayna, standing behind them.

"I didn't honestly expect Kiro would do that. . . ," said Tifa, trying to move for the stairs, if her feet didn't feel glued to where they already were. "I know she's Kiro, and that says a lot already, but. . .THAT'S GROSS!"

"No, seriously guys, I can't see. . . ," said Laura, stumbling around on the hardwood floor in the hallway, her boots clunking.

"Laura, open your eyes," said Tifa.

"Huh? Oh," said Laura, after realizing she was clenching them shut. "Heheh. Thanks."

"You set?" asked Cid, standing by a large tower, with a satellite dish that adorned its top.

"You got it, Ciddy!" said Kiako, over the PHS. "Jack it up!"

"Sure hope this damn idea works. . . ," he said, holding up his hand, that was building up electric energy, and then swiftly clenched his hand onto the side of the metal framed tower, that surged with power, stemming upwards to the dish.

"All right, now. . ." Kiako was typing a myriad of commands (What I also like to call "moon man language". HOW do they understand that?!) into her laptop, until a large smiley face icon appeared on the screen. "I got it!"

"DAMMIT KIAKO, I'M RUNNING OUTTA JUICE. . . ," said Cid between his teeth, looking up at the dish above it. "FIND THE DITZ GIRL FASTER. . ."

"Okay Cid, it's done!" said Kiako, her voice coming in through his PHS he left on the ground. He released his hand and fell over onto his butt, and heaved an exhausted sigh.

"Now don't say I never did you any favors. . .," he said.

"YAAAAY! CIDDY-BEAR LOVES ME AGAIN!" she squealed on the other end.

"Oy. . ."

"Aw, that's. . .cute AND funny, actually," said Jessie, looking at the Rachel icon on Kiako's map of the city, with Rachel's chibi head, except it had swirls instead of eyes. "Kinda accurate, huh?"

"Quite," said Kiako, taking note of Rachel's location. "All right, now we can find the spaz!"

"The money?" asked Kiro, laughing nervously. "Well. . ."

"Kiro, did you rob a store?!" asked Rachel. "If so, WHY DIDN'T I COME, HUH?! IF IT WAS A CANDY STORE, I'D BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO LOOT GUMMY BEARS!"

"I didn't rob a store. . ." Kiro sighed. "Don't you think the police would be after me right now?"

". . .Good point. Didn't think of that. DON'T SAY ANYTHING!" Rachel shouted, holding up her hand, knowing the oncoming insult was about to hit.

"You're learning. . . ," said Kiro, with a smirk. "Took you a while, though."

"Okay, you're changing the subject again. . .," said Rachel. "Tell me, WHERE did you get the money?"

"Um. . .An employer?" said Kiro.

"Employer? Kiro, you don't have a job."

"I do."

"What is it then?"

"Er. . .Well, let's say this," said Kiro. "In today's world, most jobs tend to be office jobs for corporations, law firms, and so forth, so it's refreshing to have a job that involves actual movement, instead of sitting down. Like. . .stand-up comedy, and construction work. Or, prostitution."

"Huh? What? Really? Okay. . . ," said Laura, talking into her PHS. "Tifa, Lucrecia says we should get Bahamut."

"Why?" asked Tifa.

"Bahamut?!" asked Dayna.

"Because we found Rachel and Kiro," Laura explained.

"All right, finally!" said Tifa. "Just tell me where they are, and we'll go!"

"HUH?!" said Dayna, still not believing this. "WHAAA?!"

"Christina, they said they found Rachel," said Mike, turning off his PHS.

"Oh joy," went Christina, getting Steve up to his feet. "I can hardly contain myself."

"They found them, Cloud!" said Aeris, telling Cloud the information. "NOW WILL YOU PLEASE PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON?!"

"But we're getting so much money!" he said, carrying all the money in his pockets.

"DO YOU WANT MY METAL STAFF UP YOUR-

"Yes ma'am. . . ," he sighed, putting it back on.

"Thank the Lord. . . ," said B.T., after hearing where Rachel and Kiro were found. "Come on you bunch of misfits, haul ass and follow me."

"Hey, what about Mr. Stumpy? He doesn't have an ass," said Keily.

"It's true!" said Chikara. "He lacks one, the poor fellow."

"GIMME THAT!" shouted B.T., seizing the little finger puppet, throwing it on the ground, and stomping on it. She growled, and stormed off.

"Ooh, that time of the month. . . ," said Chikara.

"Mr. Stumpy, may you rest in peace. . . ," said Keily, bowing. "Come! We must have a proper burial!"

"No time! Come!" said B.T., who had returned and began dragging the two off.

"AAAAHHHH! RELEASE ME AND LET ME MOURN MY LOSS!"

"THE ONLY LOSS AROUND HERE WILL BE YOUR DEATH, AND I WON'T BE MOURNING!"

"THAT'S MEAAAAAAAAN!"

"The found Rachel. . .," Mars informed Andariel, after she hit him for good measure.

"Good," said Andariel. "You know where they are?"

". . .Whoops. I forgot to ask."

"AAAAAHHHHHHH!"

"B-B-B-BAHAMUT. . . ," Dayna stammered, looking up at the large, winged black dragon that was just summoned. "Tifa, why do I have the feeling-

"Oh, and yes, I'm a videogame character. If that doesn't answer all your questions, just hop on and I'll explain later!" shouted Tifa, pulling Dayna up to the back of the dragon. "We need to get to the Thames!"

A few dragged on moments made further discussion hesitant, while the sound of water filled the rest of the background, until finally, Rachel spoke.

". . .Kiro, you're not a construction worker!" said Rachel. "Although, it might explain why you have a few screws loose."

"I'M NOT A CONSTRUCTION WORKER!" Kiro shouted. "DON'T YOU GET IT?!"

"No, I don't. . .Kiro, why didn't you SAY you were a construction worker?! It's not like it's bad or anything!" Rachel said, continuing without knowing what's going on.

"GAAAAH! I'M A PROSTITUTE, DAMMIT! CAN'T YOU PUT TWO AND TWO TOGETHER?!" Kiro shouted in irritation.

"Yes, and you get six," said Rachel. "Prostitute? That's not so hard to believe. So. . .How was it?"

"I don't know whether being as out of as you are is cute, or just tiresome," Kiro grumbled. "Since I'm explaining it to you, and I STILL want to see you in that bikini, I'll take it as cute. I slept with another guy, so I could get some money, and then get you your medicine. Well, with some money on the side. Come on! HUGS!"

"EW, NOT WHEN YOU DID THINGS OF ILL MANNER, THANK YOU!" said Rachel, backing away from Kiro.

"What, so you're not happy that I did that just to help you?" asked Kiro. "And help myself. . .," she said under her breath.

"I wouldn't have DIED from a COLD," said Rachel.

"I thought it could've been pneumonia too, duh," Kiro defended. "At any rate, it's not like I murdered someone and robbed them, huh? Besides, I've already done it more times than-

"I DON'T NEED FACTS AND FIGURES! I GET THE POINT!" Rachel said, trying to keep her thoughts as pure as possible.

"Goody. Then we shall never speak of it again!" Kiro declared. "Anyway, I don't do it anymore. Wait, I guess I can't say that. . .Okay, then I don't do that anymore."

"What I don't understand, is that you did that just to get MEDICINE. . .Could've stolen it, ya' know!" said Rachel.

"Yeah, like that has uplifting morality to it, too," said Kiro. "But I got the medicine because. . ."

A dark, looming shadow had appeared over the ground where Rachel and Kiro sat on the back, moving quickly, and growing larger at an alarming rate. The wind picked up, and some people could be heard shrieking in the distance, the screams cutting into Kiro's sentence, but she continued anyway.

"Well, don't think I'm heartless, because I got the medicine because I care. All right?" said Kiro, trying to give a reassuring smile.

". . . . . . . . . . .AND I'M THE MORON?! DON'T PASS YOURSELF OFF AS A HERO!" said Rachel, ignoring the smile.

"Saw through that?" said Kiro, nervously laughing again. "Okay, THEN MAKE IT UP TO ME! YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT AND WHERE I WANT IT!"

"Kiro, stop frightening the girl," said Tifa, who had walked up behind the two.

"TIFA, THANK GOD!" shouted Rachel, springing up to her feet and grasping Tifa in a death hug. "I NEVER KNEW I'D BE SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU!"

"L-LET ME GO. . . ," said Tifa in a choked voice, pushing Rachel off. "Gah, air. . ."

"Heheh. Sorry. Hey, who's that?" asked Rachel, pointing to Dayna, who was standing beside Bahamut, still in a mute, shocked state.

"That's Dayna," said Laura, coming over to Rachel. "She's just experiencing minor shock. Don't worry."

"Her pupils are pinpoint," Rachel pointed out.

"Like I said, don't worry about it!" Laura said, still insisting everything was fine. "Come on, let's go. . ."

"Um, Kiro?" asked Tifa. ". . .What's with the bags?"

"CLOOOOTHES!" Kiro exclaimed. "I know everyone didn't have a lot of money, so I took the liberty to get stuff!"

"Which reminds me of another topic. . . ," Tifa sighed. ". . .But I won't get into it now. The rest should be here soon, so we'll leave as soon as they arrive."

"But. . .," Laura interjected, looking around. "What about the people who have already seen us?"

"Uhhh. . ." Tifa looked at the crowd that as staring in shock of the dragon before them. "Whoops."

"B-but what about you?!" It was nighttime, and everyone was riding Bahamut, who was soaring over the clouds, and their destination was to Guam, Laura's home. Unfortunately, some things were unclear to some people. . . "You knew they were FF7 characters?!" asked Dayna, talking to Alannah.

"Quite frankly, I thought I was either dreaming or experiencing a cardiac arrest and was having a delusion," said Alannah. "But you know, after being convinced they were solid and real, I sort of just slid into the idea they were alive. . ."

"Hoo boy. . . ."

"So, what about you?" asked Tifa, riding beside Bahamut's right wing, letting Vincent fly for a while. "Anything to say?"

"Just that I have no idea how you found out," said Kiro, sitting with her legs tucked in and her arms around them.

"What can I say? I'm good," said Tifa, lying on her stomach, with her head held up by her hand. ". . .Okay, I found the apartment where the guy was."

"At least he was loaded and I milked him for all he's worth, right?" asked Kiro, slightly innocently.

"Doesn't make up for it. . . ," she replied, sighing. "You shouldn't have done that."

"But not every problem has an easy solution, right?" Kiro inquired.

"You have a point. . . ," Tifa agreed.

"Hey, what's this?!" asked Mars, who was looking around in one of Kiro's bags, pulling out a skimpy nurse costume.

"IT'S NOTHING!" Kiro shouted.

"KIRO. . .," Tifa grumbled. "Never mind. . .Just promise me, you won't-

"I won't. . .," Kiro said. "I know, bad image. But I think MORE people would think YOU'RE more like that, because of-

"I know, the way I look. Whatever," said Tifa. "Miniskirt, tiny little top, my endowments, I get it. Can't fight genetics!"

"And what lovely genetics those-

"Shut up, Kiro."

* * *

AN3: HIYA, EVERYBODY! AND WELCOME TO THE ENDING NOTES! ::singing the words to "Descendant of Shinobi" on the set stage, in her yukata.::

Laura: ::playing the piano::

Cloud: . . .I'm confused.

Tifa: She's singing the words to Yuffie's theme.

Yuffie: ALL RIGHT! MY THEME KICKS ASS!

Alannah: There are words to it?!

AN3: TO THE REMADE VERSION ON THE MAHOROBA SOUNDTRACK!

Reno: I can't believe I'm doing this. . .::playing the drums::

Rachel: I didn't know you could play the drums.

Reno: The Turk's theme is entirely percussion, so who do you think is playing the drums?! ME! I'M THE SNARE!

Cid: ::playing the harmonica for it::

Cloud: . . .Yuffie's theme has a harmonica?

AN3: LIKE I SAID, IT'S REMADE! IT'S LIKE ONE OF THOSE OLD SONGS! KINDA LIKE A SMALL BAND! NOW, CLOUD, VINCENT, RUFUS. . .BE THE BACKUP!

All three: WHAT?!

AN3: Come on, I'm the authoress. . .I'll give you all better trailers. . .

Rufus: And what can you give me? I already HAVE everything I could possibly want.

AN3: Except, more lines.

Rufus: ALL RIGHT, BACKUP!

Other two: ::sigh and get ready for backup::

AN3: ::throws the mic to Yuffie:: YOU KNOW THE WORDS! ::hands Yuffie the lyrics::

Yuffie: ::hops onstage and sings::

AN3: Ah, now I can continue the notes like normal. . .

Tifa: The notes are normal?

AN3: Well, no, but I have some nice info. You know Advent Children? Well, there's something else FF7 coming out. How many of you people know about the new FF7 game, FF7: Before Crisis?

Reno: I wasn't informed. . .

AN3: Well, funny thing, BECAUSE IT FEATURES THE TURKS!

All the Turks: WOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!

AN3: You heard me right people, but the thing is, the game obviously isn't as well known as the movie, and there may be a reason for that. . .

Cloud: HOW COULD SUCH A BIG GAME NOT HAVE A BIG SEQUEL AND NOT BE KNOWN?!

AN3: I know the reason. . .

Everyone: Oh, what now?!

AN3: The big thing is. . .IT'S A GAME FOR YOUR CELL PHONE!

Everyone: WHAT?!

Cloud: Figures. I was wondering why it was hardly known, but it's because it features the Turks. Including Reno.

Reno: HEY!

Turks: HEY!

AN3: What's really great is that over the cell phone since you can already connect with people, you can play the game with more people. As in, they are your other party members. I don't have THAT much info on it, but that's what I DO know. It's going to come out next year, I believe, and it's going to be on next gen cell phones, so don't go scrambling for it right away.

Tifa: HOW do you know all this?

AN3: I have my sources. . .::pulls out Electronic Gaming Monthly:: MWAHAHAAAAA!

Yuffie: Okay, whose turn is it to sing? ::hops off the stage::

AN3: I got that new grand piano Laura is using. . .Shiny, huh?

Rachel: WOOHOO! MY TURN! ::jumps onstage and starts singing "Eyes On Me"::

AN3: She loves that song. . .

Tifa: I wonder if this is something odd to say, but. . .

AN3: What?

Tifa: There's something different about your yukata.

AN3: What? It's the same one. . .

Aeris: No, she's right, there's something different, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Steve: . . .Nope, me neither.

AN3: Meh, it's nothing. . .Hey, you know how I'm renovating the set? I'm getting separate places for the cast to go to when we have a break. . .The first character to get their own specialized room is. . .::pulls a name from the hat::

Konoshi: TORTURE ROOM FOR KONOSHI! WITH CHAINS AND WHIPS AND LEATHER STRAPS, AND, AND. . .Sephy-chan, what would you like for our room?

Sephiroth: HEY, DON'T YOU GET ANY IDEAS. . .

Konoshi: THEY'RE NOT MERE IDEAS! THEY ARE DREAMS THAT WILL BECOME REALITY!

AN3:. . .Aeris.

Konoshi: D'OH!

Aeris: Uh, really?

AN3: Yep! AND IT SHALL BE DONE!

Cloud: . . .Where did that door come from? ::points to the back of the set:: 

Rachel: ::done the song:: Huh?

AN3: Go ahead, through my divine will, I have made a room.

Sephiroth: Damn, she IS like the goddess of this fic!

Aeris: ::opens the door:: . . .Whoa.

Everyone: ::looks in:: Whoooooaaaa. . .

(As there is no other way for me to do this, the room is generally a fifty square foot room, complete with a waterfall, stream, and yes, many, many, MANY flowers.)

AN3: Cool, isn't it?

Everyone: ::shouting demands for their room::

AN3: HEY, ONLY ENOUGH DIVINE POWER FOR ONE DAY! I don't have a lot of energy after making all THAT. . .

Aeris: ::squeezing AN3 in a death hug:: IT'S PERFECT!

The guys: ::sobbing:: Why don't we ever get hugs like that from hot girls?

AN3: Because I don't get anything erotic out of it, and I gave her her own flower field, that's why. I think as an update, if I'm ever going to get those AE flash movies running, I already have music picked out. A LOT of remixes. I also have a remix of the date music in FF7, you know, the one called "Interrupted by Fireworks". As strange as it sounds, I think my perfect date would have that song play at some point. . .I find it kind of romantic. ::laughs nervously:: If you want to hear it, it's called "Acoustic Fireworks", and it's at YOU CAN GET SOOOO MANY REMIXES THERE! IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL! ::crying tears of joy::

Tifa: Yep. She's snapped.

AN3: Next time, it should be Sephiroth's chapter. . .Well, you know, the one where he finally pops up.

Sephy fans: YES! SILVER-HAIRED GODLINESS!

Sephiroth: Haven't they realized I have failed at my attempt to become a god?

Surka: Don't complain. . .

AN3: I also have a bit more art on my deviant art page if you haven't been there lately, so visit if you want.

People: ::cluttering into Aeris' room:: Pretty. . .

The REST of the people: Is it time to go yet?!

AN3: You can leave, if you want. . .

The rest of the people: Good. . .::exit the set::

Stephen: Damn, it's deserted. But I have one question.

AN3: What?

Stephen: Why DO you look different in that yukata?

AN3: I was wondering if you'd ask about that. . . ::starts playing "Acoustic Fireworks" in the background, on a stereo:: ::whispers in his ear:: Because, I'm not wearing anything under it. . .

Stephen: ::beet red:: UHHHHHHH. . .Nothing?

AN3: Absolutely nothing.

Stephen: Not even-

AN3: Nope.

Stephen: ::goes even redder: Er. . .

AN3: ::laughs:: Ah, you have the best reactions to everything. Go on, scoot, I'll meet you back there.

Stephen: ::stumbles off::

AN3: That's it, people! You have your updates. Just one more thing, my vacation to California is canceled, so I have more time to write this stuff! As if I have any energy for it, anyway. . .::sweat drop:: Okay, I'm going to go crush his hopes and dreams and play him in Halo. I mean, crush his hopes and dreams, BECAUSE I ROCK AT THAT GAME! . . .Even though I can't even fit my hands all the way around that Xbox controller, that damn giant piece of evil. . .And maybe I won't crush him because I'm probably bad after it's been so long. . .Wait, why am I telling you this?! GOOD-BYE! ::runs off:: TIME TO KICK MAJOR ASS!

::fades to black::


	6. Chapter 6: Every Time a Bell Rings

Chapter 6: Every Time a Bell Rings. . .

Note: FF7 belongs to Squaresoft, Laura belongs to LadyTifa26, and all other characters, belong to miscellaneous reviewers and authors.

* * *

"Tell me there's something wrong."

"CAMPTOWN LADIES SING THIS SONG!" Yes, Tifa, Rachel's benevolent dictator, was indeed singing.

"DOO DAH! DOO DAH!" With Rachel.

"CAMPTOWN RACES, FIVE MILES LONG!"

"OH DAH DOO DAH DAAAAAY!" And Laura.

"I know what's wrong. . .," Cid replied to Cloud's response. "MY EARS ARE BLEEDING, THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG!"

"Tifa? Tifa? Tiiiiifaaaaaaa. . . .," said Aeris, poking Tifa in the back. "Are you feeling okay?"

Tifa spun around with this dumb smile and unusual red tint to her cheeks, barely able to stand herself. "Whatsh? I can't shpend my time wif my friendsh?"

"AHHHH! IT'S HORRIBLE, CLOUD!" Aeris screamed. "TIFA JUST CALLED RACHEL AND LAURA HER FRIENDS! BUT WHAT WORSE, IS THAT SHE JUST CALLED RACHEL HER FRIEND!"  
"HEY!" Rachel exclaimed in response. "THAT'S NOT NICE!"

"Even when it's apparent you were the one that got her drunk?" asked Aeris, pointing to the bottle of whiskey in Rachel's hand. "Did you take that from Reno?"

"HEEEEYYYYYY!" Reno snatched his bottle back. ". . .Damn, Tifa! It's all gone! . . .I like a woman who can take her alcohol."  
"So do I!" said Kiro.

"Shut up, Kiro," said Aeris.

"Temper, temper. . ."

"Wait. . . . ," said Christina, just thinking about Tifa's condition. ". . .Does this mean we have a drunk driver?" In case you haven't noticed, it's morning now, and Tifa had just taken her shift to ride Bahamut back home.

"A drunk dragon driver. That's funny," said Laura.

"Is there even a LAW that says she can be arrested?" asked Dayna. "I mean, she IS a driver, but I don't think there are any laws applicable to someone on a dragon. . ."

"You can't fly a plane drunk, can you?" asked Sky. "Maybe that's the law that applies to this."

"Anyway. . . ," said Aeris, getting back to the point. "WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT THIS?!"

"I hear that if we give Tifa enough water, she'll be sober again. I think being drunk is much like dehydration," said Rachel.

"I think she meant what we're going to do about flying Bahamut," said Cloud.

"CAN I DR-

"NO, YOU CAN'T, RACHEL," said everyone.

"Mean. . ."

"I suppose we don't have any choice," said Vincent. "We're going to have to land."

"SEPHIR-VHATEVER-YOUR-NAME-EEZ!" A few steps were heard thumping up a staircase, near the door to his room. A tall, dark-haired woman with a dark tan in a ruffled shirt, sandals, and pink skirt that fell down to her ankles stood in the doorway, hands on her hips, scowled and spoke a heavily accented Italian voice. "VAKE UP AND MOVE YOUR WOMANLY ASS!"

". . .Ung. . ." Sephiroth slowly sat up in a small bed, sitting in a large white button-up shirt, covered in a layer of sheets and linen, in a small room with bookshelves, while the intense sunlight radiated through the window right beside him. He held his head as if he had a headache, and slid his legs off the bed and onto the stone floor of the bright room.

"Grrrrr. . ." It was apparent that she wasn't satisfied by his slow pace, and took a stack of books off a desk, and started chucking them at him. "MOVE-EET-NOW-FREELOADER!"

"Huh?" he said, looking at the books flying at his face. "AHHH! AH! OW! OW! NOT THE FACE! AHHHHHHHH! NOT THE HAIR! ANYTHING BUT THE HAIR! Ugh. . .Ah, dammit, you don't have to throw things. . .," he growled, moving over to some clothes on the floor.

"Eet'z about time you voke up!" she exclaimed, glaring at him. "You'll be late for vork!"

"Yes, yes, I'm coming. . . ," he sighed, picking up what appeared to be his uniform on the ground.

"Vee're not letting you stay for nootheeng, eh!" she continued. "Move it!" She muttered some angry Italian while she left the room and stepped down the stairs.

"I must be in Hell. . .," he groaned. Putting on the black pants, shoes, and the white shirt, he rolled up the long sleeves to his upper arms, and climbed down the stairs, into what was a bar with the same stone floor, large windows, a polished wood bar with a myriad of liquor bottles behind it, a heavy-set bartender, and the same woman who yelled at him earlier, but instead she was now seated at on of the tables beside a window, who frowned upon the sight of him.

"Yes, vhatever, Sephiroth. 'Appy? I remembered you're damned name," she said, resting her head on both of her hands. "Who de 'ell ver your parents? Naming you THAT. . ."

"Vittoria is NOT a common name, either. . .," he said, sitting at the bar.

"Eet'z a better name than yours!" she said, crossing her arms. "Go, you're going to be late! Get some exeercize, you look too much like a girl!"

"Shut up, you talk like a man," he replied, walking out the door. "That is, if I could understand what you're saying." He opened the door and stepped out, and grimaced. "I hate my job. . ."

". . .This doesn't look like GUAM. . . ," said Laura, standing out on a cobblestone sidewalk, outside a shop. "THIS IS VENICE! VINCENT!"

They all stood look glare at Vincent, who backed away slightly.

"I guess that teaches us to have anyone other than Tifa guide Bahamut to Guam, huh?" asked Rachel. "At least, when she's sober."

"And WHO do we have to thank for her getting drunk?" asked Cid.

"IT'S CHRISTINA'S FAULT!" shouted Rachel.

"HEY!"

"NO IT'S NOT. . . ," said B.T. "We can solve this all diplomatically, right? I'm sure we don't mind staying in Venice, now do we?"

"Except, there's one thing. . . ," said Lucrecia. "Looking at the map, we were supposed to head West, but we went East. Vincent, are you really THAT bad at directions?"

"HEY! I WAS TRAPPED IN A COFFIN FOR YEARS! I LOST MY SENSE OF DIRECTION! AND I'M NOT EVEN FROM HERE, ANYWAY!" he shouted in his defense.

"Well, Tifa's not from here, and she could navigate. . . ," said Keily. "And even if you DO have a bad sense of direction, we have a map."

"Wait, I thought we WERE going the right way," said Rachel, looking at the map in front of her.

"Rachel? IT'S UPSIDE DOWN!" shouted Laura, snatching it. "What is my family thinking? Do they think I'm dead? Ay, yi, yi. . . ."

"Watch your temper. . . ," said Rachel in a sing-song voice. "Your family is worried, but you know about flight delays and such. . ."

"For three days?!" asked Laura.

Everyone gave her a skeptical look.

"Oh. Right. That might work," she agreed.

"Well. . . .," said Kiro, still looking cheery enough. "I still have money. . .THIS IS HOW IT WILL WORK!" she exclaimed. "WE FIND A KICK ASS HOTEL, AND WE GET OUR OWN ROOMS! . . .BUT BEING THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO FEELS THE NEED TO SAVE MONEY SO THERE'S ROOM FOR OTHER STUFF, I'LL BE AS SO KIND AS TO-

"Forget it!" said Rachel, even before Kiro finished her sentence.

"Forget what?" asked Kiro. "You didn't even know what I was going to say!"

"You were going to say you'll, 'be as so kind as to take the liberty in sharing a room with Rachel to save money, instead of forcing any one of you to share a room.' Right?"

"NONSENSE!" said Kiro, waving off the thought. "I was going to say, 'be as so kind as to bunk with Rachel to relieve her of her virginity problem and save money by doing so, not having to burden the rest of you with the task,'."

"THAT'S THE SAME THING!" Rachel shouted. "AND YOU WERE EVEN MORE BLUNT!"

"No, you said something different, and I was just telling the truth," said Kiro with her arms folded. "I demand an apology."

"WHAT?!"

"You heard me! LET'S KISS AND MAKE UP, SHALL WE?!" Kiro shouted, throwing herself at Rachel. "COME ON! I BOUGHT HANDCUFFS!"

"I guess I'll be filling in for Tifa. . .," said Aeris, separating Kiro and Rachel before Kiro could get to her. "What would Tifa say. . .? Um. . .Laura, some help here?"

Laura leaned over and whispered a line into Aeris' ear, and nodded.

"Right!" said Aeris. "Tifa would say, 'Kiro, give all the money to Laura so she and Vincent can have a romantic vacation!'"

Everyone fell down. "AERIS!"

"LAURA!" Aeris shouted, giving Laura a stern eye, Laura in return smiling innocently at Aeris.

"I'm not saying it's a bad idea, though. . . ," said Vincent.

"Don't get your trousers in a bunch. . .," said Holly, stepping forward. "We'll just get some money from Kiro, NO SEX, and get rooms accordingly to whatever groups we all can agree on."

"Small, pale child is right!" said Cloud. "Wait. . .Were we all outsmarted by her?"

"Depends on your idea of outsmarted. . . ," said B.T. "Is it not having as good an idea as a thirteen year-old, or is it something different?"

"AND MY NAME IS HOLLY!" she shouted. "But Cloudy can call me whatever he wants! Preferably 'lover', though."

"Riiiiiiight. . . .," he said, taking a step back from her. "I guess we'll go get a hotel then. . ."

"But first, we need to get Tifa some water. . . ," said Lucrecia, trying to keep Tifa balanced.

"W-water. . .," Tifa echoed, swaying in all directions, then looking into the water of the Venice canals. "Water. . ." Passing out, her weight shifted to the side into the water, catching Lucrecia off guard, sending her falling into the water.

"GYAAAH!" Lucrecia, lacking as much common sense as she does, had tried pulling Tifa up by trying to catch her arm, and despite a knowledge of physics, after yanking Tifa safely back up, the inertia of the counterforce (I've been watching too much Martian Successor Nadesico, people), or rather, pulling so hard, she in turn tipped over into the water, fell in instead of Tifa.

"AAAAACK! NOOOOO!" shouted Rachel. "AT LEAST IF TIFA FELL IN, I'D HAVE LESS BRUISES! LUCRECIAAAAA! COME BAAAACK! . . .Aw, crap."

"Have a nice day. . . ," said Sephiroth, disliking the taste of the words on his tongue, standing on a gondola with a pole in hand to push the small boat, saying good-bye to the person who had paid for the ride. He sighed, and pushed the boat down the canal. "This job is entirely too boring. . .No blood, no fire, no death, and most of all, NO WOMEN! Huh? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He spied Lucrecia's unconscious body in the water. "I DIDN'T DO IT! I SWEAR! Well. . .I DIDN'T DO IT THIS TIME! I need that paycheck to get away from that crazy woman! GOD, YOU CAN'T BE THIS CRUEL TO ME! I'VE MET THE DEVIL AND SHE CAN'T REMEMBER MY NAME! I DON'T LIKE YOU, AND YOU DON'T LIKE ME, BUT-

"Are you going to pull me in?" asked Lucrecia, now holding onto the side of the boat. "People are staring at you, sir."

"Eh?" he said, looking around amidst the stares. "Uh. . .Eheheheheh. I guess I'm losing my subtle touch. . ."

"Well, no sense in diving after her, right?" asked Kyoko. "That canal was a bit deep. . ."

"And some of us can't swim. . .," said Mars.

"And I look terrible in a bathing suit. . .," said Rachel. "OW!"

"You look FINE in a bathing suit. . .," said Kyoko. ". . .WHAT?!"

"THAT'S MY LINE!" shouted Kiro, who was glaring at her. "Except I would've said she's HOT. . .'CAUSE SHE IS!"

"LEAVE ME ALOOOOOOONE!" Rachel sobbed.

"And we'd attract unwanted attention. . . ," said Aeris. "Although, you'd think more people would notice a woman falling into the water."

Walking along the sidewalk, past the inns and the shops, they looked up, and stared at what seemed to be a relatively expensive hotel, and all turned to Kiro.

"What?" she asked. "Is it only NOW you see how breathtakingly gorgeous I am?! Oh yeah, the money. . ."

"You're one weird lady. . .," said Sephiroth, throwing a towel over Lucrecia. "I find you half-dead in the water, then you reach up onto the boat like a waterlogged zombie and correct my behavior."

"Don't complain so much. . . ," said Lucrecia, wringing some of her long hair to get the water out. ". . .You know. . . ," she said, looking at him.

"What?" he asked.

"Hmm. . .You'd be much better looking if you sat up straight," she concluded. "And you're wet from pulling me in. Take a towel or something and dry yourself off."

"You're doing it again. . . ," he said. "Don't reprimand me, lady! What are you, my mother?!"

"Oh, certainly not. . .I hardly remember him because it was so long ago. . .But even then, I doubt he'd look like you. You have very interesting. . .uh. . .Where did you get that hair color? Are you old?" she inquired with a clueless smile.

"I AM NOT OLD!" he shouted. "I'M ONLY. . .only. . .uh. . ." Poor Sephy. He doesn't know his own birthday. "Well, I know I'm not middle-aged!"

"You don't know your own birthday, mister?" she asked, curiously. "That's funny. . ."

He scowled with slight embarrassment.

"I don't know mine, either!"

"GYAH!" He almost fell off the boat. "I knew you were one strange lady, but Jesus. . . You know, if you keep wandering off into waterways, I wouldn't be surprised if you were kidnapped."

"I'm not THAT hopeless. . ."

"Yeah?," he asked. "You seem like such a ditz, any guy would try to pick you up. . .You married, lady?"

"I WAS married. . .but I don't remember my last name. . ."

"I don't remember mine, either. . . ," he sighed. "Whatever last name it was, I frankly don't care. The man who raised me. . .I'd hate to carry on his name."

"The man who married me. . . ," said Lucrecia, ". . .I'm not sure if I really loved him or not, so I guess that last name doesn't matter to me, like you. Funny. . .Do you have problems with your memory?"

"Sokyu," said Surka. "Does that make him, 'Sephiroth Sokyu'?"

"What do you mean? That was random. . .," said Aeris, sitting on a nearby cushioned chair in the hotel room, where she, Surka, Holly, and Keily were staying in.

"Oh, nothing," said Surka. "Just I haven't seen Sephiroth in a while. . .And I was wondering if he had a last name or not. So, if he doesn't he can just have my last name."

"Your last name is 'Sokyu'? Funny," said Keily, lying flat upon her stomach on a bed.

"What's so funny about it?!" asked an insulted Surka.

"Don't get me wrong, if you think about it, all our names sound really funny, especially if you're a foreigner," Keily explained. "Although. . .Aeris, your real last name is 'Gast', and your adopted name is, 'Gainsborough', either way, your initials would be 'A.G.'. Now that you know what your real last name is, which are you keeping?" She bit into a doughnut. "Mm, doughnut. . ."

"WHERE did you get that?!" asked Aeris.

"Took it from a guy who wasn't looking," said Keily. "Don't worry, I'm just borrowing it."

"You're EATING it!" Aeris exclaimed.

"Yeah, but it'll be out the other end by tomorrow, right?" Keily asked. "I won't want it then."

"NOBODY will want it then. . .," Holly sighed.

"I'm keeping, 'Gainsborough'," said Aeris. "Why not keep it?"

"Good point," said Keily.

"Anyway, while we're introducing ourselves. . .What IS your last name? Come on, you on the couch." Aeris was talking to Holly. "You never really say much. . ."

"Firefly," Holly said flatly.

"LIAAAARRRR!" shouted Jessie, walking into the room. "Your last name REALLY is-

"SHHHHHHHHH!" went Holly, clamping a hand onto Jessie's mouth. "Don't go about letting the whole bloody world know. . ."

"Jessie, Tifa said to meet in the lobbyyyyyyyy. . . ," Konoshi whined, following Jessie inside the hotel room. "Everyone is leaving us behiiiiind. . ."

"She also told me to tell these two," said Jessie. "COME ON, HOLLY! OR I'LL TELL EVERYONE YOUR REAL NAME!"

"YOU WOULDN'T DARE!" she yelled.

"HER NAME IS-AHHHHHH!"

Holly scrambled up from her seat, and lunged at Jessie who began fleeing in terror of her enraged friend. "COME BACK HERE!"

"I DON'T WANNA DIIIEEEE!"

"All righty, let's go!" said Konoshi, as happy as ever. "You too, Sarah!"

"SHUT UP!" Surka yelled. "I don't like that name. . ."

"Sarah?" asked Aeris.

"It's the boring name my mother gave me. . .," she sighed. "I like Surka much better. So, I never told Sephiroth my real name. . ."

"Oh, what a close relationship you two must have, not even knowing each others' names. . ." said Aeris. "Of course, I'm just bitter about it. . ."

"Yes. . . ," Surka sighed, standing from her chair. "Why like conversation about a man who killed you?"

"Yeah, that's it, pretty much. . .," said Aeris, standing up with her.

"Just one thing. . .," said Surka.

"Yes?" asked Aeris.

"I don't like you very much. . . ," she said. "So if you tell anyone my real name-

"I understand," said Aeris, smiling. "It's fine." Walking off, she apprehended Jessie and Holly by their collars. "Come on, munchkins, I'm filling in for Tifa."

"AHHHH! SHE'S GONNA KILL ME!" shouted Jessie.

"Grrrr. . ."

"See ya' later, lady. . .," Sephiroth said, letting her off the gondola.

"I didn't catch your name," she said, stepping out and onto the side. "What was it?"

He smirked. "It's not important. Nobody can remember it, anyway. . . And I'm outta here as soon as I can get out, so I doubt you'll ever need to know."

"Fine, be difficult," said Lucrecia, sighing. "Well, bye then."

"I can't believe we keep losing people. How repetitive is that?" asked Cloud.

"Very. God must be running out of plot twists," said Christina.

"Then again, God never really did have any good plot twists for us. . .Not much of a plot, either," said Keily.

"You feeling okay, Tifa?" asked Aeris.

"Yeah, I think the water worked. . . ," Tifa replied. "Anyway, getting on with it. . ." She stood up from leaning against the wall of their hotel; all of them were congregated outside. "Now we have to find-

"Hihi. . . ," said Lucrecia, walking up to them.

"Hi Lucrecia. . . ," said Tifa. "But like I was saying-LUCRECIA!"

"Yes, get on with it. . . ," said Rachel. "We have to find Lucrecia-ohhhhhh. . . ," she said, finally catching on. "Hihi, Lucrecia!"

"Hihi!" Lucrecia replied happily.

"When will it end?!" Tifa sobbed into her arms.

"There, there. . . ," said Aeris, patting Tifa's back. "I'm sure God's plot twists will eventually end it. . ."

"I wonder if I just go on a killing spree, will I get fired?" asked Sephiroth to himself. "I never saw such a gay looking uniform in my entire life. . ." he said, tugging at his white long-sleeve shirt. "But if I quit, I won't get severance pay, and I'll never get out of this hell hole. . ."

"Tifa's sober, Lucrecia's back. . . Can we leave now?" asked B.T.

"I don't think so. . . ," said Tifa. "Look."

"HAHA! CAN'T CATCH ME!" said Jessie, being chased around by Holly again.

"YOU'VE GOT TO STOP RUNNING ONE OF THESE DAYS!" Holly shouted after her.

"I COULD SAY THE SAME TO YOU! MISSED ME!" Jessie called back.

"Hey, Laura. . .," said Rachel, holding a pixie stick. "I read something about sugar affecting your memory. . .They say you could forget things more easily." She tore off the top of the pixie stick and ate some of the orange powder that filtered into her mouth. "By the way, where are we?"

"They're having fun," said Tifa to B.T. "If this boosts moral, why leave now? Anyway, I'd like a vacation. . ."

"After yesterday's fiasco?" asked B.T.

"You know it. . . ," Tifa sighed. "But I have a feeling we're forgetting something. . ."

"Damn right, you are!" Cloud shouted.

"What is it NOW?" asked Tifa.

"MY BIRTHDAY, DAMMIT! IT WAS TWO DAYS AGO!" he complained.

"Big deal, birthday boy," said Tifa. "Nobody remembered mine, either. Suck it up."

"But. . ." he said, still whining. "I LIKE free stuff. . ."

"I GIVE YOU MY HEART!" shouted Jessie.

"I GIVE YOU MY LOVE!" Holly yelled.

"Want a pixie stick?" asked Rachel. "It's ooraaaaaange. . ."

"I'll give you a kick in the pants if you don't shut up," said Tifa.

"Cloud, you never told me when your birthday was," said Aeris. "What do you want for your birthday?"

"Wellllllll. . ." he said, thinking about it. "Hmmm. . .Let's go THIS way. . .," he said, grabbing Aeris' wrist and tugging her along.

"ACK!" she said, being pulled forward.

"Let's go. . .," said Tifa. "We don't want any pregnancies. . ."

"TIFAAAAAA!" shouted Aeris. "THAT'S NOT NICE!"

While everyone followed, Lucrecia looked out of the corner of her eye at them leaving, and promptly dropped one small stone and one larger stone into the water, then stood up. "Yep," she said. "Both fall at the same rate. Or maybe I haven't dropped them from a high enough place. . . .HEY! I'M COMING, TOO!" She ran off, when a familiar looking gondola rowed itself past a nearby waterway.

"Hm," Sephiroth said, stopping and then rowing again. "She sure likes hanging around my normal route. . ."

"Byyyye, byyye, Miss American pie!" sang Cloud, rather off key. "Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry!"

"Cloud-

"Them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye, singin'-

"CLOUD!"

"WHAT?!" he asked.

"Please, my ears burn. . . ," said Tifa.

"You can't sing, can ya' Cloudy?" asked Rachel, walking a little faster to catch up with him, while everyone else trailed behind.

"I sing beautifully!" he said. "I sing like the angels! Girls melt when they hear-

"Your squawkbox?" said Tifa. "You haven't even told us where we're going yet."

"Just some place to crash. . ." said Cloud. "Besides, I need Kiro to pay for this, so it's a good thing you all came."

"Cloudy, all you need to do to sing better is to think of what the song means to you," said Rachel. "If you can get that, I betcha you'll sing better. People naturally excel at things that have meaning to them."

"Aw, how cute and after-school special. . .," said Cloud, giving her a noogie.

"AHHHH! I HATE THAT!" Rachel complained.

"Then don't call me 'Cloudy'!" he said, walking quickly, and then stopping outside a wooden door outside a pub. "This is it,"

"You dragged us to a BAR?!" asked Tifa in disbelief. "How special. . ."

"Sorry, but I could use a drink. . .," he said. "Let's go in, shall we?"

"Yeah, let's go in before everyone sees me kill you. . .," Tifa sighed. "The less witnesses, the better."

"In fact, you could use a drink yourself," said Cloud, opening the door. "Ladies first."

"Then go in," said Tifa. "You're the first lady at the door."

"Haha," said Cloud, walking in. "How droll. You'll warm up to me again, you'll see."

"I'll warm up to you when Hell freezes over."

"Is that a pun?"

"Are you a sex fiend?"

"No!"

"Wrong again."

"Aw, isn't it cute?" asked Laura, putting Rachel into another headlock to amuse her. "They're already speaking sweet nothings to each other."

"Uh. . .Laura?" asked Rachel. "Could you please let me go? It's just that you're so short, it HURTS bending over like this. . .," she said in a pained voice, bent over like a hunchback.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?!" Laura shouted. "I'M AN INFINITESIMAL LITTLE FREAK?!"

"NOOOOOO!"

"A CARNY SIDESHOW?!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!"

"THE LITTLEST TROLL?!"  
"LAURA, PLEASE CALM DOWN!"

"I THOUGHT you didn't. . .," said Laura, giving Rachel the evil eye as she released her head.

"Damn Laura, you're sensitive about your height, aren't you?" asked Rachel, rubbing her neck and taking a seat with Sky and Keily in part of the bar. ". . .And are we even ALLOWED in here?"

"Don't ask questions," said Sky. "And don't say a word. . .They have ears everywhere. . .," she whispered.

"Uh-HUH. . . ," said Laura, a little freaked out by that statement.

It was a dimly lit bar with a stage and a piano atop the dais, and a microphone, apparently something for entertainment. Some people were already in there, filling the bar, and some of the tables, while a few more people entered.

Kiro looked nervous. "Uh, Cloud-

"HEY, GIVE US A ROUND OVER HERE!" Cloud shouted over to the bar.

"Cloud, um-

"AND KEEP THE DRINKS COMING!" he called.

"CLOUD, YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T-

"IT'S MY BIRTHDAY, SO GIVE THE ENTIRE BAR A ROUND!" he said, the bar giving a happy shout.

"PLEASE CLOUD, JUST LISTEN!" Kiro said. "Um, about the money. . ."

"What about it? Come on, don't be greedy. . .I'm twenty-two!"

"That makes me think. . .," said Rachel. "Tifa just turned twenty-one, right?"

"Yeah," said Laura.

"So. . .She was a bartender when she was twenty and younger. . ."

"Your point?"

"How come she could own a bar and serve beer when she was underage to even drink it?" asked Rachel.

"I think she flirted with the guy who gave out the alcohol permits. . .," Laura whispered.

"I HEARD THAT!" Tifa said.

"Not that I'm being greedy. . ." said Kiro. "But. . .I'd say we only have enough money left for, oh say. . .Two drinks?"

"WHAT?!" Cloud shouted jumping out of his seat. The entire bar was giving him weird looks, and he smiled and waved, sitting back down. "What?!" he hissed.

"Yeah, I wanted to tell you that but-

"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?!"

"I TRIED, but-

"Oh crap. . .Quick, let's sneak out the back! Did they already serve the drinks?"

"Your round. . ." said a waitress with a tray of drinks, handing them out.

"We didn't drink them yet!" he said. "Loophole!"  
"Reno already did. . .," said Kiro.

"DAMMIT, RENO!" said Cloud.

"Ooh, I wonder what this tastes like. . .," said Rachel, looking at the frothy substance.

"It's not bad," said Laura, taking a drink. "Try it."

"Laura's baaaaaaaaad. . .," said Chikara. "She likes her alcohol too much, and she's underage. . ."

"I TOLD you, the EARS. . .," Sky whispered.

"Stop scaring me!" said Keily.

"Welcome, everyone!" said a man, walking up to the microphone. "Welcome to the talent night! I suppose you all know the prize of five hundred euros. . ."

"We're dead, we're dead. . ." Cloud sobbed.

"Well Cloud. . .," said Aeris. "Not if you enter the talent contest. There's a piano. . ."

"So what if there's a piano?" asked Cid.

"Cloud can read sheet music, remember?" said Aeris. "And you play the piano, right?"

"That's true. . .," said Cloud. "But, I don't CARRY sheet music, so-

"I carry sheet music," said Kristi, at the table next to him. "I wouldn't be much of a musician if I didn't know what I was playing."

"How come having you around is so convenient?" asked Cloud.

"What can I say? I make life easier," she replied.

"Couch potato girl is right," said Konoshi. "Come on, play something and win the contest!"

"Yeah, what do you want to play?" asked Kristi, pulling out stacks of music sheets from the lining of her guitar and violin cases.

"Hmm. . . ," he said, glancing over the papers, then stopping when his eyes fell on one, and he smirked. "This one."

"Which one is. . .CLOUD! NOOOO!" said Aeris, looking at it.

"What is he doing THIS time?!" asked Tifa. "What's the so-FORGET IT, CLOUD!"

"Aw, but it's such a catchy song. . .I don't even know what America IS, and I like it!" he said in his defense.

"America is, well. . .," said Rachel. "America mainly refers to the United States, where my house was. . .But if you think about it, there's North America, Central America, and South America. . ." She pulled out the map and stretched it over the table, pointing to what she meant. "So, if you think about it, all of that could be America, because the term is rather general. . .But like I said, most people take it as being the U.S."

"Oh," he said, blinking rapidly. "Riiiight. . .But. . .I haven't played in forever, so Kristi, why don't YOU-

"No, it's not a song unless you play the piano," said Kristi.

"Laura, you can-

"Nope," she said, refusing.

"Rachel, why not-

"Hey, I'm only a beginner on the piano," said Rachel, shrugging.

"FINE! . . . .Tifa-

"Finish that sentence and die," she threatened.

He sighed and put down his beer, scooted his chair behind him, and stood up. "Fine. BUT YOU TWO ARE COMING WITH ME!" he shouted, dragging Kristi and Reno with him.

"I would've agreed if you asked me to. . .," said Kristi.

"I DON'T LIKE YOU! LEMME GO!" said Reno, trying to get away, but Cloud wouldn't let go of his tie. "I'M. . .I. . .I CAN'T BREATHE. . ."  
"Good," said Cloud with a satisfied smile. "You won't need to. You just need to play some drums."

"I. . .I HATE YOU. . ."

"He should be on, soon," said Tifa, her legs crossed along with her arms, at a table near the stage.

"Everyone, get your ear plugs. . .," said Aeris with a nervous smile.

"Left my &$#&#! ones at home. . .," said Cid, glowering. "Coulda really used 'em. . "

"I like vodka," said Andariel with a ditzy smile, holding her bottle of the clear yet potent liquid.

"Sure makes YOU happy. . .," said B.T.

"INDEED IT DOES!" she shouted, taking another swig. "Did I mention I can really handle my liquor?"

Rachel picked up the bottle of vodka and sniffed it, flinching at the smell and coughing. "Ack! I have vodka at home, but you couldn't make me touch it. . .Oh, but I found over six bottle of untouched Jack Daniel's scattered in various places in my house. Gifts from people, but nobody in my house drinks. . ."

"I'LL HAVE IT!" shouted Andariel.

"Do you have any wine?" asked Rufus.

"Too much, really. . .," said Rachel.

"I shouldn't ask. . .You already think I'm an alcoholic. . .," said Laura. "Just an occasional drink, and somebody marks you as an addict!"

"Laura, that's the fifth one you had," said Rachel. "Aren't you even getting a buzz?"

"Not until the seventh," said Laura.

There was an eruption of clapping when the man, supposedly the manager, had taken the stage again, to introduce the next act. He grinned and picked up the mic, and spoke in his enthusiastic voice.

"For our next act, we have a guy who can sure as hell play piano, along with two others, manning the drums, and another for a guitar! Now, I hope you don't have to be from the States to understand the song. . .," he said, looking at the card that told him what the act was. "But I understand that it's pretty damn good any way you look at it! People, please, I'm not talking about a weather report, but here is our next act, a guy called. . .Cloud?"

"CLOUD! HE SAID YOUR NAME!" said Kristi, urging him onto the stage.

"He could've been talking about the weather!" Cloud said. "He said something about it!"

"Cloud, it's perfectly sunny out," Kristi said.

"I'VE CHANGED MY MIND! I'M NOT GOING OUT! YOU GO!" he simpered.

"Cloud, stop being a baby and GO!" Reno shoved him out onstage, where he was immediately greeted with anxious clapping, particularly from his little fan club.

"He looks even better in a spotlight. . .," sighed Jessie, staring at him dreamily.

"He looks good no matter WHAT light he's in," said Holly.

"You know. . .," said Rachel, "Since he's wearing that shirt, the muscle definition looks even better in a bright light. . .More shadowing. . ."

"Uh, hihi. . .," he said shyly, taking a seat in front of the piano.

"Don't be so nervous. . .," said Kristi, taking a seat on the stage.

"And don't be such a screw-up!" said Reno, sitting behind a drum set.

"Ooh, there's my Reny. . .," said Andariel, getting a buzz and spotting Reno on the dais. "Nothin' like Reny and some vodka. . .HUGS!" She reached an arm over and grabbed Vincent. "NOW IT'S A PARTY! KISS ME, VINNIE!" I guess she's finally drunk.

"She's drunk, so should I STILL kill her?" asked Laura.

"She doesn't know what she's doing, so just rescue Vincent and be done with it," said Rachel.

"AHHHHH! HELLLLLP!" Vincent screamed, dodging Andariel's lips. "PLEASE, IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S ME!"

"But Vinnie, don'tcha love me?" asked Andariel with a reddish blush. " 'CAUSE I LOVE YOU, VINNIE!"

"You have to admire how well she speaks when drunk," said Rachel.

"IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE, BUT-

"DIDJA HEAR THAT?! HE THINKS I'M ATTRACTIVE! OKAY VINNIE, YOU CAN CALL ME 'ANDY'!" she shouted happily. Cloud, Kristi, and Reno were all staring from the stage. "HE LOVES ME!"

"THAT'S IT!" Laura shouted, clocking Andariel behind her head, until she blacked out. "Sorry I had to, but Vincent was getting traumatized. You okay, Vinnie?"

"Did you really have to do that?" asked Vincent.

"Yes," said Laura with a wide smile.

"I'm gonna go to the bathroom. . .," said Lucrecia, suspiciously as red as Andariel.

"Uh, okaaaay. . .," said Tifa. "Just get back here soon. You wouldn't want to miss Cloud making a fool of himself."

"Er, right. . . ," said the manager after all that was over and the rest of the bar was completely amused. "Start when you're ready. . ."

Taking a deep breath, Cloud placed his hands on the ivory keys and drew a short smile, and started. "A long, long time ago. . .I can still remember, how that music used to make me smile. . .And I knew if I had my chance, that I could make those people dance, and maybe they'd be happy for a while. . ."

"Wow," said Rachel. "He IS singing it."

"Dear gods, no. . . ," said Laura. "But. . .he really doesn't sound as bad as he normally does."

"Probably acoustics," said Tifa.

"Maybe. . . ," said Rachel. "Although I wonder if teaching him that song was a bad idea."

"THAT WAS YOU?!" asked Tifa, then she sighed. "Well, of COURSE it was you. . .You only make situation worse, so why not?"

"Tifa, you're being mean again. . .," said Aeris.

"Yes, I know. . .," Tifa said. "Deep healing breaths. . .And liquor never hurt. . ."

"But February made me shiver. . .with every paper I'd deliver. . .," he continued, playing slowly. "Bad news on the doorstep. . .I couldn't take one more step. . .I can't remember if I cried when I . . .heard about his widowed bride. . .but something touched me deep inside. . .the day the music. . .died. . ."

"Here we go. . .," said Cid in a gruff voice.

It was at this point in time that Kristi began playing her guitar, Reno still waiting for his cue.

Cloud picked up speed a bit. "So bye, bye Miss American Pie, drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry. . .Them good ole boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye, singin' this'll be the day that I die. . .This'll be the day that I die. . ."

"It gets fast from here. . .," said Rachel. "Let's hope he hits the notes. . ."

"The right ones, that is. . .," Laura noted.

The drums kicked in, and Cloud smiled wider, finally hitting the fast part. "Did you write the book of love, and do you have faith in God above, if the bible tells you so. . ?"

"And do you believe in rock and roll; can music save your mortal soul-" sang Reno, taking over this part.

"Hey, Reno can sing better than Cloud. . .Who knew?" asked Rachel.

"-And can you teach me how to dance, reaaaal sloooww?" Cloud sang, smiling at Tifa, who glared and stepped onto the stage, taking the microphone.

"Well I KNOW that you're in love with HIM-", she sang, looking at Aeris who blushed pink. "'Cause I, saw you dancin' in the gym! You both kicked off your shoes. . ."

"MAN I DIG THOSE RHYTHM AND BLUUUEES!" he sang, sweating bullets, nervous, changing the subject off Aeris and him.

"I didn't know Tifa knew the lyrics. . .," said Rachel.

"Don't ask," said Laura. "Just listen."

"I was a lonely teenage broncin' buck, with a pink carnation and a pickup truck," sang a perfect boy band voice that seemed to come out of nowhere, but somewhere out of the corner of her eye, Aeris could spot an after-image of Zack near a microphone. "But I knew that I was out of luck, the day the music died! So I started singin'. . ." He winked at Aeris then faded back into nothing, while everyone else onstage just picked up where they were, freaked out by the phenomena.

"Bye, bye Miss American pie! Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry!" sang Cloud again.

"Them good ole boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye!" sang Reno and some of the Turks who were in the bar, raising their drinks.

"Singin' this'll be the day that I die. . .," Cloud picked up, "This'll be the day that I die. . ."

"Finally over. . .," said Sephiroth, sighing and stepping out of his gondola at the dock where he kept it with everyone else who had the same job. "I can't believe this is the only job you can get without experience around here. . ."

"Now for ten years we've been on our own, and moss grows fat on a rolling stone, but that's not how it used to be. . .," Cloud crooned into the microphone atop the piano.

"When the jester sang for the king and queen, in a coat he borrowed from James Dean, with a voice, that came from you and me. . ." In another strange occurrence, Rufus spoke up in a near Frank Sinatra voice, leaving everyone around him to stare. "Oh and while the king was looking down, the jester stole his thorny crown, the courtroom was adjourned. . ."

"No verdict was returned!" Cloud sang energetically. "And while Lenin read a book of Marx, the quartet practiced in the park-

"And we sang dirges in the dark, the day the music died!" Vincent finished.

"Wow, the song MUST be catchy if they're ALL singing. . .," said Laura. "And I didn't know Vinnie could sing so well."

"I guess if we've learned anything from living with them, is that they're anything but normal people. . .," said Rachel.

"And I'm sure they could say the same about us," Laura concluded.

"We were singin'-", said Cloud, motioning for some to sing, AVALANCHE responding and singing this part of the refrain.

"Bye, bye Miss American Pie, drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry! Them good ole boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye, singin' this'll be the day that I die. . .this'll be the day that I die. . ."

"Helter-skelter in the Summer swelter, the birds flew off with a fallout shelter, eight thousand miles high and fallin' faaaaaaaaast-!" Cloud shouted.

"Isn't the line, 'eight miles high'?" asked Rachel.

"Think about it. . .," said Laura. "What could he be talking about that's eight thousand miles up high and falling fast?"

". . . .Wow. I guess he figured out what to focus on that has meaning. WHOO! MY AFTER SCHOOL SPECIAL ADVICE WORKED!" Rachel exclaimed.

"And landed a foul on the grass, the players tried for a forward pass, with the jester, on the sidelines, in a cast. . .Now the halftime air was sweet perfume-

"While the sergeants played a marching tune. . .," Rufus sighed, recalling his own embarrassing marching theme.

"We all got up to dance. . .," continued Cloud. "Oh, but we never got the chance! 'Cause the players tried to take the field-

"The marching band REFUSED to yield. . .," Rufus said, holding his forehead, thinking how stupid the song was.

"Do you recall what was revealed the day. . .the music died?"

"This doesn't look like the bathroom. . .," said Lucrecia, outside the bar, walking away, beside the waterways. She stumbled forward, walking on the sidewalk, aimlessly searching.

"Well now, if that isn't interesting. . .," said Sephiroth, standing over a bridge, looking into the moonlit water, then turning his head up and seeing Lucrecia there. "When found three times. . ." He sighed, and picked up his feet to meet her, noticing her stumble.

"We started singin'," said Rachel, singing along with the rest of those who chimed in. "THIS IS FUN!"

"Don't tell me you're drunk. . .," he muttered, while she nearly tripped over herself and past him. "Hey! Hey! GET BACK HERE!"

"Easy squeezy, lemon peezy. . ." she said, with that overly red color markered on her face.

"Does EVERYONE say that?!" he exclaimed.

"Yes, I suppose they do," she said, almost dumbly.

"What are you, the world's largest buffoon?" he asked.

"Say that again, and I'll have my acetylene torch up your skinny ass. . .," she muttered irritably. "So mister, you know where the bathroom is?"

"I'm not going to repeat my question. . .," he sighed.

"And then we were all in one place," Cid actually sang, "a generation lost in space, with no time left to start again."

"So, Jack be nimble, Jack be quick," sang Aeris, taking a turn after enough drinks, "Jack Flash sat on a candlestick-

"'cause, fire is the devil's only friend. . .," said Cloud, taking over the line.

"What WAS the question again?" asked Lucrecia. "Oh yeah. Bathroom."

"I'M NOT THE KEEPER OF BATHROOMS!" he shouted.

"You sure look like it, 'cause you must have to go in one a lot to keep your hair like that. . .," said Lucrecia.

"Everyone just ENVIES my looks. . .," he grumbled. "I'm just wondering. . .Why do you look so familiar?"

"I guess just 'cause you see a lot of cute girls and I'm one of them. . ." she said, stumbling forward.

"STEADY YOURSELF, WOMAN!" He said, grabbing her shoulders, standing a full arm's length apart. "What HAVE you been drinking?"

"Well. . . ," said Lucrecia, recalling whatever she drank. "A little bit of everything. . .Whiskey, beer, wine, vodka, Irish cream, and some mixtures. . ."

"Lord help us. . .," he sighed. "Look, I'll help you, but. . .Hey lady, what's your name?"

". . . . .Hmmmmm. . . .," she said, thinking. "I am. . .I AM. . ."

"You are. . .?"

"Princess Consuelo Banana Hammock," she said.

"YOUR REAL NAME!" he shouted impatiently.

"I am Lucrecia. . .Lucrecia. . .uh. . .Lucrecia SOMETHING. . .," said Lucrecia, sounding half-asleep.

"Lucrecia, Lucrecia. . .Sounds familiar," he replied. "Lucrecia. . .AHHHHHH!" he screamed, letting go of her shoulders, recoiling. "YOU'RE LUCRECIA?!"

"The mad scientist, you betcha. . .," she said happily. "What's YOUR name?"

"Uh. . . .," he said. _"Hmmm. . .",_ he thought. _"What do I say?! Hey mom, I'm your son! I kill people! Nooo. . . Long time, never see! No. . .Never mind, there will be time for this later,"_ he decided. "There's nothing to know about me, really."

"Other than the fact it's very difficult to decipher whether you're a man or a woman? I'm pretty sure you're a guy, but if not, you're an awfully MASCULINE woman. . .Nice abs," she said.

"I AM A MAN!" he roared. "Who knew my mother was this spacey. . .?"

"What didja say, mister?" she asked.

"NOTHING!"

"Oh, and as I watched my stage, my hands were clenched in fists of rage!" Cloud continued singing. "No angel born in Hell. . ."

"Could break that Satan's spell!" Aeris finished.

"Do you know someone named Vincent?" asked Sephiroth.

"Oh, Vinnie-san?" asked Lucrecia. "Of COURSE I know him! I was his old lover, of course. . ."

"Was he the one you were married to?" he asked.

"No. . .," Lucrecia sighed. "That was Hojo. . ."

"EW, REALLY?!" he asked, disgusted. "I mean, uh. . .really?"

"Yeah. . .And I had a son. . .," she said.

"Could you tell me. . .," he intently asked. "Who was his real father?"

"And as the flames climbed high into the night, to light the sacrificial rite, I saw Satan laughing with delight, the day. . .the music died! He started singin'. . ."

"His father was. . .Nope, I still can't remember!" said Lucrecia.

Sephiroth, of course, fell over.

"But I think I do know something. . .," she continued, and he took attention. "I never really did love Hojo. . .But I had to protect Vincent somehow. . ."

"So. . .you protected him by MARRYING another guy?!" Sephiroth asked. "There IS something wrong with you, lady."

"You must understand. . .," she said, solemnly. "I married Hojo to protect him because he was jealous. . .He loved me and hated Vincent, because Vincent was the one I loved. . .I knew Hojo was crazed, so it was apparent that by any means he would remove Vincent so I fell in love with him. . .I spent many happy days with Vincent. I guess I can remember now those nights I would sneak around with him in the town-

"What town?"

"I suppose you wouldn'tve heard of it. . .," said Lucrecia. "But it was a place called Nibelheim."

Sephiroth narrowed his eyes and scowled. "Go on."

"Well, I would sneak around with Vincent, trying not to be caught by everyone else. . .Although, I guess I secretly wanted to be. . .I didn't want to hide it. . .And then I got my wish. Hojo found out. He couldn't stand it, of course. . .He threatened me. . .But then again, he really didn't threaten me exactly, but Vincent. I knew he was serious when he wanted to kill Vincent. I remember spending many nights with him. . ."

"OH GOD, NOT HOJO!" said Sephiroth, making a funny, nauseated face.

"No, Vincent," she said.

". . .Oh. Good then," he said, recovering. "Continue, if you will."

The fast part had ended. Cloud and the rest slowed the pace back like the beginning. "I met a girl who sang the blues, and I asked her for some happy news, but she just smiled and turned away. . .," Cloud sang.

"Why do I have the feeling he means Aeris?" asked Rachel.

"You ask too many questions," said Laura.

"I went down to the sacred store, where I'd heard the music years before. . .But the man there said the music wouldn't play. . .And in the streets the children screamed. . .The lovers cried, and the poets dreamed. . ."

"But not a word was spoken. . .," sang Aeris, as sadly as he sounded. "The church bells all were broken. . ."

"Fitting," said Rachel.

"He sensed it as much as I, Hojo did," Lucrecia continued. "After all those nights, I became pregnant from Vincent. Then, I married Hojo. Hojo was satisfied. . .And he filled his end of the bargain. He didn't kill Vincent. He merely mutilated him by taking his arm. . .He wanted to give Vincent a permanent scar. Not by some means of torture. But he did it by taking something he used, that not a day that went by, he'd always remember never to cross Hojo of Shinra Incorporated. . .So that every time he used that arm to fire a gun or any other thing, he'd be brought far more emotional pain than physical, and remember something else that he had lost, something more precious than that arm."

"And what about your child?" asked Sephiroth.

"I can only guess from here. . .," Lucrecia said, "but I'm pretty sure. After putting Vincent alive in a coffin where he'd never age and spend the rest of eternity with his inner demons, when my child was born and fully understanding it was Vincent's, Hojo didn't have a problem putting it through experiments. Not that Hojo wasn't insane enough to use his OWN flesh and blood, but this made it much easier for him. I think he enjoyed it. He put the child through rigorous testing, implanting him with JENOVA cells, and putting it through massive MAKO showers. . .And through time since the child was put through it at a young age when he was still to develop into a man, naturally he grew up more physically capable than the other children."

"What do you remember about that child?" he asked.

"I don't have many memories," said Lucrecia. "I knew that I only held my child not many more times than once. I named him Sephiroth. His hair was black like his father's, and he had my eyes. . .It tormented me to see him experimented on by Hojo. . .His perfect black hair turned to silver because of all the MAKO. . .His eyes changed very bright. I couldn't take it anymore, so I asked that Hojo would send me away to something of a similar fate to Vincent's. I was imprisoned, never to age like him, far off around a lake. Then, I blanked out and woke up in Icicle Inn, where then a few people found me and I returned to Nibelheim. That's basically it. . ."

"So, that means. . ." said Sephiroth, deducing it.

"Yes, Vincent's your father, Sephiroth," Lucrecia said, with tears in her eyes.

"How did you-

"A mother never forgets her child. . .," she cried. "I may be drunk, but I'm not blind!"

"The two men I admired most. . .," Cloud said slowly, "the Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost. . .they caught the last train for the coast. . .the day. . .the music. . .died. . . And they were singin'. . .Bye, bye Miss American Pie-

"Took my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry. . .," sang everyone, picking up the refrain.

"Them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye. . ." The entire bar was joining in by this time. "Singin' this'll be the day that I die. . .this'll be the day that I die. . ."

"Calm down! AHHH!"

Lucrecia had finally given into her tears and collapsed onto Sephiroth, holding onto his shoulders. "I finally get to see my little boy. . ."

"Please mom, don't call me your little boy. . .," Sephiroth whined.

"Don't talk to your mother like that!" Lucrecia said sternly. "I can't believe this. . .You've grown up so well. . .I bet the girls chase you everywhere. . ."

"I wouldn't say that, exactly. . ."

"I bet even more guys chase you, too!"

"MOTHER!"

Lucrecia laughed. "I'm just kidding. Tell me, how was Hojo as a father?"

"I wanted to kill him."

"I'm not surprised. . .," said Lucrecia. "I wish you could've kept your hair. . .Your father would've liked that. . ."

"I saw him," said Sephiroth. "That's why I asked. I saw him before Cloud and everyone else stopped Meteor. He looked as if his soul had died. . ."

"A soul never truly dies. . .," said Lucrecia. "But it's true, by that time, he hasn't felt any happiness for. . .I'd say twenty-six years."

"How old are you?" asked Sephiroth.

"Come now, Sephiroth. . .," she said. "You never ask a woman her age. But if you're really curious, I'm twenty five."

"Then. . .how could-

"I never aged, remember?" she asked. "I'm really fifty-one, but never tell anyone that, will you? Vincent should be in his early fifties. Fifty-four, really. . .But he never aged, as well. So, right now, I am twenty-five, and he is twenty-eight!"

"And, if he has been like that for approximately 26 years. . .does that mean-

"Yes," she said with a smile.

"And you're-

"I'd like to still say I'm twenty-five, thank you very much," she said.

"Okay, so you're twenty-five, that means. . .Ew," he said.

"Yeah, well don't talk to Aeris, she's 22, and her mother is 25. . .," said Lucrecia. "That means eventually, she'll be older than her mother."

"By the way, how is she?"

"She's fine."

"Dammit."

"Oh, what do you have against her, huh?! She's not blocking you on your road to power, and her parents are even helping you!" Lucrecia exclaimed. "And. . .And I think I'm getting woooooozyyyyy. . .Nighty, night. . .," she said, tipping over.

"YOU CAN'T SLEEP NOW!" he shouted.

"Why not?" she asked, looking straight up at him, adjusting her spectacles. ". . .Your eyes have grown cold. . ."

"And what does THAT have to do with anything?!" he asked.

"The son I remember had the sweetest little smile and warm green eyes. . .Yours remind me of the snow that would frost the windows every winter in Nibelheim," she explained. "Now you're a brutal killing machine with no heart! HOW COULD YOU SHAME YOUR MOTHER LIKE THAT?!"

"I DIDN'T KNOOOOOOOOOOOW!" he shouted. "DON'T BLAME ME!"

"I CAN BLAME YOU AS MUCH AS I WANT!"

"WHY?!"

"BECAUSE I AM YOUR MOTHER!"

"THAT'S NOT FAIR!"

"Listen to the wisdom of your mother!"

"You're still one crazy lady!"

"WHAT DID YOU CALL YOUR MUMSY?!"

"Uh. . .Want a. . .a. . ." He had great difficulty saying this. "A. . .A. . . A HUG?"

"YES, PLEASE!" she said cheerily, giving him giant hug only a mother could give. "I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK!"

"I feel so disgusting. . .," he said, taking her hug. "It's so. . .so LOVING, it's nauseates me. . ."

"You're MARRIED," said Lucrecia. "Get used to it!"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW I'M MARRIED?!" he asked.

"They were singin'! Bye, bye, Miss American pie!" sang the entire bar. "Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry! Them good ole boys were drinkin' whiskey and rye, singin' this'll be the day that I die!"

"I lost her," he said flatly, noticing she fell right to sleep. "Oh well. . .Now I know." He walked over to the side of the road and sat her up against the wall, grumbling as he took off his shirt and put it over Lucrecia for a blanket. "I hate that shirt, anyway. . .Just do one thing for me. . .Don't tell anyone I'm here, will you lady?"

"D. . .don't back sass me, Sephiroth Sokyu. . .," mumbled Lucrecia in her sleep.

"Sephiroth Sokyu?" he asked confused, blinking rapidly. ". . . .Riiiiiiiight. . ."

"Damn, that was weird, wasn't it?" asked a voice in the distance.

"Gotta go!" he said, running off. "Back to that demon of a woman. . .UGH!"

"Hey, we're missing. . .Lucrecia?" The voice came from the rest of everyone, and Laura noticed her foot nudged up against Lucrecia's leg. "AHHHHHH! SHE'S DEAD!"

"No, just asleep," said Tifa. "She's still breathing. I guess she missed the bathroom. . ."

Lucrecia opened her eyes slightly. ". . .Well, hello there."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! ZOOOMMMMBIIIEEEEE!" shrieked both Rachel and Laura.

"HAVEN'T YOU HEARD A WORD I JUST SAID?!" Tifa exclaimed. "SHE WAS ASLEEP! But whose shirt is that?"

"AHHHHHH! LUCRECIA WAS RAPED AND THEY LEFT HER HERE!" shouted Rachel. "THEY LEFT HER WITH A SHIRT!"

"I am surrounded by idiots. . .," Tifa sobbed again into her arms against the wall.

"I guess we're all idiots, here. . .," Sephiroth sighed, watching the scene from a nearby rooftop, casting an ominous silhouette against the moon. "I must be getting soft. . .I need to maim a squirrel or something. . ."

"Aw, isn't that sweeeeeeeet?" asked Zack, also on an adjacent rooftop.

"MORON!"

"OW!"

Ifalna smacked him over his head. "You're not supposed to come out of nowhere and start SINGING!"

"I COULDN'T RESIST!" he said in his defense. "Anyway, why are we following them again?"

"We're not following Cloud OR the rest. . .," said Gast, sitting on the roof. "But I must admit, Lucrecia did a good job of gathering the information. WHAT A BRILLIANT ASSISTANT I HAD! . . .UNTIL HOJO CAME ALONG AND KILLED ME. . ."

"WHO WANTS TO TORTURE HIS IMMORTAL SOUL WHEN WE GET BACK HOME?!" shouted Zack, raising his hand.

Gast's hand shot up in the air immediately. "What about you, honey?"

"We're ANGELS, remember? We don't torture people on the other side of the Planet. Hell, we don't even torture people!" she said. "No WONDER you two don't have your wings yet. . ."

"You don't have YOUR wings yet, remember?" said Zack.

"But I'm more qualified than you are, and thus I should receive mine sooner," said Ifalna proudly.

Church bells began crashing in the distance, letting out prolonged rings that traveled throughout the night. A few birds that were nesting nearby flew off, directing fleeting black streaks beneath them, over the heads of Rachel and everyone else.

"EW! ONE ALMOST CRAPPED ON ME!" shouted Rachel, looking at some bird poo that landed right beside her.

"One DID crap on me. . .," sighed Steve with the icky object on his shoulder. "Anyone have a moist towelette?"

The final ringing of the bell sounded like a groan associated with a ring, the ring muted with a small thud.

"It's midnight. . .," said Tifa. "But. . .what the HELL was that last ring?!"

"Whoa. SOMETHING happened to that last bell. . .," said Zack.

"It broke," said Gast. "That bell broke."

"You think so?" asked Ifalna.

"I know so," Gast said. "Look at Sephiroth."

Sephiroth was looking down at them all, taking one last look before he ran off. But what trailed behind him could only have been seen in the silvery light; one singular luminescent wing that seemed to come from his back.

"Where've you guys been?" asked Lucrecia.

"We should be asking YOU that. . .," Tifa sighed, "but we were sidetracked."

"Hey, but we got MONEY. . .," Cloud said, smiling at all the leftover euros.

"I won that money, thank you very much. . .," Tifa said, snatching it back.

Lucrecia blinked. "But. . .I thought YOU were the one that entered, Cloud."

"I was. . .," he said. "But after they all sang, they technically registered, and I won second place, which was one hundred euros. Tifa, however. . ."

"I took a bow after we were done singing, and well, let's just say the bar was loaded with guys, and I won. . . ," she said.

Lucrecia smiled and laughed. "I guess we can always count on you for the bombshell vote. . ."

"Not to mention the fanboy vote. . .," Rachel muttered.

". . .I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!" Zack shouted. "HE WAS ELIGIBLE TO BE AN ANGEL BEFORE US?! HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN DEAD, HUH?! HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD THIS JOB?!"

"He's only a HALF angel. . .," said Gast. "Every time a bell rings. . ."

"But the ring was broken," said Ifalna.

"So, he only gets one wing. He was only eligible to be a half angel, anyway."

"Why only half?" asked Ifalna.

"Well, he's not dead, and you have to be dead to be a full angel. . .And next of all, he's not the most pure figure, is he?" asked Gast.

"I'LL KILL 'IM!" shouted Zack. "I WORK HARD, DAMMIT! HE'S NOT GONNA UPSTAGE ME! NOT THE GUY WHO KILLS WHO HE WANTS AND GETS TO WALK AWAY!"

"YOU'VE killed people, Zack," said Ifalna.

"Yeah, but. . .," he said. "But it was a war, so-

"It doesn't matter. . .Death doesn't justify anything. . .," Ifalna sighed. "Death is neither anything particularly noble. Let it go. . ."

"FINE!" Zack shouted irritably. "BUT WHEN HE DIES, I GET TO KICK HIS ASS WHEN HE GETS TO THE PLANET! LET'S GO!" With those words, he vanished into thin air.

"I'm surprised," said Gast. "He didn't even stick around to let me tell him whom we're here to see."

"Well, we saw him, anyway," said Ifalna. "And Aeris is doing well. . ."

"Ifalna dear, she's drunk."

"WHOAAAA!" Cloud and Condrugon were carrying Aeris; Aeris almost tipping over.

"NOTHING wrong with an occasional drink!" Ifalna said in high spirits.

"Pooky, she has a thing for SAKE," said Gast. "I'm SURE that's a bit more serious-

"FINE!" Ifalna shouted. "SO SHE MUST HAVE SOMEHOW PICKED UP THE SAKE THING FROM ME! I ADMIT IT! SO SUE ME!"

". . .Uh. . .I didn't need to know that. . .but thank you for the honesty," said Gast.

"Huh?" asked Ifalna.

"Nothing, dear," said Gast. "Come on, let's go," he said, vanishing like Zack.

"Wait. . .HEY! NO! I MEAN, I ONLY TAKE AN OCCASIONAL DRINK, TOO! JOHN MICHAEL GAST, YOU REAPPEAR, RIGHT THIS INSTANT! GRAAAAH!"

"I'm finished here. . .I'll have enough to get out of this watery hell. . .," said Sephiroth, jumping to another house. With a final jump into the alley, he disappeared into the twilight darkness that cloaked him completely, leaving one large raven black feather, falling gently on the rooftop. "I'll figure out how to get what I want. . ."

* * *

Everyone: . . .Wow. Vincent's a daddy.

Vincent: DON'T RUB IT IN!

Lucrecia: Aw, don't you love your son?

Christina: Does this mean I have a half-brother?

Tifa: And with all these relationships and strange family ties, why does this feel like a soap opera?

AN3: Technically, there's three relationships, Laura and Vincent's, Cloud and Aeris', and Sephiroth and Surka's. . .Although I fail to mention Cid and Shera's, but that one is less prominent. And anyway, this is something that was introduced in the videogame, so deal with it! Can we get on with the notes!

Vincent: After one thing.

AN3: Yes, Vinnie-san?

Vincent: Don't you think this theory about me being his father will be shot down by those who believe Hojo is Sephiroth's father?

AN3: I'm just saying that I fully believe that Sephiroth is your son, and I'm providing basis with the facts that were revealed in the game, along with the suggestion about why Hojo would use Lucrecia's son. Because it wasn't Hojo's son, but Vincent's and he knew. Get it?

Vincent: Whatever you say. . .Anyway, what's up with the late update?

AN3: I was at Otakon and then vacation.

Cloud: Otakon? Refresh my memory.

Reno: REFRESH MY DRINK!

AN3: Go refresh your own damn drink yourself!

Tifa: ::at the bar:: ::sighs and hands him another one:: WHY am I the bartender here?! I'm part of the cast!

AN3: Because you have the most experience!

Kiro: She has experience in more than one way. . .

Everyone: SHUT UP, KIRO!

AN3: Anyway. . .Otakon is that anime convention that's held in the Baltimore Convention Center, and is supposedly the largest anime expo in the U.S. Steve and I went.

Kyoko: ALONG WITH ME!

Konoshi: ME, TOO!

Dayna: Uh. . .me, too?

AN3: Hey, she finally made an appearance in the notes!

Dayna: Woohoo?

AN3: Woohoo, indeed! But you know, since I met Steve on the Internet, I never met him. . .UNTIL NOW!

Everyone: OOH LA LAAAAA!

AN3: You people suggesting something? ::evil eye::

Everyone: NOTHING!

AN3: Good.

Konoshi: But. . .he had a hotel room.

AN3: NOTHING HAPPENED, YOU DORKWADS!

Tifa: Nothing? ABSOLUTELY nothing?

AN3: Well, I kissed him, but that's just about it. It was kinda funny how it happened. . .

Steve: Are you REALLY going to tell them?

AN3: WHY NOT?!

Steve: Isn't it bad to kiss and tell?

AN3: . . .No!

Steve: ::sighs::

AN3: It happened like this. . .I said I had this present for him and it was in my bag, but I wasn't sure if he'd like it or not, so I told him to close his eyes. He did, and tackled and kissed him.

Cloud: Well. . .It IS certainly unorthodox. . .You can't say anything against that.

AN3: But I shocked him so much, that when I tackled him he knocked him over and afterwards, I was just laughing on my back on the pavement. He was sorta laughing too, and he helped me up. That's essentially all you need to know.

Konoshi: Oh, so you DID do something else.

AN3: No, that's all you need to know because I'm not going to tell you how it was BEFORE I kissed him (it's a long story), but I will say, my friends were all. . .weirded out.

Kyoko: You don't need to tell me THAT. . .

AN3: She saw.

Everyone: TELL US THE DETAILS!

AN3: Say that, and I'll never let you kiss Cloud.

Kyoko: ::shutting up::

Cloud: WHAT?!

AN3: I said nothing. . .Well, that's the story of my first kiss. Interesting, no? I wouldn't have settled for anything traditional, so I got my wish. But for all of those who saw Love Hina and for some strange and unfathomable reason have not been kissed yet (I'm sure you're all older than me), it is NOT like a lemon, nor a marshmallow.

Everyone: We're not going to ask.

AN3: It's best you don't. Oh yeah, and I have souvenirs from vacation. But, I BOUGHT A MR. WARKSTER PLUSHIE AT OTAKON! ::pulls up Mr. Warkster:: Isn't he cuuuuuute? Oh, I also bought an FF7 doujinshi, FF7 original art, I have a Cloud tee shirt, and this funny "Hentai Inside" bag that makes fun of the "Pentium Inside" emblem. And from vacation, I BOUGHT SWORDS!

Everyone: DEAR GOD!

AN3: Yes, now I have a katana, a wakizashi, and a seppuku knife! But they're all decoration. . .

Tifa: Thank GOD.

AN3: Ah, now I can stare at pretty dull but semi-sharp objects that bring me utter delight! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! . . .I forgot what I was supposed to tell you in the notes.

Everyone: ::falls over::

AN3: OH YEAH! It's almost AE's first birthday!

Everyone: Wow. We never thought this would last as long.

AN3: Well, I expected the series completion in February. . .But since you wanted it to be longer, we have the second season. I think I'm out of my normal writing randomness like the first season because of the time of year. . .

Tifa: What kind of excuse is THAT?!

AN3: I already told you, the story actually depends on what mood I'm in and what currently inspires me. Since I have no strange sugary inspirations, and for some reason, am all burnt out until October, you won't be getting the same sugar high until them. . .

AE Cult: Damn.

AN3: Yeah, I just thought I'd mention that in late September, AE was made. . .I'm yet to remember a specific date.

Everyone: ::falls over again::

AN3: HEY, I HAVE A BAD MEMORY! Anyway, I gotta go already because I need to be fast! Bye bye!


	7. Chapter 7: Almost, but Not Quite

Chapter 7: Almost, but not Quite

Note: Ah yes, FF7 is owned by Squaresoft and Laura is owned by LadyTifa26. . .Oh yeah, and did I mention the rest is owned by other reviewers? No? Oh well, I did now.

* * *

"I am never singing for the rest of my life," Tifa grumbled, late at night on the head of Bahamut, steering him on the closest route to Guam. "Next of all, I never want to hear that song ever again."

"Aw, BUT IT'S FUN!" said Rachel, happy as ever. "And besides, I like pie."

"That's not the point. . .," Tifa sighed.

"What?" asked Rachel. "You mean pie WASN'T the focal point of the song?"

"No."

"Then what WAS the point?" Rachel asked curiously.

"Uh. . ." Having little to no experience of living in America, or getting the historical references of the song, she didn't have much of an idea, either. "The point of the song was. . . uh. . .DON'T YOU HAVE SOMEONE ELSE TO ANNOY?!"

"Ruffy, can I annoy you?!" Rachel shouted, calling back to him where he sat beside the left wing.

"NO! AND DON'T CALL ME RUFFY!" the president shouted back angrily.

"YEAH!" Keily agreed. "DON'T CALL BROTHER RUFFY! RUUUFFFY!" she squealed, glomping him.

"You're wrinkling my suit. . ."

"So, no, I don't have anyone else to bother," Rachel said.

"Why don't you talk to Laura?"

"She's knocked out right now."

Laura was sitting flat on her back, snoring, with a bottle of beer next to her.

"You think she has a problem?" asked Tifa, blinking.

"She's not DRUNK. . .," Rachel said. "Just. . .content."

"Hey, can I use that excuse next time?" Reno asked.

"You can," Tifa said. "Just that nobody will believe you."

"DAMMIT!"

"Hey, is that Guam?" asked Alannah, peering over the side of the gargantuan dragon. "It's an island, it's shiny, and I REALLY NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!"

"Oh quit whining. . .," Tifa sighed.

"I DON'T THINK BAHAMUT WOULD LIKE IT IF I WET MY TROUSERS ON HIM!" Alannah shouted. "PLEEEEAAAASE?! THAT'S GUAM RIGHT DOWN THERE!"

"NO!" Tifa roared. "FIRST, WE NEED TO KNOW WHERE LAURA ACTUALLY LIVES!"

Laura snored on.

"Great," said Cloud. "Our sense of direction is sleeping."

"Cloud, I need a Turbo Ether," Tifa said, holding out her hand behind her, expecting him to put one in her hand. "I'm running low again."

"Even WITH the HP MP materia?" asked Yuffie.

"YES!" said Tifa. "This guy isn't easy to summon! QUICKLY!"

"Er. . ." Cloud had a nervous smile. "We're out."

"WHHAAAAAAAAAAAT?!" Tifa screamed.

"I heard a bear," Laura said, opening her eyes after Tifa's scream. ". . . ." She looked around groggily, seeing only the sky. "Since when did bears fly?"

"EVERYONE, HOLD ON TO THEIR PANTIES!" Tifa said, steering Bahamut downward. "IT'S GONNA BE A BUMPY LANDING!"

"I HAVE BOXERRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrssssssss!" Steve shouted, in the descent, his voice being drowned out by the wind.

"THAT'S HOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTttttt. . ." Rachel shouted after him, the same effect happening.

"Ah," said Alannah, standing on the ground. "Nothing broken."

"Yep!" said Rachel, agreeing. "See Tifa? Nothing's broken, so cheer up!"

"Rachel. . .," Tifa said calmly. "If you hadn't noticed. . .WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A FOREST, LOST WITH NO SENSE OF DIRECTION-

"Like I said, she's asleep," Cloud repeated, pointing to Laura who was asleep beside a tree.

"Sn-snuck, huh?" asked Laura, just waking up, leaning against a tree. "Nyess?"

"WITH NO SENSE OF DIRECTION. . ." Tifa continued, "AND YOU SOUND LIKE WE'RE IN HAPPY FUN LAND!"  
"WE'RE IN HAPPY FUN LAND?!" Rachel exclaimed. "I WANNA RIDE THE ROLLER COASTER!"

"Rachel?" asked Aeris. "Tell me, do you hear yourself?"

"Quite clearly," Rachel said. "Do you hear voices?"

"Quite clearly," said Aeris. ". . .We're even?"

"Yes," Rachel nodded.

"I didn't know Guam had its own language. . .," Dayna said, looking at a bunch of sign in a foreign language, posted on the trees, with arrows.. "What do you call it?"

"Um, it's called Japanese," Laura said, looking at the signs.

"But, we're in-AW, CRAP!" Tifa shouted.

"And it's not Japanese, it's Wutaian," Yuffie said, hands on her hips. "Rachel, I didn't know there were Wutaians here!"

". . . .Well, that explains everything," Rachel said, blinking. "Now I know everything I need to know about FF7. Except, since you could earn different dates, I wonder which one Cloud really DID go on?"

"All four," he said. "Barret was first, then Aeris, Tifa, and finally, Yuffie."

"YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE GOING TO THE BATHROOM!" Tifa shouted at Aeris.

"AND YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE GOING TO PLACE SOME BETS ON THE CHOCOBOS!" Aeris shouted back.

"AND YOU!" they both said, turning to Yuffie. "YOU TOLD US YOU WERE GOING TO GIVE BACK THE MATERIA YOU STOLE!"

"Hey, it's not my fault I can give a good speech about feeling guilty," Yuffie said stubbornly. "I lived with Godo, it came naturally. That, and you're just a bunch of gullible pigeons."

"Not quite. . .," Tifa said. "I know someone who's even MORE gullible."

"So, at the end of the rainbow, there really ARE skittles?!" asked Rachel excitedly.

"Yep," Steve nodded, with a fake smile. "And at the end of the rainbow, you can also find hippie leprechauns that MAKE the skittles. They're billionaires now, though."

"See?" asked Tifa, sighing. "Not only isn't she bright enough to find her way out of a closet with a map-

"Maybe because it's so dark in the closet, she can't see," said Yuffie, interjecting, then catching Tifa's glare and smiling weakly. "Riiiiight. . .You were saying?"

"She's so gullible, I'm surprised nobody has conned us out of our money," Tifa finished.

"Okay, I need five dollars for the information I just gave you," he said. Then he became shifty eyed. "That information is top secret."

"All right!" Rachel agreed.

"SEE?!" Tifa said pointing her finger at Rachel. "SEEEEEE?!"

"But I can't give you five dollars, because we don't have dollars," Rachel said. "Sorry 'bout that. But I can pay you back. . .IN SKITTLES!" she shouted happily, pulling out a giant bag of skittles.

"WOOHOO! SKITTLES!" said Mars, walking over and diving his hand into the bag of candy.

"Er. . .skittles. . .riiiight," said Steve, looking at this alternative payment. "Where DID you get these?"

"Hmm. . . .," Rachel said, deep in thought. "From the hippie leprechauns!"

"Wow, Tifa," Aeris said, after watching that. "NOW I understand why you lose your temper. Tifa?"

"STOP IT WITH THE SKITTLES!" Tifa shouted, smacking Rachel upside the head.

"OWIE!" Rachel pouted. "I hate it when my brother does that, and I don't like it when you do that. . ."

"Skittles come from a suit-and-tie conglomerate company by Nestle. They are mainly sugar, extracts, and food coloring, meant to have no nutritional value whatsoever, and cause diabetes in small children," said Tifa. "THAT'S where skittles come from, and that's why you shouldn't eat them!"

"Mmm. . .," said Rachel, eating a red one, ignoring Tifa. "Diabetes."

"STOP THAT!" Tifa finally seized the bag, and handed them to Steve. "There."

"Uh. . .thanks?" he said, as Tifa walked away.

"Right," she said, looking at the signs. ". . .I can't read that. Does ANYONE know what they say?!"

"I DO!" said both Laura and Yuffie at the same time.

"And now I understand what sets Rachel and Laura apart," Cloud said. "Laura is actually useful."

"That sign just tells us to keep going straight, and we should hit a shrine," Laura said, reading the sign. "Maybe there'll be people at the shrine to tell us where to go, and until then, we should sleep, then leave in the morning. Your magic should be recovered by then, right?"

"True," Tifa said. "Okay people! Get your fannies in gear, 'cause we're going hiking!"

"HAH!" said Mike, taking a manly pose with his foot upon a rock, pointing into the distance. "HIKING?! I AM A RUGGED MAN OF THE MOUNTAINS! I SHALL LEAD YOU FEARLESSLY, LIKE A REAL MAN SHOULD! ONLY STURDY, MANLY MEN WITH RIPPLING MUSCLES LIKE ME SHOULD LEAD, RIGHT GUYS?! . . Guys?"

"All right! Tifa is leading us!" everyone decided.

"Let's go!" Tifa said, taking front and marching off.

"HEY!" Mike said, running after them. "WHAT ABOUT BEING MANLY?!"

"Despite Tifa's plus-size womanhood, she's probably more manly than you are," Sky said. "And we need someone whose head is not clouded by massive amounts of testosterone. We don't want to die. Now, are you going to gape or walk?"

"Fiiiiiine. . ." he whined. "But we better have trail mix. . ."

Leading a group into the woods, Tifa guided them where the signs with the arrows pointed, designating a set distance to the shrine, marching for about a half hour in the woods. Needlessly to say, some people just can't shut up.

"Are we there yet?" asked Rachel.

"No," Tifa replied.

Rachel looked into the forest, and then up to the sky, then to her feet, and scratched her shoulder. "Are we there yet?"

"No," Tifa said again.

"Can we sing songs?"

"No."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"How many more miles?"

"About half."

"How long will that be?"

"Not long."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"No."

"Can you say anything other than 'no'?"

"Yes."

"Is grass green?"

"Yes."

"Are chocobos multicolored?"

"Yes."

"Does two plus two equal four?"

"Yes."

"Is Cloud stupid?"

"Yes."

"HEY!" Cloud shouted.

"Are those combat boots you're wearing?"

"Yes."

"Are we there yet?"

"No."

"DAMMIT!" Rachel shouted, apparently her plan to trap Tifa in a rut of answers not working. "When ARRREEE WEEEE THEEERRREEE?!"  
"As soon as you shut up!" Tifa replied irritably. "Now, stop asking questions and keep walking."

"You know. . . ." Vincent said in a hushed tone. "I hear people never return from these forests. . ."

"Then why are there signs?" asked Laura.

"Because the people who put them up never returned, and they lure travelers in further into the forest. . ." he explained, the mood getting inexorably darker. "They say a bunch of ghosts of those who died in a great battle that was here in the woods trap travelers here, because they're so lonely in death and want company in the afterlife. . .And some are just vengeful about their death, and literally scare their victims to death. . ." He narrowed his eyes, and spoke on. "They float without restriction to the ground, wherever they want, chasing their victims until they meet their demise with an animal, or off a cliff into a river, and some just become possessed by the specters, and they use their victims bodies to attack others. . ."

Some rolled their eyes, and some were listening intently.

"But you can tell when they're coming, because they scream like banshees, but sometimes if they DO want to posses you, they just – APPEAR!" Vincent had strangely slipped from the shadows, right in the middle where the girls where walking, looking out of his cloak with inhuman, shining red eyes.

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" Laura screamed, and then grappled Vincent's arm. "THAT'S NOT NICE, VINCENT!"

"SAVE ME, CLOUDY!" shouted both Holly and Jessie, hopping into Cloud's arms.

"I can't help it if I'm such a stud. . .," Cloud said, winding up carrying both of them, and Aeris was clinging to his side.

"This is fun," said Steve, with two girls on his arms, both Sky and Chikara.

"Mommy," said Mars, who had hopped into Tifa's arms.

"A-HEM!" Tifa coughed.

Mars smiled and waved. "You're looking pretty as ever. OW!"

Tifa testily dropped him flat on his butt.

"MEEEEP!" Rachel screamed, holding on to what she expected to be Cloud, then finding she staring into a pair of brown eyes. "Cloudy, I didn't know think you had brown eyes. Huh?" She looked up and found a couple stray red hairs. "Red hair?"

"Awww. . .," cooed Kiro's voice, Kiro herself taking Rachel's head and quite uncomfortably snuggling it into herself. "I should've KNOWN you'd warm up to me after our little time in our love nest!"

"MWUV MWEFT?!" Rachel shouted, muffled by Kiro's chest. "MPHT FWOO TWALKIN' BOUT, VWADY?!"

"Kiro, let the dipstick go. OR ELSE," Tifa ordered.

"You're no fun. . .," Kiro said, releasing Rachel. "Maybe another night. . ."

"Yeah, another night in Hell frozen over. . .," Rachel grumbled.

Two things happened when they screamed. But both were nearly the same, just both had reached different receptors. And both were two sides of the same coin.

"Hrrrrrmmm. . ." There was a low purr from something above the branches, right over the group, watching them pass by. It drew a playful smile, and ran off as fast as it came.

"Don't tell me MORE stupid wanderers passed through this forest. . .," said a male voice, standing in the shadowy underbrush, a little ways off from the trail everyone was following. "For FIVE HUNDRED YEARS, it NEVER fails. . .," the voice complained, hacking through the bushes. "JUST when it gets quiet, Hype finds someone else to play with. . ."

"See? We got there all right," said Tifa, walking up to the old shrine, large in comparison to most. Ivy snaked up the sides, crawling its fingers over some of the old, red painted stairs into the shrine. It had doors on each of its walls, the from the outside the interior looked spacious, and when Tifa slid the creaky door, everything was at a standstill. It was apparent nobody had inhabited the place in many years. "I guess we're going to be here for a while."

"Do we REALLY have to?" asked Chikara, looking at the musty floors.

"Yes, we do. . .," Tifa sighed.

"Or, we could sleep outside. . .," Cloud suggested. "But, it just might be better in here, so we don't attract any animals."

"Don't attract any animals?" asked Korus. "That's funny. I'm just an attractive animal, myself." He flashed a white smile, not one that impressed any of the girls. "Hey beautiful, why don't you play me a song?" He was, of course, talking to Kristi, his favorite.

"Well. . .," she said, responding rather irritably, "why don't I just shove this violin case straight up your-

"GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!" said Tifa, laughing nervously, ushering some out of the room. "Eheheheheh. . .Okay, let's all pick our rooms, okay? KIRO! NO!"

Kiro was already dragging Rachel off somewhere. "FIIIIIINE!" She stormed off with Nyow, Sadie, and Selena.

"Uh, I'll just take this room," said Rachel, sitting down.

"Yep!" Laura declared. "This'll be fun!"

"AHHHHHHHHH!" Holly shrieked. "SPIDER!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. . . . .AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Rachel sprang up from her spot, ran around screaming, took a deep breath, and started running and screaming again.

"RACHEL!" Holly yelled.

"AHHHHHHHHH!"

"RAAAAACHEL!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"FOR GOD'S SAKE WOMAN, SNAP OUT OF IT!" Holly shook Rachel until she snapped out of it. "Damn, I was only kidding."

"Phew. . .," Rachel sighed, breathing a little easier. "That was. .. H-Holly?"

"Yes?"

". . . .Spiders. . ." Rachel pointed a finger to the corner of the wall, up on the ceiling where several spiders resided by each other, crawling on their translucent silver spinning. "MOMMY! TIFA! ANYONE WHO WEARS COMBAT BOOTS! HEEEELLLLP!"

"I like spiders. . .," said Christina, walking over to the wall, letting one land on her finger as it hung down. "They won't hurt you if you don't provoke them."

"P-please. . .," Rachel sobbed. "Take them away. . ."

"Sissy. . ."

The thing in the trees smiled again and landed on a tree with a better view into the window of the room Rachel and Laura was staying in. Hopping down from the tree, it crawled closer.

"Today was tiring. . .," Laura sighed, sitting on the floor, while Rachel was lying face first on it. "You think so, Rachel?"

"Zzzzzzz. . .," she snored. "I'd like some bicycling toast, on a high-wire. . ."

"Acrobatic breakfast?" Laura asked, confused. "Okaaaay. . .ANYWAY, I suppose I'll just-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Shhhh. . ." a black gloved handed covered her mouth. "Just follow me."

"I don't think many people would expect this." Tifa was sitting in a circle with Aeris, Cloud, and Yuffie, cards strewn on the floor, and a small hovering flame was with a few others about the room, generated by some materia. "Or, maybe they would."

"HEY! SOMEBODY HERE IS CHEATING!" Aeris whined, sitting in a towel. "HOW COULD I ALREADY BE NAKED?!"

"Well, maybe you're just really bad at this, Aeris," Yuffie suggested, rolling her eyes. "Anyway, I'M playing for materia, so WHY is this strip poker?!"

"Because, we can never go an episode without it?" Cloud guessed.

"Episode? What are you talking about?" asked Tifa. "Cloud, have you been smoking something?"

"No," he said, laying down two cards. "I've just noticed that when your get down to it, our lives are like some stupid sitcom."

"Eeeeyeaaaaaah. . . ," said Yuffie, laying down four cards. "Anyway, I have a better hand than you, SOOOOOO CLOOUD. . ." She grinned widely. "Hand over your Iron Bangle. WITH THE MATERIA!" All of a sudden, in a breath of cold wind, the light generated by the fires, as well as the fire itself, blew out, and sent the cards in the room tumbling in a whirlwind. "Whoooooaaaaaa. . .Cloud, if you're THAT upset about me winning your materia, just hand it over before your mood gets worse."

"You mean. . .that WASN'T you, Yuffie?" Tifa asked, looking around cautiously.

"C-COLD!" Aeris said, freezing in her towel.

"No. . .Wasn't me. . ." Yuffie said. Her eye caught a glimpse of something moving in the tree, and scowled, then stood up. "Hey uh. . .Do you believe in haunted shrines?"

"HEY! GET THE !$& AWAY!" Cid was trying to shoo Kiako off his leg before he went to sleep, in the same room with Shera and Lucrecia, whom unsurprisingly, are good friends.

"WAAAAAAAAAH!" And, of course, Kiako went to crying.

"CIIIIID!" Both Shera and Lucrecia were giving him the evil eye.

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT SHE CAN'T TAKE A HINT!" Cid yelled. "IT DOESN'T TAKE A ROCKET SCIENTIST!"

"What now?" asked Shera. "Rocket scientist?"

"YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!" he shouted. "GET HER OFF MY DAMNED LEG!"

"Cid never ceases to amaze me with his volume," sighed Vincent, sitting with Laura next to him on the wooden step outside his room.

Laura laughed nervously. "Really? I was never impressed to begin with. Uh. . .Vinnie?"

"Hm?" he asked, his face half masked by his cloak.

"Is it just me, or does this place give you the creeps. . ." Laura looked warily at the shadows that wavered on the ground.

"I see you haven't lived in the Shinra mansion," he said.

"Oh, you mean the Missing Number, Yin and Yan, Girofelgo, and those floating pumpkins that live there? Good point. But, I've never really seen one, because I heard you destroyed all of them when you moved in," she said.

"They're called Funny Faces, and yes, I did destroy them," said he, answering her. "Just what you think is creepy, and what I think is creepy are two different things."

"Okaaaaaaaaay. . .," she said, still watching the shadows. "What DO you think is creepy?"

"The Happy Mask man, Hojo and Lucrecia together, oh, and that happy fat chocobo," he said, narrowing his eyes.

"Vincent. . . ," Laura groaned. "You're not very funny. . ."

"NO, REALLY!" he said, trying to pass a lame joke. "DON'T THOSE THINGS SCARE YOU?!"

She sighed, and rolled her eyes. "Vinnie, you need to get a sense of humor. . .NO WONDER YOU COULDN'T KEEP LUCRECIA! SHE MUST'VE BEEN BORED TO DEATH WITH YOU!"

He made a visible frown when he leaned forward and revealed the lower half of his face. He set his metal hand forward and watched the light bounce off, glowering with the remembrance of a loathsome memory. "What sets us apart is our identities, not our age," Vincent said. "Not many people think of it that way, but if there's something I want to happen, I don't want you to be concerned about me. It causes too much trouble."

"You know what, Vincent?" said Laura, tucking her feet in and setting her elbows on top of her knees to hold her head. "Sometimes, I think you're too serious. HERE!" She put her fingers in his mouth, and stretched the corners upwards to make a smile.

Vincent, however, was practically screaming, looking at Laura incredulously. "MUFT TWAR YOOTH DOINGTH?! RELEATH ME!"

Laura began laughing really hard and removed her hands. "No, never mind. . ." she sighed, with a smile on her face. "Smiling just doesn't suit you. But, that's not to say I don't enjoy seeing you smile." Lying down flat on her back, she tilted her head in the direction of the bushes. ". . .I'm sleepy. What about you?"

"I'm fine. I'm always up late," he said, unemotionally. He shifted his legs a bit, and tapped his fingers into the dirt.

"Hey, can you feel with that hand?" asked Laura, sitting back up, holding it.

"No," he replied, letting her hold and prod at it. ". . . .You enjoy doing that, don't you?"

Laura blinked, and stopped poking at it, realizing what she was doing. "Eheheheh," she laughed, letting him have it back. "I guess I got carried away about it. . .I'm going to go in, okay?" she said, shivering. "I left my jacket inside, and it's getting kinda late. . ."

"Here," he said, moving his left arm. "If you want part of my cloak, it's fine."

"YAY! HUGS FOR VINNIE!" Laura grappled on to his arm after throwing up a corner of his cloak up and huddling under it. "By the way, I wasn't really cold."

"Oh, that's funny. . . ," he said, putting his arm on her shoulder. "I really can feel with that arm, but I just like it when you massage my hand like that."

"VINNIE!" she shouted, elbowing him slightly. "THAT'S NOT NICE!"

"Temper, temper. . .," he reminded.

A few silent moments passed, drawing themselves out of a near breathless night, stingy with wind and mainly calm. Laura was zoning out, swaying from drowsiness. Vincent, however, seemed as alert as ever.

"Heeeeeey, Vinniiieeee. . . .," she said in a drawl. "Don'tcha ever sleeeeeep?"

"Yes," he replied. "Usually at two."

"YOU MUST BE KIDDING!" she said as loudly as she could muster in her state. "Okay, fine then. I just can't sleep when someone is hanging off my arm," he said.

She leered back at him.

"Fine, have it your way. . .," he sighed. "After reexamining that god forsaken map, I could tell that Guam is not that far away. . .Tell me, what do you suppose you'll do after all this is said and done?"

She made an odd expression of thought with her face, scrunching it up, and then took a few moments and replied, "Well, I do have college this year, so I guess I'll be studying. . ."

"Really?" he asked.

"NAW! WHO HONESTLY DOES THAT?!" Laura exclaimed. "But. . .I think it's obvious that I'll return to the normal routine of everything. . .Waking up early, getting to school late. . .Eating unhealthily and laughing at all the people who live off celery, being with Angel. . .o? . . .Oh, dear." She blinked many times at this point, and stood up out of his arms. "Mind if I call it a night?" She was starting to sweat bullets.

"Are you okay?" he asked, examining her face. "You're looking pale. . ."

"Oh, I'm all right, Vincent. . . .," she said, opening her door to her room. "Good night. . ."

"Laura," he said, taking hold of her hand with his claw before she stepped inside. But he paused a moment. "Never mind. Good night."

"ALL RIGHTY!" she said, maybe all too eager before stepping into her room. "NIGHTY, NIGHT!" After completely stepping inward, she shut the door, and leaned against it, heaving a heavy sigh. "Well, there's one problem not solved too easily. . ."

_"She seemed hurried. . ."_, Vincent thought to himself. _"Hmm, maybe I really am just too old for her. . .It would explain a few things. . .AHHH, THE PAIN OF REJECTION REARS ITS UGLY HEAD, YET AGAIN! I MUST REPENT! QUICK! WHERE'S A POINTY STICK?! . . .Huh?"_ His eyes glanced at the bush that just moved. in a fleeting movement, he had leaped over to the bush, and pulled out duel pistols, only to find a. . .

"Meow?" A gray tabby was sitting at his feet innocently. It looked up curiously, then ran away.

"Hmph," he said, watching it run off. "Something about this place that just isn't right."

"STUPID GUARDING A DAMN WELL. . .," mumbled the man, walking around in an all too familiar SOLDIER uniform. "I'VE BEEN HERE FOR 3,000 YEARS!" His white coat trailed behind his ankles. "AND IT STILL TAKES AN ETERNITY TO GET AROUND!" He rounded the corner, and caught a glimpse of the shrine from the underbrush. Noticing Vincent, he scowled. "So THAT'S what they're up to. . ." He sat hidden, barely noticeable, in wait.

"Mmmmm, muffins. . .," Surka muttered in her sleep. "Oh yes, the wall curtains go lovely with that suit. . ."

Kiro was sneaking about the rooms, now in the one Surka was in. She slid open the next door, and found Laura.

"Oh God, how do I explain THAT to Vincent, HUH?!" Laura said, sitting in the corner, her face twisted up in thought. "Oh, yes Vincent, I'm sorry, but I already have a boyfriend. You've been a wonderful companion, though. Bye?! IT DOESN'T WORK OUT THAT WAAAAAAAY!"

"Damn, that woman's got issues. . .," Kiro muttered to herself, then sliding open the next door, all while sneaking about in the shadows. ". . . Hellooooooo. . ." She finally ran into Rachel's room. "Heheheheheh. . .She'll NEVER remember to lock the doors. . .Well, if this place had locks. ANYWAY. . ." Tiptoeing to the next spot, her foot ran into a creaky floorboard. She winced at the noise that seemed painfully loud, but noticing nobody was moving, more importantly, neither Rachel, NOR Tifa (Can't forget the pain factor). ". . .Phew."

"SNUCK!" Rachel was waking up. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! A WORLD WITHOUT CHOCOLATE!" She blinked, then looked up at Kiro, who dreaded the worst. ". . .Oh, hello Kiro. Nice morning, isn't it?"

"Um. . .yes?" said Kiro, nodding nervously.

"Tell me, do we have any chocolate?" Rachel was obviously still fatigued.

"I think we do. . .," she said, going along with it.

"Good. Night, night." Rachel's head thudded against the floor, sound asleep again.

". . . ." Kiro was speechless. ". . .Well, at least-

"RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!" Yuffie was bolting through the sliding door, which pounded and snapped open.

"YUFFIE?!" Kiro was wondering about her sudden erratic behavior. "WHAT'S GOING ON?!"

"GHOOOOOOOOOOOSTS!"

"WE'RE NOT WATCHING SCOOBY-DOO!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!" Yuffie grabbed Kiro's arm and started running with her.

"WHAT ABOUT RACHEL?!"

"SHE'S EXPENDABLE!"

"AAAAACK!" Kiro didn't very much enjoy what was going on. . .clearly.

Slowly, Tifa., Cloud, and Aeris were trudging out, their eyes were blank white, moving lethargically.

Yuffie and Kiro were hiding right outside the door.

"Holy crap!" Kiro hissed. "What the hell?!"

"I dunno, the lights went off, and suddenly, they wouldn't talk to me anymore. Then, they just went like. . .like. . .LIKE THAT!" Yuffie replied, motioning with her head.

Tifa's head moved in the direction of Rachel's sleeping body. Cloud and Aeris followed her, and Tifa, pulled on her metal claw glove, pulled back her arm. One fluid movement, and she stabbed.

"AHHHHH!" Rachel bolted upright again, Tifa missing her target. "KIRO, GET OUT OF MY ROOM!" With the same speed as she bolted up, she slapped Tifa right on her face. Tifa blinked, and her eyes were back to normal.

"Hah?" asked Tifa, looking around. "Heeeey. . .," then she looked at Rachel. "DID YOU JUST SLAP ME?! WHY YOU. . .Myuh?"

Rachel was pointing a shaking finger behind Tifa's back. "T-Tifa. . .I think I finally found something scarier than you. . ."

"What's. . .that?" Tifa turned around and saw Cloud, lifting his sword. "ACK! CLOUD!"

"NOOOO!" said Rachel. "AERIS, PUT ON SOME CLOTHES, WILL YA'?!"

Yuffie and Kiro fell over.

"SHE'S WEARING A TOWEL! THAT'S FINE!" Tifa said, picking Rachel up over her shoulder. "NOW, LET'S GO!" She sprang up, just in time to dodge Cloud's powerful strike to the ground. Beating her boots against the floors, she hopped out of the building, set Rachel down, and bounded off, turning around to yell, "GET EVERYONE ELSE BEFORE THEY GET POSSESSED!"

Rachel blinked a couple times. ". . .Oh, what a nice night, indeed."

"Choco, choco, chocolaaaaate. . .," sang Konoshi, strolling into her room eating a candy bar. ". . .Huh? ACK!"

"What ARE they doing?" asked the man, still watching from the bushes. He sensed a rustle of a bush to his left. Instinctively, his eyes darted left, only to find Aeris in her towel. "HUUUUUH?!"

She was still blank faced, searching slowly but carefully for any trace of Yuffie, Tifa, or Rachel, or anyone for that matter. She approached him unknowingly, unwary of his presence.

_"YES!"_ he thought, blushing. _"IT'S MY DUTY! I MUST SAVE HER!"_ "MADAM!" he shouted, coming out of the bushes. "AS PROTECTOR OF THIS SHRINE, I. . .huh?"

Aeris sauntered up to him casually, putting an arm around his hip, caressing his cheek with the other. She stroked him affectionately, and smiled.

"M-MADAM!" he said, turning a scarlet color. "P-PLEASE, DON'T MAKE ME!"

Aeris just continued, and closed her eyes, giving him a kiss.

He started to bug out, and then clenched the corners of his mouth. "I WARNED YOU!" Begrudgingly, he lifted a hand and smacked her clear across her face.

Blinking a few times, she saw the man standing in front ofher. ". . .Hah? EEEEEEEEEEK!" She realized she was just standing in a towel. "PERVERRRRT!"

"MADAM, NO!"

"COMING ON TO ME, YOU FREAK!"

"HEY, YOU CAME ON TO ME FIRST!"

"LIAAAAAAR!" she screamed. "I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"AERIS!" Tifa came running over to her and the man. "STAND BACK! I KNOW HE'S UP TO THIS!" Taking the traditional fighting stance, she narrowed her eyes, and looked back fiercely.

"PLEASE, LADIES!" he shouted. "IF YOU WANT ME TO EXPLAIN, I'LL HAVE TO LIVE! I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU!"

"Not the right person to talk to, mister. . .," said Rachel, walking up to them. "Don't worry Tifa, I got them all. . .  
"You better have, dummy. . ." Tifa growled.

"Anyway, mister. . .," Rachel continued. "Tifa's not the right one to talk to if you think you can hurt her. . .Want to see the scars?"

"Um, no thanks. . .," he replied. "I'll just take your word for it. . ."

"Wow, Rachel did something useful?" asked Keily, standing with the assembled group of people Rachel woke up and collected.

"Well, it's awfully hard to sleep through a shrill cry of, 'AERIS IS IN A TOWEL, TRYING TO KILL PEOPLE!'," said Korus. "I mean, I would've settled for the first part, but then she just killed it for me."

"I know what you mean. . .," Mars sighed.

"Is everyone even here?" asked Laura. "Someone seems to be missing. . .Is it just me, or is it less silver and pink around here?"

"Konoshi. . .," said Sky, laughing nervously. "Can't forget her hair. . ."

"No, she's right over there," said Surka, pointing to Konoshi, standing in a battle stance, gripping her polearm aggressively.

"Yeah, but something seems wrong," said Jessie. ". . .Is she not holding a yaoi?!"

"NEVER!" Keily gasped.

"AND YOU'RE THE CHILD GENIUS?!" Holly exclaimed. "SHE WANTS TO KILL US!"

"You really think so?" Jessie asked. "Wow, that's a new one!"

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" Holly screamed in irritation. "START RUNNING!"

"Look, I don't run from anything!" Mike said, polishing his nails on his cloak. "IT'S TIME TO DIE! YEEHAW!" He whipped out his two duel rifles impressively, spinning them on his thumbs.

"You're a bit late," said Christina, pointing out that Condrugon was already fighting her.

"D'OH!"  
"THERE'S. . .OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING CONTROLLING HER!" he said, parrying her weapon, circling to his left.

Konoshi took one step back, returned to her aggressive stance, and smirked. She left a thin cut on his face.

"OH, AND HOW DO YOU FIGURE?!" Holly shouted back, wondering if this man was retarded.

"BECAUSE SHE'S A LOT STRONGER AND BETTER THAN SHE NORMALLY IS!" he replied, knocking Konoshi out with the hilt of his frozen sword, letting her hit the ground with an audible thud on the grass. He took a deep breath, and sighed. "Trust me, this fight would've been a lot shorter. Let's find the other three and hope they didn't end up like this."

"Yes, that's about the story here. . .," said the man, who identified himself as Wraithe.

"So, let me get this straight. . .," said Tifa. Aeris was changing back into her clothes in the bushes.

"WHY THE BUSHES, TIFA?!" Aeris complained.

"Because, if you go back inside, you could get possessed again, that's why," Tifa explained. "Now. . .Three hundred years ago, there was a battle fought in this forest. . . ," she said. "Most of the warriors here perished at the hands of two demons, the rest, had fought the other enemy, which was human, as I understand it. . .And they were fighting for-

"A well," he said. "It was a well that granted eternal life, but at one price. . .You could never leave this forest."

"Wow, what kind of crappy price is THAT?!" asked Rachel. "Why not transform you into the most wretched creature alive?! Or give you hairy eyebrows FOREVER?! WAX CANNOT SAVE YOU!"

Wraithe and Tifa both gave her a look of silence.

"Heheh," she laughed. "Okay, you can continue now."

"So, that's what happened to you?" Tifa asked.

"Yes, basically. I cannot leave this forest, so I protect-

"The well?"

"No, that's just stupid," he said. "Who honestly protects a well?! I protect people from the well, so they don't have the same fate as I do. But, there's one way to break that little catch. . ."

"What's that?" Aeris asked, walking out of the bushes in her normal garb. "I SWEAR that owl was staring at me. . ."

"If you don't mind me saying so, madam, but you are one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen in over my 300 years of existence. Don't be surprised if the rest of the world and nature itself envies you," he said.

Aeris blushed the red of her jacket. "U-uh, call me Aeris. . ."

"Aeris," he said, with a tiny smile. "It's a pretty name, so it suits you. . .Anyway. . ." he continued, "the one who sets up the rules are the demons that live here. If you can get the demons to revoke the curse, you'll be free. But, that won't happen unless you kill them. . ."

"Really?" asked Tifa.

"That's how I suppose it is, seeing how stubborn they are. .. They'd sooner die," he sighed.

"ALLL RIIIIGHT!" said Rachel. "LET'S KILL SOME DEMONS!"

"DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME?!" Wraithe exclaimed. "THEY KILLED OVER A TWO THOUSAND SOLDIERS!"

"Did you see the demons?" asked Tifa.

"Right after I found the well, yes. . ." said he. "After barely surviving a fight with an enemy soldier, I had collapsed, falling down a well. . .At the bottom, there was a cavern, which I had naturally followed, too tired to climb the ivy back up. I heard the sound of water, until I had finally stumbled upon it, a pool of water that seemed to glow."

"And kids, that's why we shouldn't pollute the water supply," Rachel commented.

"QUUIIIEEET. . . ," Tifa warned. "Wraithe, ignore the dumb one."

"Thank you," he said politely. "Thirsty as I was, I had drank from it. A pair of eyes seemed to dart out at me from the shadows. . .It was the form of something inhuman with eyes that pierced right through me, holding a bloody battle ax. . .I'd care if I'd never see it again, and I try and ensure nobody else will have to see it, either. That's why I have to take you away from this forest."

"TIFAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" shouted Laura, waving to her. "TIFA, WE'RE HERE!"

"Good," Tifa said, standing up from sitting on the grass with Wraithe. "We only need one more idiot. . ."

"Who are they?" asked Wraithe.

"You'll see. I have a plan," Tifa said with a wink.

Wraithe blushed slightly.

"THIS ISN'T FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!" screamed Rachel, running for her life from Cloud.

"GRAAAAAAAAH!" Cloud was blindly swinging his sword in a terrible attempt to slice Rachel in two.

"You'll be fine. . ." said Christina from up in a tree, watching those two run through the forest. "The trap's up ahead. . .ACK! RACHEL! THE OTHER WAY!"

The plan? Capture Cloud. How it's being executed? Take the most useless person as bait and lure out the fish. How it's actually going? Badly.

Rachel ran to the left, instead of heading straight, right off the course of the trap, which was to catch Cloud in a hole.

"I SPENT TWO HOURS DIGGING!" Steve shouted. "AHHHHH! WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?!"

"Because God loves spiting you," said Kami. "Or, at least the one in control of all this does. . ."

"GONNA DIE, GONNA DIE, GONNA DIE. . ." Rachel was nervously looking for a place to hide. Wandering around, she looked to her back, ensuring Cloud wasn't following. Nervously, she sat down upon some loose scattered rocks. ". . .Phew."

"GRAAAAAAH!" Cloud came charging out of the bushes, sword over head.

"YEEEEEEEEK!" With a kick of her heels to stand up, Rachel lost balance, and fell over.

Down the entrance of the well, disguised by fallen branches and leaves.

"Yeah, that was definitely a Rachel scream," said Keily. "So, what do we do now, Tifa?"

"Find her, naturally. . .," Tifa sighed.

"Uh, Tifa?" said Christina, hopping from tree to tree to find her.

"What?"

"Follow me. . .," she said, leading them to where Rachel ran off to. "I can't believe I'm helping her. . ."

"My face. . . it hurts. . .," grumbled Rachel, after falling twenty-five feet, right onto her face. Yes, she's that hard-headed. After sitting back up, she flicked a pebble off her face, and looked forward, down a deep, humid passageway, where at the end, an inhuman light glowed from the darkness. ". . .Oh, that must be the chemical pond that weird guy was talking about! . . .Oh crap. Well, there's no place to go but up. . .Or straight, but I don't feel like dying. . .Hm?" She looked down into the passage, and saw a gray little tabby.

"Meow?" he went, tilting its head, then running off.

"OOOOOOH! KITTY!" said Rachel, following it happily.

"Yeah, that was Rachel. . .," Tifa sighed, standing above the well. "Cloud, stop squirming."

"I DON'T ENJOY THIS!" he said, flailing around, tied up with rope on his arms and legs.

"I do," said Selena, sitting on top of his back to keep him quiet.

"BUT YOU'RE NOT MEEEEEEE!" he whined.

"Oh, just be quiet, you. . ." Tifa walked over and started untying him, then picked him up.

"Ooh, right here?" asked Cloud, with a sly grin.

"Yes," she said.

"REALLY?!" he said, shocked.

"Uhuh," Tifa said, smiling sweetly. "Here," she said flatly, dropping him down the well. "TELL US HOW FAR IT IS!"

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

"KIIIITTY!" sang Rachel, chasing the little cat. "Huh?" Another one came out, this time it was an orange tabby, even younger looking than the gray one. "TWO KITTIES! YAAAAAY!" And again, she went on chasing them further down the cavern.

"That better not have messed up my hair. . .," said Cloud, sitting up and rubbing his head.

"aaaahhhhHHHHHHH! OWCH! HEY! I'M ALIVE!" said Aeris, looking at her miraculous landing. On Cloud. "OW!"

"OWIE!"

"OOF!"

"OUCH!"

"PAIN!"

"MOTHER OF()&#!"

"I HEARD SOMETHING SNAP!"

"I heard something yell."

"YOWCH!"

"YOWIE!. . .Hee, hee, yaoi."

"OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Did you land on my sword?"

"I landed on SOMETHING. . ."

"Huh. . . .? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Kiako, the last to land on the pile of people hopping down on Cloud, looked up and saw Tifa falling feet first. "PLEASE, TIFA! YOU HAVE COMBAT BOOTS!"

Tifa landed beside the pile. "Yes, that I do. What are you guys all doing in a pile? Didn't you think to land on your feet and move?!"

"Um. . .MAYBE?" said Jessie, somewhere at the bottom. "I NEED AIR. . ."

"Kitties? Where for they go?" asked Rachel, looking around, standing about the glowing pond. "Don't tell me they live HERE. . ."

"Something lives here. . .," said a small voice.

"YEEK!" said Rachel, huddling in defense. "IF THIS IS A JOKE, IT'S NOT FUNNY! . . .BUT IF IT REALLY IS, I'D RATHER BE IN ON THE JOKE, NOT OUT!"

"You'll be out of something," said a much deeper voice, for the first one sounded like the cat's meowing. "Any last words?" The figure of a woman, but strange in the way anatomy would go, dressed in old warrior's armor and clothes, stood above her with a bloody axe.

"Yes," said Rachel, blinking. "MOOOOMMMYYYYYYYY! TIFAAAAAAAA! ANYONE WITH COMBAT BOOOOOOOTS! HEELLLLLLLP!"

"Say 'bye bye'. . .," said the figure, lifted up it broad sharpened side, blood dripping off of it, and swung.

CRACK!

"Oh, thank God for materia. . .," said Yuffie, who had just cast Barrier. "Rachel, you're sharpening and polishing my shurikens later."

"YES! FINE! WHATEVER!" Rachel cried, scooting back. "I THINK THIS KILLED MY LOVE FOR CATS!"

"Awww, that's a shame!" said another one, sitting on all fours, waving a leopard tail. "EVERYONE likes cats!"  
"I don't. . .," Barret muttered. "AN' ANYWAY, WHAT THE HELL ARE YA'?!"

"DON'T TALK TO HYPE THAT WAY!" the other shouted, bring down its great bloody axe, nearly missing him when she threw the blow.

"Cleo, do you have to be so brutal all the time. . .?" Hype said, standing up. "Besides. . .I LIKE this one. . ." She curled up to Korus' leg and nuzzled.

"ALL RIGHT! I GET A CAT GIRL!" he exclaimed, looking at his feet, then picking Hype up in his arms. "HAH! BEAT THAT, CLOUD!"

"Hype, you know very well we must protect this well. . .," Cleo said solemnly. "NOT UNTIL WE FIND A SUITABLE POSSESSOR!"

"Well, I like possessing stuff. . .," Yuffie said, taking a drink of the water. "Hey, did you guys know this stuff tastes like Gatorade?"

"YUFFFFFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Tifa screamed at the top of her lungs. "YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO DRINK THAT!"

"Why?" asked Yuffie. "I don't FEEL any different. . .DON'T TELL ME! IT'LL MAKE ME CONSTIPATED! SOMEONE SHOULD'VE WARNED ME! I'M DYIIIIING. . .," she said, groaning melodramatically on the ground. "FAREWELL. . .MY FRIENDS. . ."

"My my, she's annoying. . .," Wraithe sighed.

"There's something very WRONG here. . .," said Cleo. ". . .Why isn't anything happening to her?"

"That's very odd. . .," said Hype, shuffling her hand through her amber hair, past her fox ears. "OOH! DO YOU THINK-

"I doubt it. . .," Cleo sighed, setting down her axe on the ground, the base set in her hands. "I sort of expected someone more. . .MANLY."

Yuffie was hopping about, looking around Hype. "Got materia?"

"SHE KNOWS!" Hype shouted. "SHE KNOOOOOOOWS!"  
"YES!" Yuffie said excitedly, expecting a mountain of materia. "ALL YOUR MATERIA ARE BELONG TO US! OR ME, RATHER!"

"We ALL know about materia. . .," Tifa said. "What's so special?"

"You forget, there is no materia in this world. . .," said Jessie. "So, I'm supposing it's something special. . ."

"Yeaaaah. . ." said Cloud. "And what about you, bub? Why are you wearing a SOLDIER get up like me?"

"It's a long story. . .," he said. "But, I'm guessing you would understand. Let's just say that this is no ordinary part of Japan. . ."

"HEY, WE'RE NOT THAT SLOW!" Rachel shouted. ". . .Wait, what are we talking about again?"

Cleo picked herself off the floor after hearing that last statement. "AHEM!" she coughed. "Who are you?!"  
"Me?" asked Yuffie. She grinned widely and took another dramatic pose. "I AM THE GREAT NINJA YUFFIE! PRINCESS OF WUTAI, AND ALL AROUND GENIUS!" Holding her super shuriken high, she had a very toothy smile.

"Princess of Wutai, huh?" asked Cleo. Narrowing her eyes, she put a fist on the ground and genuflected.

"HUH?!" went everyone, watching. Except for Hype, who apparently knew what was going on.

"Yep!" said Hype, walking over next to her sister, taking the same pose. "Nice ta' meetcha! It's been two thousand years!"

"Huh?" asked Yuffie, looking down. "What's going on?"

"We've been waiting for someone with royal blood to break the curse of the well," Cleo explained. "After all this time, someone worthy has managed to play through our tricks. Well done."

"Me? WHY YES! ME!" said Yuffie. "I AM THE ROYAL ONE! . . .Hey, what's the curse again?"

"Naturally, as demons, we have extremely long life spans," said Cleo. "But since the beginning, our family as guarded this well, along as drinking from it. . .It hasn't affected our life spans TOO much, but. . .We're bound to protect this place."

"And, we can't leave the place, because that's the curse. That's why we couldn't run off and get a royal member to do it," said Hype. "AND BESIDES! I LIKE THIS ONE, TOO!" She stood up and huggled Yuffie. "YAY!"

"Ooh, does this mean I'll live forever?" asked Yuffie.

"Well. . .no," said Cleo. "Being the one to break the curse, the water is back to normal, now. . .It glows because of the Lifestream."

"I KNEEEEW IT!" said Aeris. "HAHA!"

"So, the Planet does have affect on this world. Fascinating," said Lucrecia, writing down notes. "So. . .WHO WANTS HUGS?!"

"HUGS!" shouted Hype, hugging Yuffie. "Yay! I can see the outside world!"  
"Get Hype upset, and people bleed," Cleo glared.

"Wait. . .What's that mean?" asked Tifa.

"It means, that people bleed when Hype gets upset. Geez Tifa, are you slipping? HONESTLY!" Rachel declared.

"No. . .," said Tifa. "I mean, by the way she put that, it sounds like-

"Yes, that we are. . .," Cleo sighed. "Wraithe. . .," she said, looking out of the corner of her catlike eye. "You know the story as much as I do. . ."

"She's right. . .," he sighed, leaning against the wall. "Whomever frees them, they have to serve until their master is dead. . .Code of honor for demons, and such," he said. "Of course, some don't listen to their duties, but. . .I think Hype likes this one."

"MASTER!" she said happily, hugging Yuffie.

"ALL RIGHT!" Yuffie exclaimed. "MINIONS!"

"No, Yuffie can't have minions. . .," Tifa sighed.

"HEY!" Yuffie protested. "ARE YOU MY MOTHER?!"  
"YEAH!" Hype agreed. "YOU HER MOTHER?!"

"Noooo. . .," said Tifa. "Yuffie's just. . .Yuffie. That's insane to give her minions!"

"Just let her have her way. . .," said Cleo, walking down the tunnel. "There's nothing you can do about it, either. Just go along with it. . .And remember. . .," she said, getting farther away. "PEOPLE BLEED. . ."

"Ooh, cooooooool. . .," said Hype, looking at Bahamut once summoned, after leading them through the forest back.

"I thought you were out of magic, Tifa. . ." said Rachel.

"I was. . .," Tifa said. "But I already slept, so I have some magic back."

"WHEN did you sleep?!" Asked Aeris.

"THAT will remain top secret information. . .," said Tifa, jumping onto the dragon's back. "LET'S GET LAURA HOME!"

"I wonder, if being a zombie was considered the sleep," said Rachel, climbing up.

"Maybe. . .," said Laura, sitting next to Rachel. "Rachel, did today make any sense?"

"No, not at all," said Rachel, shaking her head. "But since when did ANYTHING make sense around here? I try not to ask questions about that."

"Especially since Lucrecia keeps giving us a Sex Ed talk."

"AND THIS IS CHRISTINA, MY DAUGHTER!" Lucrecia said happily, pulling Christina by the arm over to the demons. "ISN'T SHE WONDERFUL?!"

"MOTHER. . .," she gasped, having the life squeezed out of her from Lucrecia in a massive hug. "I'D HATE TO SAY IT, BUT YOUR HUGS IN ITSELF IS A STRUGGLE FOR SURVIVAL. . ."

"HERE WE GOOOOOO!" shouted Tifa, urging Bahamut into the air, patting it on the head. "Yeah, all my summon friends are cool. . .Laura, I'll need to know where to drop you off when we get there!"

"Sure. . .," said Laura, looking off into the distance, then at the ground below here, finally at Vincent. ". . . .Sure. . . ."

* * *

AN3: THERE'S NO TIIIIME!

Everyone: Huh?

AN3: I NEED TO POST NOW!

Everyone: BUT-

AN3: Oh, I think my dad is going out. . . .No hurry then! ::happy smile:: Sorry it takes me forever to update now. And. . .NO, HE'S COMING!

Everyone: ::falls down::

AN3: OH WELL! I HAVE SOME NEW ART AND I'LL POST IT SOON! I NEED TO HURRY THE SERIES! NEXT TIME, WE'LL HAVE LAURA'S FINAL RETURN HOME! Hey, what's living in Guam like, anyway?

Laura: Hot weather, typhoons, you know. . .Stuff like that.

AN3: ::bows:: I know nothing made sense, but I should include an explanation next chapter. . .Any other qualms?

Everyone: . . .Not really.

AN3: Good. . . 'Cause it's almost my birthday! AND, AE HAS IT'S OFFICIAL BIRTHDAY TODAY! YES! SEPTEMBER 22!

Everyone: . . .Yay?

AN3: YES! YAY! I need to do an art on it. . .Maybe Kiro hopping out of the giant birthday cake and scaring the crap out of Rachel.

Kiro: Can I be a sex moogle?!

AN3: Sure, whatever. . .

Rachel: MEEP!

AN3: LIKE I SAID! I NEED TO RUSH! LATER!


	8. Thanksgiving Interlude on Set

Thanksgiving Interlude on Set

A/N: Forgive the half-assedness. I'm only writing it right now on Thanksgiving, so I don't have time for a story right now. . .It's quick. Squaresoft owns FF7 and LadyTifa26 owns Laura.

* * *

"OH CHRISTMAS TREE, OH CHRISTMAS TREE! BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, SOMETHING, BEAUUUUTY! Is that camera on?" Rachel walked over to the camera and adjusted the angle up to her eye. "I don't see a little red light!"

"That's because your face is too close" said Tifa, pulling her away from the camera by the scruff of her collar. "It's THANKSGIVING, not CHRISTMAS!"  
"Yeah, what did I say?" asked Rachel.

"Hopeless. . .," Tifa sighed. "Anyway, tilt that thing over to the table! Why are we even having Thanksgiving on the set, huh?"

"Because we needed to film an episode but there's not enough time?" Rachel guessed.

"Brilliant deduction," Tifa said flatly. "Is it angled?"

"Yes, my captain!" Rachel saluted.

"Greaaaaat. . .Let's get this thing over with. . .," said Tifa.

"Watch your prepositions! Don't end sentences with them!" Rachel cautioned.

"SHUT UP AND SIT DOWN!"

"Yes'm. . .," she whimpered.

"Okay. . .," said Tifa, looking into the camera. "We are here. . .with the entire set."

"I WANNA CUT THE TURKEY!" Cloud shouted, raising his sword.

"THE TURKEY IS MINE!" shouted Sephiroth, scrambling for it with his masamune.

"QUIT IT!" Tifa bellowed.

They both sat down, pouting.

Tifa coughed. "Ahem. . .now, to bless this damned thing and go home. Okay! We are here today to bless this food and-

"It sounds like someone is getting married. . .," Rachel whispered to Laura.

"We're marrying a turkey?" Laura whispered back.

"QUIET OVER THERE! I wanna get outta here. . .," Tifa grumbled. "We thank the reviewers for not killing us about not posting in an eternity, and we also want to thank the readers for not blitzing out with insanity because of our insane plot holes. Oh yeah, and thanks to Lucrecia for the lovely turkey."

"I enhanced it!" Lucrecia said happily, holding up a syringe, which squirted out a yellow liquid.

Everyone backed away. ". . ."

"I MEAN INJECTED IT WITH BUTTER FLAVORING!" Lucrecia said quickly.

Everyone scooted back. "Good!"

"OOH! OOH! I HAVE A STORY!" Rachel said.

"But," said Tifa, "I'm not done doing the blessi-

"OKAY! THE STORY OF THANKSGIVING!" Rachel said. "When AVALANCHE first set out for the Promised Land, they realized it would be a hard journey. At length, it took them over sixth months and great hardships, but they knew it would allow them much more freedom than under the tyranny of the Shinra."

"Ohhhh dear. . ." Tifa sighed, looking down at the table, massaging her temples.

"Freedom for religion and way of life was at stake. So when they finally landed, they rejoiced!" Rachel said. "But it was cold, up there in the north...Aeris had already died...and a great long winter was ahead...until, the natives of the Planet had arrived! The Ancients of the land had come to help AVALANCHE."

"WHY does everyone have to keep reminding me I DIED?" asked Aeris.

"AHHHH, ZOMBIE!" Sky screamed, pointing a shaking finger at Aeris.

Aeris sighed, and looked down like Tifa.

"After cultivating the land of the Knowlespole, as the place was called, the somehow found out how to survive with potions, tents, and yes, snowboarding. The first meal, however, was provided by Chubby Chocobo Catering! Yay, Chubby Chocobo!"

"Is this food drugged?" asked Wraithe.

"I don't think so. . .," said Dayna.

"FOOD!" shouted Konoshi, trying to stab the turkey.

"Unfortunately, Chubby Chocobo was the main dish! Oh dear!" said Rachel, now reading from a piece of paper while everyone eyed her incredulously. "But the world was saved, anyway! HOORAY! AND THAT IS HOW THANKSGIVING STARTED!"

". . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ." Everyone simply stared.

"WHAT?! WHAT?! I see none of you appreciate fine literature! HMPH!" Rachel stuck her nose up in the air.

". . .Rachel? Please stop talking," said Tifa, now that it was over. "Or better yet, drop dead."

"YES, BUT I'M JUST FREAKIN' PROOF THAT WON'T KEEP HER QUIET!" Aeris suddenly blurted. "I CAN SEE I AM NOT WANTED HERE!"

"YEAAAH!" Konoshi agreed.

"Fine with me," said Surka.

"AERIIIIIS!" Tifa said. "Please, it's FINE. . ."

"I'M GOING WITH MY PARENTS FOR THANKSGIVING!" she continued to rant. "NOBODY WANTS TO EAT WITH A DEAD GIRL! EVEN THOUGH I HAVE A PULSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Somebody say, 'parents'?" asked Gast, appearing out of nowhere with Ifalna and Zack.

"All right, another chance to win the girl. . .," said Zack. "COME ON, AERIS! TO TRUE LOVE!"

"Yes, over HERE. . . ," said Cloud, pulling her arm towards him.

"No, over HERE. . .," Zack said, pulling her towards his direction.

"HERE!"

"HERE!"

"HERE!"

"HERE!"

"HERE!"

"HERE!"

"H-

"HOLY HELL, JUST EAT THE DAMN TURKEY!" Cid yelled, kicking over a chair for Zack.

"WAAAAH!" Kiako cried.

"Forgive me," said Vincent. "Due to recent events. . .AND the decibel levels, I must depart. Happy Thanksgiving." He ascended into the shadows.

". . .That's just damn creepy," said Rachel. "Don't you agree, Tifa?"

"HERE!"

"HERE!"

"HERE!"

"#$!"

"WAAAAH!"

"DIE TURKEY!"

Tifa was sobbing over the disarray. "I hate Thanksgiving. . ."

"AMEN TO THAT!" Rachel said, concluding Tifa's blessing. "A MERRY THANKSGIVING TO ALL, AND ALL A GOODNIGHT!"

"TURN OFF THAT CAMERA!"


	9. Chapter 8: Last Stop

Chapter 8: Last Stop

A/N: Errrrrgh, I am angry because the file I had originally for this chapter got erased more than halfway through and I had to start from scratch. . .Oh well. Let's get on with this. Squaresoft owns FF7, LadyTifa26 owns Laura, and there are other miscellaneous reviewers who own other, miscellaneous characters. I think I should be reposting the new versions of the resumes, so if you want to be a character (although, I think I'm running out of room. . .fast. And I probably already have too many), send me one. I'll see what I can do. Oh, and I also of course don't own Fullmetal Panic!, Azumanga Daioh, Metal Gear Solid, Metal Gear Solid: Sons of Liberty, Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes, Metal Gear Solid: Snake Eater (Dear God, I smell merchandising all of a sudden), nor do I own Mobile Suit Gundam, Mobile Suit Gundam: The 08th MS Team, Mobile Suit Gundam: (Universal Century) 0080, Mobile Suit Gundam: Stardust Memory (Universal Century) 0083, Mobile Suit Gundam Seed, G Gundam, dear GOD do I not own SD Gundam (Thankyouthankyouthankyou), Mobile Suit Gundam: F19, Mobile Suit Gundam Wing, Mobile Suit Gundam Zeta, and I don't own the damn games, either. I've named all these series' so nobody sues me, JUST because I mention them in here. Oh, I don't own the games, either, of course, or should I name them aloud and say, I don't own Mobile Suit Gundam: Zeonic Front, Mobile Suit Gundam: Journey to Jaburo, Mobile Suit Gundam: Encounters in Space, Mobile Suit Gundam: Battle Assault, Mobile Suit Gundam: Battle Assault 2, or Mobile Suit Gundam: Battle Assault 3. You know, it's awfully hard thinking up all the Gundam series I know, considering I have a bad memory and all, so appreciate it, damn you! And besides. . .This isn't ALL the Gundam there is. So, let's say in general, that I am a poor sad person who does not own squat. The end.

* * *

"On top of spagheeetti. . ."

"Dun, dunnn. . ."

"All covered with cheeeese. . ."

"Dum, dummm, with cheese. . ."

"I lost my poor meeaatballl. . ."

"Poooor meatbaaalll. . ."

"When somebody sneeeezed. . ."

"Someboooooody sneeeeezed. . ."

"What's with the barber shop renditions?" asked Keily, curiously watching Rachel and Laura sing "On Top of Spaghetti".

"Yes," Vincent agreed, "especially with children's songs."

"DON'T YOU UNDERSTAAAAND?!" Rachel wailed. "THIS IS A SONG ABOUT THE LOSS OF A LOVED ONE!"

"It's about a loss of a meatball. . .," said Surka, a little weirded out.

"YES!" Rachel sobbed. "THE LOSS! I LOVE THIS MEATBALL!" Suddenly, she grabbed Laura in a death hug. "MEAAAAAAAATBAAAAAAALLLL!"

"AHHHHHH!" Laura shouted, flailing. "SINCE WHEN WAS I THE MEATBALL?!"

"IT'S NOT THE FACT THAT YOU'RE SMALL," Rachel sobbed, "OR THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE BIGGER BOOBS THAN ME!"

"Since when was THAT a factor?" asked Laura.

"IT'S THAT YOU'RE GOING AWAY! AWAY FROM ME! THE SPAGHETTI!" Rachel shouted, trying to clarify. "YOU ARE THE MEAT! AND I, THE PASTA! TIFA CAN BE THE SAUCE!"

"What?!" asked Tifa.

"AND AERIS! YOU'RE THE CHEESE!"  
"Eh?" asked Aeris.

"AND ALL OF YOU! I LOVE ALL OF YOU!" Rachel cried.

"Ewww. . .," they all said.

"BUT, WE ARE ALL INCOMPLETE WITHOUT. . .THE MEATBALL!"

"Rachel, I think you're taking Laura's departure too hard," said Tifa.

"NEVAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Rachel. . .," said Laura, "isn't that metaphor rather. . .vague?"

"Or psychopathic. . .," Christina mumbled.

"And what really holds spaghetti together?" asked Sky. "It all falls off your plate."

"I'm a dairy product?" asked Aeris, still on the "cheese" part.

"And I'VE got nicer meatballs. . .," muttered Reno.

"FIIIIINE. . .," Rachel sighed. "DON'T agree with my description. . ."

"Rachel? One final question," said Laura.

"Yes?" Rachel asked.

"Um. . .COULD YOU PLEASE LET ME GO?!" Laura was in a life-or-death choke hold.

Rachel blinked. "Oh. Okay!" she said, cheerfully.

Laura was half passed out on the dragon. ". . .Thank. . .you. . ."

"Tifaaaaa. . .," Chikara complained. "Are we there yeeeettt?"

"According to the maaaap. . .," she said, opening it slowing.

Everyone anticipated the answer.

". . .No."

"WHAT?!"  
"Yes! Yes! Of course! Jesus!" Tifa sighed. "We're here!"

The dragon swayed, starting to turn down to the island that sat in the water beneath, slowly going into a descent.

"We. . .we're. . .HERE?!" asked Rachel.

"Seems so. . .," Laura said, scratching her scalp.

" . . . .MEAAAAAAAATBAAAAAALLLLLLL!" Rachel sobbed, gripping Laura in the same, deadly fashion.

"AAAAAAAAAACK!"

"Yay. The one time we descend to the ground without our lives flashing before our eyes," said Cloud, hopping down off Bahamut.

"I kinda miss it. . .," said Sky.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because when my life did that, I always got action replays of that time I whacked Surka upside the head with a snowball."

"You're a very cruel person. . .," Surka grumbled.

"Okaaay. . .," said Tifa. "Laura, how far would your house be from here?" They were located on an empty road, quiet with little traffic at night.

"Ummmm. . .," Laura went, looking at the location. ". . .about ten miles."

"Okay, back on the dragon," said Cloud, trying to get back on, when suddenly Bahamut disappeared. "OW!" With the disappearance, it left him falling flat on his face. "M-my face. . .my beautiful visage. . ."

"Oh, how people change in two years. . .," Tifa said.

"YEAH! YOU USED TO BE NICE!" said Rachel. "AND AERIS! YOU USED TO BE DEAD!"

"Gee, thank you for reminding me?" asked Aeris.

"ANYWAY. . .," said Tifa, continuing. "I say, either we hoof it, or we hitch a ride. All in favor of being strong and walking, say 'yea'. All in favor of being a bunch of pantywaists, say 'nay'.

". . . .NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" they all shouted, after looking at each other.

"Sorry Tifa. . .," said Chikara. "I wear panties. . ."

"I do, too!" Mars sobbed.

Everyone stared at him.

"METAPHORICALLY!" he yelled. "I ASSURE YOU, I AM A MAN!"

Condrugon held up Mars' boxers, covered in little hearts and snickered, grinning wickedly. "Really?"

"Actually," Vincent coughed, "those are mine."

". . . .Oh." said Condrugon. "Then um. . .here." He tossed them to a blushing Vincent who hurriedly stuffed them away.

"Eeeeyyyyesss. . . ," said Tifa, through the awkward air, "BACK on topic. . .We need somebody to get us a ride."

"Well Tifa, you could certainly ride ME. . .," Reno said, giving her two-thumbs up.

"STAY DOWN, ROMEO. . .," said Andariel and Selena, pulling him back.

"Nooooo. . ."

"Oookaaay. . .Rachel, fetch us a ride," Tifa concluded.

"WHAT AM I?!" Rachel exclaimed. "YOUR HANDSERVANT! YOUR LITTLE MAID! YOUR-

Tifa clenched a fist.

"Yes ma'am," Rachel said, hopping to the task. She grabbed Cloud's hand, pulling him to the center of the road.

"H-heyyyy. . .Is this going to involve sexual misconduct?" he asked.

"Did somebody say, 'sexual misconduct'?!" asked Reno, perking up again.

"No, nobody said anything!" said Andariel. ". . .Unless I'm included in that sexual misconduct."

"I like sexual misconduct. . .," whimpered Mars.

"No, no sexual misconduct," Rachel replied. She heard a large groan of disappointment from the group somewhere.

"Phew. . .," Cloud sighed, his butt dragging listlessly over the pavement. "Soo. . .what am I doing?"

"I'm going to tie you up," said Rachel.

"I thought you said no sexual misconduct!" Cloud complained, while she bonded his hands together.

"Why isn't he fighting back?" Aeris whispered to Tifa.

"Because he's a moron," Tifa said flatly. ". . .And maybe he expects her to actually not have the nerve to do him. In front of all of us."

"Unless. . .you WANT to, Cloudy," she grinned, mischievously. "YES! YES! SEX FOR RACHEL!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Cloud sobbed uncontrollably.

"Uh, I was only kidding, Cloud," said Rachel, finishing up his feet.

"Yes, but," he sniffed, "it was a scary thought."

"Gee," she said, with her spirits dampened with the thought of dying a virgin. "I may get strange and overly emotional, but-

"You were singing. . .about a MEATBALL. . .and started SOBBING about it," said Cloud.

"I'M KIDDING! KIDDING! WHY IS EVERYTHING I DO TAKEN SERIOUSLY!"

"Because, most of the time you're being serious?" asked Tifa, sitting by the road. "It's sad, because that means you're seriously stupid."

Rachel sniffled, "You're all heartless. . ." Finally done, she grinned with satisfaction. "AHAHAHAHAAA! YES! IRRESISTABLE!"

"Yes, I know aren't I?" he replied. "Wait. . .what to you mean?"

Some car lights appeared in the distance.

"Bye-bye, Cloud!" said Rachel, walking off to the side of the road.

"WAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIT!" he sobbed. "I CAN'T DIE YET!"

"Are you so sure of that?" asked Tifa.

"YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE ON MY SIDE!"

The car lights went speeding around the corner.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" he shouted, almost ready to start crying like a schoolgirl.

"Oh, damn. . .," Tifa sighed, standing up.

"Tifa?" asked Aeris.

"What can I say? I'm a softie." She sprinted up to Cloud, starting to pull him away.

THUD!

"HOLY CRAP!" A short, blonde, college age girl came running out of what was speeding down the road, ironically, a Camry. "ARE YOU OKAY, SIR?!"

"Owww. . .," said Tifa, taking the brunt of the 65 mile per hour assault, slightly denting the car, making an impact on her side, Cloud hardly feeling anything.

"Ooh, shiny liiiiights. . .," he said, in a state of delirium.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" the girl exclaimed, picking up Cloud. "I KILLED HIM!"

"No. . .," said Tifa. "You can't kill a man with a skull that thick."

She completely ignored Tifa. "HOSPITAL! I NEED TO GET HIM TO A HOSPITAL!"

"Listen lady-

"QUIIIIICK!"

"Hey, lady-

She started putting Cloud into the passenger side.

"LADY, CALM DOWN!" shouted Tifa, slamming her palm next to the girl's head in anger, finally catching her attention, but leaving another dent in the car. "CAN YOU GIVE US A FREAKING RIDE?!"

"Y-yes?!" the girl shouted, thoroughly shocked.

"Thank you," Tifa said finally and triumphantly, motioning everyone to the car, while everyone approached hesitantly. "What? I say something wrong?"

"I think I almost wet myself," Reno whimpered.

"WHATEVER! GET IN!"

"Myou, myou. . .," said Rachel, cramped in the back. "Well, at least this should only take ten minutes to get to Laura's house.

"YOU POOR MAN!" the girl said, petting Cloud's head in her lap. "I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE THIS BETTER!"

"I-it's all right," Cloud sobbed. "I'm abused like this ALL the time. . ."

"Oh, you poor baby. . .," she cooed. "There, there just rest your head."

Cloud sniffed. "You're so nice, lady."

"Call me Lisa!" she said. "I don't know what horrible people would tie you up in the street to die!"

"I would," said Cleo.

"Cleo, that's because you're mean," said Hype.

"Hee, hee. . .Kitty," said Korus, eyeing Hype.

"Eheheheh. . .," laughed Mars, on the other side of them.

"I can't feel my arm," said Barret, squished in the back. ". . .Oh yeah, that's right. . ."

"Dear God. . .," Tifa sighed. "At least I'm happy I'm actually not being sexually assaulted, like the last time I was squished in the back with all of you."

"Yeah, but. . .," Aeris whispered. "What's up with the girl in the front?"

"I don't know. . .," replied Tifa. "But I know she's really. . .odd."

"And, and, and. . .," he whimpered. "SHE BROKE UP WITH ME!"

"THAT HEARTLESS SLUT!" Lisa exclaimed. "HOW COULD SHE TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU THAT WAY, THEN DUMP YOU?!"

Tifa's eyes narrowed in an unpleasant way, her nose beginning to flare.

"I don't know. . .," Cloud continued, "I only tried to be good for her. . ."

"I KNOW, I KNOW. . .," she agreed.

Tifa's mouth curled angrily, her fists tightening on the car seat.

"Uhhh. . .Tifa?" asked Aeris. "You okay?"

"And now, my current girlfriend. . .WON'T EVEN KISS ME!"

"Poor thing. . ."

Now, Aeris took on the same expression.

"Don't worry," said Lisa, "you just talk to me about it. . .By the way, I like your hair."

"Heheheh. . .," Cloud laughed. "You're a nice lady."

"Guys? Guuuuyyys?" Rachel waved a hand in front of both of them? "You guys okay?"

"MRAAAAAAAAAH!" Tifa lunged, trying to bite Rachel's arm.

"YEEEP!" she screamed, recoiling. "QUIET!" she said, laughing nervously. "QUIET IS GOOD! Eeeee. . ."

"There you go," said Lisa, helping Cloud out of the car. "This the house?"

"Laura?" asked Rachel, looking at her.

"Eeeeyup," said Laura, nervously. "That's mine." She stood on the yard, looking up at the house.

"So. . .will you be around?" asked Lisa to Cloud.

It seemed he was recuperating just fine, ironically. He was leaning on the car. "Well, for a little bit, I suppose. . ."

"Excuse me. . .," Tifa sighed, brushing past Rachel.

"Ohhh dear, clear the blast zone. . ." said Sky, running with the others.

"Hello, Lisa, isn't it?" asked Tifa.

"Oh, yes, hi," said Lisa, shaking Tifa's hand. "Are you the one taking care of this poor man?"

"Yes, yes I am," said Tifa, smiling warmly. "And I think I'll carry him inside. Thank you for your help."

"Oh, I'll help you, too!" she said, holding onto Cloud's legs, while Tifa had his torso.

Tifa paused, then smiled again. "Yes, yes, why thank you!" She started for the door, with Lisa following.

Everyone back away from their path.

"Ahh. . .," said Lisa, fumbling with him slightly. "So, who did this to him, huh? He says it's some bitch woman. . ."

"OW!" Cloud was dropped on his head. Blinking, he realized something, scrambled up, and ran, screaming bloody murder.

"Ooh, he got a second wind. . .," said Lisa, watching him run off. "Don't you think so? . . .Ma'am?"

Tifa had a very stiff and stiff smile, her cocked eyebrow twitching a little.

"I think she's going to have an aneurysm," said Rachel, watching.

"RACHEL!" Dayna hissed, motioning to the bushes. "COME ONNNN!"

"Okay. . .," Tifa sighed, walking back to the car, leaning on it, "I'm sorry. . ." she laughed slightly. "I'm really sorry. . ."

"Huh?" asked Lisa, confused. "What? You haven't gone anything wrong."

Tifa laughed slightly again. "Yeah. . .but. . ." Tifa picked Lisa up, and started for her car.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! HELLLLLLLLLP!" She pulled out her cell phone, and started dialing.

"Yoink," said Tifa, taking her cell phone and crushing it in her fist. "Lesson time." She sat Lisa down firmly in her seat. "First, sit in car." Then, Tifa reached over and buckled Lisa in. "Then, safety first!" Tifa shut the door, and went to the back of the car, and fixed her palms firmly on the trunk. "Then. . .VROOM VROOM!" Tifa started forward, inching the car forward.

"She isn't. . .is she?" asked Rachel.

A vein began to rear itself over Tifa's temple. The car began to gain momentum.

"Dear God. . .," Rachel muttered.

"DAMMIT!" Tifa kicked her heel into the car, denting the bumper, but sending it cruising at least 40-mph. down the road, then finally launching itself at 70, after Lisa finally inserted the keys, pushed the pedal down, and got the hell out. "Ah. . .," she sighed, brushing herself off. "Let's see Laura's parents, shall we?" She began marching up to the door. "Coming?"

Everyone started coming out of the bushes. "Uhhh. . .sure?"

"Ah, I see," said Laura's mother, sitting down to a cup of tea. "You're all my daughter's friends."

Rachel stared into hers. "Uh . . .Could I just have some coffee?"

"Heathen," said Andariel, taking Rachel's. "It's lovely tea."

"Yes, we're all Laura's. . .friends," said Tifa, agreeing with her as much as possible. "Anyway-

"So Laura, how didja rack up all these friends to come with you back here?" said her mother, spacily cutting Tifa off. "And most of them are girls. . .Laura, do you have something to tell me?"

"No mom, I'm not a les-

"ANYWAY, DEAR. . .," said her mother, "Good thing you're back! And, and. . .is your friend putting whiskey into his tea?"

Reno was contentedly adding the spirit to his drink. "La, la, laaaaa. . .The faster I get drunk, the faster I'm not responsible for my aaaactionnnnns. . .," he said in a singsong manner.

"Uhhh. . .no?" said Laura. She elbowed him in the stomach.

"OW! Fine, you could've just ASKED for some. . .," he replied, rubbing his side.

"That's not the poooooiiiiiiiiiiint. . .," Selena hissed in his ear. "Put it awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. . ."

"Killjoys. . ."

"Okaaay. . ., said Rachel, cutting the awkwardness. "So, how 'bout that Guam weather?"

"We've had several monsoons, and three power outages," said Laura's mom.

". . .Oh," said Rachel. "Um. . .How 'bout that creepy guy at the fridge? The one without a shirt. . ."

"Hmm, phmm, phmm, phyou?" said the college-age man, chugging milk. "Phyum phyou?"

"I think he's saying, 'Hey, who are you? What's up?'," said Laura. "That's my older brother."

"And this boy. . .," said Vincent. He lifted up a teenage one with is metal claw. "Is he your younger? And why does he keep tugging my hair, and calling me 'gay'?"

"Yes, he's my younger brother. . .," she sighed. "And don't worry, he calls everything gay."

"That's so gay!" he spouted, talking about her last statement.

"Oh," said Vincent. "I see. . ."

"So mom. . .," said Laura, "uh-

"I know what you're thinking. . .," said her mom. "But I don't see how we can house THIS many people. They need another place to spend the night." She looked at all the people who were crowded into the kitchen, and partially even spilling out into other rooms, sitting down with some tea.

"It's all right," said Tifa. "There's a solution to all of this."

"What? You're going to be a part-time stripper and get us money for a hotel?" asked Rachel.

"No, nitwit. . .," said Tifa, smacking the back of Rachel's head. "We have TENTS, remember?"

"Oh, oh yeaaah. . .hp/mp restored, baby!" said Rachel.

Laura's mom was grasping none of this.

"Yeah, whatever you said. . .," said Tifa.

"Of couuuurse. . .," said Rachel, "I haven't been able to think about 'tents' the same way since Steve. But, I think thinking about 'tents' in that context is cuter. Or maybe I'm just a pervert that way. What do you think?"

This time, nobody grasped Rachel's concept.

Except for Steve, who blushed and turned around. "Ahem. . .Nothing."

"OKAAAY. . .," said Tifa, ending that moment, "Righty! We have some tents with us, actually, so uh. . .would you mind up camping outside?"

"No, it's not problem," said her mother. "How soon will you be staying?"

"I expect we'll leave sometime tomorrow, or the next day," Tifa said. "Just making sure everything is okay with Laura."

"Oh, I can see you must have been Laura's guardian while she was away," said Laura's mom. "I can't thank you enough."

"Actually, I was," said Cloud, raising his hand. "Thank you, thank you. . .," he said, bowing his head like he expected applause.

Instead, Laura's mother was quiet. ". . . .Laura, you stayed alone, with a MAN?!"

Laura's eyes widened. "AHHH! NO, I DIDN-

"I KNEW YOU HAD SOME STRANGE VIXEN STREAK IN YOU!" said her mom, slapping her daughter's back, somewhat encouragingly. "Well, never do it again dear, but at least I can look forward to grandchildren in a few years."

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!" Laura sobbed, "I'M EIGHTEEEEEEEEN! NOT NOWWWWWWW!"

"I SAID A FEW YEARS!"

"Grandchildren," said Laura's younger brother. "That's gonna be gay."

Laura's older brother was already gone, but left an empty milk carton on the counter.

"Mom. . .," said Christina, sitting next to Lucrecia, "at least I know you're not as out-of-the ordinary from most mothers."

"Thank you! . . .I think," said Lucrecia. "Want some salt in your tea, dear?" she asked sweetly to her daughter.

"Uhhh. . . .I'm okay, mom," said Christina.

"Sooo. . .," said Laura's mom, now trying to engage in conversation with Cloud, which could not in any universe be a good idea, or at least intelligent, "have you been taking care of my daughter?"

"Wow, that's a loaded question. . .," Cloud responded, wondering whether Laura's mom put quotes over "taking care". "Yeah, I housed her for a bit, next door to Tifa and Aeris who were taking care of Rachel."

Tifa, Aeris, and Rachel raised their hands to identify themselves.

"Yeah. . .I'm Tifa, and the one in pink is Aeris," said Tifa.

"Hello," said Aeris, friendly as ever. "Thank you for the tea," she said, smilingly.

"Heyhi, Madam Captain!" Rachel saluted.

Tifa smacked Rachel over the head again, "How many times have I told you NOT to greet people like that?!"

"I think you should count the bruises. . .," Rachel whimpered.

Laura's mom suddenly was thankful Tifa wasn't the one taking care of Laura instead. "Well, uh. . .that's nice. . ." But, she was still skeptical over Cloud. "Well then Cloud, ever been married?"

Cloud suddenly began to sweat nervously, noticing how there wasn't a father in this household. "Uhhh. . .YES, I AM HAPPILY MARRIED!" He pulled over Holly. "AND THIS IS MY BRIDE!"

"Swimming. . .," muttered Holly in a dream world. "Swimming in ecstasy. . ."

"CLOUUUUUUUUUUUUUD. . .," Tifa grumbled, giving him her special, death-like gaze.

"Okay, fine. . .," Cloud whimpered. "JESSIE IS!" Now, he pulled her over.

"I think I'm about to wet my trousers. . .," she said, having the same look Holly did.

"CLOUD!" Tifa barked.

"Okay, okay. . .," he sighed. "No, I'm not married. . ."

"Do you have. . .children, then?" Laura's mother asked, her eyes narrowing.

"Um. . .," he stuttered.

Everyone pointed in the direction of Christina.

"Hi, everybody?" she said, shyly waving. "That's mom. . ." Now, she pointed to Lucrecia, whom was scarcely paying any attention whatsoever.

"Hm?" asked Lucrecia. "Pass the salt?"

"Laura. . .," said her mother. "Did you know about this? About this woman and this girl you were staying with. . .?"

"Yep," said Laura, calmly drinking the last of her tea. "Been there since the beginning."

Her mother blinked. "The. . .beginning?"

"Yep," Laura repeated.

"I'm only about four months old-!" Christina's mouth was clasped over by Tifa, probably the only one who had sense in the bunch.

"She doesn't know about THE SECRET. . .," Tifa hissed.

Christina nodded and apologized. "Sorry. . ."

"Yup!" said Cloud, grinning all of a sudden. "But, it's not like I did anything with Lucrecia over there."

"Huh?" Laura's mom was suddenly confused. "Is she biological?"

"Yeah," said Cloud, Christina, and Lucrecia in unison.

". . . Eh?" Laura's mom was suddenly lost.

"Don't worry about it, mom," said the younger brother. "He looks gay."

"Am I free to plaster him on a shiska-bob?" asked Cloud, irritated.

"Go to bed, Jesus child! It's late!" said his mom.

"That's so gay. . .," he grumbled, trudging up the stairs.

"So, let me get this straight. . .," said Laura's mom. "She's your daughter, and even though she's biological, there are NO sexual relations between either of you?"

Cloud and Lucrecia both nodded.

"I'm a GENIUS!" said Lucrecia. "All I did was take-

"Not the sex talk. . .," said Sky, poking Lucrecia on the shoulder. "That last one where you explained orgasms and the first time a girl ever does it has now scared me into everlasting virginity."

"Said the hooker. . .," Surka mumbled.

"HEY!"

"It's getting late. . .Shall we go?" Tifa stood up, and naturally, people began to get up as well. "Thank you, for letting us use parts of your residence." She bowed thankfully, and stuck out her hand, shaking the hand of Laura's mother. "Good night."

Laura's mom blinked again, while everyone crowded out. ". . .Biological without. . .Huh?"

"Lu, I think you have to stop talking sometimes," Tifa sighed, tossing out the equipment. "It confuses and scares people."

"Anyone ever wonder how you can carry hundreds of items in their pockets?" asked Rachel. "I don't get that kind of capacity."

"You're telling me. . .," Tifa grumbled. "Don't ask me, though. For some reason, we've always been able to carry all our stuff with us and be able to use it all."

"The mysteries of Final Fantasy. . .," said Rachel, starting to put hers up.

The tents were camped out at odd angles, with no particular set space between them. All were a medium size, good enough to fit three people (obviously, because of the normal party size you could have with you), and were of a blue and gray color. Some chose to situate themselves close to the house (indoor plumbing, don'tcha know?); others chose to afford themselves more of an outdoorsy feel, by admitting themselves further away.

"I don't know about you ladies, but. . .," said Reno, "the night's still young, and I'm blowing this party. Come on Rufus, I'll treat you to a strip club."

"How many pornographic images do you capture in that mind of yours. . .," Rufus sighed.

"What?" asked Reno. "Sorry, I thinking about boobs. Let's go!" He encouragingly slapped Rufus' back and led him off in any which way his trained nose could sniff the slightest whiff of alcohol.

"Well, that leaves me bored," said Rachel. "I wanna go somewhere, tooooooo!"

"Rachel, we're not ready to release you back into the wild while you're still rabid," said Tifa. "Get some sleep."

"You awful, mean people. . .," Rachel mumbled. "Can I please go for a walk, then? I've never been on a tropical island before. Well, one that wasn't infested with Amazons and rapists."

"Rapists?" asked Kiro, sticking her head out of her tent. "What rapists?"

"Never mind, Kiro. . .," everyone grumbled.

"Come!" shouted Rachel, grabbing Laura's arm. "We shall depart from port, Madam Captain!"

"Rachel. . .," said Laura, "I don't have a problem with going on a walk, but why persist in calling all of us weird names?"

"I watch too much anime. I picked it up from Azumanga Daioh. That, and I hear them use 'madam captain' in Fullmetal Panic. Can you blame the media?"

"Well-

"Yes, yes you can! It's a free country!" Rachel declared, marching off away from the house.

"Rachel, you DO realize that Guam is only a U.S. TERRITORY, right?"

"Yeah, of course," said Rachel. "But the only difference is certain voting rights and such, soooo. . .Hey Laura, is it always muggy?" Rachel waved her hand in the middle of the air. "Kinda humid. My hair'll be all frizzy."

Laura sighed and smirked. "Oh ye of simple mind." She stuffed her hands in her pockets and resumed walking, staring at her feet. "Yeah, it's kinda humid here, but it's not really that bad, I guess."

Rachel had her simplistic smile, while her feet hit the cement sidewalk, suddenly hopping ahead. "Doo, doo do doooo. . .So Laura, you're goin' to be in college, eh? Parties, exams, parties, work, parties, essays, parties. . .and beer! Eh, wish I could come, but I'm not legal."

"Neither am I, I'm not 21. . .," said Laura. ". . .Wait, you mean- Ewwww! Come now, woman! I'm not going to make nightly 'visits' to dormitories!"

"I'm sure they wouldn't mind. . .," said Rachel, with a very demure look. "Laura, guys LIKE your ass!"

Laura scowled. "Thank you for the update on my ass. Anything else you'd like to comment on?"

"Yeah," said Rachel. "Have you heard from Angelo?"

Laura thought and kept walking. ". . .Welllll. . .considering I've spent the last six or so months in a place that technically shouldn't exist, no," said Laura. "And, considering the time lapse is minimal from both places, there shouldn't be much reason to contact me if I was coming home so soon."

"Is that a noooooooooo?" asked Rachel slowly, picking on Laura.

"Yes, that's a no," said Laura.

"Yes? No? Maybe?" asked Rachel.

Laura had a very Tifa-esque look of irritation.

Rachel blinked with a very blank look. "Wow Laura, you could scare small children like that." Suddenly, she took on a very tight smile. "TINY!" She poked Laura in between her eyes. "Heheheh. . .When did you stop growing?"

"I HATE YOU. . .," Laura growled, flailing her arms, cross-eyed. "MYAHA!" She grabbed the sides of Rachel's stomach.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Rachel grabbed her sides, painfully laughing. "I. . .I hate you, too. . .I'm cursed with being tickling nearly everywhere. Especially in the back of my thighs. . ."

Laura coughed and blinked. "Thank you, my nightmares are complete." She sighed and stuck her hands behind her head. "Okay Rachel. . .What would you do if-

"I had a muffin?! I'm starving, so I'd eat it instead of leave it for later. Take no prisoners!" Rachel shouted, jumping up on the sidewalk. They were some distance away from the house, following a linear path of pavement.

"Uh, no," said Laura. "Tell me, if you had to pick two guys and they were really great but could only have ONE, and even though one is cute but unrealistic, and the other is more realistic but probably more of an ego job. . .who would you pick?"

Rachel sighed. "Well. . .First of all, to clear this up I'm dying a lonely, lonely virgin because nobody loves me. NEXT OF ALL. . .," she continued, "I certainly wouldn't ask that question to a boyfriend-less girl. But since it's MY opinion-

"Involving no allusion or comparison with MUFFINS. . .," said Laura.

"You suck. Okay, well, I'd say you should pick whoever makes you happier. Simple, no?" asked Rachel.

"No," Laura concluded. "That's the thing. It's generally the same amount."

"Okay then, we'll settle this the Yuffie way," said Rachel. "Who's RICHER?!"

"That's a very BAD way. . .," said Laura. "Any other way?"

"The Aeris way. Who's sweeter? Or, who has spikier hair. . .Cloud or Zack. . .Meh."

"That latter one is also a bad way. . .But their both very sweet, too," said Laura. "Go on."

"The Reno way. Who has bigger boobs?"

". . . ."

"AHAHAHA! I'm kidding, Laura. They both have FINE boobs," said Rachel, slapping Laura's back. "Ahahahaha. . ."

"If either had any, I'd shoot myself," said Laura. "Okay, next. This BETTER BE GOOD. . ."

"Right. Then we'll have the TIFA way. . ."

"Who can take the most sadism?" asked Laura curiously.

"No," said Rachel. "Who's the one who's more passionate about what they do and who they are?"

". . .That's certainly different," said Laura, blinkingly. "I thought you would've asked who can take a kick in the pants and not cry. Interesting, that you told me something serious when it come to Tifa. . .I KNOW, YOU'RE THE BEST OF FRIENDS! HAH! I KNEW IT!"

Rachel gave Laura a very serious look. "Hey, do you WANT to see my scars?!" She started lifting her shirt. "BECAUSE-

"AHHHHH!" Laura screamed. "DOWN! DOWN! SHIRT, DOWN! OKAY, I GET IT! YOU'RE BITTER ENEMIES!"

"Thank you. . .," Rachel sighed, turning around for the house again. "I think that's about half a mile."

It was dark, save for the streetlights, the lights of cars passing, and a few glimmering stars that were barely noticeable from the populated area, and some light from the moon. It seemed half the world was asleep (which is true, considering one half of the world is dark and the other is. . .uh, you get the point), due to the lonely clunking of their sneakers on the sidewalk.

"Hm. . .To answer that method. . .," said Laura, "They're both very much, well. . .Of course they're very different, but the way their passionate is very different, too."

"Like how?"

"One is a depressed vampire who likes guns, and the other loves Halo with a bloodlust," Laura sighed.

"He's a GUY. . .," said Rachel. "And we like Halo, too!"

"That's true. . .and both have guns in their description. . .Guys like explosions, don't they?"

Rachel was fiddling with her Fire materia. "Heheheh, this newly mastered materia will surely destroy my enemies. . .as well as a few buildings. Huh? What was your question, Laura?"

She nearly fell over. "Nothing, Rachel. . .Nothing."

Tifa sat under a tree, arms folded, solemn, drinking a hi-potion she scrounged somewhere. "I don't get paid to babysit. . .," she muttered, then sighed. "But it's soon over from here. . ."

"Not quite."

"WHYYYY?!" she shouted. "Cloud, stop doing that. I saw your hair from a mile away."

"Dammit," said Cloud, standing and leaning on the tree. ". . .Isn't that my-

"Not anymore. . .," said Tifa with satisfaction, drinking the last of the hi-potion. "Haha, snooze ya' lose, sucker."

He sniffled. "And you used to be NICE. . ."

"I also used to be your girlfriend, but I'm not in a destructive cycle here, now am I?" she asked. "You have something to ask me?"

"How very businesslike of you. . .," he said. "Can't we just talk, like we're FRIENDS? We are still friends, aren't we?"

Tifa closed her eyes halfway and smiled an exceptionally sly smile. "Yeah, I guess we are, Cloud Strife. Now, do you have something to ask me?"

"Yes, yes I do," said Cloud, planting a hand down to the ground, and situating himself there. "Are we staying here," he said, folding his feet. "Or, are we going to leave?"

"Hm. Well, seeing as we have to put people back in their rightful place-

"You mean, Rachel?" he asked.

". . .Yeah, I guess she qualifies for that. . .," Tifa agreed. "So yeah, as well as every other person who needs to go back to their home from this world. That all?"

"I have more questions. . .," said Cloud. "Okay, then where are all the ones of us not from this world, or were too young to remember where they're from here, going to go?"

"Where we wish. Sounds fun, right?" asked Tifa. "Like a new adventure." Her lips curled up at the edges. "I wonder about the next time I'll ever get to take a rest again."

"No problem!" said Cloud, comfortably lifting up his hands to cushion his head against the trunk of the tree. "Take a rest now. Nobody's going to criticize you if you're not working hard like you always do."

She folded her arms tighter and the smile transformed to a frown. "Yeah, is that so? It seems like I'm the only one here who gets work done, because you're all too busy doing whatever you want."

"Too busy having FUN," he corrected. "Do you remember FUN? Or are you too busy counting the wrinkles that are going to form on your face after being such a tightwad?"

"Heheheh. . .," she laughed. "Okay, Cloud, you made me laugh. Is that what you wanted?"

"It's nice," he said, "after hearing only your yelling. Mission accomplished, save one thing."

"What is it? That long lost nap you speak of sounds lovely," she sighed, sitting up again, and hunching over on her arms, angling her face slightly to allow her eyes on Cloud. "Speak! Speak, your soul!"

He grinned with childishness. "Ya' miss me, sweetcheeks?"

Tifa had this indescribably sour scowl. "Cloud, I SWEAR if you call me that again, I'll-

"You'll what?" He pulled down his lower eyelid, and stuck out his tongue. "BLEHBLEHBLEHBLEH!"

"Eh?" she asked confused. "What are you-

"Come on, sweetcheeks! You want the answer?!" he asked. He hopped up, turned around, and slapped his own butt in front of her (by the way, cue the odd chocobo music from FFV. I'm not listening to it right now, but there's also a very apt one from it, too. Listen to it, it's lovely). "HAHAHA! WANT A PIECE OF THIS?!"

"CLOOUUUUUUUD!" she roared, jumping up, nearly catching him until he started running, and she chased after. "YOU'RE SO DEAAAAAAD!"

"AAAAAHAHAHAAHAHAAA!" he laughed, running in-between the tents to avoid her, in zigzags and circles. "SLOWIN' DOWN, OLD LADY?!"

"I HAAAAAATE YOUUUUUUUUU!" she screamed after him, running after in a dash beneath the moon.

"My feet hurt," said Rachel, finally arriving back at the house, fifteen minutes after the chase ensued. "What about you, Laura? Laura?"

Laura stared at Cloud's knocked-out corpse on the ground. "I think he did something to get Tifa angry.

"Myehhh, I'll 'sweetcheeks' you. . .," she snarled, rubbing off her hands triumphantly above Cloud.

Rachel and Laura stared.

"Huh? OHHHHH!" said Tifa, blushing. "Eheheheh! Uh-m, you saw nothing, you heard nothing. Got it?"

"What happened to Cloud. . .?" asked Aeris, miraculously appearing behind them, yawing, obviously groggy. "I was sleeping in the tent when I heard a high-pitched scream. . .But I knew it wasn't Tifa because she could scare away a bear just by looking it in the eye."

"Thanks for the vote of femininity, Aeris," Tifa sighed. "It was nothing. And Cloud? Decided to take a nap outside."

"Oh, okay. . .," Aeris spacily yawned. "Good night. . .," she said, stumbling back off to her tent.

Tifa looked back at the other two. "Yes, good night, indeed. Rachel, I would suggest the same thing."

"Madam meanie skirt. . .," Rachel sighed. "Well, good night, Laura." Rachel waved and walked off to her tent.

Laura was about to walk away when Tifa spoke. "If you have a problem choosing, consider what you really want, and it'll become clear. See you in the morning." She picked up her heavy, steel-toed boots and marched off back to her tent.

". . ." Laura blinked. ". . .Damn, I didn't have to go for that walk, after all. Oh well."

The morning was sunny, and the humidity had cleared from the air. Warm and bright, Rachel stepped out of her tent.

"Mommy, I want pancakes. . .," she said, rubbing her eyes, hugging Mr. Warkster.

"Rachel!" It was Tifa's voice.

"AHHHH, MOMMY SOUNDS SCARY!" Rachel yelped, hopping back into her tent. "Hp/mp restored, nothin'! I need a battalion of tanks to even start to scare her away!"

"Rachel. . ." It was indeed Tifa, but she wasn't as angry as she normally seemed. "I'm just here to say that Laura wants to see you."

". . .Oh. No pancakes, then?" asked Rachel.

Tifa had no idea what she was talking about. "Uh, not unless you're making them yourself. . .Anyway, meet her over at the park."

". . .Park?" asked Rachel. "Laura knows I'm terrible with directions, and how am I supposed to get there in a place I've only seen at 500 feet above the ground?"

"MAP," said Tifa, shoving it in Rachel's face. "Breakfast however, you'll be on your own. I'm taking a rest while I'm here. We're going to leave tonight, okay?"

"Uh. . .sure," said Rachel.

Sky and Keily were watching Rachel leave, while Rachel was intently staring at the map, but really paying little or no attention to where she was actually heading, turning and walking in small circles.

"Think she'll be all right?" asked Sky.

"No," said Keily. "But if she gets hit by a car, maybe they'll let her off at the park."

"Take a right. . .or is that a left?" asked Rachel. "Hmm, three lefts make a right, so to be safe. . ." She turned three lefts and went right. Obviously, this will take a while.

"Eeyup. Uh-huh. Yeah, that's right, Angelo. Yeah. See ya'." Laura promptly closed her cellphone and plopped down on a park bench, and sighed. Curiously, she looked at her watch. "Rachel's supposed to be here by now. The park's not too far away."

"HEY, YOU! YEAH, YOU BUDDY!" shouted Rachel, flipping off the guy in the truck, standing at a crosswalk. "PEDESTRIANS HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY! . . .Although, maybe not in the middle of traffic."

Vincent, as vertically loving as he is, was sitting up a tree, drinking another cup of tea. Silent as usual, he quietly sat on top of the soles of his feet, perfectly balanced, leaning against the mossy trunk, shaded by a few overhanging branches.

"Hello, Vincent," said Christina, popping up from overhead, upside-down, hanging from a branch. "What brings you to this tree?"

"Tea," he said flatly, lifting up his cup. "And you?"

A dozen raccoons suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

"Oh," he said, a feeling a little dumb. "I guess it's nice to know somebody else likes being in high places."

"Oh sure," said Christina with a smile, "trees are great. They provide oxygen, miscellaneous wood and paper goods, maple trees are used for their sap, and. . .Oh, I'm guessing you wouldn't like to know the statistics of how many species of animals, birds, and insects live in the rainforest."

He blinked. "But. . .you're not from here, so why would you know the statistics for their-

"Bewildering, isn't it?" she asked. "I'm a brainchild, so sue me. You sure look like a sad-sack up here."

"This is how I always am," he replied.

"No, not lately. . .," she said. "Right now, you just look like a creepy stalker man in a vampire suit, drinking tea like a weirdo."

Suitably, he grumbled.

She laughed, and flipped herself over neatly onto his branch and sat in front of him. "Okay, Vincent, tell me what's wrong. I haven't been too far learned in the field of psychology. . .," she said, "but I think that's because mom lost the textbook I needed for it."

"Are you really comfortable calling her, 'mom'?" he asked, shifting his weight on his feet, slightly.

"Yeah, she always told me to call her mom, so it's pretty natural, now," she said. "Although, I must admit that from what I normally see from normal parental examples, she's not all that typical."

"Agreed," he said, "most mothers don't carry a blowtorch with them, and if they did, they'd probably try to make dinner with them."

"Or, try and make crème brulée," she considered. "Not make scale models of Metal Gears and Zakus from scrap metal to try and conquer the west coast."

He was confused by the Metal Gear and Zaku part. "Um-

"Pop culture from Japan," said Christina.

"And you know this by-

"Compiling many magazines and periodicals," she said, pulling out a magazine, entirely in Japanese. "Japan is like Wutai, and since mom taught me Wutaian, I can read it. Look at this, though." She tossed him one, and his eyes lit up with surprise.

"Isn't this-

"Yes, it's you," she said. "Apparently, we are pop culture icons in Japan. It says we come out in a movie called 'Advent Children', as well as appear in other games. According to that, you have one of your own."

He blinked in confusion. "This is one strange world we live in. . .The people are dressed obscurely, there are no monsters, or potion shops to be found. . ."

"Yes, I know," she sighed. "But, you have to imagine the surprise and bewilderment of everyone else, don't you think?"

"I think they seemed more HAPPY than SURPRISED. . .," Vincent muttered, thinking back on it, then settling his face back into solemnity. "Whatever," he sighed. "These worlds are practically in whole different from each other. They don't even share the same dimensions, according to Lucrecia. . ."

"No, probably not," said Christina, shrugging.

"Anyway. . .," he sighed. "It's the least of our problems. We should focus more on going home." Again, he shifted and looked away.

Christina looked sad for him a moment, until a small flicker of strength returned. "Vincent, why don't you do anything?!" she asked urgently.

He grumbled, and tilted his head down.

"Vincennnnnt!" she nagged. "Haven't you ever felt sad for losing Lucrecia?!"

His face darkened and almost looked as demonic as the rest of his forms. "Ugh. . .For years! Shut up!" he growled.

But, she was ever persistent. "Vincent, you have a chance to change that!"

"Shut up!"

"I've only known you for months. . .," she said, "But you still look like you have sadness in your eyes, increasing every day. If you have any remorse for the past-

"I've heard enough!"

"-then try to create a better ending!"

". . ." He remained silent, his head buried in the shade and shadow.

Again, she looked sad and almost empathetic, until she briskly climbed back into the branches of the trees.

"I. . .I. . .here. . .LAURA!" panted Rachel, stumbling up to Laura, holding the map.

Laura blinked. "What have YOU been doing? It was only a mile and a half, and it took you an HOUR and a half."

"Dodging. . .TRAFFIC. . .," she panted. "People here in Guam are CRAZY. . ."

"Suuuuurrre, they are. . .," she said, blinking again. "Anyway, it took you so long, I thought after standing here all this while, the pigeons would start using me as a bombing target. I didn't think your navigation sucked that much."

Rachel grumbled. "Laura, you know I couldn't get out of a closet with a map."

"Rachel. . .," said Laura, smiling happily, "that because if you're in a closet, you'd need a FLASHLIGHT to read the map!"

Rachel fell over. "Impressive, Laura. You've made even ME fall down."

"I'm special," she shrugged.

"YES, INDEEDY!" said a guy from behind, grabbing Laura in a massive hug. "So, how was it in the states?"

Laura stiffened up by surprise, and then loosened after realization. "Oh. Hi, Angelo."

He was tall, had a bit of a jaunty, reassuring smile, with short, dark-hair. "Hey there. You must be Rachel?" he asked. "Yeah, you look about as smart as Laura described."

"I sure hope that's a COMPLIMENT. . .," muttered Rachel, leering over at Laura who was smiling, sweating bullets.

"Um, yeah, it. . .was?" said Angelo, scratching his head, nervous much like Laura about that last comment. "Anyway. . .HIYAAAAA!" He lifted Laura up in a bear hug. "Haha, you're so short."

"HEEEEYYYYYY!" she shouted, squirming. "THAT'S NOT A NICE THING TO DO!"

Rachel had a sweatmark. "Uh. . .I can see this is a rather dysfunctional relationship."

"Oh, it's fine. You wouldn't know it, but this guy has a one of those BIG MANLY EGOS. . .," she said, in a very deep, burly voice, mocking him, and hunching around like a monkey.

"Makes me wonder about you. . .," he sighed. "Anyway, so you're that friend she talks about sometimes, eh? I'm guessing you were the one who destroyed her Marine Biology class project?"

"I SWEAR, I DIDN'T KNOW!" Rachel said, throwing up her arm. "I DIDN'T KNOW IT WOULD CATCH ON FIRE UNDER THE RADIATOR!"

"Suuuurrrre. . .," said Laura. "That's what you ALWAYS say. . .Anyhoo, I wanted to spend today with my two favorite people!"  
Rachel blinked. ". . .YAY! I'M A FAVORITE PERSON!"

"And I guess that's no surprise to me. . .," said Angelo. "Yep, yep, I'm LOOOVED."

Rachel whispered to Laura. "He kinda reminds me of Zack."

"Don't be surprised about that. . .," she muttered back to Rachel.

"What are you two muttering about?" he asked, curious.

"Nooothing!" said Laura, walking ahead. "Come on! We have an entire day ahead!"

". . .Of walking?" he asked.

"YES!" she said. "I don't have to work at that blasted hotel pool for another week! (that's Laura's job, by the way) And college can obviously just hold on!"

"I like that philosophy," said Rachel, watching. ". . .Are we going to follow her?"

"We have no other choice," he said with a nervous smile. "Let's goooo. . ."

A short moment of peace. . .

"Ahhhh. . .," said Tifa, relaxing on a beach chair in Laura's back yard, sun bathing in a bathing suit. "It's quiet. . .There's nobody about. . .And there's great weather. . .," she sighed. ". . .Sure wish I knew where the beach was, considering it's a TROPICAL ISLAND. . ."

"Yes yes, TROPICAL ISLAND. . .," said Mars, through binoculars on top of the house, spying on Tifa. "You think we should tell her where it is so we can watch her there? That's where the others are. . ."

"Maaaybe. . .," said Condrugon, scratching his chin. "And as expected, she DOES look remarkable in a bathing suit. . ."

"Heheheh. . .," laughed Mars like a pure pervert. "We shall tell, indeed."

"Mars, put away the binoculars!" Tifa yelled from the ground.

"Huh?" he asked. "She knew I was here? Why isn't she doing anyth-OW!" He was hit in the head by a medium-size rock. "Yes, tell now, tell now. . .Why weren't YOU hit by a rock?"

"Because she realizes how sexy and irresistible my hardcore, tough-guy masculinity is," said Condrugon. "Come, to the beach!"

"Dude, as your DATE?! I'm sorry, but-

"Don't make ME hit you with that rock! Let's go!"

"So, here we are on this happy tropical island. . .and I haven't gone to the beach yet," said Rachel, traipsing after Laura and Angelo. "Why can't we go there?"

"Rachel," said Laura, "I thought you weren't that fond of the beach."

"The beach?" asked Rachel. "Oh, the beach is fine. It's just something terrible always happens in the water. Except for that time I found a dollar floating in front of me."

"Uh. . .you sure you want to go to the beach, then?" Laura asked.

"Yeah, then I get to see you in a bikini," said Angelo, grinning mischievously.

"Getaroom!" Rachel coughed, almost unable to be translated.

"Right, right, I get it. . .," said Laura. "Okay, to the beach it is!"

"Won't be as nice as Costa del Sol, though. . .," said Rachel.

Laura gave her a foreboding look. "EX-NAY ON THE OSTA-CAY EL-DAY OL-SAY!"

"Costa del Sol?" asked Angelo. "Definitely won't be as nice."

Rachel blinked. "Eh?"

"Costa del Sol? In the south of Spain? Huge tourist attraction, white beaches, clear water. . .That place, right?"

"EHEHEHEHEHEH! YEAH!" said Laura, anxiously laughing. "Yeaaaaah. . ."

"RUFFY!" Keily went running over to him, across the beach, wearing her own bikini. "Havin' fun, Ruffy?"

"This is NOT my idea of FUN. . .," he grumbled, buried to his head in the sand. ". . .But. . .it's warm and. . .almost pleasant."

"YAY!" she shouted. "Just make sure nobody steps on you. And if they do. . .I'll whack 'em for you!"

"That's why I have the Turks, though. . .," he said.

"Bye, Ruffy!" she said, running off.

"Eh. . .," he was left alone again. "Meh. Quieter this way. Hello, there," he said to a dog, who wouldn't seem to get away. "Hey, HEYYY!"

The dog wouldn't stop sniffing his head, until it turned and walked away a little.

"Phew. . .," he sighed. ". . .EH?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screeched while the dog lifted up it's leg at him. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"So, how are YOU doin'?" asked Reno in black trunks, talking to this tall, blonde woman.

She grumbled, splashed her drink on him, and strolled off.

"YEAH, I KNOW YOU WANT ME!" he called after her. "YOU JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THE WANTON URGES I GIVE YOU!"

"How suave," said B.T., walking over in a similarly black bikini, with a silky white cloth tied at her hips. "Is that how you get all your dates?"

"Said the old school marm," he sneered. "You think you can do better, you dried up old killjoy?"

She glared. "I'm younger than you are."

Now his smile was more innocent. "Okay, then snag someone with your undying youth, why don't you?"

Her stare was very flat. She turned very quickly with her hips, grabbed the closest guy, gave him mouth-to-mouth, and shoved a piece of paper at him. "Call me," she said, the man blushing, a little fixating with her chest, then nodded with her face and strolled away, staring at the paper still blushing.

"How. . .aggressive. So like you," he blinked, staring at what B.T. just did. "But, you still lose."

Very irritated, she growled, "And why?!"

"Because, I wanted you to get a GIRL, like ME," he said, with a toothy grin.

She stared blankly this time. "A. . .girl?"

"Yeah," he said.

". . . .Hmph." She walked right past him.

"Heheheh-YOW!" he screeched.

"Serves you right," said B.T., issuing him a wedgie, holding onto the elastic waistband. "I used to like you, but you're just so. . .so-

"Irresistible?" he asked, teeth clenched in pain.

"Pig-headed," she replied. "Have a good day" She gave a quick salute and turned, heading down the beach.

"Yes, yes, YESSSSSS!" shouted Korus, with Mars and Condrugon, at a lookout station, watching Tifa reach over for the suntan oil. "AAAAHAHAHAAA!"

"Hmm. . .," thought Mars, looking at Tifa with the oil. "Bathroom."

"Bathroom?" asked Korus. "Just when it's getting good?!" He was sitting around in some green trunks.

Mars had a pair of red, and Condrugon sat in a pair of black and two thin vertical stripes on the side. "Yeah, got a problem with that?" asked Mars. "I'll be back in a sec." He climbed down from the wooden structure and started down the beach.

"How unlike him," said Condrugon, also wearing a black, sleeveless shirt.

"Dude, isn't all the black kind of. . ."

"What?" Condrugon asked.

"Hot?" asked Korus.

Condrugon smiled. "Only for the ladies."

Korus blinked. ". . .Yeah, sure, whatever. . ."

Tifa was sitting on a large, layback beach chair, black sunglasses propped up behind her ears and resting on her forehead. She was sitting up, applying some of the shiny, clear liquid over her arms, in a tied-over, wrap white top and black, thong-like bikini bottom (what's up with this woman and that monochromatic color combination?) over her smooth skin, with a loose upturn to her mouth, finally getting some peace. Gripping the bottle, it was suddenly snatched out of her hands. ". . .Eh?"

Mars stood with a moderately, unknowingly truthful face over her. "Need someone to put some on your back?"

". . ." Tifa was a little more than skeptical about this. But somehow, with at least the expression he had, she decided to give him a shot. "Uh, yeah I guess." She set the beach chair flat and laid over on her stomach, untying the back. "There. Any funny business and you become the new Rachel."

He grinned. "Yes, madam! Heheheheheheheheheheh. . ."

"What was that overly disturbing laugh for?"

"NOTHING!"

"This beach seems, uh. . .," said Rachel, staring along with Laura, but not Angelo who didn't suspect a thing, "invaded."

Laura nodded. "Uh-huh."

"What? Invaded?" asked Angelo. "Only with pretty girls."

"Hiiiiii!" said Sky, walking over. "Rachel? Laura? About time you got here. Who's the dude?" she asked.

"Who's the hooker and why do you know her?" asked Angelo, talking over to Laura. "Is there something you have to tell me? Don't worry, I only want a tape of it."

"I AM NOT A LESBIAN!" Laura screamed.

The entire beach stared silently.

" . . . .Eeeeheheheheheheheheheh. . .," she laughed, entirely pink, then grumbled. "Why is the entire island questioning my sexuality?"

"Because we're in front of your boyfriend?" asked Rachel.

"Ooooooh, this is her boyfriend?!" asked Sky eagerly in her red bikini. "Does that mean I can have Vincent?"

Angelo blinked. "Vincent?"

"Er, it's uh, it's nothing! NOTHING AT ALL!" she said, sweating.

"And you're sweating because. . .?"

"It's the heat!" she feigned. "I, uh, I'll go fetch my bathing suit. . ."

Surka sat at a refreshment stand, looking rather bitter about it all.

"Awww, what's the problem?" asked Ifalna, sitting next to her.

"I'm visited by undead spirits so often, I'm not surprised anymore?" Surka guessed. "I don't have a bathing suit, and next of all, as if I'd let anyone catch me dead in one."

"Sucker. . .," muttered Zack, in the opposite chair beside her. "Eh, you'd look just FINE in one."

"That's what you think," said Surka.

POOF!

"I don't like that sound-EHHHHHH?!" shouted Surka, jumping up from her seat in a purple, somewhat revealing bathing suit.

"There ya' go!" said Zack, smacking her ass and ushering her over to the rest of everyone else. "Have fun!"

"BUT-

"FUUUUUUUN!" he said, shoving her over, then hopping back over on his seat. "Yep yep. . .Why are we here again?"

"Is it so wrong to spend our time off here?" Ifalna asked. "And besides, I like to think of it as a family vacation with my daughter."

"Aw, isn't that sweet? But, I'm not your daughter. . .," said Zack. "Or do I not have adorable eyes?" he asked sweetly, batting his eyelashes.

"They're adorable enough. Hi, Zack," said Aeris, waving behind him, obviously wearing a pink bikini.

"Eh?" asked Zack. "How did you know we were-

"Surka's in a bikini and thus is a miracle from God. Who works for God?"

"Strippers," said Zack.

"Noooo. . .," said Aeris. "YOU do! So, I went to the direction she came from, and there you are!"

"Ten points for Aeris!" said Zack. "Yaaaay!"

"Is that mockery?" asked Aeris.

"Yeah, playful mockery," he said.

"Okay," said Aeris. "Just checking. Hi, mom."

"Aeris! HUGS!" Ifalna was squeezing the life out of her daughter. "It's rare when I get to see you!"

"Considering you're dead, yes. . .," Aeris gasped. "LEMME. . .LEMME BREATHE, MOM. . ."

"Oohoohoo, whoops. . .," said Ifalna. "Your father is collecting shells, classifying them with their 'respective binomial nomenclature'," she said, doing those quotation handmotion. "He never quits."

"ARTHROPAEDA!" he shouted from down the beach, in one of those old looking men's bathing suits, in white and red stripes.

"YAAAAY! ARTHROPAEDA!" shouted Lucrecia, standing next to him, holding up a shell in either hand.

"Eheheh. What those two consider fun. . .," Ifalna sighed, also wondering how weird it was that Lucrecia was still wearing a white lab coat on the beach, even more curious how that was over her white bikini.

"You're all, uh. . .hi," said Laura, her bikini being of a more lavender color. "What are all of you guys doing?"

"Sobbing. . .," said Rufus' head in the sand.

"HEHEHEHEHEHEHEH. . .," laughed Mars, sitting on Tifa's lower back, rubbing on the oil.

"He's actually very good at that. . .," said Tifa. "So I'm letting him give me a massage."

"Volleyball!" said Sky, over at a net. "OW!"

"AAAHAHAHAAA!" laughed Surka, who just whacked one into Sky's face.

"Making fun of Reno's manhood," said B.T., lying on a beach chair with many pretty men tending to her needs.

"Learning new languages," said Christina, apparently talking to a dog.

"Plotting against our colleague," grumbled Korus and Condrugon.

"Um. . .That's nice," said Laura. "Angelo, these are my friends. . .Who have almost complete control of this section of the beach."

Everyone was using this part of the beach it seemed, hardly paying attention to any of the work at hand.

"This many came with you?" asked Angelo, blinking. "I didn't know you were this popular."

"Believe it or not. . .," Rachel sighed. "OW!"

Laura whacked her over the head much like Tifa.

"Ooh, aggressive. . .," said Angelo. "Anyhow, you gonna introduce me to any of them?"

"Uh. . ." Laura looked to her left at Rachel, who nodded. "Okay. . .that first one you met is Sky-

"The hooker?" asked Angelo.

"I AM NOT A HOOKER!" she sobbed.

"Um. . .okay. . .," said Angelo. "And these people?"

"Uh. . .," she pointed to each one. "Nyow, Jessie, Holly, Selena, Andariel, Kristi, Korus, Keily, Condrugon, Steve, Mars, Wraithe, Kiako, uh. . .Kiro. . ."

"RACHEL! WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING A BIKINI?!" Kiro exclaimed, in her own two-piece. "ARE YOU NOT GOING TO FIT IN WITH THE OCCASION?!"

"Uh, well about that, Kiro. . .," said Rachel, "I REALLY dislike wearing bathing suits, as well as even short pants. I'm just fine. . ."

"YES, OF COURSE YOU'RE FINE! YOU'RE CUTE! NOW, SHOW IT TO THE WORLD!" said Kiro, grabbing Rachel to her, hugging. "Come on, my muffin. . ."

"Ahhhahahahah. . .," Rachel sobbed.

". . .Can I take a picture of that?" asked Angelo, staring, fixated.

"LET ME CONTINUE. . .," said Laura. "There's also, uh. . .I can't remember all their names while they're not immediately in front of me. . .," she said. "Erg, uh. . .Sadi, Mia, Eternal, Mike, Chikara, Konoshi, Dayna, Kami, Surka, Hype, Cleo-

"MROW!" Cleow stabbed her claws into the volleyball when they knocked it at her. "Serves you right. . ." She tossed back the deflated remnants.

"Eheheheh. . .Christina, Lucrecia, Tifa, Reno, Cloud-

"Okay, okay, okaaay. . .," said Angelo. "Now you're just naming FF7 characters."

"No, I could give you a photo I.D.," said Tifa. "I swear, that's our names."

Angelo blinked and just thought these people were the most remarkable cosplayers he'd ever seen. ". . .Suuuuure. . .And I suppose there's a Yuffie."

"Yeah," Yuffie said, still wearing her normal clothes. "But since you remembered me, here's your wallet back." She tossed him his wallet.

". . .Eh?!" he said, seeing as it really was his. "That's just too much. . ."

"Too much money?" asked Aeris. "What's he talking about?"

"I dunno," said Tifa.

"Well, yes yes. . .," said Laura. "It's about 3:00. . .so what do you want to do? . . .Rachel?"

Rachel was hiding from the sun under an umbrella. "My eyes are sensitive to light."

"I'm sensitive to light, period," said Vincent, walking over. "Hello, Laura."

Angelo's eyes widen and he stared down. "Is that. . .that a-

"Metal arm. Yes," said Vincent, in his crimson red trunks. "Um. . .Laura, he's staring. . ."

"Heheh. That's actually pretty understandable. . .Nobody in this world has appendages like that," said Laura.

"This world?" asked Angelo.

"AHHH! THIS IS GETTING COMPLICATED!" shouted Laura. "Look, um. . ." She was getting confused between the both of them. "Vincent, let me see you, privately for a second. . ."

Vincent hesitantly nodded, and moved off.

"Oh, before you go, I forgot," said Angelo.

"Yeah?" asked Laura. "Hmm?!"

Angelo pretty much to say. . .planted her a pretty big one right there and then.

Vincent stared, and shook his head, turning around.

Rachel grinned and took a picture. "HEHEHEHEHEH. . .THAT'S A KEEPER!"

"Heheh," Angelo laughed. "Forgot when I first saw you."

Laura blushed. "Oh. . .Heh, see you in a second. . .," she said strenuously, going after Vincent, who she knew caught the tail end, at least.

"Er. . .okaaaaaaay. . .," said Angelo, expecting her to say something a little more than that. "See you. . ."

But she was already a little too far to hear.

Laura eventually caught up to a quieter spot that Vincent chose, around the refreshment bar, where Ifalna and Zack were, but had vanished from the spot.

"Vincent, what are you doing here? I thought you didn't like beaches," said Laura.

He spoke pretty calmly. "I was coaxed into it," he said, with finality. "I figured I'd just stay around here, where it's cooler. Why, did you want to be alone?"

As calm as he sounded, she took it as a bit of a blow. "N-no, I mean, Rachel's with me. . ."

"Okay then," he shrugged. "Laura, did you intend to. . .eventually tell me about that?"

"Um. . .yeah, but it's a lot harder to actually do it than it is to intend. . .," she said, nervously. "I'm sorry. . ."

He shook his head. "It was. . .disappointing to watch," he said, "but it wasn't unexpected. That is to say, if you did ever return here."

"What do you mean by, 'wasn't unexpected'?" she asked. "Does that mean you knew?"

"It means what it means," he said, still calm. "I didn't actually know, but I had a feeling."

Sighing, she looked away slightly. "Uhm. . ." She was nervous. "So, if it was expected, why do you, you know. . .YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW. . .," she continued.

"I guess I was sort of hoping you wouldn't return," he said. "But things happen."

"And you expected it because. . .?"

"Because, I think you're beautiful, that's why," he said. "I can't make your decisions for you, but I'll do my best to change your mind."

Zack, Ifalna, and Gast were watching from a distance.

"Aahahaha. . .," laughed Zack. "This is getting heated up, what say?"

"Young love. . .," Ifalna sniffed. " 'TIS SO CONFUSING. . ."

"Uh, yes. . .," said Gast, watching his wife. "I didn't know you liked soap operas."

"Well, not really," said Ifalna, having control again. "It's just that it's so much fun watching these people."

"But don't we have probation over Sephiroth?" asked Zack.

"Meh! It's our vacation! We can do what we want. . .," said Ifalna. "And I say, we watch this to the bitter end! Pass the popcorn!"

Laura was blushing at both the comment and how he was taking this. "Change my mind. . .?"

"I made a mistake," Vincent said, "and I'd be more than an idiot if I made it twice."

Angelo was trying to watch what they were doing, but everyone was doing their best to block his view. "What are they doing? HEY!"

Sky jumped over to make a block.

"Just lemme-

This time, it was Jessie.

"I WANT TO- AHHHH!"

They all shoved Tifa's chest in his face.

"AAAHAHAHAA!" laughed Mars. "THE ULTIMATE DISTRACTION!"

Tifa sobbed. "Why me?!"

"Because nobody is more properly equipped than you are," said Rachel. "I mean, REALLY. . ."

"I'd smack you if I weren't already helping Laura. . .," Tifa grumbled. ". . .He's pretty submerged in there," she remarked, seeing as his face hadn't moved.

"I think he fainted," said Wraithe. "Shall we revive him?"

Angelo, was almost an unhealthy shade of red when he fell over. "HEHEHEH. . .BOOBS. . ."

"No, I think that worked," said Rachel. "Let's camp!"

"I can't believe we actually listen to you," said Tifa, roasting a marshmallow over a fire.

"Isn't this reminiscent, Rachel?" Kiro cooed into Rachel's ear. "Like, the first time we met?"

"Kiro, don't make me stab this hot marshmallow up your ass," said Rachel, a little disturbed. "AND GET AWAY FROM MY EAR!"

"Excuse me, when Kiro finally does Rachel, I want a video," said Mars, raising his hand.

"Oh, shut up. . ."

Laura sighed, and put an ice pack on Angelo's head. "You perv. . .," she grumbled. "But, you are a guy. . .Thanks for helping, Vinnie."

Vincent nodded and gave a rare smile. "He needed the help. Especially after the. . .well, the-

"Boob assault?" Laura guessed. "I hear he had a nosebleed that went down Tifa's shirt."

"You going to whack him for that?" asked Vincent, on the other side of Angelo's unconscious body.

"Maaaybe. . .," said Laura, sitting down comfortably, while they were only a little way off from the fire. "Except, if I did, he'd probably jump to many, many conclusions. . . That's a bit of a flaw he has."

"I. . .I do NOT jump to conclusions!" he said, waking up. "Laura, that's not nice to say. . ."

"Pfft! It's the TRUTH. . .," she said. "Heheh. Angelo, this is Vincent. Vincent, Angelo. Introduced well?"

"Well enough," said both Angelo and Vincent at the same time, then looking at each other, and back to Laura.

"Wow, Laura. . .," said Angelo. "He sure looks like. . .you know…VINCENT. . ."

"Cosplay skills are incredible. . .," she said, trying to make an excuse. "They're all huge fans, as you can imagine. . ."

"Yeah. Is that real?" asked Angelo, poking Vincent's arm.

"Yes, it is 100 titanium with, uh. . ." Vincent saw Laura's very nervous glare. ". . .It's fake."

"But very lifelike. . .," said Angelo, still poking it. "Can you spar with it?"

"Easily. Why?" asked Vincent, curious.

"How about it, then?" asked Angelo.

"Moron. . .," Laira sighed. "Weren't you unconscious five minutes ago? Don't you think you should-

"HAHA!" laughed Angelo, jumping up to his feet. "REST IS FOR THE WEAK! THE NIGHT IS STILL YOUNG! . . .How long have I been out?"

"About FIVE HOURS. . .," grumbled Laura. "And you were drooling, too. What WERE you dreaming about?"

"Ohhh, nothing. . .," he said. "Come on Vince, I challenge ya'!"

"I SMELL SPARRING. . .," said Steve, whipping his head around to see where.

"DOWN. . .," said Rachel, holding the top of his head with her right hand, to stop it from spinning. "Not today. . ."

"Meanie. . ."

"Heyyy! LAAAUUURAAA!" shouted Rachel, calling for her. "C'MEEERE!"

Laura heard her. "Uhhh. . .okay, you two be good, and please, don't bleed on the beach," she said, running for the fire.

". . .She's gone," said Angelo. "Soooo. . .wanna fight? It's great exercise. . ."

"If you wish," said Vincent, putting on his right-hand glove.

"Nyess, Rachel?" asked Laura, bounding next to her. "What's up?"

"My my, you're handling this very well. . .," said Rachel, with a mischievous grin and accusing eyes, that the rest of the group shared.

"H-hey!" said Laura. "There's no reason I should be overreacting, is there?"

Tifa snickered.

"What? WHAAAT?!" asked Laura.

"Overreacting is your middle name," said Tifa. "OH, VINCENT!" she mocked, pressing the back of her palm on her forehead dramatically. "TOGETHER, WE'LL FILL THE WORLD WITH OUT CHILDREN!"

Then, they all snickered while she grumbled.

"Okay, okay, that's what's called a FANGIRL REFLEX. . .," said Laura. "FANGIRL REFLEX!"

"Is THIS a fangirl reflex?!" asked Cid, wondering about Kiako on his arm.

"Oh, my dear Captain Cuddlecakes! We'll fly to the STARS!" she cooed, swooning on his arm.

"Yes, yes it is," said Laura, nodding.

"I see. . .," said Reno, taking notes. "So, essentially, fangirls must be bred for undying love and aggressive sex."

They were all quiet.

". . .Actually, that's pretty accurate," said Rachel. "But, their love is only directed towards certain things, the rest they ignore."

Mars sniffled. "Wish I had fangirls. . .and aggressive sex. . ."

"Been there, done that. . .," said Mike.

Again, there was quiet.

"Wh-what?!" he asked. "There's nothing wrong with that!"

"No, no there isn't. . .," said Tifa. "It's just maybe something you should keep to yourself. . .CLOUD. . ."

"Oh, you suck. . .," Cloud grumbled, folding his arms.

"Okay then. . .," said Rachel. ". . .Are you okay, Laura?"

Laura was quiet.

". . .Eh?" asked Rachel.

". . .NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Laura sobbed. "I AM NOT ALL RIGHT!"

"I knew it," said Sky.

"I say, you pick the hottest one," said Jessie.

"Or, the most sensitive," said Aeris.

"Perhaps the one who'll be able to protect you the best," said Holly.

"OOH!" said Kiro. "HAVE SEX WITH BOTH AND DECIDE WHO'S BETTER!"

"NO, KIRO. . .," they all said.

"Who do you care for most?" asked Rachel.

"Hmmm. . .," thought Laura. ". . .Pretty much both."

"FLIP A COIN!" shouted Steve.

Rachel smacked him behind the head. "That is THE MOST insensitive idea of deciding between people I've EVER heard!"

"Owie. . ."

"Well, on one side, you get a dark-spirited, droolably hot gunslinger with compassion. Almost," said Rachel. "You've known him for about ten months. On the other hand, there's Angelo, whom you've been with for. . .?"

"About the same. . .," Laura sighed.

"OWWW!"

Laura turned around, and saw Angelo pinned with his arm on the ground. "OWWW! YOU WIN! YOU WIN! Damn, you're good. . .," he said about Vincent and his sparring.

"Well, I was a Turk," Vincent shrugged, standing up.

Angelo laughed. "Okay, okay, nice joke."

Vincent cocked a confused eyebrow. "Oookay. . ."

"Didn't I tell you, no bleeding?" said Laura, running over.

Rachel watched from the campsite. "I hope she makes the right choice."

"Her head doesn't know, but her feelings must be correct," said Tifa. "I mean, I was 100 right dumping Dusseldorf here.

"HEYYY! I'm not German. . .Whatever 'German is'. . .," said Cloud.

"Hey, we're not bleeding. . .," said Angelo. "Heh, at least I know I wouldn't make this guy here bleed, right Vincent?"

"Probably not," said Vincent. "Laura, your boyfriend is quite good. . .But he still needs to work on his reflexive timing."

"This guy's lightning, I swear. . .," said Angelo. "I'm getting a rematch. But, you're leaving tomorrow, right?"

Laura sighed and looked down, rubbing her arm nervously.

Vincent looked down, and felt the need to console her, but instead remained firm and nodded. "Later tonight, actually. Laura, say thank you to your mother for us," he said. "I'm afraid that rematch would have to wait, unless you'd like one now."

"Nah, maybe when my ARM heals. . .," said Angelo, rubbing it more briskly than Laura. "Like, in an hour or so."

"All right, I'll speak to Tifa when we're leaving. . .," Vincent said.

"How many cosplay contests have you actually won?" asked Angelo.

"Cos. . .play?" asked Vincent.

"Yeah, with the arm, the cape, the headband. . .Looks rather exact if you ask me," Angelo said.

"Uhhhh. . .," said Vincent.

"Oh well, just drop by soon, all right?" said Angelo. "You really didn't have enough time to enjoy this place."

"Um. . .all right. . .," said Vincent, nodding. "I'm sort of deciding where to live, anyway. . ."

Laura shook her head, and gave him a very wide-eyed expression.

"Uh. . .A decision that shall soon be resolved elsewhere?" Vincent replied.

"Um, ooookay there. . .," said Angelo, wondering about that last part.

"This is taking too looooong. . .," Tifa sighed.

"NOOOO! NOOOOO! YOU CAN'T BREAK THE BONDS OF TRUE LOOOOOVE!" Rachel whined.

"What IS it with you and that true love bit?" asked Cloud.

"I dunno," said Rachel. "I guess I use it for ever drop dead sexy guy I see."

All the guys blinked, then smiled and waved.

"Errr. . .I'll give my decision on that one later. . .," said Rachel. "Tifa, stop being so meaaaan!"

"It can't be helped," Tifa sighed. "It's now or never, and as much I do think something like this can't be rushed, she also can't just debate on this forever."

Heading off in Laura's direction, she strode quickly, and took a hold of Laura's shoulder.

"Huh?" asked Laura, turning around.

Tifa had a sympathetic expression for a split-second for reassurance, but faced both Vincent and Angelo that reflected more seriousness. "Vincent, it's time we had to go. We have to go."

Vincent nodded, and then nodded, looked at Laura who stared back up, but he couldn't do more but wave and go.

"See ya'!" said Angelo, waving to him. "Uh. . .Laura?"

She sat completely silent, a little pale.

_"Doo, doo, doo, doooo. . ."_, she thought. _"Oookaaay. . .Either I stay here, at home. . .or, either I leave with Vincent. Leave, or stay. . .Leave, or STAAAAY. . .The inner voice says go, but another say leave. The head says stay, but the heart says go. . .Stay, or go, stay or, go, stay or- NOOOOOO! HE'S GETTING FARTHER AWAY, YOU MORON! GOOOO! RUNNN! RUNNN LIKE THE WIIIIIND! . . .Am I talking to myself? Is the voice yelling at me? Am I yelling at me, or are you yelling at me? Or are WE talking to myself? I'm getting confused with my pronouns! GAAAH, I'M LIKE RACHEL ON A GRAMMAR RANT! . . .Oh poo, he's gone."_

"I guess we gotta pack up," said Angelo, gathering up the towel he was lying on. "You ready to go?"

"Hmm. . .yeah," Laura nodded. "I'm ready."

"Awww, poor V-kun," said Rachel, watching him as he climbed onto Bahamut, then sniffled. ". . .POOR ME! I'M WITHOUT A CO-STAR!"

"Co-star?" asked Tifa, looking at her, baffled. "What the crap are you talking about?"

"It's more fun to think about it like a sitcom," said Rachel, Cloud nodding in agreement.

"Of course, the idiots agree," said Tifa.

"WHO WANTS TO BE MY CO-STAR?!" asked Rachel, waving her hand. "IT HAS NO PAY OR BENEFITS WHATSOEVER!"

"I WILL!" shouted Kiro. "IT HAS ONE BENEFIT, AND THAT'S ALL I NEED!"

"Uh. . .We don't pay for dental," said Rachel, blinking.

"I'm sorry, Vincent," said Christina, sitting at her usual spot, around the tail. "Maybe it's for the best."

He shook his head. "You don't have anything to be sorry about, just me."

"That's surprising. . .," said Keily. "She didn't pick tall, dark, and handsome."

"AND THEY WERE SO GOOD FOR EACH OTHER!" Konoshi sobbed. ". . .Say anything about it, and I'll kill you with a pencil."

"Suuuurrre. . .," said Keily, a little weirded out. "Ooookaaay. . ."

"Is everyone onboard?" asked Tifa, calling from Bahamut's head. "Anyone want to stay? The next stop is the U.S. . . .Whatever that means."

Not willing to risk losing another person, nobody said a word.

"Okay," Tifa nodded. "I guess we're off." She quickly sat down, and hesitantly, patted the left side of Bahamut's head, signaling for taking off.

With powerful wing beats, the sky dragon Bahamut, left the island, and-

"WAIT! WAAAAAAAAAAIT!" shouted Rachel. "NOOOOO!"

"We've already LEFT!" shouted Tifa. "We're already 200 feet in the air! DID YOU LEAVE YOUR RUBBER CHOCOBO IN THE BATHTUB?!"

"No, and his name is BOKIE," Rachel pouted. "I just don't think it's fair to end it this way!"

"End what?" asked Cloud. "We're not ending anything."

"NO! It's NOT a story without Laura!" Rachel said.

"Rachel, this ISN'T a sitcom," said Tifa. "And if it WERE, we'd already be CANCELED. NOTHING happens to us, and when somebody leaves, it's JUST A PART OF LIFE. You knew it would happen one day."

"Well. . .not exactly. . .," said Laura.

"Yes, it WOULD-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Tifa shouted. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH US, 500 FEET IN THE AIR?!"

"Um. . .flying?" Laura guessed. "I decided to come with you. That a problem?"

Vincent stood up. "Laura I-

"LAAAAAAAAAAAAAURAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Rachel wailed, knocking Vincent aside. "YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND, EVER!"

"Gee, thanks?" said Laura, kinda sad she missed the Vincent part. "Rachel, my LUNGS. . .I can't inhale while my face is in your SHOULDER. . ."

And, Vincent kind of leered at Rachel.

". . .OHHHHH!" said Rachel, quickly releasing Laura. "I GET IT!" She winked. "YEAAAAAAAAH, I KNEW IT ALL THIS TIME! I. . .I'll go now," she said, walking away.

"Uh. . .," said Vincent, knowing that some were indeed, staring. "How, and why-

"I told him I wanted to go," Laura shrugged. "And, I sorta, maybe, uh. . .I told him there was somebody I cared about," she sighed, nervously.

"Heheheh, that person is ME," said Rachel.

Then, everyone leered at her.

"Oh, FINE, it was VINCENT," Rachel grumbled. "Ya' can't get any respect and/or love. . ."

"Heh. . .," said Vincent. "I almost considered jumping off this thing, too. I, uh. . .I-

She held up a finger, knowingly. "I think we'd be best off not saying it. I already understand. But. . ."

"But. . .?" he asked.

"Angelo kind of figured what I meant, I mean, he may jump to conclusions, but, he's not exactly what you'd call stupid. . .," she said, then rolled her eyes and coughed. "Eheh. Yeah, well, he said that 'going after something from your dreams is important because you'll only have one chance, but if it involves losing something you already have, you only have one chance to keep it, too.'"

"So, you chose to give it up?" Vincent said.

"It's also been said that you can't gain anything without losing something. . .," said Laura. "I thought about what I wanted, and I guess I picked you because you let me have my own sovereignty about what I wanted to do. And besides. . .I think it's a lot more fun to chase your dreams. But, in the meantime. . ."

He eagerly anticipated her saying something about her being "legal".

"I THINK I WANNA TAKE A NAP. . .," she sighed, lying down. "Chasing after all of you and climbing up the backside of a ferocious dragon is pretty exhausting, especially while you're climbing up in the air at a high rate. . ." After that, it seemed she was completely clocked out.

"Not what I was hoping for. . .," he sighed, frowning, sitting down and folding his legs, then easing her head into his lap, brushing her hair out of her eyes, quietly asleep. ". . .But, exactly what I wanted, too."

"Hello? HELLO?!" shouted Rufus, still buried up to his head in the sand on the beach. "ANYONE REMEMBER ME?! TIFA! RACHEL! CLOUD! RENO, FOR GOD'S SAKE! . . .Keily?! HELLLLLP!"

* * *

AN3: Aaaahahahaha. I'm back with a vengeance.

Tifa: But, that doesn't mean you have a license to kill the name of all that is literature.

AN3: ::grumbles:: Critics. Anyway, I realize it's been about, oh, three or four months since I did anything. But you know, I'd like to say that this should be that last of one of those episodes that have those dosages of drama, and we'll be back to being stupid about nothing.

Everyone: . . .Yay?

AN3: I kinda hope so. . .Hey, that was half of last season, and you all seemed to like it. But yes, we're going to try out some new costumes, explore the other half of this story, to discover what it's like for the FF7 characters figuring out how to live in the so-called, "real world", but there's a problem.

Everyone: What?

AN3: Time lag.

Christina: Well, that's what you get for that unannounced and unprepared for hiatus.

AN3: ::sighs:: I know. So, we're going to be making up for lost time, so this will still be set back to last year until we catch up. One question, though. . .

Tifa: Nyess?

AN3: Should we still do a Christmas episode? Now, I'm going to guess some people will just say, "Why don't you decide?". But you know what?! I'M A LIBRA! I CAN'T MAKE SNAP DECISIONS! I'm very indecisive, so I want YOU to tell me! Why do you think I ask you?! BECAUSE, I'M TERRIBLE AT MAKING DECISIONS, SO I INCORPORATE FAIR JUDGEMENT FROM THE GROUP. So please, help this poor authoress and her meager, decision-making capabilities.

Reno: Okay then. . .Tell me, are there anymore updates while you're at it? Liiiike. . .Reno gets some. . .?

AN3: Yes, and no. Or, at least not yet.

Reno: ::sobs::

AN3: Okay, I've planned out at least 3 seasons of this crud, unless I get a new idea/perspective. Will THREE, count them, THREE seasons suffice?!

Cult: GO ON FOREVERRRRRR!

AN3: I really ought to do something with that cult.

Konoshi: Liiike, CONQUER THE WORLD?! Or, actually please them with frequent updates?

AN3: Considering the next part of season 2 ought to be all about fun, there should be more frequent updates with, hopefully, shorter chapters. Also, if we pray to God, less typos.

Tifa: You don't check over your work, do you? Shouldn't you get a beta reader?

AN3: Sound advice! But, no, because that takes too much time! These people are smart! They can figure it out!

Holly: What if we're grammar nazis who feel physical pain when we see a mistake.

AN3: Then, you're just like me.

Holly: But, you said you don't check over your work.

AN3: LONG LIVE LAZINESS!

Lazy people: YAAAAY!

AN3: Long live semicolons, contractions, and improper uses of prepositions! . . .Okay, not that last one, but slang is ALL RIGHT. I mean, I won't walk up to Tifa and say, "How art thou, good madam? Shall I set thine dinnerware betwixt thy glassware? And shall I removeth thee of the good, blonde knave?".

Cloud: Heheheheh. . .wait. . .Blonde knave?

AN3: ::coughs:: Nothing. I sure say mean things about the characters I love. Like, Cloud and Tifa! Tifa's being bitchy, and Cloud, is well. . .He's not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but now he's ever duller.

Cloud: . . .Eh?

AN3: See? I'm an American! I am RUDE, I am LAZY, and I AM DAMN PROUD OF IT! Fortunately, I'm not fat like the other half of America. But you know what? So what if they're overweight?! STOP PICKING ON THEM! THAT'S JUST MEAN!

Cid: What are you DOING?!

AN3: Goin' on a rant! I think I should smack my picture up on my deviantart page, but I'm rather hesitant letting the entire world see my hideous, abhor-able face.

Everyone: ::falls over and sighs:: That's it. Instead of correcting her, we'll just let her insult herself.

AN3: Thank you.

Everyone: ::sobs::

AN3: Okay, okay, more updates, more updates. . .Hmmm. . .We'll be having fun with the ever classic school setting. Yes, all the high-school aged girls will be going to MY school! AAAHAHAHAHAAA! . . .The other ones, I'll figure out. ::hands Vincent a suit::

Vincent: . . .This looks a lot like a Turk suit. What is it for?

AN3: You, my good blood-sucking dweller of the night, are going to be a teacher.

Vincent: . . .I'm not a vampire.

AN3: Deal with it! Okay, now, Lucrecia's gonna be a teacher, too. Yuffie's gonna be a student. Now, both of you. . .PLEASE don't destroy anything.

Yuffie: Won't be fun that way!

Lucrecia: Accidents are part of progress!

AN3: Ugh. Tifa, you're NOT going to be a teacher.

Tifa: Why not?

AN3: I don't believe in corporal punishment, especially when inflicted upon students.

Tifa: ::grumble grumble grumble::

AN3: Okay, enough dictation of roles! You know what? Since my school has two plays each year, we should do another play for AE.

Tifa: And I bet it'll be just as tortuous as the last.

AN3: YOU BET! We're doing King Henry the V this time! . . .Or was it the VIII?

Everyone: ::sighs::

AN3: Okay, okay. . .Who had a good Christmas.

Everyone: ::wiped::

AN3: Oh, today is Monday. . .I guess most of you went to school. My goal was to update before the end of break, and since I'm still on break. . .I met MY goal, just maybe not to you. . .

Everyone: ::homicidal::

AN3: ::nervous:: Uhhh, off that topic! Yes, there will be perverted moments! Horrible accidents! Strange misunderstandings, and as little plot as possible until I introduce the next end of season, when it ALL TIES TOGETHER!

Nyow: I dunno about you, but the last season ending was tolerable, so this season's ending ought to be tolerable, too.

AN3: Yeah, that's the last time I spend 3 days and countless hours of my life on you, just for the sake of an ending. I never have a set plan of ideas for this, so I just have an agenda on how to get there. Most of the last season ending was me running in circles on how to achieve the effect I wanted.

Nyow: What effect was that?

AN3: For nobody to start throwing carrots at me. Or any other vegetables for that matter. I lost all my reviews, so I sorta forgot what people said. . .Hope last ending was okay, and I'm trying my best to make this season as good as the last! We don't want to be the Matrix and get suckier as we go along in the seasons.

Mars: Does MARS get any action?

AN3: Will it make the season any better?

Mars: . . . . .Yes, yes it will.

AN3: Riiiiight. Any other complaints and suggestions?

Korus: Does KORUS get any action?

Reno: AND MEEEEE!

AN3: YOU SEX OBSESSED PEOPLE! YOU DON'T SEE ME HAVING OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE SEX WITH STEVE, NOW DO YOU?! NO! JUST BECAUSE I HAVE PERVERTED TENDENCIES DOESN'T MEAN. . .doesn't. . .mean. . .Steve, go to my trailer. I expect to find you naked.

Steve: ::sweatdrop, but runs off anyway::

AN3: Aaahahahaha. Just kidding.

Steve: ::falls over, grumbling::

Everyone: ::freaked out and scared::

AN3: JUST KIDDING! Geez, you people are SENSITIVE. Anyway, I HOPE to catch up. And I want that Christmas episode input! When we get back, I do believe we'll be starting all that promised lunacy. Tifa finding an apartment and a job, which ought to be hard because everyone thinks she's lying about her name and occupation-

Tifa: IT'S NOT EASY, BEING FICTIONAL!

AN3: ::sweatdrop:: and other things, like registering all these other people as students and such. But remember. . .This stuff was supposed to be at the end of the SUMMER. So think SEPTEMBER. I know that's painful, but just for the sake of the story. Bye, bye!

Vincent and Laura: ::making out::

AN3: OH, GOD! BREAK IT UP!

Vincent and Laura: ::looking in opposite directions, whistling::

AN3: THAT'S BETTER. . .Keep this story KOSHER. . .Is anybody Jewish?

Everyone: END THE DAMN CREDITS!

AN3: KILLJOYS! ::grumbles:: Bye!


	10. Chapter 9: High School Girls

Chapter 9: High School Girls

A/N: Funny, I get a bad feeling just from the title of this chapter. Oh well. You know what? Final Fantasy 7 is owned by Squaresoft, and LadyTifa26 owns Laura. Betcha didn't see that one coming. Hah. Ah. . . ha. . .ick.

* * *

"You know, I don't see why I have to honestly do this," said Yuffie, walking into Rachel's school counselor's office. "I do NOT have to go to school! I never have, and I never will! Honestly, WHEN will I use algebra!"

"If you're a mechanical or chemical engin-

"In a job that I will be likely to HAVE," Yuffie implied to Rachel.

Rachel blinked. "Oh. Heheh. Yeah, good point. It's kind of like a way to shave off time in purgatory here on Earth."

"Oh, how religious for a Catholic school. Just, I'm not a Catholic," Yuffie, said, with as much resistance as possible.

"Don't need to be," Laura shrugged. "There are lots of different people here."

Yuffie clasped her hands together and tilted her head downward.

"Uh, Yuffie?" Rachel asked.

"Shhh. . .," whispered Yuffie. "I'm praying to the god of kick-ass to smite you and let me go."

"You'll be FIIIINE!" said Rachel cheerfully, shoving her in the office. "GO AND WORK YOUR NINJA MAGIC!"

"NOOOOO!" Yuffie complained, squirming. "AHHHH!" She toppled, as gracefully as a ninja can, into a wastebasket.

"Uh, heyhi there, but I can assure you, I don't live in a trashcan," said a woman's voice.

"AHH!" shouted Yuffie. "BLINDFOLDED BEFORE THE ENEMY!"

The wastebasket was gently lifted off her head, with a few scraps of wadded paper tumbling out. "Enemy? I don't bite," said the woman, in a casual blue shirt and khakis, with small, round glasses. "Now, your name is. . .err. . ." She didn't know how to pronounce it. "Yuhffy?"

Yuffie grumbled. "Yuffie. Yooooo-feeeeee," she pronounced, exaggerating.

"Oookaaaay, Yoooo-feee. . .," said the woman, "tell me, why do you think you should come to this high school?"

"Because, I'm being forced against my will to rely on intelligence instead of instinct by mad, cultists expecting me to believe in only one god," Yuffie mumbled, exasperated.

"Excuse me?"

"Eeheheheheh. Because, um. . .I'm someone who likes to, er. . . 'attain great things with my own hands'," she said.

"Oh, a regular achiever, huh?" said the counselor. She nodded positively, "Good, good, it's always great to have motivation. So, how would your friends describe you?" said the counselor, writing a few things on her notepad.

Yuffie tapped the floor nervously with her toes. "My friends, eh? The ones I stole from, or the ones I'm plotting to?"

"Huh?" asked the counselor, confused.

"U-um. . .They'd say I'm. . .unpredictable with a great laugh?" Yuffie guessed. "Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk. . ."

"Okay. . .," nodded the counselor again, writing a few things. "Hmm, it's kind of rare we get so many students coming in at different years. . .So what are you expecting to get if you come to our school?"

"Materia. Preferably red," said Yuffie.

This time, the counselor just blinked.

"Oh, I mean. . .uh, great academic credentials!" Yuffie feigned, laughing. "And lots of friends! Did I mention I very amiable?"

_"Before I talk to you, maybe. . .,"_ said the little voice in her head.

"_Shut up! I HATE YOU!"_ Yuffie replied back to the little voice. _"Stupid conscience. . ."_

"I can tell," said the counselor, smiling. "What kind of hobbies do you have? Maybe some sports. . .?"

"Uh, I helped run my father's dojo. . .," said Yuffie.

_"More like, ditched out on it,"_ said her conscience. _"Do you wonder how your old man can handle it? He's not so young anymore, and with that BLOOD PRESSURE. . ."_

_"I'LL PRESSURE YOU, IF YOU DON'T KEEP QUIET. . .,"_ Yuffie thought back. "Oh, and um. . .I'm trained in martial arts and ninjitsu."

_"Even though you never paid attention in class, ESPECIALLY rope-escape class. You know, if Cloud hadn't saved you, you'd probably be a rape victim."_

_"YEAH, WELL IF I DIDN'T KNOW CLOUD, I PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN IN THE SITUATION, HUH! LEAVE ME ALOOOONE!"_ she whined. "Um, does tea ceremony and flower arrangement count?"

"Very Japanese, aren't you?" said the counselor in an encouraging voice, looking up from the clipboard, brushing some brown strands of hair from her face.

"Um, yes, Japanese. . .," replied Yuffie.

_"Liar,"_ said her conscience.

"Finally, what are some of your grades like? Any particular averages?"

"Aaahahah! A-student!" Yuffie said victoriously, with the "V- for victory!" sign.

_"CoughD-averagecough!"_ went the voice.

"Thank you," said the counselor. "That's all. Send your essay in the mail, and you'll get the notice whether or not you've been accepted. Have a good day!"

"Eheh! You, too!" said a very nervous Yuffie on the way out of the office.

"Sooo. . .," said Rachel, happy. "How well do you think you did?"

_"Terrible, you liar,"_ Yuffie's conscience grumbled.

"SHUT UP! I HATE YOU SO MUCH!" Yuffie screamed at Rachel, talking about her conscience, storming off.

". . .L-Lauraaaa. . . ," Rachel sobbed. "YUFFIE HAAATES MEEEEE. . . ."

"No. . .no. . .no. . .NOOOO. . .," said Tifa, rummaging through some newspapers over at Rachel's house, at the kitchen table.

"How's it goin'?" asked Chikara, low to the ground, head poking up next to Tifa, eyes just above the table. "Find an apartment yet?"

"Noooo. . .," said Tifa, flipping another page. "But that's because first things first. I need to get a job."

"A job?" asked Chikara, putting a multitude of little, cute figurines on the table, still only head above the table. "What do you think you'd be good at?"

"I think I'm qualified for just about anything," said Tifa. "I mean, considering I'm the one with the most sense out of all of you combined, no offense. . .What are you DOING!"

Chikara placed a chocobo plushie on the table and smiled. "Aiding your search!"

"With toys?"

"They'll put you in a better mood!" said Chikara. "Besides, aren't they CUUUUUUTE! Oh, I think I have something else to take care of. . .Yeah, my essay for school! See you later, Tifa!" Chikara stood up and ran off.

Tifa grumbled, and looked back down at the classifieds, but couldn't help notice the chocobo grinning dumbly back at her like Rachel would. ". . .What are YOU lookin' at?"

"WAHOO! I think that one's in the bag," said Cloud, walking away from the school office.

"What were you doing? There are NO women in there under thirty," said Rachel, leering at him conspicuously. "You have a thing for older women? Or in that case, just plain old women?"

"Nooooo. . . ," said Cloud, adjusting his tie, wearing a formal flannel shirt and black pants. "I just applied for a job."

". . .Teaching?" asked Rachel.

"Mmhmm. . .," said Cloud.

". . . .This doesn't have anything to do with stripper poles and lights, does it?" Rachel inquired.

Cloud blinked. ". . .Is that what you do in drama class?"

"NOOOOO!"

"Oh, because if so, I would've applied for that," said Cloud. "No, I applied to be math teacher."

"B-but. . .," said Rachel, teary eyed. "YOU CAN'T BE THE ENEMY!"

"Huh?"

"I HAAAAAAAATE MAAAAAAAAAAATH!" Rachel sobbed. "I would've loved you if you were an English teacher. . .b-but. . .but. . . NOOOOOOOOOO!" She grabbed onto Cloud's side. "AND YOU'RE SO HOT, TOO!"

Vincent came strolling from the opposite hall, some girls even trying to follow him. "Hello," he said, very formally. "I've come to apply."

"Yeah, we can see that. . .," said Rachel. ". . .But, you look like a Turk."

Vincent was standing in a black suit and tie, with a white shirt. "It's the only thing that suits me, really."

"Yeah," said Laura, giving the thumbs up. "You can see how round his ass is in that!"

The girls behind Vincent were fixated.

Vincent blushed and scowled. "H-HEY NOW, THERE CAN BE NO RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN A TEACHER AND A STUDENT, BEYOND THE RELATIONSHIP OF A TEACHER AND A STUDENT!"

"Whooda, whatta whatta?" asked Rachel, confused by that.

Mars sniffled. "Damn all-girls school. . .Hey, Con, am I old enough to teach?"

"No," Condrugon said flatly. "And if you call me 'Con' again, you'll be wearing your tongue as a necktie."

"Whatever you say, CONNIE. . .," Korus snickered. "You know, I'M old enough to teach here."

"Yeah, CONNIE. . .," said Mike, slapping him on the back. "Too bad you scare the daylights out of chicks with your face."

Condrugon was boiling. "THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME, ASS-FACE! YOU KNOW, I CAN ARRANGE TO FIXING THAT!" He reached around for his sword, realizing it wasn't with him. "Why did I have to disarm myself before coming?"

"Aww, because you're so sweet, Connie!" Korus said in a 'goo-goo' tone, pinching Condrugon's cheeks.

"HIIIISSSS!" Condrugon bit his hand.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" Korus yelped, sobbing. "HE BIT ME! HE BIT ME! ANYONE SEE THIS! HE'S BITING ME! AW, ()(!"

The staff looked out of there offices and stared.

Condrugon let go and coughed. "It's his fault."

"Huh!" asked Korus. "N-NOOOOO!"

"AHHHHHHHHHH!" Chikara screamed, seeing the charred cinders and black spot to where the chocobo doll was. "WHAT HAPPENED!"

"He looked at me funny," Tifa growled. "Like. . .LIKE THE IDIOT GIRL. . ."

Chikara sobbed. "BUT YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO KILL HIM!"

"YES! YES I DID!" Tifa protested, then had a bit of deranged look on her face. "It's, it's like. . .you can close your eyes and not see her, but you'll never get her STUPIDITY out of your head. . .," she said, covering her ears. "I had to destroy it! IT WAS JUST LIKE HER!"

"YOU OWE ME A CHOCOBOOOO!" Chikara kept sobbing. "AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE HER SO MUCH, JUST TELL HER THAT!"

Tifa looked back at Chikara with the most beguiled look. ". . .I've smacked her and hit her and kicked her to near death, and yet you've never noticed?"

Chikara sniffled and sprinkled the ashes. "I'll spread your ashes to the wind, Captain Boko!"

Tifa grumbled again. "I now understand how surrounded I am by these people. . ."

"Don't you people need credentials. . .?" asked Rachel, sitting around in the lobby, waiting for Vincent. "Like, when they hire you, you need paperwork. . .?"

"Dooon't worry!" said Cloud, giving a slightly reassuring, slightly dumb grin. "We have those in our endless item bags!"

Rachel was confused. "You mean. . .like when you have 99 phoenix downs, but they're all individual, but you STILL have room?"

"Yeah, kinda," said Cloud, fishing around in his pocket, then pulls out a tuft of golden-orange feathers. "Annoying how they all stick together, though. ANYWAY. . ." He started fishing around again, then neatly pulled out a picture frame.

"Eh?" asked Rachel, stunned.

"BEHOLD!" said Cloud, holding it up proudly. "MY MASTERS IN EDUCATION!"

"What were you teaching?" asked Rachel, blinkingly. "Was it really math? Or was it gym? Maybe strip dancing?"

"I wish. . .," Cloud grumbled. "But some other bastard got the job, not me."

There was an awkward silence for a minute or so.

". . . .Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight," said Rachel. "I can't believe you really PASSED something in school. I thought maybe the fumes from your hair gel did something to you."

"Ha, ha, very funny. . .," said he, sticking the frame back in his pocket. "Hmmm. . ."

"What?" Rachel asked.

"I can't find my wallet."

Rachel promptly fell over. "Owwww. . .Oh, hihi V-kun!" She waved to Vincent, who just got out of his interview.

"V-kun. . .?" he asked, puzzled. "Anyway. . .," he said, "I think we're all done, here."

"Oh, really?" said Rachel. "I think there's something left."

"Like what?"

"That." Rachel pointed to the girls of their normal group.

Vincent stood for a moment, then blinked. "What about that?"

"They're all applying for this school," said Rachel.

". . . .What?" asked Vincent.

"Yeah, they're all applying."

". . . .What?" he asked again, in disbelief.

"THEY ARE ALL APPLYIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!" Rachel shouted.

"SHHH!" Random faculty stuck their heads out of their rooms and hissed.

"SAVE ME!" shouted Korus, from one of them. "THEY'RE MAKING ME DO SUMMER SCHOOL!"

The door slammed shut and silenced him.

The entire group stood wide-eyed. ". . .Whoa."

"There goes a brave man. . .," Mars sniffled. "Stole more panties than all of us combined. . ."

"AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH. . .," Condrugon grumbled. "Can we go now?"

Konoshi wandered out of the counselor's office, and sat down next to Rachel.

"Helloooo. . .," said Rachel.

Konoshi looked like she was in a state of withdrawal.

"Huh?" Rachel asked. "Hello?"

"All. . .all-girls school?" she asked, her voice cracking. "How can this be!"

"Hey, hey, don't worry 'bout that. . .," said Rachel, waving her hands in front of Konoshi's face. "If Vincent is hired, you get to stare at him for 75-minutes every other day. Or really, you could do that any time you want because of your stalker-ish tendencies."

She sniffed. "I know. . .But. . .THE LACK OF TESTOSTERONE!"

"There'll also be CLOUD."

Konoshi sat there in silence for a moment. ". . . . . . .LACK OF TESTOSTERONE!"

Cloud sort of just rolled his eyes and scowled.

"Okay then, um. . .you're screwed?" said Rachel.

"I'm a virgin. . .," said Konoshi, then glared. "Tell nobody that."

Mars did a characteristic shuffling over. "Ahem. . .I can fix that."

Konoshi then leered up. "LACK OF TESTOSTERONE!"

It was Mars' turn to roll his eyes and scowl. "Well. . .you wouldn't say that if you saw it yourself."

Rachel was very wide-eyed. "CAN I SEE!"

Vincent and Cloud looked incredulously at her. "What!"

"Sorry," said Rachel, sniffling. "Sex Ed class was the only class I managed to stay awake in. Call it something like a second nature to be curious about. Hey, I AM a teenage virgin, ya' know."

Mars shuffled over again. ". . . . I can fix that."

CLUNK!

"No you don't. . ." said Mike, pulling Mars' unconscious carcass away with Condrugon. "Seducing the virgins is MY job."

"And, I get them after you," said Condrugon.

". . ." Again, Rachel was silent. ". . . .Hey, Steve. Want sex?" she asked.

"E-eh!" asked Steve. "W-why!"

"Ahahahahaha. . .You turn RED!" Rachel laughed. "Yeah, you can go now, I wouldn't have sex with you." Then Rachel got depressed again. "BUT NOBODY WOULD HAVE SEX WITH ME!"

"Hellooooooooooooo. . . ," said Kiro, snuggling up to her out of nowhere.

"Oh, I forgot something. . .," Rachel sighed. "Kiro's applying, too."

"Great," said Konoshi. "No girl is safe."

"Hey, no male teacher, either," said Kiro. ". . .As long as they're not OLD. Ewwwwww. . ."

By the time everyone got home, it was 5 o'clock, and Tifa was sobbing into the classifieds.

"WHYYYYYYYYY!" she cried. "WHYYYY!"

"Why what?" asked Sky. "Oh, I know! She has newspaper ink all over her face!"

Everyone nodded.

". . . .WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" Tifa shouted all over again. "I need a job."

"THEN. . .," said Cloud, "you should've COME with us!"

Rachel laughed nervously. "Cloud, I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want to re-institute corporal punishment in the school systems."

"But, I don't want to be a teacher. . .," said Tifa. "And after that, I need an apartment, too. I think it was much easier when I had my HOUSE, which paid off the MORTGAGE, and the TOWN where we could all live with EASE. . ."

"Hey, it's not my fault we all got sucked into another dimension where taxes are high, morality is low, and not only is the president stupid, but certainly NOT hot like Rufus," sighed Rachel.

"Vote Rufus in '08," he said, sitting down at the table. "I think I'll uphold the goal of high standards in education. . .Remember children! Stay and school! Knowledge is power! Power corrupts! Be evil, like Rufus!"

"Yaaaay! I'll vote for you, Ruffy!" shouted Keily, grabbing onto his coat again.

"Ew. I have cooties," Rufus grumbled.

"That's not nice. . ."

"You know, it's awfully nice of Kiako to make these fake records for us. . .," said Christina, on the couch, playing with her supposed, "medical information", "DOB papers", and "social security". ". . .Won't we eventually need real ones?"

"We don't have time for that. . .," Tifa sighed. "We need to establish lives that never existed in this world JUST to live here. . ."

The front door opened and shut.

It was Rachel's brother, who saw the massive crowd around the table. ". . .I need to get used to this," he blinked. "I'll go now." He trudged up the stairs, heavily.

". . .I forget that Rachel's family lives here," said Tifa. "I must be used to my own house. DO YOU HERE ME, RACHEL! _MY_ HOUSE! MINE!"

"IT'S NOT MY FAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUULT!"

After another uncomfortable night in a packed house. . .

"RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!" shouted Rachel, trying to slide past people in the bathroom. "THIS HOUSE HAS THREE BATHROOMS! WHY IS EVERYONE IN MINE!"

"Beshus ish conveenent," said Kiako, brushing her teeth, then spitting. "Very convenient you have spare toothbrushes in the cabinet."

"Although. . .," said Christina, sticking her head out of the shower. "It's very morally degrading to have to SHARE a shower. . ."

"Not really," said Mike, sticking out his head, too.

"That's because you're ENJOYING it. . .," she sighed. "Turn around, I'll scrub your back."

"Share showers are FUN," he said, then stuck his head back inside.

"Wow. That's one thing I don't like waking up to," said Rachel, groggy.

Mars walked past in his boxers.

". . .And THERE'S the second," said Rachel.

"Hey, you know you want me!" said Mars.

"Riiiight. . .I'm just trying to get my uniform on! MOOOOVE!" She plowed everyone out.

"AAAAAACK!" screamed Christina, scrambling to find a towel. "TOWEL! NAKEDNESS! INDECENCY!"

"HOT," said Korus, with a thumb's up.

"Yes. Indeed," said Sky, looking at Mike, who had yet to find a towel.

Rachel ran back out, fully dressed in the uniform which consisted of a white dress shirt, black sweater, and plaid skirt. "This makes me look like on of those Love Hina girls when they dressed up like school girls in that one picture. . .," Rachel grumbled. "But, with a sweater."

". . .You look like Laura," said Korus, blinking.

Rachel's hair was down. "OH, FINE! YOU GUYS SUCK! I NEVER GET TO HAVE A COOL COSTUME CHANGE WITHOUT LOOKING LIKE SOMEONE ELSE! AND MIKE! PUT ON SOME PANTS!"

"I was gonna say you had TIFA hair. . .Or, the front, at least," said Kiako. "Anyway. . .CHARGE!" Now, they plowed back into the bathroom, running Rachel over.

"O-owie. . ."

To the car. . .

"You know, it's definitely going to be fun having to drive you people everyday. . .," said Vincent, cramped over with four people up front, and a random assortment in the back, the car being a mid-size Saturn. ". . .Isn't that the winter uniform?"

"We spent forever in the summer, you know," said Rachel. "Time flies when you're having fun. . ." There was a snap. "OW, MY SPINE. . . ."

"Is that why we're automatically accepted as long as we have the right credentials?" asked Nyow. "And. . .I have a bad feeling about going to this high school. . ."

"Why? Is it that whole, 'dear God it's an all-girls high school, so creepy men will only be around' deal?" Rachel asked. "Is that the only thing people worry about? A lack of the opposite sex will lead to a lack OF sex?"

Nyow gave her a very skeptical look.

"Okay, okay, perhaps the only reason I don't have a boyfriend now is because I go to an all-girls school, and that greatly decreases my chances of shacking up," Rachel admitted.

"Or, it could be because you're weird," said Cloud, squeezed with his knees to his chest in the front.

"You know, sometimes your hotness doesn't keep my anger at bay," Rachel sighed. ". . .AAAAAHAHAHAHA! Okay, that's a lie. Keep on talkin' stud muffin."

Everyone sighed.

"Yes, well. . .," said Cloud, "just that, maybe that's why you don't have a boyfriend."

Rachel sat there and plotted. ". . .What if I had a snare?"

"What?" Cloud asked.

"A snare."

"What good'll that do?"

"Well. . .," she continued, ". . .if I had a snare, there'd be a pretty good chance I either get a guy, or maybe a pet if an animal walks in it. And, maybe both."

The rest of the car ride was silent.

Into the estrogen jungle. . .

"So. . . .," said Christina, seeing her locker. ". . .this is it? I'm assigned a locker?"

"Yep!" said Rachel, smilingly. "You can keep your belongings and most personal items in this combination-locked cell of solitude!"

". . ." Christina was silent. ". . .So, it's my locker. This rusty tin-can that the faculty may break into if they suspect I have 'illicit' materials in."

". . .Yeah that, too," said Rachel, calmed down. "Yep. That's it. Enjoy."

Christina glared at the barfish color. "I'm jumping for joy. . ."

"Don't be so sad about the color. . .," Rachel said. "You can put wrapping paper over it. That's kinda like a tradition here, when you have a friend or something willing to put up with that crap. But, if you doooon't. . .The color certainly suits your personality. AHHHH!"

Christina jumped Rachel. "WHAT DIDJA SAY!"

Cloud was watching with wide eyes, and a traditional bag of popcorn. "Dude, Vincent. . .WATCH," he said.

Vincent was staring. "Cloud, we should REALLY stop this. . ."

"AHHH!" Rachel screamed. "NOT MY FACE! IT'S UNATTRACTIVE AS IT STANDS!"

"It's pretty hot. . .," Cloud continued. "but it's still creepy to think that one's my daughter. . .By the way, I bet ten bucks on her."

Vincent sighed and broke the two apart. "NO fighting in schools, ladies. . .If you want to fight, let Tifa moderate it."

"OOH! I WILL!" said Lucrecia, popping up out of nowhere.

"AHHH! DAMMIT, LUCRECIA!" shouted Cloud, surprised. ". . .Hey, what are you doing here?"

"Me? I'm the new biology, chemistry, and physics teacher. Mainly bio. . .but I sub for others," she said. "Isn't it great?" She had a huge smile on.

"Errrrr. . . .," said everyone else.

"Do I really belong in high school?" asked Chikara. "Aren't I a little young?"

Rachel blew that right off. "YOUNG! PFFFT NAWWW! And even if you arrre. . ."

Everyone ganged up. "IF WE SUFFER, YOU MUST SUFFER, TOO!"

Chikara was wide-eyed, and cowered. "Meep."

"Anyway, I have a computer class!" said Kiako, skipping off. "First, I'll hack into the system and remove all the firewalls. . ."

". . .I wonder about that child," said Holly. "Anyway Jessie, we have World Cultures."

"Yippee skip," Jessie muttered. "Is it lunch yet?"

"NO!"

"Yep!" said Rachel. "I have. . .Religion." She suddenly looked very depressed. "Religion class is for communists."

Vincent blinked. "But in communism, don't you-

"COMMUNISTS. . . .," Rachel grumbled again.

"Riiiight," said Vincent. "Well, I'm off." Vincent went up the left stairway, of the dulled tile floor, aluminum sided handrails, through the white painted hallways to his upstairs classroom.

"Heheh. Yeah me, too," said Cloud. He went marching, until he was stopped by a teacher.

The woman stood in a two-piece business suit and must have been forty.

Rachel didn't know her, considering she doesn't even know half the staff. Too many classes, too many teachers. Sad, huh?

"Excuse me. . .," said the woman. "Concerning you, you were not hired as a full time teacher," she said.

"Eh?" asked Cloud, surprised and hunched over, nearly dropping his suitcase. "What now?"

"Yes. . .," said the woman. "You're a SUBSTITUTE."

"Aw, poor Cloudy-kun," said Rachel, putting on a band-aid on her arm, over a bite mark. "Learning won't be the same without you. . . .If learning had you in it."

"Gee. Thanks," he sighed.

"Here you go," said the woman, handing him a list. "There's your schedule, and don't worry about your paycheck. It's the same as a regular teacher's salary, just that you might not have a job every day." She smiled politely, and walked back to her office down the hall.

". . . . .Hah," said Vincent.

"What?" asked Cloud.

"I'm smarter than you, 'cause I got a job," he said.

"Vincent, if you don't shut up now, my buster sword with bust itself up your-

"See you at lunch. . .," said Vincent, walking up the stairs.

First period, Introduction to Physical Science. . .

"Yep yep, welcome to the new school year, blah blah blah. . .," Rachel yawned, sitting at the elongated science lab desk. Each desk was a lengthy table that sat about six, facing the front to the blackboard, and having the same number of gas nozzles for experiments. Most of the time, you'd expect from Rachel's delayed reaction time that she was playing with these. Well, not exactly. It's just that everyone else does, and she gets to smell it, anyway. "Ewww, I smell gas, and. . .and. . .everything's wooooozy. . ."

"Hey, ya' know what?" asked a classmate, leaning over to Rachel, who was hunched over at her desk. "They hired a bunch of new teachers this year."

"Yeah, I can understand why," said Rachel. "The old teachers quit because you'd have to be out of your mind to teach here."

"HELLOOOO, STUDENTS!" Lucrecia exclaimed, bustling into the lab room. "I'm your APS teacher!"

"IPS!" the class corrected.

"Riiiiiight. . .," Lucrecia continued, setting down a stack of paper she carried in. "I was just checking on the bio experiments in the other lab room, and oh, I forgot to introduce myself! I'm Professor Lucrecia!"

A curious student raised her hand.

"Hm? Yes?" Lucrecia asked.

"What's your first name?" asked the student.

"That is my first name," said Lucrecia.

"Then. . .what's your second name?" the student asked.

". . . . .Your guess is as good as mine," said Lucrecia, blinking cluelessly.

The class was both silent and bewildered.

"Well, you were right. . .," said the student speaking to Rachel. "She certainly IS out of her mind. . ."

"Oh, hello there, Rachel! Haven't seen you since you pummeled my daughter this morning! Nice right hook!" Lucrecia congratulated. "Seems you took the most damage, though. I can see aiming isn't a strong suit."

The class decided to stare at Rachel now.

Rachel was extremely self-conscious by now. "Lucrecia, uh, the LESSON. . ."

"Oh! Right!" Lucrecia remembered. "Yes! To the PMS lesson!"

"IPS!" the class corrected again.

"UPS?"

"IPS!"

"IMS?"

"IPS!"  
"OHHHH! IRS!" said Lucrecia, finally after the class had given up. "Yes, well, today's lesson will be a little brush up of last year. You had. . .?"

"Biology is for freshman, so since we're sophomores, it's _IPS_. . .," Rachel said with emphasis, "or chemistry if you're advanced."

"Right-o," said Lucrecia, flipping open the biology textbook from last year. "Okay, so let's do some basic points before the lesson, all right? . . .Hello?"

The girls in the back of the class were focused on something a little more interesting that IPS. . .

"Lucrecia, I can't seem to find my classroom. . .," said Vincent, poking his head in the doorway.

"Lord, have mercy on this high school. . .," Rachel grumbled.

There were a number of whispers going around the classroom, ranging from, "Look at his hair!", "Look at his face!", and "Look at his ASS!" (predominantly the latter), but it definitely didn't give one a good feeling about his new job here.

"It's room 213," she said.

"Oh! Just go straight in the opposite direction on your left," said Lurecia. "Bye, Vincent!" She blew a playful kiss and winked. "Just kidding."

Vincent smirked and waved, leaving down the hall.

The girls stonily turned back towards Lucrecia. ". . . . .Is that your. . .BOYFRIEND!"

"Yeah, well, he once was. . .," Lucrecia sighed. "Hormones and whatnot. . .Even though, I WAS 25. . ."

"How old are you now?" asked a girl, with a few snickers accompanying.

Rachel knew this question was a very deadly one.

"I'm about forty to mid-fifties. Hard to keep time in a stasis chamber. But I still look like I'm-

Rachel made a cut-throat motion with her hand. "EX-NAY ON THE TORY-SAY. . ."

"Say what in the whoozat?" asked Lucrecia. "Oh well, I'm 26."

The class was again confused and silent.

"Okay! Back on target!" Lucrecia exclaimed, excited to start class.

Second period, Religion class. . .

"Excuse me, I think I'm going to die now," Rachel sobbed, now in the religion room.

"It's all right. . .," said Nyow. "Last class wasn't weird. . .For Lucrecia, anyway. Nothing else will go wrong."

"RACHIE!" Kiro sprang in from the hallway. "GUESS WHAT! I'M A JUNIOR! I AM YOUR SUPERIOR!"

"Kiro, this is an all-girls school. We lack large amounts of testosterone, and thus there is no "superiority" among students. Next of all, WHAT THE HELL, AND LEMME GO!" Rachel sobbed.

"Silly!" said Kiro. "There's ALWAYS superiority. . ." The she began stroking Rachel's neck. "IN THE BEDROOM. . ."

"OKAY! OKAY! GET AWAY!" Rachel said finally. ". . .Don't you have a class?"

". . .Dammit," Kiro grumbled. "I have chemistry."

"Good luck with THAT one. . .," said Rachel.

"Huh? Why?" asked Kiro, confused.

"No reason!" said Rachel. "Go! Scoot!" She escorted Kiro out the door. "Don't be a stranger! Okay! Yeah! Bye-bye! Uuuuugh. . .," Rachel sighed, back into her seat. "Is the day over, yet?"

There was a light tap of shoes on the floor of the religion room, followed by a black briefcase, pants, coat, and tie, only contrasting with his white shirt. "Hello, class," Vincent said, pleasantly enough as he could. "I am your new religion teacher, Mr. Valentine."

The girls' mouth dropped open. Some, almost drooled.

"LORD, HELP US. . .," Rachel grumbled again.

"Ah, good work, Rachel," said Vincent, overhearing her. "Yes! Pray to the Lord to forgive your sins!" The room went dark and there was this singular beam of light from the ceiling projected on him. "PRAY FOR THE ABSOLUTION OF YOUR SOUL! ONLY GOD MAY FORGIVE YOUR SINS AND PREVENT THE FIRES OF HELL LICKING AT YOUR VERY SPIRIT AND BURNING YOUR SOUUUUUUUL! REPENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNT! . . .Who turned off the lights?" he asked.

Somebody tripped over the light switches on the wall. And the light? There's a sunroof in the ceiling there. Weird? Yeah, I know, but there is one.

"Sorry. . .," a girl apologized, getting back to her seat. "I miss something?"

"No, not really," said Vincent, continuing to be pleasant after that little candid moment. "Remember girls! God loves everybody! . . .Except maybe you," he said, pointing at Rachel.

"Me!" asked Rachel, in a tight, scared voice.

"No, God loves you. . .," said Vincent. "So, the religion department has given me my list of topics to cover this year. . .Anyone want to help me pick?"

"What is there to choose from?" someone asked.

"Okaaay. . .," said Vincent, browsing the list. "We have the option to do some bible study and passages. . .or, we could cover lessons of "life", "judgment and decision-making", "love-

"YES! THAT ONE!" a girl exclaimed. She turned pink. "Uh-mmm. . .Sorry. . ."

"No, no. . .," said Vincent, understandably. "That ought to be an EXCELLENT topic for teenagers now. How you should include God in decisions like premarital sex and morals along those lines."

"Nyess, nyess it ought to be. . .," said one girl in a droning voice.

Only now was it that Rachel noticed that half the class propped up on their elbows, staring fixatedly at him, with some smiles even dumber than hers. "Dear God. . ."

"Right," said Vincent, continuing with the lesson. "Tell me, how do you think of love. Yes?" he asked, pointing to a student.

"Well," she said, "it should be with somebody you not only find attractive, but. . .has a nice personality."

"Good," he said, nodding. "And you?"

Another girl spoke. "He should have a good ass, Mr. Valentine!"

The class chuckled, but some were still staring.

"Eheheh. Yes, a nice ass might just help. . .," he said, for a moment picturing Laura's. "Ahem! Well, uh, one last comment?"

"Enjoy long walks on the beach!" someone called out.

"Like animals!"

"Vegetarian!"

"All right, all right, I see. . .," he said, conclusively.

"What do YOU think of love?" asked an enamored girl.

"Um. . .," he said, blushing a little. "Love comes in a lot of different ways. . ."

"Like with the SCIENCE TEACHER. . .," someone barely audibly muttered.

"But," he continued, "if it's the kind of love we're talking about this lesson, I'd say that. . .First of all, when you fall in love with someone, it may feel as if you'd do anything for this person. Just one thing."

"Yes?" a few scattered people went.

"You shouldn't have to give up a part of yourself to do so. Be yourself. Got me? And if you don't want to upset them about their own opinions and you change your answer to make them happy, well then they're either not the person for you if this is a belief you hold strongly, or that you really did sell yourself short."

"So then, Mr. Valentine. . .," said Rachel, getting a jump into this. "If you're such a 'dating master', what do you have to say about older boyfriends? I mean. . .considering SO many girls have a boyfriend a year or so older. . ."

He scowled at her, but knew he had the answer the question, because so many girls nodded. "Age shouldn't even be considered a factor. If age is something that bothers you, fine. Pick someone your own age and be done with it. But if you like someone older or younger, that's your own opinion. There's no real right or wrong with this, just your opinion. Does THAT answer your question, Ms. Distler?"

"Hmph," Rachel grumbled. "Okay, then what if there's a really BIG gap? You don't want statutory rape, now do you?"

Vincent grumbled at that. "Next idea here. Statutory rape can even happen between a seventeen year old and an eighteen year old, BUT. . .in the case of a large gap, say if you're younger, don't be mislead by older guys. And RESPECTFUL older guys will respect you. If there's no respect, you've got a problem, but remember Rachel, statutory rape only happens with SEX. No sex, or at least not yet," he insinuated in his answer about Laura. "Happy?"

"Very," said Rachel, satisfied. "No touchy-touchy, Vampy man."

Now, NOOOOOBODY could find the train of thought in that statement.

"Riiiight. . .One last question? Anyone?"

"You dating anyone, Mr. Valentine. . . .?" asked a girl in a dreamy voice.

"Mr. Valentine, is that your real last name, or what your girlfriends nicknamed you. . .?"

"WILL _YOU_ BE MY VALENTINE!"

"This is gonna be one tough class. . .," he sighed.

Lunch time!

"Ah. Lunch," said Rachel, sitting down at her usual spot at the back of the cafeteria.

Her friend, Angela, was already sitting down. "Rachel?" she sniffled. "Do you have. . .A DOLLAR!"

"Uhhh. . .," said Rachel. "Happy first full day of school to you, too. And no, I do not have a-

"What's this?" asked Yuffie, holding up a dollar. "It has a funny picture on it. And it's GREEN. Plus, the guy on it isn't even hot."

"Yuffie? This isn't your lunch period. . .," said Rachel.

"Free period for me," said Yuffie. "What is it?"

"It's MONEY, Yuffie. . .," said Rachel. ". . .Wait, if you don't know what it is, why do you have it?"

"Stole it from the people next to us."

The table was in an uproar. "WHERE IS ALL OUR MONEY!"

"See?" asked Yuffie, holding up a fistful of money. "There's LOTS of this funny paper stuff."

Rachel groaned and sighed. "Yuffie? Just give Angela a dollar. . ."

"Huh? Okeedokee," she said, handing Rachel's blonde friend a dollar. "Enjoy!"

"YAAAAY!" shouted Angela, hugging Yuffie. ". . .My my, you look awfully familiar. Yuffie? Like, the GAME Yuffie!"

"Noooo, noooo. . .," said Rachel. "NOT like the game Yuffie."

"But, she looks just like-

"NOT like the game Yuffie. . .," Rachel repeated.

". . .The movie Yuffie?"

"NO. Forget it," Rachel sighed. "You know, it's really tough knowing famous people."

"What makes you say that?" asked Angela.

"No reason."

". . .You're strange," said Angela. "Cute, but strange."

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, MINE!"

"OW!" Rachel was bowled over, and realized something. ". . .Kiro, when she says 'cute', she doesn't mean that in a sexual manner."

"SHE BETTER NOT. . .," said Kiro, still on the ground with Rachel.

". . .Kiro, this looks terribly wrong," said Rachel. "Perhaps you could. . . .GET OFF!"

"Temper, temper. . .," said Kiro, wagging a finger in Rachel's face she they both stood up. "But, you're sexy when you're mad."

" . . . . . . .Kiro, you're a junior, so-

"I have a free now, too!" said Kiro. "I'm gonna sit next to ya'!"  
"Sorry. No can do. We have a seating chart," said Rachel.

Kiro stared. ". . .This is one freaky school."

"NO, we always sit in our same spots, and become homicidal when we do not have that spot," Rachel stated. "Now, begone and-

"OOH, THAT SPOT NEXT TO RACHEL IS OPEN!" said Angela, coming back with her food from the Canteen. "But first. . .do you like. . .ANIME?"  
"Yup," said Kiro.

"OKAY, YOU SIT!" said Angela, enthusiastically.

Rachel pulled her over to the side. ". . .Angela?"

"Yes, Rachel?"

"I hate you."

At Rachel's house. . .

"AHAHAHAHA!" Tifa cackled. "I DID IT!"  
Mars' voice called from upstairs. "What?"

"I FOUND A JOB!" Tifa triumphantly hung up the phone.

"Are you a stripper? I'll visit you!" he shouted.

". . . .No," said Tifa. "I work at another dojo now. I just need to show my credentials and I get paid thirty dollars an hour. Not bad, huh?"

". . .Do I get to watch you stretch?" Mars asked curiously.

"No."

"Oh, FINE your meanness."

Some tall, short-haired girl hopped down the steps in a school uniform, coughed like she had a cold, and in a very feminine voice asked, "What do you think?"

". . . .Eh!" asked Tifa, not understanding what's going on. "WHO ARE YOU!"

The girl mussed up her hair, added on a red bandanna, and coughed again, straightening up. "It's me. Mars," he said in his normal voice. "I'm gonna sneak into the girls' locker room even if it KILLS me."

"Oh, it won't kill you," said Tifa, like nothing happened.

"You think?" asked Mars, with tears of hope in his eyes.

"Naaaah. . .," said Tifa. "_I_ WILL IF YOU DON'T TAKE THAT OFF RIGHT NOW!"  
Mars smiled. "Strip, huh? I KNEW you wanted me."

"HIT ON ME WITHOUT THE SKIRT! Ugh, that's so creepy. . .," said Tifa, shuddering. "GO! GO!"

Mars slumped and trudged up the stairs again. "FINE. . .BUT CONQUEST WILL BE MINE!"

"GO!"

"Doesn't the black sweater bring out my eyes, though?"

"GOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Waaah. . ."

There was this uneasy silence from Rachel at the lunch table.

But, Christina was doing just fine.

"DAMN YOU!" said Angela, picking at Christina's hair. "NOBODY IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE PRETTIER HAIR THAN I DO!"

"Eheheheheheh. . ." Christina was nervously laughing, trying to be polite. "You're Rachel's friends? I somehow pictured something a little more. . .Barbaric, really."

Angela stopped picking at Christina's hair. ". . .Ahem."

"Riiiight. . .," said Christina. "Anyway, who are all of you?"

"THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT. . .," said Rachel, trying to usher her away from the table. "What IS important is that you get your OWN set of friends. All righty? Good."

"HEYYY, STOP SHOVING!"

"THEN START MOVING!"

"WHY YOU LITTLE-

Again, they jumped into a fight.

"Oh dear," said Corinne, Rachel's friend, standing only slightly taller than Yuffie, which STILL wasn't very good. "I think she's lost it again. Can I annoy what's left of her?"

"Eh. Sure," said Kelsey, blonde and even shorter than Corinne, shrugging.

Cloud again strolled over, with some popcorn he bought from a vending machine. ". . .That's still kinda hot."

Vincent growled and pulled them both up. "WHAT are you doing!"

"Bleeding. . .," said Rachel.

"Winning. . .," Christina grumbled.

"Cloud, is THIS how you raise your daughter? Cloud?" asked Vincent.

"RIGHT punch! RIGHT! Keep up your guard!" said Cloud enthusiastically, coaching his daughter.

"Yes, I agree! You need a little help there," said Lucrecia.

". . . .That leaves me with one thing left to do," sighed Vincent. ". . .Rachel, you need to dodge more, and try putting her into a headlock."

"Gotcha," nodded Rachel. "I was also thinking about just letting Corinne sic her."

"HEYYYYYYYYYY!" Corinne whined. "I only do that to you. Poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke, poke. . ." Suddenly, Corinne went into this extreme poking rampage.

Rachel, stood sobbing, bleeding, slumped over, and bruised. "Welcome, to the story of my life."

Back with Tifa. . .

Tifa sat in the office of a nearby karate dojo, sitting in front of a man who looked pleasant enough to work with, the owner of the place.

"Sorry, I wasn't able to change into something, er. . .nicer," said Tifa, remarking about her normal attire. "I guess it's not something somebody would show up to for a job offer."

"That's all right. You didn't need to be very formal," he said, sitting.

Tifa looked around. It was full of awards, pictures, and behind him, he had a set of Japanese swords in a black case with red/purple designs, and shifted a little, feeling self-conscious.

"Anyway. . .," he said, moving off the subject. "I'll just start with some basic information. What's your name, first of all?"

Tifa laughed a little and so did he, after realizing the lack of introductions. "I'm Tifa Lockheart."

He started laughing a little more. "Really, now? I mean, seriously."

"Uhhhhhhh. . . .I AM Tifa Lockheart. . .," she said, a little freaked out.

". . .Honestly?" he asked, puzzled. "But, I thought that was only a character from-

She pulled out a birth certificate, with her name on it out of a portfolio. "Yes, I'm Tifa Lockheart," she sighed.

". . .Oh."

In Gym Class. . .

"EYAHAHAHAAA!" Cid said. "I can't believe these people would hire a MALE gym teacher in an all girls' school!"

"Ciiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid!" Rachel cried. "GET OUT OF THE LOCKER ROOM!"

A group of scared/weirded out girls were giving him looks.

". . .Oh. Yeah," said Cid, blinking. ". . . . ."

Rachel stood there. ". . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .GET OUT!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The girl mob angrily shoved him out, and started opening their lockers to change. "CAN I HAVE A PICTURE!" He went without reply. ". . . .Damn."

"Ewwww, that man is CREEPY. . .," said Mary, putting some black sweatpants on. ". . .And kinda familiar. Why was he hired!"  
"Well. . .," said Rachel. "I'm guessing since we have male COACHES. . ."

"Ah. . .," Mary replied. ". . .He smells like smoke. Can he REALLY be a coach?"

"MEH!" shrugged Rachel, Christina, and Keily.

". . .Why am I here?" asked Keily. "I already graduated high school."

". . . . .MEH!" Rachel and Christina shrugged.

"ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY!" Cid announced, in gray sweatpants, a white t-shirt, and a whistle around his neck, wearing his traditional goggles, and disregarding the smoke-free campus rule by blatantly accessorizing his smokes. "WHO'S LEADING THE STRETCHING!"

Everyone was too scared by the crazy blonde man to respond.

". . . .RACHEL! CHRISTINA! MOVE YOUR LAZY ASSES!" he bellowed.

"Oooooooooooh, the teacher said 'asses'. . .," echoed the class.

He glared. "What! None of you say the same shit! What are you, kindergarten kids! Must I hold your hands!" He held onto two random girls' hands, until they scowled and elbowed him in the stomach and walked off. ". . .Ow. . .MOVE IT!"

Rachel and Christina briefly glanced at each other, shrugged, and started stretching out their arms behind their head, while the rest followed.

"One, two, three, four. . .," Rachel counted.

Cid sighed and watched. "Yep. Piece o' cake. Can't believe people actually get PAID for this."

Then, as for leg stretches, they all bent over to a running position to stretch.

Cid stared at the young flesh. "These are indeed the rewards of Catholic education. . .," he drooled.

After sealing the deal. . .

"Doot, duh dum, doo, dum. . ." Tifa was humming to herself while she walked down the street, reading a copy of the contract she had signed for her job.

"BEEP, BEEEEEP!" A car that ran by started to honk at her, when a guy stuck his head out the window.

"HEY THERE, GIMME A CALL SOMETIME!" he shouted, tossing his number out the window. "SEE YA' LATER, BABY!"

Tifa blinked. After that, she looked around at a few other people around her.

Many more than half were staring.

She grumbled. "I don't like this dimension. . ."

Off to gym class. . .

"That's right, ladies!" Cid yelled, in the middle of the gymnasium floor. "We're playing basketball today! Get into two groups of five, everyone else is a substitute, got it!"

"B-basketball!" asked Rachel, sobbing. "I'M TERRIBLE AT BASKETBALL!"

Christina stood and thought. "Basketball. . .basketball. . .I've heard of it, but I've never seen it before, other than in books mom showed me."

"Well, sheltered, freakishly moody child, you shall see the pain and horror that is basketball," said Rachel.

"I am NOT moody!" said Christina. "NEXT of all, the pain and horror you speak of must only be from a LACK OF PHYSICAL FITNESS. I can hear your arteries screaming."

"RAAAARGH!"

"WAAAAUGH!"  
You guessed it. Another catfight.

"HEY! HEY!" shouted Cid. "I SAID WE'RE DOIN' BASKETBALL, NOT WRESTLING!"

The two were tearing at each others' clothes and hair, flipping each other over, straddling as they fought.

". . . . . . . . . .Call the computer lab. I need video equipment," said Cid, simply watching. "The tape'll sell."

"CIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIID!" shouted Kiako. "STOP THE FIGHTING!" She made a very "come-hither" look with her eyes, batting them cutely. "Pwease, Ciddy-pie?"

"After that display, no," he concluded. "You're a technical genius! GET THE CAMERA!"

"WAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"STOPPIT! STOPPIT! STOP IT ALL!" Keily yelled.

Everyone sat still.

She coughed. "Ahem. Thank you."

"You're welcome!" they shouted, before jumping back into a frenzy.

"HEY! HEY! HEYYYYYY!" she yelled again. "STOP IT OR I'LL NOTIFY TIFA!"

A very bloodied and beaten Rachel jumped up and stood up straight and stiffly, looking very, VERY afraid. "YES, MADAM CAPTAIN! ALL IS RIGHT IN THIS SECTOR!" she yelled, saluting.

A very similar looking Christina brushed herself off, trying to stem the bleeding from a bite in her arm. "Ouch. Got a band-aid?"

"Phew," Keily sighed. "That's better."

"Damn. I was gonna make more money off that tape than this job. . .," Cid mumbled. "All right, dammit! Let's play some basketball!"

Math class. . .

Konoshi sat impatiently at her desk, feeling a tad self-conscious, regarding her hair.

Everyone was staring at it.

"You know. . .," someone said. "You can't color your hair that at this school."

"What?" she asked. "This is natural."

The class blinked. ". . . .RIIIIIIIGHT. . ."

"Nooo! REALLY!" said Konoshi. "I CAN PROVE IT! . . .And I would too, but I don't swing that way."

Some people were confused; others just blushed and became freaked out.

"Hellooooo, my students!" said Cloud, stepping into the class, schedule in hand. "I'm your teacher, Mr. Strife! Who here like pre-calculus?"

Nobody raised their hands.

"Yeah, me neither," he sighed. "But hey, I was never any good at English. Oh, hello Konoshi."

"HELLO, CLOUD!" she waved happily.

The class was a little confused.

"You were the first one I noticed," he smiled.

"Reaaally?" she asked.

"Of course! Your silver and pink hair makes you stick out like a sore, freakish thumb!" he laughed, cluelessly and tactlessly as ever.

"Gee. Thanks," she grumbled.

"Anyhoo. . .," he continued, "I hope we can all get along! . . .Considering I'm only a substitute. Math can be fun, when applied properly."

Konoshi raised her hand.

"Yes?" asked Cloud.

"Mr. Strife, when in real-life will I use pre-calc?"

He blinked. ". . . .In real life, there is no such thing as algebra. So, never."

"Yaaaay. . .," everyone grumbled.

Getting sweaty with your teacher. . .

Rachel sobbed. "I hurt. . ."

"Oh, suck it up," said Christina. The two were sitting beside each other on the sidelines, made substitutes because of their injuries. "Damn, you bite hard."

". . .That sounds hot," Rachel blinked.

"Damn pervert. . .," she sighed. "Okay, while we're here at school, we'll have a truce. Shall we?"

"I dunno. . .I'm not accustomed to making peace with the enemy. . ." said Rachel, cautiously. ". . .Will this truce have pie?"

"Uh. . .sure," said Christina. "Whatever."

"WARM pie?" asked Rachel, looking at her very intensely.

"Eeeeyeaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. . . .," said Christina. "WARM PIE. . ."

"YAAAAY!" Rachel clapped. "I'M IN! WHERE'S MY PIE!"

"In a vending machine."

"Wha?"

"You never specified where it came from."

". . . .WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

English class. . .

"You know. . .," said Jessie, in English class, "I sure like prepositions. . ."

"Uh. . .sure you do. . .," said Holly, trying to comprehend where that came from. "Why do you say?"

"Because, if we all had better grammar, the world would be a better place," said Jessie. "Don't you agree?"

"What?" asked Holly. "I didn't think you LIKED English class. WHY ARE YOU SAYING THIS!"

"Aww, isn't that great!" asked the English teacher, standing right behind Jessie. "You love English! YOU GET AN 'A'!" She walked off.

Jessie smiled widely. "Heheh."

"You know what? You're such a kiss-ass," Holly grumbled.

Back at home. . .

"You know Mars, at this rate, I can get my own apartment soon," said Tifa. ". . .Mars?"

He was in the kitchen, trying to use a mixer, wearing a an apron. "Yes, Tifa?"

". . .Mars, what in the name of the Ancients are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm trying to peak these egg whites, but it just won't work. . . .," he said, looking into the bowl. "You know, baking is a lot harder than it seems. . ."

". . . .You're bored, aren't you? At least, I HOPE that's the case for this," Tifa said. "You know Mars, I think I have man problems. Can I ask you a question?"

Mars dropped the mixer and ran over. "WHAT IS IT I CAN HELP YOU WITH!"

"Eeehhhh. . .Maybe I should just ask Mike instead. . .," Tifa blinked.

"NO! NO! YOU KNOW HIM! USE YOU AND LOSE YOU! YEP!" Mars stated. "NOTHIN' GOOD ABOUT THAT GUY!"

"Do you want a .32 calibur round up your ass, mister?" said Mike from the other room. ". . .I'd shoot you now, but I'm too lazy. Boredom really saps your strength. I think I need a job."

". . .Riiiiight. See? He's probably too lazy to give you advice," said Mars. "Come, come! Tell me your problem!"

"Well. . .," said Tifa. "On the way here, it seems I was once again objectified as a lust object from sex-loving men. Why is that? I mean. . .," she picked up her laptop and opened the screen, crammed with hentai of herself. "Why is this as such?"

Mars had a nosebleed. "UH-UM, WHY IS THAT ON THERE!"  
Tifa sighed. "I was doing research on myself, after my name being almost considered a joke, because of the videogame. When I put in my name, all this popped up."

"And. . .you didn't spaz out?" asked Mars.

"I did, kinda. . .," said Tifa. "But hentai or porn doesn't freak me out like Aeris. I'm not as censored. It's just sex."

". . .I think I love you," Mars sniffled, tears in his eyes.

"Eh?" Tifa blinked.

He coughed, trying to be serious. "All right. Tifa, sadly in this place, you and people like you, are obviously SEX IDOLS," he said. "Tifa, among all things, that is what you are. Men love you. Women want to be like you. You cook, you clean, you have a pleasant disposition, and. . .THAT RACK. . ."

"I think I'm gonna hurt you," she grumbled. "Do you think I'm gonna hurt you, because I think I am."

"HEY! HEY! HOLD ON! YOU JUST WANTED THE TRUTH!" he shouted. "YOU CAN'T BLAME ME FOR THAT!"

She sighed and slouched. "Right, right. . ."

He coughed, and leaned back on his side of the couch. "Look, Tifa. The point here is that you're most likely the most attractive woman on the planet, but you don't realize that, nor did stuff like this happen back in the previous world, PROBABLY because those damn lucky sons o' bitches see attractive women all the time, because it just works that way in videogames and movies," he grumbled, shaking his fist, wondering why he was still a virgin. "Men there didn't really point you out, because you were stuck in a SEA OF SEX APPEAL. . .," he said, starting to make weird hand gestures. "EVERYONE was pretty. . .Thus, you stand out less. Here, there's less of that. That's what we call REALITY. Not everyone's a model. Then, you walk outside, with that shirt, and the skirt, and the boobs, and the butt, and the perfectly toned arms and stomach that any woman would kill you over, and you're the center of attention. You're really a good person, Tifa, so you really shouldn't have guy problems. You're essentially perfect. At least, I think you are. . . . .Tifa?

Tifa's eyes were all googly, and she sniffled. "YOU'RE SO NIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICE!" she sobbed, glomping him. "I THINK I LOVE YOU, TOO!"

He blushed. "Reaaaaaaaally?"

"YES!" she sobbed. "NOW, MY LOVE! SWEEP ME AWAY TO THE NEAREST BED! OR, WE CAN DO IT RIGHT HERE, OR IN THE SHOWER! ANYWHERE!"

"EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH. . ." he laughed, giving a thumbs-up.

She looked deeply in his eyes. "Mars. . . .Mars. . ."

"MARS! DAMMIT, YOU PRICK!"

"What?" he groaned. The world suddenly seemed foggy, when he realized he was lying back, looking straight up into a very cranky Tifa. "T-Tifa!"  
"Mars, stop muttering when you sleep! Did you know you make hand motions when you sleep, too?" she asked. "You said my name. What were you dreaming about? YOU FELL ASLEEP WHEN I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT MY DAY!"

He started sweating bullets. "Oh, nothing! I was just baking a cake! YUP! I WAS DREAMING ABOUT CAKE! Uh. . .THE CAKE YOU MAKE! THAT'S WHY I SAID YOUR NAME! GOT CAKE!" On his face was a very innocent yet nervous smile.

She leered. "Sure. Cake. Then what's THAT!" Her finger pointed to an obvious rise in his pants.

"EH! AHHHHH!" He started to freak out. "Uh, well, you see, about that. . .Um. . ." Looking down, he saw Hype, in cat form, picked her up, and placed her in his lap. "Do you see anything! I don't see anything! NO, NADA, NOPE!"

"Meowww. . ." Hyped mewed, licking her paws. "Myou?"

From far away. . .

"Myou? Dammit, I think someone used my noise. . .," Rachel glared.

"What? What noise?" asked Christina. "And did you meow?"

"MYOU!" Rachel shouted. "MEE-OH! NOT, MEE-OW! . . .OWWWW!"  
Christina smacked Rachel on the arm. "Shut up. . ."

On to Mars!

"PLEASE, DON'T HURT ME!" Mars whined, strung up by his toes on the ceiling. "WHY DON'T YOU EVER PUNISH RACHEL LIKE THIS!"

"Because, Rachel doesn't have the HOTS FOR ME. . .I hope," said Tifa, a little disturbed by the thought. "Ew. . .Anyway, STOP HAVING DELUSIONS OF ME!"  
"I CAN'T HELP IT!" he sobbed. "IF YOU DID THIS TO ME BECAUSE OF A STUPID DREAM, THEN YOU HAVE TO DO THIS TO ALL THE MEN ON THE PLANET WHO HAVE DONE THAT! AND THAT'S A LOT OF PEOPLE TO STRING UP!"

"I really, REALLY don't like this world. . .Not because it's strange and foreign, or has even more pollution, an even more corrupt government, and its customs are strange, but because I DON'T ENJOY BEING STARED AT! DON'T THINK ABOUT ME THAT WAY!"

Mars grinned slyly. "Well then, why don'tcha let me get it out of my system. . .?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! SHUT UP!"

SMACK!

"Owwwwwwwwww!"

End of the day. . .

"Ahhh. . .Wasn't that fun?" asked Rachel, walking back out of the gym. "I didn't have to play!"

"No, you COULDN'T play. . .," said Keily. "You know, I'm just not gonna ask about how you derive more fun bleeding than from a game."

Rachel blinked. "I think Tifa made it a game for me."

"Rachel? She doesn't make you bleed. . .Often," Keily shrugged. ". . .That was the last class, right?"

"Mmhmm. . .," said Rachel. "We can go home now! How was it for everyone?"

"It was all right. . .," said Nyow.

"Fun," said Holly flatly, standing next to a knocked-out Jessie on the floor.

"Stupid. Where's my testosterone?" asked Konoshi.

"I feel. . .so REJECTED. . .," Kiako sniffled.

". . .Riiiiiiiiiiight. I'm too impatient to ask everyone else, soooo. . .," Rachel started to walk out the door. "I'm gonna go."

"Good idea," said Nyow. "Getting away from school as fast as possible is always-

"NYOW-CHAN!"

"AHHHH!"

GLOMP!

"Nyow-chan. . ." Some strange, dark-haired girl had knocked Nyow over in a frantic tackle. "It's ME! Beppi!"

". . .Eh?" asked everyone. "Who name their child 'Beppi'?"

"Well, it's really 'Bethany'. . .," muttered the girl. "BUT THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT! I MISSED YOU, NYOW-CHAN!"

"AAAACK! BEPPI! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!" asked Nyow, flailing. "And please, I think all these girls believe I'm a lesbian now because of you. . ."

"So?" asked Beppi.

BONK!

Beppi was clearly knocked out.

"Sooo. . .," Nyow continued. "We going home?"

"Ehhhhhhhh. . ." Everyone was a little speechless. "Who was that. . .?"

"Hm? Oh, that's Beppi. She's my best friend. Any other questions?"

They blinked and stood quietly. ". . . No, I think we're good."

"All righty!" Nyow exclaimed. "Who's picking us up?"

The silver Saturn pulled up, but who came out first was Aeris, stumbling out cluelessly. "Oooh, so this is the school?"

A lot of the girls were quiet, muttering, "Who is that! She looks like model," "Is that metal on her jacket?", and "How long did it take to grow her hair that long, because it must have taken it longer to braid."

Next of all, Tifa climbed out, too. Her hair, though, was peculiarly up in some hairsticks, a coat, and (dare I say it!) a long, merlot-colored skirt. "Where's the moron, and why am I here?"

"Oooooh. . .," went everyone.

"Hiii, Tifa!" shouted Rachel, walking up. "The unconscious girl is Beppi!"

"I thought that was Jessie."

"No, the OTHER unconscious girl!"

"Ohhh. . ."

"AHHH! RACHEL!" Angela walked up. "People are asking, 'since when did you know supermodels?', and I would like to know, too!"

Corinne had wide eyes. "AHHHH! AERIS COSPLAY!"

GLOMP! (yes, ANOTHER one)

"Ooh. Feel the love," said Aeris. ". . .Who is she?"

"LET GO OF THE AERIS, CORINNE. . .," said Rachel, trying to pry her friend off.

"NEVER!"

Rachel sighed. "Sooo, Tifa. . .What's up with the clothing change?"

"Remember those clothes Kiro bought back in England? Yeaaaah. . .," said Tifa. "I scrounged around in those clothing bags until I picked something I like. How do I look?"

"Like a supermodel off a runway."

". . .Will men stare at me now?"

"And women."

"Dammit," she grumbled. "That's the last thing I need."

"LOVE MUFFIN!" Kiro decided to suddenly start huggling Rachel. "Loooove muffinnnn. . ."

Rachel leered back to Tifa. "And you think women eyeing you is bad?"

"Oh. I see," Tifa said. ". . .Ha, ha."

"SHUT UP!"

During the car ride. . .

Beppi was fully conscious. "OHHHHH, NINETY-ONE BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL! NINETY-ONE BOTTLE OF BEEEEEEEER! SHAKE ONE FREE, PASS IT TO ME, NINETY BOTTLE OF BEER ON THE WALL! NINETY BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL, NINETY BOTTLES OF BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!"

"Her friend is annoying. . .," said Tifa, driving while Aeris sat on the passenger side. "I say we have a rear-end accident and take care of the dumb one as well."

"Tifaaaaaaa. . .," Aeris scolded. "She seems nice."

"EIGHTY-EIGHT BOTTLE OF BEER ON THE WALL, EIGHTY-EIGHT BOTTLES OF BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!"

Aeris sat quietly for a bit, until she scowled.

And glared.

And her eye started twitching.

But, it all stopped as soon as she raised her finger.

"Huh?" asked Tifa. "What happened?"

"I cast Silence," said Aeris. "I'm back in my happy place. . ."

Quality time. . .

Mars was finally untied, sitting on the couch, face down. "Oww. . .," he grumbled. "I can't feel my toes."

"Sucks to be you, dude," said Condrugon, sitting on the opposite side, watching what seemed to be a porno. "Whipped."

Rolling over, Mars decided to watch the video. ". . .Dude, that's hot."

"Hey, nothing better to do around here. . .," Condrugon said. ". . .Whipped."

"HEY!"

"WHIPPED!"

Mars tried attacking Condrugon, and soon they were just this random blur of punches.

"WHPSH!" said Condrugon, making a whip noise. "NYAHAHAAA!"

Mike just wandered in and sat on the couch, while the two punched each other on the floor. "More porn for me."

At the same moment, the girls walked in and stared. ". . .Men are WEIRD."

Negotiation. . .

"Whaaaaa…?" went Rachel's parents. "We know all your friends have to TRY and stay here for a little while longer. . .But ANOTHER one! I don't think we can do this. . ."

"Awwww. . .," said Beppi, with googly eyes. "Pwease?"

Rachel's father shook his head. "I don't think we can afford all this."

"IT'S ALL RIGHT!" Beppi said happily. "I KNOW AN ALTERNATIVE!"

Everyone looked at each other and shrugged. "What is it?"

The alternative. . .

Beppi was lying contentedly on the lawn. "LAWN!"

Eveyone stood back and watched. ". . .Nyow, your friend is WEIRD."

"Meh, she's probably just eccentric," Christina shrugged. "Although, people are gonna wonder why there's some stranger out on the lawn. Rachel, take her place."

"YOU take her place," said Rachel.

"YOU take her place!"

"YOU!"

"YOU!"

"YOU!"

"BLAAAAAAAARGH!

Yay, can you say, "catfight"?

"Dammit. . .," Tifa sighed.

"WOOOO! LEFT JAB! LEFT JAB!" Lucrecia cheered.

Cloud was munching on some popcorn, when Reno floated over, and watched at the two bite and tear at each others' clothes. "Dude. . .that is one of the most sexual things I have EVER seen," Reno said, eating some popcorn.

"Dude," said Cloud, "calm down. It's just popcorn."

And thus, Beppi got to sleep on the lawn.

* * *

AN3:standing around with a simple smile:

Tifa: Wellllllllllllll. . . That had NO plot, whatsoever.

AN3: So sue me. Very little time. Must write, chop-chop. You get the idea.

Tifa: No, not really.

AN3: Shut up. ANYWAY. . .

Tifa:grumbles:

AN3: With the renewal of the AE cult, I have a present.

Everyone: Does this have anything to do with baked goods?

AN3: NO! WE GET OUR PERSONAL MASSEUSES, RIGHT HERE ON THE SET!

Cloud: I'LL be Tifa's masseuse. :grins:

Aeris:sighs: Happy Valentine's Day to you too, Cloud.

Cloud: HEY, EITHER ONE IS FINE!

Aeris:storms off:

Vincent: Smooth. Hey, I have my own holiday?

Fangirls:SQUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE:

Vincent: Haven't heard that one in a while.

Condrugon:getting a back rub: Ohhh yeah baby, this is what I've been working for.

AN3: Yep! I hope to have myself felt up in such a way it relieves me, A.K.A: a massage! I don't have a lot of time for this, because I need to make dinner. And I have the flu. Let's see, any updates/mentionings. . .Um, I try out for my duet on Wednesday. . .But I think I'm sunk because I LOST MY VOICE! DAMMIT! I WAS GONNA SING, "EYES ON ME":sobs: I think I let my partner down. I hope the music teacher let's me postpone the date. Um. . .I'm still working on all the chapters. . .Maybe one or two more to give you the general idea, then I'll be caught up with the Christmas one, then New Year's, perhaps a general one, get to Valentine's Day, a certain few special ones, like Aeris' birthday (it's more of an essay) CHRISTINA'S birthday (wow, she's a year old), and finally, some plot elements. Sound like fun?

Everyone: No. Now hand us the lavender oil.

AN3: Hopeless. Oh well, I need to go make my dinner. Bye!


	11. Special Chapter: Exam Day

Special Chapter: Exam Day

A/N: Helloooo there, my angry angry readers. I realize you hate me for the sooo much slower chapters this year. I personally blame it on my dead and buried laptop, because I love writing in my room, but in my freezing basement on an uncomfortable chair? Hell no. Maybe if it were the computer I'm using now (my dad's, which is much nicer), things would be moving faster. Oh well. It's a special chapter, which in this case means. . . OH MY GOD! PLOT DEVIATION! LIKE THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE! I mean, this has NOTHING to do with the plot. It merely involves two of our characters, and NO, not Rachel and Kiro you sex deprived fanboys. Yes, it's between my character, Rachel, and Steve. "Why", you ask? 'Cause there's a comic about it on my deviantart account, and he said if I didn't make it a chapter, he would. And lord knows what he'd do with it (probably add ninjas, blood, and some other stuff to add action. But this isn't an action comic: it's comedy, with a LIIIIITTLE action on the side when we get into the real plot. I assure you, more plot will be coming into play, later). So. . .will you guys please read it? It would make me happy, and if I'm happy, I'LL GIVE YOU ALL FREE T-SHIRTS! That's right, if I'm happy and you come to this year's Otakon (read: anime convention in Baltimore), YOU GET A FREE ALTERNATE EARTH T-SHIRT! . . .We have credits to do, don't we? Heheh. Squaresoft owns FF7, Laura owns LadyTifa26, and because I love you guys so much, I will acknowledge you in saying that reviewers and readers own some characters, WHICH JUST MAY BE YOU! Yaaay! Now. . .READ IT! (At least to the part where the hallucinating begins.)

* * *

Is there something you believe in?

Like, maybe "mind over matter"?

It's common belief that, at least for spiritualists, the mind is stronger than the body and can reach limits beyond our physical being.

Also, 2 of people believe ghosts are what we make up when we're really having a hallucination. But what does all this have to do with the story, hmm?

When being tested and put under great stress, it is proven that the human body can achieve great things. What about the mind? Incredible things could happen, too. Yet, what could pressure the mind under such stress, which maybe even hallucinations. . .

Just may be real.

And what could force the mind under the extreme? It's amazing how teenagers now can put up with the heavy bookbags, workload, and social pressure. . .

And exams.

* * *

"Zzz, snort, grumble grumble, Narutonarutonarutonaruto. . .pie." This lump under a pile of sheets was snoring on a mattress, in a fair sized room with fair sized clutter, beside a window, which let gray light from a gray sky into the mess. First, a foot pushed out from under the blanket. Then, a hand. Miraculously, a head with tousled dark hair, still breathing as well as snoring, made its way out. "Mmm. . .What truck backed up on me this morning, and what's its license plaAaAaAaaaate. . .," he said, in a scratchy, cracking voice.

That's when the painful crash of reality hit.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Dogs barked, cats hissed, babies cried, and Barney was moved up a time slot. That's right, people. This is when the Earth makes its way around the sun to a time when we're just a little bit closer to the impending apocalypse. . .

Exams are in a week.

"Right," he said, blinking and looking at his calendar beside the bed. "Riiiiight. . .Exams are in a week." Mustering up his strength, he stood in front of the calendar, still in his boxers (I like to imagine at this part and I start to giggle, but I'm his girlfriend so its only okay for ME), and stood triumphantly. "I CAN PASS!" He made an action pose. "I WILL WIN!" There was another pose, followed by the crash of powerful waves (in anime-imagination only) in the background. "I WILL. . .will. . .um. . .zzzz. . ."

Only half his sleeping body made it back to the bed; the other half had to do with the floor.

* * *

"All right." It was one day later. "Focus. . .Focus. . .," he breathed, sitting on the floor with his eyes closed, now fully dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. "Aaaand. . ."

"BEGIN!" shouted the TV.

"NYAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!" he laughed, pressing buttons madly on his gamecube controller. "SASUKE CAN EAT MY FOX-DEMON (or rather, kyubi) ASS!"

Now, as it is rather sad as a human being may fall privy to the allures of the videogame (or as I like to call my PS2, my love muffin. . .If you're reading this Steve, you're still my love muffin! REALLY! I SWEAR!), we've all been there. I've been there, you've been there. . .But this was somewhere around a wrong and indecent level.

Seeing as, you know, this went on for three freakin' days.

* * *

"N-n. . .Naruuutooooo. . .," he said, while still in front of the TV. "C-can't go on but. . .but must. . .MUST PLAAAAY. . .I. . ." He slumped back, and went into a haze. "So little sleep. . .so. . .so. . ."

"Hello?"

A hand waved in front of his face.

"Oh, hello Jesus. . .," he said in the stupor. "I guess you're ready to take me to the pearly gates. . .But why no hot angel chicks, Jesus? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!"

"Um. . .I'm not Jesus. . .," said the voice, and the hand was still waving.

"Yeah, figures. . .You sound like a girl. . .Are you Satan? 'Cause I always knew Satan was a nymphomaniac. . .," he sighed. "Well, I have a girlfriend. . .but if I'm dead, I guess sleeping with you won't hurt. Just don't tell her."

The hand approached.

"NO! WAIT! WAIT! IT FEELS WRONG!" He shot his hands up in the air like the police were frisking him (Wish I were "frisking" him, nyeheheheh. . .You did NOT read that). "MUSTN'T BETRAY. . .MUST NOT. . ." When he blinked again, he finally regained vision. ". . .Eh?"

"HELLOOOOOOO!" said this girl, with dark-brown hair, in a black shirt and jeans like him. "I'm your hallucination!"

". . . . . .You look like my girlfriend," he blinked. "WAIT! WAIT! MY GIRLFRIEND! IS THAT YOU, RACHEL!"  
"Uh-

"YOU DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT ME SLEEPING WITH THE DEVIL! HONEST!" he sobbed at her feet.

She stood awkwardly in front of him. ". . .Er-

"AND I SWEAR THE DEVIL WAS ONLY HALF AS HOT AS YOU ARE! SPAAAARE MEEEEE AND YOUR THREE-PRONGED ATTACKED OF JEALOUS RAAAAAAGE!"  
Rachel blinked. ". . .I'm not your girlfriend, you know."

"What?" he asked. ". . . .DON'T BREAK UP WITH ME! I TOLD YOU I DID NOT SLEEP WITH THE-

"HOLD IT! HOOOOOLLLD IT!" she said, halting him right there. "If I don't stop you now, this'll go on all day," she sighed. "Now, I told you. . .I'm your HALLUCINATION. . ." As if to make some "mystic" hand motion, she waved her hands broadly. "HALLUUUUUCINAAAATIONNNNN. . .WOOOOOOOO. . .Can YOU say 'ha-loo-sin-ay-shun'?"

"Hee, hee, hee, you said 'loo', like the toilet. . .Wait, what?" he blinked, still recovering. ". . . .I've finally snapped."

"Oh, that's fine!" Rachel said. "Since you've snapped, I get to be out here! You see, I exist in your MIND. . .," she said, bending down with her finger on his forehead. "And because I exist in your mind. . .Um, let's just say it's small living space."

"HEY!" he snapped back. "You're MEAN. . ."

"I'm only lack tact with those I'm comfortable with," she said, sitting in his lap.

". . .Hey, you don't weigh anything. . .," he said. "Ooooh. . ." He moved his hand through her head. "HAHAHAHAHA! YOU'RE LIKE A PROJECTION! OOOOOOOOH!" He kept on doing it.

She grumbled. "Okay, stop that."

"Oooooh. . ." It went on.

"Stop that."

"Ooooooh. . ."

"Hey!"  
"OOOOOH-

"STOP IT, GODDAMNIT!"

He suddenly stopped and a random tumbleweed blew by. ". . .So whaddya wanna do?"

"First of all. . ." She pulled out some paper. ". . .Are you a 'Mr. Stephen Winard'?" A pair of glasses suddenly appeared on her face as she adjusted them and looked straight at him.

"Um . . .Yes?" he said. ". . .Rachel doesn't wear glasses."

"Nor do I need them," she said, throwing them off, the glasses seemingly disappearing into nothing. "Hey, I'm new at this. I only look like this because of what your imagination told me to look like."

He silently wondered why he didn't imagine her in lingerie, or preferably naked.

". . .Dammit."

"What?" she asked, inquisitively.

"Ooohhh, nothing," he coughed. "So, why are you here? YOU WANNA PLAY ME IN NARUTO!" he shouted enthusiastically.

Rachel sighed. "Naruto is the last of our concerns. . ."

"LAST OF _OUR_ CONCERNS! SPEAK FOR YOURSELF, LADY!" he said. "If you don't love Naruto, how can you be from my mind?"

"I'm like your girlfriend, too. . .," she said. ". . .Just lighter, and you can pass through me."

He tried lifting his hand again.

"Move through me again and I SWEAR I'll give you nightmares for months," she threatened.

"Oh yeah?" he said. "Nothing scares me!"

"Wanna see your MOM naked?" she said with a demonic smile.

"I'll be good," said he, his eyes dilated in fear.

"Yayness," she said, patting him on the head. "Now. . .TO THE BEDROOM!"  
Steve stopped in his tracks. ". . .ARE WE GONNA HAVE SEX!"

"No," she said flatly. ". . .But maybe after we study. HELL, JUST GET TO YOUR ROOM!"

"You sound like mother. . .," he said, eyes dilating again.

"That's kiiiiinda creepy," she said. ". . .Okay, I won't give you those nightmares."

"YAY!" He tried to hug her, but went right through. ". . .Oh yeah."

"STOP DWELLING ON IT. . .TO THE ROOM. . .," she said, marching off. "He has a girlfriend. . .how. . .?"

* * *

"YES! YES! ONE MORE TIME. . .!"

"Y-you sure?"

Apparently studying was more fun than assumed.

"All right. . .Ready?"

"Y-yeah. . ."

"ALL RIGHT!" Rachel grabbed a cloth that seemingly looked like a blindfold. "AANNND. . ." Tied it to her head? " 'I' BEFORE 'E'!"

" 'I' BEFORE 'E'!" He repeated, over a grammar book.

What the hell did you guys think? Buncha pervs. . .

Rachel stood up triumphantly, and took two fans in hand. "EXCEPT AFTER 'C'!" In stride, she romped around in a frantic Japanese fan dance. "WOOHOO!"

"I BEFORE E! EXCEPT AFTER C!" He chanted. "YEAAAH!"

"YEAAAH!" she shouted, dancing excitedly. "GRAMMAR ROCKS!"  
"I LOVE GRAMMAR!" he said with a fire in his eyes. ". . .Rachel, I don't love grammar-

"YOU DO NOW. . . .," she said angrily, shaking her fist. "I'll MAKE YOU LOVE GRAMMAR. . ."

"You know. . .," Steve said, taking off his "I love grammar" headband, "maybe I should study more than grammar. . ."

"HAH! LIES YOU SPEAK OF!" Rachel scoffed. "Who needs to know more than to form a coherent sentence? There is NO SUCH THING as ALGEBRA. . .However, you can use grammar every waking moment!"

"Well. . .," he said, shifting his eyes. "Thinking about grammar isn't, um, what I call a party. . ."

"NOT A PARTY! Loser," the hallucination grumbled.

"Yeah. Whatever," Steve yawned. "Just one thing."

"Yes?" she asked sweetly, with thoughts of apostrophes and commas, all in the right places.

"WHY ARE WE STUDYING GRAMMAR AT THREE A.M!" he shouted.

"QUIET!" his dad barked from his room. "Honestly, who are you talking to. . .!" After an abrupt snore, they knew he was again asleep.

". . .Your dad is loud. . .and WEIRD. . .," Rachel blinked.

"Meh. He's like that," Steve shrugged. "Can I sleep now?"

"CERTAINLY NOT!" Rachel said. "We have plenty to do! History, science, you name it! We have a lot of work to do, and. . .Steve?"

Steve was asleep on his desk, looking very content.

Being the imaginary form of his girlfriend, she also had the same personality, and decided to leave the sleeping lie. It seemed to be she took sympathy on him, and went to turn off the lights, only to find her hand passing right through the light switch. The same happened when she tried to reach a blanket to put on him, and sighed with annoyance. "Stupid not having a tangible body. . .," she grumbled, sitting next to him. "And I imagine I can't wake him up by any physical means, either." She propped herself up on her knees, resting her face on the desk (she could do that at least, because if she couldn't support herself, she would probably fall off the face of the earth), watching him rest with impatience. "Just. . ." She stuck a hand through his hand, trying to fathom how annoying and also how sad it was to never understand how it feels to touch. There was no rough, or smooth, or cold, or hot, nor fuzzy, nor prickly, and most definitely no hard or soft.

As a shadow of the mind, there was no smell, no taste, and one was only left with sight and sound. It was quiet. Sighing, she dismissed herself into thin air and a wish for such understanding.

* * *

"Steve-chan. . ."

"Huh? Eh?" He found himself with waking eyes to a bleary world. "Mommy, is naptime over?"

"Mommy? Who the hell!" asked a familiar voice. "Have you any idea what's going on?"

"Well. . .," he began, "I know I'm seeing double, and you sound funny. . .Hey, is this that Final Fantasy Seven thing where Cloud has a weird dream that makes no sense, and there's all this white text, and-

"No," the voice said flatly. "However, it IS time to wake up!"

"What?" Steve sat up, in his room. "But I am up!"

"Oh, really? Let's see."

The perspective of the room flipped, literally. He was sitting on the ceiling.

"Huh? AAAAAACK!" He fell like a rock to the floor. "Ow. . .AAAHHH!" Looking up, the bed was right above him and he scrambled away, just to see the bed was cemented perfectly on the ceiling. ". . .What's going on?"

There was still no appearance of the voice. "Now you're up, Steve-chan! Now, are you going to wake up?"

"I'M UP! I'M UP!" he shouted. "Whoever you are, you're worse than my mom. . ."

"Hey, that's insulting. . .," they said. "Okay, time for. . ."

Suddenly, the ceiling of the room along with the walls disappeared, surrounded by flames. "Have you any idea what's the fuel for this fire, Steve-chan?" the voice asked.

He stood up and look carefully. ". . .AAACK!"  
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAAA! THAT'S RIGHT! NARUTO MANGA!" The voice cackled evilly.

"AAAAAAHHH!" Sitting up in a cold sweat, he was in the waking world again from a thankfully fictional nightmare. He picked up the Naruto plushie beside him that Rachel, the non-imaginary one, had given him and hugged it. "BAD DREAM, BAD DREAM, BAD DREAM, BAD DREAM. . ."

"Oh, really?" It was the same voice.

"AAAAAAAAAH!" Strangely, he sounded a bit like a girl.

"Calm down, it's just me," said Rachel, appearing beside his bed. "Sorry to wake you, but it's time to wake up now."

"You. . .," he blinked. "YOU'RE THE VOICE! HOW COULD YOU BURN THAT MANGA!"  
"Geez, don't take it so personally," she said nonchalantly. "Here." Quickly, she tossed him a few copies of the Naruto manga, and shrugged. "Get up, it's 7:00. Time for exams. . . .Steve?"

Again, he was asleep.

"DAMMIT, STEVE!"

"AAAHHH!" He was apparently half-asleep. "Kidding, just kidding. . ."

* * *

"Ah yes. . .," said Rachel, shrunken down to a size that would allow her to sit on Steve's shoulder. "School: an institution of fine learning."

"No. School: an institution," he corrected. "I hate school."

"What teenager doesn't?" she asked. ". . .Unless you're a nerd. Or somehow lucked out and got into one of those schools that do nothing but fun crap. . ."

After walking past a countless amount of lockers, they finally arrived at the exam room. Filled with harsh fluorescent light and a loud crowd of students, the exam proctor finally screamed to calm down the noise.

"Is it always like this?" Rachel asked while Steve took a seat.

"On a good day," he replied, taking out his pencils.

". . . .What exam is this?" Rachel asked.

Steve nearly fell out of his chair. "YOU HELPED ME STUDY, BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT EXAM THIS IS!"

The room fell quiet at his yelling.

"Mr. Winard?" asked the proctor. "Are you feeling all right?"

Suddenly, he remembered nobody else could see Rachel. "Oh. . .Yeah, I'm fine. . .," he said awkwardly.

"All right," the proctor said, picking up the exam sheets. "We'll begin now."

"Sooo. . .," he said. ". . .What's the answer to number one?"

"Um. . .A," she said.

"And two?"

". . .C."

"How about three?"

". . .D."

"Have you any idea what I'm talking about?"

"No," she blinked.

Unfortunately, the entire exam kinda went this way.

* * *

Steve let out an audible sigh.

It was after the exams, walking home on the cold pavement, and Rachel was still beside him, normal size. "Steve. . .You'll get over it. . ."

He was silent.

"Heyyy, that's not niiiice. . .," Rachel whined. "You did your best, right? And, uh. . . .So what if there wasn't any grammar! That's THEIR fault! A FALLACY, I SAY!"

He kept walking.

"Oh, so mean. . .," she grumbled. "Um. . .Look, as your girlfriend hallucination, I say this from my transparent heart, that I care about you. So smile, 'kay? . . . . .Steve? HEY!"

He completely ignored her and was about fifteen feet in front.

"COME BACK HERE! WHAT DID I DO! . . .BESIDES EVERYTHING! COME BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK! Sniffle. . ."

Finally, he waited up for her. "You're so slow for a figment of my imagination. . ."

"Maybe it reflects on your MIND. . .," she grumbled bitterly.

"What?" he asked.

"NOTHING!" she laughed nervously. "And even if it was mean, you couldn't hurt me, anyway."

"Hmm. . ." There was a few moments of walking along in silence, while he wondered. _"So. . .She's my hallucination, right? So. . ."_

"Blah blah, blah blah blah, blahbbity blah blah Mc BLAH!" said Rachel, or only what Steve could understand."Blah-POOF!

Steve had finally been granted peace. _"Ah. . .Bliss. . ._"

BUT THAT IS NOT THE END OF OUR STORY! HELL NO! I GOT MORE!

Finally, at home. . .

_"Okaaaay. . .,"_ he considered. _"She said she only appears how my imagination tells her to appear. . .If that's the case. . ."_

POOF!

"AACK! STEVE!" She appeared angry. "Why the hell did you. . .EH!" She was dressed like Tifa. "THIS IS NOT FUNNY!"

Steve was drooling and gave a thumbs-up. "YES!"

"AAAACK!" she whined. "I FEEL. . .SO NAKED. . ." She put her arms up to cover herself. "HOW COULD ANYONE MOVE IN THIS AND NOT FEEL SELF-CONSCIOUS! . . .STOP THE DROOLING!"

He coughed. "Sorry about that. I AM a growing boy. . .A HEALTHY one. . ."

"And having delusions about half-naked women-

"Cloud," he said, suddenly.

She paused. ". . . .Oh yes, that's my human manifestation's obsession. . .Does she think about it often?"

"She thinks about sex more often than a man," he blinked.

". . ." Rachel was silent. Finally, she rested her hand on his shoulder. "You're a very lucky guy."

"She can be very difficult. . .," he sighed. ". . .But I guess so."

"So. . .What does she call you? Pet names?" asked Rachel, sitting down on his bed.

"She doesn't like pet names. . .," he said. ". . .But she seems to have a penchant for giving me weird nicknames. . .Love muffin. . .Sex muffin. . .Steve-chan isn't so bad. . .," he sobbed. "Among others. But if I give her a weird pet name. . ."

"She'll kill you?" she guessed.

"No," he sighed, sitting on the floor. "Something along the lines of endlessly whacking me with a baka fan. I think she's on now. . ." He pulled over his laptop, turned it on, and waited for it to start up. "She's an Internet junkie, but her dad kicks her off a lot."

"Ooh, I wonder what that's like. . .?" she thought. Obviously being a figment of someone's imagination, she'd be curious to what her living replica is like and who she's around. Steve seemed nice enough.

He shrugged. "I dunno. . .Look, she's on."

"Imwitstoopid1076:33: MYOUUUUUU! o 3" The IM was followed by a moogle's "kupo!" noise.

"Huh?" asked Rachel. "Oooooooh. . .So she's weird, huh?" The hallucination blinked. "I can be weird. Wanna see?"

"I have a bad feeling if I say 'yes', you'll change into something freaky, so. . .No thanks. . ." He started typing his own reply to his screename, Inuyasha8704 (this has been changed to protect the ignorant!).

"Inuyasha87046:34: hi

Imwitstoopid 1076:34: You know, I should smack you for your lack of grammar. BUT I LOVE MY STEVE-CHAN! MYOU:huggles:

Inuyasha87046:34:blushes: heheh. How are ya'?

Imwitstoopid1076:36: Well. . .I got hit in the head with a book today. . .And I hurt my arm on the metal ledge of the chalkboard. . .But I think I passed my math quiz:happy:

Inuyasha87046:37 what does getting hrt and ur math quiz have to do with each othr?

Imwitstoopid1076:37 . . .Physical AND mental pain?

Inuyasha87046:38: oh :sweatdrop:"

". . . .How. . .random," she blinked.

"She wouldn't be Rachel any other way," he laughed slightly. "You're not too different, from her."

". . .Strangely, I take that as an insult," she blinked. ". . .Am I really that terrible at math?

"Well-

"KUPO!" He was cut off by the sound of Rachel's IM noise. "Imwitstoopid1076:39: Gotta go Steve! Dad's here to kick me off!

Imwitstoopid107 signed off at 6:39"

"Heheh. What do you think of her?" he asked.

"Hmm. . .What's she like, really?" his delusion asked. "I mean, I gather she's. . .ECCENTRIC. . ."

"She's funny. . .," he said. "And, well. . .happy when she WANTS to be. . ."

"She's a moody loony from the funny farm, huh?" Rachel asked.

"Nooooo! . . .Not quite. . .," Steve said. "And she's smart. . .great ass. . ."

"What?" asked Rachel.

"NOTHING!" Steve said. "Um. . .She's a good person."

Rachel sat for a while as Steve watched some flash movies, laughing. ". . . . .You love her?"

"WH-WH-WH-WHAAAAAAT!" He practically dropped the laptop, a burning bright red. "H-HALLUCINATIONS SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO ASK THOSE QUESTIONS!"

"Oh. Sorry," she said. "For a lot of stuff."

"Wasn't your fault," he shrugged. "I let it go. Want something to eat? I have spaghettiooooos. . ."

"I can't eat," she said, shaking her head.

"Why?" he asked. "Not hungry?"

She stuck her hand through his head. "Heheh. Remember?"

"Oh yeah, that whole thing about being non-existent. . .I'm gonna eat. Wanna stay here?"

"I'll come," she said. "The mind cannot focus when in two places at once."

* * *

"Spaghettios. . ." Rachel was staring at it. "Food. . ."

"Yeah. Yum," he said. "Great when hot, but you can live off it cold, too."

"Hot? Cold?" she asked curiously. "What's that?"

"Umm. . .You don't know? Oh yeah, well. . .Hot is like. . .having a certain degree that makes you sweat and uncomfortable in the atmosphere."

"Like when you've done something awkward?" she asked.

"Wrong kind of being uncomfortable. Like, um. . .it really is hard. . .And cold is like wanting to shiver a lot."

"Oh," she said, like she didn't get it. "Okay." Turning around, she sat at the opposite end of the table. "Are you tired?" she yawned.

"Yeah. . .How'd you know? Guess it was a long day, right?"

"No. I'm only tired when you are. Otherwise, I don't need to sleep," she said.

"Weird. . .," he sighed.

"What?" she asked. "WHAT! WHAT'S SO WEIRD!" Her face looked liked she was getting flustered.

"You're not human at all, are you?" he asked. "No eating, no sleeping, no feeling. . .Do you have emotions?"

"Just the ones you do," she said. "It's not so bad."

"Sounds terrible. . .," he said with a mouthful of spaghettios. "And you don't even look like an individual."

"Heheh," she laughed, with a soft glimmer of sadness that left as quickly as it came. "Really, it's all right. I don't even have to worry about when I go."

". . .Hallucinations go to the bathroom?"

"NO!" she barked. "Honestly. . .I mean, when I LEAVE."

"Leave?" he asked. ". . .Goin' on a trip?"

"NO! I mean, I can't stay here together. . .," she sighed.

". . .I KNOW!" he said. "COULD you eat if it's . . .BRAIN FOOD! GET IT? BRAIN FOOD!"

She shot him this deathly glare.

"Ahahaha. . .You didn't get it, did you? R-Rachel?"

She silently walked out of the room.

"H-HEYY! . . .Eating alone is so pitiful. . ."

* * *

She sat alone in his room. "Stupid not being able to use stuff. . ." Obviously, she was reaching for a PS2 controller her hand could only move through. "DAMMIT! And I don't like playing mind games. . .GET IT! MIND GAMES! Yick. . ." Sighing exasperated, she rolled on her back on his bed. "I feel so NAKED. . ." Her black Tifa miniskirt was riding up, so she pulled it back down. Then she realized her contradictory statement. "Right. . .No feeling. . .Sure. . ." Tired, she curled up to sleep, and shivered. "Huh. . .Strange. . ."

"Rachel? Yoohoooo! Oh, you're asleep. . .," said Steve, who finally made it upstairs. "Hm. She looks cute when she's asleep." Then he laughed pervertedly at the thought of having Tifa asleep on his bed. "Nyeheheheh. . .NO NO NO!" he yelled. "Just a hallucination. . . .This cute cosplay Tifa hallucination. . .Ugh." He sat on his bed, and feeling tired too, and being as nice as any boyfriend should, put and arm around her.

She felt cold.

"Eh. . .That's so weird. . .," he said, remembering but stunned by the result. He didn't pass through. "Was she lying? AAAHH!"

Her body disappeared into thin air.

And he passed out from shock. "The. . .the POOF. . ."

* * *

"Steve-chan. . ."

"Jesus, it's not you again, is it? The last time you were here, you-

"DAMMIT, I'M NOT JESUS!"

". . .Eh?" He blinked, and found himself in a world that was, well, prettier than real life. ". . .Am I dead?"

"There's no getting through to you, is there?" Rachel appeared, with a finger on his forehead. "Thicker than lead. . ."

"Well, it really depends on the thickness of the lead, not really the substance, so-

"ANYWAY. . .," she continued. "You're DREAMING, Steve. . ."

He sat for a moment. ". . .Then why aren't you naked?"

"STEVE!"

"Right, right, right, right. . .," he said. ". . .So, whaddya wanna do?"

"I have to GO, Steve. . .So I thought I'd say goodbye here. You're a good sport. Kinda. . .," she sighed. "Thanks for everything."

"What?" He was confused. "YOU helped ME study, though. . .Oh, I know. . .You DO have the hots for me, don'tcha?"

"Steve, I may not be able to hurt you in the real world, but you're in my territory now," she grumbled.  
"Ah. Yes," he said, a little nervous. "Nightmares. With my mother." He tried to blot out the image. "AHHH, TERRIBLE!"

"Steve?"

"PAAAAIN!"

"STEVE!"

"Yes?" he asked, out of the moment. "Oh right. Well. . .Um. . .You're leaving. . .I'll miss you, or uh. . .See you soon? Or um. . .I'm not very good at this stuff. . ."

"It's all right," she shrugged. "I'll be around, or I won't."

". . .That never makes sense," he blinked.

Sighing, she explained. "I'll be HERE, I just won't appear again."

". . .Until next year's exams?"

"I only get one shot at this," she said. "So, not EVER. . . .Unless you get overstimulated from Naruto again. AND I WILL NOT DRESS UP AS HINATA FOR YOU!"  
"Nyeheheheheh. . .," he laughed. "But, she's cute."

"Yeah, and I was naked for a moment back there, when you made me wear that skirt of abomination. NOBODY SHOULD BE FORCED TO LIVE THAT WAY!" she sobbed.

"Well, uh. . .Sorry," he said.

"No, no, no, noooo. . .," she said, waving her hands. "I don't wanna hear that before you go. Instead. . ."

"I refuse to do the grammar dance," he grumbled.

"Not that either! I just wanna say that you should do your best, so I don't have to drag my ass out here again."

". . .But you're in my head now."

"Out THERE again. Whatever," she said. "Words of encouragement, words of encouragement. . .Um. . .Don't screw up,'kay?" She patted his shoulder. "Yeah. And uh. . ." She blushed, straining herself. "I mean, if you screw up, I'm going to have to kick your ass."

"But-

"JUST GO ALONG WITH IT," she said sternly. "It sure is hard to threaten you with only one ace up my sleeve. Don't give up, all right? Right?"

"Heh. Right," he nodded. "Otherwise, you get to kick my non-existent ass. Can I have a wish before I go?"

"Better not be anything sexual, you damn perv. . .," she grumbled.

"But. . .Rachel LIKES perverts. . .," he whimpered.

"I'm not Rachel! I can't be Rachel, all right?" she sighed. "So, what's the wish?"

"Um. . .I wanna remember you when I wake up," he said. "I HATE those dreams where you forget what they are when you get up, and then you spend the rest of eternity wondering what you dreamt of. . ."

". . ." She blinked. "What a philosophical statement. But I'll see what I can do. Rachel's an okay person. And you're a good person, too."

". . .But you didn't say she was a-

"Baby steps," she cautioned. "I don't know the child." She hugged him mildly. "Ooh, you're warm. . .Or is this cold?"

"You shivering?"

"No. . .So you're warm. It's nice," she blinked. "I'll see ya'." She put a finger on his head.

"Saying I'm thick-headed again?" he grumbled.

"No," she said, still blinking. "But you must be not to see the next plot device."

"Plot device? What the crap are you talking abou-mmph!"

Behold, the shortest surprise kiss "mmph" in the history of man! It could be shorter. . .But otherwise would be the abbreviation of "miles per hour".

She let him go. "Bye!"

The rest faded into black.

* * *

". . .Ow." Steve sat up, the next day, as cold and gray as the beginning. "I'm not gonna ask what I was tripping on. But that kiss. . ." He blushed again. "Nyeheheh. I never get kissed." He sighed with a smile, and look down. ". . .Eh? AACK!" Suddenly, he hid something with his hands between his legs. "THAT'S SO EMBARRASSING TO WAKE UP WITH. . ."

* * *

Often, the mind offers deceptions. It is up to you to decide to take advantage of it, or dismiss it completely. There's a choice.

And if you do accept, what then? Is something like this possible? The mind is a powerful thing.

All that is known is that Rachel, the hallucination was a puppet of the mind, constructed from the image from the real, human Rachel and was prompted to act by the accordance of a memory.

Remember, Steve? A kiss, then I was gone.

What do you really believe in?

Don't give up, because it might take flesh one day.

* * *

AN3:laughs nervously: I was trying to beat the clock and forgot to add the narrative ending. So I edited it.

Tifa: . . . . .YOU WHAT!

Everyone:falls over:

AN3: Well, uh. . .I was trying to beat the clock again last night like I normally do. . .Because I thought my dad was gonna kick me off at any moment. . .And-

Tifa: No, we're trying to UNDERSTAND the point of this story. You kissed him and ran off? You really are a moron.

AN3: I WAS LEFT WITH A LACK OF OPTIONS! You all know the story. . .I think. You know, everything was awkward, I ran off for the most part, last day came, I kissed him then I left. WHAT!

Everyone:sighs and refuses to believe she writes their fate: You suck.

AN3: WAAAAAH:sniffle sniffle: SHUT UP IF THIS WAS THE PRODUCT OF MY SUBCONSCIOUS! IT TOOK PSYCHOLOGICAL SEARCHING TO WHY I WOULD WRITE THIS! AND THERE IT IS! BECAUSE IT HAPPENED TO ME!

Tifa: You were a dream?

AN3: YOU GET MY POINT!

Tifa: . . . So, you WERE a dream. . .

AN3: NO!

Tifa: . . . You're so confusing, you know?

AN3:sobs: Yes, well, the ending narrative again would've been different if I tried to make a grand appeal, but I stuck with the original point to cheer on my Steve-chan because you all could drop dead for all I care.

Everyone: HEY!

AN3: Sorry, I haven't had caffeine in a week. Oh, I think I had a piece of chocolate, though. . .But I don't think I've drank any soda. . .Sorry if I'm mean. The initial point is to say that you all can gather whatever you want from this story, but the main thing is for Steve to read it and get that his determination is what I find very admirable about him.

Everyone: AWWWWW!

AN3: SHUT UP! YOU ALL SUCK:sobsobsob:

Tifa: GET THIS WOMAN COFFEE!

Lucrecia: OOH! TRY MY COFFEE DELUXE-O-MATIC 3000! IT SLICES, IT DICES, IT CUTS AND CUBES! IT EVEN LIQUIFIES:pours gas in the mechanical monster, pulls on the cord, and makes a scary lawn mower noise, from which it was probably derived:

AN3: Uh. . .No thanks, Lucrecia. :blinks: Quite frankly, I'm a little afraid of it.

Lucrecia: Fine! But you're missin' a good cup o' java!

AN3: Hee hee. . .Java. :coughs: Anyhoo. . .Steve wanted it made known that his real IM screename is Inuyasha8703. . .BIG difference, I know. He prefers it that way. The grammatical mistakes in his IM are intentional. I love Steve, but not for his grammar. Noble of me to love someone with a quality I prize most, don't you think?

Tifa: Grammar Nazi.

AN3: WHY, THANK YOU! I can take my time with these notes 'cause it's morning, my dad's at work, and. . .I'm getting sleepy from breakfast. Dammit, I was gonna finish the other chapter. . .THEN, I'll try my hand at Christmas, hit all the big notes, and see if I can finish this year, THIS YEAR! I'll browse through to see if I should edit this thing again. . .You know, sometimes I don't write certain plot holes just to make it funny. . .THIS HAD MEANING, PEOPLE! FIND IT!

Sephiroth: Though Rachel was a figment of the imagination, she wanted to be human but also live up to Steve's standards of being his girlfriend, all while trying to understand the person she was made after. The reflection of Steve was determination to win, but folly to other temptations, such as procrastination and other enjoyable activities in belief it would all be okay from a positive perception, which is who he is. The former lacks humanity, and the latter embodies it.

Everyone: . . .

Sephiroth: WHAT!

All guys: Dude. . .You're such a woman.

Sephiroth: ONLY ADVENT CHILDREN MAKES ME LOOK LIKE THAT! I AM THE DEFINITION OF MASCULINITY!

Cloud:burps and scratches his ass: Eh?

Tifa: . . . .Never mind. Anyway, what does humanity have to do with exams?

AN3: Uhhhhh. . . . .Every human has a test of faith? We're all prone to failure, but the importance is to get back up?

Tifa: . . . . . . . . .Stop making things up.

AN3: Hear that, people! Tifa wants me to stop writing AE! BYE!

Everyone: NOOO! IT CAN'T END THIS WAY!

AN3: SURE IT CAN! BYE!

Everyone: TAKE IT BACK, TIFA!

Tifa: I WAS KIDDING!

AN3: Fine. Whatever. Can I go now?

Everyone: . . . .:edgily: Suuuuuure. . .

AN3: Right. Bye now.


	12. Chapter 10: Getting on with Our Lives

Chapter 10: Getting on with our Lives

A/N: Well, if you thought that living in the real world would not be as fun as living in the FF7 world. . .You are absolutely correct! Anyway, this chapter for a tiny summary (as if you couldn't already guess) is trying to get everyone along in their new lifestyle. Hey, if Rachel had to live with getting a new welt from Tifa's gloves every day, Tifa ought to start living with random men passing her their numbers on the street. Hey, that's not fair. . .Oh, right. FF7 is owned by Squaresoft, LadyTifa26 owns Laura, and random people own everything else. Gotcha?

* * *

"Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. . .," sang Hype, clanking her knife and fork at the breakfast table, happily. "I like chicken, I like liver, Meow Mix, Meow Mix, please deliver! (we don't own Meow Mix, either)"

"Hype. . .Stop degrading yourself to human advertisement jingles. . .," Cleo, her sister, chastised. "It's not right!"  
"I like chicken, I like liver, Meow Mix, Meow Mix, please deliver!" Rachel sang with her, too. "I love that song!"

Cleo sank in her chair and sighed, her cat ears drooping slightly. "Oh, never mind. . ."

"Breakfast!" Tifa announced, setting the food on the table. "It's not easy feeding an army, buuut. . ." She twirled her spatula expertly, flung it in the air, and caught it back when it fell, by the handle. "It's a piece of cake for me," she grinned in egotism.

"OOH, WE HAVE CAKE!" asked Beppi. "Mommy never lets me eat cake for breakfast."

"Who's the chick?" asked Mars, helping himself to some bacon. "She's weird."

"Just ignore her," said Mike. "Maybe she'll go away. And don't look at her in the eyes. . .Funny things happen. . ."

Mars tried it. "Sooo, Beppi. . .Where ya' from?"

She smiled, crossed her eyes, and they changed a funny color. "CLEVELAND!" She laughed and went back to normal. "I'm running out of sugar. . .Where's that cake?"

Mars blinked. ". . .Figures, she's from Cleveland. . ."

"Ohio?" asked Mike. "Yeah, only the weirdoes come from Cleveland, Ohio. . ."

"I thought only weirdoes came from Reno, Utah," said Rachel.

"Heeyyyyyy!" said Reno, adding some whiskey to his coffee, a bit of pancake on the side of his cheek. "I DO NOT PRODUCE WEIRDOES! . . .I DIDN'T IMPREGNATE ANYBODY!"

"Your sperm are probably infertile, anyway. . .," said Rufus, drinking his normal, sugarless, black coffee. "You drown them in that whiskey of yours."

"As a preventive measure," Reno nodded.

Everyone sighed. "Can we stop talking about sperm in the morning?"

If you had already guessed, this was a fairly regular morning. A couple weeks had already passed, in adjustment to the school. It was a clear, Saturday morning. But it was going to be a little different this week, from the rest.

"All right, suckers!" Tifa announced, finally getting to sit down to a seat at the table. Fortunately, Rachel's family is now accustomed to eating out. Having so many strangers not only wore on their nerves, but on the body to try and reserve a seat somewhere CLOSE to the kitchen. "Tomorrow, I'm moving out! Now, don't cry because you won't have this good food, but-

"WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Rachel shouted suddenly. "MY WOUNDS WILL HEAL!"

Silence. . . .

". . .I'm sorry," Rachel apologized, sweating nervously. "You were saying, Lady Ironboot?"

"Riiiiight. . .," Tifa continued. "I got myself an apartment, and I'm moving in tomorrow! I have myself a job, nyeheh. . .But, I promise to visit, if you want me. . .However, that's not the only change around here. . ."

"Why are you dictating orders in MY house?" Rachel asked. "You should listen to ME! MY grand decree is. . .is. . .Um. . .Please, pass the syrup."

Tifa sighed, and tossed it over to Rachel.

"WHEE!" Rachel squealed. "Thank youuuuuuuuu!"

". . .Uh-HUH. Okay," Tifa continued, "it is at the request of Rachel's family, to say in a short way. . .GET THE HELL OUT! They put it rather nicely when talking to me last night, but you have to admit, they've been good sports for THREE WEEKS of this. . .insanity. . ."

"BUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRP!" Cloud belched. "What insanity?"

"Thank you for that great visual aid, Lord of the Flatulence. . .," Tifa commended. "But-

"I thought 'flatulence' was. . .um. . .excessive gas in the, er. . .," said Rachel. "The-

"Ass. Ass gas," said Lucrecia. "See?" she said with a smile. "That wasn't so bad!"

"It's the DIGESTIVE tract. . .Close enough," said Tifa. "And it could also mean he's self-important."

"MY HAIIIIIRRRR!" he screamed, when Kiako accidentally got ketchup on it. "WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA!"  
"I WAS TRYING TO SQUIRT A BIG, RED HEART ON CIDDY-DUMPLING'S PLATE!" she sobbed, in terror.

"LET ME FINISH. . .," Tifa said, irritably. "We have to move out."

". . ." More breakfast table silence. ". . . .NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" they screamed. "WE'RE MOOCHERS! LET US STAAAAAAAAY, RACHELLLLLLLLLLLL!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The last thing Rachel knew before passing out, was the giant group "hug" from everyone.

Feel the love. . .

On the couch, Rachel lay unmoving and unconscious.

"See? I'm the only one who can properly brutalize the poor girl," Tifa sighed. "At least when I do it, she learns a lesson."

"I'm not sure that's the case, Tifa. . .," said Aeris, sighing. "I get the impression she doesn't learn so much."

"Eh! She's slow!" Tifa shrugged. "She requires repetitive learning. . ." The sound of her cracking knuckles unsettled some, Rachel almost noticeably twitching. "Point is, I'm SURE some of you can get a job. . .Not by whoring."

Kiro slunk and pouted.

"And, the job will be respectable. . .Not by whoring. Besides- NOT BY WHORING!"

"I get the point!" Kiro said to Tifa. "Jesus. . ."

"Yay, now that we've learned a little lesson in SELF-RESPECT. . ." Tifa glared at Mars, who attempted stuffing a dollar down Kiro's bra, then meekly retracted his hand and smiled. "Ahem. We can get on with our lives in a timely manner, until, hopefully, one day we get home. Lucrecia, how's the project working on that?"

"Hmmmm. . . ." Lucrecia was meticulously flipping through her noted on the clipboard. ". . .I have no funding, no supplies, no lab, and I can't get my guinea pig down from the ceiling."

"NOO! STAY AWAY FROM ME!" shouted Kami, somehow managing to clutch onto a smooth ceiling. "I SWEAR, I CAN STAY UP HERE! YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME!"

"Rachel, do you have a stepladder?" Lucrecia asked sweetly.

"Uh-huh," Rachel nodded, suddenly awake. "But it's a little rickety."

"All right, then," decided Lucrecia. "I have a ray gun that'll do the trick."

"AHHHHHHHHH!" Kami fell straight down. ". . .Ow. I hope you're happy. My fingers are killing me."

"Ooh, I have a paste diluted from frogs' eyes for that!" said Lucrecia. "Now, I can experiment that!"

Kami passed out on the "frogs' eyes" part.

"What a scaredy cat. I was kidding," Lucrecia said, holding a tube of regular ointment. "I wouldn't do that to my precious experimental animals."

"HE'S your experimental animal," said Rachel. ". . . .That sounds hot."

"Can Aeris be MY experimental animal?" asked Cloud.

"Eh?" Aeris asked, as red as her jacket. "What?"

"No," said Tifa. "No experimental animals."

"Can Kiro give me a full body massage?" asked Mars, with a slight nosebleed.

"Ooh, really?" said Kiro. "Does that mean I touch your entire body, or my entire body gives you that massage? Either way, WE CAN HAVE A THREESOME WITH RACHEL!"

Rachel passed out again.

Kiro was somehow with delight. "ALL RIGHT! SHE'S VULNERABLE! LET'S GO!"

Now, Mars passed out with delight.

". . .Awww. . .," Kiro whined. "That was gonna be FUN. Still got that ointment, Lucrecia?"

"FORGET THE OINTMENT!" shouted Tifa. "FORGET THE MASSAGE, AND THE THREESOME, AND THE SEX, AND THE RACHEL! WE NEED TO GET OUR PRIORITIES IN ORDER!"

"Our experimental animals?" asked Cloud, halfway on top of a blushing and delusional Aeris.

"NOOOOO! NO EXPERIMENTAL ANIMALS!" Tifa screamed. "Look. . .," she sighed, calming down. "We're going to get our jobs. And, interesting mail came in. . ." She handed them out to all the mooching high school girls. "It's the same program Laura had. You get housing."

"Do we get sexy, vampire boyfriends?" asked Jessie. "I sure like that kind of program."

"I am not a vampire!" Vincent protested. "I NEVER WAS!"

"And it's not like we see much of each other anymore. . .," said Laura. "I have college too, you know. And, we haven't even done the nasty."

". . . .You say that so incredibly casually, you know that?" asked Rachel. "Rubbing it in to all virgins like me."

Tifa sighed wishfully. "I kinda wish I were a virgin. . ."

Nobody in the room said a word.

". . .What? What?" asked Tifa. "Just a passing thought!"  
Blinkity, blink, blink.

". . .Oh, you people suck," she grumbled. "That's enough time sitting here! GET YOUR ASSES OUT OF HERE! GET A JOB! BE PRODUCTIVE!"  
"I can do that," said Reno, all the way on top of Andariel. "I just need to remove our clothes, and-

"PRODUCTIVE, NOT _RE_PRODUCTIVE! How many times has that joke been done, anyway? OH, SHUT UP AND GET OFF OF HER!" Tifa picked him off her, and booted him out the door. "FIND A JOB!"

The job hunt ensues. . .

"I think Tifa has a blood pressure issue," said Sky, looking at the job listings while she walked on the street. "I mean, I saw that vein in her temple that she gets. . .It was looking right at me. . .The vein of DEATH. . ."

"I think we have to get used to that," said Keily, her hands deep in her coat pockets. "I, however, know what job I shall pursue."

". . . .A singing telegram?" Sky guessed.

"Noooo! . . .Wait, what?" Keily asked, confused.

"Nothing," said Sky. "What were you saying?"

". . . .Okaaaaaay. . .," she continued. "I, my friend, am a manga-ka."

". . . .You're a funny girl," Sky said, patting Keily on the shoulder. "Very funny, indeed."

"It's not a joke! I draw stuff, and get paid!" Keily said, stubbornly. "I have a talent! And it's not dancing on a pole!"  
"I AM NOT A STRIPPER!"

To Mars' Land. . .

"Someone mentioned 'pole dancing'. . .," said Mars, sniffing the air, in some other neighborhood for a job.

"I smell it too, brother. . .," said Korus, sniffing like Mars, as if a dog on a trail. "And where there's a stripper pole, I follow valiantly. . . . .With one dollar bills, in hand."

"You people are freaks. . .," Mike sighed.

Ironically enough, they just passed a strip club. We all saw that one coming.

Tally ho, the job search. . .

Cleo rolled over on the couch and yawned, stretching out her claws. Soon enough, she curled back up, and tried to take a long catnap.

"Didn't I tell you to get a job?" asked Tifa, hands on her hips.

"And?" Cleo asked. "Do YOU see any job openings for a Japanese cat demon?"

At that time, Selena walked past, with the classifieds. "I wonder if there are any openings for an Amazon Princess. . ."

"There are other options. . .," said Tifa. "Like, uh. . .like. . .like. . . .GET A JOB!"

"I don't have any educational experience," said Cleo, rolling over and examining her claws. "The only experience I've had is living in a secluded, haunted forest, driving away trespassers, and killing things."

"You sound like the old lady next door," Rachel blinked.

". . . Right. Anyway. . .," said Cleo. "Unless I'm the new, 'old lady next door', AND I'M NOT VERY OLD-

"Meow!" Hype ran by as an orange tabby, then transformed back.

POOF!

"Ow. . .," Hype said. "Cleo, you're HUNDREDS of years old! You're crabby, and you LIKE killing things! You ought to be the best candidate for 'old lady next door' ever!"

"Thank you for the vote of confidence, just where I don't need it, Hype. . .," Cleo sighed. ". . .Wait, how would you know about the old lady?"

"She gave me some catnip!" said Hype. "Touch it and die." She had a deathly, and uncharacteristically serious face on. "Heheh!" Giggly again, she continued. "She likes cats, and has this mouse problem, you see. Sooo, while inadvertently tearing an innocent mouse to shreds for my single, solitary meal, she thanked me for helping her, gave me some catnip, and I was on my way!"

Tifa had this evil look on her face.

"Hah?" asked Cleo, for once not the most evil thing in the room, and suddenly clueless. "What's going on? Eh? Tifa? TIFA!"

Next door. . .

"Hello?" Tifa was knocking on the door, with both Hype and Cleo in her hands. "Hellooo?"

With a short series of thuds to the door, it creaked open on an otherwise pleasant looking house, the door revealed a hunched over, rather angry looking woman. "I don't want any!"

Tifa stopped the door before the woman slammed it. "Hey, hey, hey. . .I heard you liked cats, AND you had a mouse problem."

The woman was wary. ". . .Who told you that?"

"Um, news travels fast? Anyway, I know Hype wandered into your yard and-

"Oh, that pumpkin-colored one?" the woman asked, her scowl turning into a more friendly smile, picking Hype up out of Tifa arms.

Cleo was about to bite something.

"She's a wonderful little kitty. . .," the woman said, petting Hype with her finger on her head. "Very pleasant, too. That other one you have, though. . ."

Cleo glared scornfully at the woman.

"Oh, her? She needs exercise. Too much napping, not enough, uh. . .you know. . .," said Tifa. "Whatever cats do. The point is, how would you like these cats to take care of your little mousey dilemma?"

". . .There's no catch to this, is there?" the woman said. "I love cats, but I can't afford to keep 'em."

"No, noooo!" Tifa said, blowing off that idea. "Just, um…$10 an hour."

". . . .Deal," the woman said, after a few moments of deliberating. "But afterwards, if I find one leftover mouse-

"They're thorough," Tifa assured. "Regular hunters. Especially this one." Holding up Cleo, she gently set her down and let Cleo resume licking her paws. "THOROUGH. . ." Tifa winked at Cleo, who received the ultimatum the first time.

"Fine," said the woman. "And, I expect with the mice, I won't have to feed them?"

"Certainly not!" Tifa said. "And if they still are hungry, THEY WILL SWALLOW THEIR PRIDE. . ."

"Eh?" The woman was confused.

"Eheheh! Nothing at all!" Tifa feigned. "All right, I'll be back when they're done!"

Income problems. . .

"How, at my age, will I find a job?" asked Jessie. "I CANNOT FIND A JOB!"

"The point isn't FINDING a job, it's GETTING a job. . .," said Holly. "I don't think we can get a job."

"Oh yeah!" Jessie said, overreacting. "If we don't get a job, Tifa will skin our hides and put our head on a mantle! She gave EVERYONE an instruction sheet, for JOBS! A sheet with job OPENINGS! But, we are YOUNG! YOUTHFUL! WITH LIVES AHEAD OF US! YET, WE CANNOT ATTAIN A JOB, WITH THIS SHEET OF INSTRUCTIONS TO-

"Go two blocks and find our new, paid apartment, thanks to the state government school system for foreign exchange students, issuing a helping hand to our allies, the British," said Holly, looking at the paper. "Not only do you start whining ON THE PORCH. . ."

Believe it or not, they were only five steps out of the house.

"But you don't read the directions, either," she sighed. "I'm questioning your 'oh-so-subtle genius', woman." A little exasperated, she plodded on without her companion.

". . .Doubting my genius?" Jessie finally said. "MY genius! I'm the smartest person you will EVER meet!"

"That really scares me, you know?"

"STOP BEING SO SMART! THAT'S MY JOB! HEY! HEYYY! WAIT UP!"

An actual computer café. . .

"You're a. . .what?" asked the manager.

"A computer analyst and technician," said Kiako, looking up at him hopefully. "I need a job! My cranky caretaker has anger management issues. . .I won't let you down!"

"Is that the BEST way to get a job?" Chikara whispered, nudging her. "You sound mentally imbalanced. Ooh, cookies! GAK!"

Kiako held onto her friend's collar to prevent her from running off. "And, this one makes rather nice coffee. Whaddya say, huh mister?" She gave him the usual, googly-eyed bit she gave to Cid.

The manager looked around a little uneasily. "Sure, but. . .your school will need to give you a work permit, first."

"WOOHOO! HEAR THAT CHIKARA! WE HAVE JOBS!" Kiako celebrated.

"Not quite yet. . .," the manager said. "And until then. . .STOP EATING THE COOKIES!"

Half a dozen were scarfed down her throat. "Shorry, shirr. . ."

"We're a little down on help, you know. . .," he sighed. "Got any friends who can help? Preferably older, so I can hire them right away. . ."

The two had very mischievous looks on their faces.

At the bookstore. . .

"Ha, ha. How does it feel to settle for less?" asked Sky, talking to Keily. "You got a bookstore job, instead."

"What do you mean? You have the SAME JOB. . .," Keily growled.

"Yeah, but. . .I had no expectations," said Sky. "Besides, it's a good thing that manager lady liked Chobits because I apparently have something of 'Chi' hair."

"Not exactly, but I think if we stuck you in a skimpy white sundress and some persocom ears, we might have a nice source of income. . ." Keily sounded a little evil by the end of that, dark circles appearing under her eyes, the mood turning somewhat murky.

Thoroughly frightened, Sky settled for less. "I LIKE BOOKSTORES! DON'T YOU LIKE BOOKSTORES! HEY, DISCOUNTS!" She panicked.

"Good girl." Keily patted her on the head. "Let's go home, shall we?"

Job competition. . .

"ALLLL RIIIIGHT!" shouted Mars triumphantly, on a café table. "I SCORED A JOB!"

"Just not a girl. . .," said Korus, absent-mindedly picking his teeth.

"SHUT UP!" Mars said bitterly. "One day, I'll land a beautiful supermodel, and we'll have fantastic, highly orgasmic sex on the beach in scenic, Rio de Janeiro. . .Then, she'll introduce me to her friends, have rough, sweaty threesomes, and-

"ALL RIGHT! DAMMIT, THAT'S ENOUGH!" said Korus. "You killed my happiness over getting a new job, too."

"What?" Mars sneered. "Too much information, oh high and mighty one?"

"No. . .," Korus sniffled. "You're reminding me of that summer two years ago. . .I do so miss that summer. . .," he sobbed.

Mars' jaw dropped. "You're kidding me. NO MAN IS THAT LUCKY!"

"Well, not in my ca- GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGAAAHHHHHCK!"

"STOP the choking. . .," said Condrugon, pulling Mars' hands off Korus. "If one is to be killing, that will be me."

"Please, murder this bastard. . .," Mars sniffled.

". . .Give me $500, and I shall do so gladly, then it must be in a private, secluded place. . .," Condrugon decided, plotting out the murder in his head. "I think he shall be buried in Oklahoma. . .NOBODY goes to Oklahoma. . ."

While a homicide was being plotted, Konoshi and Surka were battling it out for a job, in which case may result in a homicide.

"PICK ME!" both shouted, getting within an inch of the manager's face, fogging up his small, rectangular glasses.

"Eheheheheh. . .," he laughed nervously, backing away and readjusting his glasses. "Look ladies, just fill out a résumé like the rest, and I can hire-

"NEVER! IT SHALL BE DECIDED, HERE AND NOW!" the two yelled.

"YOU CANNOT STEAL THIS JOB, LIKE MY LOVE!" Konoshi shouted.

"WHAT! I'M MARRIED TO HIM!" Surka argued back. "AND, HE'S HAPPY!" Then, she shook her fist angrily. "He'd BETTER be happy. . ."

"Not in bed. . .," said Konoshi, innocently.

"HEYYY!" said Surka. "We're the SAME AGE! At least I'm not giving it up yet!"

"And?" said Konoshi. "That must mean I'm more MATURE. HAH! I CAN PUT THAT ON MY RESUME!"

"Actually. . .," said the manager, in a nervous, cracking voice. "Maybe on a doctor's form that asks if you're sexually active. . ."

Konoshi blinked. "No, I'm a virgin. I'M SAVING MYSELF FOR MY ONE, TRUE LOVE, AND HE HAS FRIGHTENING, ICY GREEN EYES, SHIMMERING, INHUMAN SILVER HAIR, AND A THIRST FOR BLOOD AND VENGEANCE. . ." She was off in her own little world.

The manager blinked several times. ". . .That sounds, erm. . .lovely?"

"She just described my HUSBAND," said Surka. "That's ILLEGAL! . . .I think. And what kind of description was that! You didn't even GET to his ass!" Now, SHE was off in her own little world. "Oh, so firm, and so round. . ."

Everyone else in the background simply fell.

"PLEAAAAAAAAAAASE!" the two squealed. "I KNOW!"

The two lifted their shirt and flashed him. "JUDGE! YOU'RE A HEALTHY GUY!"

Mars, Condrugon, and Korus magically floated over. "Nyeheheheheheh. . ."

"I dunno, guys. . .," drooled Mars. "Surka's are pretty nice and perky."

"I know what you mean. . .," said Korus. "But. . .LOOK AT THE SIZE OF KONOSHI'S. . ."

"I'm a little indecisive. . .," said Condrugon. "Both are of nice shape and size. . .but I can tell once I TOUCH. . ."

They both put their shirts back down in hopes of victory.

"Awww. . ."

"Well, um. . .," said the manager, sweating and tugging at his collar. "That's, um, a very close competition there. . ."

"HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT!" the two sobbed.

"Uh. . .You're both hired?"

"_HOW CAN YOU SAAAAAAAAAAY THAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!_" The two felt too equal. "Oh, defeat shall come your way. . .Rest assured. . ."

"Meeoowwww. . ." Cleo was sitting lazily in the backyard, yawning. "Meow. . ."

"Meow!" Hype was hopping about, chasing a little mouse. "Meoooww!" She suddenly stopped and peered next to her sister. "Meow?"

POOF!

"Cleo, help me with some mice, pleaaaase?" Hype asked in her human form.

"Meow." From a cat, it was a surprisingly flat response, and then Cleo turned her head away.

"PLEAAAASE. . .?" Hype sniffled, showing off a very googly gaze. "Myouuuu?" She sniffled even more.

"Meow." Cleo turned away again.

Hype sat there for a few seconds. ". . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .HELP ME WITH THE MICE, DAMMIT!"

"MEOOOOW!" Cleo was started, sprang up, and then glared at Hype. "Meow." Nose in the air, she finally got up and came back promptly with two mice in her mouth. "Meooowww. . ."

"Yeah, I know that wasn't so hard," Hype said in response to her sister. "So help?"

". . . .Meow. . ." Cleo spat.

"YAY!" Hype exclaimed. ". . .Eh?" She noticed the old lady coming out. "AAAACK!"

Poof!

"Eh?" The lady looked back outside, and besides the light bit of fog around Hype, Hype just mewed back and ran off. She blinked. ". . . .I ought to stop using those smelling salts. . ."

"OW!" Sometime later, a certain female blonde was kicked out of a bar. She sniffled. "Rude, these people are, well. . .rude."

Rude, the much taller, much brawnier man walked out after her, unable to be thrown out. ". . ."

She sighed. "I know what you mean. Work is hard to find in this world."

Rude, however, held up a paper. ". . ."

"What do you mean, 'a surefire job'?" she asked. ". . .You want to be a bouncer?"

Rude shrugged.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Reno was on the street, just pointing at them. "DEMON! . . .Oh, hi Rude!" he waved, cutely.

Rude raised his hand slowly and waved back. ". . ."

"Save the drinks for later, buddy. Glad you're back," Reno said, patting his friend on the back. "I was hoping I'd see you again one day. Just never put dragonlady back into the picture."

". . .?" Rude asked.

"No, not Tifa. . .," said Reno. "But she's still up for grabs if you want her."

". . ." Rude blushed.

"Oh, and look," said Reno, blinking at Elena who was quietly sobbing in the corner at her luck. "It's the scary lady with the expensive haircut. How are you?"

"HOW AM I!" Elena sobbed. "I CAN'T FIND WORK! I'M GENERALLY HOMELESS! THEY TOOK MY GUNNNNN!" She sniffled a little more. ". . .How about you?" she blinked.

"Not bad," Reno shrugged. "BUT RUDE! YOU LOOK SO THIN! You haven't been taking care of my good buddy, now have you?" Reno enquired. "Hmm?"

"Awfully hard to do that when nobody accepts gil. . .," Elena sobbed. "How much do you think my soul is worth?"

Reno laughed. "Ahahaha, not as far as I can throw you in inches. . .But you might get a slight net gain if Rude throws you."

Rude cracked his knuckles.

Laughing nervously, Elena started marching along the sidewalk again. "Okay then Reno, if you're so confident living in this world. . ."

"What?" he asked. "I'm sorry Elena, I know I'm devilishly handsome, but there are limits to-

"EW, GOD NO!" she said. "DRINKS!"

"Eh?" he blinked. "Drinks?"

"Christina? Hello? Where are you?" Tifa was wandering through the house, looking for her. "I think Lucrecia is asking the same question. . .Eh?" She stumbled across Rachel's room which she heard a noise, and when she walked in, dust was coming out of the open closet. "Christina?"

There was some loud coughing from where the dust came; a square opening in the roof of the closet. "I found the attic! I heard scratching noises, so I looked. Doesn't seem that anyone has been here anytime soon. Wanna come up?"

"Um. . .All right. . ." Tifa jumped up and took hold of the rim of the opening, and pulled herself up easily enough. ". . . .Daaaaaaamn. . ."

What she saw was is essence, dust, spiders, and cobwebs.

"Hey," said Christina, waving. "The scratching I heard was apparently-

"Raccoons," said Tifa, blinking. "They just loooove you, don't they?"

"I seem to find them," said Christina, rubbing its stomach. ". . .Tifa, spider on your boot."

"EEK!" It seems the almighty Tifa has a fear of something. "Sorry." She flicked the spider off. "Almost fell down the hole."

Christina fell over.

I guess we haven't found that fear yet.

"Cookie!" Chikara was up at the register of the café, selling coffee and pastries as people came in to surf the Internet. "Right-o! Your total is. . .$6.50!"

Mars was mopping the floor. "MENIAL LABOR! WHY AM I STUCK WITH MENIAL LABOR!"

"Making coffee isn't very scintillating either, Mars. . .," Holly yawned behind the counter. "Hey, how did I get stuck with this job?"

"You applied," said the manager. "You get $7.50 an hour. So there."

"Mm, $7.50. That won't pay for gas," Surka sighed.

"You don't have a car," said Condrugon.

"WHY AM I SCRUBBING TOILETS!" Korus shouted out of the men's room.

"Because you're a bastard who gets more than I do," Mars grumbled.

"THEN WHY AM I CLEANING THE LADIES' ROOM!" Jessie sobbed, behind the door.

". . . . . .Because you applied for a job?" Holly guessed.

"Good work!" said the manager to her. "You get paid $8.00 now!"

Holly smiled evilly at the rest, who glared angrily back.

"Oh, you'll get yours, sister. . .Just you wait. . .," Korus muttered. "I NEED A URINAL CAKE! Ugh. . .and maybe some commercial-grade disinfectant. . ."

Laura's major complaint. . .

"Doot doot doooo, duh doot doot. . .do?" Laura wandered into the seemingly empty house. "Great. It's true nobody listens to me. Hmph," she said, looking around and pausing, before she went up the stairs.

Lucrecia stood up from behind the stairs with a tape recorder, and clicked the stop button. There was writing on her clipboard, which she added to. "Nyeheheh. . .Excellent."

Tifa was walking along the sidewalk, trying to get used to her surroundings, ignoring any catcall that came her way, and the occasional stranger pointing at her and whisper. However, there was a little something obstructing her view to get used to.

Aeris came out of a building, covered with flower petals. "Huh? Oh, hi Tifa!" she waved, calling to her friend.

"Uh. . .Aeris?" asked Tifa, wondering if Aeris suddenly had a major malfunction. "Excuse me for speaking like the idiot, but. . . .What the crap!"

"Hm? Oh, right. . .," Aeris said, brushing the random petals out of her hair and clothes. "Didn't you notice?" She pointed to a sign. "It's a florist. I start Monday. I arrange and cut flowers."

". . . . . . . . . ." Tifa said nothing for a moment, and blinked. ". . . .Why am I not surprised?"

"I WAS a flower girl. . .," Aeris replied.

"In the slums, I remember. . .," Tifa sighed. ". . .You know, Aeris, if you lived in the slums, exposed to all that sex and drugs, why are you so sensitive?"

Aeris had a bit of a strained look. "Um, when someone mentions sex, it's not so bad, but when I see it, I can't help but remember I'm a virgin, then wonder about what it's gonna be like ANDANDANDANDNOWYOUGOTMESOWORKEDUPI'MSO-I'MSO-I'MSO-SOFLUSTEREDNOWANDANDANDCLOUD'SSUCHAPERV!" Aeris by this time was flailing her arms, beet red.

"HEY, HEY, CALM DOWN, LITTLE FLOWER GIRL!" shouted Tifa, bringing Aeris' arm down to her sides. "Sweet Planet, it's not that big of a deal."

Aeris again had a very stressed look. "So that means. . .It wasn't a big deal when you lost it to Cloud?"

Tifa blanked for a moment. ". . . . .It's always good to wait until you're sure," she said absent-mindedly, patting her friend's back. "Let's go." She seemed to wander off.

". . .Tifa?" Aeris blinked. "TIFA! HEYYY!" she called, running after. "I TOLD YOU SEX IS A BIG DEAL!"

Some men paused at the pair of extremely attractive women calling back to each other about sex. ". . .God bless America," they nodded. (As a random author's note, here I am at deviantart, and here I see a lovely Zack pic. . .HE'S LIKE AN ORGASM FOR THE EYES! . . .Please, ignore that. . . .A SEPHY PIC!)

After the momentary lapse of insanity. . .

"Right. . .," Laura said, disregarding being by herself. She tore through the mail on the table, (her address was still set here) and pulled open another one. ". . .AW, DAMMIT! NOT AGAIN!"

Back at La Casa de Jessie. . .

"Why were we gone?" Jessie blinked.

"Because, we were pulled over on our way to this house, and got a job," Holly sighed. "How many houses do you think were commissioned to us by the government?"

"About as many as they believe can fit all of us," figured Jessie. ". . .I think that means the cheapo U.S. government is gonna pack us in like sardines."

Sure enough, there was a number of people at their house, going to board with them, fortunately the ones they knew.

Reno was on the doorstep, laughing incessantly. "NYAHAHAHAAA! I GET A HOUSE!"

"WE get a house," Elena corrected them. "With Rude."

"Hey, I agreed with Rude. . .But no scary blonde chicks with a big mouth allowed! . . .Unless their big mouth is giving me a-

"THERE ARE CHILDREN PRESENT. . .," B.T. said, covering Reno's mouth.

"I'm gonna live with Turks?" Kiako blinked. ". . .But. . .BUT. . .CIDDY-PIE NEEDS ME!" she sobbed.

"No curfew," Reno said.

Kiako blinked. ". . .WAHOO!" She pranced around a bit. "I'm good!"

"Reno. . .," Holly said. "You're not a student. . .So why are you BUNKING IN MY HOUSE!"  
". . .Tifa said so. . .," he replied, looking around edgily. "Yes. . .HER WORD IS GOD. . ."

Everyone nodded frightfully. "Meep."

"She wouldn't let you guys stay alone, being that you're both still pipsqueaks. . .," he replied, much more casually. "You could use our divine guidance!"

"Tifa wouldn't let us stay in a house of drunk, womanizing murderers. . .," Holly grumbled.

"Hey, hey!" said Elena, defensively. ". . .You better only be talking about HIM."

"We are."

"HEY!" Reno shouted.

"Anyhoo. . .," said Jessie, trying to aid in the defense of her own house. "We're grown up enough! I have technical genius. . .And Holly can be my lawyer!"

"Certified in 32 states," Holly nodded.

"YOU'RE NOT EVEN AMERICAN!" Reno defended.

"YOU'RE NOT EVEN FROM THIS DIMENSION!" Holly retorted.

Elena blinked. ". . .She's got you there, Reno."

"Excuuuuse me. . .," said Andariel, walking up to the porch. "Fine. I CAN BE IN CHARGE OF THIS HOUSE! NYAHAHAHAAA!" she laughed, half-scary, and half with authority. "THE POWER! THE POWER!"

"But what, about us?" It seemed the other half of the house was with them.

Everyone stood on the steps. ". . .ALL of us are living here!"

If you can't imagine it, it's a rather large house and townhouse neighborhood, reachable one block from Rachel's house, and the shortcut is through her backyard, and a large neighbor's one (true, AND convenient). "No. . .," one voice from the crowd said. "We're living in this general establishment."

They blinked. ". . .PHEW!"

For one final night. . .

"So, you buncha losers. . .," Tifa grumbled, cleaning the table from dinner while everyone was in their usual mixed array to fit in the kitchen and general area. "What did you do today?"

"I got a job," said Konoshi. "And I spilled hot coffee on Surka!"  
"I got a job. . .," Surka sighed. "And I stuffed used coffee filters down Konoshi's pants."

The two glared, growled for a moment, then looks away, agreeing to disagree.

"Right. . .," Tifa blinked. "You do anything useful, Laura?"

She sobbed in the corner, holding her letter. "I found out nobody listens to me. . .I got another letter from Guam, though."

"ALL RIGHT!" Tifa continued, ignoring her. "WHO'S NEXT!"

"WHAT! HEY!"

"I. . .I'm stuffed. . .," grumbled Hype, rolled over on her side, head in Korus' lap. "THE MICE. . ."

"I'm gonna ignore that one. . .," Korus blinked, scratching Hype's head. "Kitty. . ."

"I WAS GENERALLY USELESS!" Rachel exclaimed happily.

Everyone paused.

"Oh. . .," she said. ". . .That's not really a good thing, is it?"

"No," said Mike. "Anyway, what's the point of this exercise?"

"To kill time," said Tifa. "As if we really have anything interesting to say to each other. Anyone realize how little point there is to life?"

"Naw, there's a lot to life. . .," said Rachel. "And I figure the more sadness you have, the more happiness. LIFE IS A GREAT BALANCING ACT!"

"Shut up, you Libra," said a random voice.

"I hate being balancing scales," Rachel muttered. "However, Libras are meant to be much sexy." She scooted next to Steve. "HELLOOOO, SEXY!"

He blinked, blushed, and started to sweat. "Uh. . .Hello. . ."

"STOP HITTING ON RANDOM PEOPLE!" Tifa thwacked her over the head.

"Ow. . .I could say the same to you, T-sama. . .," said Rachel, rubbing her head. "Hitting HURTS. . .Besides being pretty people, Tauruses are supposed to be damn hot, too."

"WHO HERE IS A TAURUS!" Mars shouted, looking around eagerly.

Tifa blinked, and slowly raised her hand.

"Oooooooh. . .It is the TRUTH. . .," said everyone. ". . .And Rachel is okay."

"What about STEVE!" asked Rachel, trying to defend herself.

The looked at him, then back at her. ". . .You're a fluke."

"You're all so MEAN. . .," she said, folding her arms. ". . .Aeris is an aquarius."

"HAH!" she laughed. "THOUGHT I WAS AN ARIES, DIDN'TCHA!"

Some people had some guilty looks. "Well, it would be IRONIC. . ."

"My name is AIR-ISS. NOT AIR-EEZ. I sound like a decongestant, or a scented room fragrance that way. . .," she sniffled. ". . .Why are we talking about this?"

"We ramble," Steve shrugged. ". . .WHO'S UP FOR PIE!"

"We don't have pie," Tifa muttered.

". . .Dammit," he said.

"Yes, dammit indeed. . .," Cloud said, strolling in casually like he always does. "I wouldn't mind a little Tifa for dessert, though." He grinned mischievously. "Tifa, we could always do the BANANA SPLIT-OUCH!" Afterwards, he fell in a bloody mess on the floor.

"It's about time I hit my boyfriend for hitting on my best friend," Aeris blinked. "Come, you wanton sack of sex. . .," she sighed, dragging his carcass away. "Outside, and you can get some air." She opened the door, and tossed him out. ". . .Better?"

"Better," Tifa nodded.

About one hour later. . .

"P-pudding pie. . .," Cloud muttered, in a state of delirium. When he opened his eyes, he saw an angry looking swirl of red and brown. "AHHHHH, THE FIERY GATES OF HELL!" He got a quick smack to the head.

"You suck. . ." It was Tifa's voice. "I'm bandaging your head, and that's all you can say. . ." She scooted back a bit, and he realized he was looking into her eyes.

". . .Oh," he said. "It was your eyes. No wonder I thought it was the gates of Hell. OUCH!" He received another punishing smack. "Lighten up. . ."

She pocketed the bandages, and sat down. "I hope you got another place to stay."

"Ohhh, suuure. . .," he said, feeling his head. "I have a job, I can get another place, what with this place being one weird residential district. . .Here, a lovely little cul de sac neighborhood, one block away are townhouses and apartments for lease. A mile or even less than that is a grocery store, beyond that in the area are about FIVE, and this place has about 3 schools. . .It's a place meant for living, huh?" he asked, almost sarcastically.

"Yes," she agreed. "Because, it's dull. But the less attention dragged upon us, the better. I'm moving in tomorrow."

"Lovely. You can take those bandages because without you, there'll be less fatalities," he smiled sharply. ". . .Aeris, isn't here. Wanna get busy?"

"DO YOU WANT THESE BANDAGES SHOVED UP YOUR-

"Calm down, you neo nazi!" he exclaimed. "Take a joke. Smile. Relax. Take off your shiny combat boots. . . .You ever take those off?"

"I have to be aware of any moronic activity at all times. . .So, no," she said flatly, and a little aggressively.

He sighed, lying against the red door of the house. ". . .What are you taking with you when you move?"

"Whatever I have. It isn't much," she shrugged. "I'm gonna need furniture, and appliances, and. . .I'd have Lucrecia make me some, but I fear it'll irradiate me." She held her head, in a rare appearance of weakness and frustration. "I'm not sure what I'm going to do for all that. . ."

"Then stay," he said, nonchalantly. "Nobody asked you to go, and with everyone moving out, I'm sure Rachel's family wouldn't mind supporting you for-

"No," she said, cutting him off. "I'm not gonna do that."

". . .You have some sort of dominatrix complex, don't you?" he smiled.

She shot him a very weird look. "Uh. . .Excuse me?"

"You're in charge of everything," he said, looking away offhandedly. "You're completely independent, and you want to keep it that way. You should rely more on people."

"Ah. So, you want me to be a moocher like you."

"No, that's not what I'm-HEY!" he protested. "You know why you don't have friends? 'Cause your mean and cynical."

"I have friends," she said. "There's-

"Other than people in AVALANCHE," he said.  
". . .Uhhhhhhhhhhhh. . .Lu and Shera?" She laughed nervously. "What about you, Mr. Smarty-pants?"

". . .Shut up. I ASKED YOU FIRST!" he said, looking around for an excuse. "Oy. . ." He stood up, staggering for a moment. "She's got a good left. . ."

"I taught her all she knows," Tifa said proudly, standing up as well. "Focus chi, you know?"

"Chi?" he blinked. ". . .I read that in a book in Rachel's room."

"Oh?" Tifa asked, curious if her begrudging "student" was willing to learn.

"Yeah, it was this girl with funny ears and-

"NOOO. . ." Tifa heard Rachel explain this before the last time "chi" came up. "Chi, is like a fighter's spiritual energy. You focus it, and the result is devastating. See? It cracked your thick head."

"You know what? How about if I insulted you?" he asked, a little irritated.

"Huh? What?" she asked, with a bit of a clueless look. "Your presence insults me. Come on, let's go inside." She made a hand for the door and twisted the knob. "Are you coming?"

He sighed. "Of course. But you know. . .," he said, lowering his head. ". . .We're all gonna miss you."

She paused, the door halfway open. ". . .Really?"

"I know it. . .," he said, looking away. "Sooo. . ." He turned his head, puckered his lips as if to kiss her, but only had the dry, dusty taste of leather on his tongue. ". . .Mwamphwa?" His lips were pressed up against her glove.

She had a very flat and tired look. "I could see that from a mile away, Cloud Strife. Get your dirty, lascivious ass in there. . ."

"GAK!"

She practically strangled him when she pulled his collar and flung him inside. "I swear, why does Aeris put up with you. . .?" Tifa closed the door, and tread up the stairs with Cloud at fist-point.

But they didn't quite see Aeris who was trying to sleep in the adjacent room, and was still awake.

* * *

AN3: Ahem. . . .JINGLE BELLS! JINGLE BELLS! JINGLE ALL THE-

Tifa: -FREAKING WAY! YOU WANT MY BOOT UP YOUR ASS!

AN3: PFFT! No Christmas spirit. . .We're doing the Christmas episode next.

Mars:in heaven, receiving his full body massage from Kiro: I know what I want for Christmas. . .

Mike: Why the crap did it take so long?

AN3: Hey, it COULD be Christmas in July.

Mike: . . .Keep talkin'.

AN3: Gladly! Next chapter, we see the results of the last scene, what's in Laura's next little envelope, whatever the hell Lucrecia is up to, and PAINE KISARAGI OR ANY OF HER AFFILIATES, PLEASE NOTIFY HER THAT I WILL BE ADDING HER CHARACTER BUT HAVE LOST HER RESUME! If I do no receive it before the next chapter, I cannot add it and another character will be added in her place.

Korus: Aren't there too many characters as it stands? . . .:thinks:. . .Is it a girl character?

AN3: Yes.

Korus: SEND IN YOUR RESUME!

Girls: BUT, WE'RE ALREADY THE VAST MAJORITY! WE WANT MEN!

Guys:smiling widely with flowers in hand:

AN3:drags Steve out of the crowd:

Steve: I CAN ALWAYS DREAM:looks longingly at Tifa:

Tifa:coughs and laughs nervously:

AN3:angry vein sticking out of temple: Right. . .Hey, you guys know I'm having a contest, right?

Everyone:trying to exit the room at once:

AN3: GET BACK HERE! You know, I want a new cover for the webcomic, and by the time I'm done judging covers, it should be done. Could someone please draw me a cover? Pretty please? If you want the rules, it's on the Deviantart page in my Journal. THE LINK IS IN MY BIO, FOR PETE'S SAKE! And if you don't know what Laura and Rachel look like, I'm putting up sketches in the scrap gallery! SOMEBODY, PLEASE MAKE ME A COVER! ANYTHING'LL DO! I'll draw you a commission!

Tifa: . . .We want something of VALUE.

AN3: I'M POOR! SHUT UP! I'll make you a commission of anything! REALLY! As long as it's, you know, something I know of. And if not, I'll probably be so desperate as to look it up.

Mars: Kiro fanart. :bliss:

AN3: Yes, whatever. . .Even if you believe you lack artistic talent, I'll take it! I JUST WANT AN IDEA! 'Kay? Well, I gotta go now, so send me an e-mail or a note on Deviantart to enter! Bye!


	13. Special: Too much of a Good Thing p1

Special Chapter: Too Much of a Good Thing

A/N: Well, hello there again. I see most of you are probably angry for my extended (extended, extended, extended, EXTENDED) hiatus, due to the number of bricks sent smashing through my window. So, I figured some of you may be mad. . .Or maybe, JUST MAYBE. . .HAVE READ TOO MANY FANFICS WITH PLOT! EEGAD! Never fear, I am here again to rescue you! . . .After the disclaimers. FF7 is owned by Square, LadyTifa26 owns Laura, and I own Rachel and Christina. Plus, all the other random characters are owned by miscellaneous other authors here on so if you wanna use them, don't ask me. Well, ask me if you want to know who to ask. Eheh. On to the reading.

* * *

It was 1:00, and the drone of something oddly familiar and equally annoying rang in Tifa's ear.

"What in God's freaking name. . .?" she grumbled, sitting up from the bed she was occupying that night. Slowly, she trudged her feet down the stairs, where this blue, iridescent light came, following the 8-bit musical score.

Rachel sat like zombie on the couch. ". . . . . . . .Hi," she said, turning and facing Tifa, rather deadpan.  
"Rachel, um. . .," Tifa meekly scratched her head, sighing. "Just um. . .WHAT IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY ARE YOU DOING UP AT THIS UNGODLY HOUR!"

"Godly it is, Tifa!" Rachel said, energetic, yet her face didn't change. "Godly, for you must behold the glory of-

"GLORY, MY ASS!"

Cloud snored in another room. "Why, yes, yes it is. . ."

"I feel strangely belittled. . .," said Tifa, peering out of the corner of her eye. "Look, it's too late at night to pound you into nothingness. So, let's say you STOP playing FFV and-

"YAHOO WATASHI WA KATTAZE!" Rachel shouted, throwing her arms up in the air. "KISS MY ASS, X-DEATH!"

WHACK!

A very obvious red mark was imprinted on Rachel's face.

Tifa grumbled while she trudged back up the stairs; Rachel still unconscious on the couch. "What I do for sleep. . ."

* * *

"Deedle, deedle, dee. . ." Rachel didn't quite know where she was, but it was a vague blackness that she just couldn't quite place. However, wherever it was, it played the same world map theme, which would eventually get on one's nerves after their three-hundredth battle in order to actually gain a level.

"Hey. . .Hey, lady. . .HEYA!"

"OUCH!" Rachel was knocked in the sides before color came back. "What was that for. . .?" she sniffled.

"Well, you seem like the dumb type." Christina's glowing blue eyes blinked back down at her.

"Is it morning, mommy?" Rachel asked.

Christina blinked again, before walking away. "I'm not going to justify that with an answer. . ."

Rachel sat up. ". . .Hot duds."

Christina was dressed like a hunter, in a green tunic and very "Legend of Zelda hat" with a wings, belts running across her hips, white stockings and opera gloves with stopped entirely a her knuckles. "What about them?"

Rachel blinked, and then looked down. ". . .HOT." In return, Rachel was in her white, high collar shirt, but this time had long sleeves and have a scarf with a hood, all with the traditional "white mage" pattern. On her shoulders were square plates of armor, and her boots ran a few inches above her ankles, folded over at the top, but without wings on the sides like Christina's, but had a metal buckle in the front. Immediately, she sprang up. "I'M A FIGHTER, A FIGHTER, A WHITE KNIGHT FIGHTER, FIGHTER, FIGHTER, FIGHTER, FIGHTER, FIGHTERRRR!" she sang, dancing around in a circle.

"Tell me, do you always-

"FIGHTAAAHHHH!" Rachel sang in a screechy voice.

"SHADDUP!"

Rachel sat quietly.

"Goody," said Christina. "Anyway, what's wrong with-

"Fighter," Rachel coughed.

"I should've let the wolves eat you. . .," Christina sniffled. "Anyway, I FOUND you."  
"Where?" Rachel asked. "Candy store? I love candy. You know, they're just so sugary, and sweet, and-Oh, they came out with that new kind yesterday, plus, it's SOOO GOO-

"I hate you, I hate you, I hate you. . .," Christina sobbed in her arms. "LET ME SPEAK!"  
Rachel nodded. "You do it well."

"WAUGH!" Christina screamed, clutching her head, then sighing. "Okay. I FOUND YOU IN THE FOREST. YOU WERE ALONE, AND HERE YOU ARE, IN MY TREE HOUSE."  
"Hee hee. You live in a tree house," said Rachel. "What, can't find a realtor, or are you just poor?"

"I'M A GUARDIAN OF THE FOREST!"  
"You look like a Link ripoff."

"AND YOU LOOK LIKE A CANDY CANE!"  
"Au contraire, SEÑOR," said Rachel, looking very proud of herself. ". . .Candy canes don't have triangles, unless you eat retarded candy canes."

"I DO NOT EAT RETARDED. . .!" Christina was red with irritation, before she gave up. "Never mind, never mind."

"Hah! Me so poo on you. Retarded candy canes are HOT."

Christina was fully burnt out. "I'm gonna die here, aren't I. . .?"

* * *

"What are we doing here, captain?" Rachel asked, walking through town with Christina. "OOH! ELIXIR!"  
"TOO EXPENSIVE!" Christina slapped Rachel's hand away from the stand piled with goods.

Rachel sniffled. "You're so mean, captain. . .Why are we here if we're poor? Being guardian of the forest doesn't get lotsa money, does it?"

"Actually, boatloads," said Christina. "Monster battles."

"That's a SENTENCE FRAGMENT." Rachel said. "Grammar is sexy."

"Oh, and what's up with YOU?" asked Christina, then speaking in a dumb voice. "HEE HEE! I CAST "RED PEN OF FURY"+5 SEXY!"

"YES," Rachel blinked with whole-hearted agreement. "My class is Grammar Nazi. We have the special power of SEXINESS, Madam Tree Dweller."

Christina was clutching a dagger behind her back. "MUST. . .NOT. . .KILL. . .Until an opportune time."

"Potion-atize me, captain!" Rachel picked up a bottle that said, "Potion! Now with 25 more frog's eyes, and extra Red 40!"

"YOU DON'T WANT THAT. . .," Christina coughed. "TRUST ME. . .Sure, you can have it," she then realized. "DRINK IT ALL!" She seemed very cheery.

"All right, pay the lady!" Laura appeared again in her usual dress, but now with a large black mage hat, curved staff, long blue sleeves with belts attached, and a blue cloak trailing behind her. "Oh, hi Rachel. You can have half price."

"My day keeps getting weirder and weirder," said Rachel. "What are you supposed to be?"

"Cute!" said Laura. "Oh, you mean class."

By now, Christina was about to bang her head against the nearest rock.

"Right! I'm a BLACK SORCERESS!" The area grew dark. "WITNESS MY FEARSOME POWER!" The clouds swept closer together, and blotted out the sky. "BEHOLD, FOR I AM-

"Storm!" Rachel, shouted.  
Everyone fell over. Yes, even the NPCs.

"What's a 'black sorceress', anyway?" asked Rachel. "I didn't think they had those. . ."

* * *

From far away in the town bazaar, a woman sniffed the air, and squinted her eyes with suspicion. "AN EXPLANATION IS NEEDED!" she shouted, before running off.

* * *

"Well," said Laura, "names are decided by-

"CLASS AND SPECIAL ABILITY!" The woman ran up and knocked Laura over. "You see, to be more precise in naming, you combine the class with ability. I'm a blue chemist, meaning I have all the abilities of a chemist, but also have the 'learning' ability of a Blue Mage."

"Nice see you, too. I didn't know you wore HIGH HEELS, LUCRECIA." Laura was stepped on like a doormat. "BLEEDING! AHHH!"

"Ooh." Lucrecia stepped off. "Well, in other news, LUCRECIA HAS JOINED YOUR PARTY!"  
"Yay!" shouted Rachel. "Three is better than two and a half!"  
"Half. . .," asked Laura. ". . . .I AM NOT SHORT!"  
"NYAHAHAHA!" Rachel ran off dodging all the spells Laura threw at her in a chase.

"Aw, isn't that fun?" asked Lucrecia, watching them run throughout the market.

Christina sighed. "Yeah, sure is mom. . ."

"HAH!" Rachel jumped right over a barrel, as soon as it was hit by some Bolt2.

"COME BACK HERE!" Laura was busy throwing whatever spell she could think of.

"YOUR STUBBY LEGS JUST CAN'T CATCH-WAAH!" The cart she was just dodging was sucked into another dimension. "NO X-ZONE SPELLS! OW!" Promptly, she was knocked over, after running into someone. "Sorry, lady. . .EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" At that moment, she knew fear, as the core of her being subsequently froze.

"Slacker." Tifa's demeaning voice was all too familiar. "How are you gonna pay for all that damage?"

Rachel, however, was too busy crying and praying for her soul.

"STOPPIT!"

Suddenly, Rachel stood up and saluted. "YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND, MIGHTY COMMANDER!"  
". . .Riiiight. . .Okay, but first you might wanna. . ." Tifa pointed behind her, to a mob of angry shopkeepers.

"Oh, right," said Rachel. ". . .PRESS THE L1 AND R1 BUTTONS TO RUN!"  
"NOOO!"

"HEY, YOU GOTTA PAY FOR ALL THOSE!" shouted a burly man, who apparently ran a fruit stand. Behind him was a mob of bakers, butchers, and otherwise general smiths and merchants. "PAY UP, OR WE'LL-GYAAAAHHH!"  
"YEEEEK!" Rachel was frightened by the suddenly bolt of lightning to strike the crowd and render them paralyzed. "M-mommy. . .? Tifa. . .?"

"No, and ew," said Tifa. "Good job, Laura."

"MAGIC IS FUN!" shouted Laura.  
"No it's not! NO IT'S NOT!" Rachel sobbed. "Warriors are better. . ."

Unbeknownst to her, a baker stood up behind her, held the rolling pin high in the air and. . .A dimensional wormhole opened in thin air and sucked him to the X-ZONE!

"BAKERS IN SPAAAAAACE!" Laura shouted in a Twilight Zone manner. "You gotta wonder what happens to them, you know?"

Lucrecia appeared for another explanation. "Well, their bodies would actually-

"NO!" shouted Rachel, covering her ears. "I know what happens. . .that poor man of wheat. . .Anyway, what are you doing in the land of Nod, Tifa?"

"Land of Nod. . .?" Tifa muttered to herself. "Uh-huh. Well, I suppose the same thing you're doing here."

"Buying overpriced goods?" asked Rachel. "I swear, the market for gil is getting weak these days. . ."

"No, what we're really doing here is to find someone who'll take her," said Christina. "I mean, we all know Rachel is. . .stupid."

Everyone nodded.

"THE LAND OF NOD!" Rachel sniffled.  
Then, they fell over. "ENOUGH WITH BIBLICAL REFERENCES!"

"I'm a catholic schoolgirl, I can't help it. . .," Rachel whimpered.

"Someone say, SCHOOLGIRL!" Cloud's head suddenly rested on Tifa's shoulder. "Hey there, monk of my dreams. . ."

". . .Hah. Tifa's a MONK," said Rachel. "Sounds funny."

And indeed, Tifa stood in a loose Chinese dress, hair pinned back, but still as serious as ever. "He's a knight, too."

"'Cause knights are sexy," he said. Then, he looked at Rachel. ". . .Well, most of us are, anyway."

"HEYYY!"

Laura opened up another wormhole.

"STOP THAT!"  
But now, she stepped in it.

". . . .Whaaaaat?" they asked. "Who in their right mind would-

And another appeared right beside a Red Mage. "SEXY VAMPIRE LOVE MUFFIN!"

"AHHHHH!" Laura, hopping out of the tear in time and space had then attached herself to a familiar face. "Laura, if you want to hug me, please do so in the same dimension. . ."

"I wish Cloud would tear through MY dimensional hole," Rachel sighed.

". . ." Everyone moved three feet farther away. "Ew?"

"Lookie!" Aeris, as a white mage, bounded up next to Cloud, holding a flower, smiling. "I found a florist!"  
"Should I clap for her. . .?" whispered Rachel.

Everyone else just glared with scorn.

"WHAT!"

Laura ran back up with Vincent. "VINCENT JOINS OUR PARTY! . . .With Cloud and Aeris."

"Why is that such a small announcement. . .?" she sniffled.

"Because I'm not sexually attracted to you."

". . ." Aeris backed away.

"BUT I SAID I WASN'T!"

"Doesn't matter," said Rachel, backing up with the rest of the girls.

Lucrecia didn't move.

". . .Should we be alarmed?" asked Tifa.

"About what? Huh?" asked Lucrecia. "Sorry, my mind was in the X-zone."

"I'm gonna kill whoever's making these jokes. . .," Tifa grumbled.

"I DEMAND A SPLIT!" Rachel shouted. "Somebody has to go. We can only have four people in our party."

"THAT DOESN'T APPLY HERE!"

"Does the valiant journey of courage and strength apply?" Rachel asked. "I always wanted to go on a valiant journey of courage and strength."

"The last time somebody attempted one of those died," said Christina. "Well, that happens sometimes, doesn't it?"

"I don't want that to happen. . .," Laura sniffled. ". . .Besides, can't we just send the bad guy to the X-

"ENOUGH WITH THE X-ZONE, OTHER DIMENSION, AND WORMHOLES! . . .Besides, it doesn't work with some bosses," said Tifa. "We have to defeat it using traditional methods."

"Well, that sucks," says Rachel. "Oh well, I guess the world is doomed to suffer and decay! See ya'! AHHH!" She was dragged back by Tifa's grip.

"Don't worry," said Tifa. "Nobody's forcing you to go and kill X-

"ENOUGH WITH THE-

"NO!" shouted Tifa. ". . .I have something ELSE to say."

"Ohhh. . ."

". . .X-Death," she finished. "Right. As far as I'm concerned, we don't have to be the ones to do it."

A guardsman started running up to them. "HUNTER! HUNTER!"  
"Oh, I love that anime series," said Rachel. "OW!" She received another whack from Tifa.

"Hmm?" Christina turned around.

"Hot name, Christina. Hunter?" asked Rachel.

"It's my CLASS," said Christina. "AND I'M THE GUARDIAN OF THE FOREST!"

"Link ripoff. With WINGS."

"SHUT UP!"

"Hunter. . .," the NPC guardsman said. "The forest has been breached!"  
"Sounds hot," said Rachel.

"Pervert. . .," Laura muttered.

"Wouldn't he need the Elder Branch to enter?" asked Christina.

"Seems not," replied the guardsman. "Word is, there's something he's looking for there. . ."

"Saving-word-type-mission-time?" Rachel chimed, eager.

Christina leered, as Rachel always seemed to appear as a six year-old. "Um. . .No."

"PWEASE!" Rachel broke out the puppy-dog eyes. "BARK BARK!"  
"What?"

"ADVENTURE-ATIZE ME, CAP'N!"

GLOMP!  
"GAAAAAH! FINE, DAMMIT!"

* * *

Me: Hiya.

Everyone: . . .You're such a 'tard. So. . .Was that it?

Me: Well, until next chapter. It doesn't take too long if I update like this.

Everyone: And if it took you 3 days to finish the 87 season finale, this one must be larger than a Stephen King novel.

Me: Well. . .I was just lazy. The whole summer. BUT NOW, I'M BACK!

Tifa: Is that really a good thing?

Me: . . .Yes.

Tifa: . . . .Uh-huh.

Me: Mm-hmm. I have a bunch of updates, projects. . .Did you know I was the most popular Tifa at Otakon?

Everyone: . . . . . . . . . . . .Wha?

Me: Yeah, my friend wasn't even with me the whole time, and whenever we were stopped for a picture, she counted how many people took pictures. . .And it totaled to 103. . .or 130. . .And wasn't with me the whole time. And yes, it WAS literally impossible to move from one room to another without stopping for a picture.

Tifa: Why do you think that was?

Me: Well. . .You're some sort of sex icon, so I was you, half-naked, in a skirt so short I flashed myself when I had to tie my shoes. So, I actually had someone else do that for me. Sexy steel-toed boots, though. One problem though. . .I need someone to beat off people from hitting on me.

Everyone: . . . .WHA?

Me: Well, I WAS TIFA. And you know, it was funny. . .This one guy at Otakon had this stereo with all FF7 music, and I remembered him from last year and I decided to talk to him this year, and his friend asked for a hug. . .So, we hugged and he says, "HIT IT!" and the guy with the stereo plays the FF7 victory theme. Afterwards, he says he really only comes to cons for girls like me.

Tifa: Half-naked and panties showing?

Me: Apparently.

Mars:thumbs up:

Me:coughs: Righty. And you know, the year before I went as Hana from Fruits Basket, but being a minor character, only one person noticed me. . .This year, when this little girl who was like, eight or nine with a camcorder and a chaperone found me, I was really excited 'cause she was all, "Tifa! You're my hero!". In fact, I was so excited I did my Victory Dance Moonwalk. And yes, I let her get it on tape, and she really liked it, and thought my cosplay was awesome, and it was cool she was cosplaying, too. . .And that's how I met my first fanboy. He saw the dance, liked it, and handed me the small bottle of milk he got from buying cereal from the café because he didn't want it. Didn't even know what character I was. Just saw the naked.

Steve: . . .

Mars: . . .Hot.

Steve: Say what:cracks knuckles:

Mars:coughs: NOTHING!

Me: Yeah, and so we kept bumping into each other. . .And then he asked, "WHAT COLLEGE DO YOU GO TO!" :filled with irritation:

Sky: I sense we should leave the room.

Mars: NAAAKEDDD!

Steve:leers:

Mars: . . .I'll be nice.

Me: And briefly, the next one to really attempt was in this video room and liked FF too, and asked if I was going to the Hellsing Ultimate screening later, and I said "No", because there was the dance later. . .So I avoided that one. . .But then the next day, another one, who I liked but not like that. . .well. . .he was from Ireland. . .and apparently Rachel is his favorite name, and that I was the only other Roman Catholic he met there. . .But seriously, he was nice.

Everyone: . . .

Me: NOT NICE LIKE THAT! Oh well, too bad I couldn't go drinking with him. I liked his accent.

Tifa: Drinking plus a likeable accent lead to one thing. . .At least in movies.

Everyone: SECKS!

Me: GOD NO! . . .Please, don't spell it like that.

Everyone:FALLS OVER:

Me: Oh well, I'll include more news in the next chapter segment. Yeah, we're getting somewhere, and I'm slowly getting back into it. . .It's been a while. . .I'm very rusty. . .Be patient. . .And no, that doesn't mean I'm abandoning you guys again. REALLY. Give me time, caffeine, and some crazy music. And who knows, maybe I'll post some of the AE comic on deviantart. . .:coughcrazinesscough: All right, see you next time!


	14. Special: Too much of a Good Thing p2

Special Chapter: Too Much of a Good Thing, p. 2

A/N: So, here we are again. I'd like to conclude this here, because the previous chapter was simply to put something up and end the long hiatus, and we all don't like just having intermission chapters. Which shouldn't even count as chapters. Um, anyway, moving right along. . .Squaresoft owns FF7 and its characters, LadyTifa26 owns Laura, and any other characters than Rachel and Christina belong to other authors, given their permission. Now, can we read the chapter? Ah, you're probably not even reading this part. . .

* * *

Rachel was skipping along the dirt path out of town, back to the forest she first landed in. In the party was Vincent the Red Mage, Aeris the White Mage, Laura the Black Sorceress, Tifa the Monk, Lucrecia the Blue Chemist, Christina the Hunter, and Rachel, who was of course, a White Knight. After the news came that the woods, named Moore Forest after the town of Moore, had been breached by X-Death. And so, our heroes, set forth to-

"What the crap is up with that commentary, huh?" mumbled Tifa, wondering why Rachel was talking to herself. "Are all White Knights crazy, or something?  
Laura was busy trying to send a squirrel to the X-Zone.

"Maybe not so much," Vincent sighed.

"YAI!" Laura screamed.

"You set another one on fire, didn't you?" asked Christina, with a blinding headache.

"Noooo. . .," Laura sniffled, trying to conceal the flaming rodent. ". . . IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!"

"How can you hold that?" asked Vincent, casting Ice on it.

"Fire Gloves. Absorbs fire," she nodded, after chucking the squirrel.

"WHAT?" asked Tifa. "Do you even CARE about that squirrel?"  
"It was dead. . .," she sniffled, looking traumatized.

"YOU WERE TRYING TO SEND IT TO ANOTHER DIMENSION!"

"Shhh!" hushed Christina, upon entering the forest. The forest's branches seemed to seal a path, but as soon as Christina approached, the branches unknotted their arms and gave way to the trail.

"Ooh, sexy," said Cloud.

". . ."

"What? It opened 'cause it acknowledges my sexy manhood."

"No, because I'm the guardian and it opens for me," said Christina.

Rachel blinked. "So, then it acknowledged YOUR manhood?"  
"SHADDUP!" she shouted, slapping Rachel over the head, then pulling out a long, wispy branch from a satchel at her waist.

"What?" asked Vincent. "But, how could that fit in-

"It's a game, just go with it," Christina shrugged, then set the branch on the ground.

Crickets chirped.

A random tumbleweed blew by.

The planets aligned and parted.

". . . .So, what do we do now?" asked Laura.

The stick started to move, and in a sweep, spun to the right at the trunk of a tree.

"OOOOHH!" Rachel started to clap. "DO IT AGAIN! DO IT AGAIN!"  
"LATER. . .," Christina said. "The Elder Branch says to move in that direction, and we'll find the path to X-Death."

* * *

Later on, the party walked through the emptied forest, not containing more than grass, trees, and the occasional rustling in the bushes of a goblin spying on them. The forest grew denser with the passing of time, and for while, they did not speak. For once.

"Hey, Christina?" asked Rachel. Oh well, there goes that. "Who's this 'X-Death' guy?"  
"The most people ever see of him is this figure in a long cape, and his face is concealed by a mask," she said. "It's hard to tell."

"Well gee, that's super helpful," said Laura. "I guess we can still look for some crazy dude in a mask though, huh? OW!"

Before the rest could turn around, Laura was flat on the forest floor, having tripped over a treasure chest, tangled in the vines.

"OOH, TREASURE!" said Rachel, going right to it.

"Y-yeah, thanks for the help, remind me to petrify you later. . .," Laura grumbled, getting to her feet.

"A Giant's Drink," said Rachel, looking at it.

"Ah, it increases your-

"MINE!" shouted Cloud, cutting off Lucrecia and snatching it from Rachel's hands.

"What do you want with THAT?" asked Rachel.

"Nothing," said Cloud, although winking at Tifa. "I know what you're thinking. . .'How could it get ANY BIGGER?'"  
"Last time I checked, I had to squint to even know it was there," said Tifa flatly.

"WHAT!" He quickly popped the cork on the vial, chugged it down, and proceeded the attempt to remove his pants. "CHECK ME NOW"!  
"NOOOO!"

"Ooh, a Fire Shield. HAWT," Rachel remarked, tucking the shield into her "mystical back of mystic. . .stuff". Generally speaking, that bag you never see but carry everything in, and everything mysteriously fits. "I wonder if this will come in handy. YAHHH!" A splash of fire hit beside her feet, and after a stumble, the branches cleared to reveal a new patch of forest with some crystals floating overhead. ". . . Dude, that's freaky. WAAAUGH!"

This time, Christina dove and knocked Rachel out of danger, taking the Fire Shield for herself. "They're Elemental Crystals!"  
Unsheathing her sword, Rachel made a dash and jumped, above a crystal, kicked a foot against it, and cut across another. "WELL, WHAT DOES THAT TELL ME, HMMM!" She stood in the middle, looking at the four immense crystals that seemed to radiating a strange power. "DON'T TELL ME WHAT THEY ARE, TELL ME HOW TO KILL THEM!"

"Well," Christina started, "you can't kill them, considering they're not alive to begin with." Another blast of fire came towards her, which she crouched behind the shield to absorb.

"DOES IT REALLY MATTER!" Cloud finally got in all this, and gave his share of slashing attacks, all of which didn't seem to affect the crystals. "Oh, poopy."

Tifa, however, was tearing left and right, becoming the target of the Lightning Elemental. Lunging upward, she threw a palm towards the aggressing crystal, but the power surging around it forced her backwards. "THROW SOME MAGIC AT IT!" She flipped backwards, her feet hitting against a tree and shaking the leaves.

"HOLD OONNNNNN!" Laura whined, flipping through a spellbook. The Fire Crystal hurling surge of flames, and with that she moved her spellbook aside and the fire smashed against her Fire Gloves, quickly read a line of the book, and threw it back in a ball. "KNOCK THE BLUE TO THE RIGHT!"  
"Blue to the right?" Rachel blinked, eyes moving over the battlefield, and spotting the blue crystal of ice. "OHHHH!", she said, but then realized, ". . . "

. . .AND THEN REALIZED. . . .

". . . ."

. . . .GET ON WITH IT, DAMMIT! "BUT I CAN'T GET THERE!"

A clap was heard; a green form had already hit the blue crystal from the left, knocking it somewhat to the right, but the fireball was already too close.

"KILL THIS THING ALREADY!" Christina shouted, pulling out an arrow while jumping. She was moving to a tree when it hit; she flipped and dipped the arrow into the fire.

"Show off," Rachel mumbled.

The fire cracked the ice; a few shards fell. It still held.

"Cover your eyes!" Christina, landing squarely on a branch, shot the fire arrow straight into the heart of the ice, splitting the shards everywhere.

Laura cast a shield, Cloud smashed them with his sword. Tifa knocked them away effortlessly, and Rachel, well. . .

"HOTCHAHOTCHAHOTCHA!" Rachel scrambled, and finally ducked behind a tree. "WAIT UNTIL I'M NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF THEM, WHY DON'TCHA!"  
"You're expendable," Christina shrugged. "Hotcha hotcha hotcha?"  
"I MAKE THAT NOISE!"

"OH HO HO HO HO!"  
"But I don't make THAT noise. What was that?" asked Rachel.

The shards splintered and disappeared, but what came was a warrior cloaked in red, with a familiar black head of hair.

"Hey, that's kinda funny," said Vincent. "It sounds like me."

". . ."

"What?"

"Where WERE you?" they asked.

"What, did something happen?"

"AHEM!" The red clad warrior stepped forward, with the red helmet still shadowing their face. "Does nobody appreciate a good introduction these days?"  
"Not unless you're hot," said Cloud. "But, you're probably fugly with the helmet, huh? Well, and you're a guy."

"I AM A GIRL!" shouted the warrior, throwing off the helmet, black hair falling out. "I AM GILGAMESH!"

"Hot," said Cloud.

Tifa shot him a funny look.

"Well, what?"

"You look like Surka," said Rachel. "HI, SURKA!"

"Well, they do call me that, but the master. . ." Surka sadly turned around and sighed.

"Ah, she gave you a weird name," said Laura. "Like my pet goldfish, Fluffy."

"BUT ENOUGH OF THIS BANTER, FOOLISHNESS, AND FLUFFY!" Surka declared. "It's my job to take you down, in the name of my master!"  
The leaves crunched in the distance, like a boot tread upon them. The faint silhouette of a masked, long-haired figure came into the light of the clearing, with shimmering silver hair.

"Well, THAT was obvious," Rachel spat.

"But there's something wrong with him. . .," said Christina. "Isn't X-Death. . .TALLER?"  
"WHAT, GOT A PROBLEM WITH ME!" shouted X-Death, in a less than manly voice.

"Now I KNOW there's a problem," said Tifa. "Aren't you Sephiroth?"  
"PFFT! NO, I'M X-DEATH! AND THIS IS GILGAMESH!" said X-Death, slapping Surka on the back.

"Master, could you please call me-

"GILGAMESH! NO PROBLEM!"  
"But master, my name is-

"YOU TOLD ME ALREADY, GILGAMESH!"  
"Sir?"  
"Yes?"  
"MY NAME IS NOT GILGAMESH!"  
"OH, YOU'RE SO FUNNY, GILGAMESH! Such a kidder, this one," exclaimed X-Death.

"That's some crazy mask you got on, Mr. X-Death Man," said Rachel. "Why do you wear it?"  
" 'Cause it's HOT," said X-Death. "Don't you think so, my pretty?"

"Dude. . .," Rachel whispered to Laura. "I think the villain is hitting on me. . ."

"YOU THINK?" asked Laura.

"GILGAMESH, GO CAPTURE THE GIRL!"  
"YES MASTER!"  
"WAIT! DON'T YOU BELIEVE IN TAKING IT SLOW!" Rachel sniffled.

"As much as I enjoy the idea of Rachel being taken away, I can't let you do that," said Tifa, stepping forward.

"T-Tifa. . .," said Rachel, in a sniffle of gratitude.

"YES! SHE MAKES AN EXCELLENT HUMAN MEAT SHIELD!"

"GAH!" Rachel fell right over.

"Oh, you know I'm just kidding. It's simply not right to let an innocent person be captured," Tifa said. "It's my moral obligation as a monk."

"And Tifa's technically the leader of the party, so it's not like we have any will of our own, you know?" Laura shrugged.

Surka readied her sword and took an aggressive stance towards the party. "Any time you say so, Master!"  
"Wait, I wanna do this myself," said X-Death. "But first. . ." X-Death slid their fingers across the face of the mask, and pulling down slowly, uncovered a shock of red hair.

"Oh holy mother of God," Rachel muttered.

"Somebody say something about what?" asked Aeris, still straggling somewhere by a patch of flowers. ". . .Where did everyone go?"

"HYAH!" Kiro sped forward, and locked lips with Christina.

"HAH! HMM. . .Ugh. . ." Christina slumped to the ground, poisoned, pale in pallor.

Tifa spun around when Kiro dove out of sight. "You can't pull the same thing twice!" A rustle in the bushes prompted her attention, and her joints instantaneously pulled her to the side. But then it was quiet, and another rustle was heard, then another, and another from each bush at once.

"GROPE OF DOOM, LV. 5!" Falling from the sky, Kiro dove for Tifa, groping her. . .essentials.

"Gh!" Tifa was momentarily paralyzed. "I. . .I. . .mm. . ." Her eyes rolled back and shut as she fell with a thud.

"HEY, YOU BETTER STAY AWAY FROM ME!" shouted Laura, casting a barrier spell.

At an astounding speed, Kiro charged up and was already nose-to-nose with her. "But it takes you time to cast those spells, doesn't it? KISS OF SILENCE!" Kiro's tongue was already moving Laura's for her, but it wasn't exactly for a spell.

". . . . . .!" Laura was speechless. "!"  
"Mommy?" Rachel sobbed, hiding behind Cloud.

"RACHEL! WHITE KNIGHTS DON'T RUN AWAY!" he said courageously. "WE. . .We. . ." He strolled up to Kiro. "We don't mind sloppy seconds."

"You can't do that to us!" said Vincent, stepping forward with Cloud, but for different reasons. "Whatever attack you have won't work."  
"Don't think I'm so one-sided," she said with a wink. "LOVE TAP!"  
"What-AHHHHKKKK!" Cloud, his hands buried between his thighs, had a boot knocking his family jewels.

"Suddenly. . .," Cloud gasped, on his knees. "I FEEL THAT GIANT'S DRINK WAS NOT SUCH A GOOD IDEA. . ." And he passed out.

Vincent was petrified by the horror. "Who. . .who would do such a thing!"  
"Such a low blow, I guess?" asked Kiro, with what looked genuinely innocent. "Well, that's how we become villains, I suppose," she said, scratching her head. "But you wouldn't do a thing to me, would you?"

Vincent, with a glare, began to read for his sword and spellbook.

"Mm-mm. . .," said Kiro, waving her finger. "Look over there." The finger halted and pointed to Lucrecia, tied to a tree, shot with arrows, and knives, and daggers, the blood creating small streams to which the fell and met the roots of the tree.

Lucrecia smiled, with a tiny gasp said, "Do. . .not forget the past. . ." and her eyes fogged and stagnated.

Vincent was stunned. ". . .You. . .you didn't. . .did you. . .!" The grass began to wave, and the air grew black around him, his eyes in shadow, and-

CONK!

"Well, that's that," said Surka, whacking him over the head before he could transform.

"Goody," said Kiro, snapping her fingers; the Lucrecia became a puppet again. "Oh right, we came here for. . .Uh. . ." She stopped. ". . .Why isn't it here?"

Surka sighed and hid her forehead amidst her hand. "Sometimes, I wonder who should be the one giving orders around here. . ."

"So, where're we going, cap'n?" asked Rachel, being dragged and carried in a burlap sack by Surka. She paused for a moment. ". . . . .I have a bad feeling about that question."

"AHAHAHAAA!" Kiro cackled. "My love chamber, of course!" Very proud of herself, despite the missing article they were searching for, she had her hands akimbo. "I have a castle, with minions, surrounded by mountains, and I know you'll just love the décor! It's very evil."

"Ooh, evil is sexy," said Rachel, still very airheaded. But what else did you expect? "Sometimes, I wonder why I wasn't a Black Knight, but you know, I keep running into things and the white magic is really helpful. . ."

"I can't BELIEVE we're kidnapping. . .," said Surka, obviously becoming a little worn of being someone's lackey. "I thought you were the BIG villain! This is so low!"

"Hey now, X-Death wasn't the coolest villain, right?" asked Kiro, reminding her of the situation.

"Well. . .I guess you're right."

"HEY!"

* * *

"That wasn't a squirrel," said Aeris, popping her head of a flowering bush. Sometime along the trail, she became lost, and figured the rest would find her sooner or later.

"Nope, don't think so," said Lucrecia, popping up beside her.

"WAAH-!" Aeris' scream was smothered by Lucrecia's palm.

"Hey now, don't think you're not the only one bad with directions," Lucrecia whispered, taking her hand off Aeris' mouth. "Apparently, Rachel's caught herself in another difficult situation."

"But what else is new?" Aeris shrugged. "I set my watch to it."

"Really?" Lucrecia asked. "I set mine to the astronomical positions of the stars. The eon hand hasn't moved in ages."

Aeris was, for once in a long time, exasperated. "I sometimes think you're in a complete state of Confusion."

* * *

In the meantime, Rachel was trying to plan an escape. Unfortunately for her, she was a knight, and the only kind of planning used was busting through the front door. However, being also a white mage, she learned another type of reasoning.

"PLEASE DON'T HURT ME! MY DEFENSE POINTS ARE LOW!"

"Oh please, don't give me that," grumbled Surka. "You're a knight with healing magic; if anything, you have high defense and fair intelligence." She pondered those words. ". . .Okay, we won't hurt you."

"At least, Surka won't. MUAHAHAHAAA!" Kiro laughed again. "Ah, finally, I can put my love chamber to good use."

"But sir. . .uh. . .madam. . er. . ., you used it just last night," Surka blinked.

"AND IT FEELS LIKE AGES!" Kiro sobbed. "I can't help it if I'm a healthy young girl! With healthy desires!"  
"You can argue that. . .," said Surka, scratching her head nervously.

"Besides!" Kiro started to say, as a matter of fact. "I've never seen such a lovely young lady!"

Surka and Rachel were dead silent. ". . . .ARE YOU ON CRACK!"

"No, but the occasional tonic spiked with a little tincture. . ." Kiro had a bemused look.

"We're not going to ask," Surka and Rachel decided.

Surka continued. "Sire, you shouldn't use such substances irresponsibly. Mixed together, you'd get-

"A weaker elixir?" Rachel guessed. "I AM a white mage. . .kinda."

"Well. . .I guess. . . .WAAAH!"

"TAKE THAT!" Aeris came out of the bushes with her staff high above her head.

"Oh, so fearsome," said Lucrecia, appearing next to her.

"Hey, I tried!" Aeris sniffled.

Surka was knocked unconscious, and Rachel started to scramble out of the bag. "AIIIIIR!" Then, she saw Kiro, with wide eyes. ". . .BAAAAG!" She tried crawling back in.

"Aeris, you run over there! I gotcha!" said Lucrecia, whipping out a staff. "MAGI-HAMMER!"

"Wha?"

CLA-CLONK!

". . . ." Kiro sat very unamused, rubbing her forehead. "Owww. . ."

Aeris fell over. "THIS IS YOUR PLAN!"

"Hey, I have an attack called , but that doesn't do a thing. . .," said Lucrecia, with a nervous smile. "I learned it from a pack of strange wolves."

While the argument was going on, Kiro ran for the bag.

"Oh, right, I forgot about that."

Rachel, hearing the footsteps, curled up in a ball, awaiting the imminent doom that awaited her virginity. "OH GOD!" she sobbed. "I SAID I AT LEAST WANTED IT WITH SOMEONE HANDSOME! CAN I SWITCH IT TO WITH SOMEONE MALE! AWK!" Underneath her, she felt the bag lift and the ground disappear, and figured the end would come soon, until she heard a shout.

"HEYYY! GIMME BACK MY BAG O' SEX MUFFIN!" The shout was from Kiro.

"Tifa!" It was Aeris' voice. "You came to!"  
"Yeah, well. . .!" It was the voice carrying the bag. "It takes a while after that kind of assault!"

The opening of the bag came wide, and when the light came through, so did Rachel's through the top. "Hiya?" The leaves and the surroundings suggested they came to a tree.

"You owe me one, slacker," Tifa said to her, narrow-eyed, but with a smile.

Down below, Lucrecia was whacking Kiro with her magi-hammer. "COME ON!"  
And Kiro was running around in circles. "I AM THE GREAT X-DEATH! WAAAH!"

Aeris was absolutely confused. ". . .WHAT. THE. CRAP!"

"Well, X-Death DID suck in the game," said Rachel, scratching her head. "What happened to everyone else? . . .Tifa? . . .TIFA!"

Tifa had an arm around her, smiling. "Well, I used some phoenix downs, antidotes, echo screens. . .They're okay." In a quick pull closer, Tifa's breath beat into Rachel's ear. "Rachel. . ." She whispered, hotly. "Rachel. . .!"

"Mmm. . ."

"Rachel!"

"D-don't-

"RACHEL!"

"AHHH!" Rachel woke up with a start, and saw Tifa's face above her. "AAAAHHH!"  
Tifa was thoroughly startled. "Rachel, you were in a cold sweat, and started screaming! Furthermore. . ." Tifa's finger pointed down, and she started to look away.

"What? . . .YAH!" Rachel was beginning to hump a pillow.

"What were YOU dreaming about?" Tifa said, accusingly.

Rachel looked back up at her, complexion draining. ". . . .AHHHHH!" She ran away into a corner. "I-I promise I won't play FFV again! NEVER!"  
"Sounds good to me. . .," Tifa blinked, confused. "Whaddya make of it, Kiro?"

Kiro, however, appeared with a fox-like smile, holding some chains and a whip. "Sounds good to me, too. . .That's just more time for a little S&M!"  
"AHAHAHAAA!" The two loomed over her in the corner, hands reaching out.

"NO!" Rachel was starting to panic. "NOOOOOOO!"

"Yes. . .YESSS! . . .OW!" Mars received a punch to the head. "WHAT!"  
Mike sat beside him on the couch, after just hopping down. "You're starting to drool. It's gross."

"No kidding," said Condrugon, on the other side. "What were YOU dreaming about, anyway?"

"Uhhhh. . ." Mars was a little pink, and he drooped his head and sighed. "I can't even dream about it in peace. . ."

"Mm, good morning," said Rachel, walking downstairs into the kitchen, in some pajama pants and a t-shirt, hair already up. "What are you three doing over there? I was just sleeping there last night."

"Until I kicked her ass out of there," Tifa said, following. She yawned and stretched, before rummaging through the fridge.

"RACHIE-CHAN!" Kiro came from the hall and started her daily morning grope. "I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU ALL NIGHT, SEX MUFFIN!"

"Kiro, lemme go!" Rachel already started to pry her hands off, and then Tifa had to get into the fray.

"CAN'T I HAVE ANY PEACE IN THE MORNING!"

Mars stared and blushed. ". . .Erk. . .mmm. . ." He looked down and pulled a pillow into his lap. "S-stay cool. . .It was just a dream!"

* * *

AN3: So. . .I'm done with that.

Tifa: . . . .What the hell were these chapters for?

AN3: Well, they really serve no REAL importance, but I didn't want to wait even longer to produce a chapter. . .I mean, otherwise, we'd have to wait until December. . .

Tifa: Pfft! I'm fine with that.

Cult: BUT WE'RE NOT:sobbing:

AN3: Ah. . .Sitting here in my frigid basement. . .Chapters used to pop right out when I had that old laptop in my room. . .Here, it's so. . .inconvenient. But, my mp3 player makes it less of a burden. . .

Tifa: Burden? You do nothing but sit and produce mind-numbing sludge you call writing.

AN3: Actually, I was analyzing that very problem. . .

Laura: Oh:is now paying attention:

AN3: Y-you mean. . .YOU WEREN'T PAYING ATTENTION BEFORE:sniffles:

Laura:laughing nervously: I wouldn't say THAT. . .But go on!

AN3: Riight. . .So, I was watching Neon Genesis Evangelion, and wondering about the progressiveness of each episode, because every one was as important to the plot as the last, whereas there are so many expendable ones of AE. Well, if it weren't a comedy series. About generally nothing, but you know, AE means a lot to me. Really. I feel there's so much latent potential I'm not tapping into, and there are so many ways I can fix plot gaps. I really intended more for AE, but then I just get caught up in the. . .nothingness.

Tifa: That's what I call "understatement".

AN3: YEAH WELL. . .:shakes fist: So, I will fix this, but instead of rewriting every last episode. . .I will. . .:drum roll: INCLUDE IT IN THE COMIC!

Laura: . . .Comic?

AN3: YES! I AM WORKING ON IT! WE'RE GOING STRONG! You know, if I could've just been happy with all the other ways I started the comic. . .There were so many times I had to redo and then scrap the beginning, because I didn't want to start it off and have the same material as the fanfic, and trust me, that was ONE beginning, and it just didn't satisfy me. But, I came up with an idea, so strange, so outlandish, it had to be used for AE.

Tifa: I'm dreading this.

AN3: WE'RE STARTING IT WITH AN OPENING THEME SONG!

Crickets:chirping:

AN3: What?

Laura: Um, as your humble advisor, uh. . .WHY! WHAT? HUH!

Everyone: ARE YOU ON CRACK!

AN3: Well, if THAT isn't the question of the day. . .In all this time, and all this thinking of the future of this fanfiction, and perhaps, one day making a few flash movies of this totally whacked out series, I've heard a lot of songs I could put to AE. . .But then, I selected what I thought would be the best to put to paper. . .Not the easiest, but the most fun.

Tifa: And, what song?

AN3: . . .Ready Steady Go?

Tifa: . . .We are so doomed. :packing up bags:

AN3: WAIT! IT'S LIKE, ONE GIANT CHASE FOR MY BLOOD!

Tifa: . . . :stops packing: Go on. . .

AN3: This particular opening seemed good because it was a lot like how one average day in the first season would be. In the opening, Tifa kicks my ass out of bed, everyone starts getting ready. . .Some other gags. . .Like when Cloud first shows up, you only see from his waist up and we all look at him funny, and when he looks down to see what we're all staring at, he seems to have forgotten his pants.

Tifa: And I thought the comic was going to be less stupid.

AN3: WAAIIIIIT! And then he runs off, it shows the outside of the house at Nibelheim then the camera settles in front of Tifa's house, Laura and Cloud walk in, and when it's about to hit refrain. . .BAM! The windows and edges of the door explode with smoke. Subsequently, the door flings open, Rachel darts out, and then Tifa. Gags ensue.

Tifa: This better be good. . .

AN3: Ah well. . .The site is actually ready to be put up, I just need to prepare all the images and we can set up shop! I'm planning a page to be put up on the weekend, and then we have a small serial panel comic to fill up about every other day. Furthermore, I'm getting my hands on some copic markers, so I hope to fully color the first comic, and then the first few pages of every other chapter. The panel comic will be in black and white, but if I get rich enough, I might use some screentone. I need some sakura pens, too. . .But, fortunately, I'm getting some money, and the pens are a gift, so. . .:laughs evilly: Everything is falling into place! And as for the flow of the AE comic, I hope to include more about each character. It all makes sense to me, but because I keep forgetting some plot elements that would make it all go so much smoother. . .Heheh. Because I've had so much time to stew on the series, I hope the comic will include all those juicy tidbits I've been forgetting. So, you can see how all the AE FF7 characters have adapted into the people they are, and. . .Actually, I think the only character whose had that kind of exposure is Tifa, but it's not very good, is it?

Tifa: Not so explanatory, no.

AN3: OKAY! LET'S DELVE INTO TIFA'S MIND!

Tifa: Um, how about not?

AN3: Don't be such a spoil sport! To put it simply, if you didn't pick it up the first time, Tifa really cares about Rachel, it's just that-AHHH:is being gagged:

Tifa: WHY DON'T YOU LET THEM FIGURE IT OUT FOR THEMSELVES:lets me go:

AN3: FINE! FIIIIINE! But not all of us are so smart! I mean, this IS the Bush Administration!

Rufus: Everything would be so much better if I were in office.

Reno: Hai, kanchou!

Rufus: STOP CALLING ME "CAPTAIN"!

AN3: Or "spy", as both are interchangeable. . .Did you love Advent Children? I love Advent Children. And I don't know what those tards were thinking when they made Tifa lose. TIFA ISH THE AWESOMENESS!

Cult: HEIL TIFA!

AN3: YES! MUAHAHAHAAA! Reno asserts his hilarity and sexiness quite well. I thought Rude was kinda hot.

Rude: …:blushes:

AN3: He's so sweet! And am I the only one who craves more Loz? Dude. I saw him from behind. His ass is SWEETNESS. WRAPPED IN BLACK LEATHER.

Everyone:backing away: Ewww. . .

AN3: WHAT! It's not like there's any chance Kadaj doesn't crave some buttsex! I can't imagine him with a girl, can you! Anyway, it's great to see Advent Children. Considering AE Season THREE will cover it!

Tifa: Oh dear God. She's planned another one.

Aeris: B-but. . .aren't I. . .dead?

AN3: Yeah, and you're supposed to be. What we're all checking out here is how Advent Children works into AE. And I do have a set amount of seasons in store. We're not even halfway through yet. I could TELL you right now how many seasons there are. . .But. . .well, as Tifa says, why not let you guys find out for yourselves?

Cult: SHE'S WRONG! TELL US!

AN3: Maybe if you're dying to know. I won't announce it here, but if you wish to know by popular demand, just leave it in a review, or IM me if you already do. . .It's lovely to hear from you on IM; I have great fun with it. In other news. . .Wait. No. There's something else that needs addressing. CLOUD'S SHEER HOTNESS. DID YOU SEE HIM IN THAT ENDING SHOT! AND VINCENT'S VOICE! THE WALKING ORGASMS IT INSTILLS! And Sephiroth. . .THE WAY HE FIRST SPEAKS. . .:swooning:

Tifa: She's lost it.

AN3: Hey, these notes are really long, aren't they? Well, there's a lot to update! I haven't been doing this in a long time! As for conventions, I'm thinking of going to Katsucon, but I might not attend if my parents don't let me. . .Oh, I'm 16 now, by the way. . .

Tifa: That's really random.

AN3: Yeah, but then shouldn't Rachel be! You know, that's the legal age in Maryland. THE AGE OF CONSENT.

Kiro:smirks:

Rachel: Mommy?

AN3: Yeah, we sure have a time gap since I wasn't updating. . .That's a problem. . .:sighs: But, I'll have it taken care of. . .There probably won't be a birthday episode, considering if I do make one, we'll be all behind again. But as for the next episode, it will be another special episode, but it will be all applicable to the plot. Although, it won't really go so far in the plot, it just has character relationships in it.

Laura: Do I FINALLY have wild, tantric sex with my Vinnie?

AN3: Noooo. . .Months ago, I received a review or e-mail or SOMETHING from Keily, about an episode about her brother. . .I haven't actually found where I stored the e-mail yet, but if I remember correctly, November is a special month because I think it's the month her brother died years ago? Anyway, it's about all that and stuff. . .I find it something good to make, especially because I have a similar situation.

Tifa: You're both Asian?

AN3: Shaddup! It's deeper than that! Well, I have two brothers I don't know, really. One died when he was 16, and I'm not even sure I was born yet. The other moved away to the Phillipines for college, and I don't know if I've met him either, but I probably have as a baby. . .But he blew his whole tuition on drugs, alcohol, and women, so. . .Yeah, it really has an effect on me. I guess I view this as a way to express myself, as well as another person's perspective, and come on, it's a sweet story! Er, um, okay, I'll wrap this up here.

Everyone: . . .We're not complaining.

AN3: It's too long, anyway! Um, more updates later!


	15. Chapter 11: Excuses

Chapter 11: Excuses

A/N: Well, hello there, my people. I'm still breaking out of hiatus mode, and am currently busying myself with finishing art projects. School? Pfft, when I disappear again is when I get swamped. And no, I probably won't be doing anything then, just coping with being swamped. Being a junior in high school is tough. What? Ah, I remember when I started this the beginning of freshman year. . .Um, but anyway, I digress. FF7 is property of Squeenix, Laura belongs to LadyTifa26, and all other characters belong to their respective writers/reviewers. As for those updates I promised last time, I put them up on my deviantart journal if you wanna take a look. . .Or not. I'm self-conscious, anyway. Heheh. Enjoy.

* * *

"There is no such thing as algebra," Rachel squinted, stepping inside the house.

It was Winter now, and deep into November, when the wind picked up and chilled the nearby lakes. As much as people think Maryland is in the south, it still gets frosty, and no, it's not really a southern state (It's MID-ATLANTIC. Hah, gotcha there. Hey, I live there. DO NOT DENY THIS TRUTH! I SHOULD KNOW! . . .I'm sorry for scaring you).

"Oh, nonsense," said Cloud. "Math is sexy!"  
"He suddenly seems so appealing when he says that. . .," Lucrecia sighed dreamily, stepping inside with the group. "But, we all know he's just a dumb blonde."

"But he's so pretty. . .," said Rachel.

"It's the math," he said, proudly.

"But, grammar makes ME sexy!" Rachel protested.

"And lo, see how much it's done for you," said Tifa, ushering them inside. "I didn't even know Cloud could count, but hey, I guess you learn something new every day. Like how many slackers will follow you to mooch."

Mars, Condrugon, and Mike were sitting around in the living room, lazily watching the TV.

"Hey, we have jobs. . .," said Mike. "It's just not apparent right now."

"Work hard, play hard. . .," said Condrugon. "Believe me. . ."

"Says the man, scratching his ass," Tifa sighed.

Slowly, Condrugon removed his hand. "Sorry."

"Hey, I'm back," said Keily, looking exhausted.

"You work at a bookstore," said Tifa. "It can't be that hard."

"Long hours, stupid people. . .," she replied, scratching her head. "I'd just like a long nap, and a little-RUFFY-KUN!"

"Say wha-AHHHHHHHH!" Faster than a speeding bullet, Rufus was down for the count. "FOUL GIRL! RELEASE ME!"  
"I remember those days. . .," said Vincent, watching them.

"Ah, sweet they were," Laura smiled, becoming nostalgic at the fangirl-induced violence. "Remember that time I de-pantsed you in front of everyone?"  
"And they saw my heart boxers and made 'Valentine' jokes all week?" Vincent asked. "Of course I do," he said more lovingly than embarrassed.  
"Ah, sweet days they were. . .," she sighed.

"Ruffy-kun. . .," Keily muttered, snuggling. "Didja miss me?"

"Like rape," he grumbled. "Of my ARM. Oh please, it's a white jacket! Don't make a mess of it!"

"Well, it's not like I want you for anything DIRTY," said Keily. "You're like. . .Y'know. . ."

"Ew, you like cousins!" he spat.

But she was already someplace else (like a fangirl always is in her mind), and likewise strode off without so much as a hint.

"Weird," said Lucrecia.

Christina, coming in with her book bag from the cold, looked at her strangely. "Well mom, you're one to talk."

"Hah! Well, point taken," said Lucrecia, slapping her daughter heartily on the back. "Don'tcha just love her!"  
"O-OW! MOOOMMM!"  
"Oh yes, like leeches," Rachel replied. "What's for dinner? YOWCH!"

Christina briskly stomped on her foot and went the same direction upstairs as Keily.

"You all have attention spans of lab mice," said Tifa. "Didn't you notice Keily was acting strangely?"

"How is that any different?" asked Rufus.

"Who's Keily?" asked Cloud. "YOWCH!"  
Tifa briskly stomped on his foot and shot him a look. "Don't be stupid!"  
"It's hard. . .," he whimpered.

She regained her composure. "Normally, she doesn't release him for hours. Laura, you know the phenomena."

"Righty," said Laura, breaking out the charts and graphs. "Here you see the fangirl brain. . ." She took out a laser pointer and circled around the medulla oblongata. "This controls such functions as respiration, like lungs, the heart, etc," she explained. "Now, say she couldn't get her daily dose of glompage. . .IT WOULD EXPLODE! KABOOM!"

Everyone eyed her skeptically.

"Oh, fine," said Laura. "Lucrecia, how do you get all these people to believe you?"  
"Oh honey, I've got a PHD!" said Lucrecia, randomly taking out a picture frame. "I take it with me everywhere. It gives me +5 authority!"

"Rachel, keep her away from your videogames. . .," Tifa whispered.

"I can't help it. She's from one," Rachel whispered back. "Like you, but with extra crazy."

"Right. . .," Laura sniffled. "Anyway, the point of the matter is. . .," she said, walking away from the display, "she's a GIRL."

". . .Uh-huh," everyone nodded. "So?"  
"Really?" Rufus blinked. "Well, I hadn't a clue in a world."  
Then, everyone stared at him.

"It's SARCASM; every evil villain has it. . .," he said passively. "You guys stare at me so unbelievably like a woman at the Neverland Ranch."

"What I'm trying to say is, that she's a girl so you can try as much as you like, but you'll never crack it," Laura shrugged. "Well, I can, but that's 'cause I'm a girl."  
"I still don't get it," said Rachel.

"Well, that's 'cause you're you," said Tifa. "I think the problem will become more apparent as the evening continues, and even if it doesn't, it's Keily. She's practically never down about anything."

"I bet it's that time of the month, huh?" Cloud smirked.

The girls glared at him menacingly. "Say what?"  
"N-nothing!"

* * *

"Heyyy, Aeris," said Cloud, landing next to her on the couch. "What's up?" It was after dinner, and everyone was settling into his or her normal little corners.

"Hmph." Aeris apparently had nothing to say to him.

"Oh, c'mon," he tried again. "What's got your panties in a bunch?"  
With that remark, she leered at him out of the corner of her eye.

"What? What?" he persisted.

She stood up, hands on her hips, before turning and going down the hall. "Dumb blonde!"

"Haaaaah?" Cloud whimpered. "What is UP with women these days?"

"No clue, man," said Mike, sprawling about in a recliner. "Christina won't even spend time with me."

Cloud narrowed his eyes. " 'Cause you're generally using her for sex."

"Well, I haven't gotten that far, but I tell ya', it's not like I wouldn't mind!" he said, scratching his head with a smile. "H-wha!"  
A dark, looming shadow appeared above him, eyes glowing. The apparition clutched a monstrous blade, capable of slitting through all the veins in a man's body. Seething, it spoke, and suddenly diminished in stature. "THAT'S MY DAUGHTER!" Cloud sobbed.

"Oh, right. . .," thought Mike, having it just come to him. ". . .You know, nobody really recognizes that."

He scratched his head. "Yeah, well. . .I just have no clue what's up with girls these days."

"You could always buy her presents, butter her up a bit," Mike suggested, shrugging. "Girls love that pampering, fu-fu crap."

"I remember the last time I buttered Tifa up," Cloud reminisced. "Well, really oiled, but it was very nice. . ." He was sucked into a vortex of nostalgia.

"Suddenly, aside from blondeness, I realize why you're so confused with girls. . .," Mike grumbled.

* * *

In the meantime where people where not focusing on oily, naked women, Keily sat at a desk, jotting down a few notes, thinking to herself. Hey, it can happen.

"Yosh," said Rachel, popping in. "Whatcha doin' at my desk?"

"Making a few plans," Keily replied, sticking the pen behind her ear. "What are the odds of Ruffy-kun agreeing to go out with me?"  
Rachel looked at her oddly for a moment. "You said he reminds you of your brother."  
"Yeah, but I don't mean like a date," said Keily. "I just wanna take him out for a day."

"I'd say you have the same chances as a second Meteor," Rachel said.

"So, pretty good, huh. . .?" Keily pondered. "All right! I'll do it!" She hopped up with her list and ran energetically out of the room.

Rachel merely watched and sighed. "Man, I wish I could ask Cloud out."

"Ew," said Christina, head dangling out from the entrance in the closet ceiling. "You like older guys?"

"Well, I- HEY!" Rachel looked up at Christina, a little angrily. "If you have such an issue with me liking your. . .DAD. . .," said Rachel, really thinking about it, "then you're gonna have all sorts of problems when you realize I'm not the only girl who does."

"Oh, I know," said Christina.

* * *

"Mommy. . .," Jessie sniffled, tied up in the corners of the attic. "Holly! Use your awesome ninja skillz!"

"What. . .?" asked a confused Holly. "I'm afraid all we can do now is sit and wait. Or, scream for help, but Rachel's the only one down there that can hear us."

"Yeah, that's no use. . .," Jessie sighed. ". . .MOMMY!"

* * *

"What was that?" Rachel blinked.

"Oh, it was nothing," Christina said, innocently. "So, stop bothering my dad. It's not like he likes you."

"It's not like he pays much attention to YOU. . .," Rachel grumbled.

But Christina was far from deaf, scowled in a more hurt than angry way, then shut herself up in the attic once more.

"Huh?" said Rachel, pulling a Tidus. "Ew, I have to stop doing that. . .," she said, absolutely disgusted, and walked out of her room.

* * *

"Ruffy-kun, Ruffy-kun!" Keily dashed forward, towards the white-clad semi-villain.

"What, what. . .?" he sighed. "Look, if you're gonna rape me, try the other arm. . .A little differentiation is nice. . ."

Keily stared at him strangely. "What? Oh, well, anyway, you're going out with me tomorrow!"

"I didn't agree to anything like that," he said.

"Yay, you're going out with me!"

"Are you making me go against my own free will?"

"Now Ruffy-kun, I want you to wear your best suit!"

"But, I only have o-

"And then, we're going to go out and buy a few things!"

"TAKE A BREATH, YOU INSUFFERABLE BAG OF AIR!" he shouted.

She pouted, and leered at him angrily. "YOU SAY WHAT!" Thrusting her hands forward, she grabbed his face and started pulling his cheeks. "I DECIDE TO TAKE YOU OUT AND DO A BUNCH OF NICE THINGS, AND YOU INSULT ME! THE NERVE!"

"HEH NEHVE!" He shouted back, her thumbs pulling apart his cheeks making pronunciation obviously difficult. In turn, he began doing the same. "AH SEENK 'OO 'AVE MO' NEHVE 'AN ME! FOH'SING ME!"

"WAI, WAI. . .!" she began. "WAI. . .Wai, 'oo soun' Frenshe."

"FRENSHE!" He started pulling harder. "GRRRR!"

"GRRR!" She was prompted to do the same.

Reno turned the corner, and found this great battle of will. "Oh, great leader!" He bowed to the mighty diplomatic skills of the president.

"SHU' UP!"

* * *

The next day, Keily resolved to set out early with Rufus. She wanted to make the destination by about noon to mid-afternoon, so they headed out as soon as the last of the sun departed with the eastern reaches of the horizon. But as to whether he realized where they were going was another thing.

"Where in the Planet's name are we going?" he asked.

"Someplace special," she winked. "And it's fine to say 'where on Earth', y'know?"

"Earth? What's that?" he asked. "You better not be making up some weird-ass, fangirl land."

"No, not at all. . .," she sighed. "Here!" She grabbed his arm and started a proud march down the sidewalk. "March with me!"

He fell forward slightly, until he started to pick his legs up high and start marching, chest thrown out, much like Keily.

"SING WITH ME!" she shouted. "RUFUS SHINRA! RUFUS SHINRA!"

"OH GOD!"

"NEW AGE PRESIDENT!"

"HELLLP! HARRASSMENT!"

All the while, Cloud and Tifa watched them off at the front door. "Ah, so cute together," Tifa sighed, and chuckled. "Makes me wonder where they're going, huh?"

"Well, wherever it is, he's sure not to like it. . .," said Cloud. "And, speaking of cute couples. . ."

Tifa leered at him, almost slightly disgusted.

"No, no, I mean I wanna ask you what's up with Aeris!" he said, trying to explain himself. "D'you know why she's been acting so weird lately?"

"You're such a dumbass," she sighed, waving her hand flippantly. "It makes me wonder if you've been unconscious to everything you've been doing for over a year."

"Wha?" he said, cluelessly.

"That's good enough an answer for me. . .," she shrugged. "If you want to know what's wrong with her, stop flirting with me and start paying some non-sexually related attention to her, you helpless sack of sex. You don't even get how much that can hurt a girl, but then again, all that hair gel has probably seeped too far into your skull that all functions have ceased."

"They oughtta make a warning label for that. . .," he pondered.

"You're not even listening, are you?" she asked, simply unable to comprehend what (or likely, what doesn't) happen in his brain.

"I am, I am. . .," he sighed, then waving his hand much like she did. "I. . .I'm sorry. . ."

She raised her eyebrows, and sighed, walking back into the house. "Say that to Aeris, not me. . .Though. . .," she continued, even when stepping back inside, "that apology is duly appreciated."

He stood next to the opened door that half-expected him to step in. "Hmph. . .," he said, shaking his head. "Girls are weird. . ."

* * *

"So, Ruffy-kun. . .," said Keily, browsing some bouquets of flowers. "What do you think looks pretty?"

He stared blank at the face of the question. ". . .Well. . .I'm certainly not asked THAT very often. . ."

"I'm sure you have a good opinion. . .," she said, peering closely at the flowers. "Well, what do you think Aeris would choose?"

"That one!" Aeris stepped out and picked up a bouquet beside the one Keily was inspecting. "Do you like it?"

"Aeris?" Keily blinked. "You work here?"

"Well, it IS a florist. . .," Aeris shrugged. "I've always wanted to work at a flower shop, but being that flowers don't grow in Midgar and I had the only patch. . ."

Rufus' eyes narrowed, in a very 'plotting manner'. "Nyess, you could've cornered the flower market and built yourself your very own flower monopoly, a floral empire. . ."

"Ruffy-kun?" asked Keily, wondering if he was listening to himself.

Aeris laughed nervously. "W-well, it's not like I had the means to make my own shop. . ."

"Sell them on the street, perhaps hire a few workers, give them a cut of the profits, and eventually expand. . .," he smirked. "BRILLIANT! I demand that you incorporate me in your scheme!"

"Ruffy-kun, I don't think Aeris 'schemes'," Keily quoted.

"Ah, what beautiful profit we shall make together, mon cherie. . .," he said with all the charm and charisma in the world, taking her hand and kissing it. "That is, if you'll have me."

"Riiiiight. . .," said Aeris, shifting her eyes warily to see if she was on some hidden camera show or something. "I think I'll just ring these up for you. . ." And off she went, bouquet in hand.

"Oh yeah," he smirked, confident he won the battle. "She wants me."

"You okay now, Ruffy-kun?" Keily asked, looking at him like he had a head condition, which he probably did. "You were talking funny to Aeris."

"So?" Rufus said childishly, folding his arms. "You don't know the business world."

" 'Least I don't sexually charm people into agreeing with me. . .," she mumbled.

"Um, here you go." Aeris returned, holding the flowers at the bottom in a plastic bag. "Keep it in there to hold the moisture."

"Why, thank you?" he said with a sparkle in his smile and a twinkle in his eye.

She looked a touch frightened and backed away. "Ahem. . .Um. . .You have a nice day, Keily."

"Thankee!" Keily said, spinning around and grabbing Rufus' arm. "See ya'!" She began to march off much like before.

"H-hey!" said Rufus. "Why don't I get wished a nice day!"  
"Come on, Ruffy-kun. . .," Keily urged. "Leave the nice flower lady alone."

"B-but-!"  
"LEAVE HER ALONE! DO IT!"  
"AHHH!"

With a nervous laugh, Aeris wondered when reelections in the other world would be.

* * *

"I. . .I think I see my mumsy. . ."

"You're looking at her picture, dimwit," Holly grumbled.

They were no longer tied, but it seemed they were having more like a party. Just newly released, after Christina had forgotten leaving them there, she was sitting down in front of them like in a circle, with some food and drinks.

"Hahaha, you're right," Jessie said, tucking the picture away. "Nothing like good ol' mumsy. Y'know, when she wasn't being a pain in the ass."

"I can't believe nobody censored that. Anyway. . .," Holly continued. "What's your deal, oh Queen of the Raccoon People?"

Christina eyed them drolly. "Yeah, well. . .This is a PG-13 fanfic, we can insert some language in some places. . .Here." She had brought some breakfast up to them. "Sorry about leaving you guys stranded. . ."

Holly took some orange juice and a pancake. "I know everyone here isn't exactly NORMAL. . .," she began, taking a bite, "but tying us up in the attic? Weirder things have happened, but I didn't think you'd be one to chip into the effort."

"Sorry. . .," Christina apologized. "It's me. . ." She started the scratch her head nervously.

"How sho?" Jessie's mouth was full of toast. "Ah! Ow. . ."

Holly landed a swift one on the arm. "You really think we're privy to that?"

"No, no, it's fine. . .," Christina replied. "It's my dad. . ."

They became googly eyed. "Ah yes, your dad. . .," they sighed, dreamily.

"Stoppit!" Reluctantly, Christina just let them be. "Well, you know him. . .He's not exactly the brightest bulb, but he's a sweet man. . .Although, he always seems to be chasing after one thing or another headlong. . ."

"You're jealous he's not paying attention to you, or rather, maybe you're worried?" Holly said, curiously, but knowingly. "It seems rather plain you love him. . .Is it something else?"

Christina was impressed. "Perceptive, aren't you? Unlike your friend. . ."

"I AM A GENIUS!" Jessie shouted, a pancake dangling in her teeth.

"Yes, a self-declared one that doesn't count," Holly mumbled.

With a sigh, Christina continued. "There aren't many people I can really talk to on the subject of myself, other than mom. . .And she's crazy. . ."

The two nodded in unanimous agreement.

"I mean, given, she's a nice lady, but a bit of a head case. . .But, sometimes I don't know whether she thinks of me more as her daughter or her creation. . .I just want someone who looks at me like another person."

"Ah shink yer ah pershon," said Jessie, raising her hand.

Holly refused to know her.

"Heheh, well, thanks. . ." she laughed, nervously. "But when I spend time with dad, we can talk about anything. And I don't feel as if he's staring through me like some sort of THING, I mean, it's like. . .You know. . ."

"You're another person. . .," Holly nodded. "I guess talking to the person who artificially created you doesn't cut it?"

"Yeah. . .," Christina said with a little embarrassment. "Sorry to bring this issue upon you, but could I ask you to. . .maybe hold off on dad for a little?

"Oh, fine. . .," Holly said. "Hear that, Pancake Cheeks?"

"Ah dun wanna!" Jessie sniffled. "He's too sexy!"

". . ." Naturally, Christina wasn't all that used to hearing that about a parent.

"Heheh," said Jessie. "Anyway, I think the person you need to worry more about is Rachel."

"There's always something to worry about with her, whether it's ticking someone off, or sharp corners. . .," Christina said. "It's gonna be hard, but I'll reason with her, if she'll listen."

"I wonder why the two of you don't get along. . .," said Jessie. "How'd it start?"

Christina shrugged. "That's a mystery to me, too."

* * *

"What's going on now?" Rufus was standing on a street corner, beside a bus stop sign. "You don't expect me to walk on here with. . .PEASANTS, do you?"

A few people sitting on the bench just looked at him rudely and tried ignoring him.

"Ruffy-kun! Watch your manners!" Keily scolded. "You're not the president here!"

Again, the people on the bench had these odd looks, and turned away.

"Well, I still carry my dignity," he said proudly. "And you haven't even told me where we're going yet!"

"It's a special surprise," she smiled softly, making slight eye contact with him. "And, I'd like it if you didn't press further."

He was taken a little aback with her statement. He hadn't been treated like dirt since he was a kid, by his own father. Well, her treatment wasn't so bad, but. . .He was important, so why put up with all this? However, he regarded that he already made himself look like a fool, so he kept his mouth shut.

Keily noticed the effort. "Heh. Thanks," she grinned. "Here it is!"

The bus creaked (yes, CREAKED) to a stop. The bus doors hissed open, and a dirty looking stair awaited their step up and inside.

Rufus couldn't believe the condition of this particular vehicle. Oh sure, buses normally weren't like this. . . _"I should keep a note of this when I run for re-election. . ."_, he thought, staring a little incredulously.

"Come on!" Keily was already inside. "Gonna sit there and stare?"  
He rolled his eyes and followed her. "This better be good. . ."

* * *

"Aeris! Aaaeeeriiiiis!" Cloud called throughout the house. "Hmm. . ."

"She's not here right now, please leave a message. . ." Tifa was sitting at the table, feet propped up, reading a newspaper, which she now set down with a smile. "Taking my advice, are we?"

"Hey, I'm getting nowhere as it is. . .," he replied. "Where is she?"

"She's got a job, while you haven't been paying attention, AGAIN. . ."

"News to me," Rachel replied, sitting in the living room.

"You don't count," Tifa said. "Righty, well she'll be back around five."

Cloud bowed his head in defeat. "I'm never gonna talk to her, am I. . .?"

"Well," Tifa said, looking the other way, "she goes on break in an hour. . .You. . .COULD always call her. . ."

"Right!" Cloud said, finally putting two and two together. "Now I see why you're the brains of the operation." He walked forward and bent down as to give her a quick, thankful peck on the cheek when she held up a glove.

"Less flirting, more calling, Cloud," she reminded.

"Fine, don't let me say thanks," he said, walking away. "Just LET this studly man walk away from you for another girl. . ."

Tifa rolled her eyes and smiled, going back to her paper.

"Tough, eh?" asked Rachel, sitting on the floor in front of the TV. "I think you still like him."

"And as always, you're wrong. . ." said Tifa, hardly paying any attention, looking through the editorials. "Nobody would want a brainless guy like that. . ."

"Three girls pursuing him and yet, ah, he didn't notice. . .," Rachel replied, trying to instigate something. "Or, did he?"

"Nope!" Tifa was still feigning ignorance. "Nada! Nothing! ZILCH!" She gave a defeated sigh. "It's not meant to be. . ."

Rachel turned around, back to her videogame. "Right. . .It's still sweet how you'll pair 'em together though, huh? . . . Hah?" She saw Tifa's telltale shadow above her. "Oh my. . .," she whimpered.

"BUGGER OFF!"

"YAI!"

* * *

Within twenty minutes or so, they arrived at a station in an unfamiliar area. Keily hopped off, and Rufus, still in an attempt to be normal, quietly followed, looking around. He wasn't exactly sure what was going on.

"Now what?" he asked.

"We hop on another bus," said Keily.

"Oh. . .What!" He couldn't believe it. "Not again!"

"Ruffy-kun, it's only about an hour and a half!" Keily insisted. "Come on, I already bought the tickets. . ."

"Tickets? Hour and a half? What!"

"Just a short trip someplace," she said. "We'll be back before nightfall, I promise. Besides, what else do you think I've been working so hard to buy?"  
He finally got why she was working tirelessly, but, he still didn't know why this was so important for her to go out buying tickets and flowers for a trip he hadn't yet agreed to at the time, and was still hesitant to go.

"Okay, we've got fifteen minutes 'til the bus leaves!" she declared, marching along with him again. "Put some spring in your step! Huzzah!"  
"Ahhh!"

* * *

"Hey, Dad?" Christina was walking downstairs when she found Cloud on the couch.

"Oh, hey kiddo," said Cloud, lounging about. "What's up?"

"I was wondering about Rachel. . .," she said, a little unsure.

"We all do. . .," he replied. "What about her?"

"Now that I think about it," she continued, sitting on the armrest at his feet, "why doesn't she like me? I always assumed it was because it was about you, but. . ."

"Me? Given, she's really odd, but I don't think she's the type to get all angry with someone over that like she's gotten mad at you," he said. "But, I'm not the one to be talking to here."

"I guess it's just that I thought this was all about you," she said. "I just fight with her 'cause she's got this problem with me or something. . .Well, who should I talk to?"

"Simple," he said, rolling over for a nap. "The one that knows her the best."

"HI!" shouted Kiro, hoping to be of some service, and hopefully not what that may imply.

"I am NOT talking to YOU. . .," Christina grumbled, walking away and ignoring her.

"But, why not! I love Rachel!" she protested.

"I think not."

"Come baaaaack!"

* * *

"Hello?" Cloud was speaking eagerly into his PHS. "CID! HEY! I WANT AERIS!"

"Well, I don't want you either, sugarplum," he smartly remarked back from the transceiver. "LEAVE ME #(&( BE!" With a click, his voice was gone.

"Why, I oughtta. . .," Cloud muttered, apparently dialing the wrong number. He sighed, and tried again.  
One ring. . .

Two rings. . .

Three rings. . .

"Nyello?" answered a feminine voice from the other end. "It's Aeris."

"HEY, AERIS!" Cloud shouted eagerly. "HOW ARE Y-!  
Click!

"DAMMIT!" he sniffled, pressing redial.

One ring. . .

Two rings. . .

Three rings. . .

Four rings. . .

Five rings. . .

He thought she'd never pick up.

Six rings. . .

Seven rings. . .

"Hello, you have reached Aeris' PHS," said the voice mail. "If you are alive and well, please leave a message after the beep. However, if you're my deadbeat, deceased ex-boyfriend, STOP CALLING! For crying out loud, I already hear voices in my head! I don't need yours in my message box! Thank you!"  
He blinked, and really wondered if he'd make it out alive. "U-um, Aeris. . .," said Cloud, wondering how to put this. "Why are you mad at me? C'mon, gimme another chance?"

* * *

Away at the flower shop, Aeris could clearly hear his voice. "I don't want to. . .," she sighed, PHS in her hand. "But I guess I gotta. . ."

* * *

"I ADMIT THAT WAS TIFA'S BRA IN MY LAUNDRY, BUT THAT WAS A LONG, LONG TIME AGO!" he wailed into the receiver.

"Hello?" This time it was really Aeris. "Cloud, did I need to know that?"  
". . . ." He was a little stunned. ". . . .Hi, Aeris."

She snickered. "Heheh. Hello, Cloud."

* * *

Laura looked up from her magazine. "What?"

"Why does Rachel hate me?" Christina asked, completely innocent. Despite being super-smart, it doesn't mean she can't be naïve.

"That's a new one. . .," Laura said with a weird look. "Why? You wanna stop fighting?"

"If she stops being an ass," Christina shrugged. Perhaps she wasn't entirely naïve. "It's just something that's always happened, and I thought it was over Dad or something."

"Rachel does love that father of yours. . .," Laura said, scratching her chin. "But she doesn't really enjoy making feuds out of stuff like that. But, I do know why she doesn't like you, that's for sure."

Christina was desperate for knowledge. "Why?" she said, still genuinely curious.

Laura patted her on the head. "Ah, you kids are so cute sometimes. . ."

"I am only about a year old," said Christina. "So, what's the secret?"

Laura had on a very sly face. "Well, I COULD tell you. . .But. . ."

"Don't tell me I have to go on a quest for the Holy Grail or something," Christina groaned.

"Oh no, I'll tell you, I just wonder how Rachel will react to you knowing," Laura shrugged, putting her face back into the magazine. "She's kinda sensitive about this."

Christina's inquisitive look resembled much like a confused animal. "Eh?"

"She's intimidated by pretty people! Get a load of that!" Laura laughed.

THUNK! Christina fell flat. "WHAT!"

"Well, okay, not so much that, but like, your blonde, blue-eyed, perfect cheerleading types," Laura explained.

"This makes a lot more sense than your explanation on fangirl minds," Christina said. "Continue."

Mildly insulted, Laura continued with a sigh. "Okay, so she's one of those simple minds who was picked on. Easy as that. So, that time she thwarted off those ogres harassing me in line. . .What?"  
"Ogres?" she asked.

"Oh, y'know, if you remembered how Rachel and I became friends, it was when there were these girls pushing me in line at school. . .IT'S NOT 'CAUSE I'M SHORT!" she sniffled. "REALLY!"  
"Really. . .," Christina awkwardly repeated. "Okay, what else?"

"Ahem," Laura coughed. "Sorry about that. Well, then. . .Eh?" She saw Rachel peering out in the corner. "Um. . .END OF STORY, LET'S GO!" Laura shouted, dashing off. "SEE YOU TOMORROW!"

"What? WAIT!" She wanted her answers. "THAT'S A REALLY BAD STORY!" She knew Laura wasn't coming back. "FINE! I'll ask her myself!"

* * *

"What next!" Rufus asked, climbing up some steps along a hill. "Are we searching for Shangri-la or something!"

"No. . .," said Keily, still cheerful, with a knowing smile. "Just a few more steps. . .," she said, climbing up a half-dozen extra stairs, then stopping at the top of the hill.

There was another angry grumble from Rufus, but after he got over his scuffed, black shoes that were normally slick and polished, he reached the top and discovered what he was brought here for.

Late-afternoon sunlight hit the arches and curves of each statue and grave. There were countless names etched into the plaques and worn stone of gray, but the land was well-kept; the grass was trimmed, and people cared for at least the immediate plots. However, you could tell some in the distance lay forgotten, as if there was the end of the family line, and nobody remembered just who they were anymore.

It was a cemetery, and looked strangely serene for one.

"A. . .graveyard?" Rufus asked.

"Yeah," Keily said, calmly. "He's around here, somewhere." She started to walk slowly for another fifteen feet, Rufus warily and reluctantly following. Finally, at a small, gray headstone, a name was carved. "It's my brother, Ruffy-kun!" she declared.

He still seemed confused. "This is what you wanted me to see!"  
"Don't be rude!" she lectured, with a few tears, obviously insulted.

"U-um. . .Sorry, then," he apologized, embarrassed. "Really."

Her eyebrows pinched in the middle, and her mouth wrapped in a smile. "It's okay."

* * *

"Um. . .Thanks for finally picking up," Cloud apologized.

"No problem," said Aeris' voice over the phone. "You wanted to ask me something?"

Cloud paused, and finalized his question. "Aeris, why are you so mad with me?"

"I'm a hothead, you know it," she joked. "I'd always get mad with you, or start joking with you. It's because you know exactly what the problem is, but you always need to confirm it with someone."

". . .And THAT'S why you're so mad with me?" he asked, puzzled.

There was this audible sigh on the phone. "No, no. . .," she said. "Ah, clueless as ever, Cloud."

Nervously, he laughed. "Well, you know, I always need confirmation. . ."

"You know just what I mean," Aeris said. "And there won't always be someone to answer you, so make up your mind by yourself."

". . ." He was silent for a moment. "Hey, then what about-

"Oh!" she said suddenly. "Hey, I gotta go, right? The boss says my break is over. I'll be home in an hour! Bye!"

The phone was again silent.

He closed his eyes and sighed, with a bit of a relieved face. "Yep," he yawned, putting down the PHS. "There's only one thing left to do."

* * *

Keily and Rufus stood before the grave without a word, but the rustling of branches stymied any silence. Clouds began overtaking the sky, but it didn't seem to be of any immediate concern.

She sat the bouquet of flowers on the grave. "You remind me a lot of my brother," she began, still looking forward. "We would always fight with each other, yell at each other, hit each other. I think it was much more than sibling rivalry. . .," she sighed. "November was when I met him. . . He was my real brother."

Rufus looked at her out of the corner of her eye, wanting to know more, but he also didn't want to push it. "And then. . .?"

"Well. . .," she thought, pausing for a moment. "We knew each other for a few years, and then another November, he died. You never know what you have until it's gone, y'know? I do miss him a lot."

"I would imagine. . .," Rufus said, putting his gloved hands into his pockets. "You know, I didn't cry when my father died," he said, as a matter-of-fact. "Not one tear."

"I don't blame you," said Keily, finally looking at him, smiling. "He was an ass."

A suppressed smiled finally overtook Rufus' normally indifferent face. "Yeah, he was, wasn't he?" He and she laughed for a brief moment. "It wasn't of any great loss to me, like my mother. . .Nah, I don't think he cared about her at all. I mean, there was a nice funeral for her, but the way he'd shut himself up in that office while she was lonely at home. . .You know, she had a knack for interior design?"

"Nope, I don't know a thing about your mother," Keily shrugged.

With a smile, he turned back to the grave. "Well, she did, and she worked as a pro at it. But Dad, nah, he didn't care. He said it would look better for her to stay at home and raise me. And she loved him, so she did. I think she was the only one out there with the capacity to love someone like that. . .I wonder what she saw in the man. And then, when he died . . .It took a long time for me to find out exactly what she saw."

"So what? You really loved your dad?" she asked.

"Pfft, naw," he said, nonchalantly, and he smiled slightly and she laughed. "Well, he did work very hard to make money and support us all . . .That, I did appreciate. But, it eventually overtook him, and I think that's what killed my mother."

Keily nodded. "My brother . . .I didn't really believe he was much of a caring person, but I found I cared for him a lot when he was gone," she sighed. "And with the way we fought, maybe he thought I didn't care about him. I'm sure he felt the same way . . ."

"So then, he must've loved you too, huh?" said Rufus. "Must have been nice."

"Whaddya mean?" said Keily. "Still is. Ready to go?"

"Are you DONE?" asked Rufus.

She leered at him again. "You need to stop saying things so rudely."

"What?" He of course didn't see the rudeness in it.

She sighed in forgiveness. "Well then, I guess we can go home now, brother."

"Huh? Ahh!"

"BROTHER!" she shouted, giving him the usual tackle.

He had a very uncomfortable smile. "Y-yeah. . .brother. . .," he repeated, slowly pushing her off. "Let's go find that bus from Hell, what say?"

A touch of rain began to fall on their heads, and she looked up at the slate gray sky. "Sounds good to me," she concluded.

"Ah," he smiled, having his way for once on the excursion. "Let's go then."

She hooked arms again. "ALL RIGHT! ONE MORE TIME! RUFUS SHINRA! RUFUS SHINRA! NEW AGE PRESIDENT!"

"NO MOOOOORE! AHHHHHH!"

* * *

"Yosh?" Rachel turned around. "Oh. Hi," she said flatly. "You want somethin'?"  
"Yeah, I do," said Christina, just about as excited as Rachel. "Why d'you keep picking fights with me?"  
"I KNEW IT WAS YOU, LAURA!" Rachel shouted, shaking her fist to the ceiling. "I'LL FIND YOU ONE DAY! AND YOU'LL BE EVEN MORE UNDERFOOT!"  
"I AM NOT SHORT!" came a cry from the upstairs.

"Weird," Christina concluded. "Well, give me an answer."

"I don't need to talk to you," Rachel said, turning her back, doing the dishes. "Nope, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA-MUFFIN!"  
Christina held this huge, warm, blueberry muffin. She spoke tauntingly. "Ya' waaaaant it?"  
Rachel nodded quickly. "Yup-a-yup-a-yup!" Her eyes started to google.

"Reaaaaally?" Christina smiled. "Aw. I guess then. . ."

Rachel held her hands open hopefully.

MUNCH! Christina took an enormous bite out of the muffin. "Mm, yummy."

Rachel's face went deadpan. "M-MUFFIN!" She narrowed her eyes in a glare. "Never hath a fiend existed since the times of Tifa."

"I'M RIGHT HERE, YOU KNOW!" Tifa shouted, sitting on the couch. "Geez. . ."

"Oh. Well, yeah, I knew that!" said Rachel. "Now, scoot! Scoot like a good muffin!"  
"Fine. No muffin for you," said Christina, taking another bite.

"YEAH, I DON'T NEED YOU AND YOUR BLOODMUFFINS!" Rachel said. "NO MUFFIN CAN MAKE ME DISCLOSE ANY OF MY SECRETS! But if you give me a twenty, I'll tell you Tifa's bra size."  
"I'M RIGHT HERE, YOU KNOW!" Tifa shouted again, with added anger.

"Right, right. . .," said Rachel. "Well, no muffin of yours is gonna make me tell you."

Christina sighed. "Well then, I have no choice. . ." She took out Mr. Warkster. "How about NOW?"  
"EEEK!" Rachel was horrified by the atrocity of the action. "HOW COULD YOU!"

"I'm desperate for answers, and I don't need to be in any fights with people I live with. Makes life hard, you know?" Christina said. "Gonna tell me or what?"

Rachel put an arm around her and ushered her out of the room. "Okay," she said in a raspy, Italian voice. "I'm-a gonna make-a you an offer you can't refuse."

"RACHEL!"

"FIIIIIINE!" Rachel sighed. "I'm not ashamed of telling people this! Just people like you."

"GET ON WITH IT. . ." Christina coaxed.

"Yeah yeah, well. . .So, I was picked on as a little kid. . . I mean, we both know I'm not the most normal-thinking girl. . .And anyway, they were your stereotypical, blonde, blue-eyed, cheerleader people, and. . .So, I guess I have this natural grudge against people like that because I'm afraid-

"I'll jab your little insides with mean words, right?" Christina said in a tiny, squeaky voice and a smile.

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! I HATE YOU, SHUT UP!" Rachel shouted.

"Hey, you better not be talking about me in there!" Tifa called.

"No, Tifaaaaa!" Rachel groaned.

"Good girl."

"Was that it? REALLY?" Christina couldn't believe how insignificant it was.

"It hurt as a kid. I was by myself all the time, and I didn't feel a part of anything. . .," Rachel said, rubbing her shoulder out of nervousness. "Don't make fun. You don't know anything about it."

Taken aback, Christina said nothing. ". . . . .Hmph. I guess we fight because we have more in common than we think."

"What? I'm not blonde," Rachel spoke cluelessly.

Christina heaved a big, exasperated sigh. "I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER ABOUT IT. . .It's too hard for me to hold a conversation with someone who's as smart as a brick, you know?"

"No skin off my back," Rachel grumbled. "I hate you."

"Oh gee, 'cause of how I look?" said Christina. "I knew you were weird, but I didn't expect you to be so shallow."

"I could explain this scientifically," said Rachel. "But no, nobody think I have anything important to say. . ."

"Shoot," Christina said.

"Okay, so we all know there exist stereotypes," Rachel started to explain. "And then we all have those archetypical ideas of what certain types of people are. And you know, a lot of people are attracted to others much like themselves, and shy away from others they would appear to disagree with. So, it's like people search for archetypes of themselves, for people they would like to be friends with, and others they'd like to avoid. So, in our case, because as a small child I was, through experience, taught to believe those who look like you would obviously, indeed, jab at my soft little insides with mean words," she concluded. "Oh, and I love your dad."

Christina shuddered. "That's so WEIRD. . .," she said, wriggling. "Gross. . ."

"Hey, he's a young, studly man!" said Rachel. "And I don't have a boyfriend. All I need is someone to stare at, and I'm good."

"I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT!" Christina shouted. "Y'know, those two could've saved me a lot of time. . ." In her newfound revelation, she took a moment and peered at Rachel through the corner of her eye. ". . .Truce?" She stuck out her hand.

Rachel looked at it. "No, I hate you."

"Oh, thank God, I do, too."

"Hello, hello!" Cloud came tramping down the stairs. "Whatcha up to?"

"Hating each other," both said at the same time, and then looked at each other grossly. "Blech."

"Well. . .that's nice. . .," said Cloud. "You guys got a moment?"

* * *

"Now, now, what a nice thing you did for Cloud," said Tifa, sitting on the roof with Rachel. "It sort of astonishes me how little this episode focused on you doing something stupid. Well, kinda."

Rachel still had no idea what she meant by "episode". "Tifa, are you on crack, or are you really dead and all-knowing like Auron when he says, 'This is your story', in a really corny way to Tidus. And no, I refuse to be Tidus. He's a whiney wanker who doesn't deserve a videogame. 'Nuff said. Effeminate wanker."

Tifa blinked a few times. "OKAY, NOW WE REALLY KNOW WHO'S ON CRACK HERE. . ."

"Can't be helped," Laura said, sitting beside Rachel. "She really hates that guy. Personally, I think he's pretty, but yeah, he really gets on your nerves. Especially with all that, 'YOU ARE A DREAM', crap. Entire plot flushed down a toilet when that happened. It's like the idea we all have for a story, but never use because we know it's really bad."

Tifa was again lost. ". . .Mmhmm. I need to find new friends."

"Whom you don't pile drive into the moon," Rachel added.

"Yeah, whatever," said Tifa, brushing that off. "I see Cloud got the point, though."

"What's he doing?" asked Laura, who wasn't there for the event.

"Trying to make it up to Aeris," said Tifa. "And I warned him 'no sex'. Trust me, I have a sixth sense about that."

"Ah, Tifa's 'sex sensors', 'fornication fortification', her. . .Hi, Tifa," Rachel waved and smiled cutely back at Tifa. "Right. You're still here."

"And look who's back," said Tifa, pointing down below at the driveway.

Keily and Rufus were finally getting back.

"RUFFY-KUN!" she squealed, attached to his arm. "We had fun, right?"  
"We went to a cemetery."

"Don't be so mean!" she said. "You couldn't be the life of a party at a funeral!"  
"Haha," he said. "Focusing on death a lot, aren't we?"

Tifa sighed. "Too be young again. . . ."

Rachel blinked. ". . .Tifa, you're in your early twenties."

"And I feel old," she sighed. "I blame it on you."

Rachel sat in agreement. "Yeah, I don't blame you. No pun intended." She watched Rufus and Keily walk back into the house. "I hope they decide to be quiet while Cloud and Aeris have dinner. That _I_ made."

"And Christina, but she's not here right now, so. . .," said Laura. "Sticking around in the attic."  
"The vent's right here." Christina stuck her head out through this circular vent, which she attempted into making a door. "I'm going back inside now." But before she did, she narrowed her eyes at Rachel and stuck out her tongue. "Blehhhh!"  
"Blehhhh!" went Rachel, back at her. "Geez. . ."

"Y'know Rachel, you did a nice thing, admitting to her your differences. . .and similarities." Tifa finally decided to give some credit. "Although it might've been under extreme duress, it's good you got it out there."

"YEAH, AND SO DID LAURA." Rachel glared at Laura, sticking the insinuation right up her butt. "THANKS, PAL."

"MMHMM, JUST THE WAY I LIKE BEING TEASED ABOUT MY HEIGHT, BUDDY," Laura said grudgingly back at her. ". . .You know I love you, right?" she said cutely.

"Yup!" said Rachel, right back at her. "LOVE AND PEACE!"

Tifa sighed. "You know, Rachel. . .Despite everything crazy that's happened, I think everything's gonna be all right."

"JERK!" Aeris kicked Cloud out the door.

"B-BUT I DIDN'T MEAN TO!" he cried back.

"Sex sensors?" asked Laura.

"Off the charts," replied Tifa.

"RUFFY-KUN!" came another squeal from Keily.

"GET OFF ME! HAPPY-FUN-TIME-EXCURSION-DAY IS OVER!"

"Yup. . .," Tifa sighed, with a bit of a very weary tone. "Everything is gonna be just fine. . ."

But, things always get worse before they get better.

* * *

"My head. . . .," groaned a deep voice, groggily. A pair of scuffed, black leather boots clunked against the cement of a port in the city. "Dammit," he said, looking at his condition through a pair of glowing green eyes. "I'm worse for wear, but it's almost the end, now. . .," he smiled, fingering the hilt of the bloodstained blade at his hip lovingly. "Surka, I'm back again."

* * *

AN3: . . . .So. . .I wanted this in November. . .But, uh. . .Merry Christmas?

Tifa: Oh, don't tell me this was the Christmas chapter.

AN3: Oh, Hells no! After missing last year's, you'd think I'd have something for this year.

Tifa: . . .

AN3: I DO! REALLY! So far, I think about 23 pages are typed up. . .I've always planned the season 2 Christmas chapter to be a big thing. Expect a lot of stuff to happen, my people! Oh, and if you're listening to me Keily, I hope this was up to snuff for you. As a Christmas note, I'd like to thank all the readers who've kept this thing going. Without support, I'd probably still be lying asleep in hiatus. I'd never stop for those of you whom I've made laugh and brighten their day. I love reviews like that, really.

Tifa: You're such a tard.

AN3: YOU'RE SO MEAN:sniffles: The woman's got a soft side, but you know. . .She's all squishy and sensitive on the inside, like me.

Rachel: SHADDUP! I HATE YOU:storms off:

Christina: I love Christmas. . . .Okay, no, I'm not that mean. :runs off to check on her:

AN3: You know, Steve's in Florida.

Everyone: . . . .

AN3: . . . .What?

Everyone: You're still dating him?

AN3: ONE YEAR AND SEVEN MONTHS, BABY! . . .Someone, gimme some alcohol, please.

Aeris: Save it for the New Year's chapter.

AN3: Oh yeah, New Year's is another big thing. I love making big chapters out of those. Anyway, has anyone realized how we don't really celebrate birthdays here anymore? I'm sixteen now, by the way. Started when I was thirteen. . .Although one month after the start, I turned fourteen. Still been a while, though.

Tifa: Aeris, I think the alcohol would be great right now.

AN3: Now, hold on, hold on. . .I would like to cover some new things, before I head on back to that fun-filled Christmas chapter. Oh, and it's the 24th right now, so if it's not up tomorrow, uh. . . .Forgive me. You know how late I've been with these things. Um, just a mention here. Anyone play Soul Calibur III? So, I've been all crazy about it because it's my favorite fighting game, right up there with the Super Smash Bros. series. . .And here, you can create a character.

Tifa: Oh, here it comes.

AN3: DO YOU GUYS KNOW JUST HOW MUCH FUN IT IS WHACKING EACH OTHER WITH AE CHARACTERS:giggles: Muahahaha, it's much fun. Although, I've only made a Vincent, Cloud, and yes. . .MISS CLOUD! I love you, Aeris.

Aeris:salutes: Anytime, cap'n!

Cloud: AERIS. . .WHY DID YOU HAVE TO MAKE THAT NAME FOR ME!

Aeris: What, and call you Miss Nesbit or something?

Cloud: At least it wouldn't have anything to do with my real name. . .:grumbles:

AN3: Yes, so it's hilarious seeing Cloud in a dress dance around and attack people with a fan, or a pair of tambourines. Yes, that's right. IT IS AWESOMENESS. Oh, and as for AE characters, I of course made a Rachel. . .But I also made a Kiro. Who also has a vaguely sexual attack. Which is naturally a grapple attack. It's kinda freaky watching her on top of Rachel.

Mars:runs out and buys Soul Calibur III and countless memory cards: I love Christmas.

AN3: Ah, but I also got a special kind of DS this Christmas. I was gonna get a PSP, but nothing I want out so far (although, I did want one for Advent Children and Dirge of Cerberus, but I'll get them when they're actually here). I did get. . .GUITAR HERO, THOUGH:cackles: I didn't think I'd like it, but I tried it at the store. Much fun.

Tifa: Are we really going to accomplish anything anytime soon?

AN3: Tifa, it's the second season. Of course not.

Tifa: Right, right. . .

AN3: I think I just wanted to tack those in for fun, though.

Tifa:coughAEwebsite/comiccough:

AN3: That is ONE nasty cough. Anyway, yes, about that. . .If I work hard and ignore all the Guitar Hero goodness that makes the baby Jesus smile, I could have the first part done. . .Actually, we'd have countless issues of the AE webcomic out if I could just decide on the way to open it. . .AND HERE IS AN IDEA!

Tifa:bracing for impact:

AN3: WHY DON'T YOU, THE READER, HELP ME DECIDE! Please, I'm a poor, indecisive Libra. I'm not one of your steadfast, decision-making Taureans!

Tifa: Which is why I'm ultimately superior.

AN3: YEAH, YEAH, RUB IT IN, WHY DON'TCHA. . .? So please, help this poor soul, and demand your AE comic! BY TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!

Holly: Why Jessie, I think she's on to something!

Jessie: Mm, pancakes. :has made the pi symbol in maple syrup: I TOLD YOU I WAS SMART!

Holly: Uh-huh. . .Sure. . .

AN3: I didn't want to start the series like I started the fanfiction. . .And there is still the idea of starting off with the opening theme song. But if there are any other suggestions, I'd like to hear them. And no, no weirdo fan service. Well, unless it's good.

Mars:busy typing away:

AN3: Ah, I do love him so. Well, my people! I am off to bed! I await all my shiny loot in the morning. I hope you enjoyed this shiny new chapter, too. Is it just me, or does it hit you in the head like a brick? Eh, maybe 'cause I just skimmed it. . .Merry Christmahanakwanzaakah!


	16. Chapter 12: Red Christmas

Chapter 12: Red Christmas

A/N: Hi, I know this Christmas chapter is late, but I'm really a month behind schedule as it is. . .I'm slowly catching up though, so I guess it's not so bad. However, for the completely unwritten New Year's chapter, it might get worse because I have midterm exams soon. Well, I'll squeeze it in somewhere, I just won't have much time because I need to save myself from failing chemistry. . .Somewhere, Lucrecia is crying. . .Anyway, Square-Enix owns FF7, LadyTifa26 owns Laura, miscellaneous authors own respective characters, and I own Christina and Rachel. Grr, property. Now, excuse me, for I am ill.

* * *

Bright, warm sun filtered into the bedroom window of Rachel's messy room. Last night it seemed there was a tiny little party for Tifa, who had to leave the prior morning, meaning this morning. Some partied maybe a little too hard. 

Tifa yawned and rolled over to her side, hugging what felt like a sun-warmed pillow, but not quite. It felt a little harder than that, but still was soft and comfortable to sleep on. She smiled, and drifted to full sleep.

"Myuh, myum, myuu. . .Hah?" Steve sat up (for a rare, serial appearance). "What?" He suddenly realized he was asleep in his boxers in Rachel's room, where she was not to be found. "Who knew alcohol would make you drunk? Eheheheh. . .Oy." He lied back down. "My head. . .Eh?" He noticed a tuft of brown locks move against his arm and stomach, and immediately recognized it to be Tifa, and blinked. "Oh, okay. . ." He snuggled into a pillow, and fell asleep. ". . . . . . . . . . . . . .HOLY MOTHER OF-

"Was I called?" Cid was on the couch downstairs, thinking somebody called him through his own language. "Aw, (&&, don't wake me up on a weekend. . .Zzz. . ."

Steve was sweating and panting, to think what he might have done. ". . .Meep," he squeaked.

"Huh? Oh, hello Steve. . .," Tifa yawned, rubbing her eyes and sitting up. "Want some breakfast? I know you like pancakes. . . ." She curled up into his chest, by the way in a g-string and bra, hugging onto his back. "Nighty-night. . ."

Again, he blinked. ". . . .Eh?"

She yawned and smiled. ". . . .EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Huh?" Rachel sat up between the two of them, hair a mess, wearing a long-sleeved pajama top and pants with little chocobos on them from her past experiences. "What's all the hubbub, bub?"

The two turned very, very pale.

"What?" Rachel asked. "Oh fine. . ." She held up a teddy bear. "You can sleep with him, too! I call him, 'Mr. Wuggles'! . . .G-guys?"

Their pupils contracted.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"Ugh, dammit dude!" Mike was knocking on the door, which forced them to be very, very quiet. "YOU SCREAM LIKE A GIRL! No mommy to help you with your little nightmares? Anyway, it's time to wake up."

Steve motioned to them to be quiet, and Tifa and Rachel were forced to sneak under the covers. "Er. . .Good morning." He stood and blocked the door when he opened it.

"Such a bright ray of sunshine in the morning, aren't you?" Mike asked. "Wake up. If we can't sleep in, you can't either."

Meanwhile, Tifa snuck out of the bed, scrambling to find her clothing, and some semblance of a quick fix to her minor half-naked problem.

"Tifa? Is that really such a good i-

"Shh. . .," Tifa hissed, crouched low to the ground. "Quiet. . ."

Rachel has this sad look, that was almost painful. "But. . .but TIFA-

"Shhh. . ." Tifa continued to gather clothes.

Rachel whimpered and crawled back under the sheets.

"Oookaaaaaay. . .," said Steve, talking slowly. "I'll see you laaater. . ."

"Are you okay?" asked Mike. "You look a little. . .sweaty. You hiding something?" He slanted his gaze, and Steve quickly blocked that, too.

"Noooo! What gives you-that-i-de-a!" Steve said, halting slightly in his speech as he moved.

"'Scuse me. . .," said Tifa, suddenly brushing past both, in a bathrobe that was too small to hide her bra, and past the guys who had gathered in the hall to drag their friend from bed. But then, she turned and halted in front of them, and looked at Steve and Mike deathly seriously. "NOTHING LEAVES THE BEDROOM." And with that, she headed off down the hall.

Mike blinked as Steve coughed. ". . . . ."

And still, the guys stared. ". . . . .GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Rachel was getting out of bed in her pajamas still, while she watched the carnage erupt in the midst of her bedroom. "Guys? Guys? Hello?"

". . . ." The guys, who already dogpiled Steve and into a headlock looked at the other girl in the bed. ". . . . .AND VIRGIN GIRL, TOO!"

"NOOOOOOOO!" Kiro screamed at the door, who just seemed to appear there. "GET 'IM!"

"AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

"Didja hear a blood curdling man-scream?" asked Jessie, shoveling a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal down her throat. 

"No," shrugged Kiako, munching on some Froot Loops. "Did you, Little Vincent?"

A small, cute Vincent plushie sat at the table with a bowl of Count Chocula.

"I thought not," Kiako concluded.

"Hey, where's my Cookie Crisp?" asked Rachel, making it downstairs. "Heh heh. Little Vincent has Count Chocula. That's funny."

"But, I'm HERE," said Vincent, eating a bagel with a cup of coffee. "Why do you treat that thing like it's ME, and I'm HERE!"

"Um. . . .Because you supply the sex appeal for the breakfast table, we're the sheer adorable girls eating cereal like we expect to get paid, and Little Vinnie here is the raw, masculine, delightful cup of sugarlove," Rachel blinked. "Where am I?"

They fell over. "CAN'T YOU KEEP A THOUGHT IN YOUR HEAD FOR A MINUTE!"  
"G'mornin'," said Tifa, still in the bathrobe.

Rachel smiled hopefully.

"Not to you," said Tifa, who didn't even look at her.

Rachel became sad again. "Wah."

"So. . .," Tifa continued. "What did you try to tell me upstairs?"

Rachel pupils contracted as it looked like she slipped into an unpleasant trance. "Well, you know how you were on the floor to get your clothes. . .And you wear a thong-

"I don't wanna know anymore," said Kiako, jumping away from the table.

"And you were crouching-

"Me neither," said Jessie, following in Kiako's wake. "COME, LITTLE VINNIE! PURE THOUGHTS!" She snatched it off the table and ran.

"And so I thought-

"Why didn't Hojo just remove my ears instead of my arm. . .?" Vincent sighed.

"Isn't that mine you're wearing?"

". . . .Wha?" Everyone peered in the room again.

Tifa was silent, then turned around and looked down into her robe, blinked, and was an unhealthy shade of green. ". . . . .It's not that it's yours, but. . .You. . .You. . .YOU WEAR THONGS!"

"G'mornin'," said Steve, walking downstairs in his boxers. A few guys came in after, with a few bruises.

". . .Eh?" asked Rachel. "But weren't YOU dogpiled?"

"Mmhmm," said Steve, getting some orange juice from the fridge.

". . .Ooookaaaaay. . .," Rachel said, blinkingly. "I'll only assume. . . ."

* * *

Later that morning after a fiasco that involved Kiro, Rachel's thong, and a pair of pliers, it finally came time to get serious. Seriously. (Hey, are you looking at me funny!) 

"NOOOOOO! I cannot live without you! Forget your family! I AM your family. . .Be with ME. . ."

"Is Rachel talking to a doughnut again?" asked Tifa, walking in from the next room.

"I don't understand why you like this. . .," said Vincent, sitting next to Laura on the couch. "What's so great about soap operas?"

"NOOO!" Laura sobbed, watching the TV. "THEY WERE MEANT TO BE!" She shook him violently. "DON'T YOU THINK SO, TOO!"

He was a little afraid. "Uhhhh. . . .Sure."

"I KNEW IT!" she wailed. "Oh. . .Yeah, a good melodramatic cry is good sometimes."

"Right," said Vincent. ". . .Can we do something interesting now?"

"Shh. . .," said Laura. "The commercial break is over. . ."

". . .Laura?" he said, but had no response. ". . .Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmmmmm. . ." He yawned, and put and arm around her. ". . .Sooo. . ."

She pushed it off and curled up, hugging onto a pillow, biting on her lip.

"Diego! Diego! NOOOO! THEY COULDN'T CURE YOUR MINOR HEAT STROKE THAT EVENTUALLY LED TO AN ADVANCED CASE OF MENINGITIS, COMPLICATED BY HEPATITIS! HEPAAATTIISSSSS C!" cried a voice from the television. "I swear, I know you could've been saved. . .Diego, I will find that sexy love doctor Ramirez and sleep with him, AFTER I FIND PROOF HE WAS THE ONE WHO KILLED YOU!"

Laura sniffled. "D-Diego. . .DIEGO! WAAAAAH! HE WAS MY SEXY LATIN FANTASY!"

Vincent had the weirdest look, and retracted his arm, sighing in defeat. "Uh-HUH. . ."

"Oh, Vincent?" asked Lucrecia, walking up to him. "I have a question for you. . ."

"What?" he replied, curiously.

"Well. . .It's more like something SHOW you. . ."

Gathered at the table. . .

"What the crap?" asked Tifa, holding a little Tifa plushie. "What is this?"

"It's my new invention!" Lucrecia exclaimed happily. "I figure it's around Christmas, and these would sell like hotcakes if Rachel's story is right about us being videogame characters."

"B-but. . .," Rachel whimpered, "it's NOT just a story. ..It's TRUE!"

"Whatever you say," said Lucrecia, practically ignoring her. "I made little plushies! WITH ACTION PHRASES!"

"I'm Tifa!" said Tifa's plushie when she pulled the cord on the back, sounding friendly enough. "Cross me and DIE!" it shouted in a deep, inhumanly evil voice.

Tifa was a little afraid of it and almost dropped it on the ground. "Uh, Lucrecia? Won't this scare children? AND ISN'T THAT A LITTLE OFF!"

Cid pulled the cord on the back of his plush. "!#$$!" He shrugged. "Seems accurate to me."

"But," Lucrecia said, holding her tape recorder. "I spent hours getting voice clips of you all. . .And even though you DIDN'T say that Tifa, I installed a voice manipulation program on Kiako's computer."

"Heyyy. . .," said Kiako, hearing this. "You didn't even ask!"

"Here you go," said Lucrecia, handing her a Cid plushie to keep her quiet. "Have fun."

"WHEE!" Kiako squealed, immediately pulling on the cord.

"Where's my goddamn tea, &$#!" it cursed.

"WAAAAAAAAH!" she cried, running out of the room. "MOMMY!"

"Hey, I kinda LIKE these things. . .," Cid said, watching. "OW!"

Shera was giving him the evil eye after elbowing his stomach. "Hmph."

"Women. . .," he grumbled.

"Lookie!" said Lucrecia, pulling a few more out, handing one to Rachel.

"A Cloud plushie? SQUEE!" She was on Cloud Nine. "What's it say!" Enthusiastically, she pulled the cord.

"I'm, too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, oh I'M TOO SEXY!" it sang.

"You recorded that when he was in the shower, didn't you?" asked Aeris.

Cloud whistled innocently.

Reno grabbed hold of one of his, pulling the cord. "CLEAN SHIRT! NEW SHOES! AND I DON'T KNOW WHERE I AM GOIN' TOOOO! SILK SUIT! BLACK TIE! I DON'T NEED A REASON WHY-Y-Y-Y! They come runnin' just as fast as they can! 'CAUSE EVERY GIRL CRAZY 'BOUT A SHARP DRESSED MAN!"

"Heheheh. . .," Reno snickered. "It's just about as much of a girl magnet as I am." He pulled again.

"BABY GOT SOME HOT STUFF BABY THIS EVENING! BABY GOT SOME HOT STUFF BABY TONIGHT!" it sang this time.

"And THESE will be a substantial source of income. . .How?" Rufus asked, condescendingly. "Why would people WANT these?"

Rachel was holding her Cloud plushie and a Tifa plushie, playing with them. First, she pulled on Cloud.

"Tifaaa! Where's my vat of hair gel!"

Next, she pulled Tifa's.

"I hate you all."

"Ooh. . .," said Rachel. "They're practically interactive!"

"Muahahaha. . .," Lucrecia laughed. "They're GOLD!" Lucrecia started pulling out other plushies. "This one's for you, Rachel."

It looked just like her. "OOOOOH" Rachel said. "It's me! How I looked in FF7 land!" She pulled.

"Duhhhhhh. . .," it said, in a low, stupid tone.

"I like these," Tifa blinked.

Rachel felt demeaned. "I hate you all."

* * *

Moving day. . . 

Tifa was on the doorstep after Lucrecia's little display, holding the small box of her belongings. "Well, I'm gonna go now. See you people later."

"TIFAAAA!" Rachel sobbed, holding onto her ankle. "WHAT ABOUT BREAKFAST!"

Tifa growled. "MAKE YOR OWN DAMN BREAKFAST! LEMME GO!"  
"B-but. . .," Laura sniffled, on her other ankle. "WE LOVE YOUR BREAKFAST!"

Cloud grabbed onto her wrist. "AND I DIDN'T CHECK THAT BOX FOR MY HAIRGEL!"

Tifa sighed. "Cloud, your bottle of hairgel is even bigger than this box. Try elsewhere."

"Could you buy me a new bottle?" he sniffled, eyes googling with tears radiantly from the MAKO infusion. "Pwease, Tifa?"

"FINE!" she shouted. "LET ME GO!"

"Heheheh. . .," he snickered, walking back inside. "Let the lady go and buy my very large and expensive hair care products."

"NEVER!" Rachel sniffled.

"I'll let you see me shirtless."

"HAVE A SAFE TRIP, TIFA!" said Rachel, bounding up after she let go. "WRITE US! DON'T BE A STRANGER! Come on, Laura! Time for half-naked sexiness!" She hoisted her friend off Tifa's remaining ankle.

"Well. . .Cloud IS pretty. . .So I'll watch!" Laura said, joining Rachel. "Later, Tifa!"  
"See ya' later, Tifa-nator!" Rachel waved, before shutting the door.

Tifa now stood peacefully alone on the porch, turning around to face the direction of her new apartment. She sighed wistfully. ". . . . . .YAAAAHOOOO!" She jumped and clicked her heels. "QUIET! PEACE AND QUIET!" Excitedly, she dashed off for her apartment. "SWEETNESS!"

"Y'know," said Rachel, sitting on the couch in the room closest to the door, eating some popcorn as she watched Cloud take off his shirt. "I wish she at least was nice enough to start dancing five feet AWAY from the door."

"Meh," Laura shrugged, engrossed in the shirtlessness. "I'm just wondering if we can sell tickets to this."

* * *

Meanwhile, in the far corners of the city. . . 

Sephiroth was strolling on the street, regardless of the stares he attracted from the people he walked past, ignoring the snickers of those loitering on the street. The click of his boots on the cracked cement was steady; he stood confidently, but his face was frustrated as if he were looking for something. His hand clung to his side. A small trace of red came, while he remembered the previous encounter he had.

"Heheheh. . .," laughed a guy, leaning on the wall with a few others. It was dark outside, and the laughter was irritating. "Well well, look at that! The "fairy" carnival's in town."

Sephiroth still marched dignified, knowing it was the least of what he cared about.

Until, one of them stood in his way. "Where d'ya think you're going? Ain'tcha got the time?"

Annoyed, Sephiroth went around and tried to pass.

"Hey, didn't you hear me, man!" The guy wore a hooded sweatshirt, hands deep in his pocket, with short, dark hair.

A smirk rose. There was some bright, yet dark quality to the glow in his icy green eyes. "I have time. . .," he said, quietly.

"Ah, good. . .," said the guy, smirking too while the rest of the others circled around him. "We have a special treatment to fags like you. . ."

"But. . .," Sephiroth said, his eyebrows loosening.

"Hmm. . ." the guy said, hand still deeper in his pocket.

Sephiroth took the sheathed masamune from his side, and before they could blink or even reason what he was doing, spun and winded them all in the gut, stepping over the guy while he lay breathless on the ground. "I don't have the time for you. . ."

The guy in the sweater held his stomach angrily, growled something, and took the switchblade he hid deep in his pocket. He crawled, onto his stomach. "Nn. . .GAH!"

Turning around, Sephiroth deflected the switchblade he had thrown, but not without it ricocheting at an unexpected angle that it cut his side. He winced.

The group was coming to, managing to stand and get around him again, all with knives. "I'd like to see you do that again, shitface! Especially while you're bleedin'!"

Sephiroth looked at the wound, stared at it with disgust, and then unsheathed his gleaming sword. "Really?" he said darkly, barely audible. "I'd like to show it to you, too. . ."

* * *

Vincent was browsing through the paper, back at home. "Hey, it looks like there was this multiple homicide in the city. . .," he said, fairly blandly. "Bunch of gang members with large cuts in them. . .One was cut in half, and one with a gray sweater was missing his right hand and his head. Was five feet away from his body in the garbage. Switchblade in his right hand still, too." 

"Don't you love good news?" Rachel said with a gross look. "Ew. And just when I was about to eat, too. . ."

Surka peered around the corner. "What? Lemme see that!" She snatched the paper right out of his claw.

Vincent sighed, a little irritated by the rudeness. "What, you like that kind of news?"

Surka still flipped through it, then a few moments later handed him the paper back. "False alarm. . .," she sighed, walking out.

". . . .What was THAT all about?" Rachel asked.

Vincent shrugged, reading it again. "Don't ask me. . ."

* * *

"Hrrmmm. . .," thought Surka, sweeping the floor at her job. _"Not many people could do something like that. . .But I don't see why he'd be here. . ."_

"BOO-!"

THWACK!

"Owww. . .," said Konoshi, holding her nose where the broom handle hit. "WHAT'S THAT FOR, HUH!"

Surka turned around, not looking very amused. "I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not. You want something?"

"You look like you're actually thinking," said Konoshi, also looking very turned off. "Just curious what could possibly stimulate your apparently very latent gray matter."

"Nothing," said Surka, turning back to her work.

". . .Hmph. Right," Konoshi shrugged. "Guess you can just really look like you have a brain, huh?"

"Shut up," Surka grumbled, starting to change the coffee filters in the silver latte machines. "You don't have anything important to think about."

"HEY, I HAVE PLENTY IMPORTANT THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!" Konoshi protested.

"Yeah?" Surka asked. "Like what?"

Konoshi thought. "Ummmm. . . . .Whether today's special should be White Chocolate Mocha or Cinnamon Spice."

"WHAT!" Surka exclaimed.

"Yeah I know, White Chocolate Mocha should be, but the manager says-

"That's not the point. . .," she sighed. "Look, I'm taking work off early, 'kay?" she said, taking off her red apron.

"But. . .You just GOT here," said Konoshi. "I'm not taking up your shift!"

"Ooh, can I take up a shift?" asked Chikara.

"NO!"

"Why not?" she asked. "One of you wants to leave, the other doesn't want to, and I do. Pweeaaaase?"

"Isn't this against child labor laws or something?" Konoshi asked, looking down at the quite young Chikara. "Meh. Suit yourself. But since Surka's going and I'm the oldest one here. . .," she said. ". . . .I GET TO BE YOUR BOSS!" She had a very pleased smile.

". . . .SURKA, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!" Chikara sobbed, hugging Surka.

"Eh!" Surka shouted, seeing the young girl clasped onto her. "Um…There, there?" She awkwardly patted Chikara's head, then bent down to her level. "Okay, see that?" she whispered in Chikara's ear.

"Uh-huh," Chikara blinked, looking at Konoshi, whom Surka was pointing to.

"Well, you see she's a scary lady, huh?" Surka whispered. "And even though she being your boss will be a living nightmare with pain only comparable to having your living flesh spliced by a thousand needles, you gotta do this for the TEAM!"

"W-what!" Chikara sniffled. ". . . Surka?"

She was already running out the door.

"Suuurrkaa. . .? Suuurrkaaaa?"

"Muahahaha. . .," cackled Konoshi behind her.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

Tifa stood in the empty space that was her new apartment; the box she brought standing lonely in the center of the floor. Tucking in her legs to sit on them, she started picking through some articles in the box. Clothes, shoes, minor appliances were being issued around. She leaned over to plug a lamp into a wall socket. Brushing her hand through her hair and sighing, she picked up a picture frame, one of her and Cloud at a park that seemed very near Kalm and sat it by the lamp, a little stressed. She picked it back up, started rummaging through the box and inserted a picture with everyone, deciding the previous was a little more than dated. 

"Okay," she said, standing up and looking at her watch. "I have a half hour before work. . .So I need to go if I'm walking." Hustling, she grab her uniform and belt and headed for the door, clicking off the light above the frame and shut the door.

"Myouuu. . .," said Rachel, in her sleep. "Myouuu. . ."

"Okay. . .," said Condrugon with a camera. "If this is the only way we can get money, I guess I'll give it a shot.

"Ah ha ha, that's my boy!" said Mars, attempting to slap Condrugon on the back until he caught a deathly glare. "Um. . .right. You ready, Mike?"

"Ready? I'm not doing anything," Mike said.

"True," Mars said. "We all know who the star is here."

"How much commission do I get for this?" Kiro asked, with Rachel's snoring head in her lap. "Not like I wouldn't already do it for free, but money makes things a whole lot sweeter."

"What the hell you guys?" Laura asked, walking into the room, suitcases in hand.

"Uhhh. . . ." Everyone fell silent. ". . .Do you like movies, Laura?"

"I already get it," she sighed. "Hey, can one of you take me to the airport?"

"Say what?" asked everyone.

"NOOO!" Rachel jumped up. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" She clung onto Laura. "THAT'S IT! WE'RE GOING ON ANOTHER ROAD TRIP!"

* * *

Tifa, miles away, shuddered. "Ugh. . .Why did I get that bad feeling again?"

* * *

"No road trip," said Laura. "My parents want to see me back home about the current schooling arrangement." 

"B-but. . .," Rachel sniffled. "IT'S ALMOST CHRISTMAS! Mistletoe, crowded shopping, and Santa-induced materialism! C'mon!"

"Sorry, no can do," Laura shrugged. "Besides. . .it's my PARENTS. . .If I don't go, they. . .they. . .," she sniffled. ". . .THEY WON'T SEND ME ANYMORE MONEY!"

They all fell over. "Aw, geez. . ."

Surka was roaming around the city, looking around for any trace of whom she was searching for. She trudged her boots around the dirty sidewalks, trying to remember the location the newspaper spoke of.  
Clank, clank, clank. . .

She spun around and saw a can roll out of an alley. She turned back around, the flapping of wings signaled her head upward to see crows flying off a streetlight wire. Exasperated, she spoke.

"Okay, okay, you can come out now."

"Heyyyyyy, there little lady!" said Zack, jumping down from a roof. "How're ya'?"

"Zack, is it really such a great idea to just come out when she says so?" Ifalna asked, coming from the alley.

"Well, we are searching for the same person," said Gast, following his wife.

"What are you all doing here?" Surka asked.  
"Sephiroth, you see, has well. . .," Ifalna said, starting to explain, "broken certain probation parameters."

"Including the brutal slaughter of innocents," said Zack. "Although, I wouldn't exactly classify gang members as 'innocents'. Didn't they provoke him?"

"But it didn't warrant him KILLING them. Could've just knocked him out," Gast said.

"Right," nodded Ifalna. "Naturally, we can't have someone like that under our care skulking about."

"Chances are, he's probably looking for you, too," said Gast. "He can probably sense when you're close, so we should try and get a lead on him." He stepped forward and examined the blood marks on the ground. "And I think we have a pretty good trail, don't you think?"

* * *

The students, all lined by rank were filed into the dojo. Tifa was teaching the class. 

"I. . .DON'T think that's normal. . .," whispered one student to another, watching at Tifa was leading stretching, as her legs were spilt all the way to the floor, others stopping at least one foot to the ground before their legs could be apart no longer.

"Yeah, and I haven't seen her here before. . .," the other student muttered. "And I here there are some other new teachers."

"Ahhh!" Steve ran in onto the mat, and bowed to Tifa. "I'm late!"

Tifa stood up from her stretch. "Students, keep that position until I tell you to switch.

A loud, frustrated groan echoed in the room. "AHHH, GODDD!"

"Shouldn't you be more punctual?" Tifa asked Steve. "1,000 pushups."

"UHHHHHWHAAAAAAT!" the students exclaimed.

"Did I say you could talk? Keep stretching," she ordered. "Maintain your discipline!" She resumed speaking to Steve, who was already doing the pushups. "Good. I see you have no complaint."

"Not really," he said, like he was either used to doing a lot of pushups, or just being late for class. "I can't imagine what you'll do to-

"Yeah yeah, I know they're late, too," Tifa sighed.

"I. . .I'M DYING. . .," whined a student, whose legs could not take much more.  
"SWITCH!" Tifa shouted, in which all the students fells over.

"PAINNN. . ."

"RUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUN!" shouted Rachel, running into the dojo.

"I CAN'T FIND MY UNIFORM!" Yuffie shouted, rummaging through a bag.

"THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T LET THE COMPUTER AUTO-ORGANIZE YOUR BELONGINGS!" Rachel exclaimed, in a changing room and pulling out a shirt from her own bag.

"BUT IT'S SO CONVENIENT. . .," Yuffie sobbed. "Why did WE have to drop off Laura?"

"'Cause everyone sucks, and we care," Rachel said.

"We do? OW!"  
Rachel tossed a shoe at Yuffie. "YES, WE DO."

* * *

About one hour prior, Rachel, Yuffie, Cloud, and Vincent were dropping Laura off at the terminal. People bustled by, with no sign of stopping. The weather looked cloudy, and the dismal sky outside was colored an ashen gray.

"Gee, isn't this most familiar?" Laura laughed nervously, by her terminal. "Rachel, didn't you need to see Tifa for something?"

"She signed me up for this martial arts thing," Rachel shrugged. "I've already taken some, but I don't know why she wants me to do this again."

"Oh, y'know. . .BONDING. . .," Laura said sarcastically. "Y'know, 'cause she loves spending time around you. Tell me how it goes, 'kay?"

"When will you be back?" asked Vincent, sounding a little strained.

"I dunno," Laura shrugged. "Soon enough, I guess. It won't be long." She set her suitcase by a chair. "Shouldn't you hurry?"

"NEVAH!" Rachel declared. "NOBODY CAN TEAR AT THE BONDS OF FRIENDSHIP! Eh? HEY!"

Cloud started pulling her away by the collar. "C'mere. Let's go look at the, er. . .Let's go."

"WAAAH!" Rachel was trying to fight her way back, but it didn't prove to be very successful. "LAURAAAA!"

Cloud grinned and winked back at the two, dragging a very distressed Rachel.

"Heh," smirked Vincent, standing in a suit, not wearing his normal uniformal wear as to not attract attention. "Cloud's a good guy."

Laura smiled in understanding. "Yeah. When he wants to be. But I don't see why he had to leave us alone. Not like we're gonna do it right here."

Vincent blushed a deep rouge and coughed. "U-um, right. We're civilized. Not a bunch of animals."

There was a silence. ". . . ."  
Finally, Laura spoke. "I've got twenty minutes."

"Let's go," said Vincent, hurrying off with her to the bathrooms.

"I sense something amiss," Rachel said, fifteen minutes later.

"Took you long enough," said Yuffie. "I sensed that about ten minutes ago.

"Hmm. . .Well, I can't put it together," Rachel shrugged.

There was a light chuckle from Cloud.

"Eh?" asked both Rachel and Yuffie in unison.

"AAAHAHAAA!" Cloud laughed. "THAT IS LOVE IN THE AIR, MY LADIES!"

"Cloud, you're scaring me. . .," Rachel whimpered. "Unless. . .YOU FINALLY ACKNOWLEDGE MY LOVE FOR YOU!"

"Uh-NO!" said Cloud. "Just that under certain stressful circumstances such as this, is when a couple gets sad, and BURST OUT IN A FIT OF PASSION!" he declared.

"Cloud, you're scaring the people around us," Yuffie stated.

"They don't understand," Cloud said. "Heartless bastards."

"So. . .What you're saying is. . .," said Rachel, dawning upon an idea.

"YES. . ." said Cloud, encouraging her with hand motions, partially in disbelief someone could be so slow.

"So. . .this fit of passion must be. . . .OH MY GOD!" Rachel exclaimed. "LAURA AND VINCENT ARE SUICIDAL PACT-MAKER LOVERS! WE GOTTA STOP THEM BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!"

Cloud and Yuffie fell over. "NOOOOO!"

* * *

Vincent and Laura sat awkwardly in a stall, clothing half on. They seemed to refuse to make eye contact.

"So. . .THAT was awkward. . .," Laura finally said after a while.

"W-well. . .," said Vincent. "It's been a WHILE since I've been with a woman. . ."

Laura snickered.

"What? What!" asked Vincent. "What are you laughing at?" He seemed a little insulted.

"You called me a 'woman'," she said. "You used to call me a child."

"Well. . .," he said. "A lot of time has passed."

"Vincent, it's been a year."

"So?" he said innocently. "A lot of things can make a person. . .mature."

"VINNIE-CHAN!" she shouted, after huggling him. "Mine."

"Orrr. . .NOT. . .," he reasoned. "Um. . ." He sought out for some subject matter. "Will you be back for Christmas?"

"Probably not. . .," said Laura. "I think that's partly the reason they want me there. And they don't see me together too often because they're divorced."

"Oh. . .Is it tough?" Vincent asked.

"No, it's been that way for a long time," Laura sighed. She turned the ring on her right hand that Vincent gave her.

"You still have that?" he asked, turning around to finally see her completely.

"Yeah," she said, with a light laugh. "Whenever I'm nervous, I start to turn it. It's not like I should be nervous, but uh. . ."

"What?"

"Er. . .Would it surprise you I'm 18 and I'm still a virgin?" she asked, with a slight hint of dread.

". . . .I wouldn't know. I lost mine at 16," he replied.

"HOT DAMN!" said Laura, then blushed to realize she was in a public restroom. "Um, I mean. . .I know it's getting younger these days and that there are like, 14 year-olds that do it, but. . ."

"Do it when you're ready," he said. "And good thing you told me."

"Why?" asked Laura, a little confused.

He smiled and snickered. "I wouldn't want your first time to be in the girls' bathroom."

Laura scowled, and grabbed his hand. "Oh, how sweet and considerate of you. . ." She pulled it up and looked at it, then turned his ring, too. "Okay, you're gonna promise me now."

"In the girls' bathroom?" he asked, a little uncomfortably.

"Does it matter?" she sighed. "All right." She looked very determined look, almost as if she really were a child. "I promise that I'll come home soon. Rain or shine, no matter what." She smiled and hugged him, then quickly let him go. She was energetic to hear his. "So? What is your promise?"

"I promise. . .," he said, thinking for a moment. "I promise to do what I do best."

Suddenly, she took on a very coy look and blushed. "Oh my. Vincent, YOU DEVIL."

"NOOO!" he shouted. "NOT THAT! Er. . .Only when you're ready, though."

Laughing, she asked again. "What's the promise?"

"To protect you," he said. "And to come for you if you don't return."

Blinkingly, she replied. ". . .Okay, sounds good."

"Sounds. . .good?" he asked. "What? Something else you have in mind?"

"Well, that first one sounded nice. . .," she said, with the coy look again.

"WHAT! THAT WAS NOT AN IDEA! YOU MADE THAT ONE OUT OF A MISUNDERSTANDING!"

"Oh my," said a demure voice, whose hand had opened the stall to see them together. "How romantic." It was Yuffie.

"Y-Yuffie!" asked Laura. "Um. . .How much DID you hear?"

"L-Laura. . .," Rachel sniffled, looking shocked who appeared beside Yuffie. "Y-you're. . .YOU'RE GONNA BE A WOMAN! I SALUTE YOU!" She immersed her friend in a bear hug. "AND IT'S BY VINCENT'S CLAW, NO LESS!"

"Sounds painful," Yuffie blinked. "Have fun with that."

"Ouchie," Laura concurred. "Uh, by the way, what time is it?"

"4:33," said Rachel. "Why?"

"OUTTA MY WAAAAAY!" Laura plowed through Yuffie and Rachel and out the door, and unfortunately for Vincent, she was still tugging onto his arm.

"WAAAUUUUGH!" Unexpectedly by him at least, he was dragged out of the ladies' room, and despite the number of looks he received while exiting, he kept running but trying to slow here down. "HOW LATE ARE YOU!"  
"TEN MINUTES!" Laura yelled back. "RUUUN!"

* * *

"And that's what happened," said Rachel, talking to Tifa the hour after this incident.

"That. . .," Tifa sighed, "is. . .THE DUMBEST STORY I HAVE EVER HEARD!" She abruptly smacked Rachel over the head, and pointed into the dojo. "I have a class to teach. So, I want 600 sit-ups from the BOTH of you. . ." She also looked at Yuffie, meekly waving in a dark green uniform and Rachel in a black and blue uniform in which the colors were separated in a diagonal slant from the shirt to the pants, wearing a brown belt. ". . .You're only a brown belt?"

"It's intermediate. . .," Rachel said, innocently. "I'd be a rank higher but I forgot to turn my papers for testing in. That, and I had stopped for a few years so it took me a while to relearn all the forms and stuff. . ."

"Idiot. . .," Tifa sighed, wearing a uniform with a white shirt, black bottom, and her worn black belt with six little gold notches on the end.

"UH. . .UH-BUH!" Rachel and Yuffie were staring at the little notches. "Since WHEN did you have time to become a sixth degree black belt!"

"I lived in a BAR in the SLUMS after I left my sheltered little MOUNTAIN village, and I was already trained somewhat," Tifa shrugged. "Not only was it something I did well, but I practically HAD to in Midgar. But enough of my life story! GET CRACKIN'!" She spun around and kicked Rachel into the dojo.

Rachel landed flat on her butt, sobbing. "Waaah. . ."

"Uh, I'll just get going. . .," said Yuffie, walking towards the class. "Why did you want me here?"

"You're a ninja, aren't you?" asked Tifa.

There were a few whispers exchanged by the class at this question.

"Yeah. . .Best damn ninja, EVER. . .," said Yuffie, confidently. "But I'm sorta better at the. . .kleptomaniac perks?"

"Ahahahaha, no Steal command materia for you," Tifa grumbled. "C'mon, let's teach these kids."

"You MADE these?" asked a store manager to Lucrecia. The store looked to be like a giant toy store, all geared for the holidays.

"Nyess, it wasn't too hard," said Lucrecia, very vainly. "Muahaha, nothing can hold a candle to my genius!"

The store manager was a little confused, but looked at the little Cloud plushie in his hands. "I'm not sure if we can actually put these in stock. Will kids actually want them?"

Some 16 or something teenager ran up to Lucrecia. "FF7!"

Suddenly, the heads of other teenagers, dragged along with their younger siblings for their Christmas haul, parents, or those just staring at the videogames charged over. "FF7!"

"Eheheheh," Lucrecia laughed nervously. "Want one?" She pulled out a little Aeris.

Most of them looked like they were about to cry. "AEERRIIISSS! WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

"Lucrecia, you left the car unlocked. . .," said Aeris, running in and standing beside Lucrecia. "For a brilliant scientist, you sure don't have a lot of common sense."

The teenagers were now bug-eyed. "AAAEEERRRIIIIIIIS!"

"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"

* * *

"Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY-OUCHIE!"

Gast stepped on Zack's foot. "Quit it. . .We're looking for a dangerous man, here."

"Uh-HUH. Well, YOU look like an idiot," said Zack, pointing out Gast's interesting wardrobe.

He looked like a British explorer from the late 1800's, what with wearing only tan clothes; shorts, button-up shirt, and the round tan helmet. He looked straight from The Jungle Book. "It's STYLISH. . .," Gast said, meekly.

"It's STUPID. . .," said Zack. "And aren't you cold in that? It's December."

"I'm dead, I'll live. . .," Gast replied, brushing off that fact.

"And you married him. . .why?" asked Zack to Ifalna.

"Oh, he's just so cute," Ifalna sighed. ". . .But really, shorts don't really suit you, dear."

"EVERYONE'S against me. . .," mumbled Gast, a little resentfully.

"Uh. . .," said Surka. "Can we worry more about Sephiroth and a little less about what pants Gast is wear-!" She stopped a little short as she turned around to the front, to face a tall man with silver hair and green, almost snake-ish green eyes.

"Finally," he said, pausing a little. "So. . .Can we get out of here now?"

"NYAHAHAAA!" Zack shouted, pointing a finger to Sephiroth. "I KNEEWW IT! I KNEWWW IT!"  
"Who gave YOU sugar and let you free, huh?" asked Surka, a little freaked out. "Knew what?"

"We'd find him, naturally," he said, trying to look professional after his little outburst. "Can't hide from a SOLDIER, First Class."

Sephiroth sighed, and stepped forward, holding onto his injured side. "Ahem. . .," he coughed in a stout manner. "Let's go. . ."But he winced suddenly, sinking slowly.

Surka knelt down, trying to examine the wound. "You got this when you fought those guys, didn't you?"

"No, a squirrel bit me," he said sardonically, leering back up at her. "What else?"

She rolled her eyes and sighed. "Let me see it."

"No."

"Let me see it!"  
"Get away from it! I'm fine!"  
"You're such a woman!"  
"I AM NOT!"

"I think he is," Zack sighed, scratching his head nervously. "Read him his Miranda Rights?"

"Oh, right. . .," said Ifalna, reaching into a pocket and strangely pulling out a long scroll. "Okay. . .Sephiroth, you are in violation of-

"That's funny," he said, still holding Surka's hands away. "You're saying like I almost did something wrong."

"But. . .you DID. . .," said Zack. "You know. . .bloody massacre?"

"I call it self-defense," Sephiroth spat back at him, growling and wincing when Surka managed to get on his wound. "AHHG! YOUR HANDS ARE LIKE ICE!"  
"It's WINTER. DEAL WITH IT," she said, looking at it and checking for infection. "Don't you carry Restore materia?"  
"Restore materia is for girls," he said, stubbornly. "Real men carry attack materia. Like FIRE."

"That's funny Sephiroth, you used to have Restore materia everywhere," Zack blinked. "But I guess that was just a phase. . .before, y'know, going crazy. Listen. . .," he leaned over on a wall, "just hear us out. Don't you feel guilt?"

"Don't know the meaning of the word," he mumbled, while Surka started healing him. "My conscience ran off with my innocence a long time ago."

Surka snickered.

"NOT LIKE THAT!" he yelled, then winced again. "Dammit. . ."

* * *

"Lucrecia. . .I feel uncomfortable. . .," Aeris said.

"WHAAAAT!" Lucrecia bellowed back.

They were in the midst of a crowd.

"I SAID, I DON'T FEEL COMFORTA-

"WHAAAAAT!" Lucrecia yelled back. "I CAN'T HEAAAR YOUUUU!"  
"Tell me something I DON'T know. . .," Aeris mumbled.

"WHAAAT!"  
"GODDAMMIT, LUCRECIA!" Aeris shouted in frustration.

The crowd of fanboys drew a long silence.

"I mean. . .," Aeris grumbled. "Oh golly shucks gee whiz, I sure do feel a mite uncomfortable so I might wanna skeedaddle in a jiffy, Lu."

"Right," nodded Lucrecia, in the silence, tallying the sales of her newly created plushies. "But who will help me sell these?" She pointed the ball pen in her hand towards the large stock of miscellaneous plushies behind her.

"Make someone else do it," she sighed. "Somebody these people like."

"BUT, WE LOVE YOU AERIS!" shouted the fanboys.

"Just when you thought you were an unloved character. . .," Aeris blinked. "And people wonder about my drinking penchant."

"Hmm. That DOES explain a lot," said Lucrecia. "But, c'mon Aeris. . .," Lucrecia started to say, while the throng of otaku started to cause their usual din again. "Pwease? Do it for widdle Cloudy." She pulled on the cord of a Cloud plush.

"Nyeheh! Boobies!" it chimed.

"Oh. Might wanna change that. . .," Lucrecia said examining it carefully, taking a screwdriver to its head.

Aeris sighed nervously, and gave into the crowd. "Okay. . .but only for a little while."

"Yay!" said Lucrecia, her smile clearly revealing her approval. "Five hundred more plushies, and you're free."

"WAAAHHH!"

"I feel like I died from the inside out," said Rachel, lying flat on the blue mat floor of the dojo. "And it's not because Tifa's the instructor."

"Oh, really?" asked Steve, still doing his regimen of push-ups. "Seemed to me like it."

"RACHEL! OFF YOUR LAZY ASS!" Tifa growled.

"R-right, Tifa. . ." Rachel stood up and scratched her head. "But what can I do? I can't teach a class."

"Would you prefer to be the punching bag?"  
"As per usual?" Rachel said, a whine in her voice.

"Get moving," said Tifa, pointing to the rest of the class. "Maybe you'll learn something here that you couldn't before."

"How creepy sounding," said Rachel, slightly wide-eyed, thinking about it.

"Weirdo. . .," Tifa sighed. "All right, I think we should, right now, learn the secret to an effective fighting technique."

"STEROIDS! BOVINE GROWTH HORMONE!" Rachel shouted, raising her hand.

An irritable Tifa replied. "Why do you think THAT?"  
"Well, it seems pretty obvious to me you've taken those. . .," Rachel replied, shyly.

Some of the class stifled giggles.

"It's the result of training. AND IT'S GENETIC, ALL RIGHT!" Tifa sniffled. "Geez. Anyway, effective fighting does not rely within muscle strength. A good example is tai-chi, which does not require so much strength entirely." Tifa started to pace along the front of the class. "A normal punch could do this." Walking up to a bag, she took a simple stance and punched, and being as strong as she was, the 200-pound or so kick bag shifted back and fell over.

The class watched now with interest (and I would too, if I saw a 5'4" woman do that).

"All right," Tifa said, bending over to correct the bag back. "There's physical strength at work for you. But you can also use the manipulation of the energy in things around you, creating force. That is like tai-chi in itself." She shifted back into a stance, and stuck her right foot a little farther back, then circled her hands into fists to one side of her waist. "Tai-chi's philosophy is to control 'chi', 'qi', 'ki', whatever you want to call it. . .Either way, it's still the same force." Slowly, her hands circled again. "But you can't just use physical strength alone to be a strong fighter. You can't do it by your strength alone." Her eyes narrowed now, focusing on the bag.

"A ruse, I bet. . .," muttered a student. "I've seen it done before, on TV."

Her eye glanced back, and suddenly she grabbed the hand of the student.

"H-huh!" He looked up at her, as he was just a kid. "I-I'm sorry sensei, I didn't mean to-

"It's fine," she said, not angrily at all, still holding his hand. "Okay?"

"Uh, okay. . .," he said. "But wh-

Before he could say anything else, she pushed out his palm forward, and the air in the room seemed to gust and empty itself onto the back, throttling itself to the back of the dojo and neatly tapping against the wall.

"A. . .Ah. . .eh?" the student went, blinkingly. "B-but. . .Y-y'know, I saw strings. . .Yeah. . ."

"No strings attached," she said, a little clichéd. "But that was all your chi, not mine."

The class was silent and suddenly stirred, muttering about each other, a few cheers coming from his friends.

"It was probably for the best," she sighed. "If I had done it, there might not be wall there, anymore. . ."

"It's true," Rachel grumbled, only expecting something this impressive from Tifa. "I've seen the stratosphere. Don't mess with The Chest."

"Say what?" Tifa leered back with an eerie glint in her eye.

"N-nothing!"

"I thought so. . .," said Tifa, clasping her hands together. "All right! Put on your gear for sparring!"

* * *

"Hey, do you guys know where Lucrecia went?" asked Vincent. He seemed unperturbed by the strange looks from everyone as he went back home, for he still only seemed to wear his usual clothes outside of school.

"Some toystore," said Mike, flipping through the TV Christmas commercials on the couch. "Personally, I don't know if that's good or bad."

"Probably not, knowing her," yawned Condrugon, on a nearby recliner. "Never is."

"I've never spent Christmas with other people in half a millennia, you know that?" asked Wraith. "I wonder if Tifa or Aeris would mind me putting up a mistletoe, nyeheheheh. . ."

Mars, sitting at the table with a beer, paused. "Mm, Kiro with mistletoe. . ."

"Dude, I think she would make out with you even WITHOUT the mistletoe," Mike sighed.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, as you deliberate your holiday girl troubles. . .," Vincent concluded, walking out the door, "I believe I know where she went, anyway."

"Aren't you gonna change. . .?" asked Wraith. "That's just weird."

"I'm fine," Vincent said, walking out the door, and shutting it into the cold winter air.

"That's not exactly what I was aiming for, but okaaay. . .," Wraith shrugged. "So. . .mistletoe. . .hm. . ."

* * *

"I don't like Christmas," said Dayna, standing out in the cold in a jacket outside the coffee shop.

"WHAT!" shouted Konoshi. "I mean, the happiness and goodwill part is disgusting, but the materialism is AWESOME!"

"I meant sitting around in the cold, ringing this stupid bell. . ." She was obviously collecting money as donations to the homeless shelters.

"Ha ha, your job SUCKS," Konoshi cackled. "I have my little subordinate in there for me while my manager is out."

"Konoshiiii. . .?" Chikara simpered. "How do the machines work agaaaaiiin. . .? Konoshiiii. . .?" She was sitting behind the counter, wondering how the cappuccino machines operated. "U-um. . ." On the tips of her toes, she started to pull out the coffee filters and replace them, looking into the tops. "Why did I have to be born so short. . .?" she sniffled. "I'm the only one shorter than Laura. . ."

"I felt a demeaning thought directed at me," said Laura, squinting her eyes as she buckled up on the plane for take-off. "SOMEBODY thinks I'm a midget, huh. . .? I'M FIVE ONE! FIIIIVE OONNNEEE!"

"Mommy, the crazy lady is scaring me. . .," a little boy whimpered in the adjacent row.

"Don't worry honey, if you don't make eye contact, the crazy lady should leave you alone. . .," said the mother, turning her son's head away.

Laura growled and slumped in her seat, hoping to take off before the gray clouds above started to snow. "Merry Christmas, my ass."

* * *

"I felt somebody thinking about Laura's ass," Vincent blinked, back away at the front of the toy store. "Oh, well. . ." He creeped open the door. "Lucrecia, are you h-WHAT THE HELL!"  
"HIIII, VINCENNNNT!" Lucrecia waved spacily at him, a broad smile planted on her face. "COME ON IN, THE SALES ARE HOT!"

The store manager was crying tears of joy. "We're getting twice our Christmas revenue just on this one thing. . .BONUS! BOONNUUSSS!" he sobbed.

"Weirdo," Vincent said, bluntly. He walked through the crowd of people, which seemed to mysteriously part and some drew silent at him. "What, is it my breath?"

"They fear and admire you at the same time," said Lucrecia. "Like Laura, except without the fear and admiration and put in some obsession and desire for 'private time'."

"Then how would that be like Laura at all. . .," Vincent wondered quizzically. "And I wouldn't quite say that."

"VINCENT! VINNCENNT! SIGN MY FOORREHEAAAD!" shrieked this girl holding up a sharpie.

"WEIRD," he blinked again. "Are they selling well?"

"What do YOU think?" Aeris sighed, rushing back and forth to fill the demands. "The crowd is smaller, but. . .BUT. . ."

In the corner sat this small group of fanboys, occasionally turning to ogle her ass.

"I FEEL VIOLATED!"

"How can you possibly feel violated from that?" asked Lucrecia. "Besides, I stare at yours ALL the time and you say NOTHING!"  
Aeris was a ghastly white.  
"Huh?" Lucrecia blinked. "Oh right! I meant it's just because you're the last Cetra so you'd be WONDERFUL experimental material!"  
"E-experimental. . .?" Aeris muttered in her blank state.

"You might as well give up, I guess," Vincent shrugged.

"Give up ogling her ass?"

"Um. . .sure, why not?" he said. "But when you're thinking she'd be a good guinea pig, why stare at her ass?"

"Why stare at her ASS!" she exclaimed. "Why stare at her FACE or her CHEST or her NAUGHTY BITS!" Lucrecia was now shouting, throwing her arms up in the air. "You get NOTHING!" And with that, she proudly marched off. "A RESEARCHER YOU ARE NOT, VINCENT VALENTINE!"

He sighed. "If that is what makes you a 'researcher', the Turks must be smarter than Gast."

* * *

"Somebody was thinking about me," said Reno. "And I DO believe 'twas a pretty maiden with long black hair, haha!" he laughed, half drunk.

"Since when did we have inherent psychic abilities?" asked Elena, sitting at the bar with a pink flush to her face.

Rude shrugged. ". . ."

* * *

On the other hand, to people who should NOT have inherent psychic abilities, Rufus Shinra was standing in line at a bookstore, looking down at a table of books to the side of the line, when he heard. . .THE VOICE (we're not talking white text nightmares like Cloud, people).

"Ruffy!" Keily was waving to him in line behind the counter. "You came to visit me at work!"

"Uh. . .," he was trying to find some excuse to avoid her.

"Come on Ruffy, I'll check you out here!" she smiled.

"Somehow, I feel that has double meanings. . .," he simpered. "Is anybody else open?"

The row of cashiers were filled.

"Anybody at all?"

Nobody made a move.

"Hey buddy, move your white-pant wearin' ass!" said an angry customer behind him. "Just go to the register, fer Chrissake!"

"BUT YOU DON'T KNOW!" Rufus shouted at the customer. "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S LIKE!" he sniffled.  
"Ruffy-kun!" she said, still happy and waving.

"FINE!" he shouted, marching up to Keily.

The line of customers behind him clapped and cheered.

"OH, SHUT UP!" he yelled at them. "Smart alecks. . .No funny business," he said, pushing the book he selected onto the counter.  
"Funny business?" asked Keily, putting the book under the scanner. "What. . .do. . .YOU. . .MEAAAAN!" She was obviously having issues with the broken scanner. "WORK!" Suddenly, she picked up the scanner like a ray gun and started blasting red light at the book. "HOWDYA LIKE THAT, HUH! HUH!"

"Boop!" Finally, it worked.

"Ahh. . .," she said, contentedly. "Ruffy-kun?"

He seemed blank.

"I-I'm sorry Ruffy-kun," she laughed nervously. "It's just that. . .Ruffy-kun?"

What he seemed to actually be staring at was out the window where he could've sworn he saw some telltale silver hair. "O-oh, nothing. Did you scan it yet?"

Keily was silent. ". . .You're weird, Big Brother."

"STOP CALLING ME THAT!"  
"Ruffy-kun!"  
"Never mind. . .," he grumbled. "I'm gonna go now, okay?"

"Perfectly fine with me," she said calmly. "SKY, I'M GOING ON MY BREAK NOW!"  
"Be sure the door doesn't hit you on the way out. . .," she muttered, browsing over a magazine.

"OUCH!"  
"Mmhmm. . ," she said, still flipping it over.

"W-what?" asked Rufus. "O-okay. . .," he said. "But if that's the case and if what I saw is accurate, I get to use you as a meat shield."

"Ruffy-kun. . ." Without hearing a word, she was already snuggled up on his arm.

"I'LL TAKE THAT AS A 'YES'. . .," he said, trying to stifle the curses coming from his mouth. "LET'S. . .GO. . ."

* * *

"I. . .I think I just died a little on the inside. . .," Rachel panted, almost having to crawl out of the dojo.

Steve was flat on his back. "I just did a thousand push ups. Feel grateful. . ."

"Tifa, did you really intend to kill all the people in that class?" said Yuffie, walking out a little bit sweaty. "You made me sweat! I NEVER sweat! Those poor little people should've DIED!"

"I wouldn't say that so loud, Yuffie. . .," said Tifa. "And I didn't even break a sweat.

"'Cause you're inhuman," said Yuffie. "You carry twice the load here as anyone, and you're just fine!"  
"Twice the load. . ?" Tifa pondered. "Don't think I want to know. . ."

* * *

"Surka, so what are you doing here?" Sephiroth asked, standing up at full health. "We were separated, and I knew you were here, but. . ."  
"I'm staying with Cloud and the rest," Surka replied. "I know it's odd, but it seems Tifa feels that I could do with a second chance. . .I guess she doesn't know of many worse things that have happened that I have done, or that you're even alive. . . Although, it's just more likely that she doesn't think you're here in this world. How did you know I was here, anyway?"

Sephiroth nodded his head towards the angelic trio.

"Heheheh. . .," Zack chuckled. "Useful for more than miracles and opportunities! We're like a heavenly mapquest!"

Ifalna and Gast struck him an odd gaze. "S'cuse me, but we don't give maps, or the scenic route in all our directions."

Surka tilted her head and decided to get to the heart of the matter. "Sephiroth, I guess I'm with you again now. . .What's the plan?"

He had a narrow gaze and crooked smile. "I have an idea. . ."

"Hey-lo there. . .," said Kiako, typing on her laptop, putting on a pair of goggles.

"Stylish," Jessie commented, sitting next to her in the Internet café. "What's up?"  
"Huge downtown fire. . .,' Kiako replied, typing madly. "Breaking news. I'm hacking into a satellite right now."

"How many times have I told you that hacking into a satellite will get the café in trouble. . .?" Chikara sighed.

"The boss isn't around," Jessie noted.

"OH, SWEET!" Chikara shouted. "HACK AWAY, LADY!"

"Shhhh. . .!" Kiako hushed. "It's a government satellite. . .Maps and tracking and stuff. I can only be here so long, and I personally, I think I'd like to take a peek." She typed in a few passwords, and all were denied. "Hmph. . ."

"Lemme see," said Jessie, taking the laptop aside. A few moments typing and a click sent them forward into the satellite system.

"What did you type?" Kiako blinked.

"BushWearsPanties," said Jessie. "I figured it was something to that extent."  
"Nothing like accepting the truth. . .," said Chikara, scratching her head.

"Now, here we go!" Kiako said with enthusiasm. "Hm, by the looks of it, it's getting-HOOBAHWHATSIT!"  
"That's a new one," said Jessie. "I like it."

"EXPLOSIONS!" said Kiako. "Think we're under attack?"  
Chikara was already wearing an oversized helmet and a camo version of the apron she has to wear at work. "I AWAIT ORDERS, CAPTAIN!"

"Look, look, look. . .," said Jessie, pointing to a black blip on the screen. "Zoom in."

Kiako froze the screen, and zoomed in, frame by frame, until they came up with an identifiable face.

The face looked back and smiled its crooked smile and a flash came from its narrow eyes, when the screen blanked out.

"Time expired. . .Set a timer to boot us out before we were caught. . .," said Kiako. "But, we most definitely know who that is. . ."

* * *

"What's this?" Laura sat on her flight with the announcement it was canceled.

"Explosions downtown. They think it's terrorist activity," explained the passenger at her side. "Scary, how this can happen. . .I suggest you call your family and get to them fast."

The problem was, Laura's family was already overseas. But, she did have another family to think about. "Right," said Laura, nodding with a smile, getting out of her seat.

"Please, stay seated, ma'am," said the flight attendant. "We can't let the passengers off the plane yet."

"Come on. . .!" one person groaned. "I think it would be safer if we got off the runway and let us back into the terminal!"  
"Let us go back to our families!" cried another. "We can get our luggage later!"  
"I'm sorry!" the flight attendant apologized. "But, I can't-!  
"Lookie here, lady!" said Laura, turning fiery. "I SIT HERE FOR AGES, THINKING I'M GOING TO SEE MY FAMILY FOR THE HOLIDAYS, I LEAVE MY BOYFRIEND BACK HERE, AND HE'S DEFINITELY THE SEXIEST THING WITH A CLAW YOU'VE EVER SEEN. . .!" she went on, shouting. "AND THEN YOU CUT ME OFF FROM ALL MY FRIENDS HERE! BESIDES, AIRPLANE FOOD SUCKS!"  
"YEAH! WE AGREE WITH THE CRAZY GIRL!" they all shouted in agreement.

"Right. . ." Laura grumbled. "THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH ONE CAN TAKE! I SAY WE STORM THE PLANE!"  
Everyone was silent.

"Uh. . .I SAY WE BUST ON OUT OF HERE!"  
"YEAAAHHHH!" the cheered, charging from their seats. "POWER TO THE PASSENGERS!"

* * *

"Eh?" Tifa was looking at a TV out in the window of an electronics shop.

"Ooh, fire," said Rachel, stopping next to her. "I guess some arson happened down in the city."  
"That happen all the time?" Steve asked.  
"Sure makes me sleep better at night, right?" Yuffie chimed in. "Can we get home now? It's freezing, and I'm not done all my Christmas shopping. . ."

Tifa looked at her funny. "Yuffie, you're not Christian. . ."

"I CAN CELEBRATE WHAT I WANT!" she declared.

"Explosions? Terrorists?" Steve asked. "Should we hurry back?"  
"Hmm. . .," Tifa picked up a ringing PHS. "Tifa here."

"YOSH!" shouted the three from the café. "WE'RE GONNA DIE!"  
"No, you're not. . .," said Tifa. "Unless Konoshi is in charge there."

"Well, yeah. . .But that's not it!" they said.  
"GERROFF!" There was a few shouts and thuds in the background, and then it was only Jessie's voice. "Hi, Tifa!"  
Tifa laughed nervously. "Yeah?"  
"Get home quickly, if you please," she said. "We're already on our way out."

"What's going on?" she asked, concerned.

"Something we all wished didn't have to be," Jessie replied simply. "We'll fill you in when everyone arrives."

* * *

"WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA, SEPHIROTH!" Ifalna shouted, amidst the blaze.

"The first stage is to bump Cloud and the others out of the picture," he replied. "If we drag them out here, they fight on our terms."

"It's really hot. . .," Surka groaned. "Such ideal fighting conditions, huh.. . .?"

"You'll get used to it," he replied. "We can't resume our plan of power if they're always here to stop us."

"Yeah, but you seem to be forgetting something. . .," said Zack.

"Don't worry, I'm only lighting up the abandoned houses, with the dried, wooden and nailed windows and doors. . .Dried up and rickety floors, stuff nobody will miss, and stuff that makes perfect kindling," Sephiroth smiled. "Now, we wait."

* * *

"What's the big plan here, chief?" Kiako saluted, goggles still firmly on her forehead. She filled Tifa in with all the details, which left her silent.

"Such a merry Christmas," said an exasperated Vincent, back with Aeris and Lucrecia. "But, I do agree with Kiako."

"There's really not much strategy to it. . ," said Tifa, quietly in thought. ". . .Cloud, do you have anything to say?"

He was clearly unnerved by the situation. "That guy never knows when to leave. . .," he mumbled, sifting his hands through his hair. "Well. . .There's not much else. He'll keep causing damage until we fly into his net. It's definitely a setup. . ."  
Christina slowly walked up and touched his arm.

He smiled reassuringly. "It'll be okay," he said, but then walked away after losing eye contact.

She stared at the back at him with unease, and severely doubted his words.

"We have to act quickly," Tifa decided. "We can't let innocent people get hurt. I think a few of us know what it's like when we lose people along with a section of a city."

Barret, Cloud, and Aeris all exchanged gazes. Even Red knew of the destruction, although was not there to fully witness the leftover embers and ashes of the fallen sector.

"It's probably a trap, like Cloud says," she replied. "But, I think we can send him back crashing to where he came from."

Cloud smiled with confidence. "Yeah, that's the Tifa we know!"  
"It certainly is," Aeris said with a calm grin.

"Ready for it?" said Barret. "Ya' know, it's rare when I get a word in edgewise."

Tifa had a coy smile. "It's not over yet! No getting off this train we're on!"  
"This train we on don't make no stops!" said Barret, leading the rest. "Suit up, you slackers!"  
"Be strong!" said Rachel and Tifa together.

Tifa shot her a glance. "Hm?"  
"Heheh," Rachel laughed. "I knew you'd say it, like you always do," she said. "But somehow, it makes me feel a whole lot better when you do. YAIII!" Her equipment was chucked at her briskly.

"Go ahead, put it on," said Lucrecia, knowing more than she let on, as usual.

Rachel looked down at what seemed to be an ordinary white shirt with open stomach, sleeves stopping at the elbow, undone neck collar, bucked and buttoned front, and flap in the back of the shirt. Along with it were two, thick black belts, on for the waist, and one for the arm. A pair of long, blue pants, steel-toed boots, and titan bangle outfitted with a summon completed the assortment.

"And here," said Tifa, handing her a red ribbon. "It's yours. Merry Christmas. I know you wore one just like it, but it was just about the only thing we couldn't find with us. . ."

"And, your sword," said Cloud, handing her a new blade.

Its hilt was simple, much like his, and the blade itself was thick. Simple and missing a long, rectangular piece in the back, while having a circular piece cut into the upper portion of the razor-sharp cutting edge left it looking like any stab would not just hurt, but hook you to the blade itself. By no means was it fancy, but it didn't make it look any less effective.

"This is all my old stuff. . .," said Rachel, in a bit of awe, and taking the new sword and ribbon.

"I knew the old one broke, so I had a new one made for you. Nice how they have a sword and knife shop in that mall thingy. They really do have everything you'd want to buy there," Cloud said, grinning. "I hope you like it. I know you're used to wielding katanas, but. . ."

"It's great!" said Rachel. "I get a huge sword, just like you!"  
"Well, I dunno. . .," he said with a perverted smile. "I mean, look at me. . ."

"Dummy," said Tifa, slapping his back. "Get your ass in gear! Scoot!"

"Don't wanna get you mad!" he said, running off in the scurry. "Come on, let's move faster!" he shouted, to everyone else.

Tifa slapped Rachel's back. "Don't die on me, slacker," she said, with a slight smile.  
"You know it's hard to get rid of me," Rachel smiled back. "Thanks."

"Save the pleasantries for later!" she said, running off to make sure everyone was done. "Go and change, we have another world to save!"

"Si, captain!" Rachel saluted, clicking her heels together. "We're off!" She bolted away to the next bathroom to gear up.

* * *

Laura was on the cold airstrip, trying to make her way past security, back into the terminal. The guards were admitting them, after a brief check, and told them when and where they would be reunited with their luggage. But more valuable to her were the small blurbs of information she would catch. So far, she had learned the place was close to the Inner Harbor, and you clearly couldn't miss the fire. Firemen were having tough times reaching all the places of the fire, and roads were being blocked off from all ways to the inferno. She didn't understand what was going on, but she knew she had to be there. There was something more to just a fire springing up out of nowhere, with such sheer force and rapidness in its spreading.

"Know where I can get a cab?" she asked a guard hurriedly.

"Yeah, by the front," he replied. "But good luck catching one. Hm?"

"THANKS!" She waved back to him behind her back and turned around without looking twice.

He sighed. "Everyone's in such a rush today. . ."

"Tifa?" Cloud was waiting on the porch, night having been settled for quite some time. It was probably almost midnight.

"What?" she sighed, as the last of the preparations were being made.  
"Good job," he congratulated. "You seem to be handling this well."

"Well, I am your common sense leader, you know," she replied.

A few came out from the house, ready to leave. "What now?" they asked.

"Go over there and wait," she replied, the corner of her mouth upturned, barely noticeable. "Our ride will be there in a moment."

They shrugged and ran off, figuring she had arranged for something.

"H-hey, Tifa!' said Rachel, just fastening her arm belt. "What's happening?"  
"WHADDYA THINK!" she shouted, then calmed down. "Er. . .Sorry. Old habits."

"S'okay," Rachel shrugged. "Eh?" She was being scooted off by Tifa's hand.

"Go over there and be useful," she nodded, towards the others moving across the street.

"Hai!" Rachel explained, running towards them, as well as she could with the new, heavy sword. "I-I'M COMING!"  
Tifa made a happy sigh, but a worried face.

". . . . .I know, you're worried," said Cloud. "I felt that way before any major battle I knew we'd have to face. But nobody's going to die."

"Thanks, that makes me feel so much better," Tifa replied sarcastically. "She can do it, I know. I just don't know why I still worry. . ."

"It's natural," he shrugged. "And, just WHERE are YOU going?"

Christina was trying to sneak in with them all. "What?"

"You can't come," he said. "You don't know how to fight, and I don't want you getting hurt."

"Dad, just please-

"_Christina_. . .," he started to lecture. "No, you're not coming."  
"But, I know I can help!" she said. "You know I'm smart, and-

"No, and that's it," he said. "Go back inside, and wait here. We'll be okay, I promise."

She put on a sour face, and grudgingly skulked back inside.

Tifa rolled her eyes. "Harsh?"

"Come on!" He was shouting to the last people inside, jogging up and towards the group. He seemed final in his decision, and hurried to the others, Tifa following in tow.

"So, what's the plan?" asked Condrugon. "Get a hot vehicle, storm in, and bust some ass?"

"Well, not quite. . .," said Tifa, adjusting her gloves. She closed her eyes in a brief moment of silence, and sharply thrust her hand to the sky, a pulse of energy being sent into the clouds. They immediately began to part, a seal just noticeably being caught, with a screech crashing from the center.

"Oh. . .," said Holly. "This again."

The great dragon king shot like a bullet towards the ground, then pumping its wings to slowly decelerate.

"Let's go, let's go!" she shouted, while the wind from its wings blew past them like a mild tornado. "Climb on!"

"I never get tired of this. . .," said Cloud.

"Well, neither do I," Aeris replied, taking his hand, and charging forward with him as the group made their hurried approach.

Quickly, everyone took places on Bahamut, readying himself for takeoff, and before they knew it, felt the wings beating as strongly as they remembered, and soaring up from all obstructions.

* * *

"HEY, CABBIE!" Laura just knocked an elderly man from his place beside the cab door. "TAKE ME AS CLOSE AS YOU CAN TO THE INNER HARBOR!"  
He stared incredulously. "In a rush, aren't we?"  
"NO TIME, LET'S GO!" she shouted, jumping in and shutting the door. "I TOLD YOU WHERE, NOW LET'S GO!"

He sighed, thinking she had lost all sense (which may be quite apt), and sped off in the desired direction of the flames.

* * *

"You'd think the world is so calm from here. . .," said Sky, feeling the cold air brush against her. "Peaceful, even. . ."

"You're getting really into this, aren't you?" asked Keily. "I guess being worked up before a fight isn't really good, anyway."

"Nah, getting all tense before a fight is bad," said Steve, giving some pointers. "Relaxing is important. You don't want to get all strained out even before you throw a punch."  
Rachel sat around listening to the miscellaneous conversations. "You know, I wonder where Laura is right now," she pondered.

"Not here, thankfully," Vincent said, sitting down next to her. "I wouldn't want her to be at risk."

"Such faith you have in her," said Rachel. "But, I guess if I were you, I'd also agree."

"Ever been in a relationship before?" he asked.

"No," said Rachel, innocently.

"Good," he replied.

"Oh, I wouldn't say that. . .," said Kiro, wrapping her arms around her. "She has a relationship with ME. . ."

"Maybe a love/hate one. . .," said Rachel. "I hate that you love me, that's for sure. . ."

"COME ON, RACHEL! JUST ONE KISS BEFORE WE FIGHT! IF WORSE COMES TO WORSE, WE COULD HOLD EACH OTHER IN OUR ARMS, OUR LIVES FADING FROM WOUNDS. . .," Kiro fantasized.

"I'D RATHER NOT THINK ABOUT THAT!"

"Listen up, lovebirds!" Tifa grumbled, overhearing that bit. "We'll be there in a few minutes! You all know your part to play! Complete them successfully, and we'll win this one!"  
"What happened to our kind, compassionate leader?" asked Cloud. "You sound so stiff."

"You never had a kind and compassionate leader. Settle," Tifa replied. "Please, do your best!"  
"Why would we do any less?" asked Rachel. "WIN THIS FOR THE HOME TEAM! WOO!"  
"Good enough for me. . .," everyone shrugged.

* * *

"What now?"  
Laura and the cab were just turned away at a blocked street, due to the ensuing damage to the city.

"That's fine," she said, getting out and paying her fare. "Thanks a bunch!" She ran off before he could drive away.

"Okay, we're coming up to the fire!" Tifa announced, standing on the top of Bahamut's back, and what seemed the edge of the orange smattering on the black clouds in the sky. "We're going to fly lower, and hopefully land within the ring of explosions, where there should be a good chance there are less buildings on fire."

Rachel raised her hand, "Teacher, if it's in the ring of explosions, how are there supposed to be LESS on fire?"

Tifa ignored the first part. "Er, well, I don't have to use common sense all the time, right? Anyway, I'm trying to say there was a literal 'ring of fire', or at least close, because not everything is one fire," she said, trying to come off as convincing.

Nobody, of course, believed her. "Um. . .I guess we don't have any better ideas. . ."

"Right!" said Tifa, with more confidence. "So we'll drop off onto a roof, but Bahamut can't stay. . ."

"Why not?" asked Sky. "Wouldn't that be easier?"  
"I don't think we need to appear in the news with a giant dragon," said Tifa. "Any appearance with Bahamut will have to be brief. . .Sucks nut-bunnies, huh?"

There wasn't a word.

"I'm just trying to put this into simple language!" Tifa sighed.

Bahamut's neck craned down, and back began to arch, lurching forward towards the burning buildings.

"YOU THINK THERE WOULD BE SOME WARNING!" Rachel shouted, grasping onto Bahamut's scales.

"I THINK THE FIRE RIGHT ABOUT BELOW US WOULD BE A TIP-OFF!" Aeris shouted back.

* * *

Sephiroth smiled dangerously at the silhouette of the dragon. "Are you ready?"

Surka seemed fully prepared, having drawn her blade a few moments before, and already have checked her armor. "Yeah, I guess. . ."

"You seem unsure," said Sephiroth. "I expect you to fight to your utmost, unless there's something holding you back."

She had a nervous smile. "Well, I guess it's harder to fight your friends, rather than your enemies."

"But, _aren't_ they your enemies?" he asked, implying something.

"I guess now they are," she sighed, a little sadly. "I'm your guardian, and you can't win against fate. . ."

"No, I guess you can't. . .," he said, still watching the black shadow swoop low. "But, you can still fight it."

Everyone began dropping down to the roofs of the buildings that fire did not yet reach, or at least were slowly burning. Most made it safely. One other, however. . .

"AHHH!" Rachel's feet missed the edge of the building.

"Rachel!" Tifa dove after to the ledge, but her fingers just missed.

"WHY ME!" Rachel sobbed, careening to the ground. Clasping her hand, she threw a shot of Ice2 towards the ground, then cast barrier, hitting the ice like a slope. However, she was knocked off balance, then rolled on the hot pavement, quickly and painfully getting to her feet, trying to cure her wounds.

A burning tip of a blade touched her chin. "Sorry about this." Surka looked down at Rachel, her gaze being close to the coldest thing around.

"Mm?" Rachel looked up at her curiously, and smiled, despite it being serious. "I guess people are really hard to change. That's okay, though." Faster than Surka would know it, Rachel clapped her gloved palms onto the blade edge, and hopped back and onto her feet, taking her stance. "All people have a good spot in them."

Angrily, Surka rushed, sword pointed at her heels. "I tried throwing that part of myself away!"

The orange flames roared up as she swung.

Sephiroth had already thrown three people aside. Around him was this circle, a fiery arena, that seemed to actually obey his command. When he motioned his hand, the fire danced with it, and when he commanded it to, flames would actually diminish and end their own lives, without any question.

Cloud rushed forward with intense fervor, and sword held back much like Surka.

A fire-like beast rushed forth to meet him, as Sephiroth's hand commanded it to. By now, he had knocked past five others.

Without blinking, Cloud cut through the beast as it bounded and pounced. The cold, ice blue in his eyes could only shine more strongly against the orange backdrop, even though he raged with hatred of the foreshadowing demon.

Sephiroth's back was turned, dealing with four others in a single strike. Ruthlessly he cut through the flock of fighters with unmatched strength, not at all weakened as before. Within a second, he blocked a sword as he held his behind his back, without even turning to look.

The force of the swords colliding sent a ripple across the flames, while Rachel still fought Surka who gave no mercy, and the rest who were preoccupied with the fire beasts.

"Why!" asked Rachel, spinning to kill a fire beast, then to parry Surka.

"It's impossible!" Surka replied, the two circling, swords held out in aggressive stances. "I can't keep the side of me that is good if I must be guardian at the same time."

"You just protect him because you love him, right?" Rachel dove and swung upwards, while Surka sharply blocked and leapt back.

"I do it because I was chosen to!" Surka jumped high and assumed the same stance that reigned in the memories of those of Sephiroth and Aeris.

There was a red whirlwind and a silvery flash that tore across the air and hit Surka in the stomach hard enough to send her flying back. There was the metallic sound of a pole that hit the asphalt quite confidently, and out there stood Konoshi. "Heya, what are we talking about here, huh?"  
Surka growled. "This again?"  
Konoshi had a very displeased stance. "If anything, I'm the one who should be mad!" She angrily pointed the tip of her polearm at her and began walking in her direction. "First, you take my man, then my destiny, and you say it's killing you! I can tell you don't mean any of that 'tossing out my good side' crap! You can't live up to being his guardian! You have no potential." The blade tip stopped when it reached Surka's heart.

Surka had an angrily indifferent face. "So kill me if you think you're qualified."

The halberd swung around to the blunt pole and hooked her, pulling her up against a brick wall. "Killing you right now would serve me no pleasure if you didn't fight back."

Surka grimaced, but replied with some satisfaction, "Well said." She grabbed the weapon and pushed, freeing herself, jumped and landed upon the halberd itself, then leaped behind Konoshi, taking the defensive stance. "I'd love to see you scream before you die."

Rachel stood confused. "Is it just me, or do they just really like to make each other mad?"

Konoshi tilted her head towards Rachel, smiling surely (it seemed she didn't throw her anger at unrelated people). "Go catch up with the others! I've been dying to do this."

Rachel hesitated, but unwillingly ran off, after thinking the two would be fine. Well, she hoped.

Few stood in the burning remains of the fire. Bloody, Cloud, Tifa, and Vincent were the only who could still stand after retaining all the damage.

"Impressive," Sephiroth smiled, scuffed a little with a cut on his cheek. "But, you seem worse than the first time. Peace getting to you, Cloud?"

"You bastard. . .," Cloud muttered. "You don't have any semblance of humanity. . ."

"That's because I'm taking over my rightful place as a god," he said. "Only I have enough power to control, like how I puppeteer the fire. . .And, yourself."

"It's just a cheap illusion using fire materia!" Tifa shouted in complete rage. She herself took a hand, and made the fire dance just like he did. "You're strong, but detestably dull to be a god!"

His eyes became slits and the fire raged upward. "Pathetic," he uttered.

Tifa spat up blood. Before anyone could react, the hilt of the masamune was driven into her back; he charged forward before anyone could move.

"Tifa!" Cloud tried to catch her, until he screamed with a pain from the metal edge slicing his chest.

"Again, pathetic," Sephiroth remarked. "And what about you? The one who calls me 'son'."

Vincent emitted a pure rage as hot the fire that slowly engulfed the buildings. Wires were snapping and exploding, electric poles had topped over. His eyes bulged, and the red hue of his eyes deepened; his pupils shrank and he hunched in his cloak, completely lost to fire and his senses.

"Vincent!" Laura ran from behind. "Vincent, what's wrong!"  
His head reemerged, and it was dark and hairy, with two prominent horns on his skull. He growled and roared with an unparalleled anger.

Sephiroth smirked with amusement. "This ought to be good."

"Sephiroth!" The angelic trio was standing among the flames of a burning building. "I think that's enough. No killing."  
He smiled even more wildly and starting to laugh. "I don't even have to fight!"  
Vincent charged forward, towards Laura, losing sense of who was the enemy, and who wasn't.

Laura stood like a statue, firmly holding her ground. "Vincent! Wake up!"  
The powerful jaws snapped her side shut. She screamed and bled.

"They're destroying themselves!" Sephiroth remarked. "Surka!"

Surka pulled herself away with a few wounds, while Konoshi was still picking herself up from the pavement. "I hear ya'!"

"Vincent!" Laura had tears and fought back screaming in both fear and pain. "C-come on!" She could taste blood in her mouth. "T-that's not you. . .!"

The Galian Beast breathed out a burning growl that made her wince. It still kept its jaws clasped on her arm, and began to eye her strangely.

Laura slowly reached over to her bloody wound that went along her side and up to her arm, and she wondered why she wasn't finished off.

A loud split was heard; the wooden electric pole had snapped.

Vincent looked up and released her. She looked at the arm and side, seeing the damage and the blood run freely. Terrified, she collapsed, and so did the pole.

Again, he roared and charged. But rather than bite again, he blocked the pole, and it snapped against the strength of his back.

She was confused; wasn't he trying to kill her? The heat and the smoke had sooner defeated her than Vincent however; she muttered his name hopelessly before she passed out.

He opened his jaws to finish her off, but stopped and backed off. A few grunts escaped him, and he saw what he did. He was overcome with a fear and dread, and away through the fire.

Sephiroth was already departing.

The last one to stand arrived, after navigating the flames. Alone, she saw the broken forms of her friends, and the last shadow of Sephiroth fade into the damp velvety sky. There were sirens and alarms, with the rain finally deciding to pour down. Rachel found Laura's mangled carcass. She was tossed speechless. She gulped and bit down hard. Finding a half-conscious Tifa, she immediately had to snatch her red materia, and jumble through it.

"Damn, I never know which is which by looking. . .!" Rachel said with the stress of the world, rushing back to Laura's side with what she believed was Bahamut.  
Laura spat another round of blood, and the rest became a haze of fire and sirens.

* * *

AN3: Sorry for the short update here. I'm still sick. . .Anyway, that's the late chapter, and I'm sorry I couldn't include more people, but it was in a bit of a rush to get what I needed complete. Next chapter, we do our traditional New Year's episode. :sigh: . . .I don't like short updates.

Tifa: I can't believe I got knocked out.

AN3:laughs nervously: Well, there we go! Commentary! I'll give more updates next time 'cause my dad is mad. Bai bai.

Note: Ah! I am cured! It's about two days later, and now I need to rush 'cause the lab is closing. Sorry, the chapter was delayed because I strangely cannot access my stories from home. . .I hope it goes away. Anyhoo. . . See you next time.


	17. Chapter 13: After the Firestorm

Chapter 13: After the Firestorm

A/N: So, admittedly, I was working on a chapter before this, but then it got lost after I lost my old flash drive (I still never found it). I got so mad at rewriting the chapter that I never really got to finishing it. . . So, this chapter is a hope to continue writing and maybe restoring energy into writing the last one. No, this isn't another random chapter, but I did feel that another chapter to supplement the one I was previously working on would clarify a few things. Besides, I've been dying to work on the secondary storyline for ages. Why didn't I do this before? Oh well. Enjoy!

* * *

_When God changes your name, it also changes your station in life. This happens when he gives you a purpose, and this name changes one chapter in your life to another. First, it was Abram to Abraham, then Sarai to Sarah. Mine, from Sarah, to Surka._

_I never liked that name, anyway._

* * *

"Surka, you are a guardian," said a shadowy figure above her, standing among a council of judges, in darkness. "And you have done your best to remain his guardian, and we commend you for it. But why did you not correct his actions?"

For the longest time, Surka didn't think that anyone granted a new name by God himself ended up here, on trial for punishment of unnecessary violence.

She looked up, and her azure eyes radiated in the beam of light above her. Leaning against the podium, a tired sigh escaped her. "I didn't know I was supposed to be his mother, also."

The figure leaned forward, not seeming so foreboding if it wasn't for the dramatic lighting. "I suppose it is not your fault. Those three following you didn't fully inform you of your purpose. You may go."

Surka nodded her head, and trudged out to the back, and for the longest time, you could only hear her boots colliding thickly against the floor, until they were gone.

"So, what was that all about?" Zack was immediately harassing her with questions afterwards. "Didn't tell you of your purpose?! Those lying. . .Whatever." He swallowed his words. "What do you think will happen?"

It was outside the courtroom that they stood in a hallway, colored a white that didn't quite so blind. She had been here before, though not here specifically – it was the Big Man's Room before.

"Her judgment didn't appear too serious." Ifalna was gestating the information she had heard. "If there will be a punishment, I don't think it will be anything very detrimental. They tend to be more forgiving than they look."  
"And who are they?" Surka asked, now supporting her weight against a wall. She was almost immediately taken here after the fight in the city.

"A council that decides the action of their earthly 'employs'," stated Gast, standing beside his wife. "This hasn't happened in recorded memory. At least, to me," he shrugged. "I mean, I've only been up here for twenty-or-so-years."  
"Great." Surka smiled earnestly, taking in the humor that wasn't completely lost to her. "I'm special now. What about our special offender?"

"Oh, he's _real_ special," Zack said, sharing the humor. "Sephiroth is about to go into judgment now. We're not allowed to watch."

Rolling from her side to her back, her weight dragged her against the wall to the floor like bags of powdered cement piled on her. "I see," she sighed. Her eyes cast themselves elsewhere. "And what about the guys?"  
"Could you be any more vague today?" asked Ifalna, sitting beside her. "You mean Cloud and such?"

"Right. You see, you know what I'm talking about," said Surka, doing her best to keep her spirits up. She considered if this is what happens to prisoners before a firing squad – a sudden revival of bleak, quiet humor. "We did totally wipe the floor with their asses."

Zack rolled his eyes. "They're still alive."

"They have that tendency," she nodded.

"We all have our own roles to fulfill," said Ifalna, tucking in her legs. "What they are, we need to keep going and do until it's done, because nobody is going to do it for us."

"That's for sure," Gast grumbled, joining the floor party. "Now, let's hope they don't deep-fry us all for what Sephiroth did."

"Honey! Stop killing the atmosphere!" His wife smacked his arm. "Just when we were getting cheerful."

Gast blinked. "You mean, cheerful before our SECOND death?"  
Surka raised her hand. "My first."

"SHADDUP!" Ifalna yelled, before giving Gast another to the arm. "And you, SHUTTY." She motioned Surka's mouth to close. "Nobody here is dying a first or second death! You'll see."

* * *

"That's right, baby! AHHHH! NO! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! BAHAMUT!" Rachel was screaming atop the dragon, above the fire blazing below.

Bahamut let out a quiet roar and let Rachel steer again.

She let out a sigh of relief. "Good." Looking behind her, there was her team, K.O.'ed, and most out of consciousness. A pang of reality hit, and Rachel moved to the back, against the wind and over to Laura, woefully patched up with little skill. "Seen better days?" she asked her friend.

Laura rolled her head over and looked at her questioningly. ". . ."

Rachel bit her lip. "Right, I thought so. AGGHHHH!"

Bahamut started to steer around rapidly and dive, pumping its wings again. Every time he did so caused uneasy turbulence, but for some reason, if it wasn't Tifa guiding him, it felt much worse.

She panted hard, and realized how tight she was grabbing on to Bahamut's back instinctively. "Well, if only someone still had any Ether, I could cast Cure. . ."

After the party was downed, Rachel, the only one left, had to bail them out by stealing Tifa's materia, but after casting Bahamut, she was drained of magic. Let's all acknowledge it now – Rachel does not have enough Intelligence to cast that much magic.

For now, all Rachel could do was to keep her friend on a steady round of potions. Everyone else who was actually keeping consciousness was just doing their best to keep themselves, and everyone else, on the dragon. She ran back to the head of Bahamut, and stood on top, doing her best to steer up high, back to the house as discreetly as she could.

* * *

"Sephiroth, you are here because of your crimes of murder," said the same voice who judged Surka. "Your partner, Surka-

"I take all responsibility," Sephiroth interjected.

The main judge paused in thought. The idea was unknown to him to come from Sephiroth, an insane killer and unfeeling man in search of revenge in the form of elevating himself on a status of "god". At least, that's who he was in a past life. ". . .That's very strange from you."

"I guess." That was all Sephiroth had to say.

"We, the council, have decided to be lenient on the charge of arson, but only because you chose abandoned quarters to set fire. However, the killings of innocents, needs to be condemned and punished. Hereby, you are to be held in suspension of your power, and spend time reflecting on just _why_ you have been selected to work for God."

"Where is he, by the way?" asked Sephiroth, looking around. He was chained to the podium, and every sway in which he looked sent the links rattling. "I thought he was the only judge."

"It is a rule that he does not show in the face of the living, unless it be by signs," said the judge. "If he were to show, himself, it would nullify the idea of 'faith', don't you think?"

Sephiroth was amused by the quaint little idea. "Sure, whatever suits you. But after all this, why wouldn't I believe it?"

The judge rested back. "When you leave, you will be escorted to a holding area, but you will be granted time for anyone affiliated with you here to visit you. You then will be taken away to an area for which you are to be alone. You are dismissed."

"You hear anything?"  
Everyone was lined up behind the court door.

"SHADDDUUUUP!" Zack, holding a little plastic cup, was pressing that and his ear against the door to hear. "Something about spending time alone. . .And Jesus."

"Jesus?" Asked Ifalna. "Don't tell me he's making his second coming on Tuesday. We're going bowling!"

"Well, Tuesday IS his birthday," Gast shrugged. "Maybe he's spending it with his Dad."

"Idiots," Surka grumbled. "Gimme the cup! I wanna hear!"

"No! You are not worthy of the cup!" said Zack, still against the door.  
"Give me the cup!"  
"The cup chooses the listener! You don't choose the cup!"

"THE CUP IS MINE!"

"AHAHHHHHHAAAAAA!" Zack was getting a crazed purple-nurple. "MY NIPPLES!"

"Ahem." The guards, in white suits, shoes, and ties, arrived, solemnly escorted Sephiroth to them in the hallway. "You have a few minutes." With the few words, the two large guards moved away, slightly, only to the farther wall.

Sephiroth looked around. "Doesn't look like any escaping here, does there?"

"I figured you were thinking something like that," replied Surka, brushing through Gast and Ifalna towards him. "I don't think there's any escaping, um. . .what do you call this place?" Surka wasn't even entirely sure herself.

"It's kinda like an office in purgatory, or some-such," said Ifalna, twirling her finger in the air as some kind of mindless gesture. "Somewhere no living people go, that's for sure."

"So what, is it Heaven or something?" asked Surka. "They sure could use a paint job," she remarked about the walls.

"This is. . .like a place in the Promised Land," said Zack, scratching his head, looking like he's trying to remember a forgotten geography lesson. "Plenty of souls channel through here, and this is like a minute court to judge souls. It's pretty much like a registry area, so we're keeping track. Most of the judging happens right after the souls depart the bodies."

"And that's why we're such a special case," Surka reflected. "Not only are we alive, but we were judged here for something else. Well?" Her eyes turned to Sephiroth. "What did they say?"

"I have to remain here," said Sephiroth, without much affection in his voice. "I won't have much strength. . .And they want me to think about why I was given this purpose. Sounds a lot like keeping a child its room and making it think about what it's done, don't you think so?"

"Hmph." Surka nodded slowly. "And what am I supposed to do?"

"Whatever you think you can do," Sephiroth replied, his weight shifting to one side. "Thinking of 'fraternizing with the enemy' again?"  
"Hey," she shrugged. "What else is there to do, eh? I'm scheduled to work at the café tomorrow, anyway." A clever grin sat on her mouth. "I know you'll do fine."

Sephiroth sighed. "A slap on the wrist is all it is." His back bent forward slightly and kissed her like a child on the forehead, then straightened his back again. "And you three?"

The trio of undead guardians were in a little group, grinning pervertedly at him. "What?" they asked in unison. "Did we break up something?"

"Just do your job better," he muttered, with air escaping his words at the end. "I don't need you to screw up while you're assisting her."

"Schwaaa?" The strange sound came out of a confused Zack. "Whatcha mean?"

"I'm trapped here for a while, so who else are you going to bother? " Sephiroth stated. "Don't get her in trouble again, or I _will_ kill you a second time."

"This job blows. . .," Zack griped under his voice, scooting away.

The guards were tapping on their watches.

"You got it, right?" Sephiroth addressed Surka. "Just work out the minor details."

Surka, mouth frozen at a steel, tight expression, nodded. "I'll do it before my shift starts."

Sephiroth acknowledge the corners of his mouth lifting. "You do that."

"We're going," said the left guard, a little shorter and thinner than the right. "Come on."

Sephiroth, without resistance, allowed himself to be taken, hands locked behind him, away.

"Geez, said Zack, blinking and watching the strange phenomenon. "He must be cooking something in his head if he'll just leave without a fight."

"It's probably my fault," said Surka, arms folding subconsciously. "Whatever it is he's thinking about, it's probably not going to involve me. I like to think I help him, but I'm usually just some hindrance."

"You don't know that," Gast assured. "Who else helped him before he regained his strength?"  
"Himself," she replied, with no hesitation. "He made sure of it."

* * *

"M-my foot. . .!" Rachel said between gritted teeth. "Foot. . .ASLEEP. . .BAD TIME!" She was gripping her leg, and at seven-hundred feet in the air, most would agree.

The air whipped her hair back, and stung her skin almost raw by now, but it was so close to home by now. Past the horizon was her house, and she managed to find phoenix down tucked away in Cloud's pouch.

"A-are we still. . .?" Tifa, bleeding at her arms and head looked for herself, crouched beside Rachel. "Good. . .," she sighed heavily, seeing the house. "It doesn't look like anyone followed us. . ."

"Sit down," said Rachel, still holding onto Bahamut's head, making sure to steer perfectly. "You're bleeding." The tone of her voice was solid.

Confused, Tifa looked at her. It was entirely out of Rachel's character to be so serious. Her chin sunk lower, understanding. "Haha. I guess I didn't totally fail with you," Tifa said softly, her body slinking lower on the back of the scaly dragon. "Land it, will you? You should be able to dive slowly and land in the street."

Aeris was behind, tending to Laura, using her magic to heal what wounds she could. "She's going to have quite some scars. . .," she remarked to Cloud, sitting with his legs crossed, not too far away.

"That's a drawback of restore materia, isn't it?", he said, moving over, looking down at her patient.

Aeris nodded. "It accelerates cell division to create new tissue, but whether it's scar tissue or not. . .Well, as long as it works, right?"

Laura, bleeding and barely half-conscious, wheezing and occasionally coughing flecks of blood, panted under the presence of Aeris and Cloud above her. Her eyes would dart infrequently beneath her eyelids, and then her breathing may slow altogether.

"How's it hangin' back there?!" Rachel called. "I'm moving into the descent! Hold on!" Rachel was gunning it from the top, pushing her weight forward. "Bahamut! Take it down!"

Bahamut screeched back, shifting edgily before diving sharply.

"BAHAMUT!" Rachel screamed. "AHH!"

"Idiot!" Tifa spat, reaching down and rubbing Bahamut's thick neck softly, causing the descent to soften. "You can't just pretend to be all cool and in charge and think it'll pan out, can you?"

With a deep sigh, Rachel, continued to hold on and remain in control, shooting a look at Tifa. "I swear, even when nobody gives you an inch, you think you're a ruler."

Tifa managed a smile and rubbed a little blood off her forehead. "You're getting it if we land and live."

Rachel looked up and shook her head. "No confidence."

"Well, well," said Christina, sitting atop the roof, looking up and seeing a vision of a flying dragon. "They're alive."

Lowering the weight of Bahamut, the wings beat heavily, the wind sending a force that shook the leaves violently, until the ground shifted under it. As soon as the clawed feet landed, those that could move and help got the more wounded to the street asphalt in front of the house.

"Come on, come on!" said Cloud, moving things along. "Into the house, before anyone sees!"

Tifa paused, looking at him.

". . .You're bleeding." He said, eyes stuck on the red stain on her. "Why aren't you moving?"

"Awestruck that the two slackers are finally getting it," she said, then hurrying along, helping to carry Sky and Andariel's weight on her shoulders, while they moved along, too. "Amazing."

Cloud rolled his eyes while Rachel landed next. "Everybody off?"  
"Sure hope so," she said quickly, pulling out the materia. "Because this sucker is outta here!" Flashing the crimson materia, the sky king received the signal to pump its monstrous arms back into motion.

The crowd of the injured moved in a wave, away from the furious wind let off from Bahamut, watching it move away through the inky black clouds in which it lived.

"Hello?" Rachel's brother was at the door. "What's up with the wind? Uh. . ." The desolate expressions, and not to mention the blood and multiple lacerations, were enough to tip him off that the questions would only grow more complicated. But, now was not the time to be asking them.

"Dad?" Christina appeared before Cloud, panting, tired from scrambling off the roof and back into the house. "What happened?!"

"A long, tiring story," he sighed pathetically. "What's important is that we get room for Laura as fast as possible."

"One side!" shouted Rachel, ushering her brother aside and taking Laura up the stairs by herself.

"B-but. . .I. . .What?" Her brother kept staring at the limp body of Laura, panting in futility for cold, refreshing air. "What happened to-

"Look," said Tifa, trying to make the fastest explanation possible, "don't ask right now. I promise you'll be filled in, but you gotta just make room now, 'kay?"  
"You listen to the lady," Rachel replied hurriedly, at the top of the stairs by now. "Now, find some bandages for her."

"I, um, uh, okay. . .," her brother spluttered, before moving into the kitchen, bewildered.

"Hey, hey!" Christina was catching up to Rachel, who was laying Laura onto her bed. "Whoa. . .What happened to her?"

Rachel was tight-lipped. ". . .Just get your mom, 'kay?" Strands of hair blurred out her eyes.

"Rachel?" Christina tilted her head like a curious raccoon.

Rachel's head swung back to meet Christina's eyes. "Do it for her, if not for me, huh?" She was just managing her jovial demeanor, her smile poking out of the corners.

Christina hadn't seen her eyes so tense. "Okay," she nodded quickly, before dashing out the door.

Rachel took a seat beside Laura, who finally blacked out. Her hand already skidded lightly against Laura's forehead, swiping off charred embers and sweat.

The blood from her sides was dampening the bed.

An audible breath escaped Rachel's lips, and her hands were shaking from exhaustion.

Whatever would happen next to her friend, she acknowledged would not be up to her.

* * *

"What next?" asked Surka, back on Earth, in the cold city, unaffected by the fire. "You don't think the police will be suspecting us, do they?"

"We're on the other edge of town, so I don't think so," said Zack, looking around. "We seem to be in the clear. In any case, you'd just kick their asses until they forgot they saw you."

Surka gave a look that didn't want to admit they were right, but couldn't deny it. A demure look. "Sure, sure." She shook her head in the otherwise strangely humid, winter night. "That council of judges told me you didn't tell me my full purpose." The black boots on her feet pulled against the cold cement on the sidewalk beneath a streetlamp. "I thought I was just supposed to guard him."

"You are," said Ifalna. "But being a guardian is more than that."

"You're also supposed to direct him to his purpose," Gast tacked on to the end of his wife's statement. "But don't look at me what that is. He's the only one who knows his purpose."

"He hasn't told me anything. . .," said Surka, wondering. "I suppose I just did my best to defend him when he needed it, and accomplished anything he needed me to."

"Didn't he say that part of the punishment was to figure out what that was?" asked Zack. "Sounds pretty Zen to me. Think he'll be sitting under any waterfalls?"  
"If anything, he'll be cutting them in half," Surka retorted in a partially irritated tone. "He keeps to himself. Maybe he already knows but didn't tell me."

"Crazy," Zack sighed. "You're supposed to be in his utmost confidence, regarding your. . .relationship."

"It's not as cozy as it sounds," she grumbled. "You try being close to that guy?"  
"Hey, I died trying," Zack laughed. "I see it's a point well made."

"What about my purpose?" Surka questioned. "My name was Sarah. . .And I hate that name. . .And then it was changed to 'Surka' to mean 'guardian'. . .I don't want to think that's all there is left."

"Well. . .," said Ifalna, thinking about it. "While he's up there, trying to figure out why he's been given a second chance, you should figure out yours. Clear up 'any minor details', like he said."

Surka smiled quickly. "Fantastic."

"Really?" they all blinked.

"Whoa, hey, you're supposed to think about that first," said Zack. "In every manga, they think about it first, with a little monologue that usually starts with a nervous stutter."

"This isn't a manga, Zack," she growled. "And if I want to live my life, I should while I can. Ever since I woke up in the North Cave and brought Sephiroth back, it's just been one giant thing after another. . ." Her eyes closed and she tilted her head up. "And I have done some things I do regret."

"Thaaaat's more like it!" said Zack, slapping her back, while she stiffened up a bit. "I feel better after you got that angst off. It's more natural. Besides, last time I checked, we're the bad guys!"

Surka rubbed her back, exasperated. "Yes Zack, we are. Well, I'm not sure about you three. I know how you like to hang out with both sides."

The three whistled rather innocently, all to different tunes.

"Okay," she announced, moving ahead. "Let's go do this thing."  
"What are we doing?" asked Gast, while the trio moved along with her.

A smile climbed half of Surka's mouth. "Clearing up details."

* * *

A/N: No, no prolonged author's note here, my people. Just something concise enough because I'm under a tight schedule. Yes, I'm sorry it's been months again. I get so frustrated, re-writing chapters. . .But with this done, I feel a little better about what I've been working so much on, and hey, think about it – the next chapter is already half-finished! You know, if I don't give up on it again. Sorry this chapter wasn't as funny as it could've been, but you know, Laura being possibly mortally wounded is not a thing to laugh at. However, the next chapter promises chocobos, crashes, stripping, and Kiro, so it's bound to be funny, eh? Eh? Oh well, nobody is reading this anymore, anyway. Ta ta! 


End file.
